Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Computer Age - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

It will work.
Oh, no,
it won't.

It will.
Hank ought to know.

Yes, we've had--
hold it!

Ain't nobody gonna
pay no attention
to what's goin' on

as long as they got
their names up there.

They finished?

Yeah.

Ok. Well, what were
you sayin', Hank?

I was saying
it will not work.

You were saying
it will work.



When did I
say that?

Well, just before
the names.

Oh. Well,
if that's what I said,

I'll stick with it.

Well, do whatever
you want to with it,

but I still say
the whole idea

ain't worth
the powder it'd take
to blow it to--

(Oliver)
Morning.
Mornin', Mr. Douglas.

Good morning.
To blow it to what?

To blow it to--
hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hi.

Why don't we
ask Mr. Douglas?

Why?

Well, he went
to college.

That don't mean nothin'.
A lot of dummies
come out of college,

don't they,
Mr. Douglas?

Well, I suppose
there are--

even if Mr. Douglas
is a dummy, he'd know,

wouldn't you,
Mr. Douglas?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

That's never kept you
from answerin' before.

Fred.

I was telling
Fred that, uh,

in a few years,
it's very likely that all
farming will be run that way.

Don't you agree?

Agree to what?

You see? And he's
one of those dummies
that went to college.

Mr. Douglas, uh, do you know
what this argument's about?

I haven't the
faintest idea.

It's about
computers.

You know what they are?

Of course he does.
The dummy went to college,
didn't he?

Now, Mr. Ziffel,
I'm getting
a little tired of--

you see, according to
the department,

in a few years,
all farming will be
done by computers.

Yes, I've read
about that.

About what?

About farming
being done by computers.

That's just
what I was saying
to Mr. Douglas.

Oh. You're
Mr. Douglas.

[Chuckles]

Well, anyway,

in the future, all farmers
will not have to depend
upon people like myself

to get information
about farming.

I will be replaced
by a computer.

I'll drink to that.

No longer will you
come to me and ask:
"What shall I plant?"

You'll go
to a computer
and ask him.

Well, it's not a "him,"
it's--

it's not
a "her" either.

Well, it could be.

Well, I guess a machine
doesn't care what it is
as long as it's well oiled.

I wish I were.

Mr. Douglas,
I ask you,

do you believe it's possible
for one of them computers

to tell us farmers
what to plant?

Yes, it is.

Well, if you
believe that,

you're a bigger fruitcake
than he is.

Mr. Ziffel--

you're sufferin'
from shriveled raisins.

There is nothing wrong
with my raisins.

I'll drink to that.

The day is coming
when the farmer will depend

on the computer
for all sorts of answers
to his farm questions.

Well, I don't need
no computer
to tell me what to do.

I've got Doris.

She, too,
can be replaced
by a computer.

Well, I'll
drink to that.

But not to the rest
of it.

So Fred ziffel
and Mr. Kimball

got into this big argument
about computers.

What's that?

Computers,
electronic brains.

Oh, like the kids
ask santy claus

for Christmas?

What?

You know, the choo-choo
with the tracks.

Oh, no, no,
you're thinking of
an electronic train.

Uh, I mean,
an electric brain.

Uh, train-- brain--

a computer.

See what I mean?

No, I don't see
what you mean?

What about?

A-A-About, uh--

what were we
talking about?

I don't know.

Computers,
they're great big machines

that give you information
on any subject that you--

where did that
come from?

You stupid--

oh, poor darling.

Well, don't
blame me,

you've been
asking for it.

I didn't know
you were in there.

You got my nail
in your head?

Here it is.

Oh, thanks.

You can
stop looking.

We fixed the door.

Yeah, it doesn't
come off the track
anymore.

I'll believe that
when I see it.

You ready
for the test, alf?

Ready.

10, 9, 8, 7--

you don't have to
count down,

you're not sending up
a rocket.

Now you made us
forget where we were.

7.

Thank you.

7, 6, 5, 4,

3, 2, 1,
blastoff.

How's that?

Wonderful.
It didn't come off
the track.

How could it?
The whole closet moved.

You don't
like it that way?

No, I don't.

I guess there's
just no pleasing
some people.

Come on,
let's move it back.

I'll explain it to you
once more.

A computer is
like a brain,

except that it works
electronically.

You mean not the way
my brain works.

No, I don't think
there's anything

that works
quite like that.

Thank you.

Uh, now,
a computer can solve

complicated equations
in seconds.

Excuse us.

We're not interrupting
a summit meeting, are we?

No.

Closet door
is working.

Good.

Yeah, it falls off
just like it used to.

What good is that?

Well, you didn't
want the closet
to move.

No, I didn't.

Well, you can't
have both.

Look, all I want
is a closet

that doesn't move
and a door that doesn't
fall off

when you open it.

That's all,
he says.

Mr. Douglas,

when I was
in the closet working,

just before I bopped you
with the hammer,

you were talking
about computers.

Well, what about them?

Do they really work?

Of course.

Would you lend me $18?

What has that
got to do with it?

Lend it to her.

I'm not gonna
lend her anything.

Well, then I can't
get married.

Is that what you want
the $18 for,
a big wedding?

No, it's to
find a husband.

In my experience
there are very few

good $18 husbands.

Mr. Douglas
was a $600 job.

What do you mean,
I was a $6--

that's how much
the dress cost
that I hooked you with.

You paid
$600 for--

well, there was nothing to it.
It was just a little--

oh.

I don't want the money
for a dress.

$18 is what they charge
for cupid's computer.

Cupid's computer?

What is that?

It's kind of a
lonely hearts club
with transistors.

Oh, you mean
one of those places

where they use a computer
to find you a mate.

Their motto is,
"we're programmed
for love."

Well, who isn't?

But how do they do it?

Well, you see, they give you
this card and you punch out

all the things
you know about yourself,
like your height,

your weight, your age,
your likes, your dislikes,

what you're
looking for in a man,

and then they put it
in the computer with cards
of the opposite sex.

[Giggles]

Then what happens?

Well, they put
all your information
in the computer

and then when a boy's card
matches a girl's card,

they get married.

Well, that's all right
for the cards,

but what about
the people?

That's what I meant.
"They" get married.

Just from the cards?

You--you don't have
to drop a handkerchief

or use special perfume
or anything?

No.

Well, that isn't
very romantical.

Lisa, the idea is
to use a computer

to bring 2 compatible
people together.

Sure. And all I need
for my half of the compatible
is $18.

You got it.

Here's $20.

Use the other $2
to buy a marriage license.

Mr. Douglas,
you're a dreamboat.

Alf, the cheapskate
lent me the money!

Oh, the--

Oliver,
I am surprised at you.

You should have
never given her
the money.

That's no way
to catch a husband.

Lisa, I did her
a favor.

How else is a girl like that
gonna get a husband,

unless he comes out
of a machine?

But before
there were machines,
there were man and women,

and it worked pretty good
without punching holes.

Lisa.

There's nothing wrong
with finding
a husband or wife

with a computer.
It's all done
scientifically.

Love isn't scientifical.

Well, maybe it
should be.

Then all a fellow
would have to do
is find some girl

whose card matched his own
and they could get married.

Wouldn't have to go through
that nonsense.

What nonsense?

Oh, you know,

bringing her flowers,
getting his shoes shined,

shaving every time
they had a date.

Lying to her father
about how much money he made.

Did you lie to my father
about that?

How could I?
He had a c.P.A.
Audit my books.

My father believed
in the old-fashioned
courtship,

is all the little things
that made a girl happy.

Like, checking up
the fellow's bank balance,

and sending out
the engagement ring

to be appraised.

Did he do that
with that ring I gave you?

Yes, you just passed
by $3.

$3?

And that was a close shave
you had there, Rodney.

The black 10
on the red Jack.

Thank you.

Lisa, you--

what are you doing?

He's playing
solitaire.

I know what
he's doing.

Why did you ask?

Why aren't
you working?
Ralph left.

Where'd she go?

Where would you go
if you had $18?

I didn't think
she'd go today.

What do you expect
from a love-sick
carpenter?

Well, i--

that machine
better work out
for her.

If she punches in
with some creep,

you're going to
have to answer
to mom.

It will work.
Why won't it work?

Nothing's more
accurate than
a computer.

Banks use them,
industries uses them,

they even send up
rockets with them.

Yeah, but finding a husband
for Ralph isn't as easy
as any of those.

Oliver,
it's not going to work.

It will work.

Would you like to make
a small bet?

If you and I went through
the same computer together,

we wouldn't
come out together.

Would you like
to test that?

Yes, I would.

All right.

Here is my $9,
where is yours?

Ah, all right,
here we are.

Oh, darling,
let's not go in.
The whole thing is silly.

It's not silly.
Now if I make my point,
you can't back out.

Ooh!

Oh, darling.

You got some kind
of thing about doors?

Look, Ralph--
no names, please,
I'm number 924.

Where's your husband?

He hasn't come out
of the computer yet.

They have to wait
till they find a card
that matches mine.

Well, while
you're waiting,

would you mind going home
and finishing our bedroom?

Just because
I'm into you for $20
doesn't mean I'm your slave.

Yes, may I help you?

Uh, we would like
to be punched.

Punched?

Well, you know,
with the cards.

Oh. Well, Mr. Blisswell
will be with you
in a few moments.

Uh, while you're waiting,

why don't you look
at some of the pictures
of the happy couples

who were brought together
by cupid's computer?

Thank you.

Ah. Well, is that
your mother there

with the bullfighter?

No. That is not
my mother.

Did you want
to see me?

Oh. Are you the gentleman
with the computer?

Yes, i'm
Mr. Blisswell.

I'm Oliver Douglas.

How do you do?
I'm Lisa Douglas.

I'm pleased to
meet you.
Thank you.

Won't you come in?

Uh, please sit there,
young lady.
Thank you.

And your father
can sit over there.

I am not her father,
I'm her husband.

I'm afraid,
I don't understand.

This is a service
for single people.

I'll try to explain it
to you.

My wife doesn't think
it's possible

for a computer to bring
2 people together,
and I do.

Mrs. Douglas,
did you notice the young lady
at the desk when you came in?

Yes, uh, but my husband
noticed her more.

Well, she happens to be
Mrs. Blisswell.

Oh, she's your wife?

Yes, we were brought together
by a computer.

Well, I don't believe
that you can find love
through electric trains.

Brains.
Electronic brai--
well, electronic bra--

electronic train--

well, whatever they are,
we are here to test it.

I see.

You're from
the police department?

No.

Better business bureau?

No.

Well, it doesn't make
any difference.

We're running
a highly legitimate
enterprise here.

And through
the wonders of science,

we've brought together
thousands of happy couples.

Couples who otherwise
would have gone out in life--

uh, you don't
have to give us
the sales talk.

We're already married.

Uh, all I want to do is
run through the computer
with my wife

to show her that
we'll come out together.

Now, uh,
what do we do first?

You give me $36.

I thought
it was $18.

There are 2 of you.

Yes, but we're
already married.

Wouldn't we get
a pre-marital discount?

I mean, a--a--a discount
for being pre--

I'll write you a check.

Very well.
Now, will each of you
fill out one of these forms?

They give us
the information we need
for the computer.

We call them
"cupid's poop sheet."

What is a poop?

A poop is--

facts about yourself,

name, age,

habits, likes,
dislikes, education--

oh, could you
back up to the age?

Do I have to
put that down?

Put down whatever
you think is fair.

And the computer
is programmed
to compensate for it.

Oh. Mmm.

Now, uh, please be honest
with all the other answers

so that we can get
an accurate picture of you
for the computer.

Now you see
Mrs. Blisswell
is feeding the information

to the computer
from the forms
that you filled out.

You mean
she's pooping us
through the machine?

Yes, that's what
she's doing.

And all the data
that you have supplied

is being digested
by the machine.

And in a matter of seconds,
we will have
an electronic profile of you.

[Machine rattles]

There you are,
Mrs. Douglas.

That's you.

How do you know it's me
and not my husband?

Pink, for a girl.

[Machine rattles]

Blue, for a boy.

It doesn't have
my name on it.

No, this is
a code number
up here.

Your number
is 722,

and yours
is 723.

Then it does work.

We came out right next
to each other.

No, no,
those are just
for our files,

no names,
all numbers.

Uh, now then, if you'll, uh,
just follow me, please?

Now, this is our
match-and-mate machine.

Now, your card
goes in here,

722, along with
Mr. 723.

Now what happens?

Now we turn on
the machine.

[Machine whirring]

Would you care to try
for 2 out of 3?

Lisa.

We are slots apart.

You must have
put them in
upside down.

Try that again.

Why certainly. I'll make sure
that this thing
is operating correctly.

There you are.

[Machine whirring]

You said this machine
never makes a mistake.

It doesn't.

Well, if it doesn't,
then we must have.

It was nice
knowing you.
Bye.

Lisa.

Uh, just a moment, sir.

You owe me $36.

For what?
Breaking up
my marriage?

Lisa.

Lisa. Lisa, Lisa,
open the door.

I am sorry, 723,

but I can't allow
any strangers in my bedroom.

I'm not a stranger,
I'm your husband.

Then why didn't we fall
in the same slot together?

I don't know.
Will you forget
that machine?

I thought
you believed
in them.

Well, I changed my mind.

Well, I changed mine.

According to the machines,
we're incomputible,

and we pooped out
on different electronicals.
Good night.

Lisa! Lisa!

Well,
that's a nice thing.

I come out here
to make up with you
and you're trying to hit me.

Oh, no, no, no, Lisa,
I wasn't going
to try to hit you.

Good night!

No, Lisa.
Ooh!

♪[Whistling]

Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas?

Ooh.

Oh, good morning,
Mr. Haney.

Pepperdink.

What?

Pepperdink.

What are you
talking about?

How come you know
the secret sign,

but you don't know
the password?

Oh, oh, my nose. I--

ah! The little woman
belt you one?

No. I bumped
into a door.

Well, that ain't original,
but I'll accept it.

Mr. Haney, I'm in--

I was drawing
past here last night

and I heard
somebody poundin'
on the bedroom door, yellin',

"Lisa, Lisa."

Was that you?

Of course
it was me.

Had a little spat, huh?

Well, we--

come with me,
I'm the answer
to your problems.

Mr. Haney,
I haven't slept
all night.

You will tonight.

We guarantee it.

Haney's apologizing service?

"We make up
with your wife."

Mr. Haney,
I don't need--

Mr. Douglas, most men
are too proud to apologize
to their wives,

but not me.
I do the apologizin'
for you.

And my fee depends
on how oily a job
the husband requires.

Mr. Haney,
I don't--

now let's take a simple

you-spent-all-evening-
looking-at-lottie-haskins-and-
you-didn't-look-at-me-once

type of husband-wife spat.

Now, for $3,
I show up

with this bouquet,
which I present to the
aggrieved wife,

with the
following apology:

"Honey, the reason
that I was looking
at lottie instead of you is,

I just couldn't believe
that she's that much uglier
than you."

Oh, I can see how
that would get you
off the hook.

'Course, that's just
a simple $3 argument.

Now, suppose your wife

accuses you of
committin' a $7 offense.

A $7?

A red hair
on your lapel.

I show up with flowers,

with candy,

and an Irish setter
which is sheddin'.

And a humble apology
for stayin' out all night
huntin' jackrabbits.

I must remember that one.

Oliver,
where were you
last night?

Care to have me
answer that for you?

No, I don't.

If it's a
blonde hair,

I've got
a golden retriever

and a story
about havin' trouble
with a game warden.

You locked the door.
I slept on the sofa.

I unlocked it.

You did?

I was just
teasing you.

I am sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Excuse me, uh,
that'll be $6.

For what?

Reconciliation.

Another fightin' couple
brought together

by the "haney
apologizin' company."

Mr. Haney...

Pepperdink.

Huh?

You wouldn't charge
a fellow lodge member,
would you?

Pepperdink.

Darling,
hmm.

I like
to fight with you,
it's such fun to make up.

Yeah, I guess it is.

You like to kiss me?

Hmm, sure.

Wait a minute.
What's your number?

Will you forget
those numbers?

Oh, boy, we're on the road
to another good make-up.

Lisa,

I don't care
what any computer says.

You and I are made
for each other.

You're the only man
for me.

You're sure?

Positive.

[Knocking on door]

Will you excuse me?

[Sighing]

I'll mind your seat
for you.

Yes?
I'm 468.

You're what?

I'm looking for 722.

Oh! That's me.

We slotted out together.

I'm pleased
to meet you.

Likewise.

Oh, i--i ho-hope
you don't like
big weddings.

Uh, if you don't mind,
722 is already
married to me.

You mean, you married
my number?

Look, Mac,
I had her number
long before you did.

Now, if you don't mind--

just a second.
You owe me $18.

What for?

Well, that's what it cost me
to go through the computer
with this false alarm.

Please.

Don't shove.
Beat it!

Oh, darling.

[Chatters]

Oh.

Goodbye!

Now that shows
how wrong
that machine is.

I would have never married
a fellow who goes around

punching my husband
in the nose.

Thanks.

Now, where were we?

I was about
to kiss you.

That's right.

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Howdy doody. I just came by
to tell you the good news.

I heard from the computer
and I'm getting married.

That's wonderful.
Who is he?

They didn't tell me his name,
just his number.

723.

723?
That's my number.

How did you get
in the machine?

Well, i--
you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

A married man slotting out
with other women.

Look--

fine thing.
I get my transistors
all charged up

and it turns out
to be you.

I'm sorry
I disappointed you.

(Lisa)
Wait a minute.

Would you ike to meet
a nice tall, strong fellow
with a high number?

Well...

What else do you
know about him?

Well, he's got a
beautiful right cross,

and if you hurry
you can catch him.

[Sighing]

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes.

[Thudding]

Ooh!

Darling, I'm sorry.

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.