Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 11 - Parity Begins at Home - full transcript
Oliver wants to plant all wheat but the local government committee tells him that he's not allowed.
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Well, how are things
over at hooterville,
Ben?
Oh, no sense
complaining.
Wally, haven't you found
those applications, yet?
Nope.
Wh-what is that
you got there?
Mail we haven't had
time to open.
Well, all right then,
just file it in
the unopened mail cabinet.
You know,
we ought to read
some of this mail
they're always
sending us
from Washington.
We'll get around to it
one of these days.
We get more mail from the
department of agriculture
than you can shake a--
oh, here they are
right here.
Newt colley
and Ben Miller.
Whoo.
Ahem.
Well, fellas.
Uh, the committee has gone
over your application,
and we are raising your
allotment for this year.
You are allowed to grow
10% more wheat
than you did last year.
Ohh.
You see we divided
up--
yeah, Wally.
Do you mind?
I happen to be the chairman
of this here committee.
You see we divided up
the haney wheat acreage
amongst you fellers
'cause haney didn't put in
for his allotment this year.
Oh, uh, haney
got rid of his farm.
Finally gave up,
huh?
No, no.
Some city feller named
Douglas bought it.
Both: The haney place?
Maybe you ought
to talk to Douglas
before you raise
our allotment.
Yeah. He's figgering
on farming it.
Both: The haney place?
[Oliver singing]
[Singing]
Lisa!
Lisa.
Did the water turn off
all right, dear?
Yeah. I didn't want it
turned off.
But you said
when you holler,
I should turn off
the water.
No, no.
I wasn't hollering
for you to turn it off.
I was hollering for you
to pick up the soap for me.
Well, your soap holler
sounds just like
your turn off holler.
Would you be k--
ohh.
[Squeak]
[Squeak]
[Telephone rings]
Lisa!
[Rings]
[Ringing]
Did I get it right
this time?
No.
That wasn't your water
turn off holler?
The telephone is ringing.
Didn't you hear it?
No. You were hollering
too loud.
Well, answer it.
All right, darling.
[Rings]
[Rings]
[Rings]
[Rings]
[Rings]
Hello.
Hello. Uh, this is
George Wilkins.
Hello, Mr. Wilkins.
How are you?
Who is it?
Mr. Wilkins.
Who's that?
I don't know.
Mr. Wilkins,
who are you?
Well, well, well,
who is this?
Mrs. Douglas
on the pole.
On the pole?
That's where
the phone is.
The wire wasn't
long enough to reach
to the kitchen where
we were going to put it.
Oh, I see.
Mrs. Douglas.
Would you do something
for me?
Would you put your husband
on the pole?
I-i mean on the phone.
Darling, he wants
to talk to you.
Well, I can't come
up there.
I'm all wet.
My husband is all wet.
Well, tell him
it's very important.
I'm from the conservation
and stabilization committee.
He's with the stables
and zation committee.
No, no, ma'am.
That's--that's one word.
Oh. Well, what is
the word?
Uh, um, the word--
uh, uh.
Ma'am, would you--
would you tell your husband
that I'd like to come over
and see him this afternoon?
Thank you.
Lisa!
Lisa: The water
is off, dear!
Oh, no.
Can you come here?
I want to show you
these pictures.
Look it here.
It's very exciting.
What does it mean?
This shows the profit
that we're gonna make
on that 160 acres of wheat
that I'm gonna plant.
Why do you plant
so much wheat?
Because wheat is--is
used to make
the greatest
single commodity
consumed by
the average family.
Caviar?
Bread.
Now. Now, look
at this.
This is just rough,
you know.
We got 160 acres.
We need approximately
6,000 pounds of seed.
Now, 6,000 pounds of seed
yields approximately
4,000 bushels of wheat.
Now, the seed
costs $270.
We sell the wheat
for $8,000.
Less the cost
of the seed.
This leaves us a p--
mm-mmm.
This leaves us a profit
of $7,730.
You know how
much money that is?
One and a half
mink coats.
Well, that's one way
to look at it, yeah.
But I mean, our
first year on the farm,
we make over $7,500.
You know what
my first year
of law practice I made?
Uh, one small mink stole
you bought me.
That was
mink-dyed muskrat.
You said it was
real mink.
Well, I was,
you know...
Anyway. This proves
what I've always said.
You don't have to go
through the rat race
of the city
to make a living.
You can live
off the land.
You said it was
real mink.
Oh, Lisa,
i was j--
is this real?
Yes.
That's real.
You sure it isn't
mink-dyed rhinestone?
There isn't
any such thing.
You looked for one?
Come on. Get my
breakfast, will you?
I'm getting hungry.
Into the kitchen with you.
Ha ha.
Shoo, shoo.
Darling, I can't
cook breakfast.
I have the washing machine
plugged in, which is a 6.
Now if I plug in
the coffee pot,
which is a 2, it's going
to blow up the generator,
and that always
makes you so mad.
Yes, yes. I-i know.
Why do you have the
washer plugged in?
I'm washing.
It's my first load.
Lisa.
I'm proud of you.
We've been here
how long?
27 years.
6 weeks.
Is that all?
Well, for a girl
who never raised
her hand to do anything
around the house,
you're already learned
to cook...Sort of.
You've learned
to make the bed.
Sort of.
Now, you're doing
your own wash.
Oh, I can't tell you
how proud I am of--
[rattling]
What's wrong
with the washer?
Did you overload it?
I only put in 2 sheets
and 2 pillowcases.
Well, that shouldn't
overload it.
What did you put
in there?!
Well, I told you
just 2 sheets
and 2 pillowcases.
And 2 pillows!
Oh, they came
in the pillowcases.
You don't wash
pillows.
I'm stupid.
No, you're not
stupid, but--
I'm smart?
No, you're not
smart, either.
Will you, uh--
next time
ask somebody.
I sweep up.
Uh, wait a second.
Here, let me do it.
Hmm?
Heh heh.
[Crackle]
Ha ha. You blew
the generator.
I know.
Heh heh. You see the
vacuum cleaner is a 4,
and you already have
a 6 plugged in,
which is a 10,
which is 3 more than 7,
which you can't do.
But you could
pull out the 6,
and you could plug in
the toaster,
and then i
could cook breakfast.
Good.
Oh, how old haney sold
this house to anybody
is more than I can
understand, I swear.
You think Mr. Douglas
is inside?
I don't know, but it
sounds like somebody
is watering around
this side of the house.
He's got
pretty legs.
Sure has.
Uh, Mr. Douglas?
Hello.
No wonder he had
pretty legs.
He's a girl.
Uh, pardon me, ma'am,
but is--is
Mr. Douglas here?
I can't hear you!
Oliver!
Oh. Excuse me,
what did you say?
Uh, uh, we'd like
to see Mr. Douglas.
Oh!
Oliver!
I didn't want the water!
Oliver!
You see whenever
anybody's in here,
and you holler "Oliver"
or "Lisa,"
the water turns off.
It all depends who is in
and--and what the water
is doing.
Oh.
It would be easier
if I went and got him.
No, ma'am! don't
come out of there.
Honey, will you
make up your mind?
Do you want the water
on or off? You've got
to let me know
one way or the other.
Yes, hi, gentlemen.
How do you do?
I'm Wally Jenkins,
and this is
George Wilkins.
Uh, we're with
the conservation
and stabilization
committee.
Darling, did you get
all the goose feathers
out of the
washing machine?
Yes, I did.
Uh, nice to have
met you, gentlemen.
Now, gentlemen. What
can I do for you?
You've heard
of our committee.
I'm afraid not.
Oh, well, then I guess
I'd better explain
it to you. You see--
uh, Wally. I'll do
the explaining.
I've got
the seniority.
I've been
on this committee
just as long
as you have.
Gentlemen, I'm--I've got
a very busy day.
I'm doing
my planting today.
What are
you plantin'?
Wally, please.
Will you remember
I've got the seniority,
and besides that I'm
the committee chairman.
Uh, what are you
plantin?
Wheat.
160 acres of it.
You hear that, George?
160 acres!
And all of it wheat?
I'm afraid you can't
do that.
At first, i--
what do you mean
i can't do it?
I'll explain it
to you.
Wally!
George will explain
it to you.
He's got
the pamphlet.
Yes, I've got the--.
No, I ain't got
the pamphlet.
I thought you
had it.
Oh. Yeah.
Now then.
What are you doing
with it?
I'm the chairman
of this committee.
Uh, Mr. Douglas,
do you have
a past history
in growing wheat?
No, no.
All I've ever grown
is corn, radishes,
carrots and squash.
You see, I did all
my farming on the terrace
of my park Avenue
penthouse.
Ohh.
Uh, those crops don't
come under this program.
This just covers wheat.
Now, we determine
the amount of wheat
you can grow by
the amount of wheat
that was grown
on this farm in 1958.
59.
Uh, 58-59 season.
Now, according
to our records--
uh, you got
the records, Wally?
Right here.
What are you doing
with 'em?
I'm the
committee chairman.
Now, in 1958--
and 9.
Mr. haney grew
8 acres of wheat,
and, therefore, that
makes your allotment
of wheat 8 acres.
Gentlemen, this is my farm.
This is my land.
And if I want to plant
the whole 160 acres
in wheat,
nobody is going
to tell me I can't.
Nobody's trying to tell
you you can't.
Then what's all
the fuss about?
Oh, there won't be any
fuss about plantin' it.
Oh, the fuss will start
when you try to sell it.
Except the 8 acres.
There won't be any
fuss about selling that.
You mean to tell me
i can't sell
the other 152 acres
of wheat?
Of course you can.
Well, then what are you
talking about?
The penalties.
What penalty?
Read it to him.
I know when to read
it to him.
Hold that.
Now, here we are.
Any operator, landlord,
tenant, or sharecropper
who exceeds his
authorized use
of allotted
cropland acreage
by more than
1/10 of 1%
will be subject
to a penalty of not less
than 65% of parity price
times the number
of bushels of the excess
wheat he produced.
A man's land is his own!
He can do what
he wants with it!
And if I want to plant my
whole 160 acres in wheat,
nobody is going
to stop me!
You--you haven't
been listening
to our chairman.
He said--
I know what he said.
He said if I plant
more than 8 acres of wheat,
I have got to pay
a penalty.
Probably wouldn't
cost you too much.
I don't care if it
cost me a thin dime!
It's the principle
of the thing.
Why don't you think
it over, Mr. Douglas?
Here. We'll leave you
this pamphlet.
We can't
leave it.
It's the only one
we got.
Well, uh, it's been nice
talking to you.
We'll be
seeing you.
And you'll be hearing
from me!
I'm not gonna take this
lying down!
You've got a bull
by the tail!
I'm an attorney.
I know the law!
And I am telling you
that what you're trying
to do to me is against
every principle
this country
was founded on!
Lisa!
Sam: Quiet. Quiet!
What did he say?
He said quiet!
Well, then,
what are you
yelling for?!
Now, before i
introduce Mr. Douglas,
who's starting all
this trouble,
I'd like to make
an announcement.
Mr. Douglas' opinions
are his own and are not
necessarily endorsed
by drucker's store.
I'm just lending this
place for the meeting.
Mr. Douglas.
Thank you. Ahem.
Gentlemen, ahem,
why are we gathered
here tonight?
That's what I want
to know.
We're missing
gomer pyle.
Well, we're gathered
here tonight
to protest a violation
of one of America's--
what did he say?
I said
we're here--
grandpappy, would you like
to sit closer to me?
No, i
don't want
to sit on
your knee!
Grandpappy, would you
let Mr. Douglas talk?
Go ahead, Mr. Douglas.
Yes, thank you.
Uh, where was I?
Explaining why we're
missing gomer pyle.
Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, we're missing
gomer pyle
because we're here
to right an injustice!
Are we to be allowed
to grow--
excuse me,
Mr. Douglas.
Who'd you say
we're gonna write to?
We're going to write
to an injustice because--
no, no. I mean, uh,
we are going to right
an injustice!
[Sighs]
Gentlemen, the question
is this.
Is our land ours to grow
what we want to
or are we going to have
to grow what we
don't want to
because they don't
want us to?
I say no!
Gentlemen,
we are farmers!
I have prepared
a petition of protests.
If we all sign it,
we can make
our voice heard
in Washington.
They wouldn't
listen to us.
Mr. Kiley, may I refer you
to the words
of Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Mr. Emerson said,
"by the rude bridge
that arched the flood,
"their flag to
April's breeze unfurled,
"here once the
embattled farmers stood
"and fired the shot
heard round the world."
Gentlemen, we too
can fire that shot!
[Whoosh]
Lisa: Darling, it's a very
good picture of you.
But you forgot
to say "cheese."
Cheese?
You know that makes
you smile.
Cheese.
I was in no mood
to smile.
I was mad.
Oh, I don't like you
when you're mad.
Cheese.
No, I don't want
to say--
oh, come on.
Cheese.
That's the wrong
kind of cheese.
You're not smiling.
Lisa, I am fighting
for a principle.
And the farmers
are with me.
Everyone of them signed
that petition last night,
and do you know why?
They all wanted
to go home
to see gomer pyle.
If I'm gonna win
this fight,
I'm going to need
a certain amount
of understanding
and Cooper-
[knocking]
Excuse me.
Oh, good morning,
Mr. kimball.
Good morning,
Mr. Douglas,
Mrs. Douglas.
Well, it's not
a good morning,
it's a--
oh, boy.
Would you like
to have
a cup of coffee?
I'd love it.
Oh, fine.
Sit over here.
I'll join you.
Have a cup myself.
Thank you.
Mr. Douglas, do you
know what you started?
Mm-hmm.
Well, you must
have known
or you wouldn't have
started it.
Oh, boy.
Uh, do you think
I'm right?
Well, as the
county agent,
I'm not allowed to say.
But as a private, uh...
Oh, boy.
Darling. [Blows]
You forgot to
vacuum the cupboard.
[Blows]
[Clink]
[Blows]
Goose feathers.
Oh, yes. There lots
of them around
this time of year.
Well, not lots
of 'em.
Usually they don't
come in until about--
oh, i-i forgot
to put in the water.
Oh, well, uh--
well, why don't you
eat it? It's hot.
[Clink]
You started
to say...
I did?
Oh, yes. I did.
Mr. Douglas, you've
got the whole county
in an uproar.
Well, not
the county.
The state.
Some of it
has even leaped
across the border
into the next--
well, not leaped.
It was more like
a flood.
'Cause I stood up
for my rights?
Mr. Douglas,
i can save you.
It's all
in this pamphlet.
What pamphlet?
Uh, uh, this one
i got
from
the conservation
and stabilization
committee.
Now, instead
of growing wheat--
Mr. kimball, I am going
to grow wheat!
You mind if i
read this?
Ahem. If the farmer
wants to substitute
feed grains
for wheat,
he can do so
and increase
his farm's acreage
of cropland
devoted to
conservation use
above the
conservation base
by not less
than the sum
of the acreage
devoted
to conserving uses
under this program,
including...
Including
the .11 percentage
of the wheat
allotment.
Ha ha.
You couldn't ask
for a simpler way
out, could you?
I don't understand
what that means.
You don't?
Well, you don't have
to understand
what it, uh, it uh--
it was printed in,
uh...
Washington.
Well, when they
print something
in Washington,
they know
what it means.
Well, they
usually do.
I know I once got a
bulletin from them.
Mr. kimball,
if you're trying
to talk me out
of raising wheat,
you're wasting
your time.
Mr. Douglas,
I'm your friend.
Well, not
your friend.
I-i haven't known
you that long.
How long have
i known you?
Oh, well,
doesn't matter.
Uh, just like
to have you
take this piece
of advice.
Think awhile before
you send in
that petition.
It's too late
already.
I mailed it
last night.
Airmail.
Special delivery.
Department of agriculture,
Washington.
Where did this
petition come from?
Uh...Hooterville.
You're making that up.
No. No, sir,
I'm not.
Well, surely, they can't
be serious about this.
Well, they must be.
I've received
2 phone calls
and a telegram
from a Mr. newt Kiley.
Newt Kiley?
Sounds like a character
on gomer pyle.
That doesn't make
any more sense than
this petition to abolish
wheat penalties.
Want me to take
care of it?
No. No, I'll
handle it.
You find out where
hooterville is,
who's chairman of
their conservation
and stabilization
program
and get them
on the phone.
Ok.
Mr. Douglas, I sneaked
your wheat seed
in the back way.
They haven't
come, yet?
Who hasn't?
The national guard.
What are you--
shh.
Do you hear
something rumbling?
Oh, it's just
my stomach. Ha ha.
I've been eating
my own cooking.
I thought it
might be the tanks.
Tanks?
What tanks?
What the
national--
what are you--
what are you
dressed like
this for?
The siege.
Mr. Douglas,
when you stand up
to the department
of agriculture,
you stand up
to the federal government
of the United States.
And when you do that,
you'd better be ready
to fight.
I am not fighting.
I'm simply protesting
the wheat penalties.
Shh. Shh.
No, no.
Now, after you pay me
for delivering
your wheat seed--
I didn't ask you
to deliver it.
Are you gonna quibble
over a paltry $14,
with a feller
who's willing
to risk his life
to defend your farm?
$14!
Well, now that
that's settled.
We'll unload the seed,
then we'll roll the truck
across the road,
then you and me
will take up our positions
in the barn.
And this entire maneuver
is only gonna
cost you $8.00.
What?
Well, I had to get
my uniform pressed.
Mr. haney,
let's just unload--
here come the tanks.
Oh, that's a car.
They got it
camouflaged.
Friend or foe?
Hiya, haney.
don't try nothing.
I got you covered.
Mr. Douglas--
before you say
one word,
take a look
at that truck.
I've got 3 tons
of wheat seed on it,
and I intend to plant
my whole 160 acres
with it!
Good.
And nobody better
try and--
what do you mean good?
We hope you have
a bumper crop.
So you can stick me
with the penalties!
There ain't gonna
be no penalties.
Why, I thought
that you--
darling, was
Mr. haney drafted?
No, ma'am.
I'm just fightin'
the siege
of green acres.
Lisa.
The committee
just told me
I can plant
all the wheat
I want and
no penalties.
Oh, that's good.
That's right.
We heard
from Washington.
Uh-huh.
My petition
did the trick.
No, it was
that bawling out
we got that did it.
Yeah, the
wheat penalties
were abolished
in 1963.
You didn't know
about it?
Well, we, uh...
We haven't opened
our mail lately.
Lately!
That's what the
bawling out was for.
You mean to tell me
I went through
all that
because you didn't
open your mail?
I could have gotten
it--
you want me
to shoot 'em?
No.
Only cost you
$2.00 apiece.
Please, will you
unload the truck
we'll be
running along.
Wally, do you mind?
I'll say when
we'll be running
along.
I'm the chairman.
We'll be
running along.
Darling,
is everything
all right
with the wheat?
It certainly is.
Well, then come
into the house
and look at
the washing machine.
What's wrong
with it?
I don't know.
It makes funny noises.
What'd you put
in it?
Just a tablecloth.
Shouldn't make a
funny noise
with just a
tablecloth in it.
But it does
if you forget
to take the dishes
off it.
Lisa!
Say cheese.
Cheese!
Cheese.
Cheese.
Ha ha.
Ha ha.
Captioning made possible by
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mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Well, how are things
over at hooterville,
Ben?
Oh, no sense
complaining.
Wally, haven't you found
those applications, yet?
Nope.
Wh-what is that
you got there?
Mail we haven't had
time to open.
Well, all right then,
just file it in
the unopened mail cabinet.
You know,
we ought to read
some of this mail
they're always
sending us
from Washington.
We'll get around to it
one of these days.
We get more mail from the
department of agriculture
than you can shake a--
oh, here they are
right here.
Newt colley
and Ben Miller.
Whoo.
Ahem.
Well, fellas.
Uh, the committee has gone
over your application,
and we are raising your
allotment for this year.
You are allowed to grow
10% more wheat
than you did last year.
Ohh.
You see we divided
up--
yeah, Wally.
Do you mind?
I happen to be the chairman
of this here committee.
You see we divided up
the haney wheat acreage
amongst you fellers
'cause haney didn't put in
for his allotment this year.
Oh, uh, haney
got rid of his farm.
Finally gave up,
huh?
No, no.
Some city feller named
Douglas bought it.
Both: The haney place?
Maybe you ought
to talk to Douglas
before you raise
our allotment.
Yeah. He's figgering
on farming it.
Both: The haney place?
[Oliver singing]
[Singing]
Lisa!
Lisa.
Did the water turn off
all right, dear?
Yeah. I didn't want it
turned off.
But you said
when you holler,
I should turn off
the water.
No, no.
I wasn't hollering
for you to turn it off.
I was hollering for you
to pick up the soap for me.
Well, your soap holler
sounds just like
your turn off holler.
Would you be k--
ohh.
[Squeak]
[Squeak]
[Telephone rings]
Lisa!
[Rings]
[Ringing]
Did I get it right
this time?
No.
That wasn't your water
turn off holler?
The telephone is ringing.
Didn't you hear it?
No. You were hollering
too loud.
Well, answer it.
All right, darling.
[Rings]
[Rings]
[Rings]
[Rings]
[Rings]
Hello.
Hello. Uh, this is
George Wilkins.
Hello, Mr. Wilkins.
How are you?
Who is it?
Mr. Wilkins.
Who's that?
I don't know.
Mr. Wilkins,
who are you?
Well, well, well,
who is this?
Mrs. Douglas
on the pole.
On the pole?
That's where
the phone is.
The wire wasn't
long enough to reach
to the kitchen where
we were going to put it.
Oh, I see.
Mrs. Douglas.
Would you do something
for me?
Would you put your husband
on the pole?
I-i mean on the phone.
Darling, he wants
to talk to you.
Well, I can't come
up there.
I'm all wet.
My husband is all wet.
Well, tell him
it's very important.
I'm from the conservation
and stabilization committee.
He's with the stables
and zation committee.
No, no, ma'am.
That's--that's one word.
Oh. Well, what is
the word?
Uh, um, the word--
uh, uh.
Ma'am, would you--
would you tell your husband
that I'd like to come over
and see him this afternoon?
Thank you.
Lisa!
Lisa: The water
is off, dear!
Oh, no.
Can you come here?
I want to show you
these pictures.
Look it here.
It's very exciting.
What does it mean?
This shows the profit
that we're gonna make
on that 160 acres of wheat
that I'm gonna plant.
Why do you plant
so much wheat?
Because wheat is--is
used to make
the greatest
single commodity
consumed by
the average family.
Caviar?
Bread.
Now. Now, look
at this.
This is just rough,
you know.
We got 160 acres.
We need approximately
6,000 pounds of seed.
Now, 6,000 pounds of seed
yields approximately
4,000 bushels of wheat.
Now, the seed
costs $270.
We sell the wheat
for $8,000.
Less the cost
of the seed.
This leaves us a p--
mm-mmm.
This leaves us a profit
of $7,730.
You know how
much money that is?
One and a half
mink coats.
Well, that's one way
to look at it, yeah.
But I mean, our
first year on the farm,
we make over $7,500.
You know what
my first year
of law practice I made?
Uh, one small mink stole
you bought me.
That was
mink-dyed muskrat.
You said it was
real mink.
Well, I was,
you know...
Anyway. This proves
what I've always said.
You don't have to go
through the rat race
of the city
to make a living.
You can live
off the land.
You said it was
real mink.
Oh, Lisa,
i was j--
is this real?
Yes.
That's real.
You sure it isn't
mink-dyed rhinestone?
There isn't
any such thing.
You looked for one?
Come on. Get my
breakfast, will you?
I'm getting hungry.
Into the kitchen with you.
Ha ha.
Shoo, shoo.
Darling, I can't
cook breakfast.
I have the washing machine
plugged in, which is a 6.
Now if I plug in
the coffee pot,
which is a 2, it's going
to blow up the generator,
and that always
makes you so mad.
Yes, yes. I-i know.
Why do you have the
washer plugged in?
I'm washing.
It's my first load.
Lisa.
I'm proud of you.
We've been here
how long?
27 years.
6 weeks.
Is that all?
Well, for a girl
who never raised
her hand to do anything
around the house,
you're already learned
to cook...Sort of.
You've learned
to make the bed.
Sort of.
Now, you're doing
your own wash.
Oh, I can't tell you
how proud I am of--
[rattling]
What's wrong
with the washer?
Did you overload it?
I only put in 2 sheets
and 2 pillowcases.
Well, that shouldn't
overload it.
What did you put
in there?!
Well, I told you
just 2 sheets
and 2 pillowcases.
And 2 pillows!
Oh, they came
in the pillowcases.
You don't wash
pillows.
I'm stupid.
No, you're not
stupid, but--
I'm smart?
No, you're not
smart, either.
Will you, uh--
next time
ask somebody.
I sweep up.
Uh, wait a second.
Here, let me do it.
Hmm?
Heh heh.
[Crackle]
Ha ha. You blew
the generator.
I know.
Heh heh. You see the
vacuum cleaner is a 4,
and you already have
a 6 plugged in,
which is a 10,
which is 3 more than 7,
which you can't do.
But you could
pull out the 6,
and you could plug in
the toaster,
and then i
could cook breakfast.
Good.
Oh, how old haney sold
this house to anybody
is more than I can
understand, I swear.
You think Mr. Douglas
is inside?
I don't know, but it
sounds like somebody
is watering around
this side of the house.
He's got
pretty legs.
Sure has.
Uh, Mr. Douglas?
Hello.
No wonder he had
pretty legs.
He's a girl.
Uh, pardon me, ma'am,
but is--is
Mr. Douglas here?
I can't hear you!
Oliver!
Oh. Excuse me,
what did you say?
Uh, uh, we'd like
to see Mr. Douglas.
Oh!
Oliver!
I didn't want the water!
Oliver!
You see whenever
anybody's in here,
and you holler "Oliver"
or "Lisa,"
the water turns off.
It all depends who is in
and--and what the water
is doing.
Oh.
It would be easier
if I went and got him.
No, ma'am! don't
come out of there.
Honey, will you
make up your mind?
Do you want the water
on or off? You've got
to let me know
one way or the other.
Yes, hi, gentlemen.
How do you do?
I'm Wally Jenkins,
and this is
George Wilkins.
Uh, we're with
the conservation
and stabilization
committee.
Darling, did you get
all the goose feathers
out of the
washing machine?
Yes, I did.
Uh, nice to have
met you, gentlemen.
Now, gentlemen. What
can I do for you?
You've heard
of our committee.
I'm afraid not.
Oh, well, then I guess
I'd better explain
it to you. You see--
uh, Wally. I'll do
the explaining.
I've got
the seniority.
I've been
on this committee
just as long
as you have.
Gentlemen, I'm--I've got
a very busy day.
I'm doing
my planting today.
What are
you plantin'?
Wally, please.
Will you remember
I've got the seniority,
and besides that I'm
the committee chairman.
Uh, what are you
plantin?
Wheat.
160 acres of it.
You hear that, George?
160 acres!
And all of it wheat?
I'm afraid you can't
do that.
At first, i--
what do you mean
i can't do it?
I'll explain it
to you.
Wally!
George will explain
it to you.
He's got
the pamphlet.
Yes, I've got the--.
No, I ain't got
the pamphlet.
I thought you
had it.
Oh. Yeah.
Now then.
What are you doing
with it?
I'm the chairman
of this committee.
Uh, Mr. Douglas,
do you have
a past history
in growing wheat?
No, no.
All I've ever grown
is corn, radishes,
carrots and squash.
You see, I did all
my farming on the terrace
of my park Avenue
penthouse.
Ohh.
Uh, those crops don't
come under this program.
This just covers wheat.
Now, we determine
the amount of wheat
you can grow by
the amount of wheat
that was grown
on this farm in 1958.
59.
Uh, 58-59 season.
Now, according
to our records--
uh, you got
the records, Wally?
Right here.
What are you doing
with 'em?
I'm the
committee chairman.
Now, in 1958--
and 9.
Mr. haney grew
8 acres of wheat,
and, therefore, that
makes your allotment
of wheat 8 acres.
Gentlemen, this is my farm.
This is my land.
And if I want to plant
the whole 160 acres
in wheat,
nobody is going
to tell me I can't.
Nobody's trying to tell
you you can't.
Then what's all
the fuss about?
Oh, there won't be any
fuss about plantin' it.
Oh, the fuss will start
when you try to sell it.
Except the 8 acres.
There won't be any
fuss about selling that.
You mean to tell me
i can't sell
the other 152 acres
of wheat?
Of course you can.
Well, then what are you
talking about?
The penalties.
What penalty?
Read it to him.
I know when to read
it to him.
Hold that.
Now, here we are.
Any operator, landlord,
tenant, or sharecropper
who exceeds his
authorized use
of allotted
cropland acreage
by more than
1/10 of 1%
will be subject
to a penalty of not less
than 65% of parity price
times the number
of bushels of the excess
wheat he produced.
A man's land is his own!
He can do what
he wants with it!
And if I want to plant my
whole 160 acres in wheat,
nobody is going
to stop me!
You--you haven't
been listening
to our chairman.
He said--
I know what he said.
He said if I plant
more than 8 acres of wheat,
I have got to pay
a penalty.
Probably wouldn't
cost you too much.
I don't care if it
cost me a thin dime!
It's the principle
of the thing.
Why don't you think
it over, Mr. Douglas?
Here. We'll leave you
this pamphlet.
We can't
leave it.
It's the only one
we got.
Well, uh, it's been nice
talking to you.
We'll be
seeing you.
And you'll be hearing
from me!
I'm not gonna take this
lying down!
You've got a bull
by the tail!
I'm an attorney.
I know the law!
And I am telling you
that what you're trying
to do to me is against
every principle
this country
was founded on!
Lisa!
Sam: Quiet. Quiet!
What did he say?
He said quiet!
Well, then,
what are you
yelling for?!
Now, before i
introduce Mr. Douglas,
who's starting all
this trouble,
I'd like to make
an announcement.
Mr. Douglas' opinions
are his own and are not
necessarily endorsed
by drucker's store.
I'm just lending this
place for the meeting.
Mr. Douglas.
Thank you. Ahem.
Gentlemen, ahem,
why are we gathered
here tonight?
That's what I want
to know.
We're missing
gomer pyle.
Well, we're gathered
here tonight
to protest a violation
of one of America's--
what did he say?
I said
we're here--
grandpappy, would you like
to sit closer to me?
No, i
don't want
to sit on
your knee!
Grandpappy, would you
let Mr. Douglas talk?
Go ahead, Mr. Douglas.
Yes, thank you.
Uh, where was I?
Explaining why we're
missing gomer pyle.
Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, we're missing
gomer pyle
because we're here
to right an injustice!
Are we to be allowed
to grow--
excuse me,
Mr. Douglas.
Who'd you say
we're gonna write to?
We're going to write
to an injustice because--
no, no. I mean, uh,
we are going to right
an injustice!
[Sighs]
Gentlemen, the question
is this.
Is our land ours to grow
what we want to
or are we going to have
to grow what we
don't want to
because they don't
want us to?
I say no!
Gentlemen,
we are farmers!
I have prepared
a petition of protests.
If we all sign it,
we can make
our voice heard
in Washington.
They wouldn't
listen to us.
Mr. Kiley, may I refer you
to the words
of Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Mr. Emerson said,
"by the rude bridge
that arched the flood,
"their flag to
April's breeze unfurled,
"here once the
embattled farmers stood
"and fired the shot
heard round the world."
Gentlemen, we too
can fire that shot!
[Whoosh]
Lisa: Darling, it's a very
good picture of you.
But you forgot
to say "cheese."
Cheese?
You know that makes
you smile.
Cheese.
I was in no mood
to smile.
I was mad.
Oh, I don't like you
when you're mad.
Cheese.
No, I don't want
to say--
oh, come on.
Cheese.
That's the wrong
kind of cheese.
You're not smiling.
Lisa, I am fighting
for a principle.
And the farmers
are with me.
Everyone of them signed
that petition last night,
and do you know why?
They all wanted
to go home
to see gomer pyle.
If I'm gonna win
this fight,
I'm going to need
a certain amount
of understanding
and Cooper-
[knocking]
Excuse me.
Oh, good morning,
Mr. kimball.
Good morning,
Mr. Douglas,
Mrs. Douglas.
Well, it's not
a good morning,
it's a--
oh, boy.
Would you like
to have
a cup of coffee?
I'd love it.
Oh, fine.
Sit over here.
I'll join you.
Have a cup myself.
Thank you.
Mr. Douglas, do you
know what you started?
Mm-hmm.
Well, you must
have known
or you wouldn't have
started it.
Oh, boy.
Uh, do you think
I'm right?
Well, as the
county agent,
I'm not allowed to say.
But as a private, uh...
Oh, boy.
Darling. [Blows]
You forgot to
vacuum the cupboard.
[Blows]
[Clink]
[Blows]
Goose feathers.
Oh, yes. There lots
of them around
this time of year.
Well, not lots
of 'em.
Usually they don't
come in until about--
oh, i-i forgot
to put in the water.
Oh, well, uh--
well, why don't you
eat it? It's hot.
[Clink]
You started
to say...
I did?
Oh, yes. I did.
Mr. Douglas, you've
got the whole county
in an uproar.
Well, not
the county.
The state.
Some of it
has even leaped
across the border
into the next--
well, not leaped.
It was more like
a flood.
'Cause I stood up
for my rights?
Mr. Douglas,
i can save you.
It's all
in this pamphlet.
What pamphlet?
Uh, uh, this one
i got
from
the conservation
and stabilization
committee.
Now, instead
of growing wheat--
Mr. kimball, I am going
to grow wheat!
You mind if i
read this?
Ahem. If the farmer
wants to substitute
feed grains
for wheat,
he can do so
and increase
his farm's acreage
of cropland
devoted to
conservation use
above the
conservation base
by not less
than the sum
of the acreage
devoted
to conserving uses
under this program,
including...
Including
the .11 percentage
of the wheat
allotment.
Ha ha.
You couldn't ask
for a simpler way
out, could you?
I don't understand
what that means.
You don't?
Well, you don't have
to understand
what it, uh, it uh--
it was printed in,
uh...
Washington.
Well, when they
print something
in Washington,
they know
what it means.
Well, they
usually do.
I know I once got a
bulletin from them.
Mr. kimball,
if you're trying
to talk me out
of raising wheat,
you're wasting
your time.
Mr. Douglas,
I'm your friend.
Well, not
your friend.
I-i haven't known
you that long.
How long have
i known you?
Oh, well,
doesn't matter.
Uh, just like
to have you
take this piece
of advice.
Think awhile before
you send in
that petition.
It's too late
already.
I mailed it
last night.
Airmail.
Special delivery.
Department of agriculture,
Washington.
Where did this
petition come from?
Uh...Hooterville.
You're making that up.
No. No, sir,
I'm not.
Well, surely, they can't
be serious about this.
Well, they must be.
I've received
2 phone calls
and a telegram
from a Mr. newt Kiley.
Newt Kiley?
Sounds like a character
on gomer pyle.
That doesn't make
any more sense than
this petition to abolish
wheat penalties.
Want me to take
care of it?
No. No, I'll
handle it.
You find out where
hooterville is,
who's chairman of
their conservation
and stabilization
program
and get them
on the phone.
Ok.
Mr. Douglas, I sneaked
your wheat seed
in the back way.
They haven't
come, yet?
Who hasn't?
The national guard.
What are you--
shh.
Do you hear
something rumbling?
Oh, it's just
my stomach. Ha ha.
I've been eating
my own cooking.
I thought it
might be the tanks.
Tanks?
What tanks?
What the
national--
what are you--
what are you
dressed like
this for?
The siege.
Mr. Douglas,
when you stand up
to the department
of agriculture,
you stand up
to the federal government
of the United States.
And when you do that,
you'd better be ready
to fight.
I am not fighting.
I'm simply protesting
the wheat penalties.
Shh. Shh.
No, no.
Now, after you pay me
for delivering
your wheat seed--
I didn't ask you
to deliver it.
Are you gonna quibble
over a paltry $14,
with a feller
who's willing
to risk his life
to defend your farm?
$14!
Well, now that
that's settled.
We'll unload the seed,
then we'll roll the truck
across the road,
then you and me
will take up our positions
in the barn.
And this entire maneuver
is only gonna
cost you $8.00.
What?
Well, I had to get
my uniform pressed.
Mr. haney,
let's just unload--
here come the tanks.
Oh, that's a car.
They got it
camouflaged.
Friend or foe?
Hiya, haney.
don't try nothing.
I got you covered.
Mr. Douglas--
before you say
one word,
take a look
at that truck.
I've got 3 tons
of wheat seed on it,
and I intend to plant
my whole 160 acres
with it!
Good.
And nobody better
try and--
what do you mean good?
We hope you have
a bumper crop.
So you can stick me
with the penalties!
There ain't gonna
be no penalties.
Why, I thought
that you--
darling, was
Mr. haney drafted?
No, ma'am.
I'm just fightin'
the siege
of green acres.
Lisa.
The committee
just told me
I can plant
all the wheat
I want and
no penalties.
Oh, that's good.
That's right.
We heard
from Washington.
Uh-huh.
My petition
did the trick.
No, it was
that bawling out
we got that did it.
Yeah, the
wheat penalties
were abolished
in 1963.
You didn't know
about it?
Well, we, uh...
We haven't opened
our mail lately.
Lately!
That's what the
bawling out was for.
You mean to tell me
I went through
all that
because you didn't
open your mail?
I could have gotten
it--
you want me
to shoot 'em?
No.
Only cost you
$2.00 apiece.
Please, will you
unload the truck
we'll be
running along.
Wally, do you mind?
I'll say when
we'll be running
along.
I'm the chairman.
We'll be
running along.
Darling,
is everything
all right
with the wheat?
It certainly is.
Well, then come
into the house
and look at
the washing machine.
What's wrong
with it?
I don't know.
It makes funny noises.
What'd you put
in it?
Just a tablecloth.
Shouldn't make a
funny noise
with just a
tablecloth in it.
But it does
if you forget
to take the dishes
off it.
Lisa!
Say cheese.
Cheese!
Cheese.
Cheese.
Ha ha.
Ha ha.
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