Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 11 - Won't You Come Home, Arnold Ziffel? - full transcript
With Doris out of town, Fred looks after Arnold by himself. When Arnold sees an advertisement for free movies and ice cream, he goes to Pixley. Lisa is convinced he's been pig-napped, so they all go on a search that leads them to a packing house.
[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪
♪ Is the place to be ♪
♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪
[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪
♪ The chores ♪
♪ The stores ♪
- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪
- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪
[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪
[ Snorting ]
[ Man On TV ]
And here,
over 5,000 wild boars...
spend their lives
in perfect contentment.
- [ Snorting ]
- And so we say aloha nui
to enchanting Catalina Island,
the home of the wild boar.
[ Snorting ]
[ Squealing ]
[ Squealing ]
[ Woman ]
This here has been a Finkways
production, you all.
Do you know who brought
that wonderful film, children?
- [ Snorting ]
- That's right.
Klingwell's Children's
Shoe Shop in Pixley--
the home of Teddy Bear
nonskid, non-scuff sneakers.
And Klingwell's has a big treat
in store for you kiddies.
At 10:00 this morning,
the Pixley Orpheum Theater...
is holding its annual
masquerade party,
with free movies,
free balloons,
free ice cream
and free candy.
- [ Squealing ]
- And all you need
to be admitted free...
is to show up in funny--
ha, ha, ha, ha--
costume,
and wearing a pair
of Teddy Bear nonskid,
non-scuff sneakers.
[ Squealing ]
And now, here's one
of your favorite cartoons,
Super Clam.
[ Groans ]
Where are you
taking him?
[ Groans ]
Bring him back.
Lisa! Lisa, Lisa.
Wake up.
Lisa. Lisa.
Good morning, darling.
Oh.
You've got lipstick
on your nose.
That's not lipstick.
That's blood.
You hit me.
You were having a nightmare.
I was?
What about?
How should I know?
It was your nightmare.
Oh!
Now I remember.
I was dreaming about Eb.
This man was kidnapping him,
and Eb was screaming,
"Help, help!"
And I was trying to hit him,
but all you did was
lie there and sleep.
- Well, I--
- We've got to call the F.B.I.
Eb has been kidnapped.
Oh, he wasn't--
I bet you he isn't up
in his room.
Of course not.
He's in Niagara Falls
on his honeymoon.
Then why was this man
dragging him away?
Lisa, you were having a dream.
There's nothing wrong with Eb.
Are you going to go
against a woman's intermission?
I wouldn't even go
against a woman's intuition.
- What's that?
- It's like an intermission,
but it's in English.
Oliver.
Lisa, if anything
had happened to Eb,
we would have heard.
We would have gotten
a call or a telegram.
Well, that's
pretty stupid.
When you're being kidnapped,
they don't let you make
calls or send telegrams.
Lisa, let's get up.
We'll get dressed,
have breakfast.
We'll go to Drucker's,
and I'm sure there'll be
a letter there from Eb.
[ Honks Horn ]
Lisa! Come on.
Lisa, what took you so long?
I thought you were
in a hurry to--
Instead of complaining,
you could help me
with these.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh!
What have you got
in here?
Hotcakes.
Who are these for?
- Mr. Ziffel.
- What have you got against him?
Mr. Ziffel likes them.
This is the second batch
I made for him.
You see, ever since Mrs. Ziffel
had to go back east
to visit her relatives,
I don't think
he's been eating too well.
Well, these manhole
covers are not
gonna change that.
Now where do you want
to go first?
Mr. Drucker's or Mr. Ziffel's?
Mr. Ziffel.
[ Fred ]
Arnold!
Arnold. Arnold.
Doggone it.
I wonder where he's at.
Lisa, these hotcakes
are the heaviest things I--
Well, Arnold,
it's about time you--
Oh, it's you.
I thought that
was Arnold knocking.
Have you seen him?
No, we haven't.
Oliver.
Oh. Here.
These are for you.
Oh, thank you. Oh.
Oh! Hotcakes.
Well, thank you,
Mrs. Douglas.
Won't you come in.
Thank you.
Look, uh, Mr. Ziffel.
Hmm?
Uh--
You don't eat these,
do you?
Oh, no.
I use 'em to reshingle
my roof. See?
Well, I'll be.
How do you get them
to stay on?
I smear 'em with molasses.
Come on in.
Now why didn't I think
of something like that?
How are you getting along
without Mrs. Ziffel?
Who?
Well, you know,
your wife.
- Oh, her.
- I bet you miss her.
Well, only when it comes time
to slop the pigs.
Say, are you sure
you didn't see Arnold?
No.
That's awful strange.
This morning I come in here
and the TV was on,
his chair was overturned
and he was gone.
Maybe he went
for a walk.
Oh, no.
He couldn't have done that.
His door was locked.
See here?
- Maybe he went out the window.
- Oh, no.
He couldn't reach that.
I'll tell ya,
I sure am worried.
I can't imagine
what happened to him.
- I know what happened.
Arnold's been kidnapped.
- What?
Lisa.
Do you remember
the nightmare I had...
about this man
dragging Eb away?
Well, I had the right dream
but the wrong pig.
Oh, for--
Oh, little Arnold's
been kidnapped.
No, he hasn't.
My wife just--
What are you doing?
I am looking
for the rancid note.
The rancid note.
You know--
Where they tell you to put
two million dollars...
in a paper sack
with plain numbers on it.
Where am I gonna get
two million dollars?
Now, Lisa,
look what you did
with your silly dream.
Well, I am sure I saw
this man dragging Arnold away.
You said you saw Eb.
I thought it was Eb,
but now I realize
he had a long snoot
and a curly tail.
- That was Arnold.
- It could have been Eb too.
You don't have to worry.
Now stop worrying.
He's gonna be all right.
He better be.
If anything happened to him,
my wife would kill me.
No, no, I'm sure
he'll be home very soon.
I hope so.
Oliver?
Yes?
Do you have one
of those stable machines?
A stable machine?
You know, where you
hit the top...
and it glues
the two papers together,
but with a wire.
Oh, a stapling machine.
Well, what did I say?
You said a stable machine.
What's the difference?
Nothing, if you're
a Hungarian.
Here.
Oh. Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to bring
my farm records up to date.
Oh, boy.
You have big holes
in your toes.
Oh, yeah.
- What are you doing?
- I'm mending your socks.
- With a stapling machine?
- Well, I don't know how to sew.
Would you mind telling me
how you expect me
to put that sock on?
You never learned how
to put on socks?
Yes, of course I learned
how to--
[ Knocking ]
Hope I ain't disturbin' you.
No, I'm mending
Mr. Douglas's socks.
Oh, hi, Mr. Ziffel.
Doggone it.
You sure staple 'em
a lot neater than Doris does.
- You mean your wife
staples your--
- Did Arnold come home?
No. No, ma'am.
Well, we can't wait any longer.
We have to call the F.B.I.
- I've already called 'em.
- What did they say?
Well, they were pretty nice,
up till the time I told 'em
Arnold was a pig.
Then the conversation
got kind of hairy.
- Well, that's the last time
I ever watch their program.
- What do you expect?
They've got other things to do
besides running around,
looking for animals.
They'd be looking for Arnold
if he were Donald Duck.
- That's got nothing--
- It's always the movie stars
who get all the attention.
Well, what am I gonna do?
If Doris comes home
and Arnold ain't there,
she'll go all to pieces.
- Maybe he's out with a girl.
- Not with midterms coming up.
I don't know where he can be.
I've looked every place
I can think of.
Now don't worry, Mr. Ziffel.
Tomorrow I'll round up
the men in the neighborhood,
and we'll make a thorough
search for Arnold.
[ Chattering ]
Uh, quiet down.
Quiet down.
Fellas, look, let's get
this thing organized.
Who's gonna search where?
[ Chattering ]
Hold it, hold it.
We better appoint somebody
to take charge.
How about Mr. Douglas?
Fine.
Well, all right, gentlemen.
Here's my plan--
J-Just a minute.
I think there's a man
who knows more about the valley
than Mr. Douglas,
who is not only a born leader,
but one of the nicest fellas
I know.
Would Hank Kimball
please step forward?
Oh, I don't guess
he's here.
- That's you.
- Oh.
I thought the name
sounded familiar.
Gentlemen, I want to thank you
for this great honor.
Well, it's not
a great honor, it's--
Hank, we've already
appointed Mr. Douglas.
To do what?
Look, it's all right.
Let him take charge.
Oh, thank you.
Now, in a thing like this,
organization is of
the utmost importance,
so the first thing
we gotta find out is...
how many will be going
on this picnic?
It's not a picnic,
it's a search party.
- It is?
- Mr. Douglas,
you better take over.
I don't think
that'll be necessary.
We're making fine progress.
We've established
this isn't a picnic,
it's a search party.
Now the next question is--
What is the next question?
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
Who are we searching for?
Fred's pig.
Fred... Spig, huh?
Hmm. Don't think
I ever met him.
Oh, boy, there's a lot
of new people moving
in the valley.
Too bad some of the old ones
aren't moving out.
Will you let Mr. Douglas
take charge?
Charge of what? Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
Now I have a map here,
and I'll assign
a different search area
to each one of you.
Uh, here we are,
right here at Hollywood
and Vine.
What kind of a map
is this?
Oh, it's an official map
to the stars' homes.
Mr. Kimball--
Uh, Sam?
You take all the territory
from the Farmer's Market...
to Gloria Swanson's house.
And you cover
from Beverly Hills
to Lew Cody's house.
And would you like to cover
Anna May Wong?
Doesn't anyone have
a map of Hooterville?
- I don't believe
they ever made one.
- They never made a map--
That's no problem.
We'll make one
of our own.
This can of salmon
is Bleeker's Creek.
Uh, this can of asparagus
is Kirby's Woods.
The can of spinach
is the railroad tracks.
And the lima beans
are Drebwell's Meadows.
Now I'll make
the assignments.
Uh, Mr. Douglas,
you cover the lima beans.
Sam, you search
around the salmon.
You take the asparagus.
And you fellas
are responsible
for the spinach.
I'll take the lima beans.
We'll all meet back here
at 2:00 for lunch.
All right, gentlemen,
let's move out.
[ Oliver ]
Arnold! Arnold!
[ Sam ]
Arnold! Arnold!
[ Hank ]
Arnold! Arnold!
I don't know how
I'm gonna tell Mr. Ziffel.
Are you sure that you
searched everywhere?
Positive.
Well, if I had been there,
I would have found him.
I would have said, to myself,
"Where would you go
if you were a pig?"
And where would you go,
Porky?
I would go
and find another pig
of a different sex.
Oh, you're that kind
of a pig, huh?
Oliver!
Well, Arnold,
you finally decided to--
Oh, it's you again.
Did you find him?
No.
Doggone it.
Well, it's no use.
I don't guess
he's ever coming back.
No, now, don't
get discouraged
so easily, Mr. Ziffel.
Did he ever
run away before?
Once, when he was
watching a documentary
on television...
about how
they manufacture bacon.
He turned white,
took off and was gone
for three days.
They ought to be ashamed
of themselves,
putting such scary things
on TV for children.
He's not a child.
He's a pig.
You wouldn't say that
if he were your son.
Son?
He's not anybody's--
Mr. Ziffel, didn't you say
that the other morning
when Arnold disappeared,
- the TV set was on?
- Mm. Yes.
Well, then that's your answer.
He saw something on TV
that scared him away.
I thought he was kidnapped.
That was Eb.
Oh, for--
Oliver, we have to go
to the TV station in Pixley,
and ask them what they had on
on Saturday morning.
Would you have
that information?
Oh, yes.
Yes, we keep a log book
on everything we put
on the air.
- Who'd you say
you were looking for?
- His name is Arnold Ziffel.
Arnold Ziffel?
That's a very familiar name.
Oh, now I remember.
He wrote us
a very nasty letter once...
about a bacon documentary
we broadcast.
Oh, here we are.
Saturday morning.
Well, we started
our regular schedule...
with a Saturday morning
early Western movie matinee
at 6:02--
Bad Day at Pasadena,
starring Milton Sills
and Butterfly McQueen.
At 6:04,
we interrupted the movie
for a used-car commercial.
- Yes, but what we want--
- The movie started promptly
again at 6:05.
What did you have
about 7:00?
Oh, we had
a mouthwash commercial,
followed by a headache
pill commercial,
a bra commercial...
a muffler commercial,
and then a two-minute
news film...
showing our station
being awarded a plaque...
for outstanding programming
by the International Society
of Broadcasters.
I don't think Arnold
would have left home
because of that.
What comes next?
I invited all the children
who were watching...
to see a movie
at the Pixley Orpheum Theater.
Oh, Arnold
loves movies.
Yeah, but I doubt
that he had the price
of a ticket.
Oh, it was free--
free ice cream,
free candy.
All the kiddies had to do
was wear their Teddy Bear
nonskid, non-scuff sneakers...
- and a masquerade costume.
- That's where he went.
Lisa.
Arnold loves movies.
Yeah, so he put on
his Teddy Bear sneakers
and off he went.
- Right.
- Lisa.
- What was the name
of the theater again?
- The Pixley Orpheum.
Well, all the kids
were wearing
Teddy Bear sneakers.
You'll have to be
more specific
than that.
His name was
Arnold Ziffel.
Arnold Ziffel.
Arnold--
No, I don't remember
that name.
What kind of costume
was he wearing?
- His pig suit.
- Oh, that boy!
Boy? He's not a--
His name is Arnold Ziffel?
Say, do you know his address?
I want to send him his prize.
- Prize?
- Why, for the best costume.
I've never seen anything
so realistic--
the way he walked
on all fours.
I wonder how he did that.
He practices all the time.
Well, he was just marvelous.
[ Laughs ]
And the way he imitated
a pig squealing...
when one of the other kids
stepped on his tail.
Yes, Arnold does
great imitations.
Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't know about that,
or I'd ask him
to do Ed Sullivan.
Look, this may come
as a shock to you,
but Arnold is a real pig.
Oh, we found that out when
we served the ice cream.
He ate 10 gallons
all by himself.
Wouldn't let any
of the other kids get near it.
Then I think I know
where he is right now.
Where?
Well, where would you be
if you ate 10 gallons
of ice cream?
Cedars of Pixley Hospital.
Dr. Chamberlain?
One moment, please.
Lisa, Lisa,
this is ridiculous.
They won't take in a pig.
Well, they let him
in the theater,
didn't they?
Yes, but they--
Well, if you'd rather
wait outside--
No. I wouldn't
miss this
for the world.
Uh, may I help you?
We're off.
Yes. What room
is Arnold Ziffel in?
Arnold Ziffel?
Hmm.
Let's see here.
Ziffel, Ziffel--
Oh, we don't see to have
anybody by that name here.
Oh, but he must be here.
His father is very worried
about him.
You see, we looked
everywhere for him,
and he must be here.
He ate 10 gallons
of ice cream.
Oh, well, that sounds
like an emergency case.
They probably took him
right to Emergency.
I'll check there.
Are you two together?
On some things.
This is Main Floor Admitting.
I'm checking on a patient
who was brought in--
About when would he
have been brought in?
- Saturday afternoon.
- Saturday afternoon.
Ziffel. Arnold Ziffel.
You don't?
They don't have a record
of him either.
Wait-- Wait a second.
They want to know
what he looked like.
Well, he's about
this tall--
Wouldn't you say so?
Yeah,
about two feet tall.
About two feet tall.
He weighs 190 pounds.
Weighs about 190 p--
And he has a curly tail,
a long snoot...
and little pointed ears.
And he has a curly tail,
and a long snoot
and I'll call you back.
Madam, are you
on a scavenger hunt?
No. We're looking
for Arnold Ziffel.
Well, from your description,
I'd say he's some kind
of an animal.
- That's right. He's a pig.
- He's a--
You see, Saturday
he went to the movies...
wearing his Teddy Bear sneakers
and his party hat.
And he won first prize
in the costume contest,
but they couldn't give it to him
because he didn't tell them
his name.
Arnold loves
to watch TV.
And he has an "A" average
in school,
and the reason
he's wearing sneakers...
is because he just loves
to play basketball.
Heard enough?
Uh, may I
speak to you, sir?
Excuse me?
[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, sir,
I'm afraid you've brought
the lady to the wrong place.
You see, we're not equipped
to handle that type
of problem here.
Why don't you take her
to County General?
They've got a marvelous
psychiatric staff.
Oh, thank you.
Come on, Lisa.
Wh-What did she say?
About what
I expected her to.
But what about Arnold?
Come on.
Our camel
is double-parked.
Oh, Mr. Douglas.
Oh, Mr. Haney.
Hello, Mr. Haney.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I just stopped by
to have my appendixes out.
Why?
Do they bother you?
No, but I figure
what's the sense
in having Medicare...
if you don't take
advantage of it?
That's ridiculous.
Last week
I had my tonsils out.
- Oh, for--
- What operation did you have?
I didn't have any.
You didn't have
a free operation?
- No.
- Did you get any free medicine?
- No, we--
- Did you get
the diathermy treatment?
- Look, I--
- I hope you didn't pass up
the liver X-ray.
No. We are looking
for Arnold Ziffel.
He's missing.
He is?
Well, now, I saw him
Saturday afternoon
on the county road.
- Where on the county road?
- South Pixley,
near the slaughterhouse.
The slaughterhouse?
You had no right
to put Arnold in there.
Lady, a man
brought in a pig.
I bought it from him.
Well, you should have
known it was Arnold.
He was wearing sneakers,
and he had a party hat on.
Is she puttin' me on?
No. This is a very
valuable pig.
Look, you pick him out,
and I'll sell him back to you.
Let me see.
Arnold? Arnold?
[ All Snorting ]
They're all impostors.
Look, lady, I'm afraid--
I know. I know how
we can find him.
Do you have a television set
I may borrow?
What?
You see, Arnold loves
to watch television.
If you could put the set
right in the middle
of all those pigs,
the one who turns it on
is Arnold.
Look, lady, I'm running
a meat-packing plant here.
I got a lot of orders
to fill--
bacon, ham, ham hocks,
pork chops.
So either you find him now,
or you can look for him
tomorrow...
at the meat counter
of your favorite supermarket.
Murderer!
Pig killer!
Storm trooper!
Oh, come on. Come on.
Calm down.
Are you going to let him
ham-hock Arnold?
What can we do?
We could find him.
Arnold? Arnold?
[ All Squealing ]
How come Arnold is such
a popular name among pigs?
Lisa, you're not
gonna find him here.
Now, come on.
Let's get in the car.
Can I just take
one more look?
Okay.
Mr. Ziffel, how long
would it take a pig
to walk from South Pixley?
Well, Arnold's done it
in an hour and 15 minutes.
Well, then, he should be
showing up right away.
Oh, don't listen
to her, Mr. Ziffel.
He's not going to show--
[ Arnold Squealing ]
[ Grunting ]
He did!
[ TV Playing ]
My boy's home!
All right, Lisa,
how did you do it?
Well, when the man
wouldn't let me bring
the TV to Arnold,
I thought I'd bring
Arnold to the TV.
And how did you do that?
Well, I think the gate
got unlatched.
I think you unlatched it.
How can you say that
when nobody saw me
doing it?
Lisa, you let
all those pigs escape.
There were over 200 of them.
[ Pigs Grunting ]
And here come
some of them now.
Oh, he must have invited
some of them over.
He's in there
watching TV.
[ Grunting, Squealing ]
Do you realize
what you've done?
If that man at
the packing house finds out--
[ Man ]
Hey, Mac.
He did.
- I've been looking for you.
- How much?
There were over 200 pigs.
That'll cost you--
Whatever it is,
you can't put a price
on freedom.
[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.
♪ Green Acres ♪
♪ Is the place to be ♪
♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪
[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪
♪ The chores ♪
♪ The stores ♪
- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪
- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪
[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪
[ Snorting ]
[ Man On TV ]
And here,
over 5,000 wild boars...
spend their lives
in perfect contentment.
- [ Snorting ]
- And so we say aloha nui
to enchanting Catalina Island,
the home of the wild boar.
[ Snorting ]
[ Squealing ]
[ Squealing ]
[ Woman ]
This here has been a Finkways
production, you all.
Do you know who brought
that wonderful film, children?
- [ Snorting ]
- That's right.
Klingwell's Children's
Shoe Shop in Pixley--
the home of Teddy Bear
nonskid, non-scuff sneakers.
And Klingwell's has a big treat
in store for you kiddies.
At 10:00 this morning,
the Pixley Orpheum Theater...
is holding its annual
masquerade party,
with free movies,
free balloons,
free ice cream
and free candy.
- [ Squealing ]
- And all you need
to be admitted free...
is to show up in funny--
ha, ha, ha, ha--
costume,
and wearing a pair
of Teddy Bear nonskid,
non-scuff sneakers.
[ Squealing ]
And now, here's one
of your favorite cartoons,
Super Clam.
[ Groans ]
Where are you
taking him?
[ Groans ]
Bring him back.
Lisa! Lisa, Lisa.
Wake up.
Lisa. Lisa.
Good morning, darling.
Oh.
You've got lipstick
on your nose.
That's not lipstick.
That's blood.
You hit me.
You were having a nightmare.
I was?
What about?
How should I know?
It was your nightmare.
Oh!
Now I remember.
I was dreaming about Eb.
This man was kidnapping him,
and Eb was screaming,
"Help, help!"
And I was trying to hit him,
but all you did was
lie there and sleep.
- Well, I--
- We've got to call the F.B.I.
Eb has been kidnapped.
Oh, he wasn't--
I bet you he isn't up
in his room.
Of course not.
He's in Niagara Falls
on his honeymoon.
Then why was this man
dragging him away?
Lisa, you were having a dream.
There's nothing wrong with Eb.
Are you going to go
against a woman's intermission?
I wouldn't even go
against a woman's intuition.
- What's that?
- It's like an intermission,
but it's in English.
Oliver.
Lisa, if anything
had happened to Eb,
we would have heard.
We would have gotten
a call or a telegram.
Well, that's
pretty stupid.
When you're being kidnapped,
they don't let you make
calls or send telegrams.
Lisa, let's get up.
We'll get dressed,
have breakfast.
We'll go to Drucker's,
and I'm sure there'll be
a letter there from Eb.
[ Honks Horn ]
Lisa! Come on.
Lisa, what took you so long?
I thought you were
in a hurry to--
Instead of complaining,
you could help me
with these.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh!
What have you got
in here?
Hotcakes.
Who are these for?
- Mr. Ziffel.
- What have you got against him?
Mr. Ziffel likes them.
This is the second batch
I made for him.
You see, ever since Mrs. Ziffel
had to go back east
to visit her relatives,
I don't think
he's been eating too well.
Well, these manhole
covers are not
gonna change that.
Now where do you want
to go first?
Mr. Drucker's or Mr. Ziffel's?
Mr. Ziffel.
[ Fred ]
Arnold!
Arnold. Arnold.
Doggone it.
I wonder where he's at.
Lisa, these hotcakes
are the heaviest things I--
Well, Arnold,
it's about time you--
Oh, it's you.
I thought that
was Arnold knocking.
Have you seen him?
No, we haven't.
Oliver.
Oh. Here.
These are for you.
Oh, thank you. Oh.
Oh! Hotcakes.
Well, thank you,
Mrs. Douglas.
Won't you come in.
Thank you.
Look, uh, Mr. Ziffel.
Hmm?
Uh--
You don't eat these,
do you?
Oh, no.
I use 'em to reshingle
my roof. See?
Well, I'll be.
How do you get them
to stay on?
I smear 'em with molasses.
Come on in.
Now why didn't I think
of something like that?
How are you getting along
without Mrs. Ziffel?
Who?
Well, you know,
your wife.
- Oh, her.
- I bet you miss her.
Well, only when it comes time
to slop the pigs.
Say, are you sure
you didn't see Arnold?
No.
That's awful strange.
This morning I come in here
and the TV was on,
his chair was overturned
and he was gone.
Maybe he went
for a walk.
Oh, no.
He couldn't have done that.
His door was locked.
See here?
- Maybe he went out the window.
- Oh, no.
He couldn't reach that.
I'll tell ya,
I sure am worried.
I can't imagine
what happened to him.
- I know what happened.
Arnold's been kidnapped.
- What?
Lisa.
Do you remember
the nightmare I had...
about this man
dragging Eb away?
Well, I had the right dream
but the wrong pig.
Oh, for--
Oh, little Arnold's
been kidnapped.
No, he hasn't.
My wife just--
What are you doing?
I am looking
for the rancid note.
The rancid note.
You know--
Where they tell you to put
two million dollars...
in a paper sack
with plain numbers on it.
Where am I gonna get
two million dollars?
Now, Lisa,
look what you did
with your silly dream.
Well, I am sure I saw
this man dragging Arnold away.
You said you saw Eb.
I thought it was Eb,
but now I realize
he had a long snoot
and a curly tail.
- That was Arnold.
- It could have been Eb too.
You don't have to worry.
Now stop worrying.
He's gonna be all right.
He better be.
If anything happened to him,
my wife would kill me.
No, no, I'm sure
he'll be home very soon.
I hope so.
Oliver?
Yes?
Do you have one
of those stable machines?
A stable machine?
You know, where you
hit the top...
and it glues
the two papers together,
but with a wire.
Oh, a stapling machine.
Well, what did I say?
You said a stable machine.
What's the difference?
Nothing, if you're
a Hungarian.
Here.
Oh. Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to bring
my farm records up to date.
Oh, boy.
You have big holes
in your toes.
Oh, yeah.
- What are you doing?
- I'm mending your socks.
- With a stapling machine?
- Well, I don't know how to sew.
Would you mind telling me
how you expect me
to put that sock on?
You never learned how
to put on socks?
Yes, of course I learned
how to--
[ Knocking ]
Hope I ain't disturbin' you.
No, I'm mending
Mr. Douglas's socks.
Oh, hi, Mr. Ziffel.
Doggone it.
You sure staple 'em
a lot neater than Doris does.
- You mean your wife
staples your--
- Did Arnold come home?
No. No, ma'am.
Well, we can't wait any longer.
We have to call the F.B.I.
- I've already called 'em.
- What did they say?
Well, they were pretty nice,
up till the time I told 'em
Arnold was a pig.
Then the conversation
got kind of hairy.
- Well, that's the last time
I ever watch their program.
- What do you expect?
They've got other things to do
besides running around,
looking for animals.
They'd be looking for Arnold
if he were Donald Duck.
- That's got nothing--
- It's always the movie stars
who get all the attention.
Well, what am I gonna do?
If Doris comes home
and Arnold ain't there,
she'll go all to pieces.
- Maybe he's out with a girl.
- Not with midterms coming up.
I don't know where he can be.
I've looked every place
I can think of.
Now don't worry, Mr. Ziffel.
Tomorrow I'll round up
the men in the neighborhood,
and we'll make a thorough
search for Arnold.
[ Chattering ]
Uh, quiet down.
Quiet down.
Fellas, look, let's get
this thing organized.
Who's gonna search where?
[ Chattering ]
Hold it, hold it.
We better appoint somebody
to take charge.
How about Mr. Douglas?
Fine.
Well, all right, gentlemen.
Here's my plan--
J-Just a minute.
I think there's a man
who knows more about the valley
than Mr. Douglas,
who is not only a born leader,
but one of the nicest fellas
I know.
Would Hank Kimball
please step forward?
Oh, I don't guess
he's here.
- That's you.
- Oh.
I thought the name
sounded familiar.
Gentlemen, I want to thank you
for this great honor.
Well, it's not
a great honor, it's--
Hank, we've already
appointed Mr. Douglas.
To do what?
Look, it's all right.
Let him take charge.
Oh, thank you.
Now, in a thing like this,
organization is of
the utmost importance,
so the first thing
we gotta find out is...
how many will be going
on this picnic?
It's not a picnic,
it's a search party.
- It is?
- Mr. Douglas,
you better take over.
I don't think
that'll be necessary.
We're making fine progress.
We've established
this isn't a picnic,
it's a search party.
Now the next question is--
What is the next question?
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
Who are we searching for?
Fred's pig.
Fred... Spig, huh?
Hmm. Don't think
I ever met him.
Oh, boy, there's a lot
of new people moving
in the valley.
Too bad some of the old ones
aren't moving out.
Will you let Mr. Douglas
take charge?
Charge of what? Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
Now I have a map here,
and I'll assign
a different search area
to each one of you.
Uh, here we are,
right here at Hollywood
and Vine.
What kind of a map
is this?
Oh, it's an official map
to the stars' homes.
Mr. Kimball--
Uh, Sam?
You take all the territory
from the Farmer's Market...
to Gloria Swanson's house.
And you cover
from Beverly Hills
to Lew Cody's house.
And would you like to cover
Anna May Wong?
Doesn't anyone have
a map of Hooterville?
- I don't believe
they ever made one.
- They never made a map--
That's no problem.
We'll make one
of our own.
This can of salmon
is Bleeker's Creek.
Uh, this can of asparagus
is Kirby's Woods.
The can of spinach
is the railroad tracks.
And the lima beans
are Drebwell's Meadows.
Now I'll make
the assignments.
Uh, Mr. Douglas,
you cover the lima beans.
Sam, you search
around the salmon.
You take the asparagus.
And you fellas
are responsible
for the spinach.
I'll take the lima beans.
We'll all meet back here
at 2:00 for lunch.
All right, gentlemen,
let's move out.
[ Oliver ]
Arnold! Arnold!
[ Sam ]
Arnold! Arnold!
[ Hank ]
Arnold! Arnold!
I don't know how
I'm gonna tell Mr. Ziffel.
Are you sure that you
searched everywhere?
Positive.
Well, if I had been there,
I would have found him.
I would have said, to myself,
"Where would you go
if you were a pig?"
And where would you go,
Porky?
I would go
and find another pig
of a different sex.
Oh, you're that kind
of a pig, huh?
Oliver!
Well, Arnold,
you finally decided to--
Oh, it's you again.
Did you find him?
No.
Doggone it.
Well, it's no use.
I don't guess
he's ever coming back.
No, now, don't
get discouraged
so easily, Mr. Ziffel.
Did he ever
run away before?
Once, when he was
watching a documentary
on television...
about how
they manufacture bacon.
He turned white,
took off and was gone
for three days.
They ought to be ashamed
of themselves,
putting such scary things
on TV for children.
He's not a child.
He's a pig.
You wouldn't say that
if he were your son.
Son?
He's not anybody's--
Mr. Ziffel, didn't you say
that the other morning
when Arnold disappeared,
- the TV set was on?
- Mm. Yes.
Well, then that's your answer.
He saw something on TV
that scared him away.
I thought he was kidnapped.
That was Eb.
Oh, for--
Oliver, we have to go
to the TV station in Pixley,
and ask them what they had on
on Saturday morning.
Would you have
that information?
Oh, yes.
Yes, we keep a log book
on everything we put
on the air.
- Who'd you say
you were looking for?
- His name is Arnold Ziffel.
Arnold Ziffel?
That's a very familiar name.
Oh, now I remember.
He wrote us
a very nasty letter once...
about a bacon documentary
we broadcast.
Oh, here we are.
Saturday morning.
Well, we started
our regular schedule...
with a Saturday morning
early Western movie matinee
at 6:02--
Bad Day at Pasadena,
starring Milton Sills
and Butterfly McQueen.
At 6:04,
we interrupted the movie
for a used-car commercial.
- Yes, but what we want--
- The movie started promptly
again at 6:05.
What did you have
about 7:00?
Oh, we had
a mouthwash commercial,
followed by a headache
pill commercial,
a bra commercial...
a muffler commercial,
and then a two-minute
news film...
showing our station
being awarded a plaque...
for outstanding programming
by the International Society
of Broadcasters.
I don't think Arnold
would have left home
because of that.
What comes next?
I invited all the children
who were watching...
to see a movie
at the Pixley Orpheum Theater.
Oh, Arnold
loves movies.
Yeah, but I doubt
that he had the price
of a ticket.
Oh, it was free--
free ice cream,
free candy.
All the kiddies had to do
was wear their Teddy Bear
nonskid, non-scuff sneakers...
- and a masquerade costume.
- That's where he went.
Lisa.
Arnold loves movies.
Yeah, so he put on
his Teddy Bear sneakers
and off he went.
- Right.
- Lisa.
- What was the name
of the theater again?
- The Pixley Orpheum.
Well, all the kids
were wearing
Teddy Bear sneakers.
You'll have to be
more specific
than that.
His name was
Arnold Ziffel.
Arnold Ziffel.
Arnold--
No, I don't remember
that name.
What kind of costume
was he wearing?
- His pig suit.
- Oh, that boy!
Boy? He's not a--
His name is Arnold Ziffel?
Say, do you know his address?
I want to send him his prize.
- Prize?
- Why, for the best costume.
I've never seen anything
so realistic--
the way he walked
on all fours.
I wonder how he did that.
He practices all the time.
Well, he was just marvelous.
[ Laughs ]
And the way he imitated
a pig squealing...
when one of the other kids
stepped on his tail.
Yes, Arnold does
great imitations.
Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't know about that,
or I'd ask him
to do Ed Sullivan.
Look, this may come
as a shock to you,
but Arnold is a real pig.
Oh, we found that out when
we served the ice cream.
He ate 10 gallons
all by himself.
Wouldn't let any
of the other kids get near it.
Then I think I know
where he is right now.
Where?
Well, where would you be
if you ate 10 gallons
of ice cream?
Cedars of Pixley Hospital.
Dr. Chamberlain?
One moment, please.
Lisa, Lisa,
this is ridiculous.
They won't take in a pig.
Well, they let him
in the theater,
didn't they?
Yes, but they--
Well, if you'd rather
wait outside--
No. I wouldn't
miss this
for the world.
Uh, may I help you?
We're off.
Yes. What room
is Arnold Ziffel in?
Arnold Ziffel?
Hmm.
Let's see here.
Ziffel, Ziffel--
Oh, we don't see to have
anybody by that name here.
Oh, but he must be here.
His father is very worried
about him.
You see, we looked
everywhere for him,
and he must be here.
He ate 10 gallons
of ice cream.
Oh, well, that sounds
like an emergency case.
They probably took him
right to Emergency.
I'll check there.
Are you two together?
On some things.
This is Main Floor Admitting.
I'm checking on a patient
who was brought in--
About when would he
have been brought in?
- Saturday afternoon.
- Saturday afternoon.
Ziffel. Arnold Ziffel.
You don't?
They don't have a record
of him either.
Wait-- Wait a second.
They want to know
what he looked like.
Well, he's about
this tall--
Wouldn't you say so?
Yeah,
about two feet tall.
About two feet tall.
He weighs 190 pounds.
Weighs about 190 p--
And he has a curly tail,
a long snoot...
and little pointed ears.
And he has a curly tail,
and a long snoot
and I'll call you back.
Madam, are you
on a scavenger hunt?
No. We're looking
for Arnold Ziffel.
Well, from your description,
I'd say he's some kind
of an animal.
- That's right. He's a pig.
- He's a--
You see, Saturday
he went to the movies...
wearing his Teddy Bear sneakers
and his party hat.
And he won first prize
in the costume contest,
but they couldn't give it to him
because he didn't tell them
his name.
Arnold loves
to watch TV.
And he has an "A" average
in school,
and the reason
he's wearing sneakers...
is because he just loves
to play basketball.
Heard enough?
Uh, may I
speak to you, sir?
Excuse me?
[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, sir,
I'm afraid you've brought
the lady to the wrong place.
You see, we're not equipped
to handle that type
of problem here.
Why don't you take her
to County General?
They've got a marvelous
psychiatric staff.
Oh, thank you.
Come on, Lisa.
Wh-What did she say?
About what
I expected her to.
But what about Arnold?
Come on.
Our camel
is double-parked.
Oh, Mr. Douglas.
Oh, Mr. Haney.
Hello, Mr. Haney.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I just stopped by
to have my appendixes out.
Why?
Do they bother you?
No, but I figure
what's the sense
in having Medicare...
if you don't take
advantage of it?
That's ridiculous.
Last week
I had my tonsils out.
- Oh, for--
- What operation did you have?
I didn't have any.
You didn't have
a free operation?
- No.
- Did you get any free medicine?
- No, we--
- Did you get
the diathermy treatment?
- Look, I--
- I hope you didn't pass up
the liver X-ray.
No. We are looking
for Arnold Ziffel.
He's missing.
He is?
Well, now, I saw him
Saturday afternoon
on the county road.
- Where on the county road?
- South Pixley,
near the slaughterhouse.
The slaughterhouse?
You had no right
to put Arnold in there.
Lady, a man
brought in a pig.
I bought it from him.
Well, you should have
known it was Arnold.
He was wearing sneakers,
and he had a party hat on.
Is she puttin' me on?
No. This is a very
valuable pig.
Look, you pick him out,
and I'll sell him back to you.
Let me see.
Arnold? Arnold?
[ All Snorting ]
They're all impostors.
Look, lady, I'm afraid--
I know. I know how
we can find him.
Do you have a television set
I may borrow?
What?
You see, Arnold loves
to watch television.
If you could put the set
right in the middle
of all those pigs,
the one who turns it on
is Arnold.
Look, lady, I'm running
a meat-packing plant here.
I got a lot of orders
to fill--
bacon, ham, ham hocks,
pork chops.
So either you find him now,
or you can look for him
tomorrow...
at the meat counter
of your favorite supermarket.
Murderer!
Pig killer!
Storm trooper!
Oh, come on. Come on.
Calm down.
Are you going to let him
ham-hock Arnold?
What can we do?
We could find him.
Arnold? Arnold?
[ All Squealing ]
How come Arnold is such
a popular name among pigs?
Lisa, you're not
gonna find him here.
Now, come on.
Let's get in the car.
Can I just take
one more look?
Okay.
Mr. Ziffel, how long
would it take a pig
to walk from South Pixley?
Well, Arnold's done it
in an hour and 15 minutes.
Well, then, he should be
showing up right away.
Oh, don't listen
to her, Mr. Ziffel.
He's not going to show--
[ Arnold Squealing ]
[ Grunting ]
He did!
[ TV Playing ]
My boy's home!
All right, Lisa,
how did you do it?
Well, when the man
wouldn't let me bring
the TV to Arnold,
I thought I'd bring
Arnold to the TV.
And how did you do that?
Well, I think the gate
got unlatched.
I think you unlatched it.
How can you say that
when nobody saw me
doing it?
Lisa, you let
all those pigs escape.
There were over 200 of them.
[ Pigs Grunting ]
And here come
some of them now.
Oh, he must have invited
some of them over.
He's in there
watching TV.
[ Grunting, Squealing ]
Do you realize
what you've done?
If that man at
the packing house finds out--
[ Man ]
Hey, Mac.
He did.
- I've been looking for you.
- How much?
There were over 200 pigs.
That'll cost you--
Whatever it is,
you can't put a price
on freedom.
[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.