Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 9 - You Can't Plug in a 2 with a 6 - full transcript
Oliver plants crops using a bizarre country formula. Lisa can't grasp the principal of electricity.
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Sputtering]
[Surf music playing]
Lisa: Oliver...
What?
I've got a rock
in my pot.
You've got a rock
in your pot?
I'll, uh, I'll fix it
in a minute.
I'm waiting to hear
the commodity prices.
Radio: And now,
for the wheat prices.
At the Chicago exchange,
wheat opened steady and--
[sparking]
What's the price of wheat?
Darling, I think
the fooz blew.
Fooz?
Yes, like when
we were in New York,
and the lights went out.
And you telephoned down
to the superintendent,
and he came up, and he
put in a new fooz.
Fuse.
And it was a generator
that you blew out.
We don't have fooz--fuses.
And just as I was
learning the wheat prices.
You know I've decided
to plant wheat.
I'm sorry, darling,
but something happened
when I plugged in
the coffee pot.
Oh, coffee pot's
only a number 2.
What else you
got plugged in?
Oh, well, no wonder
the generator blew out.
You've got 8 plugged in.
No, only 4.
The number of plugs
doesn't make the difference.
It's the number
on the plugs...
That makes the difference.
Oh.
I thought I explained
that to you.
You did.
I thought you
understood it.
I didn't.
Well, all right,
I'll explain it again.
Uh, the whole thing is
based on the principle of 7.
That's the maximum load
the generator can carry.
Now, the bigger
electrical appliances,
they have
the biggest numbers,
as I've indicated
on the chart here.
The can opener is 1.
Coffee pot, electric iron,
toaster, mixer, that's 2.
Frying pan 3,
rotisserie 4,
dishwasher 5,
washing machine, freezer,
and refrigerator...
They draw the most
electricity, see,
so they're 6.
Understand?
You don't understand.
[Sighs] All right.
That's the washing machine.
That's 6.
Huh?
Yeah.
Now, with a 6,
you can only have a 1.
Because that
adds up to 7.
Huh?
Now, that can only
be the can opener.
You see? Unless you don't
use the washing machine,
and then you could use,
oh, say, the electric iron.
What's that for?
Iron clothes.
Which one is that?
Haven't you
ever used this?
Oh, yes, to hold
the door open.
Uh...
The main thing
to remember is that
the total cannot
be more than 7.
Now, you understand?
You don't understand.
Yes, I do understand.
I am going
to make coffee,
so I pull out the 3,
and I push in the 2.
Good girl.
You love me?
Of course I love you.
But not enough
to let me plug in the 3.
It doesn't make any
difference, anyhow,
what you plug in till i
get the generator fixed.
While you are at it,
could you fix the water, too?
What's the matter
with it?
Come. I show you.
This came out of it.
What?
You think
there's gold in it?
I'll fix the generator.
Have you seen
my screwdriver?
I can't--
no.
Oh. Everything's gotta
happen to me today.
I'm trying to get
into Mr. drucker's
to put my order in,
otherwise, I wouldn't
get my planting done.
What are you
going to plant?
Seed wheat.
Oh, seaweed.
I thought they grew that
in the ocean.
No, not seaweed.
Seed wheat.
Wheat seed you plant
to get wheat from.
[Sizzling]
What's that?
Coffee.
Ohh, here.
You put the coffee pot
on the--
it's welded to the lid.
Well, can you get me
another coffee pot?
I'll ask Mr. drucker
when I go in
to get my seaweed.
I'll see--see--seed
wh-wheat seed!
Oh, darling.
Ohh!
Be careful,
you'll blow a fooz.
I say corn.
And I say soy beans.
Could I get
waited on?
Corn.
Soy beans.
Corn.
Could I get
waited on?
What do you want?
2 sticks
of chewing gum.
What?
Assorted. Give me
a fruit flavor--
I don't break up a pack.
Give it to me,
I'll break it up.
Joe, will you
stop interruptin'?
Now, this is important.
Fellas, you better
make up your minds,
otherwise, I can't guarantee
to deliver your seed on time.
Got any loose
jellybeans?
Joe!
Sam, you can put me
down for soy beans.
75 bushels of corn.
Fred, you're making
a mistake.
Ben, when Doris's lumbago
starts acting up,
it's a sure sign
to plant corn.
When Emily gets
her cranky spells,
you better be out there
planting soy beans.
Doris's lumbago's
been right more times
than Emily's cranky spells.
Oh, I don't
agree with that.
Well, now, you remember
what happened back in '48.
There's only one
way to settle this.
Yeah, with a nickel.
Put it on my account.
Boys...
Gotta approach
this plantin' problem
scientifically.
Now, just how bad
is Doris's lumbago?
The worst
she's ever had.
I have to push her out
of bed every morning
to get her
to feed the pigs.
How cranky's Emily been?
Well, she's been
yammering at me
for 2 weeks now.
Every day?
No.
It's been more like
every other day.
'Fraid I'll have to go along
with Doris's lumbago.
Me, too, Ben.
Doris has ached up
some of the best corn crops
we've ever had in the valley.
Well, I gotta admit,
Emily ain't been
real soy bean
cranky.
Better put me down
for corn, too.
Good.
You were gonna charge me
5 cents for this?
Ain't hardly
worth finishin'.
Joe, you--
morning, gentlemen.
Mornin', Mr. Douglas.
Is there something
i can do for you?
I want to place
an order.
Like to split
a package of gum?
No. No, thank you.
You can choose a flavor.
No, thank you
very much.
I want to order my seed.
I was just takin' Fred's
and Ben's order for seed.
Now, how much corn
can I put you down for?
Corn?
I'm planting wheat.
Wheat?!
Yes.
Your wife got
any wheat bumps?
What are wheat bumps?
Oh, they're little knobs
some folks get on their
heads this time of year.
It's a good sign
for plantin' wheat.
Her bumps wouldn't
really count, anyway.
She's a city girl.
She might be bumpin'
onions for all we know.
My wife is not
bumping anything.
Joe, Mr. Douglas
doesn't even know
what you're talking about.
No. No, I'm sorry
to have--now...
About my seed...
Mr. Douglas.
Take the advice
of a man
that's been farmin'
40 years.
don't fly in the face
of Doris's lumbago.
Your wife has lumbago?
I'm sorry to hear that.
don't knock it.
It's money in the bank.
Mr. Douglas, you see,
the kind of weather
that brings on
Doris's lumbago
seems to be the best
for growin' corn.
Oh...
Emily gets
cranky spells.
For corn?
Soy beans.
Ain't met anybody with
swollen ankles, have you?
No.
Well, carrots ain't
a very good crop
around here, anyway.
Gentlemen.
I know you're all
successful farmers,
but there are better
scientific methods
of farming than basing
your crops on--
on aches and pains.
What do you
base yours on?
The department
of agriculture.
Who?
The United States
department of agriculture.
I didn't know
they had one.
Of course.
In Washington.
They tell you
what to plant, huh?
No. No,
they don't do that.
What do
they plant?
Oh, they're not
planting anything.
Ain't got any faith in
their own judgment, huh?
Gentlemen, since the day
the department of agriculture
was founded,
the farmer has access
to the finest scientific
brains in America.
He's no longer alone
in his fields.
He knows that back there
in Washington
there's an army
of agriculturists,
agronomists, chemists,
bacteriologists,
meteorologists peering
into microscopes,
heating up test tubes,
you know,
releasing balloons,
culling information,
gathering data, sorting,
probing, shifting
with but one thought
in mind:
What crops are good
for America.
Now, the microscopes
are dark,
the test tubes
are cooled off,
and the balloons
are all recovered,
and the answer is wheat,
gentlemen...
I am planting wheat.
That sure
convinces me.
Me, too.
I think I'll double my
order of corn.
Wheat?
Yes, sir.
Well, wheat is
a good crop.
Well, it's not
a good crop, it's, uh--
wheat, huh?
Yeah. don't try
to talk me out of it.
That's what the fellas
at the store tried to do.
Mr. Douglas, we county
agents are not allowed
to talk anyone out of
making stupid mistakes.
I mean...
Not that you're making
a stupid mistake.
It's just that, uh...
You're gonna plant
160 acres in wheat?
You bet.
You basing this
on bumps?
What?
Oh, you mean that
silly supers--no, no.
Yeah, it is kinda silly,
isn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, we prefer
the scientific approach.
Well, not strictly
scientific.
Sometimes, we, uh,
well, not sometimes,
a lot of times, we, uh,
well, let's see,
chief is so fond
of saying,
"as Mrs. ziffel's
lumbago goes,
so goes
the corn crops."
[Sighs]
Mrs. ziffel has lumbago?
Oh, a big crop
of it.
Of course, we're not
sure how big
the crop is, but--
oh, the poor woman.
I ought to go
and visit her.
That'd be nice.
How have you been,
Mr. kimball?
Oh, fine.
Just fine.
Well, not
really fine.
I've been on my feet
a lot lately.
I think I got
a touch
of carrot ankle.
Not enough
to plant by.
What's that?
Uh, that's an old
wives' tale.
The people out here
plant their crops
according to their
aches and pains.
I had a headache
this morning.
Asparagus.
Mr. Douglas,
I'd look into that
if I were you.
Asparagus might
be the answer.
I'm planting wheat.
How would you two like
to have some lunch?
That'd be wonderful.
I'm starved.
Me, too. Where do we go?
Oh, Lisa, you know there's
no place we can go for lunch.
Oh, yes, there is.
The stork club,
21, tout chaud.
They're all in New York.
Mr. kimball, how would
you like to take off
a couple of days
and have lunch?
Well, I, uh...
Lisa.
How about you fixing
lunch for us?
Well...I could try it.
How would you
like to have
some coffee and toast?
Well, if it wouldn't
be too much trouble.
I don't know.
I never made it.
You've never
made toast?
Well, I've only
been here 5 weeks.
Oh, well, I'm really
not very hungry.
Oh, come on,
let me make it.
Mrs. Bradley
gave me the recipe.
Toast and coffee'd
be just fine.
I'll make it
without the coffee.
You forgot to bring home
the new coffee pot.
Oh, I forgot.
My wife welded
the electric pot
to the stove
this morning.
You learned to
weld in 5 weeks?
That's very good.
Excellent.
Uh, no, no, no.
This was an accident.
That could happen
to the best of us.
Well, not the best
of us, but, uh--
well, uh, toast
without coffee
will be just fine.
I plug in.
Uh, remember,
the toaster's a 2.
You can't plug in
more than a 5 with it.
There is already
a 6 in it.
You'll have
to pull it out.
The butter will melt.
Honey, a 2 won't
go with a 6.
It's very simple.
All you gotta remember
is 6 and 1 are 7.
6 and 1 is 7.
I think I can
remember that.
Mr. kimball,
I want to ask you some
questions about wheat.
Wheat?
Oh, so, you're gonna
go ahead and do it?
I certainly am.
Well, that's fine, fine.
I know a lot of fellas
that plant wheat.
Well, not a lot
of fellas.
There was one.
Tom Henderson.
Yeah, he put in
640 acres.
Ooh.
That's a lot of wheat.
Wheat as far as the eye
could see.
Fields of wheat.
Beautiful crop.
Lost his shirt.
What?
Well, he didn't
lose his shirt.
Lost his farm
and his wife.
He still has his shirt.
If the wheat was so good,
what happened?
The bottom fell out
of the wheat market.
Just like it did
this morning.
Didn't you hear
the commodity broadcast?
Oh, no.
The generator went out
just as they were com--
it dropped?
Fell is a better word.
No...Dropped is better.
Wheat dropped?!
Dropped, huh?
Ohh!
The bottom dropped
right out.
I didn't hear
the 7:00 report.
I was watching the tail end
of the all-night movie.
John Wayne in color.
I didn't know you had
a color TV set.
Oh, no, that's the name
of the movie, color.
You see, that's what
the gold miners used to say.
They used to say,
"you showin' any color
in your pan?"
That meant there was
gold in the pan.
That's very interesting.
Now, Mr. drucker,
could I change
my wheat seed?
Well, I guess
that'd be all right.
What were you figurin'
on changing it for?
Corn.
Glad to see you're going
along with Doris's lumbago.
Well, uh, that's not
why I'm doing it.
I just thought, as long
as everybody else
is going for corn...
I'd play it safe.
Well, that's a wise
decision, Mr. Douglas.
don't ask me to explain it,
but corn seems to grow best
when Doris ziffel
has lumbago.
I ain't got lumbago.
You haven't?
Nah.
I just told Fred that.
Why?
Honey, when you're
married as long as me,
there's many mornings
you don't want
to get out of bed
and slop the pigs.
Well, Mrs. ziffel, I'm glad
that you're not sick.
I brought you a present.
Oh, thanks.
Last time I got
a present
was when I was
first married.
Fred gave me
my own plow.
Near busted my back
pullin' it.
Looks like toast.
Thank you.
The first two I made
you couldn't recognize.
Ah.
Well, it was awful
nice of you
bringin' me something
when you thought
I was sick.
Well, I would have
brought you hotcakes,
but they were
too heavy to carry.
Honey, if I had
your looks
and anything else
you got,
I never woulda
moved out here.
I promised
my husband--
I promised Fred
I'd try livin' here.
That was 22 years ago.
And you know what?
He ain't never yet
asked if I liked it.
I work for that man.
I cook, I clean,
i scrub, I sew,
and what does it get me?
An $8 bonus
on Christmas.
I don't even get that
if my lumbago
don't pay off.
That's why this morning,
i just decided--
[snuffling]
Oh, you know Arnold.
How do you do?
He doesn't like me.
Oh, you're sitting
in his favorite chair.
No, no, don't get up.
Go watch TV.
[Squeals]
Arnold loves John Wayne.
John Wayne.
Would you believe it?
When Fred and me
was first married,
people used to come up
to us and say,
"are you John Wayne?"
I had an awful time
convincin' 'em I wasn't.
She had
a terrible life.
Cooking, cleaning
up, washing dishes,
and telling everyone
she wasn't
John Wayne.
What?
I couldn't see it,
but I didn't want
to hurt her
feelings.
For cryin' out loud, do you
realize what she's done?
She's got Fred ziffel
planting corn, Mr. Miller...
We ain't plantin'
rutabagars.
Why didn't you come home
and tell me this right away?
We've planted
a half an acre.
Well, darling,
i couldn't.
She was so lonely.
Her husband
was outside,
and Arnold was
in the living room
watching television.
I don't--
Arnold the pig?
We gonna go on plantin'
corn, Mr. Douglas?
Of course not.
What about
this half-acre?
Find the seeds
and put them back
into the sack.
Well, I don't know,
Mr. Douglas.
There ain't much
of a market
for used corn seed.
Used?
Oh, it's hardly used.
It wasn't in
the ground...2 hours.
Well, i--
we cleaned it
all off, we dusted
every speck.
You won't find
a speck of dirt on--
hello there,
Mr. Douglas.
Oh, hello there,
Mr. ziffel.
I want to apologize
to you
for my wife Doris
fakin'.
Oh, please, nothing at all.
No--no harm done.
What do you mean,
"no harm done?"
Everybody's bringin'
back his corn seed.
What are you planting
instead, Mr. ziffel?
Wheat.
Doris has got a couple
of beautiful bumps
on her head.
Oh, they ain't
real wheat bumps.
At first I thought
they was horns.
Mr. ziffel, you didn't--
no, I didn't
put 'em there.
She tripped
over Arnold
when she was going
in to watch TV.
What's Mr. ziffel
planting wheat for?
It was down
this morning.
It came up again
on the 2:00 news.
I'm planting wheat.
I wouldn't
if I was you.
What are you planting,
Mr. Miller?
Soy beans.
But wheat was up
on the 2:00 news.
Soy beans was higher
on the 3:00 news.
And Emily
was crankier.
What's it gonna be,
Mr. Douglas?
Well, it's very simple.
I'll plant half
of my farm in wheat
and the other half
in soy beans.
I'll help you
load your car.
Mr. haney.
What are you--
shh.
[Whispering]
What are you doing?
Listenin' to my car radio.
The radio is--
shh.
[Laughs] Oh, I love
that Vic and sade.
Where you been,
Mr. Douglas?
Buyin' my seed.
Oh, what'd you buy?
Wheat and soy beans.
Very shrewd.
They was up at 3:00.
Course, it's
almost 4:00 now.
I'll get the latest
price report on the radio.
Secuse me, Mr. Douglas,
you're standin'
between me and pixley.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, oh, here it is.
Soy beans...
Yeah?
Down.
Ohh.
Well, that's only half
of what I'm gonna plant.
What about wheat?
Wheat...Way down.
What's up?
Corn.
Corn? That's what you want?
Yes. So, if you'll
take back my wheat
and my soy beans,
I'll load up with corn.
Ok, well, I got
that sack of stuff
you brought back
this afternoon.
Good.
Sam.
I'm bringin'
back the wheat.
Oh, now, look here, Fred!
I decided against
soy beans, Sam.
You fellas gonna
plant corn?
Nope.
Potatoes.
Potatoes?
Just heard a bulletin
on the radio
about the department
of agriculture.
Ah, so you decided to use
the scientific approach?
Instead of that
silly superstition
of the cranky spells and
the lumbago and the bumps.
What did the bulletin say?
Secretary
of agriculture's
got a cold.
Cold?
Yes, sir. And it's
gonna be a big year
for potatoes.
[Sputtering]
I can't understand how
i got so panicked today.
You know, in the city,
if the stock market
goes down, I don't
rush to my broker
and sell my stock.
But out here, one report
that wheat is down,
and I change to corn.
And then I hear
a report
that Mrs. ziffel's
lumbago is a fake,
and I switch
to soy beans.
Then I hear th-that
soy beans are down,
I sell my soy bean--ohh.
I got a simple solution.
What?
Let's go back
to New York.
I am not going back
to New York.
I know that I can
make this farm work.
If Fred ziffel can
make his farm work,
there's no re--
what's this candle doing
in the refrigerator?
Darling, I had to plug
in the dishwasher,
which is the 5, so I had
to unplug the refrigerator,
which is the 6.
So, when I opened the door,
the light didn't go on,
and then I couldn't see,
so I put in the candle.
Good thinking.
Oh, good,
the number 5 stopped.
Now I can plug in
the number 6.
You see, I'm learning.
Yes, you are learning.
And I'm proud of you.
I'm very proud of you,
and why did you put
an electric toaster
in the dishwasher?!
Well, it was
full of crumbs.
Never put an electrical
appliance in a dishwasher.
Well, I'm sorry,
darling, but, you see,
I work on the principle
of 7, also.
For 5 good things I do,
i do 2 stupid things.
[Sparking]
You know you have
the number 8 kiss?
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Sputtering]
[Surf music playing]
Lisa: Oliver...
What?
I've got a rock
in my pot.
You've got a rock
in your pot?
I'll, uh, I'll fix it
in a minute.
I'm waiting to hear
the commodity prices.
Radio: And now,
for the wheat prices.
At the Chicago exchange,
wheat opened steady and--
[sparking]
What's the price of wheat?
Darling, I think
the fooz blew.
Fooz?
Yes, like when
we were in New York,
and the lights went out.
And you telephoned down
to the superintendent,
and he came up, and he
put in a new fooz.
Fuse.
And it was a generator
that you blew out.
We don't have fooz--fuses.
And just as I was
learning the wheat prices.
You know I've decided
to plant wheat.
I'm sorry, darling,
but something happened
when I plugged in
the coffee pot.
Oh, coffee pot's
only a number 2.
What else you
got plugged in?
Oh, well, no wonder
the generator blew out.
You've got 8 plugged in.
No, only 4.
The number of plugs
doesn't make the difference.
It's the number
on the plugs...
That makes the difference.
Oh.
I thought I explained
that to you.
You did.
I thought you
understood it.
I didn't.
Well, all right,
I'll explain it again.
Uh, the whole thing is
based on the principle of 7.
That's the maximum load
the generator can carry.
Now, the bigger
electrical appliances,
they have
the biggest numbers,
as I've indicated
on the chart here.
The can opener is 1.
Coffee pot, electric iron,
toaster, mixer, that's 2.
Frying pan 3,
rotisserie 4,
dishwasher 5,
washing machine, freezer,
and refrigerator...
They draw the most
electricity, see,
so they're 6.
Understand?
You don't understand.
[Sighs] All right.
That's the washing machine.
That's 6.
Huh?
Yeah.
Now, with a 6,
you can only have a 1.
Because that
adds up to 7.
Huh?
Now, that can only
be the can opener.
You see? Unless you don't
use the washing machine,
and then you could use,
oh, say, the electric iron.
What's that for?
Iron clothes.
Which one is that?
Haven't you
ever used this?
Oh, yes, to hold
the door open.
Uh...
The main thing
to remember is that
the total cannot
be more than 7.
Now, you understand?
You don't understand.
Yes, I do understand.
I am going
to make coffee,
so I pull out the 3,
and I push in the 2.
Good girl.
You love me?
Of course I love you.
But not enough
to let me plug in the 3.
It doesn't make any
difference, anyhow,
what you plug in till i
get the generator fixed.
While you are at it,
could you fix the water, too?
What's the matter
with it?
Come. I show you.
This came out of it.
What?
You think
there's gold in it?
I'll fix the generator.
Have you seen
my screwdriver?
I can't--
no.
Oh. Everything's gotta
happen to me today.
I'm trying to get
into Mr. drucker's
to put my order in,
otherwise, I wouldn't
get my planting done.
What are you
going to plant?
Seed wheat.
Oh, seaweed.
I thought they grew that
in the ocean.
No, not seaweed.
Seed wheat.
Wheat seed you plant
to get wheat from.
[Sizzling]
What's that?
Coffee.
Ohh, here.
You put the coffee pot
on the--
it's welded to the lid.
Well, can you get me
another coffee pot?
I'll ask Mr. drucker
when I go in
to get my seaweed.
I'll see--see--seed
wh-wheat seed!
Oh, darling.
Ohh!
Be careful,
you'll blow a fooz.
I say corn.
And I say soy beans.
Could I get
waited on?
Corn.
Soy beans.
Corn.
Could I get
waited on?
What do you want?
2 sticks
of chewing gum.
What?
Assorted. Give me
a fruit flavor--
I don't break up a pack.
Give it to me,
I'll break it up.
Joe, will you
stop interruptin'?
Now, this is important.
Fellas, you better
make up your minds,
otherwise, I can't guarantee
to deliver your seed on time.
Got any loose
jellybeans?
Joe!
Sam, you can put me
down for soy beans.
75 bushels of corn.
Fred, you're making
a mistake.
Ben, when Doris's lumbago
starts acting up,
it's a sure sign
to plant corn.
When Emily gets
her cranky spells,
you better be out there
planting soy beans.
Doris's lumbago's
been right more times
than Emily's cranky spells.
Oh, I don't
agree with that.
Well, now, you remember
what happened back in '48.
There's only one
way to settle this.
Yeah, with a nickel.
Put it on my account.
Boys...
Gotta approach
this plantin' problem
scientifically.
Now, just how bad
is Doris's lumbago?
The worst
she's ever had.
I have to push her out
of bed every morning
to get her
to feed the pigs.
How cranky's Emily been?
Well, she's been
yammering at me
for 2 weeks now.
Every day?
No.
It's been more like
every other day.
'Fraid I'll have to go along
with Doris's lumbago.
Me, too, Ben.
Doris has ached up
some of the best corn crops
we've ever had in the valley.
Well, I gotta admit,
Emily ain't been
real soy bean
cranky.
Better put me down
for corn, too.
Good.
You were gonna charge me
5 cents for this?
Ain't hardly
worth finishin'.
Joe, you--
morning, gentlemen.
Mornin', Mr. Douglas.
Is there something
i can do for you?
I want to place
an order.
Like to split
a package of gum?
No. No, thank you.
You can choose a flavor.
No, thank you
very much.
I want to order my seed.
I was just takin' Fred's
and Ben's order for seed.
Now, how much corn
can I put you down for?
Corn?
I'm planting wheat.
Wheat?!
Yes.
Your wife got
any wheat bumps?
What are wheat bumps?
Oh, they're little knobs
some folks get on their
heads this time of year.
It's a good sign
for plantin' wheat.
Her bumps wouldn't
really count, anyway.
She's a city girl.
She might be bumpin'
onions for all we know.
My wife is not
bumping anything.
Joe, Mr. Douglas
doesn't even know
what you're talking about.
No. No, I'm sorry
to have--now...
About my seed...
Mr. Douglas.
Take the advice
of a man
that's been farmin'
40 years.
don't fly in the face
of Doris's lumbago.
Your wife has lumbago?
I'm sorry to hear that.
don't knock it.
It's money in the bank.
Mr. Douglas, you see,
the kind of weather
that brings on
Doris's lumbago
seems to be the best
for growin' corn.
Oh...
Emily gets
cranky spells.
For corn?
Soy beans.
Ain't met anybody with
swollen ankles, have you?
No.
Well, carrots ain't
a very good crop
around here, anyway.
Gentlemen.
I know you're all
successful farmers,
but there are better
scientific methods
of farming than basing
your crops on--
on aches and pains.
What do you
base yours on?
The department
of agriculture.
Who?
The United States
department of agriculture.
I didn't know
they had one.
Of course.
In Washington.
They tell you
what to plant, huh?
No. No,
they don't do that.
What do
they plant?
Oh, they're not
planting anything.
Ain't got any faith in
their own judgment, huh?
Gentlemen, since the day
the department of agriculture
was founded,
the farmer has access
to the finest scientific
brains in America.
He's no longer alone
in his fields.
He knows that back there
in Washington
there's an army
of agriculturists,
agronomists, chemists,
bacteriologists,
meteorologists peering
into microscopes,
heating up test tubes,
you know,
releasing balloons,
culling information,
gathering data, sorting,
probing, shifting
with but one thought
in mind:
What crops are good
for America.
Now, the microscopes
are dark,
the test tubes
are cooled off,
and the balloons
are all recovered,
and the answer is wheat,
gentlemen...
I am planting wheat.
That sure
convinces me.
Me, too.
I think I'll double my
order of corn.
Wheat?
Yes, sir.
Well, wheat is
a good crop.
Well, it's not
a good crop, it's, uh--
wheat, huh?
Yeah. don't try
to talk me out of it.
That's what the fellas
at the store tried to do.
Mr. Douglas, we county
agents are not allowed
to talk anyone out of
making stupid mistakes.
I mean...
Not that you're making
a stupid mistake.
It's just that, uh...
You're gonna plant
160 acres in wheat?
You bet.
You basing this
on bumps?
What?
Oh, you mean that
silly supers--no, no.
Yeah, it is kinda silly,
isn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, we prefer
the scientific approach.
Well, not strictly
scientific.
Sometimes, we, uh,
well, not sometimes,
a lot of times, we, uh,
well, let's see,
chief is so fond
of saying,
"as Mrs. ziffel's
lumbago goes,
so goes
the corn crops."
[Sighs]
Mrs. ziffel has lumbago?
Oh, a big crop
of it.
Of course, we're not
sure how big
the crop is, but--
oh, the poor woman.
I ought to go
and visit her.
That'd be nice.
How have you been,
Mr. kimball?
Oh, fine.
Just fine.
Well, not
really fine.
I've been on my feet
a lot lately.
I think I got
a touch
of carrot ankle.
Not enough
to plant by.
What's that?
Uh, that's an old
wives' tale.
The people out here
plant their crops
according to their
aches and pains.
I had a headache
this morning.
Asparagus.
Mr. Douglas,
I'd look into that
if I were you.
Asparagus might
be the answer.
I'm planting wheat.
How would you two like
to have some lunch?
That'd be wonderful.
I'm starved.
Me, too. Where do we go?
Oh, Lisa, you know there's
no place we can go for lunch.
Oh, yes, there is.
The stork club,
21, tout chaud.
They're all in New York.
Mr. kimball, how would
you like to take off
a couple of days
and have lunch?
Well, I, uh...
Lisa.
How about you fixing
lunch for us?
Well...I could try it.
How would you
like to have
some coffee and toast?
Well, if it wouldn't
be too much trouble.
I don't know.
I never made it.
You've never
made toast?
Well, I've only
been here 5 weeks.
Oh, well, I'm really
not very hungry.
Oh, come on,
let me make it.
Mrs. Bradley
gave me the recipe.
Toast and coffee'd
be just fine.
I'll make it
without the coffee.
You forgot to bring home
the new coffee pot.
Oh, I forgot.
My wife welded
the electric pot
to the stove
this morning.
You learned to
weld in 5 weeks?
That's very good.
Excellent.
Uh, no, no, no.
This was an accident.
That could happen
to the best of us.
Well, not the best
of us, but, uh--
well, uh, toast
without coffee
will be just fine.
I plug in.
Uh, remember,
the toaster's a 2.
You can't plug in
more than a 5 with it.
There is already
a 6 in it.
You'll have
to pull it out.
The butter will melt.
Honey, a 2 won't
go with a 6.
It's very simple.
All you gotta remember
is 6 and 1 are 7.
6 and 1 is 7.
I think I can
remember that.
Mr. kimball,
I want to ask you some
questions about wheat.
Wheat?
Oh, so, you're gonna
go ahead and do it?
I certainly am.
Well, that's fine, fine.
I know a lot of fellas
that plant wheat.
Well, not a lot
of fellas.
There was one.
Tom Henderson.
Yeah, he put in
640 acres.
Ooh.
That's a lot of wheat.
Wheat as far as the eye
could see.
Fields of wheat.
Beautiful crop.
Lost his shirt.
What?
Well, he didn't
lose his shirt.
Lost his farm
and his wife.
He still has his shirt.
If the wheat was so good,
what happened?
The bottom fell out
of the wheat market.
Just like it did
this morning.
Didn't you hear
the commodity broadcast?
Oh, no.
The generator went out
just as they were com--
it dropped?
Fell is a better word.
No...Dropped is better.
Wheat dropped?!
Dropped, huh?
Ohh!
The bottom dropped
right out.
I didn't hear
the 7:00 report.
I was watching the tail end
of the all-night movie.
John Wayne in color.
I didn't know you had
a color TV set.
Oh, no, that's the name
of the movie, color.
You see, that's what
the gold miners used to say.
They used to say,
"you showin' any color
in your pan?"
That meant there was
gold in the pan.
That's very interesting.
Now, Mr. drucker,
could I change
my wheat seed?
Well, I guess
that'd be all right.
What were you figurin'
on changing it for?
Corn.
Glad to see you're going
along with Doris's lumbago.
Well, uh, that's not
why I'm doing it.
I just thought, as long
as everybody else
is going for corn...
I'd play it safe.
Well, that's a wise
decision, Mr. Douglas.
don't ask me to explain it,
but corn seems to grow best
when Doris ziffel
has lumbago.
I ain't got lumbago.
You haven't?
Nah.
I just told Fred that.
Why?
Honey, when you're
married as long as me,
there's many mornings
you don't want
to get out of bed
and slop the pigs.
Well, Mrs. ziffel, I'm glad
that you're not sick.
I brought you a present.
Oh, thanks.
Last time I got
a present
was when I was
first married.
Fred gave me
my own plow.
Near busted my back
pullin' it.
Looks like toast.
Thank you.
The first two I made
you couldn't recognize.
Ah.
Well, it was awful
nice of you
bringin' me something
when you thought
I was sick.
Well, I would have
brought you hotcakes,
but they were
too heavy to carry.
Honey, if I had
your looks
and anything else
you got,
I never woulda
moved out here.
I promised
my husband--
I promised Fred
I'd try livin' here.
That was 22 years ago.
And you know what?
He ain't never yet
asked if I liked it.
I work for that man.
I cook, I clean,
i scrub, I sew,
and what does it get me?
An $8 bonus
on Christmas.
I don't even get that
if my lumbago
don't pay off.
That's why this morning,
i just decided--
[snuffling]
Oh, you know Arnold.
How do you do?
He doesn't like me.
Oh, you're sitting
in his favorite chair.
No, no, don't get up.
Go watch TV.
[Squeals]
Arnold loves John Wayne.
John Wayne.
Would you believe it?
When Fred and me
was first married,
people used to come up
to us and say,
"are you John Wayne?"
I had an awful time
convincin' 'em I wasn't.
She had
a terrible life.
Cooking, cleaning
up, washing dishes,
and telling everyone
she wasn't
John Wayne.
What?
I couldn't see it,
but I didn't want
to hurt her
feelings.
For cryin' out loud, do you
realize what she's done?
She's got Fred ziffel
planting corn, Mr. Miller...
We ain't plantin'
rutabagars.
Why didn't you come home
and tell me this right away?
We've planted
a half an acre.
Well, darling,
i couldn't.
She was so lonely.
Her husband
was outside,
and Arnold was
in the living room
watching television.
I don't--
Arnold the pig?
We gonna go on plantin'
corn, Mr. Douglas?
Of course not.
What about
this half-acre?
Find the seeds
and put them back
into the sack.
Well, I don't know,
Mr. Douglas.
There ain't much
of a market
for used corn seed.
Used?
Oh, it's hardly used.
It wasn't in
the ground...2 hours.
Well, i--
we cleaned it
all off, we dusted
every speck.
You won't find
a speck of dirt on--
hello there,
Mr. Douglas.
Oh, hello there,
Mr. ziffel.
I want to apologize
to you
for my wife Doris
fakin'.
Oh, please, nothing at all.
No--no harm done.
What do you mean,
"no harm done?"
Everybody's bringin'
back his corn seed.
What are you planting
instead, Mr. ziffel?
Wheat.
Doris has got a couple
of beautiful bumps
on her head.
Oh, they ain't
real wheat bumps.
At first I thought
they was horns.
Mr. ziffel, you didn't--
no, I didn't
put 'em there.
She tripped
over Arnold
when she was going
in to watch TV.
What's Mr. ziffel
planting wheat for?
It was down
this morning.
It came up again
on the 2:00 news.
I'm planting wheat.
I wouldn't
if I was you.
What are you planting,
Mr. Miller?
Soy beans.
But wheat was up
on the 2:00 news.
Soy beans was higher
on the 3:00 news.
And Emily
was crankier.
What's it gonna be,
Mr. Douglas?
Well, it's very simple.
I'll plant half
of my farm in wheat
and the other half
in soy beans.
I'll help you
load your car.
Mr. haney.
What are you--
shh.
[Whispering]
What are you doing?
Listenin' to my car radio.
The radio is--
shh.
[Laughs] Oh, I love
that Vic and sade.
Where you been,
Mr. Douglas?
Buyin' my seed.
Oh, what'd you buy?
Wheat and soy beans.
Very shrewd.
They was up at 3:00.
Course, it's
almost 4:00 now.
I'll get the latest
price report on the radio.
Secuse me, Mr. Douglas,
you're standin'
between me and pixley.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, oh, here it is.
Soy beans...
Yeah?
Down.
Ohh.
Well, that's only half
of what I'm gonna plant.
What about wheat?
Wheat...Way down.
What's up?
Corn.
Corn? That's what you want?
Yes. So, if you'll
take back my wheat
and my soy beans,
I'll load up with corn.
Ok, well, I got
that sack of stuff
you brought back
this afternoon.
Good.
Sam.
I'm bringin'
back the wheat.
Oh, now, look here, Fred!
I decided against
soy beans, Sam.
You fellas gonna
plant corn?
Nope.
Potatoes.
Potatoes?
Just heard a bulletin
on the radio
about the department
of agriculture.
Ah, so you decided to use
the scientific approach?
Instead of that
silly superstition
of the cranky spells and
the lumbago and the bumps.
What did the bulletin say?
Secretary
of agriculture's
got a cold.
Cold?
Yes, sir. And it's
gonna be a big year
for potatoes.
[Sputtering]
I can't understand how
i got so panicked today.
You know, in the city,
if the stock market
goes down, I don't
rush to my broker
and sell my stock.
But out here, one report
that wheat is down,
and I change to corn.
And then I hear
a report
that Mrs. ziffel's
lumbago is a fake,
and I switch
to soy beans.
Then I hear th-that
soy beans are down,
I sell my soy bean--ohh.
I got a simple solution.
What?
Let's go back
to New York.
I am not going back
to New York.
I know that I can
make this farm work.
If Fred ziffel can
make his farm work,
there's no re--
what's this candle doing
in the refrigerator?
Darling, I had to plug
in the dishwasher,
which is the 5, so I had
to unplug the refrigerator,
which is the 6.
So, when I opened the door,
the light didn't go on,
and then I couldn't see,
so I put in the candle.
Good thinking.
Oh, good,
the number 5 stopped.
Now I can plug in
the number 6.
You see, I'm learning.
Yes, you are learning.
And I'm proud of you.
I'm very proud of you,
and why did you put
an electric toaster
in the dishwasher?!
Well, it was
full of crumbs.
Never put an electrical
appliance in a dishwasher.
Well, I'm sorry,
darling, but, you see,
I work on the principle
of 7, also.
For 5 good things I do,
i do 2 stupid things.
[Sparking]
You know you have
the number 8 kiss?
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