Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 20 - Never Take Your Wife to a Convention - full transcript

The only thing Oliver learns at a farming convention is how to get a hangover. He and Lisa meet up with Charlie, a former gangster-turned-farmer, and Wanda, his floozy dancer wife. The more Charlie talks about his farm, the more Oliver's convinced that his criminal days are not in the past.

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres
we are there ♪

You're not going
to send anybody
to the state convention?

Haney,

what did I just say?

You said we're not
gonna send anybody to
the state convention.

Then why does he
want to repeat it?

Because I can't
believe it!

This convention
is for us farmers.

We know,
we read the literature.

And you're still not
going to send anybody
to the convention?

I don't see why
you're so het up,



it's not like we're against
the red cross or anything.

No, I didn't mean that.

The only thing we're against
is gene autry

kissin' the girl at the
end of the picture.

That's different.

Even if it was Ruby Keeler,
I wouldn't want to see
gene kiss her.

Gentlemen,

this convention is of
the farmer's alliance.

Farmers from all over
the state are going to gather,

to meet and discuss,
to learn from each other.

The American farmer
is not an island.

He does not stand alone
in the middle of his fields,

gazing blankly
at his fallow soil

wondering what he can do
to make something grow on it.

No!

He turns to his neighbor.

One man learns
how to grow corn. Hmm?

He tells his neighbor.

That man learns to
grow more corn,
he tells his neighbor,

etcetera,
etcetera, etcetera.

No wonder we're getting
such a low price for corn,
everybody growin' it.

We'd have been better off
if that first fellow
just stayed on his island

and kept his mouth shut.

Mr. Haney,

without communication
the American farmer
cannot progress.

That's why I can't understand
why you're not sending
anybody to the convention!

He just don't let go,
does he?

Mr. Douglas, I can
give you the answer
in one word.

Money.

Yes, it takes about
$150 to send somebody
to the state capital.

Well,

why don't we all chip in
and send somebody?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you chip in
and send yourself?

(Oliver)
Lisa!

Out here.

Hello, dear.

Lisa, guess what?
I'm gonna rep--

what are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

You're not
churning butter!

I am washing your socks.

That's a butter churn.

What's that?

You use it to make butter.

All right,
after I wash your socks,
I'll make you some.

Don't bother.

I started to tell you,
I'm going to represent
hooterville

at the state convention
of the farmer's alliance.

It's a good thing
I did your washing.

At least you'll
have a sock to wear.

Yeah.

I'd hate to travel
without an extra sock.

When is the convention?

It starts tomorrow.

What time do we leave?

Oh, you want to go, too?

Why, you didn't think that
you were going to sneak off
by yourself, did you?

I didn't ask you

because it's a farm convention
and it'll be kind of dull.

Mmm. Is it going
to be as dull

as that lawyers' convention
you went to in Atlantic city?

What lawyers' convention?

You know, the one
where you got arrested,

for hitting
the hotel manager
in the nose.

Oh, that was
an accident.

I'd like to see you
ride a surfboard

down a flight of stairs
without running
into somebody.

Is this convention
going to be
as dull as that?

Probably.

Then I'd better
come along.

You'll need somebody
to bail you out.

[People chattering]

[Bell rings]

Room 27,
for Mr. Carlson.

Right this way, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
We're all filled up.

No, but I have a--

I'm sorry, the hotel
is completely sold out.

We're having
a farmers convention.

I know,
we're delegates.

Oh?

Yes, we're farmers.

Really?

Well, we weren't
always farmers.

You see my husband was
a lawyer in New York,

but he always wanted
to get away
from the rat's race

and buy a farm
and plant his little seeds
in the rich brown earth

and watch them
shoosting up
into the sky and--

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa,

you don't have
to give that speech.

Well, you always do.

I'm a farmer. I called
from hooterville

and we have a reservation
for a suite.

Under what name?

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Ah, yes, yes. Here we are.
Oscar mendel mcdougal.

No, no. It's
Oscar Wendell mcdouglas.

I mean,
Oscar Doug-- Oscar mc--

Oscar-- ol-Oliver--
Oliver Douglas mcwendell.

While you're trying
to make up your mind,
would you please step aside?

We have a long line.

I called yesterday.
I talked--
next. Yes, sir.

Do you have a reservation
for Oscar mendel mcdougal?

Yes, sir.

[Bell rings]

Suite 21-a
for Mr. Mcdougal, please.

Next?

Uh, look, I have
a reservation, i--

under what name?

Oscar mendel mcdougal.

Lisa!

Well, you saw how easily
that fellow got a reservation
under that name.

I don't have to
give a phony name.

Now please, look through
your reservations

and I'm sure
you'll find one for

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Yes, sir. Oliver wen--

oh, yes, yes.
That name rings a bell.

[Exclaims]

Oliver Wendell.

We have a flyer on you
from a hotel in Atlantic city.

A flyer?

Where's your surfboard?

What?

Broke the manager's nose, uh?

I didn't break--

well, you should have seen
my surfboard.

Now what about
our reservation?

The best I can do for you
is a room on the 8th floor.

Does it have a bath?

On the 9th floor.

You can't have
a room with a
disconnected bath.

We'd better take it.

[Bell rings]

Room 807.

807!

What's he got
against you, Mac?

Now what do we do?

Well, it's an hour
before the
opening session,

why don't we
mingle with some
of the delegates?

Do you know
anybody here?

No, not a soul.

Ollie! Baby!

[Exclaims]

Well,

you sure make friends fast.

Well, there's
some mistake.

Ollie, don't you
remember me?

Boston. Harvard.

Harvard?

Oh, she was one
of your classmates.

She might have been.
I can't remember
all the fellows in my class.

Ollie,
don't you remember?

The Boston folly!

I was the 3rd balloon
from the left.

The 3rd--

Wanda hills!

Oh!

[Stuttering]

Lisa, I want you to meet
an old balloon of mine.

Uh-uh...

I'm pleased to meet you.

Who's this?

Uh, this is my wife, Lisa.

Your wife?

You always told me
you weren't
the marrying kind.

He told me that, too,
but I didn't pay
any attention.

W-w-w-what
are you doing here?

I'm here for
the convention.

Which convention is that?

The farmers'.

Well, what are you
doing here, Ollie?

We're here for
the convention, too.
I--i own a farm.

You, a farmer?

The playboy
of the Boston commons.

[Clears throat]

Hey, remember the time
you got arrested,

you know, for
riding your surfboard
down bunker hill?

For a fellow who doesn't
like to swim, you do
an awful lot of surfing.

Ollie,
you won't
believe this,

but I married a farmer.

He's a great guy.

I want you
to meet him.

Hey!

Charlie!

[Whistles]

Oh, listen, uh,
he doesn't know anything
about the Boston follies.

He thinks I used to be
a toe dancer
at the ballet rousse.

We won't say a word.

How many times
do I have to tell you
not to yell in public domain?

I just wanted
to introduce you
to a friend of mine.

Lisa!

Charlie!

[Exclaims]

No, no, she means--

you two know each other?

Of course.
This is Charlie.

We used to know
each other
on park Avenue.

Charlie's father was
my mother's bootlegger.

Your mother's--

only during prohibition.

Oh, well, that makes it--

uh, Charlie,
this is my husband, Oliver.

Hey, you a farmer?

Yes.
Me, too.
Howdy, neighbor.

[Groans]

Ain't it a small world?

Charlie, I mean,
here you knew Lisa,
and I knew Ollie.

I mean,

during the days
when I was a toe dancer
at the ballet rousse.

Hey, uh, what are we
standing around here for?

Why don't we go inside
and have a belt

and talk about
the good old days, huh?

No, the opening session
is just about to start.

Are you kidding?
That's nothing
but a lot of speeches.

Well, I came
to listen to them.

Forget it,
it's dullsville.

I never listen to 'em.

What did you
come here for?

It's a great
tax deduction.

Shall we?

[Chuckling]

Anybody care
for any more
bubbly water?

Yes, please.

You know, anyway,

when I was working
for my uncle
in this bookie joint,

farming was
the furthest thing
from my mind.

As a matter of fact,

if we hadn't gotten raided,
I'd probably still be
hustlin' debts.

Yeah, that's how Charlie
got interested in farming.

When he was in stir.

In stir?

You know, the pokey.

Anyway, I was assigned
to the prison farm.

Hoein', rakin',
all that jazz.

And one day
I said to myself.
I said,

"Charlie, this is
the way to live.

"Get outta that rat race,
get outta the rackets,

get away from the fuzz."

You know,
when you get sprung,

why don't you
buy yourself
a little farm?

Plant the little seeds
in the soil,

watch the little green things
pushin' their heads up
through the earth,

reaching for the sun,
for the sky.

Ain't he poetic?

My husband always makes
the same speech
about the soil.

Well, not exactly.
I, uh,

don't mention, uh,
the rackets
and the fuzz.

Yeah, but you know
what I mean.

Anyway,
when I got sprung out
I bought me a farm.

(Wanda)
You should have seen Charlie
when he saw the place.

He was like a little kid
with his first Tommy gun.

That's how
my husband was.

Well, I never had a--

you know,
it's the first time

in my whole life
I was legit?

I got 5,000 acres.

5,000!

Yeah. I only started
with a 100.

Then I went around
to the neighbors
to try to buy some more,

but they wouldn't sell.

It was right after that

that they started to
have little troubles,

like tractors
exploding,

hired hands having
little accidents.

Oh, isn't that sad?

Yeah, a couple of them
even found stink bombs
in their Wells.

Yeah, I felt
pretty sorry
for 'em,

so I bought them all out
at 10 cents on the dollar.

Oh, wasn't that nice
of Charlie?

Lisa, don't you
realize--

you know how many
cows Charlie has?

150 gerneys.

Guernseys, stupid.
We also got 5,000
white leghorns.

Oh, we got a lot
of chickens, too.

White leghorns
is chickens,
dum-dum.

Oh, boy,
that's what I get for
marrying a city dame.

150 cows?
Where do you market the milk?

Well there's this
here dairy.

Yeah, remember
all the trouble we had
with them in the beginning?

Oh, yeah.
I went to them
and I said:

"Where do you get
your milk from?"

Well, they gave me
some lip.

Well, it was
right after that

that their pastulizer
sprung a little leak.

Pastulizer?
Yeah, that's the thing
they put the milk in.

Oh, yes,
I'm very familiar
with it.

Well, I tell you,
after that I had
no trouble with them.

Yeah, I can understand that.

Hey, uh, how many cows
you got?

We have one, Eleanor.

One cow?

Yes, and we have
6 chickens.

Hey, what are you,
sharecroppers?

No, I just haven't--

hey, pally, you need
some organization.

I'll tell you what.

I'll bring down
a couple of my boys

and we'll put you
in business.

Oh, oh, no, thank you.

Darling, if Charlie
wants to help you,

I think
you ought to let him.

Not the way he--

no arguments.
If Lisa wants it done,
then it's done.

Now, why don't we
go change our duds,

and go out on the town?

Oh, oh, the meeting
is just starting.

Forget it!
For the next 3 days,

we've got fun and frolic
ahead of us.

♪[Music playing]

You keep dancing
this way and they'll
throw us out of here.

I wish they would.
It's 4:00 in the morning.

We're the only ones here.

Oh, come on, loosen up.

Look at your wife.

No thanks.

What happened to Ollie,
the little old
balloon buster?

Oh, I never busted it.
And I'm tired.

You never should have
married such a young chick.

[Ringing]

Hello, hello.

Hello.

Who was it?

Oh, I don't know.
Some joker
with a water pistol.

[Phone ringing]

Hello.

(Woman)
good morning.

It's 7:00. The temperature
is 72 degrees
and rain is predicted.

Yeah, I know, I felt
a couple of drops.

The symposium on fertilizers
will start promptly
at 9:00.

Uh, thank you.

What's the matter?
Fertilizer.

Must be some kind
of a convention
going on here.

Hi, there.
Hello, eb.

Welcome home.
Did you have
a nice time?

Don't yell in my ear.

Oh, hungover.

It must have been
a great convention.

It must have been,
I didn't see any of it.

That alliance
really swings, huh?

No, no,
just Charlie.

Who's he?

He's one of my wife's
stir-crazy friends.

He wasn't as much
a friend of mine

as the balloon dancer
was a friend of yours.

Balloon dancer?

Boy, the old alliance
ain't what it used to be.

Eb, get the bags.

Out of the car
or from under your eyes?

Eb,

if I have any trouble
from you,

I'm gonna have Charlie
rub you out.

Huh?

Now, all we want
is to sleep for 3 days.

Don't disturb us.

Good morning,
good morning,
good morning.

Oh, morning.
Did you sleep well?

Fine! The first decent sleep
I've had in 3 nights.

Oh, but it was fun
to get away
to the restaurants

and the dancing
and the goo goo clubs.

Oh, those goo goo clubs.

Are you
hungry, darling?

[Bubbling]

I was. Have you
got anything else?

Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!

What's the matter?

We've got company.
Who?

I think it's
the governor
or somebody.

It's a long
black limousine
with a chauffeur.

Hold it, will you?

Hey, show a little class.

You ain't working
for frank nitty
no more.

Hey, you sure this is
the right place?

Well, it must be.
There's Ollie.

(Wanda)
Hi, Ollie!

Oh, no, ma barker.

Hiya, pally.

How are you?

What are you doing?

It's ok, Louie.
He's a friend of mine.

Uh, Louie here's
my hired hand.

Hiyas.

"Hiyas?" what kind
of hired hand talk
is that?

Oh, uh,
hiyas, neighbor.

That's better.

Hello there.
Hey, lis, baby.

Hi, honey.
Oh, hello.

Hey, you didn't tell me
you had a kid.

He looks just like him,
don't he?

The spittin' image.

He's not the...
He's our hired hand.

Howdy, folks.

Louie, now that's
hired hand talk.

Say, would you--
would you give Louie
a few lessons?

Well, uh,
how does $50 grab ya?

Thank ye, neighbor!

Eb, give that back here.

Say, uh, pal,
level with me.
Will ya?

What is all this?

This is our house!

Who done it to you? Tell me,
we'll take care of him.

Nobody done it to me.
They did it to me, uh...
They didn't do it.

This is the way it was
when we bought it.

Oh, you poor kid.

And all the time
we were dancing,
you were smiling and laughing,

knowing you had
to come back to this.

I also cried a little.

Lisa, what are you telling--

pal, why didn't you tell me
things were so bad for you?

You should have known
when he stuck you
with all those bar checks.

I didn't stick him.

Pal, we're gonna fix
all of that right now.

Wanda, give her the mink.

Here, honey.

[Exclaiming]

Oh, this is a good one.

Here,
have a couple of rings, too.

Oh, this is a big one.

Lisa, give back that--

pal, I'm your friend.

Huh? What'd I say to you
this morning?

Get out of the bathroom!

I mean after that.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, he said he'd do
anything for you, honey,

on account of your mother
introduced all
her rich friends

to his father,
who bought
all his booze.

Otherwise,
Charlie never would have
went through college.

College?
Yale.

It figures.

Well, what can we do
for you right now?

Uh, how many acres
you got?

300.

300, eh? Louie, go over
and have a talk
with his neighbors.

(Oliver)
W-w-wait a second.

What else do you need?
I don't need anything.

You need a new tractor.

Eb--
you got it.

Now what else?
How many cows you got?

Uh, just one.

Lisa!
You just got yourself a herd.

Now what else?

I don't need anything.

Pal, why don't you let me be
the best judge of that, huh?

Louie, let's go look around
and see what else they need.

See ya.
Oh. For...

Why don't you come inside
and I'll make you
something to eat.

You do your own cooking?

Yes.

Oh, you poor kid.

Here, have a bracelet.

I don't know why
you're making me
send my mink coat back.

You've got a mink coat.

What about the rings
and the bracelet?

You got plenty of jewelry.

I don't know why
I have to send
my $50 bill back.

I never had one before.

Everything goes back!

Including your new tractor?

Yes, including my...

What new tractor?

The one I found
in the barn
this morning.

Where did this come from?

Charlie must have sent it.

Well, i--i--i can't keep this.
This is a tractor.

I mean, it's expensive.
Oh, this has gotta go back.

You'll hurt
Charlie's feelings.

You don't want to do that.

Why don't you
keep the tractor
and I'll keep the $50?

Eb!

And I'll keep
the fur coat
and the jewels.

Everything has to go back!

Well, I'll be doggoned.

Mr. Drucker, I want to...

Well, I'll be doggoned.

Well, thanks
for tellin' me, Carl.

How about that,
Mr. Douglas?

Last night, somebody broke
into the crabwell corners'
tractor company

and stole a blue tractor.

Oh, that's too...

A blue--blue...

No, blue.

Blue--blue.

No, just one blue.

The sheriff's got
an all points bulletin
out for it.

An all points bull-bull...

Boy, I'd sure hate
to be the guy
that gets caught with it.

Uh--uh, don't--don't forget
to package my airmail.

Well, Mr. Douglas, you...

Guess he ain't recovered
from the convention yet.

This tractor was stolen.

Oh, Charlie wouldn't do
a thing like that.

Lisa, the sheriff's
been looking
for a stolen blue tractor.

I got it, what am I gonna do?

How about
paintin' it red?

How about keeping
your big...

Ok, ok.

I'm going to call
the sheriff.

My husband
the stoolie.

Lisa, if they find
this tractor here,
I could go to jail.

Well, it's your turn now.
Charlie's already been.

What kind of a--

well, you don't know that
Charlie stole the tractor,

and you always say
that according to the law,

a man is guilty
till he gets a good lawyer.

I never said...

And here you are,
condemning Charlie before
he eats a hearty breakfast.

It seems a shame
to send this back.

It's got everything,
even a radio.

I don't care
what it's got--

[cows mooing]

What's that?
The cows.

What cows?

(Announcer)
the cows that were stolen
a short while ago

from the
daleville dairy farm.

Stolen?

The rustlers made off
with 30 head.

Hey, that's exactly
how many cows we got, 30.

30, 30.

The thieves also took
a brand new milking machine
which was still in the crate.

Milk, milk...

Yeah, you got a milk, milk,
30, 30 and a blue, blue.

(Announcer)
the crime wave's spread
as far as dibney's crossing,

where toll Wilson
reported the theft
of a red combine.

We don't have to
worry about that,

the one that was delivered
is yellow.

Yellow, yellow.

(Announcer)
along with the combine,

60 cans of yellow paint
were stolen.

Charlie wiped out
the entire valley
single-handed.

(Announcer)
here's a bulletin
that was just handed to me.

The pixley first national bank
was held up
about a half hour ago.

And the robbers got away
with more than $3,000 in cash.

Oliver, look what
Charlie sent me.

My own bag of money.

But, Oliver, I don't know why
you have to send back
the coat and the ring.

Everything we got
from those two
goes back.

Well, you don't even know
where to mail it,
they're on the lam.

I'll send it
to the state prison.

They're bound
to show up there
eventually.

But, Oliver--
look, I had enough trouble

trying to convince the sheriff
that I wasn't a fence
for stolen goods.

How do you know that
the coat and the rings
were stolen?

That's the only way
Charlie buys things.

Well, you let eb
keep the $50.

Well, eb earned it,
giving Louie those
"howdy neighbor" lessons.

Now, I've heard
enough of this--

Mr. Douglas,
I've been trying to get you.

Yes, what's the matter?
Eb's been arrested.

What for?

For passing
a counterfeit $50 bill.

Would you mind
mailing this for us?

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.