Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 31 - Culture - full transcript

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment

Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Theme music playing]

Howdy Mrs. Douglas.

Doggone,
you look as pretty

as a $350 judgment

against
your husband.

Thank you.
Mr. haney...



You got the money
with you

in that suitcase?

No, I haven't.

Why not?

Because you're not
gonna win the case.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

With you.

Oh, no.
You sit over there.

Well, I want to sit
with you.

That's
the attorney's table.

I am
the attorney's wife.

You're a witness.
You sit over there.

Well, I can see
better up here.

No.

Well, Mr. haney's
sitting up here.

Mr. haney's involved
in the case.

He's suing me.

I hope he wins.

[Smack]

Lisa.

Have you met
my high-priced lawyer?

Oh, no, I haven't.

This here is
diller fangworth.

How do you do?
Howdy.

Mr. Douglas, who's
representing you?

I'm representing myself.

He's an a-ttorney.

He is? How come
i never saw you

in the saloon
across the street?

The saloon?

All the real lawyers
hang out there.

Well, I'm a real lawyer.

Where'd you go
to law school?

Harvard.

You ever
graduate?

Of course I graduated.

Then why don't you
hang out at the saloon

across the street?

Mr. haney:
Mr. Douglas...

This is
your last chance

to settle out of court.

No, thank you.

[Music playing]

What's he doing?

Warmin' up.

[Snap, snap]

Ain't that
a great imitation

of Spencer Tracy?

Spencer--

the judge's
fav-o-rite actor.

Darling, why are you
taking your coat off?

don't you see
what he's doing?

He's trying to make me
look like a city dude.

Well, you are.

Hear ye, hear ye.

The pixley superior
municipal court

is now in session.

Judge clemens presiding.

All rise for the judge.

[Music playing]

What's the first
case, Henry?

Haney vs. Douglas.

Ahem.
Plaintiff ready?

Ready,
your honor.

Judge:
The defendant ready?

Ready, your honor.

Who are you?

Uh, I'm the defendant--

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Are you represented
by council?

Uh, no, sir.

If you can't afford
an attorney,

the court will be glad
to appoint one.

Uh, no, your honor.
I don't need an attorney.

I am an attorney.

You are?

Yes, sir.

How come
i never saw you

across the street
in the saloon?

You're acting
in your own behalf?

I am, sir.

Then put on your coat!
This is a court of law.

Mr. fangworth
doesn't have his on.

Diller, put your coat on.

But, your honor--

I've seen your imitation

of Spencer Tracy.

Now, let me see if
i understand this correctly.

Uh, Mr. haney,

you're suing Mr. Douglas
for $350

for services which you claim
you rendered

and he claims
you did not.

I rendered 'em.

No, he didn't.

Order!

Gentlemen, there's
an established procedure

for trying a case.

Haven't you ever seen
Perry Mason?

Mr. fangworth,

would you present
your opening statement?

Yes, your honor.

[Music playing]

As you know,
for a period of 92 days,

there was no rain
in the hooterville valley.

My client Mr. haney,

being aware
of the great hardship

this drought was working
on the hooterville farmers,

offered to make it rain

out of the goodness
of his heart for $350.

[Harp plays]

Mr. Douglas contracted
with Mr. haney

for said rain,

which was delivered
in the recent cloudbursts,

which saved the crops.

But when Mr. haney

presented his bill
for his services,

Mr. Douglas refused payment,

saying that Mr. haney
did not induce the rain.

Now, we intend to prove
that he did.

[Snap]

I thank you.

Mr. Douglas.

Your honor...

Your honor,

uh, I will not deny

that I made a contract
with Mr. haney.

However, I'll prove
that it was not Mr. haney

who made it rain,
but my wife Lisa.

Uh, that's me,
your honor.

You see, my husband--

madam, would you mind
being seated?

I talk better
standing up.

Lisa, you'll get
a chance

to tell your story when
i call you as a witness.

Well, I thought
if I told it now,

it would save some time,

so the judge could go
across the street

to the saloon
with his friends.

The court appreciates
your concern.

Call your first
witness, diller.

Yes, sir, that's right.
I'm Mr. Douglas' hired hand.

I've worked
for him for--

would you mind
removing your hat?

It goes
with the outfit!

Take it off!

Yes, sir.

Now, eb,
i want you--

does my hair
look all right?

It looks fine, fine.

I want you to tell
the court

in your own words
exactly what happened

a month ago today.

Let me see.

That was the 86th day
with no rain.

Everything was pretty dry,

and the vultures
were circlin' overhead.

[Squawking]

I wonder which one of us
they're after.

Oh, they're not--

probably you. You got
more meat on your bones.

Eb, how do you know
they're vultures?

Care to lie down
and see what happens?

I think that's
the same squadron

that was here
for the 1960 drought.

Yeah, I recognize
that one!

That's Charlie.

Hey, he grew a new beak.

He broke his other one
peckin' at my uncle.

Eb, it's too hot
for these silly jokes.

Look at this corn.

Isn't there anything
we can do to save it?

How about gettin'
down on our knees

and facin'
the jolly green giant?

Eb, will you--

well, sir,
when I picked myself up--

Mr. Douglas hit you?

No, sir.
I made the mistake

of turnin' my back
on Charlie,

and he swooped down
and knocked me flat.

You just tell us
what happened

after Mr. Douglas'
trained vulture

knocked you down.

I object, your honor.

The council for the plaintiff
has no right to imply

that I had any connection
with any vulture.

We're gonna get
to that, your honor.

What do you intend to do,
bring the vulture into court

and question him?

Was you listenin'
at our office door?

I don't Eve know
where your office is.

Order.
Objection sustained.

Go on with
your questioning.

What happened
after you came in

from the field?

Do I have to tell him?

Yes.

It ain't gonna
make you look good.

Young man,
answer the question.

Will you help me find
another job, judge?

Would you like 30 days
on the county work farm?

No, sir.

When we came in
from the field,

Mrs. Douglas
was talkin' to Rudolph.

Good morning, Rudolph.

Aww, you look tired.

Didn't you sleep well
last night?

Well, neither did I.
It was too hot.

Oliver: Lisa?

Out here, darling!
That's my husband.

Who are you
talking to?

To Rudolph.

Rudolph?
Mm-hmm. Him.

He's a sunflow--

uh, it's a sunflower.

I know it.

You talk to him--
uh, it?

Well, of course I do.

Otherwise,
he thinks I'm a snob.

Uh, Lisa, come on.
You get inside here.

I think
the heat's got you.

Oh, no, darling.

I talked to Rudolph
before the heat got me.

What are you doing?

Giving him
his breakfast.

Lisa, that's water!

Well, that's
the only thing he eats.

You're wasting water
on a stupid sunflower?

Well, that's
a nice thing to say

after he went
to all the trouble

to grow out here.

I didn't ask Rudolph
to gr--

or, him to grow--
it to grow out here!

Lisa, if you want
to water something,

I've got acres of corn
out there crying for water.

Well, why don't you go
and water them?

There's no water.

We haven't had rain
for 86 days.

If you let me
water Rudolph every day,

we can have
all the rain we want.

What?

There is a story
in the old country--

if a sunflower grows
outside your back door,

and you water him
every day,

you can ask him
one favor,

and he has
to Grant it.

Otherwise, he's out
of the sunflowers.

Lisa, you go on
in the house.

Here, give me that.
Put a hat on.

Something to keep
the heat off.

Silly stories.
Where does she--

[music playing]

Rudolph, uh...

There he was, talking
to this sunflower,

pleadin' with him
to make it rain.

Pleading with a sunflower?

Yes, sir.
I told you

it wasn't gonna
make you look good.

Your honor, I object.
I fail to see

what this testimony
has to do with the case.

Your honor,
I'm just trying to show

that at the time
my client made it rain,

Mr. Douglas was in
no fit condition to judge

whether my client
made it rain or not.

To put it
in legal terms,

he was non compos
in his mentis.

The compos of my mentis
is not on trial.

I mean, whether or not
I'm compos is, uh--

it's irrelevant!

I move that I be stricken
from the record.

No, the remarks,
that is...Of.

Mr. Douglas, if you'd like
me to declare a recess...

No, thank you,
your honor.

Have you any more questions
for this witness?

No, your honor.
He's all yours.

No questions.

I have one--

am I still
workin' for you?

Step down.

[Music plays]

Bailiff...

Would you call
the next witness--

Hank kimball?

Hank kimball,
please take the stand.

Hank kimball.

Is Hank kimball
in the court?

Oh, that's me,
your bailiff.

Uh, your honor.

Will you please
come forward?

Yes, sir.

Oh, want a half

of a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich?

Mr. kimball,
take the stand.

Oh, yes, sir.

Raise your right hand.

Oh, it's full of
peanut butter and jelly.

Just raise it.

Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth?

Well...Would you mind
repeating that?

Mr. kimball.

Your honor, I don't want
to swear to something

that I'm not sure
what I'm swearing to.

All you're doing is
swearing to tell the truth.

I always tell
the truth.

Well, not always.

There was
this one time

when I came home
late for dinner,

and my mother
asked me if--

just say "i do"!

I do.

Uh, Mr. kimball,

you are
a county agent?

I do.

That ain't
a proper answer.

Well, don't tell me.
Tell the judge.

He told me to say
"i do", and I did.

That is, I did "i do."

Mr. kimball,
as a county agent,

it is your job to
advise the farmers

in this here
locality

on any farmin'
problems.

It is? Oh, heh.

Yes, I guess
you could say that.

Oh, you did say that.

Could you stick
to the pertinent facts?

Yes, sir.

What are they?

Has Mr. Douglas
ever come to you

with a farming
problem?

Objection. My problems are
not relevant in this case.

I beg to differ,
your honor.

What I am leadin' up to
is whether or not

you came to Mr. kimball
to get advice

on how to artificially
induce rain.

I admit that I did.

Did what?

Came to you.

Oh, that.

Yes, Mr. Douglas
came to me to find out

if he could
artificially induce rain,

and I told him he could--
by seeding the clouds.

Was this method
used?

No, sir.
Why not?

Well, we had everything
but the cloud.

There was no cloud?
No, sir.

And without clouds,
there can be no rain.

Well--

and yet,
my client Mr. haney

made it rain
without clouds.

Objection.

It has not been proven
that he made it rain.

We're gonna prove that,
your honor.

Well, I wish you'd
hurry up, diller.

I'm gettin' hungry.

Well, why don't we go
over to the saloon

and have a sandwich?

Court is recessed
for one hour for lunch.

[Music playing]

Mr. haney...

Now, I want you
to tell the--

you've got some mustard
on your chin, diller.

I want you to tell the court
in your own words

the events leading up to
this $350 lawsuit.

And remember
you're under oath.

Mr. Douglas,
that's an unkind remark.

In all of my dealings
with you,

have you ever known me
to be anything

but the soul of honesty?

As a matter of fact,
i have.

Well, that's not
why we're here.

Now, concernin' this big
drought-bustin' rain,

which Mr. Douglas
contracted for,

but never paid for--

objection.

Sustained.

Would you let me
run the court?

I apologize,
your honor.

Very well.

Oh, you've got
a little ketchup

on your cheek.

Well, sir,

it was the 78th day
of the drought,

and Mr. Douglas
was in a desperate mood.

In fact, he had
a hari-kari knife

in his hand.

This not
a hari-kari thing.

I was just cutting
some of the dead weeds.

I noticed your corn
as I drove in.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
What happened to it?

What happened?

It hasn't rained
for 78 days.

Where?

Here.

You haven't had
any rain here?

No, we haven't.

It pour over at
my place last night.

Oh, come on.

That's why
i come over--

to borrow your
life preserver

for my wife.

She's afraid to go
down in the cellar.

The water's
over her head.

How come it just rained
at your place?

don't you know?

Know what?

I got a rainmakin'
machine.

Ohh! There isn't
any such thing.

How.

Where's the, uh,
rainmaking machine?

You're lookin' at it.
Chief thundercloud.

The last of
the great rainmakers.

Ohh. You're not
gonna get--

[speaks native language]

Careful.
don't get him riled up,

or he'll float this farm
right out of the state.

Maybe out of country, too.

Me make heap big water
anytime I want.

[Chanting]

Not yet, chief.
We haven't made a deal.

[Stops chanting]

And you're
not going to.

Mr. Douglas,
before you say no--

I've already said no.

Uh, before
you say it again,

let me ask you--
are you familiar

with the sayin',
"dancing up a storm"?

I am.

Then let me show you
a few samples

of the chief's
handiwork.

Here is a specimen

collected from
a cloudburst

drummed up by the chief
in milltown, Montana.

For that, they make me
honorary paleface.

Say, that's
quite an honor.

You speak a big mouthful.

And this is
a 3-hour downpour

drummed up by the chief

on the outskirts
of modesto

while on his way
to a drought in Kansas.

Any kind of storm
you want, you name it,

and the chief
will produce it.

For $100,
he will make enough rain

to save all of your crops.

And, as a special
introductory offer,

he'll throw in
a rainbow

at the end
of the storm.

Uh-huh.

Out.

Out!

Very well.
But, Mr. Douglas,

in a couple of days,

you'll come beggin'
to me on your knees.

How.

Mr. Douglas wasn't
interested in your offer?

[Music plays]

[Music playing]

Mr. Douglas wasn't
interested in your offer?

Not right then.

But as the days
passed,

things got worse.

Creeks dried up,

and the riverbeds
didn't have

a trickle of water
in 'em.

The reservoir
was empty,

and just
as I predicted,

Mr. Douglas
came begging to me

on his knees.

Off your knees,
Mr. Douglas.

You don't have to beg.

I'm not begging.
I'm fixing the tractor.

don't seem much point.

Couple of more dry days,

and there won't be
nothin' left to tractor.

It seems a shame,
when you could have

all the water you need
danced up

for a poultry $100.

$150.

Oh, the price
has gone up.

The drier it gets,
the harder he's gotta work.

Look, I tell you
what I'll do--

I'll make you
a sporting proposition.

Double or nothing.

If he makes it rain,
$300.

Nothing if he doesn't.

350.

350?!

You no take advantage
of introductory offer.

Rainbow no longer free.

All right. 350.

[Chanting]

Oh! Hold it!
Hold it.

We don't want you
to get wet.

There's no sense
in ruining a good outfit.

Thank you,
thank you.

Uh, that'll be 25 cents
rental fee.

Twenty-fi--
[Sighs]

I'll take
the chance.

Come on,
get on with it!

Ok, chief.

[Chanting]

Any time now.

Keep it up, chief.

I think I felt
a couple of drops.

[Tired chanting]

[Panting]

[Speaks native language]

What did he say?

Uh, he wants to know

if he can have
a glass of water.

A gla--

out! Out!
Mr. Douglas--

get out! And take
sitting bull with you.

[Screams
in native language]

He threw you
and the chief out, eh?

Yes, sir.

Your honor,
i move for a dismissal.

We've heard
the plaintiff testify

that his so-called rainmaker
failed to make rain.

Diller, I'm afraid
Mr. Douglas is right.

All you proved is--

I have one more witness,
your honor.

Call chief thundercloud
to the stand.

After Mr. Douglas threw
you and Mr. haney out,

what happened?

Mr. haney,
he throw me out.

Then what did you do?

Me try to go back
to reservation,

but because they make me
honorary paleface

in milltown, Montana,

Indians don't let me in.

Where did you go then?

Me can't getum job
as rainmaker

because haney
take my drum.

So, me walk around,

look for job.

Me come to house,
knock on door,

pretty squaw come out.

Hello, there.
How.

How? Oh,
I'm Mrs. Douglas.

There's no how here.

"How" Indian word
for "hello, there."

Oh. How.

Hello, there.

What can I do for you?

Me broke.
Me needum job.

Aww.
Well, look around,

and anything that
needs doing, you do it.

Me do good job.

[Music playing]

Who was that?

An Indian man.

Did he have a drum?

No, just a hat
feather sticking in.

Oh. What'd he want?

He needed some work,
so I told him

to find something
to do.

Like what?

I don't know.

[Music playing]

He, cut that out!

Hey, what do you think
you're doing?

don't you know there's
a water shortage on?

Me washum car.

But you don't washum car
during a water shortage,

you shilly shioux--
sioux!

[Thunder]

Lisa! Lisa!

Lisa! It's raining!

It's raining! Lisa!

[Chanting]

And as soon as you started
chanting and dancing,

it started to rain.

You just not beatum
your tom-tom.

Step down.

That's
the plantiff's case.

Mr. Douglas?

Your honor, the plaintiff
claims that it was because

of chief thundercloud's
rain dance that it rained.

I claim that it was the act
of washing the car

that caused it to rain.

Everybody knows that
the minute you wash your car,

it rains!

I think that $350
is a little too much

for me to pay
to have my car washed.

Mr. Douglas,
are you claiming

that washing your car
made it rain?

Well, not really,
your honor,

but it makes as much sense
as a tired Indian

beating a tom-tom.

It certainly does.

Case dismissed.

Diller, save us a table
at the saloon.

[Music playing]

Oh, good morning,
Rudolph.

You don't say
good morning to me?

Oh, yes.
Good morning.

Rudolph, we have
plenty of water now,

so you can have all
you want to drink.

Still watering
Rudolph, huh?

Why not?
He certainly deserves it

after he made
all that rain.

Oh? He made it rain?

Yes, don't you remember
when I told you?

If you water a sunflower
every day

and you ask him nice
for water, he'll do it.

So I watered him
every day

and asked him nice,
and he didded it.

Uh-huh.
When did you do that?

When you were outside
yelling at the Indian

for washing your car.

Lisa, please.

You don't
believe it?

A little water,
please, Rudolph,

for the unbeliever.

[Music playing]

All right. Come on.

Where is it?

Eb, turn off that water!

Talk to Rudolph.

[Theme music playing]

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment