Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 2 - Lisa's First Day on the Farm - full transcript

The bedroom's just
lovely, Horace.

I think we ought
to take it.

Are these the people
that are subletting

the apartment?

Yes. That's Mr.
and Mrs. Douglas.

He's an attorney.
Do you know him?

No, but I'd like
to know her.

Horace!

I think
we'll take it.

Well, splendid...
But there are

a couple of
conditions.



Now, the furniture

doesn't go
with the place.

What's the other condition?

You must take care
of the farm.

The farm?

Would you care
to step out

into the field?

What's that?
A watermelon with jaundice?

It's a squash.

Oh! I beg your...

What on earth
is this?

Oh, that...

Why, it's
a scarecrow.

In a scaparelli?



Mr. Douglas was
worried about crows.

Should've been worried
about squirrels.

They'd probably bury
a nut like him.

Horace!

Well, if he
wanted a farm,

he should've
bought one.

He did.

Oscar: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling I love you,
but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

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ooh! Careful, eb!
There ain't no market

for banged-up
bathtubs.

Say, Mr. haney, doesn't
this go with the place?

I sold Douglas
a farm house

unfurnished.

It sure is.

What you going to do
with all this stuff?

Sell it.

You got somebody
to buy it?

I will have,
just as soon as

Mr. Douglas
shows up.

You got any idear
when he will?

I don't know.
I hear he

and his wife
are staying

at the shady
rest hotel

for the past 3 days.

Come on. Let's see
if I left anything.

I doubt it.

Isn't it beautiful?

Let's go back
to New York.

We're not going back
to New York.

This is our home.

Aren't you going
to get out?

No, thanks.

Lisa...

We've been driving
out here for 3 days.

You've got to get out
of the car sometime.

Tomorrow.

Today.

don't you want to see
what the inside looks like?

Give me a couple
of more days

to get used
to the outside.

You, too.

That's where you're
going to live.

Arf! Arf! Arf!

Oh, Mr. Douglas.

Hi.

Well, how are you,
Mr. Douglas?

Fine, just fine.
Lisa...

This is Mr. haney.

He's the man who
sold me the farm.

Why, Mr. haney,
how...

Well, now, wait a minute,
Mrs. Douglas,

your husband was cold sober
when he bought this place.

Should I take this?

That belongs
to the new owners.

We was just cleaning
out the place.

Anybody in the city

ever do anything
like that for you?

My maid.

Oh, Mr.
and Mrs. Douglas...

This here is eb.
He used to work for me.

Howdy.

Mr. Douglas...

You wouldn't be needing
a hired hand, would you?

No, no, I won't.
I'm--I'm planning

on farming
this place myself.

You ever done
any farming?

Oh, a little.

Darling, don't be
so modest.

My husband had

the biggest squash
on park avenue.

Gee!

Well, I gotta be
running along.

I hope you like
the place, Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, uh, by the way,
Mr. Douglas,

uh, if you need
anything for the house...

I won't.

You might.

Mr. Douglas,
are you sure

you don't need
a hired hand?

No, I won't.

Ok. But if you
change your mind,

I'll be around.

[Engine chugging]

My dear...

Now, wait a second.

We're not going in!

Darling,
this is the start

of a whole
new life for us.

Sort of a second
honeymoo-o-n.

Wouldn't it be easier
if I walked?

[Straining] No, I'm
going to carry you.

You can't open it.

No.

Why don't we come back
another time...

Like next year?

don't worry.
We'll get in.

Are we always
going to come

in the house
this way?

No. I'll fix
the front door.

There, now.

Won't you help me
climb back outside?

Lisa!

Oliver, did you
really see

this house
when you bought it?

Well, of course.

In the daytime?
Yes!

And you bought it?

Lisa, I wanted
this farm.

I had to have it.

Haven't you ever seen
a dress you just had to have,

although it was too small
and the style was not right,

you bought it anyway?

Yes, but I never bought
a dress like this.

Oliver: Honey...

You know this house
is over 100 years old.

Just think what
we can do with this.

I am thinking.

Well, it's going
to look a lot better

once we get our
furniture in here.

We'll put the couch
right here.

And then
in the winter,

you and I can sit
on the couch.

We can gaze into
the fireplace.

Listening
to the crackling

of the log.

[Thunk]

And the falling
of the bricks.

Oh, I can fix this
with a little glue.

I'll say one thing
for this house.

It has a good-sized
closet.

Oh, that's
the bedroom.

Well, how are we
going to get

the king-sized bed
in there?

We'll build
bunk beds.

[Crash]

I'll fix it--
whatever it is.

Oliver, that wallpaper.

don't worry.
We'll get new wallpaper.

Look at that view.

Can you imagine
being able to sit

in your own living room
and see a view like that?

I'll fix it!

What do you see

from this side
of the room?

Look at that!
Solid plaster!

[Thump]

So is the ceiling.

I'll fix it!

This is
the bathroom.

Well, where is
the bathtub and the sink?

Oliver, how could you
buy a house without seeing

if it had a bathtub
and a sink in here?

Oh, I'm not interested
in the house.

I'm interested
in the farm.

What's that?

The shower!

I'll get a curtain
for it.

Wait until
you see this.

This is the most
important room

in the house.

[Crash]

I'll fix it.

Well, at least
this is

a good-sized
bedroom.

Bedroom?
This is the kitchen.

But you said
it was the most

important room
in the house.

In a farmhouse,

the kitchen is
the most important room.

Look!

This cupboard space!

Well, we'll have
to paint the shelves

and line them
with paper.

It's already lined.

I told you this place
was more than 100 years old.

Oh, Oliver!

Dear, wait until
our stuff gets here.

We'll put
the refrigerator there,

the stove there,
the dishwasher there,

Oliver, do you mind

if I ask
you a question?

Of course!
This is your house, too.

Where are
the electrical outlets?

Electrical outlets?

They're always
at the...

Yeah, you'll
find the...

There aren't any,

and I haven't seen
any lights.

This house doesn't
have any electricity.

Of course it has
electricity.

How did Mr. haney shave?

Electricity's
no problem.

I'll just telephone
the light company.

How?
Well, the phone!

What phone?

On the telephone.
There's...

I'll take care of it.

No phone,
no electricity,

no bathtub,
no sink, nothing!

I'm going to get
all those things.

Get the phone first.

Then you can call me
in New York.

Lisa!

You promised you'd
try it out for 6 months.

Did I?
Yes.

And a promise
is a promise.

All right,
if I promised

I'd stay for 6 weeks,
then I'll stay.

No! 6 months!

Dear, it won't always
look like this.

We'll fix it up.
Paint the walls.

Varnish the floors.

Look at that floor.

That's solid oak!

[Crash]

Darling!

You all right?

You should see
the size of this cellar!

Go ahead, pick one, Sam.

Joe, I told you
i ain't interested

in getting in
on your fool pool.

I'd like to get into
your fool pool, Joe.

Cost you a quarter.

I ain't got one.

No quarter, no pick.

Hey, Charlie...

Would you advance me
a quarter

on my next week's
allowance?

I'd like to get into
Joe's fool pool.

Stop calling it
a fool pool.

Would you like
to take one, Charlie?

Uh, what's it for?

There's 12 numbers
in my hat,

each corresponding
with the number of days

I figure the douglases
will stay on their farm

before they go back
to New York.

Now, the one that picks
the number closest

to the day they leave
wins $3.00.

Who's guaranteeing
the $3.00?

I am.
Ain't interested.

Well, you're only
risking a quarter

to win $3.00.

There's only
4 tickets left,

and they're all
good ones.

Well, ok.

Where's my quarter?

I'll pay you when
I've won the $3.00.

Oh, Charlie...

Under those conditions,
I'll take one, too.

Floyd!

I got 5.

I got 12.
That looks pretty good.

That Mr. Douglas
looks like a sticker to me.

You ain't seen
Mrs. Douglas.

She won't stay
in that broken-down

haney place
more than one day.

Good morning,
gentlemen.

I don't believe
you've met my wife.

Mr. drucker, this
is Mrs. Douglas.

How do you do, Mr...

Mr. drucker.

And, uh, this is
Mr. Pratt.

He's the engineer
of that little train

that took us out
to shady rest.

I am delighted
to meet you, Mr. Pratt.

It's such a quaint
little train.

How do you do?

This is Mr. smoot.

Get out of
my pickle barrel!

You know Mr. Carson.

Of course.

Mornin'.

Oh! You dropped
something.

don't pick them up,
or it'll cost you a quarter!

Floyd!

Well, that's what it
costs to get in the pool.

The pool!

Oh, I want to get in
on it. Yes!

I want 2 tickets.
One for Mrs. Douglas.

No, no.

No, I insist.

I want to be part
of everything

you fellas do.
We're part

of the community now.

How long you figuring
on being part of it?

Oh, a long time.

12 looks better and better.

What kind of a pool
is this?

Well, it's a...

Tell Mrs. Douglas.

Well...

It's a how long
are you going to stay

at the haney place pool

you mean,
you fellas

are betting
on the number of years

we're going
to live here?

Days.

Who's got one?

Me.

You win.

Oh, she's joking.

Uh, Mr. drucker,

there are
a few things

that, uh, that we
really do need.

Well, I'll be glad
to help you.

Thank you.

Do you know how we
can get electricity?

Oh, sure, I'm
a representative

for the county
power and light company.

You just fill out
this application.

How long
will it take?

Oh, never took anybody
more than 5 minutes.

I mean to get
electricity.

Well, I'll stamp
the application rush,

and you ought
to have it in 8 months.

Both: 8 months?!

What are we going
to do for light?

don't you get enough

through them holes
in the roof?

I mean at night.

Oh, I can make you
a good price

on a kerosene lamp.

Oh, hey, look at that.
A kerosene...

See? The real
old-fashioned way, huh?

Aha! Say, I'll bet you
sell a lot of those.

No. We all got
electricity.

Ahem. Yes.

Well, now, something we do
really need right away.

A bathtub and a sink.

don't you like the ones
that are there now?

There aren't any
there now.

That haney. Well, it
could've been worse.

He could've taken
the kitchen sink, too.

He did.

Haney had no right
to do that.

You know what you ought
to do, Mr. Douglas?

You ought to get yourself
a good lawyer and sue him.

Now, there's will hoyt
up in pixley...

I am a lawyer, and i
can handle Mr. haney.

He sold you the place,
didn't he?

Yes!

You'd better get
will hoyt.

don't you worry
about me!

All I've got to do
is find Mr. haney.

Mr. haney...

Oh, hi,
Mr. Douglas.

I've been looking
for you.

Well, I'm
right here.

How do you like
the house, Mrs. Douglas?

Well, I think it's--

I knew you would.

Mr. haney!

Hey, there's one
thing I forgot to tell you.

There's a great big cellar
underneath the house

if you can find a way
to get down to it.

He found the way.

Mr. haney--

oh! And another thing...

When you open
the kitchen door,

be sure to hold onto it,
or else the knob

comes through
into the parlor.

I know. I know.

Just want to keep
everything above board.

Mr. haney,
what happened

to the bathtub
and the sink?

Yes. They were
in the house

when I bought it,
weren't they?

Uh, yes, and there was
a kitchen sink, too.

Uh-huh. And they
are not there now.

Now, where are they?

They're on the truck.

Those are mine!

Well, you can
have them.

Well...

Fer $25.

If they were
in the house

when I bought it,
they belong to me!

Did you read
your bill of sale?

I did!

All it said was
i sold you a house.

And that's what
you got--a house.

Lisa, no!

I'll see you around.

Uh...

Wait a second.
I'll give you $15.

No. 25.

They're not worth 25.

Well, they are
if you need them.

All right. 25.

In advance.

Just want to keep
everything above board.

Oh, sure, sure.

Thank you.

Now, help me carry
them in, will you?

Oh, yeah. That'll
cost you $1.00.

What for?

Delivery charge.

Never mind! I'll take
them in myself!

[Groans]
There we are.

[Clang]

Ooh, ooh!
Darling...

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.
Fine, fine.

Oh! This is
a great occasion.

Putting in
my first sink.

You're very handy,
dear.

But I think you
should've put

the bathtub
in first,

and then the sink.

Have you ever done
any plumbing?

Not recently.

Then, uh...
Please...

Eb: Oh, hi,
Mr. Douglas,

Mrs. Douglas.

Boy! You sure
got a pretty view

of the outside
from in here.

I thought
you'd left.

I just thought

I'd see if you
changed your mind

about needing
a hired hand.

No. I'm afraid not.

I put the sink in
by myself.

Show him your bump.

You going to leave
the bathtub out here?

No. I'm going
to put that in now.

Uh, then you're going to
have to take out the sink.

Why?

That's the only way
you can get the tub in.

So, I made
a little mistake.

Would you like me
to give you a hand?

No, look, eb,
i want to do this myself.

Every nail and every board,
with my own hands.

Are you sure you don't
want to hire me?

No!

Well, I'll help you
anyway.

I'd appreciate it.

There you are,
Mr. Douglas.

Fine, fine.
Lisa!

Yes, darling?

Hey, look here, huh?

Come on. You can
take a hot bath now.

I don't want
a bath.

Oh, you've got to
take a hot bath.

Sure.
It relaxes you.

Hot bath?
Yeah.

You got a heater?
No.

Then, how you going
to heat the water?

Well, we'll, uh...

Oh, well, how did
Mr. haney heat his?

In the stove.

Aha. So, we'll heat
it in the stove.

What stove?

Oh, that's right.

There isn't any.

Well, now,
i wonder where

I could get
a stove?

Got a good $35 one
on the truck.

You put the wood
right in here.

Huh? You light it.

You put the water
in the reservoir.

I chopped some wood
for you, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, good. Put it
over there, will you?

Oh, careful!

I don't want the wood
down in the cellar.

Here, put it back here.

You still don't want
to hire me, huh?

No. I want to do
everything myself.

For a feller
who isn't hired,

I sure am doing
a lot of work.

Dear, would you mind
getting me some water?

There's a pump
on the back porch.

Now, is there anything
to light this with?

I suppose you heard
about Mr. Lincoln's talk.

Oliver!

I'll be right there!

What's the matter?

I don't seem
to be able to get

any water out of it.

You're not pumping
hard enough.

You're not going to get
any water from that pump.

Not unless
you prime it.

What do you have
to prime it with?

Water.

Where do you get
the water to prime it?

There's a pump

a couple of miles
down the road.

Oh, well,
I'll get in the car,

and I'll go down
and get some.

Isn't worth it.
Why not?

That pump needs
priming, too.

Well, where do you get
the water to prime that pump

to get the water
to prime this pump?

Oh, about 6 miles
down the road.

Does that pump
need priming, too?

No.
You sure?

I'm positive.
That's a creek.

Well, would you go
and get us some water?

Well, gee, Mr. Douglas,
it's a long trip,

and, well, golly...

All right,
you're hired!

Thanks!

Now, about
my vacations...

Get the water!

Oh, darling,
forget the whole thing.

No, no. I'm going to
have you in a nice,

hot bath before
you can say

do you smell smoke?

Oh! The stove! Oh!

Oliver, Oliver,
where are you?

I-I'm over here!

Where?
I can't see you!

Oh!

[Thud]
Lisa!

Where are you?

Oliver, you were right.

This is a big cellar.

You sure you got to go
back to New York today?

The sooner,
the better.

You'd be doing me
a big favor

if you could stay
around a few more days.

I got 4 in the pool.

I'm sorry,
Mrs. Bradley.

But I had it--

in places I never
had it before.

Oh, my...

This is beautiful.

Why, you can have it.

Ha ha! Where would
i wear something

like this
around here?

Even if I could
get into it.

That's exactly
my point.

Yeah. I know just
how you feel

about living
in the country.

It's a--ahem--
difficult adjustment

for us city girls.

Are you from the city?

Oh, can't you tell?

Well, of course I've
lived in the country

for a long while.

Well, it, uh--
you know something?

My husband was
a lot like yours.

He always wanted
to own a hotel

in a small town.

So, I, uh, just
gave up my career

in show business,
and moved here.

[Whimpering]

Quiet.

She left me, too.

You don't
hear me whining.

Let her go back
to New York.

We're going to stay
right here.

We'll be all right.

Of course,
I'm going to miss her.

Are you?

Now, what kind of
a stupid question is that?

Lisa...

I thought you were on
your way back to New York.

I was.

What made you
change your mind?

Mrs. Bradley.

Do you know, she was
a city girl,

and she gave up her
career in show business

to move out here
with her husband.

How could you tell
Mrs. Douglas

a story like that?

It's true.

You didn't come
from the city.

What do you call
pixley?

It ain't exactly
New York.

And telling her
you gave up

a career
in show business.

I did.

Taking tickets at
the pixley bijou

ain't show business.

An awful lot
of the fellows

used to wink at me.

That ain't going
to work, Kate.

Mrs. Douglas ain't
going to fall

for a phony story
like that.

Darling.

Lisa...

Our first night
in our own farm house.

don't worry.
I'll find something

for us to sleep on.

Mr. haney!

Mr. haney!

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