Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 1 - Wings Over Hooterville - full transcript

When the dreaded bing bug threatens all the crops in Hooterville, Oliver tries to rally the people to rid the town of the menace. He is then volunteered to be the one to fly the crop duster over the fields due to his experience as a pilot in World War II. It also gives him and Lisa a chance to reminisce about the first time they met after he was shot down during a mission.

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Lisa.

Lisa, if you go to
drucker's, you'd better
get dressed, bec...

Martinis for breakfast?

No, this is coffee.

What are you
shaking it for?

So that the water will
run down from the top part
to the bottom part.

No, that's not the way.
What you do is
you--you put the water

in the bottom,
and the coffee in the top--

and then
you shake it.

No, you don't shake it.



What have you got
against shaking?

Nothing. What you...

How is it?

Fine.

We got any
instant coffee?

In the cupboard.

Where are the cups?

In the oven.

What are those?

Cupcakes.

Cupcakes?
Cake in a cup.

That's not
the way you--

well, they're not
original, genuine cupcakes.

But you didn't
like my hotcakes,

so instead of pouring
the batter on the girdle,

I poured them in
a cup and made cakes.

So you wouldn't
know the difference.

Unless I made
the mistake of eating one.

That hurt.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Try one.

I'm not that sorry.

Come on, try one.

[Exclaims]

Your serve.

Oliver!

Where are you going?

You get dressed
and you call me.

I'll be out in
the cornfield with eb.

You haven't had much
scaring to do this season,
have you, Carl?

Very few crows would
bother this stuff.

What do
you mean?

Well, I mean
no self-respecting
crow would...

Oh, it's you,
Mr. Douglas.

I thought
it was Carl.

What were you saying
about my corn?

Well, i--

nothing wrong
with this.

There.

I'm gonna enter this
in the corn festival.

That ought to get
a big laugh.

Eb, this may be
funny to you.

It is not
funny to me.

This is why
i left New York.

To grow small corn?

To become a farmer.

That's why
i left New York.

To get away from
the rat race of the city.

To plant seeds.

To watch the tiny stalks
push their little green heads

up through the brown earth,

reaching upwards,

spreading their leaves
toward the sun,

their branches
toward the sky.

[Cawing]

No, no, g-get away,
get away, get away, get away.
Get away.

Your speeches draw more crows
than the corn does.

I'm gonna get--

(Lisa)
Oliver, I'm ready.
Come on, dear.

I'll be
right there.

Where are you going?

Uh, to drucker's.

Can I go with you?
No, no. No, no.

You gotta stay here
and keep an eye
on this corn.

I don't want
anything to happen to it.

Nothing's gonna
happen to it.

I'll guard it
with my very life. I'll--

[chomping]

What are you
eating, Carl?

[Chomping continues]

What's that?

[Chomping]

Holy smoke!

Golly!

Mr. Douglas!

(Eb)
Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

(Sam)
How many veterans is marching
in the parade this year?

There ain't gonna be
no veterans parade

because we ain't got no
grand marshal to lead it.

You're supposed
to lead it.

Not me.

I ain't walking no 16 miles
to crabwell corners.

Why, I didn't walk
that far during the war.

Well, well, then
newt can lead it.

I led it
last year.

You did not.
I did.

Ask grandpappy.

Grandpappy.

Grandpappy!

Eh?

Who led
the parade last year?

I guess so.

You guess what?

That's all right.

[Grandpappy snoring]

Ain't there nobody
in our veteran's group

who ain't grand-marshaled
the parade?

Nope.

Guess we'll
have to call
the parade off.

Oh-oh-oh, unless we can
find some veteran

who ain't a member
of our group.

Yeah.

Like who?

Good morning,
gentlemen.

[Exclaims]

Are you
a war veteran?

Well,
yes, I am.

Raise your
right hand.

What should I raise
my right hand for?

You solemnly swear
to uphold our by--

howdy, honey.

Good morning,
grandpappy darling.

Oh, it's so nice
to see you.

You always make
my blood
start to circulate.

[Snoring]

(Oliver)
Uh, drucker, i--

keep your
hand raised.

Oh, what for?
What should I, uh--

take off
your hat.

Do you solemnly swear
to uphold our constitution
and our bylaws?

Well, i
don't know--

congratulations,
Mr. Douglas.

You're now a member
of hooterville's
outstanding veteran group,

the 4 fs.

The 4 fs?

The former fighters
of foreign fracases.

Fighters of--
you can put your hand down.

Here's your hat.

Will you stop that?

What is a "fracases"?

Oh, it's, uh--

just for the record,
Mr. Douglas,

uh, what war are
you a veteran of?

The 2nd world war.

Well, now, I guess
we can accept that.

What do you
mean you--

[stammering]
Can you
twirl a Baton?

Can I twirl
a Baton?

The grand marshal
always twirls in
the corn festival parade.

Dah, I don't know
anything about marching.

I was a flyer.

You didn't know anything
about flying, either.

I was a very
good flyer--

he was shot down.

No, no, I wasn't
shot down.

My motor
conked out.

Well, whether you
were conked or shot,

either case,
I'm very glad.

Otherwise, I would've
never met you.

Oh, you met him
during the war?

Yes, you see,
Mr. Douglas
was a flyer--

now, Lisa, they're not
interested in how we met.

Yes, we are.

Well, you see,
Mr. Douglas was a flyer--

Lisa!

He was flying over
enemy territory when
they conked him.

[Engine sputtering]

Charlie one to uncle Henry.
Come in, uncle Henry.

This is uncle Henry.

Go ahead, Charlie one.

My engine conked out.
I'm hitting the silk.

Happy landing, old boy.

I say, if you do get
picked up by the krauts,

demand to be
taken to stalag 13.

(Oliver)
13?

Yes, ask for
a chap named hogan.

Hogan. I'll remember.

Charlie one, over and out.

(Oliver)
Help, help!

Help!

[Speaking Hungarian]

(Oliver)
Help!

[In english]
Why don't you talk English?

Then we don't
have to use subtitles.

The way you talk English,
we still might.

Where is
the para-shoostiss?

That one could
use subtitle.

You're going to
get it. That's no way
to talk to a sergeant.

I think he came
down over there.

Help!

Help, help!

Du bist ein deutsches girl?

What he say?

I don't know.
He didn't have
any subtitles.

Oh, you speak English?

Yes. What
did you speak?

German.

Shoot him.

No, no, hold it, hold it.

I thought you were Nazis.

We are with
the Hungarian's underground.

Oh, good.
Uh, well, cut me down.

Not so fast.

Who are you with?

The United States air force.

Where is your aeroplane?

I jumped out.

You didn't like it?

The motor conked out.

What do you think?

Let's play safe
and shoot him.

No, no. Hold it, hold it.
I'm an American.

Can you prove it?

How?

Have you got
any nylon stockings?

No.
Shoot him.

No, no, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

All American soldiers
have nylon stockings.

If I'd known I was
gonna bail out, I'd have
brought a pair with me.

Do you have a chocolate bar?
No.

Any soap?
No.

Any last words?

Look, I'm an American.
Cut me down, I'll show
you my identification.

What do you think?

I think
i hear a tank.

It's a German tank.
Cut me down.

Later, I got
to go to work.

What kind of work
do you do?

I told you I was
in the underground.

The, uh, part
that's aboveground
isn't bad, either.

He's pretty fresh.
He must be an American.

Hang around
for a while.

Oh, you no good...

Was ist denn das,
Fritz?

Ist das nicht
ein booby trap?

Nein, das ist
kein booby trap.

Well, I'll be...

And now, what
were you saying?

You blew up that tank.

Yep.

That's the 6th one
we got today.

Oh, thanks.

Yesterday, we blew up 12.
I was wearing a bikini.

But it's too cold today.

[Groaning]

[Panting]

Thank you,
thank you.

Now,

would you help me
get back to my base?

Wouldn't you like
to stick around for a while,

and go into
the tank blowing up
business with me?

No. I've got
to get back
to my base.

Well, that's
all right.

We'll have plenty of time
together after the war,
when we are married.

Yes, as soon as i--

married?

You fell out of the sky
and I found you.

And we shall live happily
ever after, according to
the Hungarian fairytale.

Uh-huh. Do you have
someplace you could hide me?

Yes, over there
in our farmhouse.

You live on a farm?

No, I live in a big
house in Budapest.

All my life, I wanted
to live on a farm.

To get away from
the rat race of the city.

To plant seeds.

To watch the little stalks
push their tiny green heads

up through the brown earth,

reaching upward,

to be bathed by the rain
and warmed by the sun

till they grow strong.

Spreading their leaves
toward the sun,

their branches
toward the sky.

Shoot him.

What for?

These are
the kind of speeches

which are going to get
us in a lot of trouble
after we are married.

You'll want me to move
out of the penthouse,

and live on a farm.

Married?

What makes you think
we're gonna get--
i just met you.

I've only known you long
enough to blow up one tank.

That's not enough--
that--that--

hey, you're pretty.

And your, uh,
figure is--

I don't think you're
really an American.

Why not?

You spend more time
talking than smooching.

And as we stood there
in the forest
with the guns booming--

[explosions]

Golly, Mrs. Douglas,
you sure know
how to tell a story.

I can almost hear those guns.

That's my tractor.

Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas.
What's the matter, eb?

Well, promise not to cry?

What's the matter?

This.

Something's eating
your corn plants.

What?

After you left,
i heard this chomping.

All of a sudden, there were
holes in all the leaves.

Hmm, let me see that.

[Clears throat]

Hmm.

That don't look
like a corn borer.

It ain't
an earworm.

Maybe Mr. kimball
can identify it.

Well, not identify it,
maybe he'd...

No, I don't think he would--

eb, this is no time to
do imitations of Mr. kimball.

Let's hope he can
tell us what it is.

Quiet, quiet,
please, quiet.

As you all know, I'm your
county kimball, Hank agent.

I don't believe I am.

I'm, uh, Hank kimball,
your county agent.

Yes, that sounds better.

Well, not better.

Uh, Mr. kimball,
uh, what about the bug?

What bug?

Oh!

As you all know,
we have a serious
problem on our hands.

Well, it's not on our
hands, it's on our corn.

Well, now, do you know
what kind of a bug it is?

At first, I thought it
was a European corn borer.

But I eliminated him.

Well, I didn't eliminate him.
There's a lot of 'em
still running around.

But I did several hours
of careful research.

Shall I start the slides?

Oh, yes. Lights.

Gentlemen, this is
what's been chewing on
the leaves on your corn.

This is the mother.

No, it's the father.

It might be an uncle.

Anyway, this
is the bing bug.

The bing bug?

Actually, it has
a long Latin name which
is very hard to pronounce,

so the chief nicknamed
him the bing bug.

The reason for this
is when it rubs
it's antennae together...

Uh, that is the bug,
not the chief.

We hear a tiny "bing."

Except during
the mating season,

when we don't hear
anything at all.

The next slide we'll see
will show the bing bug
in it's early stages.

No, that's me
in my early stages.

Yeah, I was about
2 years old.

I was spending the summer
at my aunt's house.

Well, I guess you all
recognize this fellow.

He's the county agent
from Dexter county.

That was a costume he wore

when he won first prize
at the masquerade party

we had at
the state convention.

Yeah, he fooled
a lot of people.

Including me.

Sam, will you
turn on the lights?

Mr. kimball, now, you've
identified the bug for us.

What we want to know
is how to get rid of it.

That's a good question.

Because we all realize
that the important...

What was it you asked?

How to get
rid of the bug?

Well, there's
one simple method.

Everybody go home
and burn their crops.

I thank you.

(Oliver)
Wait a minute.

That's no solution.

I'm not gonna
burn my crops.

Neither is any other farmer.
What kind of farmers are you,

giving up
without a fight?

Is there
any other way?

No, there's only one way
i know to burn your crops.

You get a match
and some kerosene, and, uh...

I mean, is there any other way
to get rid of the bing bug?

Crop dusting.

Now, why don't
we try that?

Because you need a plane.
We don't have one.

I know a couple of fellows
up in pixley that own a plane.

Who?
The Wright brothers.

The Wright brothers?

Yeah, Orson and wilfred.

Oh, they ain't flyin' anymore.

We've got a flyer
in the 4 fs.

Mr. Douglas.

Oh, no, no, no.
Hold on here.

Mr. Douglas,

if you'd just fly that
plane and save our crops--

n-no, I haven't
been in a plane since--

thank you,
Mr. Douglas.

I didn't say I would.

3 cheers for
Mr. Douglas. Hip, hip,

[all cheering]
Hooray.

Wait a minute.
Hip, hip,

[all cheering]
Hooray.

All right,
I'll try it.

Hip, hip!

I'm not going
to let you do this.

Oh, come on, now.

Darling, everytime you
go up in an aeroplane,

you jump out
with a parashoost,

and--and meet a pretty
girl and marry her.

That only
happened once.

What if it happens
again? Where will I be?

It's not going to--
look, come on, come on.

Oh, excuse me,
I'd like to see--

howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. haney.

Well, what are
you doing here?

Waiting for
your husband.

I came to see
the Wright brothers.

You're looking at them.

What?

I just bought 'em out.
Lock, stock, and airyplane.

I should've known.

You sure should've.

Anything I can
do for you?

Nothing.
Uh, Mr. Douglas,

you gonna let them
little bing bugs bing
the valley to pieces?

Well--

I got a perfect plane
for crop-Dustin'.

Oliver, I'm not going
to let you do this.

Lisa, I promised.

Uh, have you got
a slow-flying,
single-engine job?

This is your lucky day.

Have a look.

What is that?

It's the kitty hawk.

The Wright brothers
named her after their ma.

Her maiden name was hawk.

Is that the only
plane you've got?

Ah, the only
modern one.

You're not
going up in that.

It's perfectly safe.

Well then,
why don't you fly it?

Well, I would. But I'm
only licensed for dirigibles.

Could you put crop-dusting
equipment on that?

Certainly.

How much
would it cost?

Mr. Douglas, the farmers
of the valley are
in trouble, ain't they?

Yes, they are.

When my friends are
standin' there with their
hand out, askin' for help,

I'm there.

With your
hand out.

Oh, that stung.

Like a cheap aftershave
lotion on a nicked chin.

Well, if, uh,
if that thing flies...

Why don't you take her
up for a test spin?

No charge.

Except for the goggles
and the helmet.

There's a $2 rental
fee on them.

$2.

How about
a white silk scarf?

Only 50 cents.
No.

It was worn by Richard arlen
during the filmin' of wings.

I don't need
a silk scarf.

Well, I know that
you will need this.

Oh, a parachute!

Yeah, how much?

$12.

Lessen it
don't open.

[Chuckles]

Darling, please
don't do it.

No, I'll
be careful.

Oliver, Oliver,
be careful.

[Engine humming]

[Engine sputtering]

Doggone him. If I knowed
he was gonna do stunts,

I never would've let
him take that plane.

Oliver, come down.

Come down!

don't you worry,
Mrs. Douglas.

He'll come down
all right.

[Yells]

Oliver, stop
showing off.

Oliver,
get back in.

(Oliver)
Help!

Get back in!

He's all right.

Thank goodness.

Oh, when you
find your husband,

tell him he owes me $12
for the opened parachute.

(Oliver)
Help, help!

Help, help!

He must be around
here someplace.

Help!

Help!

Well, here
we are again.

You're up
and me down.

Eb, cut me down.

Should I?

Cut me down!

This is the way I met
my first husband.

He looked very
much like you.

Lisa.

I was in
the underground those days.

I was single, and I was
blowing up tanks for a living.

And this handsome flyer
fell out of the sky.

[Exclaims]

Darling, darling,
are you all right?

Yes.
Come on, get up.

I think so.

You're a big hero
in hooterville for getting
rid of the bing bugs.

They're gonna measure
you for a statue.

I didn't
do anything.

No, but that
plane did.

It crashed in your cornfield
and burned the whole thing.

It burned all my--

oh, only 2 acres.

But when the bing bugs
saw the fire,

they turned pale
and they packed up
their eggs and left town.

Mr. kimball said
it was the smoke
that got rid of them.

Oh, Mr. haney's
looking for you.

You owe him $12
for the parashoost,

and $68,000
for the aeroplane.

What?

Of course, I could hide
you in my farmhouse.

You, uh, live in
a farmhouse?

Yes.

All my life, I wanted
to get away from
racing with the rats,

and plant the little
seeds in the earth,

and watch them
shoosting up into the sky.

You'd rather
talk than smooch?

Not really.

[Speaking Hungarian]

What did she say?

Go get your own
Hungarian girl
and find out.

(Lisa)
This has been a filmways
presentation, darling.