Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 14 - What Happened in Scranton? - full transcript
Lisa starts a beauty parlor and brings in Claude the hairdresser.
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Here's your corn flakes,
children.
There you are.
don't walk in your
breakfast, darlings.
Who are you talking to?
To Alice's children.
Children?
Uh-huh.
Shirley, Dorothy,
Mary Ann, Yvonne,
that one there I think
is a Marvin.
How do you keep
their names straight?
I don't have to.
They do it themselves.
Watch. Dorothy...
You see?
Yeah, but how do you
know that's Dorothy?
Why should she answer
to somebody else's name?
Darling, how many eggs
do you want for breakfast?
2.
Oh, dear.
I only ordered 3.
One for you, one for me,
and one for eb.
Lisa, you don't order
eggs from a chicken.
You know what--what?
Alice, if it isn't
too much trouble,
could we have just
one more egg, please?
Would you like to have
a white one or a brown one?
Lisa, a hen doesn't
lay eggs on cue.
Just because you ask her
to lay an egg,
doesn't mean she's
gonna--but there it is!
How do you do that?
Well, I didn't do that.
Alice did it.
Oh, you've got
the milkin' pail?
Oh, yeah. No, no,
if you don't mind,
I'm gonna milk Eleanor
today myself.
[Moos]
That shook her up.
Darling, don't you think
it would be better
if eb would milk
Eleanor today?
I gotta learn.
don't you think
you oughta have
one more lesson
on a rubber glove?
I am gonna milk Eleanor
this morning.
Would you like
to come and watch?
Darling, don't you think
it's rather personal?
Personal?
[Moos]
Anyway, I have
to get dressed.
When are you going to drive
me into hootersville?
Lisa, it's hooter-ville.
When did they
change it?
I'm not going
into hooterville.
You promised
to take me.
What for?
I have to have
my hair done.
Because there's a meeting
for the every other
Wednesday afternoon
discussion club today.
Because today is
the every other Wednesday
when they discuss today.
Well, I'll take you in
just as soon as I can.
At 12:00?
I don't know.
At 1:00?
Maybe.
At 2:00?
All right. 2:00.
That will be too late.
You tell me when.
1:00 is perfect.
[Alice clucking]
Thank you, Alice.
But I really wasn't
talking to you.
[Lows]
All right. This right?
Yeah, that's where
the action is.
[Moos]
Easy...You ain't
pullin' Taffy.
I'm--I'm sorry, Eleanor.
[Lows]
It's all in the way
you use your fingers.
Watch.
[Squirting milk]
Hey...
All right.
All right.
You drained her.
Keep tryin'.
[Squirting milk]
Hey!
Keep milkin'.
[Moos]
Mr. Douglas, I think
you've made a friend.
How are you,
Mr. kimball?
Fine. Well,
not really fine.
I didn't sleep well.
No, I was worried about...
What was I worried about?
Well, now I won't
get any sleep tonight
worrying about what
i was worried about.
But that's no worry
of yours, is it?
Oh, where'd you
get the milk?
Hey, I milked Eleanor
this morning.
Bet you had to use
a little pull to get it, huh?
Ha ha ha!
[Moos]
Look, I'll put the milk
in the house,
then you come out in
the fields with me, huh?
Sure.
All right.
What for?
You said you'd come over
today and tell me how
to fertilize my wheat.
Certainly.
That's what we county
agents are here for.
Of course,
that's not
the only reason
we're here.
We have
a baseball team, too.
That's very interesting.
Yes, the chief insists
that we keep fit.
Like he said to me
the other day,
"Mildred," he said.
Mildred?
Ah, I guess he was
talking to my mother.
He couldn't have been
talking to my mother.
Her name is Sarah.
I wonder why he
called me Mildred.
Oh, I see Alice is
hard at work there.
Oh, oh, oh,
Mr. kimball.
Let me show you something.
Alice, one egg, please.
That's a very good
trick.
Does she do any others?
It always works
with Mrs. Douglas.
Well, I guess
a human being
follows directions
better.
No, I didn't
mean it that way.
Mrs. Douglas tells her
how many eggs she wants,
and Alice lays them.
Oh. Mrs. Perkins used
to talk to her chickens.
Oh?
No, she talked
to boll weevils.
Oh, she had long
conversations with 'em.
They discussed
everything.
A very remarkable woman.
I wonder if her husband
still goes up
and visits her
on the weekends.
[Clucking]
Alice, one egg.
Well, Mr. Douglas, this is
one of the finest-looking...
Well, not the finest-looking,
but, uh...
This is wheat, isn't it?
Yes.
How long's it
been growing?
3 weeks.
3 weeks?
Look at this.
Oh, that's a weed.
How long's it
been growing?
Oh, about 2 days.
Maybe you should've
planted this.
You certainly have
the soil for it.
I'm not interested
in growing weeds.
I want to find out
how to make my wheat
big and strong.
Big and strong?
You might put some nitrogen
and phosphorous on the soil.
How much nitrogen
and phosphorous
should I treat
the soil with?
Oh, I'd say about
100 pounds per acre.
Now, I suppose the next
question will be...
How do I apply it?
Yes.
Yes, what?
How do I apply it?
I knew that was gonna
be your next question.
We county agents
have developed
a sort of a sixth sense
for those sort of things.
Now, there are 3 methods
for applying--
no, there are 2--
no, there are 3.
What are they?
One is a rather primitive
method of applying.
It was used back
in the early settlers days
in Massachusetts,
Rhode Island,
and, uh, certain sections
of the Delaware water gap.
They call it shoveling.
Shoveling.
Yes.
They'd get a shovel
with a big bag of fertilizer
and just sort of
shovel it around.
Except in the Delaware
water gap,
where they used a spade.
Oh, it wasn't really a spade,
but it had a long handle.
It was a--
what was
the other method?
Of what?
Good morning,
Mr. kimball.
Oh, good morning,
Mrs. Douglas.
My, you certainly look
pretty this morning.
I like your hair.
My husband told you
to say that.
No, he didn't.
Did you?
No.
Are you ready to take me
into hootersville now?
Oh, I can't
right now.
I'm discussing
my crop
with
Mr. kimball.
Oh, what a lovely
little veet.
No, no.
That's not wheat.
That's a weed.
What's the difference
between a veet and a veed?
There's no veet.
In vhich vun?
In anything
you've said.
Look, I'll take you
into hooterville
just as soon--
ah! Oh.
You said a "v."
Well, there is a "v"
in hooterville.
I hope there's also
a beauty parlor.
Beauty shop, huh?
Well, let's see...
Oh. Sue Anne bedlington.
Oh, is she any good?
She's the best blacksmith
in the county.
Blacksmith?
Yeah, she does all
the horse tail braidin'
at the county fair.
She probably be glad
to help you
if there's no horses
waitin'.
Well, I don't want
to stand in line
with horses.
Now, look here--
Lisa, Lisa, please.
Look, Mr. drucker,
I have got to have
some fertilizer.
I'll be glad to help you
as soon as I finish
my inventory.
How come that you are
glad to help him,
but you won't help me?
Well, I could if you needed
some fertilizer.
Well, all I need
is a beauty parlor.
Well, I'm sorry,
Mrs. Douglas.
There just ain't one
in the whole valley.
What kind of a valley
do you call yourself
without a beauty parlor?
Well--
that's the trouble
with you men.
All for one,
and no one
for a beauty parlor.
Lisa--
you men,
you want us
to be beautiful.
Now, how can we
be beautiful
if we haven't got
a place to go and do it?
But--
those days are
here and gone.
On this every other
Wednesday afternoon
discussion club,
we are going to have
more to discuss
on this every other
Wednesday afternoon
than we ever had
on any other
every other
Wednesday afternoon.
Beauty parlors.
That's what I'm
here to discuss:
A beauty parlor.
We need one in the valley.
What for?
Mrs. ziffel,
when your husband comes home
tired from the barn,
don't you want
to look nice for him?
Fred? Ha.
All he cares
about is his pigs.
Mrs. ziffel, don't you
want him to notice you?
The only time
Fred ziffel'd notice me
is if I had
a long snoot
and an apple
in my mouth.
Oh, be quiet, Doris. Let's
listen to Mrs. Douglas.
Thank you, Mrs. Watson.
Every woman should
have her hair done.
Now, how could we
go to a cocktail party
with our hair like this?
Or to the opera?
Or on a ride
on somebody's yacht?
I never rode on
a yacht. What is it?
It's a boat.
Oh, when Fred
was courtin' me,
he took me
for a boat ride
down the tunnel
of love.
I never saw anybody
get so seasick.
Well, I would love
a beauty parlor.
You sure could
do with one, Cora.
Not half as much as you.
Would you like
to step out
on the porch?
I certainly would!
Ladies, ladies, please.
I think having
a real beauty parlor
in hooterville
is a wonderful idea.
So do I. But how
will we get one?
If you appoint me to
the committee in charge,
I get you one.
Ok, let's put it
to a vote.
All those in favor,
raise their hand.
In-favor's have it.
[Applause]
Honey.
Ah.
When'd you get home?
Just now.
Who you gonna call?
Mother.
What about?
The in-favors voted
for a beauty parlor,
and I'm the committee.
What committee?
The "get one" committee.
What's my mother
got to do with it?
If anyone can, she can.
[Rings]
Hello?
Hello, mother.
This is Lisa.
Lisa, darling,
you're in New York.
You escaped!
No, mother,
I'm still up here
on the top of the pole.
When is that frontier
phone company
going to put the phone
in the house?
Mother, mother,
i need your help.
We got to have
a beauty parlor
here in hootersville.
You mean,
you don't have one?
Pack your things.
I'll send a plane
for you immediately.
Hon, I promised
the ladies at the club.
Club?
You mean Oliver's
allowing you
to fraternize
with the natives?
Mother, we need somebody
to do our hair.
Could you send somebody?
Well, I could call the
immigration department
and ask them if they
have a hairdresser
they'd like to deport.
Mother, please.
All right, darling.
Let me see, now.
Oh, of course!
Claude
of the ritz Plaza.
I'll call him
immediately.
[Tires squeal]
Well, here you are,
Clyde.
Claude.
Who lives here?
Mr. and Ms. Douglas.
Then the rumors I heard
in New York are true.
He's drinking.
Mr. Douglas is not
a drinkin' man.
Uh, but I am. You got
anything in the case?
Would you like
a little hair lacquer?
How old is it?
Oh, hey, just a second,
there, Clyde.
That's Claude.
Well, you owe me $1.65
for the taxi ride.
$1.65?!
That's a dollar
for the ride,
and the 65 is
for trip insurance.
I'll not pay you a penny
more than 50 cents.
Now, just a second,
Claude.
That's Clyde--i mean--
well, whoever you are,
you still owe me $1.65.
Sue me.
I might just do that.
Mr. Douglas!
Yes?
I want you to meet
my attorney.
Mr. Douglas,
i want you to sue
this feller
for $1.65.
And cost.
Well, uh,
my advice to you is to,
uh, settle out of court.
Oh, well, how
about a dollar?
[Sighs]
Very well.
Thank you.
And thank you.
And here's your
15 cents change.
15 cents?
Yes. The 85 cents is
for the legal advice
to settle out of court.
Mr. Douglas,
you mother sent me.
I am Claude
of the ritz Plaza.
Oh, you're mother's
hairdresser.
Hair stylist,
if you please.
Oh. How did she get you
to come way out here?
Ha ha ha!
Well, Mr. Douglas,
everyone has a skeleton
in their closet.
Somehow, your mother
found mine.
All she had to do was
to say one word to me:
Scranton.
And here I am.
What happened
in Scranton?
Well--
I don't think that's
any of your business.
And now, if you'll
take me to your wife.
Oh, uh, she's
in hooterville
looking for a place for you
to use as a beauty shop.
Well, what do i
need a shop for?
I just came here
to do your wife's hair.
Didn't mother tell you
about the ladies'
every other Wednesday
afternoon discussion club?
What is that?
That is a discussion club
where they need
their hair done.
Well, I'm certainly
not going to open
a beauty salon
in a place like this.
Scranton.
How many women
are there?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Douglas,
I'd like to help you,
but I just can't let you
use my back room
for a beauty shop.
The barber wouldn't let us
use his shop, either.
I-i-i don't know
what you can do.
All I need is a place
for the women to sit down
and get beautiful.
[Door opens]
Excuse me.
Train leavin'
on track one,
which is the only
one we got,
for bleaker's creek,
shady rest hotel,
and pixley.
'Board!
Oh, Mr. smoots,
darling...
Can I talk
to you privately?
[Train whistle blows]
Oh, Mrs. Wilkins,
you're drying beautifully.
Oh, Mrs. prentiss,
I'm sure you are dry.
How do I look?
Here.
I'm beautiful.
Mrs. prentiss,
now you can go home.
I'm afraid to move.
Now, there.
Floyd, how'd you
get into this?
Well, I ain't
quite sure.
All I remember is
Mrs. Douglas said
to me, "Mr. smoots,
darlink,"
and then everything
went black.
Which one was that?
Mrs. prentiss.
Well, I'll
be doggone.
You think he could
do anything
for me, Charlie?
Mercy.
You're next,
Mrs. Watson.
Ooh, I can hardly wait.
I'm gonna be
beautiful, girls.
Claude, when are you
ready for Mrs. Watson?
This antiquated equipment
is impossible.
Where did you get this
permanent wave machine?
The blacksmith shop.
Yecch.
Well, now.
What have we here?
And, uh...
What would you like me
to do with it?
Make me beautiful.
He's a hairdresser,
not a magician.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, how I'd love
to short circuit
your head.
don't worry,
Mrs. Watson.
Claude will
make you beautiful.
Do you, um, have any
idea what you'd like?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
I want you to do
my hair just like
you did
Mrs. prentiss',
only taller
and in red
and with 3 spit
curls,
one here, here,
and here.
Spit curls?
I absolutely refuse.
Scranton...
You're next.
Hello, darling.
Oh, hi. Honey,
look, I fixed it,
so it wouldn't
come off when you try--
oh, for crying out loud.
don't you
notice anything?
Huh? No. Where've you
been all afternoon?
Can't you tell?
Huh?
The psychiatrist?
The beauty parlor!
Ohh, and you couldn't
get waited on?
Oliver!
You look beautiful.
Oh, wait till you see
the other women.
They're husbands won't
recognize them.
Who're you?
Doris your wife!
No, I never had a wife
of a head that high.
It's the latest
fashion, Fred.
[Snuffling]
[Squealing]
You see what you done?
You scared Arnold.
Oh, too bad about him.
Well, get that thing off.
I can't. It's all me.
Then, go feed the pigs.
You're an hour late.
Feed 'em yourself.
I'm not gonna
move from here
until my hair is set.
What about my supper?
What about it?
Get in the kitchen
and fix it.
I'm not going
near the stove.
It'll steam out
my spit curls.
[Tires squeal]
[Men muttering]
What's wrong here?
Mr. Douglas, I brought
you an angry mob.
Well, I, uh, i--
oh, they're really
steamed up.
Care to hire a good
5-dollar bodyguard?
No.
Well, it's just as well.
I can't stand
the smell of tar,
and them feathers
tickle my nose.
Darling, darling,
what's the matter?
Hair.
Since Cora had
her hair fixed,
she won't fix
my supper.
Neither will Doris.
She won't even
feed the pigs.
And mine won't
chop the wood.
She just sits
in front
of the mirror
all day
a-lookin'
at herself.
[Men agreeing]
Now, uh, Mr. Douglas,
you're a city fella,
but we have accepted you,
even if you do
do strange things.
Like what?
Buyin' this farm.
Oh, i--
yeah,.
And always
stickin' up for
the department
of agriculture.
Sure, but--
and drivin'
a tractor
with your vest on.
Gentlemen, I just--
now you've gone too far,
inflictin' your city ways
on us by mollycoddlin'
our women with that
fancy hairdresser.
Yeah, they're actin'
like city women.
They just sit
and do nothin'.
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
gentlemen.
I'm surprised at you.
City women and farm women
are exactly the same.
The only difference is
that the city women
live in the city,
and the farm women
on the farm.
Outside of that, you can't
tell the difference,
unless you look
at their hair.
Lisa--
now, why do think
these women want
to be beautiful?
For you.
For their husbands.
So that when you come home
from the farm tired,
well, you don't
get anything to eat,
but you have something
beautiful to look at.
All you think of
is your stomachs.
Do you know what they
have to go through
to be beautiful?
Well, I tell you.
Did you ever sit under
a hot dryer for 3 hours
to have your hair
electrified
to be permanented?
Lisa--
please.
don't interrupt me
when I'm mad.
Well, I just want
to translate
that last speech.
They understand.
Mr. ziffel.
When was it the last time
that you told your wife
that she was beautiful?
1929.
Well, tell her again.
And when was the last time
you gentlemen took out
your wives for dinner
with a beautiful hair?
Go home. Look at your wives.
Make a date for dinner.
Send them flowers,
buy them wine, and...
Well, the rest of it
is up to you.
I thank you, gentlemen.
Maybe she's right, Fred.
Well, I guess
it wouldn't hurt
to soft talk Doris
a little.
She's been a good wife.
And there ain't another
woman in this valley
can get along with my pigs
better than Doris.
Lisa? Lisa?
Yes, darling?
What are you
all dressed up for?
For dinner.
You're gonna cook
dinner in that?
Where are my flowers?
Flowers?
And where is the wine?
Wine?
Put on your tuxedo.
We're going out.
We're going out?
You didn't listen
while I was talking
to the men?
Oh.
Oh, honey, I'm not
gonna get dressed up
and go out
to dinner tonight.
Scranton.
Huh?
Oh, no, that doesn't
work for me. No, no.
Anyway, get dressed.
I make a reservation at
the hootersville diner.
Come here.
Ohh, don't muss my hair.
Not too much.
Hey, tell me,
what did happen
in Scranton, anyway?
I don't know.
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Here's your corn flakes,
children.
There you are.
don't walk in your
breakfast, darlings.
Who are you talking to?
To Alice's children.
Children?
Uh-huh.
Shirley, Dorothy,
Mary Ann, Yvonne,
that one there I think
is a Marvin.
How do you keep
their names straight?
I don't have to.
They do it themselves.
Watch. Dorothy...
You see?
Yeah, but how do you
know that's Dorothy?
Why should she answer
to somebody else's name?
Darling, how many eggs
do you want for breakfast?
2.
Oh, dear.
I only ordered 3.
One for you, one for me,
and one for eb.
Lisa, you don't order
eggs from a chicken.
You know what--what?
Alice, if it isn't
too much trouble,
could we have just
one more egg, please?
Would you like to have
a white one or a brown one?
Lisa, a hen doesn't
lay eggs on cue.
Just because you ask her
to lay an egg,
doesn't mean she's
gonna--but there it is!
How do you do that?
Well, I didn't do that.
Alice did it.
Oh, you've got
the milkin' pail?
Oh, yeah. No, no,
if you don't mind,
I'm gonna milk Eleanor
today myself.
[Moos]
That shook her up.
Darling, don't you think
it would be better
if eb would milk
Eleanor today?
I gotta learn.
don't you think
you oughta have
one more lesson
on a rubber glove?
I am gonna milk Eleanor
this morning.
Would you like
to come and watch?
Darling, don't you think
it's rather personal?
Personal?
[Moos]
Anyway, I have
to get dressed.
When are you going to drive
me into hootersville?
Lisa, it's hooter-ville.
When did they
change it?
I'm not going
into hooterville.
You promised
to take me.
What for?
I have to have
my hair done.
Because there's a meeting
for the every other
Wednesday afternoon
discussion club today.
Because today is
the every other Wednesday
when they discuss today.
Well, I'll take you in
just as soon as I can.
At 12:00?
I don't know.
At 1:00?
Maybe.
At 2:00?
All right. 2:00.
That will be too late.
You tell me when.
1:00 is perfect.
[Alice clucking]
Thank you, Alice.
But I really wasn't
talking to you.
[Lows]
All right. This right?
Yeah, that's where
the action is.
[Moos]
Easy...You ain't
pullin' Taffy.
I'm--I'm sorry, Eleanor.
[Lows]
It's all in the way
you use your fingers.
Watch.
[Squirting milk]
Hey...
All right.
All right.
You drained her.
Keep tryin'.
[Squirting milk]
Hey!
Keep milkin'.
[Moos]
Mr. Douglas, I think
you've made a friend.
How are you,
Mr. kimball?
Fine. Well,
not really fine.
I didn't sleep well.
No, I was worried about...
What was I worried about?
Well, now I won't
get any sleep tonight
worrying about what
i was worried about.
But that's no worry
of yours, is it?
Oh, where'd you
get the milk?
Hey, I milked Eleanor
this morning.
Bet you had to use
a little pull to get it, huh?
Ha ha ha!
[Moos]
Look, I'll put the milk
in the house,
then you come out in
the fields with me, huh?
Sure.
All right.
What for?
You said you'd come over
today and tell me how
to fertilize my wheat.
Certainly.
That's what we county
agents are here for.
Of course,
that's not
the only reason
we're here.
We have
a baseball team, too.
That's very interesting.
Yes, the chief insists
that we keep fit.
Like he said to me
the other day,
"Mildred," he said.
Mildred?
Ah, I guess he was
talking to my mother.
He couldn't have been
talking to my mother.
Her name is Sarah.
I wonder why he
called me Mildred.
Oh, I see Alice is
hard at work there.
Oh, oh, oh,
Mr. kimball.
Let me show you something.
Alice, one egg, please.
That's a very good
trick.
Does she do any others?
It always works
with Mrs. Douglas.
Well, I guess
a human being
follows directions
better.
No, I didn't
mean it that way.
Mrs. Douglas tells her
how many eggs she wants,
and Alice lays them.
Oh. Mrs. Perkins used
to talk to her chickens.
Oh?
No, she talked
to boll weevils.
Oh, she had long
conversations with 'em.
They discussed
everything.
A very remarkable woman.
I wonder if her husband
still goes up
and visits her
on the weekends.
[Clucking]
Alice, one egg.
Well, Mr. Douglas, this is
one of the finest-looking...
Well, not the finest-looking,
but, uh...
This is wheat, isn't it?
Yes.
How long's it
been growing?
3 weeks.
3 weeks?
Look at this.
Oh, that's a weed.
How long's it
been growing?
Oh, about 2 days.
Maybe you should've
planted this.
You certainly have
the soil for it.
I'm not interested
in growing weeds.
I want to find out
how to make my wheat
big and strong.
Big and strong?
You might put some nitrogen
and phosphorous on the soil.
How much nitrogen
and phosphorous
should I treat
the soil with?
Oh, I'd say about
100 pounds per acre.
Now, I suppose the next
question will be...
How do I apply it?
Yes.
Yes, what?
How do I apply it?
I knew that was gonna
be your next question.
We county agents
have developed
a sort of a sixth sense
for those sort of things.
Now, there are 3 methods
for applying--
no, there are 2--
no, there are 3.
What are they?
One is a rather primitive
method of applying.
It was used back
in the early settlers days
in Massachusetts,
Rhode Island,
and, uh, certain sections
of the Delaware water gap.
They call it shoveling.
Shoveling.
Yes.
They'd get a shovel
with a big bag of fertilizer
and just sort of
shovel it around.
Except in the Delaware
water gap,
where they used a spade.
Oh, it wasn't really a spade,
but it had a long handle.
It was a--
what was
the other method?
Of what?
Good morning,
Mr. kimball.
Oh, good morning,
Mrs. Douglas.
My, you certainly look
pretty this morning.
I like your hair.
My husband told you
to say that.
No, he didn't.
Did you?
No.
Are you ready to take me
into hootersville now?
Oh, I can't
right now.
I'm discussing
my crop
with
Mr. kimball.
Oh, what a lovely
little veet.
No, no.
That's not wheat.
That's a weed.
What's the difference
between a veet and a veed?
There's no veet.
In vhich vun?
In anything
you've said.
Look, I'll take you
into hooterville
just as soon--
ah! Oh.
You said a "v."
Well, there is a "v"
in hooterville.
I hope there's also
a beauty parlor.
Beauty shop, huh?
Well, let's see...
Oh. Sue Anne bedlington.
Oh, is she any good?
She's the best blacksmith
in the county.
Blacksmith?
Yeah, she does all
the horse tail braidin'
at the county fair.
She probably be glad
to help you
if there's no horses
waitin'.
Well, I don't want
to stand in line
with horses.
Now, look here--
Lisa, Lisa, please.
Look, Mr. drucker,
I have got to have
some fertilizer.
I'll be glad to help you
as soon as I finish
my inventory.
How come that you are
glad to help him,
but you won't help me?
Well, I could if you needed
some fertilizer.
Well, all I need
is a beauty parlor.
Well, I'm sorry,
Mrs. Douglas.
There just ain't one
in the whole valley.
What kind of a valley
do you call yourself
without a beauty parlor?
Well--
that's the trouble
with you men.
All for one,
and no one
for a beauty parlor.
Lisa--
you men,
you want us
to be beautiful.
Now, how can we
be beautiful
if we haven't got
a place to go and do it?
But--
those days are
here and gone.
On this every other
Wednesday afternoon
discussion club,
we are going to have
more to discuss
on this every other
Wednesday afternoon
than we ever had
on any other
every other
Wednesday afternoon.
Beauty parlors.
That's what I'm
here to discuss:
A beauty parlor.
We need one in the valley.
What for?
Mrs. ziffel,
when your husband comes home
tired from the barn,
don't you want
to look nice for him?
Fred? Ha.
All he cares
about is his pigs.
Mrs. ziffel, don't you
want him to notice you?
The only time
Fred ziffel'd notice me
is if I had
a long snoot
and an apple
in my mouth.
Oh, be quiet, Doris. Let's
listen to Mrs. Douglas.
Thank you, Mrs. Watson.
Every woman should
have her hair done.
Now, how could we
go to a cocktail party
with our hair like this?
Or to the opera?
Or on a ride
on somebody's yacht?
I never rode on
a yacht. What is it?
It's a boat.
Oh, when Fred
was courtin' me,
he took me
for a boat ride
down the tunnel
of love.
I never saw anybody
get so seasick.
Well, I would love
a beauty parlor.
You sure could
do with one, Cora.
Not half as much as you.
Would you like
to step out
on the porch?
I certainly would!
Ladies, ladies, please.
I think having
a real beauty parlor
in hooterville
is a wonderful idea.
So do I. But how
will we get one?
If you appoint me to
the committee in charge,
I get you one.
Ok, let's put it
to a vote.
All those in favor,
raise their hand.
In-favor's have it.
[Applause]
Honey.
Ah.
When'd you get home?
Just now.
Who you gonna call?
Mother.
What about?
The in-favors voted
for a beauty parlor,
and I'm the committee.
What committee?
The "get one" committee.
What's my mother
got to do with it?
If anyone can, she can.
[Rings]
Hello?
Hello, mother.
This is Lisa.
Lisa, darling,
you're in New York.
You escaped!
No, mother,
I'm still up here
on the top of the pole.
When is that frontier
phone company
going to put the phone
in the house?
Mother, mother,
i need your help.
We got to have
a beauty parlor
here in hootersville.
You mean,
you don't have one?
Pack your things.
I'll send a plane
for you immediately.
Hon, I promised
the ladies at the club.
Club?
You mean Oliver's
allowing you
to fraternize
with the natives?
Mother, we need somebody
to do our hair.
Could you send somebody?
Well, I could call the
immigration department
and ask them if they
have a hairdresser
they'd like to deport.
Mother, please.
All right, darling.
Let me see, now.
Oh, of course!
Claude
of the ritz Plaza.
I'll call him
immediately.
[Tires squeal]
Well, here you are,
Clyde.
Claude.
Who lives here?
Mr. and Ms. Douglas.
Then the rumors I heard
in New York are true.
He's drinking.
Mr. Douglas is not
a drinkin' man.
Uh, but I am. You got
anything in the case?
Would you like
a little hair lacquer?
How old is it?
Oh, hey, just a second,
there, Clyde.
That's Claude.
Well, you owe me $1.65
for the taxi ride.
$1.65?!
That's a dollar
for the ride,
and the 65 is
for trip insurance.
I'll not pay you a penny
more than 50 cents.
Now, just a second,
Claude.
That's Clyde--i mean--
well, whoever you are,
you still owe me $1.65.
Sue me.
I might just do that.
Mr. Douglas!
Yes?
I want you to meet
my attorney.
Mr. Douglas,
i want you to sue
this feller
for $1.65.
And cost.
Well, uh,
my advice to you is to,
uh, settle out of court.
Oh, well, how
about a dollar?
[Sighs]
Very well.
Thank you.
And thank you.
And here's your
15 cents change.
15 cents?
Yes. The 85 cents is
for the legal advice
to settle out of court.
Mr. Douglas,
you mother sent me.
I am Claude
of the ritz Plaza.
Oh, you're mother's
hairdresser.
Hair stylist,
if you please.
Oh. How did she get you
to come way out here?
Ha ha ha!
Well, Mr. Douglas,
everyone has a skeleton
in their closet.
Somehow, your mother
found mine.
All she had to do was
to say one word to me:
Scranton.
And here I am.
What happened
in Scranton?
Well--
I don't think that's
any of your business.
And now, if you'll
take me to your wife.
Oh, uh, she's
in hooterville
looking for a place for you
to use as a beauty shop.
Well, what do i
need a shop for?
I just came here
to do your wife's hair.
Didn't mother tell you
about the ladies'
every other Wednesday
afternoon discussion club?
What is that?
That is a discussion club
where they need
their hair done.
Well, I'm certainly
not going to open
a beauty salon
in a place like this.
Scranton.
How many women
are there?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Douglas,
I'd like to help you,
but I just can't let you
use my back room
for a beauty shop.
The barber wouldn't let us
use his shop, either.
I-i-i don't know
what you can do.
All I need is a place
for the women to sit down
and get beautiful.
[Door opens]
Excuse me.
Train leavin'
on track one,
which is the only
one we got,
for bleaker's creek,
shady rest hotel,
and pixley.
'Board!
Oh, Mr. smoots,
darling...
Can I talk
to you privately?
[Train whistle blows]
Oh, Mrs. Wilkins,
you're drying beautifully.
Oh, Mrs. prentiss,
I'm sure you are dry.
How do I look?
Here.
I'm beautiful.
Mrs. prentiss,
now you can go home.
I'm afraid to move.
Now, there.
Floyd, how'd you
get into this?
Well, I ain't
quite sure.
All I remember is
Mrs. Douglas said
to me, "Mr. smoots,
darlink,"
and then everything
went black.
Which one was that?
Mrs. prentiss.
Well, I'll
be doggone.
You think he could
do anything
for me, Charlie?
Mercy.
You're next,
Mrs. Watson.
Ooh, I can hardly wait.
I'm gonna be
beautiful, girls.
Claude, when are you
ready for Mrs. Watson?
This antiquated equipment
is impossible.
Where did you get this
permanent wave machine?
The blacksmith shop.
Yecch.
Well, now.
What have we here?
And, uh...
What would you like me
to do with it?
Make me beautiful.
He's a hairdresser,
not a magician.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, how I'd love
to short circuit
your head.
don't worry,
Mrs. Watson.
Claude will
make you beautiful.
Do you, um, have any
idea what you'd like?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
I want you to do
my hair just like
you did
Mrs. prentiss',
only taller
and in red
and with 3 spit
curls,
one here, here,
and here.
Spit curls?
I absolutely refuse.
Scranton...
You're next.
Hello, darling.
Oh, hi. Honey,
look, I fixed it,
so it wouldn't
come off when you try--
oh, for crying out loud.
don't you
notice anything?
Huh? No. Where've you
been all afternoon?
Can't you tell?
Huh?
The psychiatrist?
The beauty parlor!
Ohh, and you couldn't
get waited on?
Oliver!
You look beautiful.
Oh, wait till you see
the other women.
They're husbands won't
recognize them.
Who're you?
Doris your wife!
No, I never had a wife
of a head that high.
It's the latest
fashion, Fred.
[Snuffling]
[Squealing]
You see what you done?
You scared Arnold.
Oh, too bad about him.
Well, get that thing off.
I can't. It's all me.
Then, go feed the pigs.
You're an hour late.
Feed 'em yourself.
I'm not gonna
move from here
until my hair is set.
What about my supper?
What about it?
Get in the kitchen
and fix it.
I'm not going
near the stove.
It'll steam out
my spit curls.
[Tires squeal]
[Men muttering]
What's wrong here?
Mr. Douglas, I brought
you an angry mob.
Well, I, uh, i--
oh, they're really
steamed up.
Care to hire a good
5-dollar bodyguard?
No.
Well, it's just as well.
I can't stand
the smell of tar,
and them feathers
tickle my nose.
Darling, darling,
what's the matter?
Hair.
Since Cora had
her hair fixed,
she won't fix
my supper.
Neither will Doris.
She won't even
feed the pigs.
And mine won't
chop the wood.
She just sits
in front
of the mirror
all day
a-lookin'
at herself.
[Men agreeing]
Now, uh, Mr. Douglas,
you're a city fella,
but we have accepted you,
even if you do
do strange things.
Like what?
Buyin' this farm.
Oh, i--
yeah,.
And always
stickin' up for
the department
of agriculture.
Sure, but--
and drivin'
a tractor
with your vest on.
Gentlemen, I just--
now you've gone too far,
inflictin' your city ways
on us by mollycoddlin'
our women with that
fancy hairdresser.
Yeah, they're actin'
like city women.
They just sit
and do nothin'.
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
gentlemen.
I'm surprised at you.
City women and farm women
are exactly the same.
The only difference is
that the city women
live in the city,
and the farm women
on the farm.
Outside of that, you can't
tell the difference,
unless you look
at their hair.
Lisa--
now, why do think
these women want
to be beautiful?
For you.
For their husbands.
So that when you come home
from the farm tired,
well, you don't
get anything to eat,
but you have something
beautiful to look at.
All you think of
is your stomachs.
Do you know what they
have to go through
to be beautiful?
Well, I tell you.
Did you ever sit under
a hot dryer for 3 hours
to have your hair
electrified
to be permanented?
Lisa--
please.
don't interrupt me
when I'm mad.
Well, I just want
to translate
that last speech.
They understand.
Mr. ziffel.
When was it the last time
that you told your wife
that she was beautiful?
1929.
Well, tell her again.
And when was the last time
you gentlemen took out
your wives for dinner
with a beautiful hair?
Go home. Look at your wives.
Make a date for dinner.
Send them flowers,
buy them wine, and...
Well, the rest of it
is up to you.
I thank you, gentlemen.
Maybe she's right, Fred.
Well, I guess
it wouldn't hurt
to soft talk Doris
a little.
She's been a good wife.
And there ain't another
woman in this valley
can get along with my pigs
better than Doris.
Lisa? Lisa?
Yes, darling?
What are you
all dressed up for?
For dinner.
You're gonna cook
dinner in that?
Where are my flowers?
Flowers?
And where is the wine?
Wine?
Put on your tuxedo.
We're going out.
We're going out?
You didn't listen
while I was talking
to the men?
Oh.
Oh, honey, I'm not
gonna get dressed up
and go out
to dinner tonight.
Scranton.
Huh?
Oh, no, that doesn't
work for me. No, no.
Anyway, get dressed.
I make a reservation at
the hootersville diner.
Come here.
Ohh, don't muss my hair.
Not too much.
Hey, tell me,
what did happen
in Scranton, anyway?
I don't know.
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