Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 17 - It's So Peaceful in the Country - full transcript

Oliver's mother needs bed rest so she heads to her son's farm in Hooterville. All she has to do is ignore Alf and Ralph's drilling, Haney's tour group, a crowd of dancing Sioux Indians, and their chief who think's she's a looker.

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Well, let's see if you
have any temperature, eunice.

No, she doesn't have
any temperature.

Lisa, please,
I paid 89 cents
for the thermometer,

I'd like to see
if it works.

Mmm-hmm.
Pulse is good.

So is this one.

Lisa!

What do we do now?

How about
boiling some water?

I don't think
that's her trouble.



No, I'd just like
a cup of tea.

You're trying
to get rid of me.

Yes.

Hmm, no temperature.

I told you.

What's wrong
with me?

Eunice, you're
suffering from
a simple case of exhaustion.

There you see, Lisa.
I told you it wasn't
anything serious.

You didn't have to come
all the way from hooterville
to take care of me.

Oliver was
worried about you.

He's her son.

I know.
I delivered him.

To who?

Eunice, you need
complete rest.

Now, I suggest
you go someplace quiet
and just relax.

How about the riviera?

I could stay with
the Duke and duchess.

You must have rest.

Their parties
always break up early.

No parties.

There isn't any place I know
that doesn't have parties.

How about
coming to hootersville?

There hasn't been one there
since the one they gave for...

Oh, no, they had
to call it off.

They couldn't get
any grape juice.

Lisa, I am not--

it's done wonders for Lisa.
Why don't you try it
for a week or 2?

Oliver would love
to have you.

But, Lisa, I don't--

I'll call him!

Hello, long distance?

Uh, would you give me
hootersville, please?

[Ringing]

They're ringing our pole.
It's on a party line.

[Ringing]

Hello?

Oh. Hello, Oliver.

Lisa?

How are you, darling?

(Man)
I'm fine. Who's this?

Who is this?

Sam drucker!

Hello, Mr. Drucker.

Mr. Drucker,
I'm talking to my wife.

How are you, sweetheart?

Fine, honey,
how are you?

Mrs. Ziffel!

Oh, hello,
Mrs. Ziffel.

Mrs. Douglas,
where are you?

She's in New York.

What's she doing there?

She went
to see my mother.

Oh, how is she?

Please, get off the phone!

But I'm not through
talking yet.

I didn't mean you.

Oliver, mother needs her rest,
so I'm bringing her
to the farm tomorrow.

Oh, that's a good idea.

What is?

Bringing his mother here.

Do you mind
if I talk to my wife?

Hello, Lisa!

Who is this?

It's Oliver.

Oh. Hello, darling.

Oh, is that you, grace?

No, it's my wife.

I didn't know
grace got married.

Mr. Kiley, hang up.

Hello, grace, uh, Lisa!

Oliver, mother wants
to talk to you, darling.

Wait a moment.
There you are.

Hello, son.

Mom!

Kiley, I told you
to hang up.

I'm talking to my mother.

It's my mother!

How do you feel?

Just fair.

What's wrong with you?

Who is this?

Who is that?

Please, I was
talking to my son.
Oliver?

No, mom, my name is newt.
Don't you remember?

Look, all you people
on the party line,

I'm gonna count to 3,
and I want you all
to hang up.

1, 2, 3.

[Clicking thrice]

Hello, mother?
Hello? Hello?

Sarah, I was talking
to my mother.

Will you try
to get her back, please?

The line is busy?

Well, keep trying
and call me when you get her.

Thank you.

Eb?

Yes?

Here, take these blankets
up to your room, will you?

Blankets. Thanks.

Now I won't have to use
those potato sacks anymore.

You don't use--

these are for
Mrs. Douglas and me.

We're giving my mother
our bedroom, so we're
sleeping up in your room.

Where do I sleep?

You've got
a sleeping bag.

Can I use
your car tonight?

No.

Then I ain't sleeping
in my bag.

Eb, look.

I promised Ophelia
I'd take her
to a drive-in movie.

Look--

we'll have to stand through
2 pictures and a short.

Then stay home.

It's triple keno night.
They're giving away
a refrigerator.

I'm sorry, eb,

I need the car to pick up
my wife and my mother.

Well, ok.

Hey, Mr. Douglas, how about
using the tractor?

Take a tractor
to a drive-in movie?

All right. Take it.

Thanks, Mr. Douglas.

We're here safe and sound,
Mrs. Douglas.

Just like I promised.

It's a miracle.

It's good
to see you, mother.

Did you enjoy
your trip?

It was excruciating.

Well, thank you.
We always aim to please.

Where's Lisa?

She rode with
the engineer.

Yeah, Charlie's showing
her how to run the engine.

What is this?

Mrs. Douglas,
that's a brake.

Way up here?
How do you step on it?

You don't step on it.
You pull it.

Ah, that's
very interesting.

You must do an awful lot
of cooking on this train.

You've got
such a big oven.

No, that's a firebox.

Oh.

Lisa! Lisa!

Hello, there.

Lisa, will you--

do you want to hear me
hoots the whistle?

No, no, not that!

There, darling,
now, isn't that better?

Yes, dear,
much better.

You can sleep late
in the morning.

I told the rooster
not to crow.

Well, thank you.

Good night, darling.

Good night, dear.

Uh, if you want us,
we're sleeping
in eb's room, in the barn.

Sleep well.

Thank you.

Oh.

[Tractor backfiring]

Oh, no!

What's that?

Be right back, Ophelia.

Oh, that stupid...

Who's stupid?

Eb!

Oh, he came home early.

Of all the idiotic--

[tractor backfiring]

Oh, you still up, huh?

Look--

glad I didn't wake you.

What do you want?

Can I borrow a dollar?

A dollar?
You woke me up--

50 cents?

Eb, I ought to--

you can't get
much to eat for 2 bits.

Ophelia's got her heart set
on pie and coffee.

All right, all right.

Thanks, Mr. Douglas.

All right, and don't
wake up mother
when you're leaving.

How about that?

What's the matter
with him?

He should know better
than to wake us up
in the middle of the...

[Hammering]

Eb, what are you doing
down there?

(Eb)
Fixing a loose board.

Well, fix it tomorrow.

Ok.

[Thudding]

What's that?

Just putting
the hammer away.

[Phone ringing]

Oliver!

The phone is ringing!

Oliver!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

[Ringing]

Oliver!

Oliver!

Hello? Hello?

Hello!

Sarah?

You're still trying
to get whom in New York?

That's me.

No, I don't want
to speak to him.
He's still asleep.

I'm in hooterville.

Well, just cancel the call.

For heaven's sake.

[Screams]

[Crashing]

Oliver, did you
hear anything?

No, go back to sleep.

Hey, it's off again.

Mr. Douglas must've had
one of those

wild bachelor parties
while his wife--

she's back.

Mmm. She must've been
partying pretty good herself.

Look at all those wrinkles
she's developed.

Yeah, that city living
sure catches up with you.

Why is she wearing
that thing under her chin?

I guess her ice bag
slipped down.

[Thudding]

[Screaming]

Who are you?

Who are you?

I'm Mr. Douglas's mother.

Oh. That's why
you got all those wrinkles.

Would you mind
getting out of here?

We're supposed to work.

Well, work somewhere else!
I need my rest!

Ok, ok.

Now I know where Mr. Douglas
gets his grouchiness from.

Morning, Mr. Douglas.

Howdy doody.

Your mother's here.

Yes, of course,
I know.

She threw us out
of the bedroom.

Said we were making
too much noise.
All I did was...

[Screaming]

Will you take it easy?
My mother needs the rest.

(Eunice)
Oliver, is that you?

Yeah, he'll be
right there, mom.

Get to work.

Good morning, mother.
How did you sleep?

Oh, terrible, Oliver.

First, that tractor
woke me up.

And then I fell off
the telephone pole.

The teleph--

were you walking
in your sleep?

No, I don't...

Well, anyway, when I finally
dozed off again,

those two
horrible men came in.

Those aren't men.

Oh, no, no, one of them is.
But, you see,
his brother is...

That is...

Look, i--I'm sorry
you didn't sleep well.

But just relax, now.
You can sleep all day.

Nothing is
going to disturb you.

Thank you.

[Drilling]

Oliver!

I'll take care of it.

Hey, what are you--
turn that off!

What he say?

He wants you
to turn it off!

What for?

What do you want him
to turn it off for?

Now no more drilling!

You mean, you expect me
to sleep up there?

It will be nice
and quiet, mother.

Oh, well.

Good night, mother.

Oh, dear.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

[Crowing]

[Drums beating]

[Men chanting]

Who left
the television set on?

Oh!

Will you please
turn off that--

[whoo hooo]

[Screams]

[Drums continue beating]

Oliver!
Oliver, wake up.

We're been attached
by Indians.

Indians?
Oh, that's ridiculous.

There aren't any Indians
in this part of the--

oh, yes, there are!

What are you
going to do?

See what
they're doing here.

Be careful. I've seen
those Indians on television.

And they might hit you
with a homatawk.

A tomahawk.

Whatever it is, it hurts.

Wait a minute.
What's--what's going on here?

Will you stop
this silly--

[eunice screaming]

What's that?

Homololopa.

[Screaming]

Hey, what
do you think you're--

come down out of there.

What are you
doing here, anyway?

Me yellow horse,
who you?

Me Douglas.
I mean, me ol-- uh...

I'm Mr. Douglas.
I own this farm.

You no own.
Belong haney.

I bought it
from Mr. Haney.

[Speaking native language]

[All laughing]

Now, wait a minute here.

You wait.

Me chief yellow horse.

This land ancient
sioux ceremonial ground.

We camp here each year.

We dance bear dance.

Bring bears.

There are no bears
around here.

We dance, we wait.

You'll see.

Well, you can't
dance around here.
This is my land.

Hello, there.

Howdy.

They're friendly.

Would you like
to stay for dinner?

Yes.

Oh, we've got to be
friendly, too.

I'm not about--

uh, look, I want you
off my land.

How you like
hit with homatawk?

Tomahawk.

You Indian?

No.

Then don't tell us.

Oliver, have
those savages-- oh!

Oh, it's all right, mother.
They're friendly.

Who her?
Who who?

Her.
Her him mother.

Her speak good Indian.

Me learn
from television.

Lisa. Uh,

my mother
doesn't feel very well.

Would you mind
folding up your teepees
and silently stealing away?

We stay.

Have treaty
with haney.

Each year, we come,
we dance, we go.

Now we return
to dance.

[Speaking native language]

(Eunice)
Oliver?

Don't worry, mother.
It's all right.

Me go make you
hotcake for breakfast.

Fine.

I need those like I need
a homatawk in my head.

[Indians chanting]

Ah, morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Mr. Kimball.

Well, I sioux the see
are here again.

I'll make that, uh,

I see the sioux
are here again.

Yes, that has
a better ring to it.
Well, not a ring.

Mr. Kimball, do you know
anything about these Indians?

Well, let's see.

Uh, they came to this country
about 1492.

No, that was Columbus.

I guess they came over
in the boat
just in front of him.

I don't care
when they came.

I want to know
what they're doing here now.

Well, they're dancing.

I know that.

They claim they got
some kind of a treaty
with Mr. Haney.

Well, I wouldn't call it
exactly a treaty.

It's more like
a 99 year lease.

99 year lease?

You might say, the Indians
have a reservation.

There must be some way
we can get rid of them.

Oh, well, that's simple.
Just call John Wayne.

Oh, I've seen him do it
a lot of times.

Guy gets a sword,
and he yells "charge"
and the cavalry--

thank you, Mr. Kimball,
you've been a great help.

Oh, anytime.

Well, not anytime.
I'd call first.

Sometimes
I have appointments.

Like this afternoon.
At 4:00 I have to see...

No, I saw him Tuesday.
Or was it, uh...

Well, it doesn't matter.
I lost my appointment book.

Well, happy bear dance!

Oh, hello, there,
Mr. Horse.

What your name?

Lisa.

Hmm. Me give you
Indian name.

Lotomatoho.

That's very pretty.

Means:
"Squaw with golden hair,

but married to sourpuss."

My husband
isn't always a sourpuss,

only when Indians
dance on him.

We got treaty.

Where is old squaw?

You mean, mother?

You think she like
to do bear dance with me?

I'm sure she would,
but--but she isn't
feeling very well.

She sick?

Yes.
Hmm.

Me send my doctor.

[Chanting]

[Coughs]

[Yells]

[Screams]

What's going on here?

Him my doctor.
Make squaw better.

Chase away
all evil spirit.

She's got her own doctor.
Now, get out!

$2 for house call.

Get out!

[Crying]
Oh, Oliver!
Get me out of here.

Take me back
to the city.

Yes, I'll get rid
of the Indians
and nothing will bother you.

Now, folks, if you'll
just follow me,

the tour will start
right here.

Good afternoon, ma'am.

Now, folks, underneath
this very bedroom

was the original
ceremonial ground

where the first bear dance
was performed in i490.

[Exclaims]

This way, please.
Thank you, ma'am,
for your hospitality.

Now, this room was used
by the sou-ex Indians

to make their pottery,

which can be purchased
at the conclusion of the tour.

Mr. Haney!

Folks, I want you
to meet Mr. Douglas
who has kindly

given me permission
to conduct
this educational tour.

Permission!

This way, folks.

In the kitchen,
you will see

a copy of
the original stove

used by the sou-ex
to cook their bear.

That does it.
Those Indians are leaving.

You want Indians leave?

That's what I said.

Have proposition.

Proposition?

We leave.

But old squaw
goes with me.

Why, that's
my mother!

No expect
for nothing.

Give you 2 goats
and pig for her.

What?

Ok. Make it
3 goats and pig.

That's out of the question.
She's not for sale.

Then how about
young squaw?

Give you 4 pigs
and horse.

I'd be cheating you.

She only cost me
2 chickens and a sheep.

Well, me rather have
old squaw.

Give you 4 goats
and 2 pigs.

Final offer.

Forget it.

Then we don't leave.

Well, I'll ask her.

Mother, I'm so glad
to see you up.

These hotcakes
will give you strength.

Why did I ever let you
talk me into coming here?

Mother,

I want
to talk to you.

What about?

How would you like to be
Mrs. Yellow horse?

What?

Eunice yellow horse.
It has a nice ring to it.

Oh, you're up
to your father's old habits.

Drinking before noon.

Now, wait a second.
It's a good deal.

He's willing to give me
4 goats and 2 pigs.

4 goats and 2--

well, it's the best offer
I've had for you yet.

I'm not going
to sell mother.

Well, then you're
not going to get rid
of the Indians.

I'll get rid
of the Indians.

Mother, look after
the hotcakes.

What are you
going to do?

Oliver, could you
help me with this?

[Exclaims]

We got deal?

Well, we haven't
finished discussing it yet.

Hmm, old squaw
good cook, huh?

Stop calling me
old squaw.

Chief yellow horse.
Big eater. Like good food.

Wife must be good cook.

[Sniffing]

What those?

Hotcakes.

Huh?

You've never had
a hotcake before?

No.

Well, give him one,
mother.

Ah.

Try it.

Mrs. Douglas makes those
3 times a day.

Breakfast,
lunch, and dinner.

3 times?

Well, that's all
she knows how to cook.

Now, about the deal--

no deal.

Old squaw, good looker,
but rotten cooker.

Me better find
medicine man.

[Laughing]

Oh, thank you, Oliver,
for saving me.

Don't thank me,
thank Lisa.

You know, I always thought
her hotcakes weren't
good for anything.

Oliver, Oliver, I can't find
Mr. Yellow horse.

Oh, uh, he left.

Well, that's too bad.

I wanted to tell him
that his dance is working.

What?

Look.

Oliver, Oliver,
get your gun.

Uh, no,
we won't need it.

Good luck, smokey.

Humph!

[Growling]

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.