Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 26 - The Ballad of Molly Turgiss - full transcript

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪

♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪



♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Ok, eb,
crank her up.

Yes, sir.

[Grinding]

Oh, come on,
come on.

It's a little stiff.

Here.
I'll do it.

All you got
to do is--ooh.



All you got
to do is...

Whatever you have to do,
you ain't doing it.

don't worry.
I'll get it going.

It sure makes
a lot of noise.

Oh, you finally
got it running.

What was that
drick?

Drick?

Well, I thought
i saw...

Well, can i
plug in now?

Oh, yes, yes, but only
under my supervision.

You don't trust me.

I trust you. Oh,
i trust you, all right,

but every time you plug in
an electrical appliance,

you blow out
the generator.

You're mad at me.
No.

You're going to send me
to bed without my supper.

Lisa, will you--

you won't let me watch
television for a whole week.

Lisa, you want me
out there every day

fixing the generator?

Well, it keeps you
close to home.

Yeah, but I got
other things to do.

Now, let's go over
that plug board once more.

And I won't get
my allowance.

You are going
to get something

if you don't
listen to me.

Now, as I've told you
innumerable times,

the generator cannot handle
more than a total of 7 units.

Now, each of these
electrical appliances

is numbered according
to the amount

of electricity
it uses.

Now, the trick is
not to plug in

more than
a total of 7.

Right?

Right.

This is a 3, right?
Right.

All right, how much more
can I plug in?

Well, let me see.
7.

Now, you have a 3.

Now, detract
3 from 7.

Detract?

Well, unless
you want me to go

on the shorts
division route.

No, no, no. Stay
with the detraction.

Well, you pull
down a one,

and you
shove over a 2.

No. This is not
a shove over problem.

Lisa, 3 from 7
leaves 4.

Any schoolboy
knows that.

Well, I was
a schoolgirl,

and I didn't find
that out until I was 12.

I went to
an all-girl school.

All right. Now I'm
going to plug in a 2.

That makes 5, hmm?

All right. Now I will
plug in a one.

Now, this only
makes 6.

You kuh-pooeyed
on 6.

It's not supposed
to do that.

Well, yesterday,
it kuh-pooeyed on 5.

You should've
told me.

Well, you get mad enough
when it does it on 7.

Mr. Douglas, we just had
another kuh-pooey.

I know.

Want to take the generator
apart again?

No.
Forget it.

That thing is
never going to work.

Darling, when are we
going to get

our regular
electrizzical?

I don't know. I put in
the application

to Mr. drucker
7 months ago.

How do you get
electricity out here?

Ben Franklin
over at crabwell corners

uses a kite and a key.

Oh, that was funny.

His real name is
Alexander Graham bell,

but that don't go with
flying a kite with a key.

Eb!

Darling, why don't you go
and talk to Mr. drucker?

You mean to tell me

you ain't got
your electricity yet?

No, I haven't,

and I'm still waiting
for the telephone company

to run that wire
into the house.

I'm getting
a little tired

of climbing
a telephone pole

every time
the phone rings.

Oh, well, I can't
help you with that.

I only represent

the county power, gas,
and water company.

What's holding them up?

It's been 7 months.

It has?
Yes.

That's right.
You came in here

the day after
you moved in, didn't you?

[Blows]

You filled out
an application,

and I put it
in an envelope,

and I forgot
to mail it.

You forgot?

Well, those things
happen.

Only in hooterville.

Well, don't worry,
Mr. Douglas.

I'll put it in the mail
first thing tomorrow morning.

don't bother.
I'll take it over

to the county seat
myself.

Excuse me,
i would like to apply--

take a number.

But--

sir, your friendly county
power, gas, and water company

installed this system
at great expense

so's there wouldn't be
any soreheads

amongst its
friendly customers.

Number 4.

Have you got number 4?

No, I've got 22.

Number 5.

Number 5?

There's nobody here
but me.

Number 6.

7?

19.

Some of our customers

walked off with
the numbers in between.

Maybe they got tired
of waiting.

20.

21.

23.

No, no, no, no.
22.

Oh?

I thought
we'd lost that.

No, no.
There it is--22.

Very well.

Now, what can
your friendly

county power, gas, and
water company do for you?

I want electricity
for my farmhouse.

Where is it?

Hooterville.
The old haney place.

The haney place?

Yes. I...

Will you fill out
this application?

I filed an application
7 months ago.

Sam drucker.

Just a moment.

I'm sorry.

I don't have any application
for Sam drucker.

My name is Douglas.

Oh.

I'm sorry,
my good man,

but I don't have one
for Douglas drucker, either.

My name is Oliver
Wendell drucker--Douglas.

I filed the application
7 months ago

with Sam drucker.

He's your representative
at hooterville.

He forgot to mail it.

Left it in his drawer
for 7 months.

I need electricity.

I'm using
an old generator.

It's very unreliable.

Now, I filed this
application 7 months ago.

I feel that I am entitled
to electricity.

You certainly are.

We'll have somebody
at your house

tomorrow morning.

[Knocks]

Oh, come in.

Uh, Mrs. Douglas?
Yes.

I'm from the--

could you please
help me?

I don't seem to be able
to close it.

Oh.

Oh, I think you've got
too many dishes in there.

Oh?

[Dishes break]

[Slams shut]

Oh, you were right.

Oh, my name's lawlor.

I'm from the power,
gas, and light company.

Oh, good, you finally
brought us

our electrizzical.

Oh, well, you know,
this isn't big enough.

We use an awful lot
of it.

We need one,
oh, about this big.

Well, this is not
your electrizzical--

I mean your electricity.

You see,
this is the meter.

I'm the installer.

Oh? What does that do,
Mr. lawlor?

Well, it--it adds up
how many--

how much electricity
you use.

Oh, you mean it adds up
so it isn't more than 7?

I beg your pardon?

Well, come on,
I'll show you.

Now, you see,
the can opener is a one.

The coffee pot,
the electric iron,

and the toaster
are a 2.

The frying pan is a 3.
The rotisserie is a 4.

The dishwasher is a 5.

The washing machine,
the freezer,

and the refrigerator
are a 6.

Now, if you're using
the refrigerator,

which is a 6,

the only thing you can
plug in with that

is the can opener.

So if you have
a can for dinner,

you can't have
coffee with it.

Well, you see,
this is just a meter

that measures
the amount of electricity

you use every month.

How does that work?

Well, it just counts

the number of kilowatts
you use.

We won't need
any killer's watts.

All we need is
some electrizzical.

Now, look, I'm just
the installer.

If you want
anything explained,

the lineman
can do that.

Now, where do you
want me to put this up?

Is this the only color
it comes in?

Yes, ma'am.

It isn't very pretty,

so we can't put it
in the living room.

Well, you see,
it has to go outside.

That's so that Pete will be
able to read it every month.

Oh?
Who is Pete?

Peter greeder
the meter reader.

Well, you can put it
above the bedroom window

if you promise
when Peter reads the meter

he's not going to look
into the window.

Oh, pardon me.

Certainly, certainly.

Who was that?

That was Mr. lawlor.
He's from the power company.

Wonderful. Are they
putting in the power lines?

No, no, no. Mr. lawlor's
just the installer.

He puts in the thing

for Peter greeder
the meter reader.

Whom?

Peter greeder
the meter reader.

The meter reader?

His name is
Peter greeder.

Oh, that's very poetic.

Peter greeder
the meter--

what's he putting
the meter in for?

So Peter greeder...

Can read the reter.
I know, but--

you blew it.

What's he putting in
the meter for?

We haven't even installed
the power lines.

All I know is that
once a month Peter greeder--

I'll ask him.

There. That ought
to hold her.

Wait just a moment.

Do you usually
put the meter in

before you put
the lines in?

Oh, yes, sir.
That's company policy.

Aha. Well, when are
the lines going to be in?

Well, sometime
this afternoon.

You see, the boys
are putting up the poles,

and they're
stringing the wire

from the main line
on the county road.

Oh, fine, fi--

hey, the meter's
running.

Huh?

So it is, so it is.

How can it do that? There
isn't any electricity yet.

Must be
a defective meter.

Yeah, it must be--
wait a minute.

Aren't you going to do
something about it?

Oh, I'm sorry. You see,
I'm just lawlor the installer.

If you've got a complaint,
you have to take it up

with Peter greeder--
he's the meter reader.

Yes, I know
who Peter greeder is.

Can you wait
just a moment?

I'm going to call
the pounty cower--the--

wait a minute.

Where is my husband?

He just went up
the pole.

Does he always do that
when he gets mad?

That's where
the phone is.

Oh, well,
that makes it handy.

You see, when
the telephone company

installed the phone,
they ran out of wire,

and they couldn't
put it in the house,

so they put it
on the top of the pole.

Darling...

Darling,
who are you calling?

The power company.
The meter's running.

It's supposed to.

That's how they measure
the killer's watts.

Isn't that right?

Yeah,
something like that.

Number 7.

Anybody got number 7?

Number 8.

[Rings]

This is
your friendly

county power, gas,
and water company.

This is
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Who?

Oliver Wendell Douglas.
I was there yesterday.

Well, I am sorry.

We have so many people
in here all the time

it's hard to remember
anybody.

Number 9?

Has anybody got
number 9?

Hey, I was number 22.

Oh, yes,
i remember you, Mr. 22.

They connect
your lines yet?

No, but they put
the meter in.

Company policy.

No, but the meter's
running,

and it isn't even
connected.

How about that.

Well, let me talk
to lawlor the installer.

He wants to talk to you.

Not me.

I'm not climbing that pole.
I'm afraid of heights.

Lawlor won't climb
the pole.

What pole?

The one I'm calling from.

Oh. Well, you tell lawlor
to bring the meter in,

and we'll give you
a new one.

Thank you.

What are you going to do
with it, miss Douglas?

Well, maybe we can
sell it back to Mr. haney

with the no-good
degenerator.

That'll be the day.

I'll go move
the electric stove in place.

Right.

Oh, morning, Mrs. Douglas.
How are you?

Hello, Mr. kimball.
I'm fine.

Well, I'm not
really fine.

I have
a little headache.

Well, it isn't
a little headache.

It's a--
it went away.

I know somebody
who talks just like that.

Well, not just
like that.

What was his name?
Oh, yes. It was...

No, it wasn't him.
He had a Texas drawl.

Well, it was a drawl.
It--

oh, you going to do
some outdoor cooking?

No. We don't need this
anymore.

We're going to cook with
an electrizzical stove.

Oh, and they finally put in
your electrizzical, huh?

Oh, well, the degenerator
finally went drick.

Drick?

I had an electric egg-beater
that went drick.

No, it went drack.

Drick drack, drick drack.

Very soothing.

It used to put me to sleep
every time I made an omelet.

Well, they put in
a meter,

but they had
to take it back

because it was running
without electrizzical.

Oh, they tried
to palm off

the old running meter
on you, huh?

Well, electric power is going
to make a big difference

in your life,
Mrs. Douglas.

How?

Well, um...

How what?

How is it going
to make a difference?

Well, there's
lots of things

your husband
can use electricity for

around the farm.

Such as?

Well, he can buy
an electric milking machine.

Then we won't need
a cow anymore.

You need a cow. You just
don't need any hands.

Well, you need hands,
but not for...

Tss, tss, tss, tss, tss.

What is that
tss, tss, tss, tss, tss?

Oh, that was milking
a cow by hand. Ha ha.

But with a machine,

well, you take
these tubes,

and you attach them
to the cow's...

Uh, under the...

Well, you know.

No, I don't know.

Well, you see,
the cow has...

And you attach the...

Where's your husband?

Oh, down the road,

talking to the man
with the power poles.

Well, tell him
i was here,

and if he wants
a milking machine,

I know where he can get
a good buy on one.

Ah.

Now, Mr. Douglas,

I can give you a good buy
on this milking machine.

Mr. haney, i--

it's a genuine
Cooper cow coaxer.

It's guaranteed
to persuade milk

out of the most
bashful cow.

Mr. haney, I don't need
a milking machine.

Well, of course
you don't,

but what about
your cow?

My cow--

Mr. Douglas, just put
your finger in there.

No, I don't--

oh, go on.
Aw, for--

here. Go on.
Here. Go on.

Ain't that soothing?

It's fur lined.

Fur?

Soft, warm.

Your cow will moo
with joy

not to have to put up
with your cold fingers

on a frosty morning.

It won't hurt her
to suffer a little.

Mr. Douglas,

what's the sense
of having electricity

if you ain't going
to put it to good use?

I'm going to put it
to good use.

How about an electric
cream separator?

No.

Now, to look at it,

you would never believe
that this little machine

knows enough to separate
the cream from the milk,

put the milk
in the big bottles

and the cream
in the little ones.

Well, good for it,
but I don't want it.

How about an electric
butter churn?

No!

How about an electric
permanent hair waver

for the little woman?

No, thank you.

We found a perfect spot

for the midway pole,
Mr. Douglas.

Oh, good.

It'll be about a hundred
yards straight in.

Uh-huh.

Then we can take
the line from there

over to the pole
next to your house.

Fine.
Ok.

Say, that is a good
place for a pole.

Then you won't have to run
the line over the hill,

across the creek,
through the apple orchard,

and then up to your house.

That's why we chose it.

That'll be $800.

$800? For what?

For putting a pole
on my land.

On your land?

Yeah, you know,
when I sold you this farm,

I inadvertently kept
that little strip of land.

Inadvertently?

Yeah, I figured you might
need it sometime.

Mr. haney,
i happen to remember

the boundaries of the land
that I bought from you,

and they run along
the line of the fence

down to that stump,

and that pole is on...
Your land.

900.

Not a nickel.

I'll put the pole
on my land.

Sure you can,

and we'll all
stand here

and watch it slowly sink
into the swamp.

Mr. haney, you--

now, now, Mr. Douglas,

before you go saying
anything about me

that's going
to up the price,

I just want you to know
i was joshing.

I'm going to give you
a quit claim to that land,

and it ain't going
to cost you a cent.

Well, that's
very nice of you.

Well, I wouldn't feel right
charging all that money

to somebody
that had just bought

an electric milking machine,
cream separator,

butter churn, and
permanent waver from me.

Mr. haney,
you're a pirate!

Care to buy
a jolly Roger?

What did you get
all these things for?

Well, that haney
had me over a barrel.

Again?

Well, we can use them.

Is this
the milking machine?

Now, does that look like
a milking machine?

Well, I don't know.
I never saw one.

Well, one thing I know.

This is the permanent
wave machine.

Lisa, that's
the milking machine.

Well, I never saw
one of those.

Lisa--

Mr. Douglas,
they got your--

hey, you bought
a permanent wave machine.

That's
a milking machine.

Oh. Well, anyway, they got
your wires all strung.

Oh? Oh, at last.
Come on.

Now we'll be able to--

why did they put
the pole here?

They haven't connected it
to the house.

No, sir. We can't connect it
unless you got a meter.

They installed a meter
this morning.

But they took it away.
It was a detective.

Defective.

Well, we can't hook it up
unless you got a meter.

Well, I'll see
about that.

Darling!

No. I'm sick
of this bungling,

this red tape.

Hey, who took
the telephone?

Darling, you climbed
the wrong pole.

Oh, boy.

Ah, Mr. powers.

Take a number.

What do I need
a number for?

So you won't miss
your turn.

No, but I'm
the only one--

take a number,
or I can't wait on you.

What number
do you have?

22.

Number 5.

Who has number 5?

Number 6.

Number 6?

Number 6!

Mr. powers, your company
installed the power lines,

but they won't
connect them to the house

because we don't
have a meter.

Oh, yes. The one
we gave you was defective.

That's right.

Well, we're returning it
to the factory

for a replacement.

The factory?
You don't have one?

No, sir.
Number 7!

Mr. powers,

how long will I have
to wait for the meter?

6 months.

6 months?

Where's the factory?

Japan.

Japan?
Shh!

Mr. powers,
i can't wait 6 months.

How am I going to run
my milking machine,

my cream separator,
my permanent wave machine?

Your what?

Mr. powers, you've got
to connect me.

Mister...22,

your friendly county power,
gas, and water company

isn't called
your friendly county

power, gas, and water
company for nothing.

I'm going to do something
friendly for you.

Aha. When?

Now, run along
and don't worry.

[Sighs]

Get me installations.

Lisa!

Darling, darling,
you've done it.

The man from
the powers company

called the poleman
and told him

to hook up
the electricikity.

Wonderful.
We need the--

[click]

It doesn't work.

Yes, it does.
You have to do it.

What are you
talking about?

Come.
I'll show you.

They didn't connect
the wires to the house.

Well, you have
to do that.

It works on the principle
of climbing the pole.

Climbing the pole?

Yes, yes.
They put the socket

on top of the pole,

and this wire
is connected

to the plug board
in the kitchen.

Now, if you want
electrizzical,

all you have to do
is to take this

and climb up the pole
and push it in.

Well, why didn't they
just connect it direct?

Well, not without
a meter.

Oh, those no-good...

Well, at least
it's something.

Darling, darling,
be careful.

Yeah.

Narrator: On Tuesday,
November 9, 1965,

New York City,
9 eastern states,

and 3 Canadian provinces

were plunged
into total darkness,

affecting
30 million people

within an area
of 80,000 miles.

Many different explanations
were advanced

as to the cause of
this gigantic power failure.

This is ours.

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment