Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 28 - Send a Boy to College - full transcript
Eb's talent for curing sick animals leads the Douglases to send him to veterinarian school. Unfortunately, his college career is short-lived due to one small oversight.
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling,
i love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Theme music playing]
Oliver.
Hmm?
You reading?
Mm-hmm.
Can I ask you
a question?
Mm-hmm.
You'll give me
an honest answer?
Yes.
You won't get mad?
What's the question?
Do you believe
in birthdays?
That's the question?
Yes. What's the answer?
Yes, I believe
in birthdays.
One more question.
Now what?
Do you know whose birthday
it is next Tuesday?
George Washington.
Who?
Well, I'll give you
a hint--it's yours.
Mine?
You guessed.
Pure luck.
Are you going
to be available
for the surprise party
I'm going to give you?
Lisa, if I know about it,
it's not a surprise party.
Well, if you don't
know about it,
how do I know that
you're going to be there?
I'll be there.
Could I read
my book now?
One more question.
Yes?
What do you want
for your birthday?
Anything.
How about a new girdle?
Yes, I'd like a--
a girdle?
I just wanted to see
if you pay any attention.
I'm paying attention.
Oliver?
Do you want to give me
something I really want?
What?
3 months of silence,
starting now.
Boy, what a grouch.
That's what I get
for marrying a man
68 years older than I am.
[Music playing]
[Engine sputtering]
Push the choke in,
Mr. Douglas.
It is in.
Then pull it out.
[Zip]
That should've been
tied to somethin'.
Try it again.
[Sputtering]
[Horn honking continuously]
I got the horn goin'.
Yeah, well,
stop it!
How?
Pull the wire.
[Honking stops]
That did it.
Oh, eb, will you--
you got plenty of gas.
Oil pressure's all right.
And you're flyin'
at 60,000 feet.
Please, please.
Oh, this is why
it won't start.
The battery cable
is dis--
[sparking]
Aah!
Why, you miserable,
stupid tractor!
[Sparking]
It don't like
to be called names.
I'll call it
anything I want!
Oh!
It struck again.
You got its Magneto
in an uproar.
Oh, eb,
stop this ridiculous--
oh!
It don't like you
to yell at me, either.
It's my friend.
Darling.
Darling, can I talk
to you privately?
Look, well, I'm--
well, it's terribly
important.
[Sighs] Eb, will you
excuse us, please?
Sure,
i can take a hint.
I know when
i ain't wanted.
You don't have to
hit me over the head
with a sledgehammer.
Eb, you're puttin' ideas
into my head.
I'm goin'.
Then go!
[Sighs]
Now, what was it
you wanted to talk about?
Oh, darling, what size
shirt do you wear?
Did you come out here
to talk to me about that?
Well, I want to get it
for your birthday,
and I don't want eb
to know about it.
Otherwise,
he won't be surprised.
It's the only thing
i could figure out
unless you tell me
what you want.
Lisa, I'm having
trouble enough
with this
darned tractor.
Uh-huh...
What does that
"uh-huh" mean?
Oh...Well,
it's a surprise.
[Music playing]
Excuse me.
May I help you,
ma'am?
Yes. Are you Mr. gruber,
pixley's only
honest tractor dealer?
No, ma'am.
My name's Johnson.
I'm his assistant.
I would like to buy
a tractor.
A tractor?
For yourself?
No.
May I ask
who it's for?
Well, you could ask,
but I'm not going to tell you.
It's a surprise.
A surprise?
It's for his birthday.
Oh, a birthday present.
Who told you?
Well, you said--
how large a one
should I get?
How big is his farm?
Who said
he's got a farm?
Well, I just assumed
if you're buying a--
you are going
to spoil the surprise.
This is a cute one.
Uh, wouldn't you rather
wait for Mr. gruber?
He'll be back later.
Where did he go?
He took his wife
to the hospital.
She's expecting
a baby.
Oh! A boy or a girl?
Well, it hasn't
been born yet.
Well, when it is,
he'll be
pretty surprised.
Well, no.
Mr. gruber--
no, no. I mean the baby
will be surprised
if he is a boy.
Lady,
we usually close for
lunch about this time--
it won't take long.
All I want to do
is buy one tractor.
Oh, that's
a pretty one.
With a little house
on the top.
That's model 6000.
395 horsepower,
it develops.
It can pull a 26-foot
disc harrow,
and 20-foot-wide
chisel plow,
and 3 press drills.
Does it have stereo?
Uh...Stereo?
You know, the little
tape you put in,
and the music comes out
from each wheel.
No.
Oh, how about
air conditioning?
One of the features
of this model
is the new
suspension system
that includes
a torsion bar
draft control.
Is this the only color
it comes in?
Uh, yes.
They don't give you
much choice, do they?
Uh, no, ma'am.
Well, if he doesn't
like the color,
can he exchange it?
No, I'm afraid not.
Well...
All right,
I'll take it.
Oh, fine. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And wrap it up
as a gift.
A gift? Well,
it's a little big to--
we can put a bow on it.
What color?
Any color you want.
Well, why can't
i get a tractor
any color
i want?
Bows are, uh--
why don't I just
call Mr. gruber?
He's probably just
pacing up and down
in the fathers'
waiting room.
No, no, no, never mind.
Just put on a blue bow.
The fellow I'm
sending it to is a boy.
Well, I'll do
what I can.
And would you put
a big card on it
saying
"happy birthday"?
Uh, from who?
A friend.
Well, he'll know
who it is.
He doesn't have
too many.
Well, yes, ma'am.
Oh, where do you
want it delivered?
Well, I don't want
him to see it
because he might
guess what it is,
so send it
to Mr. ziffel.
He's our neighbor.
Ziffel?
Yes.
Z-i-effel-effel-e-l.
Ziffel.
[Music plays]
[Music playing]
Come on, Doris.
I'm walkin'
as fast as I can.
The least you could do
is help me carry
these groceries.
I'll help you eat' em.
Ain't that enough?
Fred, open the door!
What's the matter?
Where'd that come from?
Where'd what--
all right, Fred.
Why'd you buy
the tractor?
I didn't buy it.
Oh, I suppose
they just
delivered it
here for fun.
I don't know nothin'
about it.
Ah. What's this?
"Happy birthday."
Ohh, Doris.
You didn't forget.
What?
You're a livin' doll,
buyin' this tractor
for me.
Are you off your rocker?
You finally done
somethin' nice.
Now, don't be
ashamed of it.
I didn't buy it.
Oh, now,
you ain't foolin' me.
There it is right there,
as plain as can be.
"Happy birthday
from a friend."
I'm not your friend,
I'm your wife.
I didn't buy it.
Well, whoever did
sure has good taste.
Ain't it a beaut?
[Music playing]
Fred, I wonder
who sent it.
Oh, Doris, somebody's bound
to stop me and ask me
how I liked the tractor
they sent me.
I don't think--
[starts engine]
Ah ha ha ha!
[Music playing]
Well, Mr. ziffel,
where did you get this?
Well, Mr. Douglas,
it was just delivered.
Come on up
and take a look.
Say, this has
everything.
Oh, man, yes.
Power steerin',
disc brakes,
air conditionin'.
Air conditioning?
Oh, blow your hat
right off on a hot day.
And that ain't all.
You know what that is?
What?
That's a stereo
tape player.
Stereo?
Yeah, music comes out
of every wheel!
Well!
Yeah, and get
a load of this.
Fred ziffel,
callin' Doris.
Come in, Doris.
Doris over radio:
Hi, Fred. This is Doris.
How did Mr. Douglas like it?
It's beautiful,
Mrs. ziffel!
Hey, Mr. Douglas,
you sound pretty good
on the radio.
[Arnold oinks]
Wait a minute.
[Oinking]
What did you say,
Mrs. ziffel?
That was Arnold
broadcasting.
Say hello to him.
[Oinking]
Hello, Arnold!
Arnold wants to talk
to his father.
[Oinks]
It's for you, dad.
Oh.
Hello, Arnold.
[Oinks]
Yeah, yeah,
you can watch television.
Arnold, that ain't right.
When I tell you
you can't do somethin',
don't ask your father!
Come in, Fred.
I'm goin' over
to Ben Miller's.
Well, drive careful.
don't tell me
how to drive.
Just over and out me.
Over and out, you big--
[Click]
[Music playing]
Ohh. What an engine.
Mr. Douglas,
I'd appreciate it
if you wouldn't get
no finger marks on it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I sure envy you,
Mr. ziffel.
I'd like to have
a tractor like this,
but I imagine
they're pretty expensive.
Yeah, I imagine
they are.
Well,
be seein' you.
[Music playing]
Now, there's a tractor.
[Sparking]
Why, you miserable--
[thud]
Oliver!
Oliver:
I'm in here!
Hello, darling.
Where have you been?
If I told you,
you'd know.
I wouldn't ask if
i didn't want to know.
You're interested
in what I'm doing?
Yes.
You missed me?
No. I want
to take a shower,
and I need someone
to turn the water on.
That's all I am to you--
a water-Turner-onner.
Oh, no. You're much
more than that.
I am?
Yes.
You're also
my water-Turner-offer.
Well, if that's
your aptitude,
I'm sorry I did
what I did
because what I did
i did because I thought
you'd appreciate
what I did.
Uh-huh. Well, will you
turn the water on?
I've been workin'
on that tractor all day.
I'm filthy.
Did you get it fixed?
No.
Good.
What do you mean, good?
I have a feeling.
Will you turn
the water on?
[Music playing from tractor]
Hello, Mr. Douglas!
I got the stereo on!
[Laughs]
Oh, it sounds Marv--
hey!
That's cold!
Hey! Hey! The hot!
Turn on the hot!
Ooh.
What was all that noise?
The whole house
was shaking.
Mr. ziffel just went by
in his new tractor.
His new tractor?!
Yeah, he's been goin'
all around the valley
showing it off.
It's a beauty.
2-way radio,
air conditioned cab,
stereo tapes.
What color?
Blue!
Good-bye.
Wait. Hey, wait,
turn the water on!
Lisa, tu--
[waltz playing]
You still got it,
Fred.
Honey, once a man's
got it,
he never loses it.
Doris...
Are you game?
Oh, all right, Fred.
You can dip me.
But don't drop me.
Oh, hello,
Mrs. Douglas.
We were just dancin'
to the tractor.
Well, you dance
beautifully.
Yeah, we used to give
exhibitions
at all
the livestock shows.
Mrs. ziffel,
I came over to talk
to you about the tractor.
Oh, yeah. Ain't it
a Jim dandy?
Yes. Well, uh,
Mr. ziffel,
what I want to find out--
when it arrived,
did it have a bow on it
and a big card
saying "happy birthday
from a friend"?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, I am
the friend.
Mrs. Douglas!
Well, I'll be
doggoned.
You see?
I told you
that whoever
gave it to us
is gonna tell me
about it.
You know, you and
Mr. Douglas are real folks.
Well, Mr. Douglas
didn't have
anything to do with it.
I bought it.
You? Well,
how did you know
what kind
i wanted?
You see, next week
is my husband's birthday.
What are you gettin'
for him?
That's none of
our business.
Mrs. Douglas,
I don't know how
to thank you.
Well, Mr. ziffel,
don't thank me.
You see, because--
because you've got
a big heart.
No, Mr. ziffel.
Mrs. Douglas,
you're a kind woman.
Oh, no, no.
You certainly are.
You don't know how
I've longed
for somethin'
like this.
Now I won't have to
walk behind a plow
in the hot sun.
Why, you've added
10 years to my life.
You're
a wonderful woman.
Yeah. They say
city folks don't care
about their neighbors,
but you sure do.
Oh, but--
yeah,
you may be city,
but, heh, you're
all country.
Oh, well.
Mrs. Douglas,
i thank you.
I thank you
for makin' this
the best birthday
i ever had.
Happy birthday,
Mr. ziffel.
[Music playing]
[Music playing]
Oliver, wake up.
What do you
want?
Are you awake?
I am now.
Well, if that's
your tone of voice,
go back to sleep.
As long as I'm awake,
what do you want?
Nothing.
Oh, for
the love of--
Oliver,
you're a lawyer,
aren't you?
You woke me up
to ask me--
you know
I'm a lawyer.
Good night.
That is not
the question!
Well, what is?
It's a hypodermical
question.
Hypodermical?
Yes. You see, there was
this friend of mine
who bought something
for someone,
who shall remain nameless,
and sent it to someone else,
who shall also
remain nameless,
and even though
they weren't related,
they both have
the same nameless.
Hypothetical.
Anyway,
the second nameless
thought it was for them
and they kept it.
Now, the question is,
how does my friend
get it back from
the second nameless
and send it
to the first nameless,
who should have had it
in the first place anyhow?
Well, the way I see it,
your friend
is in big trouble.
Why?
Because the way
you explain it,
nobody could ever
understand it.
Now, good night.
Well, I guess
you can't expect a man
who is 72 years
older than me
to stay up late.
[Snoring]
Fred, wake up.
Fred!
[Groans]
What's the matter?
I got a question
i want to ask you.
Oh, Doris, it's 12:00,
and I'm tired
from all that waltzin'.
Just answer me this--
how come Mrs. Douglas
bought you that tractor?
Wha-what do you mean?
Fred, what's goin' on
between you two?
Nothin'.
Hmm. Pretty fancy tractor
for nothin'.
Oh, Doris,
go on back to sleep.
Now, look here,
Fred ziffel!
[Arnold squealing]
Now you see
what you done?
You woke up Arnold.
[Oinks]
Go to sleep, Arnold.
No. Let him stay awake
and hear what kind of
a two-timin' man you are.
How could you
do this to me?
I've given you
the best years of my life.
That ain't
much of an argument
in your favor.
Oh, then you admit
you'd rather have her
than me.
Now, that is
the stupidest thing
anybody ever said.
Fred, why did she
give you that tractor?
It is my birthday.
Ha.
Then why didn't she tell
her husband about it?
Well, it probably
slipped her mind.
Yeah? Well,
I'll take care of that
first thing
tomorrow morning.
Mr. Douglas,
we got a problem.
We've got a problem?
Yeah, you and me.
You know what's been
goin' on behind our backs?
What?
Well, it ain't
easy to say,
but your wife
and my husband...
Yes?
You never read
Peyton place?
You mean...
You think that my wife
and your husb--
ha ha ha ha ha!
[Coughs]
Ha ha!
Well, you're laughin',
but he's got the new tractor,
and you ain't.
What's the tractor
got to do with it?
Guess who gave it to him.
You think my wife?
To my husband
for his birthday.
On his bir--
ohh.
Now I understand!
Sure. Ho ho!
Gosh, you city folks
sure are broad-minded.
Well, i--i--i--
now, who do you think
we should shoot first?
You don't have
to shoot anybody.
We always shoot.
No, no.
Before you get excited,
let me talk to my wife.
Well, all right.
But don't be
too hard on her.
You know, under
certain circumstances,
my Fred is irresistible.
[Music plays]
Lisa, sit down.
Not on my lap!
Oh. It's serious.
Yes, it is.
Is it as serious
as the time
when I tripped
the Duke of edinborough?
It's more serious.
Well, that was
pretty serious.
They wanted to
declare war on me.
Lisa, this concerns us.
We are at the crossroads.
We are?
I guess it's all over
between us.
It is?
Yes. I want you to know
that I harbor
no ill feelings.
I wish you and Mr. ziffel
the very best.
Well, that's very--
what is that about
the best of Mr. ziffel?
Lisa, you gave
Mr. ziffel a tractor.
Well, i--
no, there's no sense
in denying it.
Would you like
to help me pack?
But he wasn't
supposed to get one.
Then who was?
You was.
Then Mr. ziffel
has my tractor.
Who told you?
Well, I figured that out.
Mr. ziffel
is Mr. nameless, huh?
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm the other
Mr. nameless, hmm?
Yes.
But am I nameless one
or two?
You're always
number one for me.
Aha. Then how is it that
nameless two has my tractor?
Sit down.
Let me tell you.
You see, I bought this
tractor for you birthday,
and I had it
delivered to them,
and it was
his birthday, too,
and now he is dancing,
and you are not,
and the music is coming
out of the wheels.
Yes, yes, I've heard.
Well, you can just
go over there
and get my tractor back.
Well, I tried,
but it didn't work.
Then I'll do it myself.
Hello,
Mr. Douglas.
Hi, there, Mr. nameless--
uh, I mean, Mr. ziffel.
I came over here
to talk to you
about this tractor
that my wife--
ohh,
she told you, huh?
Yes, she did.
Well, bless
her little heart.
And yours, too,
Mr. Douglas.
You know,
this tractor
is like the answer
to my prayers.
Yes, but Mr. ziffel--
oh, you don't know
how things
have been with me.
They've been
very bad.
Well, I'm sorry--
Doris, you know,
she's slowed down
and couldn't pull a plow
like she used to.
I haven't been able
to plant
but half of
my acreage.
I couldn't meet my
mortgage payments,
and now,
with your gift,
why, I'll be out of
the red in no time.
This is what
i wanted to--
and I'll be able to buy
Doris some of the things
I've been denyin' her.
I can get Arnold
a new crib,
and maybe
a color TV.
That'll be wonderful.
But Mr.--
and all because
you and the missus
have such big hearts.
No, we really--
bless you, Mr. Douglas.
Bless you, sir.
And anytime
you want to borrow it,
you just come right on.
I want you to think
of that tractor
as your very own.
Well, at least
you can use it
whenever
you want to.
It's going to be
like it's your own.
Oh, it's not like
having my own,
but at least I want
to thank you
for having the thought
of giving me a tractor.
Oh, you're welcome.
It was very thoughtful
of you.
No, it was nothing.
You picked it out
all by yourself?
Yes.
And the stereo--
that was your idea?
Music out of
each wheel.
Mm. And the
air conditioning.
And the 2-way radio.
It was a beautiful
tractor.
Yes.
Then why in--
why did you have to
give it to Mr. ziffel?!
I'm never going to hear
the end of this.
What kind of a mallethead
would do a think like that?
Before you get real mad,
you want to give me
a happy birthday kiss?
[Theme music
playing slowly]
Well...
It's not like having
your own tractor...
[Sighs]
It's hard to believe
that you are 81 years
older than I am.
[Theme music playing]
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling,
i love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Theme music playing]
Oliver.
Hmm?
You reading?
Mm-hmm.
Can I ask you
a question?
Mm-hmm.
You'll give me
an honest answer?
Yes.
You won't get mad?
What's the question?
Do you believe
in birthdays?
That's the question?
Yes. What's the answer?
Yes, I believe
in birthdays.
One more question.
Now what?
Do you know whose birthday
it is next Tuesday?
George Washington.
Who?
Well, I'll give you
a hint--it's yours.
Mine?
You guessed.
Pure luck.
Are you going
to be available
for the surprise party
I'm going to give you?
Lisa, if I know about it,
it's not a surprise party.
Well, if you don't
know about it,
how do I know that
you're going to be there?
I'll be there.
Could I read
my book now?
One more question.
Yes?
What do you want
for your birthday?
Anything.
How about a new girdle?
Yes, I'd like a--
a girdle?
I just wanted to see
if you pay any attention.
I'm paying attention.
Oliver?
Do you want to give me
something I really want?
What?
3 months of silence,
starting now.
Boy, what a grouch.
That's what I get
for marrying a man
68 years older than I am.
[Music playing]
[Engine sputtering]
Push the choke in,
Mr. Douglas.
It is in.
Then pull it out.
[Zip]
That should've been
tied to somethin'.
Try it again.
[Sputtering]
[Horn honking continuously]
I got the horn goin'.
Yeah, well,
stop it!
How?
Pull the wire.
[Honking stops]
That did it.
Oh, eb, will you--
you got plenty of gas.
Oil pressure's all right.
And you're flyin'
at 60,000 feet.
Please, please.
Oh, this is why
it won't start.
The battery cable
is dis--
[sparking]
Aah!
Why, you miserable,
stupid tractor!
[Sparking]
It don't like
to be called names.
I'll call it
anything I want!
Oh!
It struck again.
You got its Magneto
in an uproar.
Oh, eb,
stop this ridiculous--
oh!
It don't like you
to yell at me, either.
It's my friend.
Darling.
Darling, can I talk
to you privately?
Look, well, I'm--
well, it's terribly
important.
[Sighs] Eb, will you
excuse us, please?
Sure,
i can take a hint.
I know when
i ain't wanted.
You don't have to
hit me over the head
with a sledgehammer.
Eb, you're puttin' ideas
into my head.
I'm goin'.
Then go!
[Sighs]
Now, what was it
you wanted to talk about?
Oh, darling, what size
shirt do you wear?
Did you come out here
to talk to me about that?
Well, I want to get it
for your birthday,
and I don't want eb
to know about it.
Otherwise,
he won't be surprised.
It's the only thing
i could figure out
unless you tell me
what you want.
Lisa, I'm having
trouble enough
with this
darned tractor.
Uh-huh...
What does that
"uh-huh" mean?
Oh...Well,
it's a surprise.
[Music playing]
Excuse me.
May I help you,
ma'am?
Yes. Are you Mr. gruber,
pixley's only
honest tractor dealer?
No, ma'am.
My name's Johnson.
I'm his assistant.
I would like to buy
a tractor.
A tractor?
For yourself?
No.
May I ask
who it's for?
Well, you could ask,
but I'm not going to tell you.
It's a surprise.
A surprise?
It's for his birthday.
Oh, a birthday present.
Who told you?
Well, you said--
how large a one
should I get?
How big is his farm?
Who said
he's got a farm?
Well, I just assumed
if you're buying a--
you are going
to spoil the surprise.
This is a cute one.
Uh, wouldn't you rather
wait for Mr. gruber?
He'll be back later.
Where did he go?
He took his wife
to the hospital.
She's expecting
a baby.
Oh! A boy or a girl?
Well, it hasn't
been born yet.
Well, when it is,
he'll be
pretty surprised.
Well, no.
Mr. gruber--
no, no. I mean the baby
will be surprised
if he is a boy.
Lady,
we usually close for
lunch about this time--
it won't take long.
All I want to do
is buy one tractor.
Oh, that's
a pretty one.
With a little house
on the top.
That's model 6000.
395 horsepower,
it develops.
It can pull a 26-foot
disc harrow,
and 20-foot-wide
chisel plow,
and 3 press drills.
Does it have stereo?
Uh...Stereo?
You know, the little
tape you put in,
and the music comes out
from each wheel.
No.
Oh, how about
air conditioning?
One of the features
of this model
is the new
suspension system
that includes
a torsion bar
draft control.
Is this the only color
it comes in?
Uh, yes.
They don't give you
much choice, do they?
Uh, no, ma'am.
Well, if he doesn't
like the color,
can he exchange it?
No, I'm afraid not.
Well...
All right,
I'll take it.
Oh, fine. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And wrap it up
as a gift.
A gift? Well,
it's a little big to--
we can put a bow on it.
What color?
Any color you want.
Well, why can't
i get a tractor
any color
i want?
Bows are, uh--
why don't I just
call Mr. gruber?
He's probably just
pacing up and down
in the fathers'
waiting room.
No, no, no, never mind.
Just put on a blue bow.
The fellow I'm
sending it to is a boy.
Well, I'll do
what I can.
And would you put
a big card on it
saying
"happy birthday"?
Uh, from who?
A friend.
Well, he'll know
who it is.
He doesn't have
too many.
Well, yes, ma'am.
Oh, where do you
want it delivered?
Well, I don't want
him to see it
because he might
guess what it is,
so send it
to Mr. ziffel.
He's our neighbor.
Ziffel?
Yes.
Z-i-effel-effel-e-l.
Ziffel.
[Music plays]
[Music playing]
Come on, Doris.
I'm walkin'
as fast as I can.
The least you could do
is help me carry
these groceries.
I'll help you eat' em.
Ain't that enough?
Fred, open the door!
What's the matter?
Where'd that come from?
Where'd what--
all right, Fred.
Why'd you buy
the tractor?
I didn't buy it.
Oh, I suppose
they just
delivered it
here for fun.
I don't know nothin'
about it.
Ah. What's this?
"Happy birthday."
Ohh, Doris.
You didn't forget.
What?
You're a livin' doll,
buyin' this tractor
for me.
Are you off your rocker?
You finally done
somethin' nice.
Now, don't be
ashamed of it.
I didn't buy it.
Oh, now,
you ain't foolin' me.
There it is right there,
as plain as can be.
"Happy birthday
from a friend."
I'm not your friend,
I'm your wife.
I didn't buy it.
Well, whoever did
sure has good taste.
Ain't it a beaut?
[Music playing]
Fred, I wonder
who sent it.
Oh, Doris, somebody's bound
to stop me and ask me
how I liked the tractor
they sent me.
I don't think--
[starts engine]
Ah ha ha ha!
[Music playing]
Well, Mr. ziffel,
where did you get this?
Well, Mr. Douglas,
it was just delivered.
Come on up
and take a look.
Say, this has
everything.
Oh, man, yes.
Power steerin',
disc brakes,
air conditionin'.
Air conditioning?
Oh, blow your hat
right off on a hot day.
And that ain't all.
You know what that is?
What?
That's a stereo
tape player.
Stereo?
Yeah, music comes out
of every wheel!
Well!
Yeah, and get
a load of this.
Fred ziffel,
callin' Doris.
Come in, Doris.
Doris over radio:
Hi, Fred. This is Doris.
How did Mr. Douglas like it?
It's beautiful,
Mrs. ziffel!
Hey, Mr. Douglas,
you sound pretty good
on the radio.
[Arnold oinks]
Wait a minute.
[Oinking]
What did you say,
Mrs. ziffel?
That was Arnold
broadcasting.
Say hello to him.
[Oinking]
Hello, Arnold!
Arnold wants to talk
to his father.
[Oinks]
It's for you, dad.
Oh.
Hello, Arnold.
[Oinks]
Yeah, yeah,
you can watch television.
Arnold, that ain't right.
When I tell you
you can't do somethin',
don't ask your father!
Come in, Fred.
I'm goin' over
to Ben Miller's.
Well, drive careful.
don't tell me
how to drive.
Just over and out me.
Over and out, you big--
[Click]
[Music playing]
Ohh. What an engine.
Mr. Douglas,
I'd appreciate it
if you wouldn't get
no finger marks on it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I sure envy you,
Mr. ziffel.
I'd like to have
a tractor like this,
but I imagine
they're pretty expensive.
Yeah, I imagine
they are.
Well,
be seein' you.
[Music playing]
Now, there's a tractor.
[Sparking]
Why, you miserable--
[thud]
Oliver!
Oliver:
I'm in here!
Hello, darling.
Where have you been?
If I told you,
you'd know.
I wouldn't ask if
i didn't want to know.
You're interested
in what I'm doing?
Yes.
You missed me?
No. I want
to take a shower,
and I need someone
to turn the water on.
That's all I am to you--
a water-Turner-onner.
Oh, no. You're much
more than that.
I am?
Yes.
You're also
my water-Turner-offer.
Well, if that's
your aptitude,
I'm sorry I did
what I did
because what I did
i did because I thought
you'd appreciate
what I did.
Uh-huh. Well, will you
turn the water on?
I've been workin'
on that tractor all day.
I'm filthy.
Did you get it fixed?
No.
Good.
What do you mean, good?
I have a feeling.
Will you turn
the water on?
[Music playing from tractor]
Hello, Mr. Douglas!
I got the stereo on!
[Laughs]
Oh, it sounds Marv--
hey!
That's cold!
Hey! Hey! The hot!
Turn on the hot!
Ooh.
What was all that noise?
The whole house
was shaking.
Mr. ziffel just went by
in his new tractor.
His new tractor?!
Yeah, he's been goin'
all around the valley
showing it off.
It's a beauty.
2-way radio,
air conditioned cab,
stereo tapes.
What color?
Blue!
Good-bye.
Wait. Hey, wait,
turn the water on!
Lisa, tu--
[waltz playing]
You still got it,
Fred.
Honey, once a man's
got it,
he never loses it.
Doris...
Are you game?
Oh, all right, Fred.
You can dip me.
But don't drop me.
Oh, hello,
Mrs. Douglas.
We were just dancin'
to the tractor.
Well, you dance
beautifully.
Yeah, we used to give
exhibitions
at all
the livestock shows.
Mrs. ziffel,
I came over to talk
to you about the tractor.
Oh, yeah. Ain't it
a Jim dandy?
Yes. Well, uh,
Mr. ziffel,
what I want to find out--
when it arrived,
did it have a bow on it
and a big card
saying "happy birthday
from a friend"?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, I am
the friend.
Mrs. Douglas!
Well, I'll be
doggoned.
You see?
I told you
that whoever
gave it to us
is gonna tell me
about it.
You know, you and
Mr. Douglas are real folks.
Well, Mr. Douglas
didn't have
anything to do with it.
I bought it.
You? Well,
how did you know
what kind
i wanted?
You see, next week
is my husband's birthday.
What are you gettin'
for him?
That's none of
our business.
Mrs. Douglas,
I don't know how
to thank you.
Well, Mr. ziffel,
don't thank me.
You see, because--
because you've got
a big heart.
No, Mr. ziffel.
Mrs. Douglas,
you're a kind woman.
Oh, no, no.
You certainly are.
You don't know how
I've longed
for somethin'
like this.
Now I won't have to
walk behind a plow
in the hot sun.
Why, you've added
10 years to my life.
You're
a wonderful woman.
Yeah. They say
city folks don't care
about their neighbors,
but you sure do.
Oh, but--
yeah,
you may be city,
but, heh, you're
all country.
Oh, well.
Mrs. Douglas,
i thank you.
I thank you
for makin' this
the best birthday
i ever had.
Happy birthday,
Mr. ziffel.
[Music playing]
[Music playing]
Oliver, wake up.
What do you
want?
Are you awake?
I am now.
Well, if that's
your tone of voice,
go back to sleep.
As long as I'm awake,
what do you want?
Nothing.
Oh, for
the love of--
Oliver,
you're a lawyer,
aren't you?
You woke me up
to ask me--
you know
I'm a lawyer.
Good night.
That is not
the question!
Well, what is?
It's a hypodermical
question.
Hypodermical?
Yes. You see, there was
this friend of mine
who bought something
for someone,
who shall remain nameless,
and sent it to someone else,
who shall also
remain nameless,
and even though
they weren't related,
they both have
the same nameless.
Hypothetical.
Anyway,
the second nameless
thought it was for them
and they kept it.
Now, the question is,
how does my friend
get it back from
the second nameless
and send it
to the first nameless,
who should have had it
in the first place anyhow?
Well, the way I see it,
your friend
is in big trouble.
Why?
Because the way
you explain it,
nobody could ever
understand it.
Now, good night.
Well, I guess
you can't expect a man
who is 72 years
older than me
to stay up late.
[Snoring]
Fred, wake up.
Fred!
[Groans]
What's the matter?
I got a question
i want to ask you.
Oh, Doris, it's 12:00,
and I'm tired
from all that waltzin'.
Just answer me this--
how come Mrs. Douglas
bought you that tractor?
Wha-what do you mean?
Fred, what's goin' on
between you two?
Nothin'.
Hmm. Pretty fancy tractor
for nothin'.
Oh, Doris,
go on back to sleep.
Now, look here,
Fred ziffel!
[Arnold squealing]
Now you see
what you done?
You woke up Arnold.
[Oinks]
Go to sleep, Arnold.
No. Let him stay awake
and hear what kind of
a two-timin' man you are.
How could you
do this to me?
I've given you
the best years of my life.
That ain't
much of an argument
in your favor.
Oh, then you admit
you'd rather have her
than me.
Now, that is
the stupidest thing
anybody ever said.
Fred, why did she
give you that tractor?
It is my birthday.
Ha.
Then why didn't she tell
her husband about it?
Well, it probably
slipped her mind.
Yeah? Well,
I'll take care of that
first thing
tomorrow morning.
Mr. Douglas,
we got a problem.
We've got a problem?
Yeah, you and me.
You know what's been
goin' on behind our backs?
What?
Well, it ain't
easy to say,
but your wife
and my husband...
Yes?
You never read
Peyton place?
You mean...
You think that my wife
and your husb--
ha ha ha ha ha!
[Coughs]
Ha ha!
Well, you're laughin',
but he's got the new tractor,
and you ain't.
What's the tractor
got to do with it?
Guess who gave it to him.
You think my wife?
To my husband
for his birthday.
On his bir--
ohh.
Now I understand!
Sure. Ho ho!
Gosh, you city folks
sure are broad-minded.
Well, i--i--i--
now, who do you think
we should shoot first?
You don't have
to shoot anybody.
We always shoot.
No, no.
Before you get excited,
let me talk to my wife.
Well, all right.
But don't be
too hard on her.
You know, under
certain circumstances,
my Fred is irresistible.
[Music plays]
Lisa, sit down.
Not on my lap!
Oh. It's serious.
Yes, it is.
Is it as serious
as the time
when I tripped
the Duke of edinborough?
It's more serious.
Well, that was
pretty serious.
They wanted to
declare war on me.
Lisa, this concerns us.
We are at the crossroads.
We are?
I guess it's all over
between us.
It is?
Yes. I want you to know
that I harbor
no ill feelings.
I wish you and Mr. ziffel
the very best.
Well, that's very--
what is that about
the best of Mr. ziffel?
Lisa, you gave
Mr. ziffel a tractor.
Well, i--
no, there's no sense
in denying it.
Would you like
to help me pack?
But he wasn't
supposed to get one.
Then who was?
You was.
Then Mr. ziffel
has my tractor.
Who told you?
Well, I figured that out.
Mr. ziffel
is Mr. nameless, huh?
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm the other
Mr. nameless, hmm?
Yes.
But am I nameless one
or two?
You're always
number one for me.
Aha. Then how is it that
nameless two has my tractor?
Sit down.
Let me tell you.
You see, I bought this
tractor for you birthday,
and I had it
delivered to them,
and it was
his birthday, too,
and now he is dancing,
and you are not,
and the music is coming
out of the wheels.
Yes, yes, I've heard.
Well, you can just
go over there
and get my tractor back.
Well, I tried,
but it didn't work.
Then I'll do it myself.
Hello,
Mr. Douglas.
Hi, there, Mr. nameless--
uh, I mean, Mr. ziffel.
I came over here
to talk to you
about this tractor
that my wife--
ohh,
she told you, huh?
Yes, she did.
Well, bless
her little heart.
And yours, too,
Mr. Douglas.
You know,
this tractor
is like the answer
to my prayers.
Yes, but Mr. ziffel--
oh, you don't know
how things
have been with me.
They've been
very bad.
Well, I'm sorry--
Doris, you know,
she's slowed down
and couldn't pull a plow
like she used to.
I haven't been able
to plant
but half of
my acreage.
I couldn't meet my
mortgage payments,
and now,
with your gift,
why, I'll be out of
the red in no time.
This is what
i wanted to--
and I'll be able to buy
Doris some of the things
I've been denyin' her.
I can get Arnold
a new crib,
and maybe
a color TV.
That'll be wonderful.
But Mr.--
and all because
you and the missus
have such big hearts.
No, we really--
bless you, Mr. Douglas.
Bless you, sir.
And anytime
you want to borrow it,
you just come right on.
I want you to think
of that tractor
as your very own.
Well, at least
you can use it
whenever
you want to.
It's going to be
like it's your own.
Oh, it's not like
having my own,
but at least I want
to thank you
for having the thought
of giving me a tractor.
Oh, you're welcome.
It was very thoughtful
of you.
No, it was nothing.
You picked it out
all by yourself?
Yes.
And the stereo--
that was your idea?
Music out of
each wheel.
Mm. And the
air conditioning.
And the 2-way radio.
It was a beautiful
tractor.
Yes.
Then why in--
why did you have to
give it to Mr. ziffel?!
I'm never going to hear
the end of this.
What kind of a mallethead
would do a think like that?
Before you get real mad,
you want to give me
a happy birthday kiss?
[Theme music
playing slowly]
Well...
It's not like having
your own tractor...
[Sighs]
It's hard to believe
that you are 81 years
older than I am.
[Theme music playing]
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