Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 19 - It's Human to Be Humane - full transcript

Bored and looking for a project, Lisa becomes the head of the "Hooterville Human Humane Committee." She takes her cause to the extreme, declaring everything from duck hunting to selling chicken eggs off limits. Soon, the Douglas' house is a zoo and the locals are ready to run Lisa out of town.

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

(Lisa)
Oliver!

(Oliver)
What?

Would you help me?

Where are you?

In the dishwasher.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for my hand.

What?
It got stuck.
Could you help me?

Well, what did you...

What were you
trying to do?



I don't remember.

Oh, for the...

We ought to do this
more often.

Just hold still,
will you?

I'm going to write
to the company and tell them

that we find togetherlessness
in their dishwasher.

That'll boost their morale.

It's already
boosting mine.

You haven't talked
to me in weeks.

Well, I've been busy.

You always had time
to talk to me.

Lisa, look...

You don't
love me anymore.

If I didn't love you, would I
be here in the dishwasher

trying to help you
get your hand out?

That's true.

Now just pull, pull.

Well, no wonder you couldn't
get your hand out.

Why didn't you
let go of the plate?

Well, that's what
I was looking for.

If that isn't the silliest...

You know, it's impossible
to get your hand stuck
in the dishwasher.

They're foolproof.
Only an idiot would...

Uh, Lisa...

What?

I'm stuck. Help me.

Well, then let go
of the plate.

I haven't got hold of a plate.
My hand's caught in...

Well, can't you
pull it out?

No.

Good.

Now we can have
a little talk.

Would you like to sit down?

How can I...

[Sighs]

All right, what do you want
to talk about?

Us.

2 little letters,
which means you and me.

When us were first married,

us were very romantical.

My arm is going to sleep.

Be patient.

In those days,
when you came home,

we used to sit down
and talk over

everything what happened
during the day.

You'd tell me all you did,

and I'd tell you
all the mink coats
I tried on.

Lisa, when I get
my arm loose, i'm...

You'd better not wear
this shirt anymore.
It's only got one arm.

Do you know
where my ledger is?

What's that?

Well, it's a book
about like so,

it's got a black cover.

What's the story about?

It's not that kind of a book,
it's got figures in it.

Oh.

It's that kind of a book.

No, not that kind
of figures, numbers.

Oh.

Is this it?

Oh, yes. That's it.

What did you put it
there for?

To keep the shelf
from falling down.

Oliver.

Hmm?

You busy?
Mmm-hmm.

Then I don't suppose
you want to play a game?

No.

You have your choice of
scribble,

or cabbage.

Cabbage? You mean scrabbage.

[Stuttering]
Kimble, I mean.

How about the monotony?

Monotony?

You know, that's when you own
park Avenue and I'm trying
to buy it from you.

Lisa, I'm busy.

I'm trying to figure out
whether or not we made any
profit this year on the farm.

Oh. Did we?

I don't know.

If we did, what are you
going to do with the money?

I don't know yet.

I have a good idea.

Why don't you
buy me a present?

I'll buy you a present
if you promise not to
bother me anymore.

I promise.

What are you
going to buy me?

I don't know.

How about a diamond?

No!

How about a mink coat?

I'm not going to
buy you anything now

because you
broke your promise.

I'm sorry.

Now no more talking.

All right.

Do you want to dance?

No!

That wasn't talking.

Lisa...

Do you want me
to nibble on your ears?

That's not talking
either.

Will you let me finish?

Well, when are you
going to talk to me?

Tomorrow!
Oh.

Oliver.

Oliver.

[Mumbling]

It's tomorrow morning.
What are we going
to talk about?

You woke me up to...

Lisa, I was up half the night
going over the books.

All right,
let's talk about that.

How did we do?

Well, as close
as I can figure,
we showed a profit

of $16.42.

For one day?

For the whole year.

$16.42 for a whole year?

Why, you used to tip
the hat-check girl
more than that.

What hat-check girl?

You know, the one at 21
with the long legs
and the short...

Oh, no, that's not true.
I never--

I never gave her
more than $10.

Well, that isn't enough
for a mink coat.

I never promised her
a mink coat.

I mean the one
you promised me.

Lisa, this is only
our first year.

At least we showed a profit.

Well, money isn't everything.

And $16.42 isn't anything.

Especially if you don't
talk to me.

Lisa, I got a good mind to--

well, if you don't talk to me,

the least you could do
is let me help you
with the farm.

What are you
going to do?

I'm going to plow.

You want me to help you?

No, thanks.

Do you want me
to split the money?

What money?

$16.42.

Half of it is mine
under the community property.

I'll see that you
get your share.

Good.

Now, which field
are we going to plow?

We are not going to plow.

Are we going to talk?

Lisa, what's the matter
with you?

Well, I haven't got
anything to do,

and I haven't got
anybody to talk to.

Well, why don't you
take up a hobby?

Good idea.

Fine!

What about diamond cutting?

Diamond cutting?

[Birds chirping]

Of course, first you have
to get me some big diamonds
to practice on.

Haven't you got any friends
you can visit?

No.

What about the ladies
in the every-other-Wednesday
afternoon women's club?

Well, I don't
go there anymore.

Why not?

Well, I missed one Wednesday
and I went the next Wednesday,

and it wasn't the
every-other Wednesday,

so there wasn't anybody there
and I couldn't find out
when the next meeting was.

Maybe I can help you find out.

No, never mind.

I don't want to
go there anyway.

They never put me
on a committee.
They don't like me.

Why not?

I'm too tall.

That's no reason not to
put you on a committee.

Well, it must be
because I'm never on one.

Lisa.
Yes, sir?

I've had about all of
this silly prattle I can...

Well, just for that,
I hope that that wheel
will fall off.

Lisa!

I wasn't pointing
on that one.

Ah, good morning,
Mr. Drucker.

Morning, Mr. Douglas.

Can I interest you
in a couple of jars
of pig knuckles?

Uh, no.

89 cents a jar, it comes
to about 12.5 cents a knuckle.

I don't think so.

Thought you might want
to celebrate.

Celebrate what?

Well, it ain't every year
a man makes a profit
of $16.42.

How do you know about that?

You don't keep
big money like that a secret.

No, I suppose not.

You don't seem very happy.

I'm having a few problems
at home, you know?

Yeah, women sure get bored,
don't they?

How do things
get around so fast?

She ever think
of taking up a hobby?

Well, I discussed--

here's something
guaranteed to keep her
fascinated for hours.

A genuine
pocahontas bead loom.

With this, she can string
anything from a headband
to a pair of moccasins.

No, I don't think so.

How about this?

A portable still.

What?

For making her own perfume.

Oh, she's not very, uh...

She like games?
I got a nice assortment here.

How about a cabbage board?

Cabbage?

Uh, scribble?

Scribble?

Monotony?

No, uh, we--
she has all those.

And she's bored?

Look, Mr. Drucker,
all I want is a bolt

for the wheel
of my tractor.

Well, let me check.
They might have this
up on the 5th floor.

Well, I hope so--

5th floor?

Morning, Mr. Douglas.
Mrs. Ziffel.

[Grunting]

Arnold.

Where's Sam?

Oh, he's up on the 5th--

he's, uh, he's looking
for something for me.

Oh.

What are those?

Pig's knuckles.

[Squealing]

Oh, I'm sorry, Arnold.
I--I'm sure it's
nobody you know.

How's Mrs. Douglas?

Well, to tell you the truth,
she's a little bored.

Oh? How long have you
been living here now?

Over a year.

I don't blame her.
I started getting bored
after I'd been here a week.

And I was born here.

If there was only something
she could get interested in,

some committee
the women's club
might use her on, you know.

Oh, we got plenty of those:

The anti-crabgrass committee,

and the committee
against them miniskirts,

and the committee to
investigate the Friday night
poker game.

No, no, none of those
sound like my wife.

Say, Mrs. Douglas
likes animals, don't she?

Yeah, she's crazy about minks
and chinchillas.

I don't mean that, I mean
just plain, ordinary animals,
like Arnold.

[Grunting]

Arnold,
don't be so sensitive.

I was thinking,
if she likes animals,

we could make her chairman
of the human committee.

The human committee?

Yeah, you know,
where you can't kick dogs.

Oh, the humane committee.

Yeah, that's it.
The human humane committee.

We never had one of them.

Yeah, she might be
interested.

But don't tell her
I suggested it.

It'll be our secret,
Mr. Douglas.

Lisa.

Oliver. Oliver,
guess what happened.

I haven't any idea.

I give you a hint.
It has something
to do with animals.

You joined the circus.

No.

Guess again. Animals.

You bought a gorilla?

No!

Guess who was made
the head of the hootersville
human humane committee?

You?

Yes.

That's wonderful.

Do you know what the human
humane committee is?

No.

It's where you can't
kick dogs. That's what it is.

Oh, that sounds fascinating.
Congratulations.

Off!

[Whining]

Wait a minute.

Who are you saying
"off" to?

Mignon. I want to sit down
and read my paper. Off.

[Whining]

Stay right there.
What?

She was there first.

[Barks]

What's that got
to do with it?

According to the laws
of the human humane committee,

animals have the same rights
as other people.

Where did you
get that law?

I made it up. And I'm going
to make up a few more.

It's about time that somebody
stood up for the animals.

A dog is
a man's best friend.

But, it isn't enough
to say it, you got to show it.

Of all the--

how would it look
for the husband of the head
of the human humane committee

to be sitting in a chair

while that poor dog was
lying on the cold floor?

You're right.

It would look ridiculous.

That's a good dog.

[Barks]

[Barking]

Hello there,
Mr. Kiley.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.

You want buy some eggs, huh?

No, thank you.

[Hens clucking]

Everybody says my eggs is
the best in the whole valley.

They're not your eggs.

They're not?

No. They belong
to the chickens.

No, they don't. I just
took 'em away from 'em.

Well, you mustn't do that.

Well, I've been doin' it
for years.

Well, you'll have to stop.

I will?

Yes. It's against the law
of the hootersville
human humane committee.

You see, taking a egg
away from a chicken

is like taking a baby away
from its mother,

except in a shell.

Doggone. I never
thought of it that way.

You just have to put them all
back where you found them,

and I won't report you
to anybody.

Thank you.

That's all right.

Good day.

All right, which one
of you mothers
belongs to this?

[Quacking]

Hello there,
Mr. Trendell.

Shh.

[Quacking]

What song is that?

It's not a song.
It's a duck call

to attract ducks.

Well, that's pretty sneaky,

blowing that thing
so some duck will get
all excited

thinking he's going
to meet a new duck.

Let him think what he wants.

All I want to do is get him
as close as I can,

so I can take a shot at him.

Stay away,
it isn't a real duck!

Mrs. Douglas, please.

I am sorry. As the head of
the human humane committee,

you can't do this anymore.

Well, I have
a hunting license.

Run for your lives,
he's got a gun!

[Squawking]

Oh, no!

You won't need this
anymore.

[Splashing]

Good day, Mr. Trendell.

Oh.
Morning, Mrs. Douglas.

Hello there,
Mr. Drucker.

What were you doing?

I was setting a trap
for that mouse that's been
gettin' into my staples.

Oh, well,
you mustn't do that.

What?

I'm sorry, but as head of
the human humane committee,

I forbid it.

Well, it's only a mouse.

To you, it may be
only a mouse,

but to another mouse,
it might be his father.

Listen, he's eating me out
of house and home.

That's because
he's hungry.

Now, why don't you
give him this,

but not this.

[Snaps]

[Hen clucking]

[Dog whimpering]

Lisa!

Hello, there.

What the...

What the what the?

Lisa.

Isn't that a...

But he might, uh--

he promised he wouldn't.

You can't believe a--a--

[yelling]

Hey, get out!
No, no, get away,
get away.

Stop yelling at him.
He's in a state of shock.

He's in a state of shock?

His entire family
was wiped out
in a calamity last November.

[Grunts]

Lisa, where did you
get all these animals?

Mr. Haney brought them over
when he found out
about my job.

Haney.

How much did he
charge you?

Nothing.

He did it
out of the goodness
of his heart.

Ha!

He loves animals.

Come with me.

Please, get rid of that.
Come on.

There you are.

[Goat bleating]

What's this?

I'm making hotcake stew
for the animals.

And you call
yourself president
of the humane committee?

[Knocking on door]

Howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Haney.

Doggone, Mr. Douglas,
I gotta hand it to you.

It looks to me
like you already have.

You are a kind man.

Sharin' your home
with these needy
little critters.

I am not
sharing my home--

before I forget it,
I've got a little bill here
for you.

A bill?

Damages.

Seems that some of these poor,
underprivileged critters

got into my corn field
and just nibbled it
all to pieces.

The destruction run into
millions of dollars, I'd say.

But seein' as how
I am a human humane lover,

I'll be glad to settle
for $16.42.

$16.42.

That's more than
most farmers make in a year.

Out!

Mr. Douglas--
out!

And take your uncle
with you!

Lisa.

Oliver, do you know
what those cats did
with my hotcake stew?

They buried it
in their sandbox.

[Meowing]

They're smarter
than they look.

Now, Lisa, I want you to get
all these animals out of here.

But, darling--
no buts!

Out!

Oh!

Lisa!

What's the matter?

Where did this
come from?

I don't remember.
It's been such a busy day.

Oh, for the--

Lisa.

Oh, Oliver, get your foot
out of the bird-bath.

Bird bath?

If the birds want
to take a bath,
let them take it outside.

Open the door.
Open the door!

[Exclaims]

(Hank)
Morning, Mrs. Douglas.
Real nice day.

Or it will be as soon
as it stops raining.

Mr. Kimball,
I'm terribly sorry.
Let me get you a towel.

Oh, no, thank you,
Mr. Douglas.

All of us county agents
are required to be drip-dry.

Now, what is it
you want to see me about?

I didn't want to see you.

Then what did you
come over here for?

You came over here.

I did?
Oh, that's right.

I came through a terrible
rain storm. Got all soaked.

You don't happen
to have a towel, do you?

I offered to get you one.

That's the only thing
I don't like about towels.

People are always
offering to get you one,
but they never do.

Anyway, let's get down
to the business at hand.

Well, not "at hand,"

more of "at chest."

Now, if you'll, uh,
just sign this.

Oh, no, no.
I don't sign that.

Oh, sure you can.
This pen writes under water.

I don't sign anything
unless I know what it is.

Well, it's a petition
to do away with your wife.

What?

Oh, I don't mean
get rid of her, bang-bang,

just sort of run her
out of town, quietly.

What for?

Well, everybody's up in arms
over that human humane
committee she runs.

What has she done
specifically?

Well, to start with,

a: Animals.

She's bugging everybody
about the way they treat
their animals.

You know what she did
to newt Kiley?

Put him out
of the egg business.

She won't let him
sell his eggs.

He has a hen sitting
on a pile of eggs this high.

I don't understand.

The poor hen's
a nervous wreck.

She's afraid of heights.

Mr. Kimball--

and you heard what she did
to Ben Miller.

She slapped
an injunction on him.

To prevent him
from spraying his corn,
to get rid of the corn borers.

Claimed he was
committing insecticide.

That's like a homicide,
only with insects.

Oh, for--

there was Roy trendell.

She threw his new $20
16-Gauge shotgun in the lake.

Or was it a $16
20-Gauge shotgun?

Well, whatever it was,

trendell was found
wandering through the woods
in a state of shock.

She didn't say--

and then there was
Sam drucker.

He can't dial a telephone
with this finger.

She snapped a trap on it.

And Fred ziffel--

I've heard enough.

Oh, then sign here.

Look, I know my wife.
Signing a petition
won't do any good.

Well, what will?

I don't know. But I'll think
of something. I've got a house
full of animals.

Oh. Well, don't let me
keep you from your guests.

I'll see you.

Lisa!

(Lisa)
Hi.

Where are you?

In here
with the elephant.

The elephant?

Do you know where you can
get some peanuts?

Um, yeah, there's a whole
bowlful of them

in the saloon
over at crabwell corners.

[Honking]

Lisa!

Now go back in the house
with your friends.

What do you want,
darling?

I want to show you
something.

I bought a present
for Mrs. Ziffel,

and I want
your opinion on it.

[Birds chirping]

You bought this
for Mrs. Ziffel?

Uh-huh. Well, i--i really
bought it for you,

but it occurred to me
that you can't accept it.

Why not?

Do you know
what these are made of?

Minks.

And do you know
what minks are?

They're little animals
that run around.

They run around until
somebody catches them
and goes...

And then they sew them
together in a coat,

and I just knew that the head
of the humane committee
couldn't go walking around

in a coat
made of little animals...

Minks.

Well, that would be true

if I hadn't resigned
as the head of the committee.

When did you do that?

When you said that you were
going to give the coat
to Mrs. Ziffel.

Just a second.

What about the animals
in there?

I am going to find them
good homes.

When?

Tomorrow.

Well, Mrs. Ziffel
is gonna love the coat.

She's gonna have a--
wait a minute.

Well, I don't really have to
find them good homes.

They know where to go
after they lived here.

They wouldn't just
move in anywhere.

All right, everybody out.

Out. Come on, out.

[Goat bleating]

Are they all out?

One more.

Ok, Charlie.

Don't you dare.

Now can I get the coat?

No.

Oliver!
It's not that easy.

Get out the cabbage board.
I'll play you for it.

You mean, if I win
I get the coat?

Yes.

And if I don't win?

You'll probably
get it anyway.

Oh.

(Oliver)
Out!

[Trumpeting]

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.