Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 27 - Never Look a Gift Tractor in the Mouth - full transcript

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪

♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪



♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Oliver! Oliver!

What do you want?

Breakfast is ready!

Huh? What are
we having?

Something new I cooked.
It's a surprise.

A surprise?

Ooh!



And where are
you going?

Uh, oh, I was just--

shneaking out?

I wasn't shneak--
sneaking out.

This way is shneaking.
That way is breakfast.

I was going to call eb.

I call him.
Eb!

Yes, ma'am?

Breakfast
is ready!

What are we having?

Something new
i cooked.

Uh-oh.

I'll be there
in a few minutes!

Pray, tell me where
are you shneaking to?

I was sneaking--

I was gonna call
Mr. Douglas.

It's too late.
I already caught him.

Oh.

The kitchen
is that way.

[Clucking]

Mrs. Douglas, look!

Oh, Alice!

Darling, look!
Isn't this a miracle?

Depends on
who laid it.

Alice!

Then it's
no miracle.

But it is.

It's the first egg
she laid in a week.

I didn't know that.

We kept it from you.

We didn't want
to worry you.

I don't think
I'd have been worried.

Why, that's nice--

after the way
she worried about you

when you were sick.

Oh, I appreciate that.

[Clucks]

I bet you never
thanked her

for the get well card
she sent you.

[Alice clucks]

Alice.
Look how happy she is.

For a whole week,
she was very worried.

Every day of her life
she laid an egg,

then all of the sudden,

somebody pulled the rug
out from under her.

What was wrong
with her?

Her egg maker
was on the blink.

Her egg maker?

Yes. Hers
wasn't making it,

so we took her
to Dr. Stuart.

Dr. Stuart?

We'd have told you, but
we didn't want to worry you.

I wouldn't have
worried.

She worried about you
when you were sick.

Yes, I know. She sent me
a get well card.

You ever thank her?

Oh, eb.

Darling,
don't yell at eb.

He's the one
who saved Alice.

I thought you said
doc Stuart saved her.

He gave her up, but eb
fixed Alice's egg maker

so it was making again.

How did you do that?

I'm sorry,
but it ain't ethical

for a doctor to discuss
a patient's problems

with an outsider.

That happens to be
my chicken.

Oh, well,
in that case,

I guess it would be
all right

with the American
medical association.

I'm sure that it would.

All I did
was change her diet.

I took her off
hotcakes.

Lisa, you haven't been feeding
that chicken hotcakes.

Yes.

Well, no wonder her egg maker
went on the blink.

Well, don't worry.
We won't have it anymore.

No.
No more hotcakes.

No.

Hear, hear.

Uh, don't get
carried away

until you find out what
we're going to have instead.

[Plate breaks]

There you are--

your instead-of-hotcakes.

What is it?
Guess.

Uh, the hubcap
of a 1929 essex.

I don't know
how to make those.

Well, then I'm stuck.

It's an Italian pancake.

An Italian--

you probably know it
by its American name--

a pizza.

A pizza?

I scraped off the anchovies
and the mushrooms.

That's the dinner part.

Unless, of course,
you want the anchovies

and the mushrooms
for breakfast,

and then you can have
the pancake for dinner.

Lisa...

I'd rather we just
went back to hotcakes.

And ruin Alice's
egg maker?

Lisa, nobody eats anything
like this for breakfast.

Oh, boy,
my favorite breakfast--

scraped pizza.

Yum yum.

Oh, don't worry.
I'll fix.

Here's another one
for you, darling.

I don't think that--

[knock on door]

I'll get it.
I'll get it!

But what about
your Italian pancake?

Sweetheart,
you glue the anchovies

and the mushrooms
back on it,

and I'll it for
Columbus day breakfast.

[Knocks]

I don't think
they can hear us.

You'd better wheel Arnold
around to the back.

[Oinking]

You wheel him
around to the back.

I wheeled him
all the way over here.

Oh, ain't that
a fine thing?

Here we are on
an errand of mercy,

and you keeping account about
who's wheeling what where.

Well, my back
has just about had it.

Oh, Mr. ziffel.
What--what do you have here?

Hello, Mr. Douglas.
I'm sorry to disturb you,

but we got a mighty sick
pig on our hands.

Oh.

Uh, you know Doris?

Fred, will you stop

lumping me in
with your pig?

Oh, Mr. ziffel,
Mrs. ziffel.

Is something wrong?

Arnold's sick.

Oh, the poor thing.

Aw, he's been shivering
and shaking that way

all night long.

Just like his pappy did
before he moved on

to that big pigpen
in the sky.

[Oinking]

Yeah, but it ain't going
to happen to Arnold.

Where's eb?

Inside, finishing
his scraped pizza.

You see? They have 'em
for breakfast,

and they're
from New York.

Well, I don't care
where they're from.

We need eb to make
Arnold better.

Eb? What about
doc Stuart?

Well, we'd
rather have eb.

Would you mind
calling him?

Eb?

You know,
eb fixed Arnold up.

He's pretty good
with pigs.

Well, if it is
his egg maker,

eb can fix it.

His what?

Honey, pigs
don't have egg makers.

Yes, sir?

Oh, eb, take a look
at Arnold, will you?

[Squealing]

How long's he been shaking
and shivering this way?

All night long.

He's got a hot snoot.

He been suffering
from lassitudenessness?

He's been lassitudenessing
all over the place.

Aha. It's
the shim shams.

What's that?

I ain't got no time
for medical explanations.

Somebody boil
some hot water.

I'll do it.

You get a pail.
Right away.

Mr. ziffel,
you run into drucker's

and get a bottle
of Sawyer's soothing syrup.

I'm on my way.

Mr. Douglas, you wheel
the patient into the barn.

Yeah, I'll get him
into the--

what are you
talking about? In the--

I got to keep sterile.

Saved Arnold's life, huh?

I guess so.

You guess so?

Mr. and Mrs. ziffel
said

that eb saved Arnold

from going to the big
playpen in the sky.

Pigpen in the sky.

Well, wherever
he didn't go,

the ziffels
were very happy.

Oh, that eb.

He's sure got a way
with animals.

Doc Stuart always said
he should've been a vet.

A vet vot?

A veterinarian.

Oh, that kind
of a vet vot.

Well, if he'd make
such a good one,

why isn't he?

He has to go
to college.

Why?

To be a veterinarian,

you've got to have
a diploma.

Just like a doctor
that treats people.

Oh, well, people's doctor
i can understand,

because people
go to the office

and look
at the diploma,

but animals never.

Well...

Wait until you hear
the next part of it.

When eb
fixed up Alice,

she didn't look
for his diploma,

and neither did Arnold
when eb saved him

from the shiver shake
shim shams.

Well...

I don't think
she's finished.

Now, if eb
needs a diploma,

he should go
to college,

so he can become
a vegetarian.

Uh, I think he'd rather
become a veterinarian.

Well, whatever.
Why doesn't he?

I don't think
he can afford to.

Well, if he can't,
i know who can.

Why should we send eb
to college?

What would have
happened

if your father
had said that to you?

He didn't.

Well, that proves it.

Proves what?

Your father was nicer
than you are.

College can be
pretty expensive.

How expensive?

Mink coat expensive
or sable coat expensive?

Mink.

Well, then why don't we send
eb to college instead?

Instead of what?

You buying me
a mink coat.

I wasn't going
to buy you a mink coat.

Well, then
you certainly can afford

to send eb to college.

Lisa...

Although if I go to visit
eb in college,

it wouldn't be nice
if I would go

without a mink coat.

He wouldn't mind.

Did your mother
ever visit you at Harvard

without a mink coat?

Many times.

I guess it didn't matter

who your mother was
in those days.

No. The standards
were much lower.

What are we
talking about?

About the kind of a mink coat
you're going to buy me

when I visit eb
in college.

If eb goes to college,

you're not going
to get a mink coat.

How about a mink stole?
No.

Earmuffs?
No.

Finger warmer?
Nothing.

I hope eb appreciates
the sacrifice I made

to send him to college.

Lisa, we don't
even know

if he wants to go
to college.

Send me to college?

Oh! Ooh!

Watch what
you're doing.

You want me to kiss it,
Mr. Douglas?

No!
Let it alone.

I'm sorry. It's just
that I got so excited.

Do you really
mean it?

Yeah. We've been
thinking about it.

Gosh, nobody's ever done
anything like this for me.

Well, eb--

nobody. Nobody!

I repeat--nobody
has ever done anything

like this
for me before.

Yeah, I think I can
understand why!

I'll pay you back,
Mr. Douglas--every penny.

No.

I insist.

Just keep
accurate records--

not like the ones you keep
for the income tax department.

Eb--

eb, did my husband
tell you?

Yes, he did,

and I want to thank you
for what you're doing.

Like I was telling
Mr. Douglas,

nobody has ever done
anything

like this
for me before--

nobody. Nobody!

Well, we are very glad
to do it.

We never had a boy
to send to college before.

I'll make you proud
of me, mom.

You, too, dad.

Eb, we're just
sending you to college.

We're not adopting you.

Why don't we?

Yes, why don't we?

If I'm your son,

then I won't have to pay you
back for sending me.

Oliver, you told him
to pay us back?

He suggested it
himself.

Oh, well, eb, you don't
have to pay us back.

Thanks. Now,
my next question is...

How do I get
to Harvard?

Well, you--
Harvard?

Well, if it was
good enough for you,

it's good enough
for him.

Lisa, he's not
going to Harvard.

If he's not going
to Harvard,

he's not going
to college.

Mrs. Douglas,
i don't care where I go.

You stay out of this.

This is between
your father and me.

I'm not his father.

You sure know
how to hurt a guy.

No, no, I didn't mean
to hurt you.

I'm trying to help you.

I mean, surely
there must be

some local college
around here

where you can study
veterinary medicine.

I guess there is.

Why don't you ask
Mr. kimball?

Ah, Mr. kimball.

Mr. Douglas,
come in, come in.

Thank you. don't let me
interrupt you.

No, no, no.
I'm all finished.

Care for
a cup of coffee?

No. No, thank you.

I always make coffee
in a test tube.

It's more scientific.

Well, it's not
scientific. It's...

How about some
scientific tea?

No, no, i--

scientific
hot chocolate?

Nothing, nothing.

Say, this is
the first time

you ever been
up to my office.

Let me show you around.

That's a lab table.
Ha ha.

Oh?

That's a desk...

And that's a cabbage.

You can tell
it's a cabbage by--

I know how to tell
it's a cabbage.

Hey, you're really learning
that farming game.

Mr. kimball,

I came up here to find out
about a college

where you could learn
to be a veterinarian.

Mr. Douglas, just because
you recognize a cabbage

doesn't mean you're
qualified to be a vet.

I'm not talking about myself.
I'm talking about eb.

Oh, eb would make
a fine vet.

He's kind,
intelligent, and...

Eb who?

The boy
who works for me.

Oh. He'd make
a fine vet, too.

Well, Mr. kimball,

are there any good
local colleges?

How about the one
i went to?

Are there any others?

Well, there's--

oh. Ha ha ha.
That was a joke, huh?

Ha ha ha. No, I don't
think that was a joke.

Mr. kimball,
about the colleges...

Oh, there's a county college
at the county seat.

It has a fine school
of veterinary medicine

and a good
agricultural school.

Has one of the finest humus
departments in the country.

Humus?

Oh, that was my major.

I took
4 years of it--

elementary humus,
intermediate humus,

and advanced humus.

I got straight a's
in humus.

Say, that's very nice.

Yeah. I would've made
phi beta kappa,

but I flunked
compost 2.

Mr. kimball,
would you recommend

county college
for eb?

County college, they--

yes. Did you say
eb was going?

I thought
you understood that.

Oh, I do.
No, I don't.

I thought eb
couldn't afford to go.

Well, we're thinking
of sending him.

Mr. Douglas...

That's a nice thing.

No, not nice--
unselfish.

No, not unselfish--
magnanimous.

Yes, that's the word--
magnanimous.

That is a word.
I didn't make it up.

I didn't think you did.
Well, thank you very much.

Oh, oh, if eb decides
to go to college,

tell him I'll be
very happy to help him

with his humus homework.

Well, that's very
magnanimous of you.

Wish he'd use
his own words.

County college!

Yeah, that's right, eb.

Kimball says
it's a good school.

Then it's all settled.

What about his clothes
for college?

What's wrong
with these?

Oh, no.
You'll need a suit.

Darling, should we
send him to New York

to your tailor,

or should we fly
your tailor here?

Lisa, eb doesn't need
a tailor-made suit.

Yeah, I can buy
a fancy suit in pixley

with a vest
and 2 pair of pants.

How much?
8.95.

8.95?

If that's too much,

I can go to one
of the cheaper stores.

You know, the kind
that don't have

the nra eagle
on the window.

And while
you're there, eb,

get some socks, shoes,
shirt, and a mink coat.

Lisa.

Eb, get whatever
you need.

[Antique car horn
honks]

Mr. haney,
what--what...

Mr. Douglas, I wonder
if you can help me.

Do you happen
to have

any raccoon coat
rejuvenator?

Any what?

I'd hate to send a boy
off to college

in a unrejuvenated
raccoon coat.

What boy?

A young feller over
at crabwell corners.

His father ordered him

this complete
college kit--

stutz bearcat,
raccoon coat,

ukulele ike ukulele,

and this genuine
Elliot ness hip flask

filled with non-alcoholic
dandelion wine.

Oh, that lucky,
lucky boy.

I'm just delivering it
to him.

Oh, secuse me--
the telephone.

I didn't hear
a phone ring.

Well,
these mobile units

all come with
supersonic rings

heard only
by the subscriber.

Hello.
Haney here.

What?

Oh, well, all right.

[Hangs up]

How do you like that?

Feller just
canceled out his order

for this complete
college kit.

And now
you're stuck with it.

Yeah, I guess I am,

unless I can find
somebody

that's sending a boy
to college.

Mr. haney, I got
to give you credit.

I knew you were going
to get around to me,

but I couldn't
figure out how.

Are you sending a boy
to college?

I am.

I'm probably too late.

A generous man
like you,

he must've already
bought him his college kit.

No, I haven't.

Then this is
my lucky day.

No, it isn't.

Mr. Douglas, are you going
to send a boy to college

without
a stutz bearcat

and a raccoon coat?

I'm afraid I am.

At least
he ought to have

this official
instruction book

for singing
like Betty boop.

Betty--

♪ boop boop
be-doop, boop ♪

No.

How about
an autographed picture

of gilda grey
for his gym locker?

Uh, I've bought him
everything he needs.

Of course
you got him

a genuine
Rudy vallee Stein

with the words
to the Maine Stein song

etched on the bottom.

No.

Mr. Douglas,

you're sending
this boy to college

without any
statius symbols.

He'll just have
to suffer.

Well, I'm not going
to let him.

At least
i can give him this

free of charge.

What's that?

15 yards of catgut

for restringing
his tennis racket.

He doesn't have
a tennis racket.

He doesn't have
a tennis racket?

How would you
like to buy

this genuine
bill tilden smasher?

Mr. haney,
how would you like me

to dent your hip flask?

Ok, Mr. Douglas.

Mmm. Something
smells good.

What are you
cooking?

Pizza insides.

Oh, you still had
some scrapings left, huh?

Well, I didn't want
to waste any.

Oh, that wouldn't have
bothered me.

Uh, where's eb?

Inside,
packing for college.

Oh.

He's leaving
in the morning.

Yeah.

Are you going to cry?

No.

Well, I am.

Why?

Well, I think
he expects it.

Oh, Lisa.

I think you ought
to cry, too.

Believe me,
it is not necessary.

Well, at least blow
your nose a few times,

just so that he knows
that you'll miss him.

If I have
a handkerchief.

Eb: Mr. Douglas,
Mrs. Douglas are you ready?

For what?

I've got
my new suit on.

Oh, well, come in.

Close your eyes.

Come on in.

How do you
like it?

I should've
closed my eyes.

You look
very nice, eb.

You'd never guess this was
store-bought, would you?

The salesman said
this is what

all the fellers wear
at Harvard.

Come on, eb.
Sit down.

Yes, ma'am.

I suppose you want
to talk to me.

What about?

Whatever an older man
talks to a younger man about

at a time
like this.

Oh, I've got nothing
to say to you

except just
take care of yourself.

You know, work hard,
get good marks.

You don't want
to touch on girls, huh?

Eb--

if you want to know
anything about girls,

you better talk to me.
I used to be one.

What about them?

Now, the most important
thing to remember

is never let a girl
kiss you good night

on your first date.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, that'll give you
a real bad reputation.

Eb, all you have
to remember

is that there are
all kinds of girls.

Some are, uh...

And others are, uh...

And--ahem.

Have you finished
packing?

Yes, sir.
What about the others?

Uh...

Eb, if you got
any problems,

discuss them
with your counselor.

Gosh, Mr. Douglas,

I always knew
there were facts of life,

but this is
the first time

anybody ever
explained them to me.

Well, I'm glad I had
the opportunity.

You sure must've had a lot
of experience with women.

You did?

Uh, he said it,
i didn't.

Well, you must've had
quite a reputation

if he heard it
all the way out to here.

He didn't hear anything.

He just made a statement.
Eb, why do you--

you always said
i was the only woman

you ever knew.

Well, you were.

I was?

Yes.

All the other women
didn't mean anything?

No.

Then there were
other women.

Uh, yes, there were--

my mother, my sister,
my aunt.

Relatives don't count.

Oh, for the love
of Pete, honey.

Anybody interested
in the fact

that I'm leaving
tomorrow?

Oh, eb, I am so sorry.
Yes, yes.

I sure am going
to miss you folks.

Well, we're going
to miss you.

Yes, we are.

I'll write to you.

Oh, that will be
very nice.

Will you write to me?

Yes.

What about?

Why don't you go
finish packing?

Yes, sir.

Mr. Douglas,
Mrs. Douglas,

I just want you
to know that nobody,

but absolutely
nobody--

finish packing!

Yes, sir.

Oliver.

Hmm?

What time is it?

[Sighs]
A little after 3:00.

I miss him.

Who?

Eb. He left
this morning for college

8 hours ago.

10.

You counting?

Well...

You miss him, too.

It's kind of lonely
around here.

Why don't we go up
to college and visit him?

It's his first day.

Well, when are we
going to see him?

Eb:
Turn around.

Hello, folks.
I'm home from college.

You just got there
this morning.

I know. Boy,
that's a tough school.

I flunked one question
on the entrance exam,

and they threw me out.

One question?
What was it?

"What high school
did you graduate from?"

You mean
you didn't finish--

no, sir.

Well, that's
ridiculous.

Why didn't you
say something?

I didn't think
it was important.

Well, of course
it's important.

How do you
expect to go--

I guess I'll have
to give back the suit.

Oh, no, keep it.

And the socks
and the shirts?

They're yours.

And the stutz
bearcat?

What stutz bearcat?

What is
a stutz bearcat?

It's an automobile.

You bought eb
an automobile,

and you didn't buy me
a mink coat?

No, I didn't buy him
an automobile.

Well, you didn't buy me
a mink coat, either.

Gosh, it's good
to be home,

watching
mom and dad fight.

Will you change your clothes
and get back to work?

Yes, sir.

Oh, that poor boy--

thrown out of college

just because he didn't
graduate from high school.

Oliver, tell me.

Where did we fail?

Where did--

it's not our fault.

It's always
the parents' fault.

Your mother
told me that.

She took the blame for
the way you turned out.

What's the matter
with the way I turned out?

Well, you always put
your arms around girls,

kissing them.

Now, you're the only girl
i ever do that to.

Well, as long as
i am here,

go ahead.
Be a big failure.

[Lisa laughs]

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