Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 29 - Horse? What Horse? - full transcript

Lisa believes that Oliver's beginning to crack under the pressure of running the farm. After he claims to have seen a spotted horse and a zebra, she calls Doc Watson to give him a checkup. ...

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Music playing]

Here you are, Mr. Douglas.
2 pails of h2o.

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

That's the chemical
formula for water.

That means it's composed
of one "h" and 2 "os."

Whatever they are.



Hydrogen and oxygen.

Hydrogen and oxygen?
Well, wasn't it nice of them

to get together in these pails
and make all this water?

Yeah. Put 'em down.

Did you get the leaks
fixed in the hose?

Oh, yeah. Used up
a whole roll of tape.

It won't leak now.

We'll soon see.

That did it!

Got another
roll of tape?

What for?
The radiator!

Ohh! You miserable
tractor! [Clank]

We'd better
abandon ship!

Do you think Mr. drucker
can get us a new radiator?

I don't think
he can help you.

Why not?

This tractor was born
long before he was.

[Clucking]

Oh, hello, Bertram.

[Clucking]

Oliver!

What?

I'm going to cook
your breakfast.

Oh, congratulations.

But I can't.
There is no electricical.

The plug fell out
of the power company.

Could you plug it
back in, please?

I gotta call
Mr. drucker.

Well, can't you
plug in first?

Oh, for cryin' out loud.
It's always something.

Oliver,
don't shnap at me!

I'm not shnapping
or snapping at you.

Well, it sounds like
shnapping to me.

Why couldn't they run
the lines inside the house?

You gotta climb
a pole to telephone,

you gotta climb a pole
to plug in the electricity.

Oliver,
if we want gas,

would they have to
put in another pole?

No, they don't
put gas in poles.

Although they
probably would for us.

Ok, it's in!

It tight?

Yep!
Thank you, darling!

I'm going to cook you
electricical hot cakes.

For that I had
to climb the pole?

[Whirs]

Good morning,
drucker's store.

Oh, how are you,
Mr. Douglas?

Oh, hi.
Well, not too good.

I noticed you looked
a little peaked lately.

Farm gettin' you down?

No, no, it's not that.
It's that darn tractor.

I need a new radiator.
It's leaking.

It was only
a matter of time.

What do you mean?

About the only thing left
that could happen to it.

Well, do you
think you could--

hello? Hello?
Anybody using the line?

Oh, yes, I am,
Mrs. ziffel.

Oh, Mr. Douglas,
are you going to be long?

I have to make a call.

Doris, Mr. Douglas
has a leaky radiator--

oh, that's too bad.
I thought you been lookin'

a little peaked lately,
Mr. Douglas.

No, no, you don't
understand.

don't let that farm
get you down.

You still there,
Mr. Douglas?

Yes, Mr. drucker. As
i was saying, I wonder

if you can get me a new
radiator for my tractor.

Lisa: Oliver!
What?

I didn't say anything.

Oh, no, not you. I was--
it's my wife. Excuse me.

What do you want?

Darling, the electricical
is off again.

The plug fell out.

Mr. drucker, would you
see what you can do

and call me back?
Thank you. Bye.

I told you to
put it in tight.

I thought I did.

Well, you didn't.

Oh, it's these poles.
They're driving me crazy.

The farm is
too much for you?

No.

[Ringing]

[Ring]

Oh, for the...

Oliver, the other
pole is ringing.

Yeah.
Would you answer it?

All right.

[Ringing]

Keep on ringing, Sarah.
He's got a long climb.

[Ring]

Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Douglas.
May I speak to Mr. Douglas?

No. He's up
the electricical pole.

The electricical?

Yes, the plug-in one.

Who is it?
Mr. drucker.

What does he want?

What do you want?

I just want to know
what size radiator

he needs for
his tractor.

He wants to know
what size radio

you need
for your tractor.

I don't need
a radio!

He doesn't need
a radio. Good-bye.

Not a radio.
A radiator.

[Ring]

Oh. Hello, Mr. drucker.
I made a mistake.

My husband doesn't
want a radiator.

No, I do want one!

He do want one!

Yeah, I know
he do want one--

I just want
to know what size.

Hello? Hello?

Doris, I'm talking
to Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.

Hello, Mrs. ziffel!

How's your husband's
radiator?

He's going
to get a new one.

Oh, I hope it makes
him feel better.

Doris, will you hang up?

Bye!

Mrs. Douglas,
would you ask Mr. Douglas

what size radiator
he needs?

Darling, what size
radiator do you need?

Tell him
I'll call him back.

He'll call you back.

Are you through
plugging?

Yep!
I race you down.

Ohh!

You cheated!

Oliver! Oliver!
Breakfast is ready!

He's coming,
Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, where is he?

Out in the fields,
hoeing and muttering.

Is he doing that again?

Yes, ma'am. He's become
a real mutterer.

Acts kind
of strange, too.

How strange?

Well, I don't know.
Strange.

I think the farm's
getting him down.

Oh, he's working
too hard.

Oliver, breakfast!
[Echoing]

Coming!

Eb! Cut it out, you--

oh, you're not eb.
You're a horse.

You're pretty smart,
aren't you?

And you're pretty
conceited, too.

Lisa: Oliver!
[Echoing]

Well, I got to go
to breakfast.

You better go back
where you came from.

[Pats]

No, no, no.
Go home. Go home.

That's a good boy.

[Music playing]

No, no, no. Go on.
Now, stop following me.

Go on home. Beat it.

Darling, who are you
talking to?

The horse.
What horse?

The horse followed--

there was a horse
that followed me home.

Oh?

He did!

I didn't say
anything.

Lisa, a horse did
follow me home.

That's very nice.

A big white horse
with black spots.

Why don't you go inside
and wash up for breakfast?

There was a horse.

[Water running]

There you are.
Where did you go to?

You followed me all the way
home and disappeared--

Oliver, who are
you talking to?

The horse I was
telling you about.

He's in there
with you?

Yes, come on in.

Now maybe you'll believe me
when I tell you--

there he is, look--

there was a horse looking
at me through that window.

The same one?

Of course
the same one!

How many horses
do you think I see--

is he there now?

No. He was here.

He was watching me
wash my hands.

Why would he do that?

I don't know.
Maybe it's his hobby.

Why didn't he come in?

Horses don't come in.

They just watch people
washing their hands.

Yes. Uh, no.

Look, is
breakfast ready?

Darling, don't you
want to lie down

and rest for a while?

Rest?
I just--[Sighs]

Lisa, a horse followed me
home through the fields

and the same horse
washed me watch my hands.

Watched me
wash my hands.

[Water running]

[Horse neighs]

Oh, there you are.

[Snorts]

Well, I'm glad
you're still here.

My wife was beginning
to think I was seeing you.

I mean, not seeing--uh--

come on, I want you
to meet her. Come on.

Oh, come on.

Come on, now--[Sighs]

Wait right here.
Wait right here.

Come on, now, come on.
I want you to meet her.

[Snorts]

There we go.
That's the stuff.

I'll be right back.

Come on!

Darling, darling,
i believed you!

Nevertheless, I want you
to see with your own eyes,

so there won't be
any question. There--

there was a horse there
tied to a tree!

What tree?

A tree! It was right there,
tied to this horse!

A tree walked away
with a horse?

Of course not.

How can a tree walk
away with a horse?

Darling, why don't you lie down
and I call the doctor?

I don't need a doctor!
I saw it with my own eyes!

There was--a tree--oh...

Here, horse! Horse?

[Knocking]

Oh, hello, Dr. Stuart.

How are you,
Mrs. Douglas?

Fine. Won't you
come in, please?

Say, you didn't have
any paintings up

last time
i was out here.

We only hung them
a couple of months ago.

Matisse? Say, that's
a pretty fine copy.

Looks almost like
the original.

It is the original!

An original Matisse?

Yes. And over here we have
a Gauguin and a renoir.

Originals?
Yes.

Oh, doctor, I'm terribly
worried about Oliver.

As I told you
on the telephone,

he keeps seeing trees and
horses which aren't there.

Well, that's--

an original Matisse,
Gauguin, and a renoir?

We have a small Rembrandt
in the bathroom.

In the bathroom?

We have very
little wall space.

Doctor, do you think he was
out in the sun too long?

It's quite poss--but these
must be worth a fortune.

I always say
why get a copy

when the original is only
a few thousand dollars more?

Yes. That's--

Lisa, isn't that
doc Stuart's car--oh, it is!

How are you, Mr. Douglas?

Very good, doctor, and
if Mrs. Douglas got you

out here on my account,
you're wasting your time.

I just called the doctor
and I told him

if he happens to be
in the neighborhood

to drop in and--and
see our paintings.

They're all originals, huh?

Doctor, there's nothing
wrong with me.

Darling, did you find
your horse and tree?

Uh, no. But they're
around somewhere.

Stick out your tongue
and say "aah."

If the doctor wants me
to stick out my tongue

he'll tell me to.

Stick out
your tongue.

No! There's nothing
wrong with me!

Just sit down here,
Mr. Douglas,

and take it easy.

Would you mind boiling
a little water for me?

All right,
doctor.

Now, you just relax.

I don't know what
my wife told you,

but I'm all right.
I saw a horse!

I talked to him.

Did he answer you?

don't be ridiculous.

Oh, he nodded his head
"yes" a couple of times.

Ohh. I'm going to
give you a prescription

for a mild sedative
to take at bedtime

to help calm you down.

I don't need to be--

Mr. Douglas, men
who've been farming

a lot longer than you
have cracked up.

I haven't--

the strain of planting
and the weather

and the crops
and prices--

takes a lot more out
of you than you think.

Doctor, it's not--

in the city,
i needed a sedative.

Trying to make a dollar
in that rat race--

everybody scratching
and clawing--

you couldn't turn around but
you'd find a knife in your back,

but, doctor, out here,
the only scratching a man does

is in the soil
when he plants the seed.

He nurtures it, coaxes it
up toward the sun,

nurturing it
to full harvest,

when he can pick them
and market them,

knowing that he
and he alone

with the shovel, the seed,
the sun, and the soil

has found fulfillment.

The--I'd better give you
something a little stronger.

Doc! There is
nothing wrong with me!

[Slam]

You see what I mean?

Nothing to worry about.
He's just a little edgy.

Here are samples
a salesman left.

Make sure he takes
one at bedtime.

They work fast. He'll
drop off like that.

Yes?
Mrs. Douglas?

You told me to remind you
to give Mr. Douglas

that pill
to make him sleep.

It's already
in the milk.

Which glass?

Uh, well, i--

in the movies,
they're always getting

the glasses with
the Mickey mixed-up.

Well, this Mickey
won't get mixed up.

Oh, I know.

No. I think
it's this one.

That the one?

No.

That the one?

Um...Oh, I know!

Won't he be able
to taste that?

No, I don't think so.

Hmm. Needs
a little sugar.

Perfect.

How about
the other one?

Well, which is
the other one?

The one
without the sugar.

No, this has
sugar in it.

Mmm, fine.

Good night.

Good night.

[Yawns]

Milk? You know
i don't drink milk.

Did you put something
in here to make me--

[mumbling]

So you got the Mickey.
[Chuckles]

Ah, you're a good kid,
worrying about me.

But there was a horse.
Sleep tight.

Lisa! Lisa, wake up!

There's a zebra
in the window!

[Snorts]

Lisa! Look at the--

[music playing]

And then just as I was
about to turn off the--

I wonder why
I'm so sleepy.

Are you
listening to me?

Yes, darling.
Go right ahead.

Well, I was about
to tell you...

I saw a zebra standing
there in the window.

A what?

A zebra!

It's a kind of a horse
with stripes.

You got tired just
looking at plain horses?

Lisa, if you
hadn't conked out,

you'd have
seen him, too.

It was a zebra!

I call the doctor.

No, you don't have to.
I tell you, i--[Sighs]

There's got to be
some explanation!

You say that's your
ostrich, Mr. holter?

Yes, sir.

Can you identify him?

Identify him?! Mr. haney,
how many ostriches

are there running
around in hooterville?

Well,
i never counted 'em,

but that could be
one of 'em.

Mr. haney, that ostrich
is from my circus.

When the truck overturned,
5 of my animals got away.

Well, if that
is your ostrich,

it's run up quite a bill

since it walked into
our bedroom this morning.

A bill? For what?

There's $5.00 for bleaching
my wife's hair blond.

Huh?

Well, when she woke up
and seen it,

her hair turned
prematurely white.

Well, all right,
I'll give you $5.00.

Well, that's not all,
neighbor.

You owe me $12
for 6 hens.

What hens?

It laid this and 6 of
my best white leghorns

had nervous breakdowns
trying to compete.

Well, I guess $10 ought
to take care of everything.

15'd take care
of it better.

Ten.
I get to keep the egg.

Mr. haney, how would you like
to earn some extra money?

How?

Well, if you'll
help me find

the rest of the animals
that escaped.

What kind are they?

Well, besides this ostrich,
there was a trained horse,

and a zebra, and a...

That was a camel!
I know that was a camel!

You saw it, didn't you?

What am I talking
to you for?

And then last night,
Mr. kimball,

guess what else
he didn't see?

A zebra!

Well, I wouldn't worry
too much, Mrs.--

yes, I would.
A zebra, huh?

Dr. Stuart says he's under
a strain from farming.

Yeah, see,
the department's compiled

a lot of statistics on--
well, not a lot.

They gathered together--
well, they didn't gather them.

Some high school kid left his
notebook in the chief's office.

They discovered that farmers
in the northeast suffered from--

no, they didn't suffer
too much. They--

Oliver: Lisa!

Mr. kimball, could you
talk to Mr. Douglas

and see if he won't
take it easy?

Sure, don't worry.

I know how to handle
these kind of cases.

don't tell him
i talked to you.

Yeah, they just need
a little humoring.

Hello, Mr. Douglas.
How are you?

Oh, I'm all right.

Of course you are.
Say, that certainly is

a nice-lookin' horse
you got there.

Mind if I feed him
a piece of sugar?

Say, look at him
eat that.

Think your zebra
would like a piece, too?

Have you been
talking to my wife?

About what?

About my seeing a horse,
a zebra, and a camel?

A camel? She didn't say
anything about a--

oh, I didn't
notice him. Ha ha!

Say, certainly is--
oh, boy.

It's none of my business,
Mr. Douglas,

but maybe you been--is that
your chimp over there?

Would you like
a punch in the nose?

No, I don't think
I'd like that.

Then stop
making fun of me.

There's a chimp
standing there.

That's strange.
There was a--

here, chimp!
Here, chimp!

Oh, stop!

Mr. Douglas!

Oh, Mr. Douglas!

What's the matter?

Did you see a camel?

You, too, huh?!

I caught the zebra
and the chimp.

Hey, that's my zebra!

That's my chimp.

Not my chimp.
Whose chimp is he?

Well, it belongs to
an itinerant circus.

Their truck
turned over

and some of the
animals got loose.

Was there a horse?

Yeah. The fella
got him.

Lisa!

Darling,
what's the matter?

What do you see?

Mr. haney's truck.

No. What do you
see on the truck?

What do you
want me to see?

The zebra and
the chimpanzee!

I see a zebra and a chimpanzee
and I'll call the doctor.

No, no. If you
don't see them,

you'd better
call the doctor.

Well, I see them,

but I'm not sure if
they're really there.

They're there,
all right.

They got loose
from the circus.

Oh, darling, I'm so glad
you're not a nut!

Well, sometimes
i wonder.

[Crash]

Are you missing
a boxing kangaroo?

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