Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 32 - Uncle Ollie - full transcript
Oliver's groovy nephew arrives in Hooterville on his motorcycle with long hair, hip lingo and no interest in work. However, Chuck is excellent with motors and proceeds to "soup up" all the vehicles in the valley. The easily influenced Eb is quick to decide he wants to be a hippie beatnik.
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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling,
i love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Oliver, breakfast!
[Tapping]
Darling, darling,
your breakfast
is almost ready.
Oh, yes, thank you, but
i wanted to finish this...
Oh, say, here, here.
That's my hotcake batter.
Yes. I just want
to see if it'll...
Oh, hey, it does.
No wonder I get that heavy
feeling after breakfast.
That's your fault.
Why do you eat it?
I need some more
of the...
Eb: Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
[Thud]
Oh!
[Crash]
What the--
hey, you started
the fireplace.
You got one brick up
already.
They were all up
until you barged in.
Here's a letter for you,
Mrs. Douglas.
No wonder
they didn't stick.
Your cement's too thin.
Oh, that's
hotcake batter.
Oh, then
it's too thick.
What's too thick?
Nothing.
Who's the letter from?
Cynthia.
Gee, how is she?
I haven't seen her
in a long while.
Is she still--
do you know Cynthia?
No.
Who is she?
She happens to be
my sister.
Oh, that's who she is.
I didn't recognize
her handwriting.
Oh? What has she
got to say?
Oh, Charles is coming
next Thursday.
Oh, boy,
good old Charles.
I haven't seen him
since--
do you know Charles?
No.
Who is he?
My nephew.
What do you mean,
Charles is coming to visit?
Well, last time
i wrote to your sister,
I invited him.
What for?
Well, I couldn't think
of anything else to say.
When is Charles
getting here?
Thursday, so we'll
give him a nice party,
and then on Friday,
we're going to take him to--
we don't have
to entertain him.
Well, what is
the poor boy going to do?
He can help eb.
Oh, boy, I always
wanted my own flunky.
Eb.
A guy I can shove around
like you shove me around.
If you don't--
darling, where is he
going to sleep?
He can share
eb's room.
I've already got somebody
sharing my room.
Who?
Eloise.
What?
My pet turtle.
Out.
I'm going.
Out!
I'm gone!
[Crows]
[Rooster crows]
[Engine revving]
[Crash]
Oh!
[Motorcycle engine
idling]
[Engine revving]
What was that?
I don't know, but wait
until I get my hands
on that chowderhead.
[Thud]
[Engine revving]
Shut that off,
you chowderhead!
What are you doing?
Shut that thing off.
You stupid?
Uncle Ollie.
Oh, don't touch me.
don't you
recognize me?
I'm your nephew Chuck.
Chuck?
I didn't expect you to...
Oh, what happened
to that little boy...
When you were young,
your hair didn't come...
Do you have
any identification?
Identification?
Darling,
what was all that...
Oh, hello, young lady.
No.
She's not a...
He's...
It's my nephew.
Oh. Hello, Charles.
I am your aunt Lisa
through
your mother's brother.
You really
shot yourself down
a real bird,
uncle Ollie.
Oh, well,
thank you, Charles.
Chuck.
Chuck what?
Chuck.
It's my nickname.
Oh, well,
whoever you are,
we are delighted
you came.
Yes. It's nice of you
to drop in.
Now, if you're ever
in the neighborhood again,
let us know.
No, darling.
Your sister said
that he would like to stay
with us for a while.
Oh, well, come along,
Chuck Charles.
I'll make you breakfast.
Well, I might go
for a little Espresso.
Uh, wouldn't you like
to clean up a little bit
before you go
into the house?
Like, say, ahem,
get a haircut?
You putting me on?
I just got it cut
yesterday.
Come along.
I'll make you breakfast,
and then later on,
I'll show you
where you're going
to sleep.
Sorry about this, Eloise,
but we're having company.
You'll have to sleep out
for a while.
Lisa: Eb!
Here, darling.
There.
Man, what
a ring-a-ding staircase.
Eb, I want you
to meet
my nephew-in-law
Chuck Charles.
Just plain Chuck.
Howdy.
I'm just plain eb.
Want to help me
feed my turtle?
Oh, I really splashed
down in Hicksville.
What'd he say?
I don't know.
He came from Chicago,
and that's the way
they talk there.
Oh.
Oh, well, I'll leave you
2 boys to get acquainted.
Well, might as well
make yourself at home.
Want to hang up
your coat and hair?
Oh, that's a real
knee slapper.
Uh, where do i
flake out?
Boy, you sure talk funny
in Chicago.
Look, lil abner,
where do I pile the bones?
You know, sleep.
Oh, you share the bed
with me.
Ok.
Hey, watch it!
[Thud]
Ooh!
You could've
flattened Henry.
[Thud]
Ahh!
What are you,
some kind of animal nut?
No. Animals
are my hobby.
If you want, we can go
over to the creek tonight
and get one of these
for you.
Oh, that sounds like
a gassy evening.
Tell me, what else do you do
around here for kicks?
Well, we can
sit around and listen
to my record
collection.
What kind of records?
Oh, dizzy Gillespie,
Dave brubeck,
Tijuana brass.
Do those cats
turn you on?
Oh, yeah.
They're neato, man.
Neato?
You just killed
the whole effect.
[Hums
green acres theme]
[Splash splash]
[Continues humming]
[Splash splash]
[Continues humming]
[Splash splash]
[Moos]
Hello, eb.
Oh, good morning,
Eleanor, darling.
[Moos]
[Softly]
Morning, miss Douglas.
What's the matter
with your voice?
Nothing. Chuck's
still asleep upstairs.
Oh, the poor boy.
He's probably very tired,
riding all the way from
Chicago on his sickle-cycle.
It wasn't that.
He was up half the night
changing my record
player into a hi-fi.
Oh, that's very nice.
What's nice?
Shh!
What's nice?
Well, what Chuck Charles
did last night.
Underneath
all that hair,
he's
a pretty nice kid.
Well, I'm glad
you like him.
Why are we whispering?
He's still asleep.
Asleep?
He's asleep?
It's past 6:00!
What does he think this is,
a country club? Chuck!
Ahh! Unh.
Cock-a-doodle-do,
unc.
Morning,
aunt chick.
Good morning,
Chuck Charles.
Did you sleep well?
Uh, no, not too good.
That frog
had pretty cold feet.
Chuck...
What are you people
doing up so early?
I mean, did your electric
blanket blow a fuse?
This is a farm...
Mm-hmm.
And on a farm,
people get up early.
Why?
Yeah, why?
I was wondering
about that, too.
Lisa.
In the city, I always
slept until noon.
Chuck says he sleeps
until 2:00 in the afternoon.
He's going to teach me
how to do it.
If there's one thing
you don't need,
that's lazy lessons.
Now, get to work.
Yes, sir.
Now, Chuck,
this is a farm,
and you got to learn
that on a farm
you're expected
to pitch in
and do your share of...
Look, you wouldn't
consider
getting a haircut,
would you?
Now, you've got
to learn
that I expect you
to help around here.
There's certain chores
you've got to do.
Now, if you want
to stay around here,
you've got
to do them. Here.
How do you play
this thing?
It hasn't got
any strings on it.
Eb will show you.
Ok, where do I go?
The other side
of the corn field.
That's pretty far. I think
I'd better take my cycle.
You wouldn't think
of walking?
And get my boots
dusty?
After sleeping until
2:00 in the afternoon,
then what'd you do?
Oh, I'd usually
slip on my threads,
hop on my cycle,
and cut out
for the coffee house.
Boy, that's what
i call living.
Yeah. It does
kind of tire you out,
but you get used to it.
I'm used to it
already.
When are we going
to dig that ditch?
Man, you are sick.
Listen, you start
fooling around
with this shovel stuff,
and you're going to wind up
in blisterville.
Mr. Douglas
gets pretty mad
if you don't do something
he tells you to.
He can't help it.
All kooks are like that.
Well, after we finish
not digging the ditch,
what else
ain't we going to do?
Well, I figured
we'd take us a little nap,
then we'd hop on
the cycle, and we'd...
Where's the action
around here?
Hooterville.
Oh.
Sorry.
Man, what are you
doing?
Whittling.
It's kind of
an unwritten law.
When you sit in front
of the general store,
you're supposed
to whittle.
That way if
any tourists come by,
it gives the town
a nice rustic effect.
I thought you said this is
where the action is.
It is. If you sit here
long enough,
every pretty girl
in hooterville walks by.
Well, we have been sitting
here for 3 hours now,
and, like, nobody
has crossed my path.
Well, Tuesday's
a slow day.
This is Friday.
It is? That's even
slower than Tuesday.
Man, isn't there anything
to do in this town?
Want to go over
to the depot
and watch the 12:00
train come in?
It's 3:00.
It is? Gosh,
it's 2 minutes late.
No, thanks, man.
That's a little
too crazy for me.
Morning,
Mr. Douglas.
Hi, Mr. kimball.
Yeah. Sure is
a nice day, isn't it?
Oh, what's nice
about it?
Well, it seems
kind of nice.
It's not raining.
At least I...
No, it's not
raining.
Of course,
if the wind shifted...
What are you doing?
I'm trying to get
my motor fixed.
Mind if i
have a look?
Go ahead.
I happen to be
pretty good with motors.
Oh, boy.
Hopeless?
Oh, I wouldn't
say that.
If you get yourself
a new...
Or change the...
Think we could push it
over to a junkyard?
Mr. kimball, I have
got to get this--
oh, well, go on.
Have to what?
Fix the motor!
Oh, I don't think
i can do that.
I just remembered
why I came over.
It was to...
Wait. I have
a memo on it.
Oh, yes. I heard
your niece was staying here,
and I thought maybe
she'd like to--
not my niece.
It's my nephew.
Oh, well, I heard
she had hair down to...
Yeah, yeah. That's the way
they wear it nowadays.
Yeah, it's
pretty hard to tell
who's a boy
and who's a girl
unless you happen
to be one of them.
I read a book
about that once.
I'd be very happy to have
your niece join the--
it's my nephew.
Oh, is he here, too?
No. I don't have a niece.
I have a nephew.
Well, whatever
she is,
you think he or she
would like to join?
Join what?
The hypas--
that's the hooterville
young people's
agricultural society.
Not to be confused
with the pypas.
That's the pixley
young people's
agricultural society.
Then there's
the cypas.
That's
the crabwell corners--
I don't think Charles
is the hypas type.
Everybody's
the hypas type.
I joined
when I was 8.
Well, I was really 6,
but I lied about
the corn I was growing.
That doesn't make sense.
Oh, yes, it does.
When I was 6 years old,
i wanted to...
No, I guess it doesn't.
Well, anyway, you talk
to the, uh, little one
and find out
how they think about it.
I'll talk to him.
Oh, hello,
Mr. kimball.
Darling,
would you hold this?
Oh, no, thanks.
I've already had lunch.
Oh, they're not
for you.
Oh.
Oh, but you're welcome
to have one.
Oh, well,
thank you.
What are they?
Hotcake sandwiches.
Hotcake sandwiches?
Yes. Two hotcakes with
one hotcake in between.
Here, have one.
In between?
Well, it isn't
a sandwich
unless something
is in between.
Mr. kimball?
Look, even if you had
lunch, try one.
You may never have
this experience again.
Oh...
Thank you.
I'll eat it
on my way home.
No, I'm not going home.
I'm going over to...
Well, I'll eat it
by the time I get there.
Darling, would you like
to have a hotcake sandwich?
Oh, no. I've got
to fix the tractor here.
Ah. Well,
what's wrong with it?
What's wrong with it?
The carburetor is clogged,
the transmission
is out,
the differential is jammed,
the drive shaft is bent,
and the block
is cracked.
Well, if you had so many
things wrong with you,
you wouldn't run
either.
Well, I'm on my way.
Where are you
going with those?
I'm taking this
to the boys.
No, no. Oh, no.
They'll come in
when they're hungry.
Let them work.
Well, they've been
working all morning,
and Chuck Charles isn't
used to digging ditches.
Yes. That's what's
wrong with him.
It's time he did
an honest day's work.
The manual labor
will be good for him--
build his character.
[Motorcycle engine
revving]
[Screech]
Hi, uncle Ollie.
Hi,
Mrs. aunt chick.
What the...
I thought you were...
Where have you been?
Well, we went
into town
to check the scene
for a little local action,
and, man,
it is deadsville.
Yeah.
Spook city.
Why aren't you
out there digging?
Oh, digging? Well, I meant
to tell you about that.
See, as soon as I bent down
to pick up my shovel,
whack--my sacroiliac
went right out.
[Snaps fingers]
And mine went with his.
Both at once?
Yeah, something
like that.
Well, I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.
I don't want you
to hurt your backs,
so I'm going to give you
something easy.
Now both of you
get up on the barn there
and tar-paper
that roof!
How does he think
these things up?
I don't know, but
he's pretty good at it.
Get to work!
But, Oliver,
the boys didn't have
their lunch yet.
They can have it
at dinner.
Well, if they fall over
from malsubscription,
it's your fault.
Hey, unc...
Where'd you get
this thing from, Ben hur?
This is a tractor.
Oh.
What does it do?
Right now, nothing.
[Clank]
Ooh, easy on her,
easy.
An engine is
a very delicate thing.
Hmm. Now...
If I was to take this
feed line off of the carb,
and I was to run it
into the intake manifold,
then maybe...
Do you think you could
get this running?
Holy camshaft,
uncle Ollie.
don't you have any faith
in the younger generation?
Well, how's it
going?
Cool, man.
I got the pot tuned up
like a $9 watch.
Oh?
Can I start it?
You better wait.
Why?
Eb's sleeping
under there.
Sleeping? Hey, come on,
get out of there.
This has sure been
a tough day.
Go ahead, unc.
Let's fire it up.
Switch on?
Switch on.
[Engine revving]
Whoo.
Chuck, you're
a shaggy genius.
Yeah. Why don't you take it
out for a little spin, unc?
Better watch it,
though.
I got that gear box
wound pretty tight.
I know how to drive this.
I've been driving this--
[engine revs]
Wowee, look
at him go. Whoo!
Out of sight
in 2 seconds flat.
He must be doing 70.
80 miles an hour
on a tractor?
When I caught him,
he was just shifting
into second.
Well, what have you
got to say
for yourself,
lead foot?
It's not my fault,
your honor.
The tractor
was souped up.
Oh, you had
a souped-up tractor?
Well, I'm surprised
you're not wearing
one of those
long haircuts.
I didn't mean
to go that fast.
Then why
didn't you stop
when I first
flagged you down?
I didn't have
any brakes.
Well, I guess
to hot rodders like you
brakes are a little bit
old fashioned.
But, your honor--
$25.
And to top it all,
that judge fined me $25.
Serves you right for going
that fast in a tractor.
I didn't try
to go that fast.
Well, how fast
did you try to go?
It's all the fault
of that Chuck.
He's going to have
to work off that fine.
You know, I'm going
to have a long talk
with that nephew
of yours.
He's your nephew.
I just gave him
to you.
[Engine puttering]
[Boom]
Haney:
Howdy, Mr. Douglas.
Not now.
I'm in a hurry.
All right,
I'll wait here...
For the $42.50.
$42.50?
What for?
Damages incurred
by your runaway tractor.
Damages?
You went by my place
this morning
doing 90 miles an hour.
80 miles an hour.
Well, when you did,
you tore out a half
a mile of fence.
Fence?
I guess
you didn't see.
Your eyes must've been
full of goose feathers.
What are you
talking about?
You went through
my whole flock of geese--
denuded
every one of them.
I didn't hit
any geese.
Then why are they
standing out there
a-shiverin'
and a-honkin'?
The way I figure it,
there's $10
for the fence,
12.50 for the geese,
$20 for the bull...
Bull?
My prize brahma.
don't tell me
i denuded him, too.
No, you stampeded him.
He run clear over to
Ben Miller's place and back.
He lost 10 pounds.
Beef sells
at $2.00 a pound.
That's $20,
making a grand total
of $42.50.
$42.50?
Aha.
Could we make that
an even amount?
Sure.
Here's, uh,
50 cents.
Mr. Douglas, I guess
I'll just have to sue you
for the whole amount.
Well, you just go
right ahead,
and you sue me.
And remember
what happened
the last time
you sued me.
You didn't get
a nickel,
and you won't get
a nickel this time.
I'm a little tired
of you--
that'll be another $30,
Mr. Douglas.
What for?
My motor won't start.
You're blaming that
on me?
It happened
on your property.
[Boom]
Say, unc, could I...
Wow.
That's a real winner.
The girl knows
a mechanical wonder
when she sees it.
This girl
is my nephew.
Howdy, honey.
Unc...
No, it's all right.
He's a little
nearsighted.
Look, do you think
you could get
Mr. haney's
engine running?
Oh, yeah. I might have
to kipe a few parts.
Well, whatever
you have to do, do it,
because it's costing
Mr. haney a lot of money
to park here
at a dollar an hour.
A dollar an hour?
I'm not paying you--
then move
your truck.
I can't.
How would you like
a $42.50 repair job?
Sold.
All right. Do you think
you can make it run?
Sure.
All you need's
a new engine.
Who stole my engine?
What's the matter,
darling?
Somebody stole
my engine.
Nobody stole
anything.
Chuck Charles put it
in Mr. haney's truck.
What?
Well, you told him to kipe
whatever he needed,
so he kiped
the engine.
Hey, what
does that mean?
Oh, it means...
Of all the stupid...
Where are you
going?
I'm going over
to haney's...
To get my motor back.
Do you know how
to ride that thing?
Oh, there's
nothing to it.
All you got to do is...
[Engine revving]
110 miles an hour
on a motorcycle?
But--
the tractor wasn't fast
enough for you, huh?
Your honor--
what are you
trying next?
A jet skateboard?
Your honor,
i can explain.
Oliver: Now, you see,
my nephew...
Your honor, I got
another one for you.
Oh? And
what did he do?
95 in a 1926
pickup truck.
Mr. Douglas, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
You turned me
into a criminal.
Me?
Your honor,
I stand before you
with an unblemished record,
and this man--
quiet.
This time, your fine
will be $35.
25 for you.
Your honor, Mr. Douglas
will be glad to pay my fine.
Why should I pay
your fine?
It was your truck.
Yes, but it was
your motor.
Oh, darling, would you
like to have some coffee?
Oh, yes, thank you.
Have you got a cup?
No.
[Knocks]
Hi there. Just thought
I'd come in to say
that I was splitting
the scene.
Aw.
Oliver: What?
That's right.
I'm cutting out.
Arriverdercisville.
What?
don't tell me
you're leaving.
That's right.
I--
you mean
you've got to go?
Yeah.
You can't.
Oh, no, you can't--
well--
you mustn't.
It's just that there's too
much excitement around here.
Well, if your mind's
made up--
maybe we can
change it.
No, no, I wouldn't
want to do that.
Here you are,
Chuck.
Oh, well,
i don't need any bread.
Take it, take it.
Make a down payment
on a haircut.
Any time
you want to come back
you're more than
welcome.
Thank you very much.
Any time, Chuck,
any time. Bye.
Oh, darling,
you shoved him out.
Who, me?
Oh, no.
He had to go.
Got to get home.
Besides, if he stayed
here too long,
he'd be a bad
influence on eb.
Eb:
No, he wouldn't.
I'm still my same
little square self.
How does this grab you,
uncle Ollie?
Oh, for...
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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling,
i love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Oliver, breakfast!
[Tapping]
Darling, darling,
your breakfast
is almost ready.
Oh, yes, thank you, but
i wanted to finish this...
Oh, say, here, here.
That's my hotcake batter.
Yes. I just want
to see if it'll...
Oh, hey, it does.
No wonder I get that heavy
feeling after breakfast.
That's your fault.
Why do you eat it?
I need some more
of the...
Eb: Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
[Thud]
Oh!
[Crash]
What the--
hey, you started
the fireplace.
You got one brick up
already.
They were all up
until you barged in.
Here's a letter for you,
Mrs. Douglas.
No wonder
they didn't stick.
Your cement's too thin.
Oh, that's
hotcake batter.
Oh, then
it's too thick.
What's too thick?
Nothing.
Who's the letter from?
Cynthia.
Gee, how is she?
I haven't seen her
in a long while.
Is she still--
do you know Cynthia?
No.
Who is she?
She happens to be
my sister.
Oh, that's who she is.
I didn't recognize
her handwriting.
Oh? What has she
got to say?
Oh, Charles is coming
next Thursday.
Oh, boy,
good old Charles.
I haven't seen him
since--
do you know Charles?
No.
Who is he?
My nephew.
What do you mean,
Charles is coming to visit?
Well, last time
i wrote to your sister,
I invited him.
What for?
Well, I couldn't think
of anything else to say.
When is Charles
getting here?
Thursday, so we'll
give him a nice party,
and then on Friday,
we're going to take him to--
we don't have
to entertain him.
Well, what is
the poor boy going to do?
He can help eb.
Oh, boy, I always
wanted my own flunky.
Eb.
A guy I can shove around
like you shove me around.
If you don't--
darling, where is he
going to sleep?
He can share
eb's room.
I've already got somebody
sharing my room.
Who?
Eloise.
What?
My pet turtle.
Out.
I'm going.
Out!
I'm gone!
[Crows]
[Rooster crows]
[Engine revving]
[Crash]
Oh!
[Motorcycle engine
idling]
[Engine revving]
What was that?
I don't know, but wait
until I get my hands
on that chowderhead.
[Thud]
[Engine revving]
Shut that off,
you chowderhead!
What are you doing?
Shut that thing off.
You stupid?
Uncle Ollie.
Oh, don't touch me.
don't you
recognize me?
I'm your nephew Chuck.
Chuck?
I didn't expect you to...
Oh, what happened
to that little boy...
When you were young,
your hair didn't come...
Do you have
any identification?
Identification?
Darling,
what was all that...
Oh, hello, young lady.
No.
She's not a...
He's...
It's my nephew.
Oh. Hello, Charles.
I am your aunt Lisa
through
your mother's brother.
You really
shot yourself down
a real bird,
uncle Ollie.
Oh, well,
thank you, Charles.
Chuck.
Chuck what?
Chuck.
It's my nickname.
Oh, well,
whoever you are,
we are delighted
you came.
Yes. It's nice of you
to drop in.
Now, if you're ever
in the neighborhood again,
let us know.
No, darling.
Your sister said
that he would like to stay
with us for a while.
Oh, well, come along,
Chuck Charles.
I'll make you breakfast.
Well, I might go
for a little Espresso.
Uh, wouldn't you like
to clean up a little bit
before you go
into the house?
Like, say, ahem,
get a haircut?
You putting me on?
I just got it cut
yesterday.
Come along.
I'll make you breakfast,
and then later on,
I'll show you
where you're going
to sleep.
Sorry about this, Eloise,
but we're having company.
You'll have to sleep out
for a while.
Lisa: Eb!
Here, darling.
There.
Man, what
a ring-a-ding staircase.
Eb, I want you
to meet
my nephew-in-law
Chuck Charles.
Just plain Chuck.
Howdy.
I'm just plain eb.
Want to help me
feed my turtle?
Oh, I really splashed
down in Hicksville.
What'd he say?
I don't know.
He came from Chicago,
and that's the way
they talk there.
Oh.
Oh, well, I'll leave you
2 boys to get acquainted.
Well, might as well
make yourself at home.
Want to hang up
your coat and hair?
Oh, that's a real
knee slapper.
Uh, where do i
flake out?
Boy, you sure talk funny
in Chicago.
Look, lil abner,
where do I pile the bones?
You know, sleep.
Oh, you share the bed
with me.
Ok.
Hey, watch it!
[Thud]
Ooh!
You could've
flattened Henry.
[Thud]
Ahh!
What are you,
some kind of animal nut?
No. Animals
are my hobby.
If you want, we can go
over to the creek tonight
and get one of these
for you.
Oh, that sounds like
a gassy evening.
Tell me, what else do you do
around here for kicks?
Well, we can
sit around and listen
to my record
collection.
What kind of records?
Oh, dizzy Gillespie,
Dave brubeck,
Tijuana brass.
Do those cats
turn you on?
Oh, yeah.
They're neato, man.
Neato?
You just killed
the whole effect.
[Hums
green acres theme]
[Splash splash]
[Continues humming]
[Splash splash]
[Continues humming]
[Splash splash]
[Moos]
Hello, eb.
Oh, good morning,
Eleanor, darling.
[Moos]
[Softly]
Morning, miss Douglas.
What's the matter
with your voice?
Nothing. Chuck's
still asleep upstairs.
Oh, the poor boy.
He's probably very tired,
riding all the way from
Chicago on his sickle-cycle.
It wasn't that.
He was up half the night
changing my record
player into a hi-fi.
Oh, that's very nice.
What's nice?
Shh!
What's nice?
Well, what Chuck Charles
did last night.
Underneath
all that hair,
he's
a pretty nice kid.
Well, I'm glad
you like him.
Why are we whispering?
He's still asleep.
Asleep?
He's asleep?
It's past 6:00!
What does he think this is,
a country club? Chuck!
Ahh! Unh.
Cock-a-doodle-do,
unc.
Morning,
aunt chick.
Good morning,
Chuck Charles.
Did you sleep well?
Uh, no, not too good.
That frog
had pretty cold feet.
Chuck...
What are you people
doing up so early?
I mean, did your electric
blanket blow a fuse?
This is a farm...
Mm-hmm.
And on a farm,
people get up early.
Why?
Yeah, why?
I was wondering
about that, too.
Lisa.
In the city, I always
slept until noon.
Chuck says he sleeps
until 2:00 in the afternoon.
He's going to teach me
how to do it.
If there's one thing
you don't need,
that's lazy lessons.
Now, get to work.
Yes, sir.
Now, Chuck,
this is a farm,
and you got to learn
that on a farm
you're expected
to pitch in
and do your share of...
Look, you wouldn't
consider
getting a haircut,
would you?
Now, you've got
to learn
that I expect you
to help around here.
There's certain chores
you've got to do.
Now, if you want
to stay around here,
you've got
to do them. Here.
How do you play
this thing?
It hasn't got
any strings on it.
Eb will show you.
Ok, where do I go?
The other side
of the corn field.
That's pretty far. I think
I'd better take my cycle.
You wouldn't think
of walking?
And get my boots
dusty?
After sleeping until
2:00 in the afternoon,
then what'd you do?
Oh, I'd usually
slip on my threads,
hop on my cycle,
and cut out
for the coffee house.
Boy, that's what
i call living.
Yeah. It does
kind of tire you out,
but you get used to it.
I'm used to it
already.
When are we going
to dig that ditch?
Man, you are sick.
Listen, you start
fooling around
with this shovel stuff,
and you're going to wind up
in blisterville.
Mr. Douglas
gets pretty mad
if you don't do something
he tells you to.
He can't help it.
All kooks are like that.
Well, after we finish
not digging the ditch,
what else
ain't we going to do?
Well, I figured
we'd take us a little nap,
then we'd hop on
the cycle, and we'd...
Where's the action
around here?
Hooterville.
Oh.
Sorry.
Man, what are you
doing?
Whittling.
It's kind of
an unwritten law.
When you sit in front
of the general store,
you're supposed
to whittle.
That way if
any tourists come by,
it gives the town
a nice rustic effect.
I thought you said this is
where the action is.
It is. If you sit here
long enough,
every pretty girl
in hooterville walks by.
Well, we have been sitting
here for 3 hours now,
and, like, nobody
has crossed my path.
Well, Tuesday's
a slow day.
This is Friday.
It is? That's even
slower than Tuesday.
Man, isn't there anything
to do in this town?
Want to go over
to the depot
and watch the 12:00
train come in?
It's 3:00.
It is? Gosh,
it's 2 minutes late.
No, thanks, man.
That's a little
too crazy for me.
Morning,
Mr. Douglas.
Hi, Mr. kimball.
Yeah. Sure is
a nice day, isn't it?
Oh, what's nice
about it?
Well, it seems
kind of nice.
It's not raining.
At least I...
No, it's not
raining.
Of course,
if the wind shifted...
What are you doing?
I'm trying to get
my motor fixed.
Mind if i
have a look?
Go ahead.
I happen to be
pretty good with motors.
Oh, boy.
Hopeless?
Oh, I wouldn't
say that.
If you get yourself
a new...
Or change the...
Think we could push it
over to a junkyard?
Mr. kimball, I have
got to get this--
oh, well, go on.
Have to what?
Fix the motor!
Oh, I don't think
i can do that.
I just remembered
why I came over.
It was to...
Wait. I have
a memo on it.
Oh, yes. I heard
your niece was staying here,
and I thought maybe
she'd like to--
not my niece.
It's my nephew.
Oh, well, I heard
she had hair down to...
Yeah, yeah. That's the way
they wear it nowadays.
Yeah, it's
pretty hard to tell
who's a boy
and who's a girl
unless you happen
to be one of them.
I read a book
about that once.
I'd be very happy to have
your niece join the--
it's my nephew.
Oh, is he here, too?
No. I don't have a niece.
I have a nephew.
Well, whatever
she is,
you think he or she
would like to join?
Join what?
The hypas--
that's the hooterville
young people's
agricultural society.
Not to be confused
with the pypas.
That's the pixley
young people's
agricultural society.
Then there's
the cypas.
That's
the crabwell corners--
I don't think Charles
is the hypas type.
Everybody's
the hypas type.
I joined
when I was 8.
Well, I was really 6,
but I lied about
the corn I was growing.
That doesn't make sense.
Oh, yes, it does.
When I was 6 years old,
i wanted to...
No, I guess it doesn't.
Well, anyway, you talk
to the, uh, little one
and find out
how they think about it.
I'll talk to him.
Oh, hello,
Mr. kimball.
Darling,
would you hold this?
Oh, no, thanks.
I've already had lunch.
Oh, they're not
for you.
Oh.
Oh, but you're welcome
to have one.
Oh, well,
thank you.
What are they?
Hotcake sandwiches.
Hotcake sandwiches?
Yes. Two hotcakes with
one hotcake in between.
Here, have one.
In between?
Well, it isn't
a sandwich
unless something
is in between.
Mr. kimball?
Look, even if you had
lunch, try one.
You may never have
this experience again.
Oh...
Thank you.
I'll eat it
on my way home.
No, I'm not going home.
I'm going over to...
Well, I'll eat it
by the time I get there.
Darling, would you like
to have a hotcake sandwich?
Oh, no. I've got
to fix the tractor here.
Ah. Well,
what's wrong with it?
What's wrong with it?
The carburetor is clogged,
the transmission
is out,
the differential is jammed,
the drive shaft is bent,
and the block
is cracked.
Well, if you had so many
things wrong with you,
you wouldn't run
either.
Well, I'm on my way.
Where are you
going with those?
I'm taking this
to the boys.
No, no. Oh, no.
They'll come in
when they're hungry.
Let them work.
Well, they've been
working all morning,
and Chuck Charles isn't
used to digging ditches.
Yes. That's what's
wrong with him.
It's time he did
an honest day's work.
The manual labor
will be good for him--
build his character.
[Motorcycle engine
revving]
[Screech]
Hi, uncle Ollie.
Hi,
Mrs. aunt chick.
What the...
I thought you were...
Where have you been?
Well, we went
into town
to check the scene
for a little local action,
and, man,
it is deadsville.
Yeah.
Spook city.
Why aren't you
out there digging?
Oh, digging? Well, I meant
to tell you about that.
See, as soon as I bent down
to pick up my shovel,
whack--my sacroiliac
went right out.
[Snaps fingers]
And mine went with his.
Both at once?
Yeah, something
like that.
Well, I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.
I don't want you
to hurt your backs,
so I'm going to give you
something easy.
Now both of you
get up on the barn there
and tar-paper
that roof!
How does he think
these things up?
I don't know, but
he's pretty good at it.
Get to work!
But, Oliver,
the boys didn't have
their lunch yet.
They can have it
at dinner.
Well, if they fall over
from malsubscription,
it's your fault.
Hey, unc...
Where'd you get
this thing from, Ben hur?
This is a tractor.
Oh.
What does it do?
Right now, nothing.
[Clank]
Ooh, easy on her,
easy.
An engine is
a very delicate thing.
Hmm. Now...
If I was to take this
feed line off of the carb,
and I was to run it
into the intake manifold,
then maybe...
Do you think you could
get this running?
Holy camshaft,
uncle Ollie.
don't you have any faith
in the younger generation?
Well, how's it
going?
Cool, man.
I got the pot tuned up
like a $9 watch.
Oh?
Can I start it?
You better wait.
Why?
Eb's sleeping
under there.
Sleeping? Hey, come on,
get out of there.
This has sure been
a tough day.
Go ahead, unc.
Let's fire it up.
Switch on?
Switch on.
[Engine revving]
Whoo.
Chuck, you're
a shaggy genius.
Yeah. Why don't you take it
out for a little spin, unc?
Better watch it,
though.
I got that gear box
wound pretty tight.
I know how to drive this.
I've been driving this--
[engine revs]
Wowee, look
at him go. Whoo!
Out of sight
in 2 seconds flat.
He must be doing 70.
80 miles an hour
on a tractor?
When I caught him,
he was just shifting
into second.
Well, what have you
got to say
for yourself,
lead foot?
It's not my fault,
your honor.
The tractor
was souped up.
Oh, you had
a souped-up tractor?
Well, I'm surprised
you're not wearing
one of those
long haircuts.
I didn't mean
to go that fast.
Then why
didn't you stop
when I first
flagged you down?
I didn't have
any brakes.
Well, I guess
to hot rodders like you
brakes are a little bit
old fashioned.
But, your honor--
$25.
And to top it all,
that judge fined me $25.
Serves you right for going
that fast in a tractor.
I didn't try
to go that fast.
Well, how fast
did you try to go?
It's all the fault
of that Chuck.
He's going to have
to work off that fine.
You know, I'm going
to have a long talk
with that nephew
of yours.
He's your nephew.
I just gave him
to you.
[Engine puttering]
[Boom]
Haney:
Howdy, Mr. Douglas.
Not now.
I'm in a hurry.
All right,
I'll wait here...
For the $42.50.
$42.50?
What for?
Damages incurred
by your runaway tractor.
Damages?
You went by my place
this morning
doing 90 miles an hour.
80 miles an hour.
Well, when you did,
you tore out a half
a mile of fence.
Fence?
I guess
you didn't see.
Your eyes must've been
full of goose feathers.
What are you
talking about?
You went through
my whole flock of geese--
denuded
every one of them.
I didn't hit
any geese.
Then why are they
standing out there
a-shiverin'
and a-honkin'?
The way I figure it,
there's $10
for the fence,
12.50 for the geese,
$20 for the bull...
Bull?
My prize brahma.
don't tell me
i denuded him, too.
No, you stampeded him.
He run clear over to
Ben Miller's place and back.
He lost 10 pounds.
Beef sells
at $2.00 a pound.
That's $20,
making a grand total
of $42.50.
$42.50?
Aha.
Could we make that
an even amount?
Sure.
Here's, uh,
50 cents.
Mr. Douglas, I guess
I'll just have to sue you
for the whole amount.
Well, you just go
right ahead,
and you sue me.
And remember
what happened
the last time
you sued me.
You didn't get
a nickel,
and you won't get
a nickel this time.
I'm a little tired
of you--
that'll be another $30,
Mr. Douglas.
What for?
My motor won't start.
You're blaming that
on me?
It happened
on your property.
[Boom]
Say, unc, could I...
Wow.
That's a real winner.
The girl knows
a mechanical wonder
when she sees it.
This girl
is my nephew.
Howdy, honey.
Unc...
No, it's all right.
He's a little
nearsighted.
Look, do you think
you could get
Mr. haney's
engine running?
Oh, yeah. I might have
to kipe a few parts.
Well, whatever
you have to do, do it,
because it's costing
Mr. haney a lot of money
to park here
at a dollar an hour.
A dollar an hour?
I'm not paying you--
then move
your truck.
I can't.
How would you like
a $42.50 repair job?
Sold.
All right. Do you think
you can make it run?
Sure.
All you need's
a new engine.
Who stole my engine?
What's the matter,
darling?
Somebody stole
my engine.
Nobody stole
anything.
Chuck Charles put it
in Mr. haney's truck.
What?
Well, you told him to kipe
whatever he needed,
so he kiped
the engine.
Hey, what
does that mean?
Oh, it means...
Of all the stupid...
Where are you
going?
I'm going over
to haney's...
To get my motor back.
Do you know how
to ride that thing?
Oh, there's
nothing to it.
All you got to do is...
[Engine revving]
110 miles an hour
on a motorcycle?
But--
the tractor wasn't fast
enough for you, huh?
Your honor--
what are you
trying next?
A jet skateboard?
Your honor,
i can explain.
Oliver: Now, you see,
my nephew...
Your honor, I got
another one for you.
Oh? And
what did he do?
95 in a 1926
pickup truck.
Mr. Douglas, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
You turned me
into a criminal.
Me?
Your honor,
I stand before you
with an unblemished record,
and this man--
quiet.
This time, your fine
will be $35.
25 for you.
Your honor, Mr. Douglas
will be glad to pay my fine.
Why should I pay
your fine?
It was your truck.
Yes, but it was
your motor.
Oh, darling, would you
like to have some coffee?
Oh, yes, thank you.
Have you got a cup?
No.
[Knocks]
Hi there. Just thought
I'd come in to say
that I was splitting
the scene.
Aw.
Oliver: What?
That's right.
I'm cutting out.
Arriverdercisville.
What?
don't tell me
you're leaving.
That's right.
I--
you mean
you've got to go?
Yeah.
You can't.
Oh, no, you can't--
well--
you mustn't.
It's just that there's too
much excitement around here.
Well, if your mind's
made up--
maybe we can
change it.
No, no, I wouldn't
want to do that.
Here you are,
Chuck.
Oh, well,
i don't need any bread.
Take it, take it.
Make a down payment
on a haircut.
Any time
you want to come back
you're more than
welcome.
Thank you very much.
Any time, Chuck,
any time. Bye.
Oh, darling,
you shoved him out.
Who, me?
Oh, no.
He had to go.
Got to get home.
Besides, if he stayed
here too long,
he'd be a bad
influence on eb.
Eb:
No, he wouldn't.
I'm still my same
little square self.
How does this grab you,
uncle Ollie?
Oh, for...
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