Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Wedding Anniversary - full transcript
While Oliver tries to recall how long he's been married to Lisa, she flashes back to last year's anniversary which landed them both in jail. The trouble began when a panicked Oliver found corn bores in his terrace garden. His mother, refusing to keep party guests waiting at the Waldorf while Oliver plays farmer, started tossing his "crop" off the balcony. Pots crashing onto the street below did not please the NYC cops. Back in Hooterville, Oliver's crop wheat crop is threatened by sawflies. His surly call to the Agriculture Department demanding help wrecks yet another anniversary celebration.
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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Batter gurgling]
[Sizzles]
[Tearing]
Oliver...
Sweetheart, darling...
Breakfast is ready.
Boy, Mrs. Douglas is sure
"sweetheart, darling" you
all over the place today.
Eb...This is our
anniversary.
It is?
You gonna send me flowers?
Why should I send you
flowers?
I've been working
for you 8 weeks.
Eb...This is
my wedding anniversary.
Oh! Congratulations.
How long you been
married?
Well, we've been
married...
Let's see, now...
We were married in 19--
no, no, that was
the year
I got out
of the air force.
Yes. We were
married 19--
no, that was the year i
started my law practice.
Well, it must have
been then--
you sure you're married?
Of course I'm sure.
I never saw your
marriage certificate.
don't worry.
We've got one.
It's in the safe
deposit box.
Mr. haney used to have his
hanging up on the wall.
Well, that's nice.
He used to throw
darts at it.
I won't throw
darts at mine.
I'm a happily
married man.
But you can't
remember how long.
What difference
does it make,
as long as
I'm happily married?
My wife is
a wonderful woman.
A little hard to
understand at times,
but she's
a wonderful woman.
Lisa: Oliver!
Sweetheart, darling!
Breakfast is ready.
Well, shall we tie on
the feed bags,
sweetheart darling?
If this wasn't
my anniversary--
which one?
Never mind.
Just forget
the anniversary.
Why?
You'll see.
Uh...Could I have
the syrup, eb, please?
Thank you.
don't you notice anything?
Yes, how did you
get them so round?
I won't tell you.
Can't you see the candle?
Oh, sure.
don't you know
what it is for?
Why, it's
a hot cake warmer.
A hot cake warmer?
Isn't that
a good idea, eb?
It sure is.
Wish't I had one.
You forgot
what today is.
Oh, I didn't.
It's our anniversary.
Who told you?
Nobody.
Then how did you know?
I wouldn't forget
a thing like that.
Happy anniversary.
Doggone...
You married people
sure have fun.
How long have
we been married?
Uh, well, uh...
Count the candle.
Uh, we, uh...
You don't remember.
No, of course
i remember.
We've been married...
Uh...
Quite a few years.
And believe me, they
have been the happiest
quite-a-few years
of my life.
How can you forget
a thing like this?
I didn't!
Hey, before I forget,
we're gonna celebrate
tonight, just you and I.
Like we celebrated last year
in the old country?
What old country?
New York.
What happened?
Oh, nothing.
Uh, do you want to see
the anniversary picture?
I'd love to.
He wouldn't be
interested.
Yes, I would.
Lisa, don't bother.
Here we are.
There.
This is your
anniversary picture?
This is it.
Wow! It must have been
some swinging party.
There was no party.
There was a party,
but we never got there.
You see, eb--
you don't have
to tell him.
Well, you see,
we were still living in our
penthouse in New York...
Happy anniversary,
darling.
And to you.
Happy?
Oh, very happy.
Only one thing would
make me happier...
If we had a farm.
Well, you have one
right out there.
Oh, no, no, I mean
a real farm.
Look, let's buy a farm.
We can spend
our next anniversary
in our own farmhouse.
Are you trying
to start a fight?
Where are you going?
To put on some lipstick
because we're going to
be late to the party.
Come here.
I just want you to know
that these have been
the happiest...
Uh...Years of my life.
How many?
Uh, well, now,
let's see, this is our...
Uh...
Well, you know!
I know that I know,
but do you?
Of course I do!
How many?
Uh...
Say, you better get
your lipstick on.
We're gonna be late.
You don't remember!
Of course I remember!
How would I forget
a thing like that?
Go on,
put on your lipstick.
The wedding certificate
is in the bank vault.
I'm not looking
for your lipstick.
Put on your
wedding cer--
hurry up.
Lisa: It's no use
calling mother.
She's at the Waldorf
waiting for us.
Lisa!
Lisa!
What's the matter?
Look at this.
That's very pretty.
How did you get it
to grow this way?
I didn't grow it
this way!
I've got corn borers!
Good.
At last,
you're getting something
out of your farm.
I won't have
a farm at all.
They'll eat their way
through my whole crop.
Oh, look at that ear.
I gotta do something.
Darling, not tonight.
It's our anniversary,
and mother is
waiting with our guests
at the Waldorf.
I can't go. My--
my corn is sick!
What about the party?
Do you realize how long
we have been married?
That's beside
the point. I can't--
would you leave
a sick child?
These are not
sick children.
These are corns.
They're more than that.
I raised these
from tiny seeds.
I-i watered them.
I cared for them...
Watched them grow
to manhood.
Or cornhood.
Whatever they are.
They need me.
I'm not gonna
desert them.
Darling,
what about the party?
I've gotta get help.
Couldn't you do it
tomorrow?
I want to talk to
Washington, D.C., please.
The department
of agriculture.
I don't care if
the circuits are busy.
This is an emergency.
Now, put me through.
[Telephone rings]
Department of
agriculture.
I want to speak to
the secretary of agriculture.
Well, maybe I can
help you.
Who's this?
Well, uh...
I'm the secretary's
secretary's secretary.
What?
Well, you see, uh,
the secretary
has a secretary,
and, uh,
I'm his secretary.
Well, uh, I want to
speak to the secretary.
Uh, which one?
The head one!
Well, uh, he's out. He's
not in this evening.
He can't be!
This is an emergency!
Well, I know, but
it's his anniversary.
Well, it's my anniversary,
and I'm not out.
Well, you should be.
Lisa.
Uh, no, George.
George bennington.
I was talking to--
is there somebody there
that can help me?
Well, uh, maybe I can.
What seems to be
the trouble?
I'm infested
with corn borers!
Well, uh, why don't you
take a good hot bath
or a shower.
I think that'll do it.
I'm not talking
about myself.
My crop is infested.
Oh, I see, I see.
Well, uh, have you
called your, uh...
Local county agent?
I don't know his name.
Where do you live?
I live in New York City.
10016 park Avenue.
No, no,
i mean your farm.
Where is your farm?
On the terrace
of my penthouse.
On the, uh,
terrace of your...
Penthouse?
Yes.
Uh, well, look,
I'm, uh...
I'm quite sure we don't
have a county agent
on park Avenue.
Why don't you try
Times Square.
Why does everybody
have to call
the department
of agriculture
when they get drunk?
Ah, he hung up.
Well, what about
the party?
Dr. Faber.
You can't call Dr. Faber
for a corn!
Hello. I want to talk
to Dr. Faber, please.
Oh, his answering service.
Well, uh, have him
contact me, please.
This is
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
It's an emergency.
What?
Well, that's none of
your business.
You're not a doctor,
you're an answering service!
Have him contact me!
[Rings doorbell]
Oh, Dr. Faber.
I hurried over
as soon as I got
Oliver's message.
Where is he?
Out on the terrace.
What's wrong with him?
I don't know. We were
just going out to the party
and something went wrong
with his ears.
Dr. Faber!
I didn't want you
to come over!
I just wanted you
to call me.
They said it was urgent.
What's wrong
with your ears?
Uh, they're full
of corn borers!
Oh, well, there's
a lot of that going--
what?
My corn crop, it's infected
with corn borers.
Doctor, look at
that ear of corn.
You called me
over here be--
Oliver, do you know
where I was
when I got
your message?
I was
at the theater.
Front row, center.
It took me 4 months
to get those tickets
for hello, doctor.
And just as the curtain
was going up,
I got
an emergency call.
And I rushed
over here,
and what do I find?
You've got
a sick corn!
Where is your
sense of humanity?
The least you could do
is examine the corn!
I am
an obstetrician.
Everybody's
a specialist nowadays.
Where is the old-fashioned
corn doctor?
Man: Quiet up there!
Shut up yourself!
Oliver!
That's New York.
A man's crop is sick,
nobody cares.
Including me.
Maybe I can get
back to the theater
before the play
is over.
What about my corn?
Take it over
to bellevue.
Let them look at it!
While you're there, have
them examine your head.
I'm sorry I ever let you
deliver me to my mother!
Darling, now can we
go to the party?
No, we can't go now.
I've got to stay
with my corn.
Lisa!
I just passed Dr. Faber.
Is something wrong?
No.
Oh.
Well, darling, we're
all waiting for you
at the hotel.
Oliver doesn't
want to go.
Why not?
His corn
doesn't feel well.
His corn?
Go put on your wrap.
I'll put a bug
in his ear.
He already got them.
[Sighs]
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
Not now, mother, please.
Yes, now.
Would you sacrifice
an anniversary party
to wet nurse
these weeds?
These are not weeds.
These...
Well...
That's a weed.
The rest are tomatoes
and corn and onions--
oh, I don't know
how your marriage
has ever lasted
this long.
How long?
Do you realize
there are 50 people
waiting for you
to show up?
I didn't invite them.
What am I going
to tell them?
I don't care
what you tell them.
I'd like to tell them
that we are not related.
Oh, Oliver,
you will come,
won't you, darling?
No, I won't!
Just like your father.
He never would
go anywhere.
Not even to
his own wedding.
Go in and get your coat.
No, I'm not
going to come.
I'm going to stay here
and take care of my farm.
I'll take care
of your farm.
Mother!
I am plowing you under.
Mother!
Oliver, I am doing this
for your own.
Mother!
[Groans]
Well, then, the policeman
came upstairs,
and--
you don't have to tell
him. He saw the picture.
Is that the way
it really happened?
No, she exaggerated.
When?
Well,
in the first place,
Dr. Faber only waited 3
months for his tickets.
And they weren't
in the first row.
They were--they were
in the third row
and behind a post!
It's too bad
you didn't remember
how long you were
married last year,
or you wouldn't be in
the spot you're in this year.
Have you finished
your breakfast?
No, sir.
Yes, you have. Out.
Yes, sir.
Darling...
Where are we going to go
for our anniversary?
How about
the shady rest hotel?
How about the ritz?
The shady rest
is nearer.
I don't mind traveling.
The shady rest.
Just one more question.
Hmm?
How about El Morocco?
Lisa, one of the--
[truck horn honks]
Oh, just what I needed.
Mr. haney.
Uh, Mr. Douglas,
let me be the first
to congratulate you
on your wedding
anniverserary.
Oh, thank you very much.
Uh, how did you
know about it?
It was on Coop dingle's
radio show this morning.
Oh? How did he
know about it?
Uh, didn't you tell him?
No.
I guess old Coop
made another
lucky guess.
How many years
of connubian bliss
are you celebrating?
Didn't Coop say?
Yes, he did.
How many?
Uh, I don't know.
Just then,
my wife turned on
her diathermy machine
and, uh, near
staticked out 2 tubes.
Your wife taking
treatments?
No, she just don't like
for me to listen
to the radio.
Uh, Mr. haney...
Could we get down
to business?
Business?
Well, I'm sure
you didn't come over here
just to wish me
a happy anniversary.
Mr. Douglas,
do you think I'd stoop
to sordid commercialism
on this happy occasion?
Yes, I do.
Well, you're wrong.
I brought you a wedding
anniversary present.
You what?
Oliver.
Lisa...
Mr. haney has brought us
an anniversary present.
There you are.
With my compliments.
Free and clear.
A genuine south
American rubber plant.
Why, thank you,
Mr. haney.
That's very beautiful.
Oh, this is--
this is pretty, isn't it?
Yes.
We haven't got anything
to put it in.
You don't have a pot
to put it in?
No, but we can be sure
you've got one
on your truck.
Well, I wouldn't
be too sure,
Mr. Douglas, until
we take a look.
Excuse me.
No, I don't
have any.
Uh, what's that pot?
Pot?
That's a genuine
grecian urn.
It's worth--
it's priceless.
How much for
the priceless urn?
3.95.
I'm not buying it.
But, darling, we need
a pot for the plant.
don't you see
what he's doing?
He's giving us
the plant
so we'll have to
buy the pot.
Mr. Douglas...
You know how
to hit a man
below the belt.
If you think
i come here
for that purpose,
you can have
the pot,
and happy
anniversary.
Well, i--i--
no charge.
Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. haney.
I didn't--
that's all right.
Have a happy day.
That's very nice of him
to give us the...
Wait a minute.
Something wrong?
What about the plant?
What plant?
The rubber plant.
Oh, do you like it?
Yes.
I can let you have
it for, uh, 3.95.
You gave us that!
Yeah, but you
exchanged it
for the pot.
I did not! You--
darling, buy the pot.
All right.
Now...
How about
a watering can?
No!
Well,
while you're getting
the correct change,
I would like to
recite a little poem
I composed for
anniversaries...
Copies of which
can be purchased
from the author
for 25 cents.
Happy anniversary.
Anniversaries come
but once a year,
bringing joy
and good cheer.
Some are sad,
some are funny...
Get on your truck.
Here's your money.
Yes, this will be perfect.
Small table in alcove.
Now, do you want
a tablecloth on that?
Oh, yes, yes,
and some flowers,
and candles...
How do you spell
candles?
C-a-n-d-l-e-s.
You sure?
Of course I'm sure.
Maybe I better look it
up in the dictionary.
Spell it any way
you like.
C-a-n-d-e-l-l-s.
How long you been
married?
What do you have
to know that for?
So I'll know what to
put on the cake.
We don't want a cake.
Oh, you want
the cheap dinner.
No, I want the best
dinner you have.
That comes with a cake.
All right,
we'll have a cake.
Just write...
"Happy anniversary" on it.
Oh, Mr. Douglas.
Oh, Mrs. Bradley.
Mrs. Douglas and I
are spending our wedding
anniversary here tonight.
Wonderful.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I talked him out of
the cheap dinner.
Congratulations
to you, too.
Uh, how long have you
been married?
Well, uh...
Heh. Well,
quite a few years.
Oh. Heh heh.
Is that what you want
on the cake?
"Happy quite-a-few-years
anniversary"?
Why do we have to have
anything on the cake?
How's your wife gonna know
it's your anniversary?
I'll tell her.
It'll spoil the surprise.
It's not
a surprise party.
Still want
the tablecloth?
Yes.
Mr. Douglas, what would
you like for dinner?
Oh, I have a choice?
Yeah. Either Cole slaw
or pickled beef
with your fried liver.
Liver...
Well, I was thinking
of something...
A little more exotic.
How do you spell that?
Well, about the most
exotic thing we have
around here
is fried chicken.
Not on Wednesday.
On Wednesday we push
the fried liver.
If you want to come back
on Saturday--
Joe.
Leave it to me,
Mr. Douglas.
I know what
you want.
Oh, look,
one more thing.
Do you suppose I could
get a bottle of...
Good wine?
Maybe a...
Chateau lafitte '56?
Well, I don't think
we have that,
but we do have
cooking Sherry '65.
Hey...
I had a cold last week...
We had
cooking Sherry '65.
Oh.
But don't you worry.
I'll, uh, I'll take care
of everything.
Oh, thank you very much.
We'll be here
at 8:00 sharp.
Good.
Bye, now.
Bye.
I don't remember you
having a cold.
[Coughs]
Happy anniversary,
darling.
To you, too, sweetheart.
Happy?
I certainly am.
You remember last year
at this time, I said to you,
the one thing that would
make me completely happy
was if we were to spend
this anniversary
on our own farm,
and here we are.
Well, perhaps
the next anniversary
will be better.
Oh, Lisa.
[Giggles]
I better go and put on
some more lipstick.
Hurry up.
We're due at
the shady rest at 8:00.
Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
What's the matter?
I wanted to show you--
boy, you sure are
duded up!
Well, thank you. Uh...
What did you
want to show me?
This. don't that put
a chill in your bones.
It just looks like
a little fly.
I think it's
a wheat stem saw fly.
What about it?
I found him out
in the fields on your wheat.
If he's got any of
his friends with him,
you can say good-bye
to your crop.
Are you sure
that's what it is?
No, sir.
But Mr. kimball
would know for sure.
Yes, he would.
Too bad he's on vacation.
How could he go
on a vacation
at a time like this?
I'm about to lose
my whole wheat crop.
Oh, that kimball.
Well, he wouldn't
give you an answer
right away, anyway.
He'd have to
contact Washington.
Washington!
[Telephone rings]
Department of agriculture,
George bennington speaking.
I want to talk to the
secretary of agriculture.
Well, he's out.
It's his anniversary.
How come every time I call
it's his anniversary?
Every time you call?
Say, your angry little voice
sounds familiar.
Aren't you the fellow
that was infected with
corn borers last year?
That's right.
What do you got
this year?
Wheat stem saw flies.
Oh, how about that.
So you're raising wheat
out on the terrace now, huh?
Ha. You know,
you park Avenue folks are--
I don't live on
park Avenue anymore.
Oh, they canceled
the lease, huh?
No, I bought a farm
near hooterville.
Where?
Hooterville.
You're pulling my leg.
Ha ha ha.
Listen, this is serious.
Yes, it is.
You ought to stop
lapping the sauce.
Now, look here.
This whole valley
may be wiped out.
I demand to speak
to the head man.
You find him!
And if he doesn't
call me back
within 5 minutes,
I'll take care of him!
That sounds very much
like a threat.
You take it
any way you want!
Let us out!
You hear?
You let us out of here!
Mr. Douglas, would you mind
lowering your voice?
You can't hold us like this!
I know my rights!
I am an attorney, and i
demand to see an attorney.
I'm sorry, but I have
orders to hold you
until the f.B.I.
Gets here.
On what charge?
Using the telephone
to threaten a public official.
Mr. Douglas...
You'll be lucky if you
get away with 10 years.
10 years?
Darling, you remembered!
What?
How long
we've been married!
10 years.
Oh, 10--
oh, 10--oh, yeah!
Oh, of course!
How could I forget
the happiest 10 years
of my life?
Happy anniversary.
Thank you, darling.
Oliver...
Our next anniversary--
the 11th--
could we celebrate
somewhere else?
What difference
does it make,
as long as we're together
in the same cell?
Happy anniversary,
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.
Wherever you may be.
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Batter gurgling]
[Sizzles]
[Tearing]
Oliver...
Sweetheart, darling...
Breakfast is ready.
Boy, Mrs. Douglas is sure
"sweetheart, darling" you
all over the place today.
Eb...This is our
anniversary.
It is?
You gonna send me flowers?
Why should I send you
flowers?
I've been working
for you 8 weeks.
Eb...This is
my wedding anniversary.
Oh! Congratulations.
How long you been
married?
Well, we've been
married...
Let's see, now...
We were married in 19--
no, no, that was
the year
I got out
of the air force.
Yes. We were
married 19--
no, that was the year i
started my law practice.
Well, it must have
been then--
you sure you're married?
Of course I'm sure.
I never saw your
marriage certificate.
don't worry.
We've got one.
It's in the safe
deposit box.
Mr. haney used to have his
hanging up on the wall.
Well, that's nice.
He used to throw
darts at it.
I won't throw
darts at mine.
I'm a happily
married man.
But you can't
remember how long.
What difference
does it make,
as long as
I'm happily married?
My wife is
a wonderful woman.
A little hard to
understand at times,
but she's
a wonderful woman.
Lisa: Oliver!
Sweetheart, darling!
Breakfast is ready.
Well, shall we tie on
the feed bags,
sweetheart darling?
If this wasn't
my anniversary--
which one?
Never mind.
Just forget
the anniversary.
Why?
You'll see.
Uh...Could I have
the syrup, eb, please?
Thank you.
don't you notice anything?
Yes, how did you
get them so round?
I won't tell you.
Can't you see the candle?
Oh, sure.
don't you know
what it is for?
Why, it's
a hot cake warmer.
A hot cake warmer?
Isn't that
a good idea, eb?
It sure is.
Wish't I had one.
You forgot
what today is.
Oh, I didn't.
It's our anniversary.
Who told you?
Nobody.
Then how did you know?
I wouldn't forget
a thing like that.
Happy anniversary.
Doggone...
You married people
sure have fun.
How long have
we been married?
Uh, well, uh...
Count the candle.
Uh, we, uh...
You don't remember.
No, of course
i remember.
We've been married...
Uh...
Quite a few years.
And believe me, they
have been the happiest
quite-a-few years
of my life.
How can you forget
a thing like this?
I didn't!
Hey, before I forget,
we're gonna celebrate
tonight, just you and I.
Like we celebrated last year
in the old country?
What old country?
New York.
What happened?
Oh, nothing.
Uh, do you want to see
the anniversary picture?
I'd love to.
He wouldn't be
interested.
Yes, I would.
Lisa, don't bother.
Here we are.
There.
This is your
anniversary picture?
This is it.
Wow! It must have been
some swinging party.
There was no party.
There was a party,
but we never got there.
You see, eb--
you don't have
to tell him.
Well, you see,
we were still living in our
penthouse in New York...
Happy anniversary,
darling.
And to you.
Happy?
Oh, very happy.
Only one thing would
make me happier...
If we had a farm.
Well, you have one
right out there.
Oh, no, no, I mean
a real farm.
Look, let's buy a farm.
We can spend
our next anniversary
in our own farmhouse.
Are you trying
to start a fight?
Where are you going?
To put on some lipstick
because we're going to
be late to the party.
Come here.
I just want you to know
that these have been
the happiest...
Uh...Years of my life.
How many?
Uh, well, now,
let's see, this is our...
Uh...
Well, you know!
I know that I know,
but do you?
Of course I do!
How many?
Uh...
Say, you better get
your lipstick on.
We're gonna be late.
You don't remember!
Of course I remember!
How would I forget
a thing like that?
Go on,
put on your lipstick.
The wedding certificate
is in the bank vault.
I'm not looking
for your lipstick.
Put on your
wedding cer--
hurry up.
Lisa: It's no use
calling mother.
She's at the Waldorf
waiting for us.
Lisa!
Lisa!
What's the matter?
Look at this.
That's very pretty.
How did you get it
to grow this way?
I didn't grow it
this way!
I've got corn borers!
Good.
At last,
you're getting something
out of your farm.
I won't have
a farm at all.
They'll eat their way
through my whole crop.
Oh, look at that ear.
I gotta do something.
Darling, not tonight.
It's our anniversary,
and mother is
waiting with our guests
at the Waldorf.
I can't go. My--
my corn is sick!
What about the party?
Do you realize how long
we have been married?
That's beside
the point. I can't--
would you leave
a sick child?
These are not
sick children.
These are corns.
They're more than that.
I raised these
from tiny seeds.
I-i watered them.
I cared for them...
Watched them grow
to manhood.
Or cornhood.
Whatever they are.
They need me.
I'm not gonna
desert them.
Darling,
what about the party?
I've gotta get help.
Couldn't you do it
tomorrow?
I want to talk to
Washington, D.C., please.
The department
of agriculture.
I don't care if
the circuits are busy.
This is an emergency.
Now, put me through.
[Telephone rings]
Department of
agriculture.
I want to speak to
the secretary of agriculture.
Well, maybe I can
help you.
Who's this?
Well, uh...
I'm the secretary's
secretary's secretary.
What?
Well, you see, uh,
the secretary
has a secretary,
and, uh,
I'm his secretary.
Well, uh, I want to
speak to the secretary.
Uh, which one?
The head one!
Well, uh, he's out. He's
not in this evening.
He can't be!
This is an emergency!
Well, I know, but
it's his anniversary.
Well, it's my anniversary,
and I'm not out.
Well, you should be.
Lisa.
Uh, no, George.
George bennington.
I was talking to--
is there somebody there
that can help me?
Well, uh, maybe I can.
What seems to be
the trouble?
I'm infested
with corn borers!
Well, uh, why don't you
take a good hot bath
or a shower.
I think that'll do it.
I'm not talking
about myself.
My crop is infested.
Oh, I see, I see.
Well, uh, have you
called your, uh...
Local county agent?
I don't know his name.
Where do you live?
I live in New York City.
10016 park Avenue.
No, no,
i mean your farm.
Where is your farm?
On the terrace
of my penthouse.
On the, uh,
terrace of your...
Penthouse?
Yes.
Uh, well, look,
I'm, uh...
I'm quite sure we don't
have a county agent
on park Avenue.
Why don't you try
Times Square.
Why does everybody
have to call
the department
of agriculture
when they get drunk?
Ah, he hung up.
Well, what about
the party?
Dr. Faber.
You can't call Dr. Faber
for a corn!
Hello. I want to talk
to Dr. Faber, please.
Oh, his answering service.
Well, uh, have him
contact me, please.
This is
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
It's an emergency.
What?
Well, that's none of
your business.
You're not a doctor,
you're an answering service!
Have him contact me!
[Rings doorbell]
Oh, Dr. Faber.
I hurried over
as soon as I got
Oliver's message.
Where is he?
Out on the terrace.
What's wrong with him?
I don't know. We were
just going out to the party
and something went wrong
with his ears.
Dr. Faber!
I didn't want you
to come over!
I just wanted you
to call me.
They said it was urgent.
What's wrong
with your ears?
Uh, they're full
of corn borers!
Oh, well, there's
a lot of that going--
what?
My corn crop, it's infected
with corn borers.
Doctor, look at
that ear of corn.
You called me
over here be--
Oliver, do you know
where I was
when I got
your message?
I was
at the theater.
Front row, center.
It took me 4 months
to get those tickets
for hello, doctor.
And just as the curtain
was going up,
I got
an emergency call.
And I rushed
over here,
and what do I find?
You've got
a sick corn!
Where is your
sense of humanity?
The least you could do
is examine the corn!
I am
an obstetrician.
Everybody's
a specialist nowadays.
Where is the old-fashioned
corn doctor?
Man: Quiet up there!
Shut up yourself!
Oliver!
That's New York.
A man's crop is sick,
nobody cares.
Including me.
Maybe I can get
back to the theater
before the play
is over.
What about my corn?
Take it over
to bellevue.
Let them look at it!
While you're there, have
them examine your head.
I'm sorry I ever let you
deliver me to my mother!
Darling, now can we
go to the party?
No, we can't go now.
I've got to stay
with my corn.
Lisa!
I just passed Dr. Faber.
Is something wrong?
No.
Oh.
Well, darling, we're
all waiting for you
at the hotel.
Oliver doesn't
want to go.
Why not?
His corn
doesn't feel well.
His corn?
Go put on your wrap.
I'll put a bug
in his ear.
He already got them.
[Sighs]
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
Not now, mother, please.
Yes, now.
Would you sacrifice
an anniversary party
to wet nurse
these weeds?
These are not weeds.
These...
Well...
That's a weed.
The rest are tomatoes
and corn and onions--
oh, I don't know
how your marriage
has ever lasted
this long.
How long?
Do you realize
there are 50 people
waiting for you
to show up?
I didn't invite them.
What am I going
to tell them?
I don't care
what you tell them.
I'd like to tell them
that we are not related.
Oh, Oliver,
you will come,
won't you, darling?
No, I won't!
Just like your father.
He never would
go anywhere.
Not even to
his own wedding.
Go in and get your coat.
No, I'm not
going to come.
I'm going to stay here
and take care of my farm.
I'll take care
of your farm.
Mother!
I am plowing you under.
Mother!
Oliver, I am doing this
for your own.
Mother!
[Groans]
Well, then, the policeman
came upstairs,
and--
you don't have to tell
him. He saw the picture.
Is that the way
it really happened?
No, she exaggerated.
When?
Well,
in the first place,
Dr. Faber only waited 3
months for his tickets.
And they weren't
in the first row.
They were--they were
in the third row
and behind a post!
It's too bad
you didn't remember
how long you were
married last year,
or you wouldn't be in
the spot you're in this year.
Have you finished
your breakfast?
No, sir.
Yes, you have. Out.
Yes, sir.
Darling...
Where are we going to go
for our anniversary?
How about
the shady rest hotel?
How about the ritz?
The shady rest
is nearer.
I don't mind traveling.
The shady rest.
Just one more question.
Hmm?
How about El Morocco?
Lisa, one of the--
[truck horn honks]
Oh, just what I needed.
Mr. haney.
Uh, Mr. Douglas,
let me be the first
to congratulate you
on your wedding
anniverserary.
Oh, thank you very much.
Uh, how did you
know about it?
It was on Coop dingle's
radio show this morning.
Oh? How did he
know about it?
Uh, didn't you tell him?
No.
I guess old Coop
made another
lucky guess.
How many years
of connubian bliss
are you celebrating?
Didn't Coop say?
Yes, he did.
How many?
Uh, I don't know.
Just then,
my wife turned on
her diathermy machine
and, uh, near
staticked out 2 tubes.
Your wife taking
treatments?
No, she just don't like
for me to listen
to the radio.
Uh, Mr. haney...
Could we get down
to business?
Business?
Well, I'm sure
you didn't come over here
just to wish me
a happy anniversary.
Mr. Douglas,
do you think I'd stoop
to sordid commercialism
on this happy occasion?
Yes, I do.
Well, you're wrong.
I brought you a wedding
anniversary present.
You what?
Oliver.
Lisa...
Mr. haney has brought us
an anniversary present.
There you are.
With my compliments.
Free and clear.
A genuine south
American rubber plant.
Why, thank you,
Mr. haney.
That's very beautiful.
Oh, this is--
this is pretty, isn't it?
Yes.
We haven't got anything
to put it in.
You don't have a pot
to put it in?
No, but we can be sure
you've got one
on your truck.
Well, I wouldn't
be too sure,
Mr. Douglas, until
we take a look.
Excuse me.
No, I don't
have any.
Uh, what's that pot?
Pot?
That's a genuine
grecian urn.
It's worth--
it's priceless.
How much for
the priceless urn?
3.95.
I'm not buying it.
But, darling, we need
a pot for the plant.
don't you see
what he's doing?
He's giving us
the plant
so we'll have to
buy the pot.
Mr. Douglas...
You know how
to hit a man
below the belt.
If you think
i come here
for that purpose,
you can have
the pot,
and happy
anniversary.
Well, i--i--
no charge.
Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. haney.
I didn't--
that's all right.
Have a happy day.
That's very nice of him
to give us the...
Wait a minute.
Something wrong?
What about the plant?
What plant?
The rubber plant.
Oh, do you like it?
Yes.
I can let you have
it for, uh, 3.95.
You gave us that!
Yeah, but you
exchanged it
for the pot.
I did not! You--
darling, buy the pot.
All right.
Now...
How about
a watering can?
No!
Well,
while you're getting
the correct change,
I would like to
recite a little poem
I composed for
anniversaries...
Copies of which
can be purchased
from the author
for 25 cents.
Happy anniversary.
Anniversaries come
but once a year,
bringing joy
and good cheer.
Some are sad,
some are funny...
Get on your truck.
Here's your money.
Yes, this will be perfect.
Small table in alcove.
Now, do you want
a tablecloth on that?
Oh, yes, yes,
and some flowers,
and candles...
How do you spell
candles?
C-a-n-d-l-e-s.
You sure?
Of course I'm sure.
Maybe I better look it
up in the dictionary.
Spell it any way
you like.
C-a-n-d-e-l-l-s.
How long you been
married?
What do you have
to know that for?
So I'll know what to
put on the cake.
We don't want a cake.
Oh, you want
the cheap dinner.
No, I want the best
dinner you have.
That comes with a cake.
All right,
we'll have a cake.
Just write...
"Happy anniversary" on it.
Oh, Mr. Douglas.
Oh, Mrs. Bradley.
Mrs. Douglas and I
are spending our wedding
anniversary here tonight.
Wonderful.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I talked him out of
the cheap dinner.
Congratulations
to you, too.
Uh, how long have you
been married?
Well, uh...
Heh. Well,
quite a few years.
Oh. Heh heh.
Is that what you want
on the cake?
"Happy quite-a-few-years
anniversary"?
Why do we have to have
anything on the cake?
How's your wife gonna know
it's your anniversary?
I'll tell her.
It'll spoil the surprise.
It's not
a surprise party.
Still want
the tablecloth?
Yes.
Mr. Douglas, what would
you like for dinner?
Oh, I have a choice?
Yeah. Either Cole slaw
or pickled beef
with your fried liver.
Liver...
Well, I was thinking
of something...
A little more exotic.
How do you spell that?
Well, about the most
exotic thing we have
around here
is fried chicken.
Not on Wednesday.
On Wednesday we push
the fried liver.
If you want to come back
on Saturday--
Joe.
Leave it to me,
Mr. Douglas.
I know what
you want.
Oh, look,
one more thing.
Do you suppose I could
get a bottle of...
Good wine?
Maybe a...
Chateau lafitte '56?
Well, I don't think
we have that,
but we do have
cooking Sherry '65.
Hey...
I had a cold last week...
We had
cooking Sherry '65.
Oh.
But don't you worry.
I'll, uh, I'll take care
of everything.
Oh, thank you very much.
We'll be here
at 8:00 sharp.
Good.
Bye, now.
Bye.
I don't remember you
having a cold.
[Coughs]
Happy anniversary,
darling.
To you, too, sweetheart.
Happy?
I certainly am.
You remember last year
at this time, I said to you,
the one thing that would
make me completely happy
was if we were to spend
this anniversary
on our own farm,
and here we are.
Well, perhaps
the next anniversary
will be better.
Oh, Lisa.
[Giggles]
I better go and put on
some more lipstick.
Hurry up.
We're due at
the shady rest at 8:00.
Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
What's the matter?
I wanted to show you--
boy, you sure are
duded up!
Well, thank you. Uh...
What did you
want to show me?
This. don't that put
a chill in your bones.
It just looks like
a little fly.
I think it's
a wheat stem saw fly.
What about it?
I found him out
in the fields on your wheat.
If he's got any of
his friends with him,
you can say good-bye
to your crop.
Are you sure
that's what it is?
No, sir.
But Mr. kimball
would know for sure.
Yes, he would.
Too bad he's on vacation.
How could he go
on a vacation
at a time like this?
I'm about to lose
my whole wheat crop.
Oh, that kimball.
Well, he wouldn't
give you an answer
right away, anyway.
He'd have to
contact Washington.
Washington!
[Telephone rings]
Department of agriculture,
George bennington speaking.
I want to talk to the
secretary of agriculture.
Well, he's out.
It's his anniversary.
How come every time I call
it's his anniversary?
Every time you call?
Say, your angry little voice
sounds familiar.
Aren't you the fellow
that was infected with
corn borers last year?
That's right.
What do you got
this year?
Wheat stem saw flies.
Oh, how about that.
So you're raising wheat
out on the terrace now, huh?
Ha. You know,
you park Avenue folks are--
I don't live on
park Avenue anymore.
Oh, they canceled
the lease, huh?
No, I bought a farm
near hooterville.
Where?
Hooterville.
You're pulling my leg.
Ha ha ha.
Listen, this is serious.
Yes, it is.
You ought to stop
lapping the sauce.
Now, look here.
This whole valley
may be wiped out.
I demand to speak
to the head man.
You find him!
And if he doesn't
call me back
within 5 minutes,
I'll take care of him!
That sounds very much
like a threat.
You take it
any way you want!
Let us out!
You hear?
You let us out of here!
Mr. Douglas, would you mind
lowering your voice?
You can't hold us like this!
I know my rights!
I am an attorney, and i
demand to see an attorney.
I'm sorry, but I have
orders to hold you
until the f.B.I.
Gets here.
On what charge?
Using the telephone
to threaten a public official.
Mr. Douglas...
You'll be lucky if you
get away with 10 years.
10 years?
Darling, you remembered!
What?
How long
we've been married!
10 years.
Oh, 10--
oh, 10--oh, yeah!
Oh, of course!
How could I forget
the happiest 10 years
of my life?
Happy anniversary.
Thank you, darling.
Oliver...
Our next anniversary--
the 11th--
could we celebrate
somewhere else?
What difference
does it make,
as long as we're together
in the same cell?
Happy anniversary,
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.
Wherever you may be.
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