Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 8 - Eb Discovers the Birds and the Bees - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

♪[whistling]

♪[Whistling]

And 10 pounds
of sugar.

And mom said would you
put that on her account?

I always do.

How are things
at the shady rest, Betty Jo?

Oh, pretty good.
We're--

♪[eb whistling]

Hi, Mr. drucker.
Mrs. Douglas sent me for...

Hi.



Mrs. Douglas sent me
for a couple of...

For what?

I haven't seen you
in a long time.

Mrs. Douglas sent me
for a can of, uh...

What, eb?

Uncle Joe will pick up
the groceries later.

Bye, Sam.

Bye.

Bye, eb.

[Laughing]
It was nice
talking to you.

She's gone.

Now what did Mrs. Douglas
send you for?

Who?

Mrs. Douglas,
she sent you for somethin'.

She did?
Well, I'll tell her.

Eb!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Eb, for cryin' out loud!

I'll pick them up.
I'll be back.

Betty Jo
sure is beautiful.

Well, it's
that time of year again.

Oh, eb, I've been
waiting for you.

Oliver,
dinner is ready.

Did you get
the sardines?

No, ma'am.

Dinner isn't ready.

Well,
what did you tell--

eb was supposed
to bring some sardines

and he didn't.

Why didn't you?

Why didn't I what?

Bring the sardines?

How can you talk
about sardines

at a time like this?

What does that mean?

You're too old
to understand.

Look--

I understand what you're
too old to understand.

don't you recognize love
when you see it?

You mean duh is in love?

Uh-huh.

With what?

Oliver!

How do you know?

He's got
all the Simpsons.

He's got all
the what?

Simpsons.

Like when the doctor
told you

you had the Simpsons
for the veerus.

Oh,
that new disease?

Yeah, yeah.
Uh, did he cure me?

Yes, he gave you
a subscription

for the
pellasinamum.

[Mutters]

Well,
what's for supper?

I wonder who she is.

Lisa, I'm hungry.

I haven't had
anything to eat all day

but a couple of
pellasinamum pills.

You're not over the veerus?

Lisa, I'm starved.
Some food.

All right.

H-how about some
chili con carne?

What happened
to all the labels?

I took them all off
so the cans would look neat.

How do you know
they're chili con carne?

That's what Mr. drucker
had a sale on.

Would you
open it please?

[Whirring]

Lisa, they go to
a lot of trouble

to put labels on these cans
so that people will know--

this is dog food!

Oh, Mr. drucker had
a sale on that, too.

[Barking]

Open this.
I am sure what it is.

What is it?

Well, it's
one of 2 things:

It's either
chili con carne

or dog food.

I want back to drucker's
for the sardines.

Oh, thank goodness.
Where are they?

Where's what?

The sardines.

Oh, I'll go to drucker's
and get some.

Never mind.
Never mind.

Sit down, have
something to eat.

You got a choice:

Chili con carne
or dog food.

I ain't hungry.

Who is she, eb?

Betty Jo Bradley.

[Sighs]

Oh, uh, one of
Mrs. Bradley's daughters.

Her youngest
and prettiest.

She's beautiful.

Yeah.
She's got a face

that would make any man
forget his sardines.

You have a very romantic way
of putting it.

You and Betty Jo
grew up together.

What took you so long
to forget your sardines?

Well, when I walked
into the store

a little while ago
and saw her,

it suddenly hit me.

She was no longer
Betty Jo,

the utility infielder
for the hooterville hawks.

She had suddenly
blossomed

into a beautiful
young woman.

And now that I've blossomed
into a beautiful young man,

I figured we ought
to blossom together.

Brother.

Mr. Douglas, you know
i always kind of think of you
as a father and...

Well, can I ask you
a father-son
type of question?

Um, well--

do you think
I'm too young to, um,
get married?

Not physically.

Married?

You mean
you proposed to her?

How could I?
I've never been out with her.

Why not?

She never asked me.

You're supposed
to ask her for the date.

I'm too shy.

Would you ask her
for me?

You're not supposed
to send somebody else

to ask a thing
like that for you.

You did.

When?

That time in Paris,
at the restaurant.

You sat at one table
and I sat at the other.

And you sent the waiter
over to ask me for a dance.

He was a pretty good dancer
for a waiter.

The first time
i asked you for a date

was on board ship.
I remember distinctly

you were sitting
in a steamer chair,

aloof and haughty.

I girded up my loins
and I came over.

Uh, excuse me,
uh, is this chair taken?

No.
Oh, thank you.

Well, that's why
it's not taken.

That stupid
steamship company!

Why don't they have
stronger chairs?

A man could
hurt himself in...

I'll tell my father.
He owns the ship.

He owns the--

yes, he worked his way up
from a duck in a bathtub.

Uh, what are you reading?

Who's who. You in this?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

Aren't you a who's?

No.

We've been out at sea
for 3 days.

How come I never saw you?

I'm not in first class,
you know.

I--i sneaked up here.

Oh.

Are you in 2nd class?
No.

3rd?
No.

Parcel post?

I play in the ship's band.

What instrument
do you play?

The guitar.

Uh, uh, do you know
a louder song?

Uh, no, I'm really not
a professional musician.

I'm working
my way back home.

I open my law practice
in the fall.

If you need any
legal advice, why, uh...

There, my card.

"Oliver Wendell Douglas."

Oh, there are 3 of you
in the firm?

No, that's all me. Um,

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Well, it's been nice
talking to all of you.

Oh, wait a second.

Uh, uh, look, I know
this is presumptuous,

we just met,

but could I see you again
when the ship gets
to New York?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

Oh, why?

Why? This ship
is going to Europe.

Europe, I...

No, I got on at...

No, this ship's
going to New York.

That's impossible.

I don't have
a round-trip ticket.

Well, wherever
this ship goes,

could I see you?

See me what?

Could we have a date?

Yes. Well,
why don't you call me?

Thank you.

Good night.

Um, uh, could I walk you
to your cabin?

Yes.

See, eb?
How easy it was.

It don't sound easy to me.

First, I have to learn
how to play a guitar,

get a job on a boat--

eb, if you want
a date with Betty Jo,

go over to
the shady rest hotel
and ask her.

But if she turns me down?

don't be afraid,
eb.

Do what
Mr. Douglas did.

Gurgle your lions
and ask her.

Gurgle?

You do that.

Hi, eb.

Uh, is this seat taken?

No.

Thanks.

What's the matter?

It didn't break.

Wh-why should it break?

It did
for Mr. Douglas.

Huh?

What are you readin'?

History.

You ever read
who's who?

No.

Doggone,
this ain't workin' out
the way it should.

So long.

Wait a second.
What's the matter
with you?

Well, I came over
to ask you for a date,

but you're makin' it
impossible.

You haven't asked me.

Would you?
Sure.

[Whooping]

I'll pick you up at 8:00
Saturday night.

That is if you
don't mind going out

with a fellow
with a swollen beak.

Are you all right?

Fine.

[Groans]

Did you
hurt your leg?

No, I always limp
when I'm happy.

[Knocking on door]

Who's that?

(Eb)
It's me, Mr. Douglas.

Can I come in?
It's important.

Yes, come in.

What's the matter?

I can't sleep.

I'm worried
about Betty Jo.

Well, what are you
worried about?

I thought you had
a date with her.

I did, I just don't know
where to take her.

You woke us up
to ask us that?

You got any suggestions?

Yes, why don't you--

Oliver!

Why don't you ask her
where she wants to go?

Oh, I never thought of that.
Thanks a lot.

Hold it.

don't ask her.

Why not?

I wouldn't want you to get
trapped on your first date

like I was with, um, ahem.

That's going to take
a little explanation,
Alfred.

Yeah, let's hear it, al.

Well, eb,

every unattached female
has got some fancy place

she's always wanted to go to,
you know.

A nightclub, a restaurant,
something like that.

So she waits until
some unsuspecting sucker
comes along

who utters the magic words,
"where would you
like to go?"

And then, pow!

Right in the pocketbook.

Now, put that
under your pillow
and sleep on it, huh?

Yes, sir.

Wait a moment.

There won't be any
sleeping here tonight.

What are you
talking about?

We just don't toss
those gems around

and expect them
to wash up on the shore

with oil on them.

Well, I don't want the boy

to squander
his life's savings

on his first date.

The way I did just
because I made the mistake

of asking you where you
wanted to have dinner.

When you asked me,
i said anywhere.

Yes. And when
we got into the cab,

you gave the driver
the address of that

continental clip joint
on 58th street.

Paris on the half shell,
or whatever it was called.

It was called
the lichtenstein luau.

Yeah.

How could I have
forgotten that?
The prices they charged.

(Oliver)
I should've walked out

the minute I saw
that headwaiter.

Good evening, madam.
Good evening.

And monsieur.

May I help you?

Uh, yes, could we have
a table for two,

near the window, please?

You have
a reservation?

No, but, uh...

Oh, I'm
terribly sorry.

As you can see,
we are all filled up.

But there's nobody, uh...

They are all reserved.

Well, couldn't you
squeeze us in somewhere?

Let me see.

Maybe I could, uh...

It is possible
i might...

Follow me,
Mr. rockefeller.

How will this be?

There's no table.

Uh, couldn't we
get a better--

well, this is fine.
Oh, thank you.

This is
very romantical.

Hey, we don't have
a candle.

Uh, uh, captain.

Yes, sir.

Could we have
a candle, too, please?

Very good, sir.

Cigars, cigarettes.
Candles?

You mean you have to
buy the candle?

Oh! This is
a pretty one.

Yes, ma'am.

That'll be $3, sir.

$3?

Well that's
highway robbery.

Uh, here's $5.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, you
overtipped her.

Well, I didn't mean to.
I...

Well, you wanted
a candle and...

You're very beautiful.
I just...

[Grunts]

Uh. Hey, captain.

(Captain)
Yes, sir.

The table's wobbly,
could you...

I'm sorry, sir.
I will fix it.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Yeah. I was saying,

you have such
beautiful eyes--

[sighing]

(Captain)
There you are, sir.

Get it from
the cigarette girl.

Well, where was I?

Oh, yes.

Uh, the first time
i saw you on shipboard,

I said to myself--

(waiter)
One chateaubriand!

[Groans]

Why don't you--

what did you say to yourself?

I said--

may I have your
cocktail order, please?

Uh, yes. W-what--
w-what would you like?

Champagne?

Champagne?

[Bottle cork popping]

Uh, wait, I didn't order
champagne.

The lady
said champagne.

Oh.

At least you could have
asked me what kind I wanted.

We only serve one kind, sir.
Chateau bouffant.

It's the very best.

You're terribly extravagant.

Well, I didn't--

well, what shall we
drink to?

How about--

(waiter)
One lobster newburg.

Will you please...

Why don't you have
another glass of champagne?

Uh, yes. Uh, could I have
some more champagne, please?

[Cork popping]

There you are,
sir.

Why did you order
another bottle?

We didn't drink
the first one yet.

I--i didn't order...

[Sighing]

Will you light the candle,
please?

I'll get a match, sir.

You certainly
are a big spender.

Well--well, when you're out
with a gorgeous girl like you,

money is no object. You see,

I've been out with
a lot of girls in my time,

but I've never met
anybody quite like--

(waiter)
2 wiener schnitzels.

Will you be
more care...

Every time you go
through that door,

you nearly
knock me off my chair.

As I was saying--
my nose is on fire!

Oh, my goodness.

What did you do that for?

Well, you said
your nose was on fire.

Why did you
throw the champagne?

[Cork popping]

At $28 a bottle,

that was the most
expensive night I ever had.

Oliver, you exaggerated
that story.

Not much.

Eb, you take my advice.

You take Betty Jo
to some place
you know you can afford.

Thanks for the advice, dad.

don't call me--

good night.

Uh, now that
your son is gone,

shall we get back to
the lichtenstein luau
incident?

Good night.

Where would you like to go
Saturday night, Betty Jo?

Well, wherever
you want.

No. Where you want.

How about the bijou?

And afterward we can have
a hamburger at the diner.

Great, we'll go to
the football rally

and then for a bike ride.

Eb, i--i said the bijou.

I know what you said,

but I was told not to
pay any attention to you.

What?

I know how girls are.

They steer you to a clip joint

and then order
candles and champagne.

If you'd rather
not go out Saturday night,

just forget it.

Betty Jo!

Doggone it!

Hello,
Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, hello, eb.

Eb,
where have you been?

You're supposed
to be milking Eleanor.

I was over
at Betty Jo's.

Where are you going to
take her Saturday night?

Nowhere. Thanks to you.

What?

A fine father you are.

I am not your father.

I'm glad.

The kind of advice you give
your son, which I'm not,

and I don't intend to be.

What happened, eb?

Well, she said
she wanted
to go someplace,

so I said we're going
someplace else.

I told her she wasn't
gonna steer me

into any $3-a-candle
clip joint.

You told her what?

That's what you said to do.

No, I didn't mean
you should--

she called our date off.

Boy, you sure know
how to break up a romance.

If Mr. Douglas broke it up,
he's going to fix it up.

I'll fix it up?

Thank you. I'm proud
to be your son again.

Look,
i didn't say I'd--

oh!

[Mooing]

I'm sorry, Eleanor,
it was an accident.

Oliver, you've got
to do it for the boy.

I am not
going to do--

you want me to cry
in front of Eleanor?

All right.
I'll talk to her.

You see, I was
trying to tell eb

about my wife
steering me

into this clip joint
on our first date.

Well, no, she didn't
really steer me, she...

But eb was afraid
you night steer him...

(Oliver)
Look, what
I'm trying to say is

please, will you
change your mind

about the date
Saturday night?

Well--
say you'll go.

All right.

Mom. Mom!

[Hen clucking]

Chick-chick.

Hiya, honey.

Oh, hello, darling.

Where were you
all afternoon?

At the shady rest hotel.

Oh, well, what took
you so long?

Oh, I was trying
to explain to Mrs. Bradley

that it was all
a mistake.

She thought I was
trying to date Betty Jo.

You trying to date
Betty Jo?

No.

Then why did Mrs. Bradley
think you did?

Because Bobbie Jo
overheard me

ask Betty Jo for a date.

Then you
did ask her.

Yes, for you.

How'd I make out?

It's all settled.

Oh boy, where
are we going?

(Oliver)
Mrs. Bradley suggested

a dance at the pixley
elk's club. I said--

[whooping]

I'm going dancing
with Betty Jo.

You did it again.

What?

I can't dance.

Oh! For crying out loud.

Well, that's easy.

Would you teach me?

No, but Mr. Douglas will.

Me?

Well, I can only dance
like a girl.

So you've got to teach him
how to dance like a boy.

What do we do first?

I am not about to teach--

then you better go and
tell them the date's off.
I can't dance.

I'm not going...

Do you know
the box step?

What's that?

Well, you put
your left foot out

and you bring up
your right foot

and you come over like this
and back like that, huh?
Try that.

No, no, no, no.

Follow me. Now,

a 1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3. 1--

watch it, you, clumsy...

I'm not getting
any message from you.

Eb, close your eyes
and make believe

that you're dancing
with Betty Jo.

I'll try,
but it won't be easy.

Once more.

A 1, 2, 3.
A 1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.
1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.
1, 2, 3.

♪[Music playing]

[Glass tinkling]

Eb,
you dance divinely.

Thank you, Betty Jo.

Oh. Sorry.

No, it was my fault.

Oh, it was mine.

Then watch it.

Eb, you're wasting
your time
working for Mr. Douglas.

You should be
on the stage.

♪[Music playing]

[Thudding]

Eb?

♪[Music playing]

Would you mind
telling me

what you think
you're doing?

Oh, Mr. Douglas!

That was very good, eb.

(Oliver)
Help me up.

Oh, darling.

[Screams]

Oh.

What do you think,
Mr. Douglas?

I think you should
give up dancing.

No. He'll learn.

He's got till
Saturday night.

Well, folks,
what do you think?

Ah, you look
very handsome.

Think I'll sweep
Betty Jo off her feet?

Oh, you're
a real sweeper.

Now, remember
everything I told you.

Yes, ma'am.

Be sure to hold
the door open for her,

let her
go through first,

let her sit down
before I sit down,

pay for both tickets
even if she offers
to pay for her own,

and no necking.

Lisa, did you tell him--

no, Mrs. Bradley
threw that one in.

Have a good time,
eb.

Thank you.

And thanks for
lettin' me have the car.

Oh, wait a minute. Here,
I've got something for you.

Roses for me.
Then you do care.

They're for Betty Jo.

I was in pixley
and I thought I'd buy...

Well, I knew you
wouldn't have sense
enough to buy them.

Women are soft touches
for flowers.

We're--we're
very romantical.

Gee, sometimes
it's hard for me

to realize that you two
are as old as you are.

Look, eb--

well, have
a good time, eb.

Thank you. Good night.

That was very sweet of you
to get those roses.

Well, he needs
all the help he can get.

I guess that's why
i love you.

You're always
hollering,

but underneath,

you have a soft spot
in your head.

Heart.

There, too.

Come on.
Let's do the dishes.

Darling, would you
please unzip me?

Oh, sure, sure.

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Eb.

Eb, what are you
doing home?

You just left
a half an hour ago.

The date is off.

Oh.
What happened?

Well, I went over
to the shady rest

to call for Betty Jo

and I handed her
the flowers.

A and the next thing I knew
she had tears in her eyes.

Tears?

Yeah, then she
started to sneeze

and her eyes
swelled up.

What?

She's allergic
to roses.

Mr. Douglas,
you did it again.

Well, it could be worse.

She could be
allergic to diamonds.

(Lisa)
This has been a filmways
presentation, darling.