Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 15 - How to Enlarge a Bedroom - full transcript

Alf & Ralph begin work on the bedroom but their work gets condemned.

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Groans]

Oh!

Oh, good morning, dear.

What's good about it?

Ah, a beautiful day,
isn't it?

Flattery will get
you nowhere.



[Clunk]
Oh, Lisa!

Ugh.

Lisa.

Some husbands have big
bedrooms for their wives.

Oh!

Excuse me.
Oh.

Honey, where are you
getting all those blankets?

Outside the window.

[Clunk]

Aw! For...

Ugh.

Oh!

Oh!

Lisa, what's the matter
with you?

I am tired of making the
bed inside and outside.

This room is too tight
to move around.

No. It's not so bad.
It's--

ohh!

[Groans]
What's the matter?

I'm stuck.

Well, you can stay
stuck for all I care.

Either you make
this room bigger,

or the 6 months
i promised to stay

are up immediately.

Lisa!

I called a carpenter
3 weeks ago

to come and give us
an estimate.

Well, I'll give you
an estimate.

Either you make
this room bigger

or I'm leaving.

Oh, Lisa!

It's either or.

All right.
I'll call them later.

That's either.
Good-bye.

No, no! I'll call
him right now.

Go that way.
It's faster.

Oh, good morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Good morning, eb.
What are you doing here?

Calling my girl.

Ophelia,
are you still there?

Well, I'm still here.

8:00 tonight all right?

Ok. I'll drive by
and pick you up.

Mr. Douglas, can i
borrow your car tonight?

No.

I'll walk by
and pick you up.

Good-bye.

It's all yours,
Mr. Douglas.

Hello, Sarah?

Can you connect me

to the Monroe brothers,
please.

[Telephone rings]

Carpenter shop.

Oh, hello. Is this
the Monroe brothers?

No. This is
just one of them.

Oliver, on phone:
Well, uh, this is--

which one do you want to talk
to, alf or Ralph?

It doesn't make
any difference.

Well, it does to us.
One of us is married.

Who are you?

I'm alf.
Ralph is out.

Oh, well,
this is Mr. Douglas.

Uh, you promised to come
over here 3 weeks ago

and give me an estimate

on enlarging
the bedroom.

Oh, yeah. Well, Ralph's
been on vacation.

Well, when will
he be back?

Last Wednesday.

You want us
to come out today?

Yes. I'd appreciate it
very much.

This is very important.

Thank you.

Mr. Douglas, if you'll
lend me the car,

I'll get it washed
for you free!

No, thanks.

Ophelia's
the front Fender swabber

at the pixley car wash.

Right.

She worked her way up
from rear bumper swabber.

She's got ambition!

I'm sure she has.

Did you get the
bedroom-enlarging man?

Yes. They'll
be here today.

They better be.

Remember. Either or.

Your milking's
improving, Mr. Douglas.

Ain't it, Eleanor?

[Moo]

That's right
from the horse's mouth.

First time I ever saw you,
i said to myself,

there's a man who's got
the makings of a great farmer.

A man who could plow
a field, plant a crop,

milk a cow, and lend
his hired hand his car.

No!

Well, if you won't
lend me the car,

would you lend me
the front seat?

What do you want
the front seat for?

It'll look a lot better
than standing at the drive-in

all through the movie.

You can't have the car
or the front seat.

How about the horn?

So's we can toot
during intermission.

Will you forget
about the car.

I'm not getting
any milk.

I guess
Eleanor can tell

when there's a mean hand
on the throttle.

Here. You take over.

Yes, sir.

Co-pilot to crew,
I'm taking over the controls.

[Moo]

[Squirting]

Well, hello, Mr. haney.

That'll be $12.

Just for saying hello?

No. For this.

Oh, that's a photograph
of the house.

Painted personal
by dory comstock.

He's got
a lot of talent.

He done this.

Oh! That is
a work of art.

When narrow ties come in,
the world lost a great artist.

That's a matter
of opinion.

Would you like to buy it?

For just $2, you can have
an old masterpiece

hanging around your neck.

No, thank you.

And no, thank you
for that.

Well, I just thought

you might like to remember
how the house looked

before you brought in
the Monroe brothers

to destroy
its magnificent symmetry.

How did you find out

about
the Monroe brothers?

We're on the same
party line.

I just happened
to pick up the telephone

and heard you
talking to Ralph.

I was talking to alf.

Oh, well,
you must have had

a better connection
than I did.

Or else
i didn't hear so good,

because I felt
kind of faint

when I heard
what you was gonna do

to my house.

It's not your house.
I bought it from you.

Yeah. But I built it.

Mr. Douglas, I put my heart
and soul into that house.

You should
have used lumber.

Oh, that is cruel.

Almost as cruel
as bringing in

a couple of perfect strangers
to change it.

Mr. Douglas, nobody but me
should touch that house.

Well, Mr. haney,
i appreciate

your love
for this old mansion,

but the Monroe brothers
are going to do the job.

Oh, well,
now, I'll admit

that they're
mighty good carpenters.

Mm-hmm.

And they use
the very finest materials.

That's right.

And their prices are right.

And the building inspector will
never approve of their work.

Why not?

'Cause he's my cousin.

Are you trying
to tell me

that unless you
do the job,

your cousin
won't approve it?

Well, no, sir.

What I'm trying
to tell you is--

oh, there you are,
darling.

Oh, good morning,
Mr. haney.

It wasn't
until you walked out

and made the sun shine.

Oh, no!

You're like a south wind
blowing down the canyon

causing the pine trees
to murmur to each other,

"let Mr. haney
enlarge your bedroom."

Aren't the Monroe
brothers going to do it?

They are.

Well, then,
why is Mr. haney

murmuring
in the pine trees?

He can murmur all day,

but the Monroe brothers
are going to do it.

Is that definite?

Yes.
Ok.

Do you want to pay me
a consultation fee now

or do you want me
to bill you?

Your consultation fee?

For warning you
about my cousin buford.

Mrs. Douglas, he's
the tough building inspector

that probably ain't going
to approve of your bedroom.

Oliver, why won't
his cousin

approve the bedroom?

Oh! He's just trying
to coerce me.

You're wasting your time.

Then you ain't gonna buy
the photograph?

No.

Or the hand-painted necktie?

Definitely not.

Then I guess
i am wasting my time.

I'll be seeing ya.

[Starts engine]

Oliver, could he
really do something?

No, no.

He's always got some
kind of an angle.

Probably doesn't
even have a cousin.

[Water spraying]

He's just trying to--eb!

Eb, what are you doing?

Washing the car.

In case you
change your mind.

Well, I'm not going
to change my mind.

Oh, why don't you let
him have your car?

Because I don't want to.

How about
the front seat?

It's a long picture
to stand up.

Has he been talking to you?

No.

How about the horn?

He's not going to get the car
and that's that!

Now let--

oh, excuse me.

You called me this morning
for an estimate.

Oh, you're
the Monroe brothers.

No. I'm just
one of them. I'm alf.

Ah,, well, I'm
Mr. Douglas.

Glad to know you.

Uh-huh.
How do you do.

And this is
Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, how--uh, would you--
would you mind?

Uh-huh.

How do you do?

Are you
the enlarger?

Yes, ma'am.

Now, what we'd like
is s--

Ralph, ease off!

Ralph--Ralph made
some sketches.

Ralph? Bring
the sketches out here.

Ralph?

Ralph?

I'd like you to meet
my brother Ralph.

Howdy doody.

Your brother
is a girl?

No, he's really
my sister.

I don't understand.

Wouldn't you be
a little dubious

about hiring
a girl carpenter?

Oh, yes.
I suppose so.

That's why
i call him Ralph.

Oh, you don't have
to worry about her.

She makes a miter that'd
knock your eye out.

You draw the plans for
enlarging the kitchen?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Here. Here they are.

Wait. We didn't want
the kitchen enlarged.

Oh, why not?

We could
do that, too.

No. Lisa--

and the bedroom and the living
room and bathroom.

We could tear down
the whole house

and start from over.

Whole house done
again, huh?

All righty.
We can--

wait a minute, alf.

We got that job
over at stubin bluffs.

Oh, I forgot.

We're building
a 2-story chicken Coop.

Chicken Coop.

Look, have you
ever done

any house
remodeling?

Oh, yeah.

We redid
the ziffel place.

That was a real big job.

Took us over 2 months.

2 months?

Well, I know
Mr. ziffel.

If you've got any
doubts, why don't you

take a run over there
and look at it.

I think I might
just do that.

Lisa, will you show
the gentlemen--

uh, I mean
the gentleman

and his,
um, brother--

what you want done.

How much bigger
do you want it?

Oh, I don't know.

Just lay it out
and give me an estimate.

Come along.
I'll show you around.

Come on, alf.

Hey, you did
a good job, eb.

Thanks, Mr. Douglas.

Next time,
put the top up!

Hello, Mr. Douglas.

How are you,
Mr. ziffel?

Good. I'm glad
to see you, sir.

Thank you.

Come on in
and sit down.

Thank you.

Arnold, get down
from there

and let Mr. Douglas
sit down.

Wait, I don't want
to disturb him.

Well, he needs
disturbing.

He sits
around too much.

Go on out
and chase your ball.

[Squeals]

Doris got him spoiled
something awful.

Sit down, Mr. Douglas.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Now, Mr. Douglas, what
can I do for you, sir?

Well, I wanted
to talk to you about--

Fred, have you seen
my hairpins?

Oh, hello,
Mr. Douglas.

Mrs. ziffel.

You see that, Fred?

See what he did when
i came in the room?

What?
Stood up.

What's the matter?

Ain't your chair
comfortable?

Well, yes, but--

well, sit down, sir.

Stand up.

You see, Fred, that's
what a gentleman does

when a lady
comes in the room.

Doris, you been
going to the library again.

What is that you wanted
to ask me, Mr. Douglas?

I wanted to talk
to you about the--

sit down.
Oh, thank you.

How's your wife?

Oh, fine.
Thank you.

She always looks
so pretty.

You do, too,
Mr. Douglas.

Thank you.

Well, I'm going over
to see Kate.

So long.

You see that, Fred?

Even stands up
when I leave.

Sit down.
Oh, thanks.

Stand up.

You know, you could take
a few lessons from him.

Doing what?

Standing up.

I know how to stand up.

Well, then,
why don't you stand up

when I come in the room?

Because you always
take my chair.

Oh, Fred.

So long. So long,
Mr. Douglas.

Oliver:
Good-bye.

Sit down.

I've been trying to.

Fred: You know,
Mr. Douglas,

I've been thinking
about it.

Maybe I ain't been
as polite to Doris

as I oughter
have been.

You know, she's
a good woman.

Awfully good woman.
Good worker.

Oh, you ought to see
her behind a plow!

And she's kind-hearted
to a fault.

Mr. Douglas,
there ain't

another woman
in this valley

that I'd trust
my pigs with.

Well, it's nice to have
such an ideal mate.

Now, I wanted to talk to you
about the Monroe brothers.

Oh, the Monroe brothers,
yes.

You see, they ain't
really brothers.

One of them's a sister.

Yes. I know.

They said they did
some work for you.

Yes. They did.

Pretty good job, too.

What did they do?

Well, come here.
I'll show you.

They fixed
this door, here.

You see, I had them
to rehang this door.

This door used to open
out the other way.

It opens this way now.

[Grunts]

In 2 months, is this
all they did?

Well, they knocked down
the front porch.

Of course,
that was an accident.

They didn't charge me
for that.

Well, uh, thank you--

[tv blares]

Now, Arnold,
i didn't tell you

you could turn on
that television.

How could he do that?

I don't know.

Doris taught him,
i reckon.

Oh. Well, thank you,
Mr. ziffel.

Yes, sir.

Very kind of you.

Yes, sir. Glad
you come over.

Good. Bye-bye.

Park your car, sir?

No, thank you.

Ah! Ah!

What happened to the d...

How do you like
the estimate?

What have they done?

Well, they pushed out
the walls

so we can see how big
the room is going to be.

Why did you let them
do that for?

Well, they said
they do it

to all
the chicken coops.

It's going to be lovely.

Look. This is
the clothes closet.

And we can walk right
through to the shower.

And, look.
I can make up the bed

on both sides inside.

Why did y--

where are they?

They went to get
the lumber.

I didn't even see
the estimate!

It's very good.

How much is it?

1 week.

1 week?

That's all it's going
to take them to build it.

How much is it
going to cost?

Well, they tell you
when they're through.

I'm not going to approve
an estimate like that.

You don't have to.
I did.

You did?

This is
community property

and my community said
to go right ahead.

What about
the specifications?

What kind of lumber
are they going to use?

Very good. Wood lumber.

Oh, Lisa!

Why, darling,
if you don't like it

when they're through,

you can sleep
in the living room.

I am not going to sleep
in the living room.

Then you like it.

Well, if it
makes you happy.

But it won't
make you happy.

It will. It will.

Then why
are you sleeping

in the living room?

I'm not--

look, tell them to go ahead.
To build it.

They can't.

Why not?

They need
a building permit.

Well, let them get one.

They can't. They're
getting the lumber.

Well, who's going to get
the building permit?

You. From Mr. drucker.

Monroe brothers are the
contractors, is that right?

Yes. That's right.

Well, you couldn't
have got 2 better boys.

Except Ralph.

You really think
they're good, huh?

Did you see what they did
for Fred ziffel?

Yes.

Ooh, that door
of his really swings now.

Well, I guess that
about does it.

Except I have to stamp it
with a building code stamp.

Where is that thing?

Oh, well, I'll just
stamp it air mail.

Nobody ever reads
these building permits anyway.

Who moved the bed?

Howdy doody,
Mr. Douglas.

Oh, did you get
the permit?

Yes, but--

how do you like it
so far?

I'd like to find out
how much it's going to cost.

[Hammering and sawing]

I said how much
is it going to cost?

We can't tell you till
we're all finished.

Then we'll give you a
real accurate estimate.

don't you have any idea?

Saw that.

Now, I tell you, it
won't be too expensive.

How big a trapdoor
do you want?

Well, I d--i--
what trapdoor?

The one in the ceiling.

So we can climb up the pole
to answer the phone.

You can't leave the pole
in the room!

Why not?

It'll make a wonderful
conversation piece.

I don't want a telephone pole
in the bedroom.

You mean, you want us
to move it?

Yes.
We can't.

That's the property

of the hooterville
telephone company.

They're the only ones
who can move it.

Is that so?

Well, I'll straighten
that out.

I'll call Sarah.

She's not there, darling.

She went bowling
with her league.

Hey, that's right!
Today's Wednesday.

Come on, Ralph!

Where are you going?

We're in the league!

Come on!

Oliver: Wait a minute.

You can't leave it
like this.

You had to enlarge
the bedroom.

[Screams]

Hey. Is dinner ready,
honey?

Almost.

What are we having?

Guess.

Not hotcakes again.

No.

Veetcakes.

I did it
with our own veets.

You what?

I went
into the fields

and I picked
some veets

and I put it
in the batter.

Lisa, you don't use
wheat from the field.

I just came in
to say good night.

Doesn't eb look nice!

Thank you,
Mrs. Douglas.

Ophelia likes the ivory
league clothes.

Aren't you starting
a little early?

Well, I'm walking.

Ain't I?

Yes.

You won't
change your mind?

No.

Well, I hope
you have better luck

with Mr. Wilkins
than I have with you.

Wilkins?

The building inspector.

He's looking over
your bedroom.

Ah, hello there.

Howdy.

I'm Mr. Douglas.

You look like your cousin.

Which one?

Mr. haney.

Folks do say they's
a slight resemblance.

But I look
more like my aunt.

Except she don't
wear glasses.

I'm glad you didn't
let my cousin

talk you into
giving him this job.

Them Monroe brothers,

they know
their business.

Then this is
all right, eh?

Oh, yeah.

There's no reason
why I shouldn't mark it

a-proved.

Hi, Mr. Wilkins.

Oh, hi, eb.

So, you're
taking Ophelia

to the drive-in movie
tonight, huh?

Yes, sir.

Ophelia's Mr. Wilkins'
daughter.

Ah.
Oh.

It's mighty nice of you to
let the kids have the car.

He ain't
letting us have it.

He ain't?

Dis a-proved.

Hey, wait a minute.

Also con-demned.

Darling, you better
let him have the car.

No. I won't.

Double con-demned.

This is nothing
but blackmail!

$50 fine.

Look. I'm not going
to pay any fine.

$100 fine for refusing
to pay $50 fine.

Oliver, give him
the keys.

No. I'm not going to.

It's either or.

[Sighs]
All right.

A-proved.

Thank you,
Mr. Douglas.

That was a mighty nice thing
that you did, Mr. Douglas.

Now can we get
the permit?

Certainly can.

There you are.

Signed, sealed
and de-livered.

Thank you.

By the way,

you'll notice that I approved
this for occupancy

of no more than 60 chickens
and 2 roosters.

Well, that's very--

what's that about the
chickens and the roosters?

It's going to be
a bedroom.

I don't care what
the chickens use it for,

as long as there's
no more than 60 of them.

You don't seem
to understand.

The Monroe brothers enlarged
the bedroom for us.

Dis a-proved.

Why?

The Monroe brothers have
a j-2 contracting license,

which means they can
only build chicken coops

and rehang doors.

I'll be seeing you.

They can't do that to us!

I got that permit
from Mr. drucker.

I'm going to call him
and--who took the pole?

I didn't.

Well, what
happened to it?

We moved it.

Where to?

Ben Miller's farm.

What for?

You didn't want it.

Ben was next in line.

Well, get it back.

You'll have to file
an application.

So long, Mac.

Of all the stup--

you want to move back
to New York?

No. I don't.

Now, come on.

Let's drive into town.

We'll have some dinner.
We'll go to a movie.

Put the top down
on the car--

on what car?

The car that I loaned eb.

We can't go out!

Oh, yes, we can,
darling.

[Explosions]

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