Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 14 - Never Trust a Little Old Lady - full transcript

It's tomato planting season and Oliver needs useful weather information. Hooterville relies on WPIXL-TV's Mildred, a little old lady who prances out of her dollhouse, or Walter, the singing weatherman. Both are always wrong so Oliver contacts the Weather Bureau which predicts warm days and nights. The plants are in the ground when Hooterville suffers the coldest night of the year. Lisa's Crepe Suzettes save the crop from the cold.

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

(Reporter on t.V.)
...And even though
Dan Andrews claimed

that the men
in the spacecraft

waved at him as
they flew over his car,

the sheriff arrested him
on a plain drunk charge.

W.p.i.x.l. T.V.
Farm weather report

is next.

We take you now down
to our weather station,
high atop beully's car wash,

in the heart of
downtown pixley.

Now as you can see
our weather station shows

that the little old lady
has come out of her house
with her umbrella,



which forecasts heavy rain
in the next 24 hours.

The opinions expressed
by the little old lady
are hers

and do not necessarily
reflect the views
of this station.

I don't believe it.

♪[Music playing]

And now back to our
early morning movie,

featuring fay wray in
that spine-chilling feature--

who was that
nice little old lady

standing outside her door
with the umbrella?

She's the weather report.

The most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard of.

Who lives in the other door?

I don't know.
Some little old man.

When the little old lady
doesn't come out,
he comes out.

Don't they ever
come out together?

Only in case of a tidal wave.

It's impossible.

I tune in to get the
weather report, to find out
if I can plant my tomatoes,

and they shove
a little old lady
out of a house

under an umbrella,
and tell you
it's gonna rain.

They used to do that
in the old country,
but with the gypsies.

Lisa.

They would shove out
the gypsy queen
in a bathing suit

and if she turned blue,
you knew it was cold.

Oh, boy!

One year she turned green.

That was the year
when the locusts came

and ate big holes
in the tambourines.

Lisa, I've got
enough trouble.

If I'm going to plant
some tomatoes,

I've got to find out
what the weather's gonna be
for the next couple of weeks.

Well--well, I think you could
trust the little old lady.

She looked
pretty honest to me.

But I didn't see
the little old man
who lives next door.

Lisa, would you
do me a favor?

What?

Tune the set on
to fay wray again, will you?

I want to see
how she's making out
with king Kong.

I saw it.
She gets away from him.

Well, watch it again
and make sure.
I'm worried about her.

Oh, you're such a nice man.

With all your troubles,
you still worry
about fay wray.

These the
longest oars
you got, Sam?

They're the only ones
I got, newt.

You sure this
slicker's waterproof?

Got a waterproof label,
ain't it, Fred?

I don't care nothin'
about the label
being waterproof.

What about
the slicker?

It'll shed water
like a duck.

I'm going to need
a pair of oarlocks, too.

I'm all out.

Well, good morning,
gentlemen.

Mornin', Mr. Douglas.

Slickers are right here,
the life preservers
are on the wall,

and the sandbags
are in the back.

What?

Sam's all out of oarlocks.

I don't want any oar--

you better get
plenty of canned goods
and put up on your roof.

You never know how long
you're gonna be up there,
before the helicopter comes.

What are you fellows
talking about?

Uh, Mildred.

You want the slicker
or don't you?

Well, i--

who's Mildred?

The lady on
the weather report.

Oh!

You mean that stupid
little old lady
with the umbrella on t.V.?

Mr. Douglas,

ain't you got no respect
for motherhood?

You better get yourself
some foul weather gear,
Mr. Douglas.

Yeah, when Mildred comes out
with the umbrella,

you better
run for high ground.

You can't be serious.

Well, Mildred's
never been wrong yet.

Uh, Mr. Drucker,
I came to see about those
tomato plants I ordered.

Oh, yeah, I got
the bill of ladin' right here.

They're on a train
up in pixley.

Uh-huh, when will
they be here?

Soon as they get
the bridge fixed.

Is the bridge out?

No, but it will be.

Mildred's forecastin'
a real beaut this time.

There's no rain in sight.

Uh, what about
my tomato plants?

They'll be much safer
up in pixley.

Yeah,

no sense in plantin' them
and then watchin' them
float downstream.

Gentlemen,
look out the window.

See how bright
the sun is?

There's not a cloud
in the sky.

That's the way it looked
just before
the johnstown flood.

I give up.

Then there was
the big monkey on top of
the empire state building,

with fay wray in one hand,
and hanging on
with the other, and--

what are you
talking about?

You told me to watch
and see what happened
to fay wray.

She was all right.

Oh, good. Eb!

After the movies, I saw
the little old lady again.

This time she had
a raincoat on
with her umbrella.

Ah, fine, fine. Eb!

What are you
made up for?

The drought.

What is a drought?

Dry weather.

But the little old lady
said that--

will you forget
the little old lady?

Yeah, she ain't reliable.

I take all my weather
from Walter.

Walter?

W.t.b.z.f.'s
singing weatherman.

The singing--

you should have heard him
this morning, singing up
a storm for a drought.

How'd that go again?

Oh, yeah.

♪ The little old lady
may have come out ♪

♪ but Walter's takin' odds
on a big long drought ♪

That's very pretty.

Yeah, he writes
all his own lyrics.

He's kind of the Irving Berlin
of the weathermen.

Eb, we've gotta go
to pixley to pick up
the tomato plants.

Now take that
stupid outfit off.

Pixley's a pretty big town.

I oughta wear somethin'.

That is right.

He might get arrested
for undecent explosion.

If he does,
I'll bail him out.

You won't have to bail.

Walter says
there won't be no water.

Get dressed!
Yes, sir.

Have you got
my tomato plants
aboard?

Yes, sir, they're in
the baggage car.

When are you getting them
into hooterville?

Right after
the storm.

There ain't gonna
be no storm.

Mildred said
it's gonna rain.

Walter said
it's gonna drought.

I don't care
what Walter said,

I'm not riskin' the train
on a washed-out bridge, see?

The only thing that's
gonna wash out a bridge
is a sandstorm.

Wait, wait, wait,
fellows, fellows,

all I want is to get
my tomatoes planted.

You can't plant your tomatoes
in a cloudburst.

It isn't gonna rain.

Good for you, Mr. Douglas,
you're a Walter man.

Uh, no, I'm not--

you see, Charley,
he's finally showin'
a little sense.

Very little.

Anybody that goes for
a Walter prediction
is a birdbrain.

I don't go for
a Walter prediction.

I just want my tomato plants.

I'll get 'em for you.
Hold it!

Charley, let him--

Mr. Douglas,

we're doin' this
for your own good.

Your tomato plants
will be nice and dry
inside the coach.

The heat in there
will wither 'em.

Are you gonna take
my tomato plants
to hooterville?

No, sir.

If I get a truck,

will you help eb
load 'em?

No, sir.

I ain't gonna get
no sunstroke.

Will you?

No, sir, I can't swim.

All right,

eb and I will
load them ourselves.

Eb!

Huh, Walter!

Mildred!

I think I felt a raindrop.

Oh, that's
sunburn lotion.

Floyd smoot,
you're a stubborn fool.

And that goes
double for me!

Howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Mr. Haney.

I'm pretty busy today.

Oh, don't let me bother you.

What you doin'?

Well, what does it
look like I'm doing?

Well, it looks like
you're prospectin' for ants,

but that's wrong,
ain't it?

I'm plantin'.

Plantin'?

Mr. Douglas,
this is your lucky day.

That remains to Bo seen.

This is just what you need.

The 8th wonder
of the world,

the haney automatic
soybean planter.

Well, it so happens,

that I'm planting tomatoes.

Tomatoes?

Mr. Douglas, you've just had
another lucky day.

There it is,
the 9th wonder of the world,

the haney automatic
tomato planter.

The, uh, 9th wonder
of the world looks exactly
like the 8th.

Uh, to the naked eye, yes.

But there is
a marked difference.

Like what?

One is for tomatoes,
and the other's for soybeans.

I'm not, uh--

Mr. Douglas,

you are looking at the answer
to every farmer's prayer.

A mechanized wetback.

Not interested.

Then I'll be glad to explain
to you just how it works.

I don't--

you'll notice that
the front of the machine

has an automatic hole digger,

which operates on
the same theory
as a dentist's drill.

It drills a hole exactly
two and seven eighths
inches deep.

Which is the ideal depth

recommended by tomato planters
all over the world.

Uh, Mr. Haney--

once the hole is dug,
the drill automatically
trips a lever

that releases the tomato plant
to slip through this chute

and down into the already dug
two and seven eighths
inches hole.

Now you've got to admit

that this machine
is a mechanical marvel.

I'm sure it is.

Then I can count on you
for financial backin'
to build one?

Build one?

Well, how else are
we gonna know
if it only works on the shade?

You mean, uh, all you've got
is a drawing?

Well, all Edison had
was a light bulb,

and a feelin' he ought to have
somethin' to plug it into.

How much can
I put you down for?

Nothing.

You mean you're gonna
continue plantin'
the old-fashioned way,

on your hands and knees?

That's right.

How about a pair of
foam rubber kneepads?

No, thanks.

A bottle of liniment
for your sure-to-be-sore back?

No.

How about some
weather insurance?

No, i--

weather insurance?

You almost answered
too quick there.

What do you mean
weather insurance?

You can insure your crops
against any and all kinds
of weather.

Oh, now, i--i might be
interested in that.

How much is it?

Well, uh, would you be
wanting one doll or 2?

A doll?

Genuine west indies
voodoo doll.

The perfect weather insurance.

And this is
the Mildred hexer,

and this is
the Walter jinxer.

Just a few pins
in the right places

and you can put
the weather wherever
you want it.

Do you happen to have
a haney hexer?

No, I don't believe I do.

Oh. That's too bad.

Then, I'll have to start
sticking the pins
in you personally.

I'm on my way.

(Oliver)
Aren't they beautiful?

(Lisa)
Yes, but, uh,

where are the tomatoes?

Well, they're not grown yet.
I just planted 'em.

Oh, the tomatoes grow
right on top of the plants?

No, no, uh, first the plants
have to grow into the vines.

Oh, the tomato vines?

Yeah.

But I always thought that
all vines come from grapes.

What?

They have red vines

and white vines--

you mean wine.

Wines is what
they grow on,

like your tomatoes are
going to grow on wines.

Please, Lisa. I'd like
to get into a hot tub

and into bed.
I'm pretty tired.

There's going to be
a full moon tonight.

Yeah.

That goes to show how much
that little old lady knows,
and that Walter.

Ain't Mr. Douglas
gonna have supper?

No. He went to bed
without it. He was tired.

You ought to give him
some of that dessert you made.

That'll put a little life
into him.

Yes, maybe it would.

Oliver. Oliver.

Huh, what?

I'm glad you're awake.

Huh?

I brought you dessert.

[Sighs]

I don't want any dessert.

But it's a surprise.

Do you-- do you
have a match?

Now what do you
need a match for?

Oh, here is one.

What's that?

Crepe suzette.

Crepe suzette?

I took a hotcake
and I lit it.

Lisa, put it out.
You want to burn
the house down?

But you always
used to like
French cooking.

I'd like to get some sleep.
I'm tired.

Oliver.

What?

Would you mind
if I watch television?

No.

But keep the sound down.

All right.

(Reporter on t.V.)
As you can see,

the little old lady
has gone back into her house.

The little old man has
come out

of his house to look
for the little old lady

to tell her to put away
her umbrella.

It's not going to rain.

Now there's
fair weather ahead!

And we remind you,

the opinions expressed
by the little old man
and the little old lady

are opinions of their own,

and do not necessarily
reflect the views
of this station.

Turn that thing off.

♪[Music playing]

Darling,

did you hear what they said
about the little old man?

It's going to be fair.
There's going to be no rain.

I don't need him
to tell me that.

That's what I have
been saying all day.

Do you want me
to turn on the radio

and see what Walter
is singing about?

Just let me sleep.

Oliver!

One of these days
you're going to be
a little man

and you'll come out
of your own house

and nobody's going
to look at you
because you're such a grouch.

And that will be
the happiest day
of my life!

♪[Music playing]

Hello, there.
Hello.

So you're the fellow
who lives next door.

Yes.

Are you a bachelor?

Yes.

So am I.

Only a girl.

Yeah,
I noticed that.

How come I've never
seen you before?

Well, we're not
supposed to be
out here together.

Are you a fink for
the weather bureau?

No, I'm not!

Any connection with
beully's car wash?

No.

Are you related
to fay wray?

I think you better
go back in the house.

I can't.
It's going to rain.

No, it's going to be
clear and cold,
that's why I'm out here.

Well, then I guess
I'd better go in.

Where do you think
you're going?

It's getting
chilly out here,
I thought--

you're not going to give me
that stale line about
checking my barometer?

No, it's, uh,
just that it's cold.

It's going to
get a lot colder.

Bye.

It's cold.

It's cold!

It's cold!

It's cold.

[Muttering]

Lisa, you've got
all the blanket.

Oh, it's freezing.

So am I.

Freezing?

There's frost
all over the ground.

My tomato plants!

Come on, hurry up!

(Eb)
I'm comin', I'm comin'.

What's the matter?

There's frost.

There can't be,
Walter the weatherman
didn't sing up a frost.

I don't care what
Walter the weatherman
sang up.

The temperature's dropped,
the little plants
are gonna freeze,

I'll lose my whole crop.
Come on.

What are we gonna do?

We'll pull them
out of the ground,
and back in the flats,

and get them in
where it's warm. Hurry up.

Darling, did you
get them all?

Yes.

Are they all frozen?

Not half as
much as me.

Hey, don't stand
in front of the fire.

But I'm freezin'.

Chop some more wood.

Do you realize
I'm on triple overtime.

Will you
chop the wood?

That's what you get
for depending on a couple
of senile characters,

in a Swiss chalet,
for your weather.

Well, they're entitled
to goof.

Not with my tomatoes,
they aren't.

Well, they're all right.
You can plant them tomorrow,

if it doesn't rain.

I don't plant them
until I get an accurate
weather report.

Now, come on to bed.

[Crowing]

Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

Kimball, what's the matter?

Mr. Douglas,
I hate to say this.

Well, I don't
hate to say it.

I have to say it.

Say what?

Ok. What?

There, I said it.

Now you know the worst.

No, not the worst.

The worst is,

somebody sneaked
into your field
in the middle of the night

and stole all
your tomato plants.

Mr. Kimball--

there's nothing there
but 600 holes

and a bunch of
disappointed weeds.

Come on in.

Oh, you got your
tomato plants back.

Who had them.
I did.

Then why did you
report them stolen?

I didn't. I brought
them in last night
because of the frost.

I don't think that was
a very smart move.

Well, what would
you have done?

About what?

The sudden cold snap.

Oh, I would have gotten
another blanket.

Tomato plants are
not as smart as you.

Tomatoes are the dumbest
of all plants.

You know, their I.Q.
Is hardly above
what a 6-year-old child's is.

Then I'm glad
I brought them in.

Well, you never should have
planted them, knowing there
was gonna be a cold snap.

How am I supposed
to know that?

The nut on television
is predicting rain.

The numbskull on the radio
is singing a song
about the drought.

Isn't there anybody
around here

who can give me
accurate weather information?

Of course.

If you want fast, accurate,
up-to-the-minute
weather information,

just pick up the phone
and call me.

I'll give you the latest
scientific forecast.

You have a weather station?

No, an almanac.

You go by--

Richard poor's.

Founded and written
by Franklin Benjamin.

I've found the almanac
to be almost infallible.

Well, not almost,

and not infallible.

It's usually right
some of the time.

Now here's what it says
for last night.

"Salads are made,
salads are tossed.

Don't plant tomatoes
because of the frost."

The almanac predicted
a frost like that?

What's it say about today?

"Today's the day
for hunting grouse,

so get your tomatoes
out of the house."

Well, I guess you know
what to do now.

Yes, I do.

But there's a law
against it.

Well, I guess
I better be going.

Yeah, you'd better.

Oh, if I see the sheriff,

I'll tell him
to keep an eye out
for your tomato plants.

Oliver, Oliver.
I just saw t.V.,

and guess what's going on
high atop of
beully's car wash?

The little old man
came out wearing
earmuffs and schnowshoes,

and the little old lady
was in her house
fixing hot cocoa.

Which means it's going to be
a big schnowstorm.

I see. Now yesterday,
they predicted rain,
we had a frost.

Today, they're--
(Eb)
Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas,

I just heard
Walter the weatherman.

The drought's over.

Good.

But there's
a hailstorm on its way.

I see. Now, we've got
snow predicted, and hail.

So based on
yesterday's prediction
of rain and/or drought,

it's safe to say
that today should be
fair and warmer.

Get the tomato plants
back in the ground.

Here you are, darling.
Not one at a time.

I'm sorry, newt,
I can't exchange those oars
for snowshoes.

How about this slicker?

Can I turn it in
for a mackinaw?

Nope.

(Newt)
But Mildred said--

how are you, gentlemen?

Oh, Mr. Douglas.

Would you like to
buy a pair of oars?

No, thanks.

How about a guaranteed
waterproof slicker?

All I want is some stakes
for my tomato plants.

You ain't gonna
plant them again?

We've already started.

But it's gonna
snow tonight.

Or hail.

Not according
to my information.

I called the United States
weather bureau in Washington.

And I got the latest
weather report
for this region.

The long-range prediction is

warm weather from now on.

It is?

Well, I guess,
they ought to know.

They've got
all them big buildings
in Washington.

I'm goin' home right now
and start plantin'.

Me, too.

Now you're making sense.

Mmm, let's hope
you are.

[Knocking on door]

What's that?
I don't know.

Mr. Douglas. Open up.

Mr. Ziffel!

I wonder what's wrong?

Oh! It's chilly.

Douglas!

What's the matter?

Can we come inside
and talk?

We're freezin'.

You're freezing?

Yeah, come on in.

Mr. Douglas,

we're in big trouble.

Yeah, especially you.

The thermometer's
d-d-down to 30.

And still fallin'.

We've been
p-plantin' all day
on your say-so.

It wasn't my say-so,
it was the United States
weather bureau--

oh, my--my poor tomato plants!

What are we gonna do?

Hello, there.

Evenin', ma'am.

Darling, what's going on?

There's another frost.

Our--our crops
are going to freeze.

Why don't you use
one of those things Bob hope
always makes jokes about?

Smudge pots?

No, we ain't got
no smudge pots.

If you fellows are cold,
I'll make you something
warm to eat.

No, they don't
want an--

oh, yes. They do!

Gentlemen,
our crops are saved!

Darling.

Darling, here is
another batch.

Yeah, but it ain't
coming out even.

We got more suzettes
than we have pots.

Well, then,
throw them on the ground
and light 'em.

Yes, sir.

Oh, darling,

Mr. Ziffel came back
for another batch,
but Mr. Kiley didn't.

Ah, well, I don't think
he'll be back tonight.

Why not?
He ate one.

Oliver, that is no way
to talk to a woman
who just saved your crops.

Yes, you did.

And in years to come,
on cold nights when the
frost is covering the ground,

people are sitting
around their fireplaces,

they'll tell the story
of Lisa Douglas,

the woman
who single-handedly gave
the whole valley heartburn.

Humph.

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.