Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 30 - The Rains Came - full transcript

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment

Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪

♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪



♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Taps]

Order, order. Ladies,
please come to order.

This is your chairwoman
speaking.

This is the meeting

of the third Tuesday
of every month

culture committee

of the every other
Wednesday afternoon



discussion club.

Now, is there
any old culture to discuss?

No?

Well, then let's get on
with the new culture.

Point of order.

Madam chairwoman,
before we move on

to new culture,

parliamentary procedure
dictates

that minutes of
the last meeting be read,

discussed,
and approved.

Oh, who can do that?

The committee secretary,
miss Monroe.

Oh, well,
I'll get her.

Ralph.

Howdy doody.

Could we have you
for the minutes?

Permission
to leave the job?

Mr. Douglas will have
a temper tantrum.

Protect yourself.

How'd you get
so tall, eb?

Well, Horace,
when I was your age,

I used to stand
on my toes.

You mean like this?

That's it, Emory.

Oliver: Eb!

Eb!

Uh-oh.
Here comes my boss.

Eb, you're supposed
to be working.

Are you going
to hit him again?

What?

He told us
when he don't work,

you beat him
with a baseball bat.

Or an axe handle.

Eb, have I every
touched you in my life?

No, sir.

Then why do you go around
telling these wild tales?

It gives me
status.

Who are these boys
here?

That's Emory durkin,

and that's
Horace milford.

How are you,
boys?

Mrs. Douglas told me
to take care of the kids

during the committee
meeting.

They're talking
about culture.

You know
what culture is?

Well, it's--

that's right. It's
when you wash your hands

before you eat supper.

Uh, look, eb,

I'm not paying you
to baby-sit.

[Oinking]

What's that?

I'm pig-sitting, too.

Arnold?

Miss ziffel's giving me
a quarter an hour.

Unless he has
to sing to him.

Then he gets 35.

Well, they'll just have
to get somebody else

to do their
baby-sitting.

Lisa, banging gavel:
Please come to order.

I wouldn't go
in there

without a chair
and a whip.

I'm not afraid
of anyb--

oh, of all the...

[Thud]

Careful.
We're minors.

I know.

Boy, has he got
a temper.

[tv on]

[Thud]

I thought you were
going to fix this.

I'm working on it.

What do you think
you're doing?

I think I'm watching
television.

You're not being paid
to watch television.

Watch it.
I'm armed.

Where's your sister?

Which one?

How many
do you have?

Just one.

Then why--

where is she?

Reading the minutes

of the last culture
committee meeting.

She's supposed
to be working.

Ooh!

Howdy doody,
Mr. Douglas.

You got a cold?

No. When you opened
the door, you--

alf, are you wearing
my overalls?

What shade of lipstick
you use?

Peach.

No. Mmm.
These are mine.

Oh, come on, alf. I left
my notebook in the pocket.

I got to take the notes
of the meeting.

You're not supposed
to be taking--

you're sweet.

Did you find it?

No. The only thing
in the pockets

are your compact, your comb,
and your cigars.

Those aren't mine.

They're not mine.
I must--

oh, they must be mom's.

I don't care
whose they are.

I want you two
to get to work

on that closet door.

Right after
the meeting.

No. Wait a--ooh!

[Switches on tv]

Lisa.

Darling,
you have a cold?

No, no. I walked
into a door.

My Fred's always doing
that when he's stoned.

I'm not stoned.

I just came
to tell--

Mr. Douglas, you came in
at a historic moment.

Yes. The committee
has just voted

for the hootersville
symphony orchestra.

Oh, that--
the what?

The hootersville
symphony orchestra.

It's like
the Boston symphony.

Except in hootersville.

You're all nuts.

Oliver!

Aw, don't get mad
at him.

My Fred's always
saying mean things

when he's stoned.

I'm not stoned.

Well, then you didn't
have a right

to speak like that
about our minds.

I apologize,
but it's just

when you said
symphony orchestra,

that's 110 men.

You got to have a big
hall. You're all nuts.

Oliver!

Mr. Douglas,
we're starved

for the good
things in life.

Maybe you are,
but I got Arnold.

Mr. Douglas,
we want all the things

that make life
worthwhile--

like music,
to name a few.

Yes, but you--

would you believe
I've never heard

Beethoven's fifth symphony
by tchaikovsky?

Well, I don't think
I've heard that myself.

Well, then you could use
a symphony orchestra, too.

I guess, yeah,
i could, but--

what kind of a life
is it for a girl

who's never danced
a ballet?

Well--

ask me to sing a snatch
from madame butterfly

and see what happens.

Well, I hadn't
intended to,

but now that
you mention it--

it wouldn't do you any good.
I don't know it.

That's the point.

Look, there's nothing wrong
with trying to build up

the cultural climate
of the town,

but you're all
off your rockers.

Oliver!

Well, no,
i didn't mean...

All right, if you think
you can do it,

go ahead and try it.

We can do it.

And if you do, I'll buy
the first ticket

to the first concert.

That will be
a thousand dollars.

I'll give you 5.

don't worry, ladies.

If he plays
my cards right,

I'll get the rest of it.

Now, shall we adjourn
for some refreshments?

Oh, yeah. I'm starved
to death, Mrs. Douglas.

[Chattering]

Do you know how many
musicians you need

for a symphony
orchestra?

At least
a hundred and ten.

There aren't that many
people in hooterville.

Well?

Well, where are you
going to get them?

Didn't you ever hear
of wetbacks?

Oh, yeah,
that's a good idea.

Yeah. Smuggle in a couple
of damp oboe players.

Who made the cake?

How do you know
that I didn't?

It's so good.

Why couldn't i
make a good cake?

I don't know.
Why couldn't you?

You're not making
any friends.

I was just joking.

Help me
with the dishes.

What do you
want me to do?

Open the door.

[Dishes clatter]

Close the door.

Lisa, that's
no way to--

darling, why do we need
so many musicians

for a symphony
orchestra?

Well, you have to--

well, all there are
are wiolins,

wiolas,
and bass wiolas.

You're forgetting
the voodvinds.

No, I wasn't.

And then there is
the kerpussion instruments.

The what?

Well, you know,
when you hit everything

with the sticks--
boom boom.

Kerpussion instruments.

Oh, that's what
they are?

I wondered what that was.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me.
Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry,
darling.

That smarts.

Wait.
Hold it, hold it.

What's the matter?

Not out
the back door.

Oh, no, no. These go
into the dishwasher.

Oh? Why did you
dump the others?

What have you got against
a symphony orchestra?

Nothing.

Well, then, to answer
your question,

I dumped the others out
because I didn't know

that the dishwasher
was empty.

Oh.

Now will you answer
my question?

I forgot what it was.

Well, I haven't.

Why don't you want
a symphony orchestra?

It doesn't fit
hooterville.

Hooterville's the kind
of a small town

that should have
concerts in the park.

What is that?

Concert?
You don't...

Oh. Come here.

You know,
in the old days,

every small town had
a bandstand and a band,

and on Sunday,
all the fellas

would take
their best girls there,

and they'd listen
to the concert.

Well, why didn't you
take me?

Well, that was
in the 1890s.

Oh, you went
by yourself.

[Sighs]

Anyway, those must have
been wonderful days,

with a charm and
a simplicity all their own.

Can you imagine
Sunday afternoon in the park?

[Playing shakily]

What did you--

please. My mother
is very strict.

Isn't the music pretty?

Yes. Who are they,
the beach boys?

Lisa, you're
spoiling everything.

Why?

We're imagining this,

and you're talking
about a group

that won't be here
for a hundred years.

Well, as long as
you're imagining things,

couldn't you have
imagined me

in a more
expensive dress?

I imagined you in the most
expensive dress in town.

Or in a better town,
like New York?

Look, Lisa, if you don't
want to imagine this,

it's ok with me.

I'm sorry, Irving.

Irving?

You imagined me
in this dress.

I imagined
you're an Irving.

I'm an Oliver.

Couldn't you
change your name?

What for?

My mother
is very strict.

Ah, I see
a hot dog stand.

Are you hungry?
No.

Thirsty?
No.

What are you?

Sorry I came.

Oh, you're not
having a good time?

Mmm, sort of.

What would you
rather do?

My mother
is very strict.

I didn't say
she wasn't.

Then why do you
want to kiss me?

I didn't say I wanted
to kiss you, but...

There aren't any flies
on you, Harry.

Harry?

You don't kiss
like an Irving.

Would you like
to dance?

With whom?

With me.

You go ahead.
I'll watch.

And waste
all that good music?

What good music?

The band, you--

[music ends]

Those were
the good old days.

Well, if you
liked them so much,

why didn't you
stay there?

How could we?

We just imagined
what happened.

One thing
i liked about them.

What?

The way you kissed me
behind my parasol.

Oh?

You liked that, huh?

Please. My mother
is still very strict.

What are you
looking for?

A phone number.

Whose?

If I told you,
you'd only get mad.

No, I won't get mad.
Whose number?

Poopsie.

Who?

I told you
you'd get mad.

I don't know
any poopsie.

Sir Geoffrey wingate.

Here it is.

I don't
remember him.

don't you remember
the fight we had

on our honeymoon
in monte Carlo?

About what?

About sir Geoffrey.

You said he was
making eyes at me.

Oh, that no-good--

you're still jealous.

No, I'm not.

What are you
calling him for?

Well, he's in
the symphony business.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
So he said--conductor.

You're still jealous.

He's a phony.

No, he isn't.

Do you know that
he is the only man

who conducted the Budapest
symphony orchestra

in original Hungarian?

Big deal.

Well, anyway, that night
in monte Carlo,

poopsie and i
had a long talk.

Where was I?

Well, you were
at the baccarat table

losing
49 million francs.

What?

All of our
household money.

I didn't play
baccarat.

Well, then you were losing
at the roulette.

I didn't play
roulette.

Well, you were
somewhere.

I went to the--

that's when we had
our long talk.

I went to the bar and
got you some champagne.

I wasn't gone
2 minutes.

Anyway, that night, poopsie
and I had a long talk,

and he said
if I ever wanted

to form
a symphony orchestra,

I should call him.

Oh, I'll just bet
he did.

He did, so I will.

Ah, here it is.

[Beep beep beep]

[Classical music playing]

[Rings]

[Ring]

[Taps]

[Ring]

[Turns off music]

[Ring]

Hello.
Sir Geoffrey here.

Hello, poopsie.

Poopsie?
I say, who is this?

This is Lisa.

Oh, Lisa.
Well, look,

I'm dreadfully sorry
to hear about last night,

but, you see,
i got tied up with a--

no, no, no. This isn't
Lisa from last night.

This is Lisa Douglas
from monte Carlo.

Monte c--

oh, yes, with
the stuffy husband.

Yes, well, I knew
that would never last.

Why don't you
pop up here, and we'll--

no. Oliver is still
my stuffy husband.

Oh. Well,
you must have

some other reason
for calling me.

Yes. You see, poopsie,
we moved to the country,

to a small town
called hootersville.

Hooters--

I'll send you
the direction.

And we would like you
to help us

to form a symphony
orchestra.

You still do that kind
of work, don't you?

Well, i--

will next Wednesday
be all right?

Wednesday?
I think--

fine.
See you then.

Good-bye, poopsie.

Good-bye.

Hootersville? Must be
some kind of artist's colony.

As I remember,
Lisa was quite social.

Yes, she must have a lot
of very fashionable friends.

I'm pleased to meet you,
your highness.

Whoa, easy.

Oh, I'm sorry,
your highness.

Uh, no,
not your highness.

I'm just a knight.

Oh, your
knightship.

No, they don't
call us--

this is Ralph.

Sir Geoffrey, one
of the Monroe brothers.

How do you do,
my good man?

I say,
you're a girl.

Ooh, I like him.

And then this is eb,
our hired hand.

How do you do?

My pleasure,
your sirship.

No, I'm not
a sirship.

And, sir Geoffrey, you
remember my stuffy husband.

Of course. Yes.
How are you, old chap?

Look, I'm rather anxious
to get settled,

so if you'd just
let me know

where I'll be
staying...

Well, everybody wanted you
to stay with them,

so we drew straws,

and you're going to stay
with Mr. and Mrs. ziffel.

Yeah. We're giving you
Arnold's room.

Oh, well,
i don't want

to inconvenience
the little tyke.

He probably--

[oinks]

Uh, he looks
like, um...

don't say it.
He's very sensitive.

Yes. He thinks
he's the ziffel's son.

[Oinks]

Well...

When do we get together
and start playing?

Musically,
that is.

The sooner
the better.

They're going to let us
use the high school.

Oh, good.
Well, then,

if you'll just round up
all the talent...

Uh, sir Geoffrey,

I wonder if I could
speak to you for a moment.

Oh, certainly.

Poopsie, we're going to
look after your suitcases.

Come along, Ralph.

Uh, I thought you and I ought
to have a little talk.

Mr. Douglas, that whole
incident in monte Carlo

was a misunderstanding.

I didn't know it was
your wife when i--

no.
When you what?

Well, you see,
i mistook her...

Well, you know
how things are.

You're wasting
your time.

Why don't you catch the next
train back to New York?

Yes, you do carry
a grudge, don't you?

No, no, no.
I'm not talking--

I'm talking about this
symphony that you came...

You see,
hooterville--

Mr. Douglas,
i can assure you

that I'm not easily
discouraged.

I've founded
orchestras

in much worse places
than this.

Well, not much worse,

but I'm not the man to
run away from a challenge.

If there's
the slightest spark

in a community,

I can fan it
into a flame.

Well, that's good,
because all these musicians

belong to the volunteer
fire department.

Please.

Well, as they say,

you're the conductor,
poopsie.

Come on,
Mr. Douglas,

we're going to be late
for sir's rehearsal.

Oh, no,
I'm not going.

You're going.

No, I'm not.

You're a sorehead.

Just because he won
the duel in monte Carlo.

You mean Mr. Douglas
and sir fought a duel?

Eb, cut it out.
Lisa, will you stop that?

She's making that up.

Darling, please go
to the rehearsal.

It'll be a shambles.

When that poor man hears
that fire department band

play the only piece
they know,

there's a hot time
in the old town tonight,

he's liable
to break down and cry,

and I couldn't
stand that.

Well, are you going,
or aren't you?

It's no use.

They don't use guitars
in a symphony orchestra.

Well, tell him
that your wife

is the head
of the committee,

and that I said
it was all right.

Now go.

Where do you want me
to sit, sir Geoffrey?

Oh, you play
the cymbals, huh?

Yes, sir.

[Crash]

My dear young lady,
that wasn't necessary.

I thought you might like
an audition.

Yes, well,
you go over and sit

in the percussion
section.

I suppose I sit
in the string section, hmm?

My dear Mr. Douglas,
there is no place

for a guitar in
a symphony orchestra.

Sir Geoffrey,

my wife is the head
of the committee,

and she says I can play
in the orchestra.

My dear fellow,

if there's one thing
i cannot tolerate,

it is nepotism.

You want me
to belt him?

Oh, no, no. No.

He ain't got no right
to that kind of language

even if he is a sir.

Eb, that's not
a bad word.

Sounded like one
to me.

Yes, all right,
Mr. Douglas,

you can go and sit
in the string section.

Thank you.
Now, what is your name?

Sam drucker.

Oh, that's--

I run
the general store.

That's fine.

If you ever need
any canned goods...

Well, I don't--

we also carry
a complete line

of English toffee,
English tea,

biscuits,
and cricket bats.

Oh, did you say
cricket bats?

Yeah. Well, they're
really fly swatters,

but you can use them
for batting crickets.

You wouldn't
listen to me.

Well, now, mister--

drucker, of drucker's
general store.

In addition to canned
goods, we also carry--

yes, well, please,
Mr. drucker,

will you sit down
here, please?

Thank you. Now, as soon as
the others arrive--

what others?

You mean,
this is all?

Well, it doesn't matter,

because
all you gentlemen

and, um, you...

Will be the nucleus
of the orchestra.

don't be discouraged
at your size.

You will grow.
When I organized

the long island
sanitation department

symphony orchestra,

all I had to start with

was a couple of garbagemen
and a truck driver,

so I must--

sorry to be late.

My name is haney.

Oh, I'm sir Geoffrey.
Pleased to meet you.

Why?

Well, i--

how are you fixed
for waving sticks?

Waving stick?

Baton.

Oh, I have one.

Get ready
to buy a new one.

Oh, still using
the old wooden shaft.

Ain't that terrible,
Mr. Douglas?

Deplorable.

Hate to see a famous
conductor like you

use an old fashioned--

[snaps fingers]
Wait a second.

I think I can help you.

Yes, I guess I can.

Would you be
interested

in a matched set
of sticks?

Well, i--

steel shaft.

All personally
autographed

by shep fields.

Oh, boy.

Guaranteed
to take 3 strokes

off of any concerto.

Well,
i really don't--

and in honor of British
brotherhood week,

I can let you have
the complete set

for six pence
thruppence.

Six pence thruppence?

$18.

Sold.

Well...
Yes, well, Mr. haney,

please, if you'll
just sit down,

we'll discuss this
later.

Now, you'll notice
the music

is already
on your stands.

All I got is some paper
with black spots on it.

Eb, those are
notes.

They are?

What are we supposed to do
with them, Mr. Douglas?

You're supposed
to play 'em.

See that one?

[Crash]

Will you move back
further?

[Taps]
Now, please, please.

We're going to start with
a very simple little piece,

brahms' lullaby.

Who wrote it?

Well, um--

you should've taken
the train when I told you.

Oh, now, please.
Let's try it.

Brahms' lullaby.

[Playing there's a hot time
in the old town tonight]

[Crash]

[Taps]

Oh, stop!
Hold it, hold it.

May I ask
what you were playing?

Well, what was you
conducting?

Brahms' lullaby.

Then that's what
we was playing.

That was not
brahms' lullaby.

Well, it's as close as
you're going to get to it.

Look, is there
anyone here

who can read music?

Oh, I can.

Well, then, my dear,

would you mind humming it
for the others?

[Humming
brahms' lullaby]

Fine. Now let's all
hum it together.

[Humming brahms' lullaby]

Capital, capital,
capital.

Now let's all
play that.

[Playing there's a hot time
in the old town tonight]

[Crash]

Oliver, why did you
do that to sir Geoffrey?

Are you still
jealous?

Oh, no.

I tried to warn him about
the orchestra, but...

Did he get on the train
all right?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

You're sure?

I helped
carry him on.

Now we'll never have
a symphony orchestra.

Oh, that's all right.
Maybe we can revive

the band concert idea
in the park.

Will I have to wear
the same kind of dress?

Oh, no.

Just a minute,
Irving.

What do you think
you're doing?

I'm putting
the light out.

I'll have to call
my mother.

What for?

She's very strict.

Oh, will you
go to sleep?

[Crash]

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment