Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 10 - Das Lumpen - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Honking ]

[ Groans ]

Morning, Mr. Douglas.
What's wrong with your foot?

Oh, I had
a little accident.

A rhinoceros
stepped on it.

I got a postcard
for you from Eb,
the honeymoon boy.

Oh.
I bet Mr. Drucker would open
a car door for a lady.

- I don't have a car.
I have a buggy.
- A buggy what?

A horse and buggy.

Oh, here it is.

Hey, he's in Niagara Falls.
Ain't that a pretty picture
of the falls?



Oh, I wonder
if they're having
a good time?

Yeah. It says here--
Do you mind
if I read it?

Oh, uh, sorry.

What does our son say?

Lisa, he is not our son.

"This is sure a great place
for a honeymoon.

"I spend all day looking
at the falls,

"and all night looking
at television
in the hotel lobby.

I'll close now,
as Gomer Pyle
is gonna start soon."

What a sweet postcard.
You can see that he's
in love.

- Yes, with Gomer Pyle.
- You still don't know
who he married?

No. I wish I did.
I'd send her
my condolences.

Doggone. Sometimes I wish
I'd gotten married.

- Why?
- Well, uh--

Don't you like
being married?
No, it's fine, it's fine.

Gives you something
to gripe about
all the time.
Oliver!

Sure would be nice
to have a woman
around the house...

to do your washing
and darn your socks...

and cook you good,
home-cooked meals.

Yes, it sure would
be nice.

Oliver, have you ever
been hit in the face
with a wet pickle?

Oh, Lisa,
I was only teasing.

Mr. Drucker, I highly
recommend marriage--

if you can find a girl
as pretty and as charming
as mine.

Well, I wasn't really
going to hit you
with a wet pickle.

Thank you.
Well, where do you find
somebody like Mrs. Douglas?

Oh, he didn't find me.
I found him.

He was hanging from a tree
in his "parachust."

Oh, that's right,
you told me.

Mr. Douglas was a flier
in the air force,

and he got shot down
during the war
over Hungary.

No, I didn't get shot down.
My motor conked out.

He's very sensitive
about that.

Well, shot or conked,
I was working
for the underground--

And it's a good thing
I found him...

because there were Nazis
all around.

So I cut him down
and I hid him.

In here.

You will be safe here.
A barn!

Is that what it is?

Oh, yes.
Do you know, this is
what I've been fighting for?

Why? Is there a shortage
of them in the United States?

No, I mean,
when the war is over,

I'm gonna buy a farm
with a barn like this,

and chickens
and good rich soil...

where I can plant
the little seeds...

and watch them shoot up
toward the sun and the sky.

And then they'll grow
into corn and wheat...

and alfalfa and beets--

How come you didn't get out
on a Section Eight?

I'm not crazy.

It's a dream I've always had.
[ Vehicle Approaching ]

Shh! Nazis.

Say, you're pretty
with your clothes off.

Oh, I don't mean
"your clothes off."

- I mean,
with your uniform off.
- [ Man ] Stayin' sie here.

Ich bin searchin' das barn
for das Amerikanischer
flier.

He says he's going
to search the barn
for the American flier.

- Yes, I understood.
- You speak German?

- No, but--
- Open sie up the door.

Ja. You better hide
under the hay.

- You're beautiful.
- Under the hay.

- Will you hide under the hay
with me?
- Oh, boy.

Just because you Americans
have the Marshall Plan,
you think you own the world.

Under the hay.

Open sie. Mach schnell.

I'm "maching" as much schnell
as I can.

Dummkopf.

Fräulein, haben sie seen
ein Amerikanischer flier?

Nein. Ich not haben sie
seen him.

Oh.

Was ist das?
Was ist was?

Das "lumpen" under the hay.

Oh, das "lumpen."

Ah, das ist ein pumpkin.

- Ja?
- Halten sie.

Ich bin verboten
to stick in the lumpen
mit the "bayoneten."

Verboten?
By the Führer himself.

Das Führer?

Heil Hitler.

Ah. The heil mit Hitler.

Well, if ich bin verboten
to stick in das lumpen
mit the "bayoneten,"

was do you stickin' sie mit?

Mit das pitchfork.

Nein.
Ich bin stickin.'

- Ow!
- Was ist das?

Das ist ein field mouse.

Das ist nicht
ein field mouse.
Ja, das ist.

- Ow!
- See?

[ Squeaking ]

Ja! Das ist ein field mouse.

Auf Wiedersehen, fräulein.

See you around the beer platz.

Ja, around the beer platz.
Ja.

Raus mit mach schnell.

[ Motorcycle Starts, Leaves ]
You can come out now.

Raus mit and schnell
have gone.

You will be safe now.
[ Moaning ]

What's the matter?
Why did you have to jab me
with that pitchfork?

Well, he was going to jab
the lumpen with his "bayoneten."

Well, thanks
for saving my life.
That's okay.

Now can you get me
a medic?
I can bandage you.

No, I'd rather have
a male medic.

All right, I'll see
if I can get one.

You'll probably get
the Purple Heart for this.

Although, that's not
where you're purple.

Medic!

Doggone, Mrs. Douglas.
That sure was a narrow escape.

Yes. I managed
to crawl back
through the enemy lines...

and rejoin my squadron,

but for the next three weeks
I was the only pilot
in the air force...

who flew his P-51
standing up.

When did you meet
Mrs. Douglas again?

A week after the war,
in Paris.

I'll bet he was glad
to see you.

Oh, we didn't even
recognize each other.

You see, Mr. Douglas
was in civilian clothes,

and he came
into the restaurant
where I was working.

♪♪ [ Folk Dance Playing ]

♪♪ [ Sour Notes ]

- ♪♪ [ Sour Notes ]
- How will this be?

I'd much rather
have a table over--

Pardon, monsieur.

This is all we have.

♪♪ [ Sour Notes ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

Voilà, girls.

Take five and mingle
with the customers.

Mademoiselle,
s'il vous plaît--
Straighten up.

I've got cello legs.

They're all sore on the inside.
That thing is full of splinters.

Mingle.

Try the American.
They are always good spenders.

Bonsoir, monsieur.
Oh. Oh, no--

You don't have
to get up.

Shall I translate
the menu for you?

No, I think I can--

Haven't I see you
before somewhere?

Oh, boy.
That's a real new line.

Oh, no, really, I mean it.
Your face is very familiar.

Look. I work
on a commission here.
Could we have some wine?

Of course, yes.
Wine for the rich American.

Well, I'm not rich.

Oh, wait a minute.
I don't want that.
Just a small bottle.

Wine for the cheap American.

That's too small.

Oh, that's all right.
I make 30 cents
on a size like that.

I know your face.

It's very familiar.
Would you mind opening it?

Uh, yes.
Uh, glasses
for the wine drinker.

We don't need two glasses
for a little bottle
like that.

I make 40 cents commission
on the glasses.

They charge for the glasses?

[ Tapping ]
Oh, excuse me.
I will have to go.

They're pushing
the chicken paprika,
but order onion soup.

Oh, no.
I don't like onion soup.

I'm sorry.
I have to go back.
They'll put me on your bill.

I didn't order you.

Why would they
put you on--

Would you give me
an "A" please?

What the--
Anything you'd like
to hear?

- No, thanks.
- I get a 15-cent commission
on all requests.

"Yankee Doodle."

They'll put the 15 cents
on your bill.

"Yankee Doodle"
for the rich American.

♪♪ [ Folk Dance ]

That's not "Yankee Doodle."

Your lentil soup, monsieur.

♪♪ [ Sour Note ]

- Will you stop--
- What's that?

- Lentil soup.
- Don't eat it.

- Why not?
- One of the lentils
is swimming.

- What?
- Hold still.

Ooh! Oh!
What's the matter?

I got wounded when--

Now I remember who--
You're the lumpen sticker.
That's right!

And you're the fellow
with the Purple Heart,
but in the wrong place.

Oh, I'm so glad
I found you.

Oh. Now let's get
one thing straight.

The kisses
are 35 cents apiece.

Put 'em on my bill.

Doggone.
That sure is romantic.

Yeah, and expensive.
I ran up quite a bill.

Yes, after that
he was always
hanging around...

for those 35-cent kisses.

That's when I decided
it would be cheaper
to marry her...

than to kiss her
on the installment plan.

Oh, and that's when
you proposed to her?

Proposed to who?
Mrs. Douglas.

Who proposed to her?
Mr. Douglas.

Oh! Congratulations.
When's the wedding gonna be?

We haven't set the date yet.

Say, how about June?
That's a great month--

Oh, wait a second.

If you're Mr. Douglas
and she's Mrs. Douglas,

has it ever occurred to you
that you might already
be married?

It occurred to me,
but the whole idea
gives me a feeling of--

[ Muttering ]
Oliver.

Well, how else
are you gonna answer
a dimple head like that?

Hank, will you please
be quiet?

You were gonna tell me
how you proposed.

Oh! It was
on a camping trip.

Uh, well, it wasn't
a camping trip.

We were having a barbecue
in her backyard.

No, she didn't have
a backyard.

Must have been barbecuing
in her living room.

That's right, because
when the fire department
got there,

- that's where
they put out the fire.
- [ Sam ] Hank, please.

Mr. Douglas was telling me
about how he and Mrs. Douglas
met during the war,

and he was just
gonna tell me
how he proposed to her.

To her what?
Go ahead, Mr. Douglas.

- Some other time.
- Oh, please, Oliver.

Finish the story.
I don't remember
how it ended.

You don't remember--

Well, you know, in Europe,
you don't just ask a girl
to marry you.

No. First you ask her
if she wants to,

and if she says yes,
you take an option
on her.

Then you go to her father
and ask his permission,

and if he gives it,
then you go back to her
and take up her option.

Something like that.

Do you remember the night
when you came over...

to ask my father
if you could take up
my option?

[ Knocking ]

Ooh.
Hi.

Hello there.
I brought you something.

Thank you.

Which one has
the diamond in it?

Uh, none of them.
Oh?

They're just for eating,
not for wearing?

That's right.
Oh, well.

I'll give it to the dog.

Wait a minute.
Is your father in?
Yes. He's in the study.

Oh, good.
I want to talk to him.
What about?

Marrying me.
I thought you wanted
to marry me.

Maybe I'd better
think this over.

No. He's waiting for you.

Well--
Oliver?

Before you go in there,
there is something
you ought to know.

Oh? What about?
About me.

Something I did
before I met you.

Oh, Lisa,
you don't have to tell me.

Well, I don't
want you to hear it
from somebody else.

I want you to hear it
from me.

Lisa, we have all done
things we're sorry for.
I've done a few myself.

But I-I-I want to tell you.

You see, it was
during the war,

and we didn't know
whether we were going
to be alive next day,

and, well,
there was this man,

and we were
in the barn together,

and, well,
I couldn't help myself.

I-I stuck him
in the lumpen
with a pitchfork.

That was me!

Oh?

Well, as long
as you know about it.

Now, what were
some of the things
you were sorry for?

Oh--

Well, whatever they were,
you're forgiven.
Thank you.

What were they?

Nothing. Lisa, whatever
happened in the past,

I never knew anybody
before I met you,

and you never knew anybody
before you met me.

Well, if you want to be
an ostrich and stick
your head in an egg.

Do you love me?
Of course I love you.

And I love you.
That's all that matters.

Oh, you're
so "Noël Cowardy."

Look, I don't want
to keep your father waiting.
Good luck, darling.

- Don't you want to kiss me?
- I don't have any change.

Oh, well, this one
is on the house.

What the--

"Dear Mr. Douglas.

"I checked your credit rating
and I don't think you are
son-in-law material.

Permission denied."

Of all the--

Is that all
you're interested in,
how much money a man has?

Oh, Oliver, if you only
had put a couple of diamonds
in the chocolates.

I don't have to buy a wife.

Oh, you are hurt.
Yes, I am.

Would it help you
if I give you a discount
on the kisses?

Lisa, will you marry me?

I can't go against
my father's wishes.

All right then,
I don't need you.

You're not the only
lumpen sticker in the barn.

Oh, Oliver!

Oliver!

Oh, that's-- that's sad.

I guess you never
saw her again, huh?
No, I never did.

Well, it worked out fine.

I mean, you found Mrs. Douglas,
and I know you two
are going to be very happy.

Well, I'll see you
around the beer platz.
[ Chuckles ]

Come on, Lisa.
We've gotta get
back to the farm.

No, you can't leave
without finishing the story.

How'll I know
if you ever got married?

Well, not married.
Oh, darn that Hank Kimball.
He's catching.

Well, we got married,
and the way it happened
it was very romantic.

You see, after my father
turned Oliver down
for insufficient funds,

he went back to America
with a heavy heart.

Bartender.
Yes, sir?

Make me another one.

It's none of my business, Mac,
but you've already had four.

- Look.
- Okay, okay.

I don't know how a guy
can drink so many
Shirley Temples.

I'm not interested in what--

Oh, you're gonna
wake up in the morning
with an awful heartburn.

Just make me another one,
and go easy on the cherry.

Yes, sir.

I forgot to turn on
my favorite program--

Buddy Atkinson
and His All-Girl Band.

♪♪ [ Band Plays ]

[ Man ] Ah, yes.
That was wonderful,
girls, just wonderful.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for the guest artist
of the evening--

Lisa and Her Magic Cello.
[ Lisa ]
Thank you.

I am playing
this number for Oliver,
wherever you are.

♪♪ [ Cello Plays ]
"Oliver, wherever you are"?
That's me!

Lisa, I'm here!

I'm here!
Mac, will ya put it down?

She's playing it for me.
Lisa, I hear you, I hear you.

Where's the broadcast
coming from?

Over on 48th
and Broadway.
Forty-eighth and Broadway.

This never happened
on a Shirley Temple before.

Where are they?
Where are they?

Will you let go of me?
I'm "Oliver,
wherever you are."

What?
She just talked to me
on the air.

Who did?
Lisa and Her Magic Cello.

Well, she's not here.
I just heard the broadcast.

Oh, man, that was
transcribed six weeks ago.

[ Groans ]
Well, where can I find her?
Try the Musicians' Union.

Here's something
for your trouble.
Thank you.

Thirty-five cents?
It's symbolic.

Lisa and Her Magic Cello, huh?
That's right.

I've got a Lenny
and His Enchanted Flute.

No, no, no.
Lisa.

- She doesn't play
any other instrument?
- Not that I know of.

- Then she wouldn't be Irving
and His Educated Oboe.
- No.

Sorry. Guess she's not
a member of this local.

But I heard her
on The Buddy Atkinson Show.

Oh? Well, here.

Let me give you his address.

Maybe he can help you.
Thank you very much.

Oh, hello.
Yes?

Are you Buddy Atkinson?
That's right.

I heard your broadcast
last night---

Oh, yes,
and you want an autograph.
Uh, no, I--

What is your name?
Uh, Oliver Wendell Douglas,
but I-I really--

Well, I'll just make it out
to Ollie.
No, I don't want an autograph.

Well, if you want a picture,
you'll have to write
to the network.

I don't want a picture.
You had a girl
on your broadcast last night.

Yes, as a matter of fact,
I had 48 girls.

It is an all-girl orchestra,
you know.

Yeah--
Except for me.

Yes, of course. I understand.
No, this was
a very special girl.

Irving and
His Educated Oboe--
Or, no. Uh--

Larry and Her--
♪♪ [ Cello Playing ]

Oh, that's her.
Listen.

That's her now.
That's not Larry.

Now wait a minute.
You can't come in here.

♪♪ [ Sour Note ]

- Lisa.
- Oliver!

Now just a moment.
This is a private recital.

Out, buster.
So this is what goes on
in show business, huh?

I'm gonna make
an example of you.

Oliver.

So you think you're
gonna do that
to me, huh?

Oliver.

Will you stop calling me
in the middle of a fight?

Take that.

And that's for Lisa.

And that's for all those
other innocent girls.

Lisa.
Oliver.

Well, that's a fine thing.

First you beat up the boss,

and now you ruin
my magic cello.

I'm sorry.
Well--

Well, it doesn't matter.

Now that I've found you
and you've found me,
[ Oliver ] Hold it.

and we found each other,
Hold it!

and we can walk into
the sunset together--
Hold it!

What did you stop
the story for?

Because that's not
the way it happened.
I never heard such nonsense.

Well, I don't think
it's nonsense.

I saw something just
like that the other night
on the Late, Late Show.

Yes, I think my wife
saw the same movie--

The Broadway Gaieties of 1938,
with Slim Summerville
and Sally Eilers.

Well, it was
a lot more "romantical"...

than what really did happen.
Oh? What was that?

Nothing. Her father
changed his mind,
and we got married.

It's as simple as that.
Now come on.

We've wasted enough
of Mr. Drucker's time.
Let's go home.

I don't know why
you told Mr. Drucker
it was simple.

It was.

Well, it wasn't simple for me.
You don't know the fight
I had with my family.

They said I was marrying you
just to disgrace them.

- What?
- They wanted me to marry
the count.

- What count?
- You know the one.

Who owned the main street
of Liechtenstein.

- Oh, that count.
- He was very rich.

Lisa, you never did tell me--

Now your father knew
I was poor.

Now why did he all of
a sudden change his mind
about letting you marry me?

I lied to him.

I told him that you were really
a wealthy Australian,

and that you hid all your money
in the kangaroo pouches,

but that you weren't
a very good judge
of kangaroos...

because they all ran away
with your money.

And he believed you?

I don't care
whether he did or didn't.

The main thing is
we got married.

And I've never
regretted it.

Oh, neither have I.

Good night.

Just a second.
That will be 45 cents.

Forty-five--
Well, everything has gone up.

Put it on my bill.

♪♪ [ Cello Playing ]

[ Oliver ]
Lisa! Are you gonna play
that stupid cello all night?

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.