Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 10 - Don't Call Us, We'll Call You - full transcript

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Engine puttering]

Uh, what are you
going to do?

Plug in the coffee.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Uh, what's the rating
on the coffee pot?

2.



Uh-huh. And what have you
got already plugged in?

A 6 and a one.

And that adds up
to a 7.

That's the top load
the generator will carry.

Oh? Well, then i
pull out the one,

and I push
in the 2.

Is that all right?
No.

It will blow out
the generator.

And we don't want
to do that.

No. We don't.

All right.

I'll put in the one.

I pull out the 6,

and I plug in the 2.

Good.

But I don't need
the one.

Pull it out.

Is that all right
with the generator?

Anything is all right
with the generator,

so long as it doesn't
add up to more than 7.

Oh.

Darling, how much is an
electrical frying pan?

That's a 3.

What are you going
to use that for?

I've a surprise for you.

I'm not going to cook
hotcakes this morning.

Oh, wonderful!

You don't like
my hotcakes?

Oh, no! Yes, i
like your hotcakes.

I'm just glad you're
not going to--

uh, what are you

going to cook
instead?

Eggs.

Have we got any?

I left a note
with the egg lady.

The egg lady?

Alice the chicken.

You left a note
for a chicken?

Mm-hmm. I told her
we need 3 eggs.

Excuse me. I want to see
if she got our order in.

Good morning, Alice.

[Clucks]

Did you get my note?

[Clucks]

Look, darling!

She made us
an extra one.

[Clucks]

Douglas did
all the preliminary work

on the clarkson case,
didn't he?

Yes, Mr. felton, but--

Wilson, he can win
that case for us.

Yes, he can,
but, when he left,

he said he would
never come back

to this office.

Well, it will
only take him 3 weeks.

But he won't leave
that farm of his.

Mrs. brumley,
come in, please.

I think
i can persuade him.

Yes, Mr. felton?

Mrs. brumley,
do we have

a telephone number
for Mr. Douglas?

I believe we do.

Hooterville 297 ring 2.

That's the general store,
but they'll call him.

Get him, please.

You're wasting your time.

It's just a simple
telephone call.

[Rings]

Get that, will you, Joe?

[Rings]

Put that down.

[Rings]

Got mirrors in the
back of your head?

Hello.

Is this
hooterville 297 ring 2?

Yeah. Who's calling?

Judson Carter felton.

You don't sound like

no judson Carter
felton to me.

Just a moment, please.

Hello.

Who's this?

Judson Carter felton.

I just talked
to a girl,

said she was judson
Carter felton.

That was my secretary.

Must be kinda
confusin',

both of you having
the same name.

Look. I wonder if I could
speak to Mr. Oliver Douglas.

What about?

This is personal.
I'm calling from New York.

How's the weather
back there?

Why--well, it--it's fine.

Hey, the weather's
fine in New York.

New York!

Who you talking to?

Hello? This is
Sam drucker.

My name's felton.

Put that down!

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. felton.

I want to speak
to Mr. Oliver Douglas.

Is that call really
from New York?

Yes.

Let me say
something.

Go away!

Oh, please, Sam.

I never talked to
nobody in New York.

Mr. felton,
Floyd's never talked

to anybody in New York.

Is it all right
if he says hello?

Oh, all right.

Hello, New York.
This is Floyd smoot!

Smoot?

No, this is Sam drucker.

Who'd you want to talk
to, Mr. felton?

Felton? Doggone,
i haven't heard

from him in years.

How are you, gomer?

Gomer?

This is judson felton.

Are you any kin
to gomer?

No.

Where do you live?

In New York.

Oh, well, he lives
in Kansas City.

You got
the wrong number.

Oh!

Mrs. brumley,
will you get me

that number
back again?

[Tapping]

The soil should be limed

whenever there is
a noticeable drop

in the ph of the soil.

Ph what?

Uh...Just ph.

The soil got
a drop in the fa?

Fa?

No. Ph.
It's an abbrevia--

[pops]

Morning.

Oh, good morning, Mr. haney.

How do you
pronounce ph?

Fa.

I told you.

Mr. haney--

oh, you're going
to do some liming?

Yes.

I suppose you know
you'll need a lime spreader.

I know.

Have you got one?

No. And I'm
not going to buy

that one
you've got

out there in the
truck, either.

Oh, I ain't got
anything on the truck.

Oh?

You wanna buy a truck?

No. I don't want
to buy a truck!

Oliver. Oliver.

Mr. haney, would you like
to have some breakfast?

Well, that's mighty
thoughty of you.

We're having eggs
this morning.

Eggs from little Alice.

I told you when I sold
that hen to you,

that she was a layer.

Ha!

I left her a note
to make us 3 eggs,

and she made us 4.

Well, she probably just don't
recognize your handwriting yet.

You gotta make the numbers
real big, so they--

oh, come on now!

A note-reading hen!

Well, they've got
a horse on TV that talks.

He doesn't talk!

Well, he sure sounds
like he does.

Uh, there will be a 10-cent
charge for checking.

Now, do you want
the 35-cent special?

Or would you like
the 45-cent blue plate?

Oliver!

Well, he's always
charging me for everything.

Fair is fair.

I'll take the 45-cent
blue plate

and you owe me
10 cents.

What?

Well, I come out here
to deliver

a 55-cent message
to you,

so, deducting
the blue plate,

you owe me a dime.

What's the message?

I'll tell you
when I get

my dime
and my breakfast.

Darling, are these done?

Why didn't' you take
them out of the shells?

Well, I didn't want
to hurt Alice's feelings.

She went through
so much trouble to put them in.

I believe
I'll just take

the 55 cents
in cold cash.

There you are.

Now, the message is,
uh--

give me my change first.

don't you want to
hear the message?

After I get my change.

Now, the message
is--

you're 10 cents short.

I deducted
excise tax.

It's
a telephone message.

From a Mr. felton.

Oliver: Judson Carter felton?

Well,
it wasn't gomer.

What was the message?

Uh, he wants you
to call him

at his office
in New York.

It's urgent.

Could you get
New York for me?

Plaza 36098.

I want to talk
to Mr. felton.

What line's he in?

He's an attorney.

I used to be
associated with him.

Ever win many cases?

Yes. We--

um, Mrs. brumley--

who's she?

Mr. felton's secretary.

You mean
judson Carter felton

fired judson
Carter felton?

What?

Oh!

This is Oliver Douglas.

Oh, yes. Mr. felton's
most anxious to talk to you.

Mr. felton!
It's Mr. Douglas.

Hello.

Hello, Oliver.

How are you?

Oh, I'm just fine.

Good. I'm glad.

Woman, on phone:
Hello. Hello. Hello.

Who's this?

Doris ziffel. Who's this?

My name's felton.

Gomer?

No. Not gomer.

Look, I'm talking
from New York.

New York?
How's the weather there?

It's fine.

Look, I want to talk

to
Mr. Oliver Douglas.

Try Sam's store.

Uh, this--i--I'm
in Sam's store now.

Hello. Who's this?

Oliver Douglas.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, there's a
call for you at Sam's store.

You better get over there.

That's where I am now.

Hello, Oliver?

No, this is Doris ziffel.

Madam, will you
please hang up?

Oh, all right.

Hello?

Hello. Hello!

I--ooh,
the miserable!

I was cut off!

Shall I try
to get him back?

No.

No, Mrs. brumley.

Just get me a ticket
on whatever it is

that runs to
hooterville.

It'll be easier
talking to him

in person than
trying to get him

on that phone.

Lisa!

Why does this thing...

Lisa!
Yes, darling.

I'm so glad.

You made
a good choice.

What are you
talking about?

Telling Mr. felton
you're going back

to the law practice.

I didn't even talk
to Mr. felton.

Oh. I'll go unpack.

Maybe he'll call back.

I won't unpack.

This is ridiculous.

We've got to get
a telephone, and--

Mr. Douglas,
your lime came,

and Mr. kimball's
waiting for you

at the barn.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Haven't you
forgotten something?

Thank you.

But all I wanted
was the doorknob.

Ah, good morning,
Mr. kimball.

Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas.

What do we have here?

Lime.

Couldn't get
raspberry, huh?

[Laughing]

That was
a little joke.

Well, it wasn't
a joke.

It was nothing.

But the chief
made it up

and if we don't
laugh, we get fired.

Well, not fired.

He just suspends us
without pay...

Forever.

Uh, Mr. kimball,
I'm planning on using

about a ton to the acre.

Now, do you think
that's enough?

Enough what?

Enough lime.

Oh! That depends
upon the soil's fa.

That means ph.

I know.

You do?

My wife told me.

Did she
study chemistry?

Uh, I don't think so.

Hmm.

I wonder where
she heard about fa.

That's sort of a
trade expression.

Mr. kimball,
about the lime,

how much per acre
would you use

if this were your farm?

If this were
my farm?

Oh, boy.

[Clears throat]

Well, to be
on the safe side,

I ought to give it a
quick acidity test.

I have all my, uh...

No. I don't have it.

I must have
left it at, uh...

No. I wasn't there today.

Maybe I left it--

no. I left my lunch there.

May I use your phone?

It's not connected.

That darn hooterville
phone company

put the phone
in the kitchen

and then never
put the wires in.

Every time I get a call
from New York,

I've got to run
over to drucker's.

Well, you can come over to my
house and use mine any time.

Look, Mr. kimball,
you're the county agent.

You know everybody here.

Now, do you have
any pull

with the phone company?

Pull?

Well, I know Sarah.

The lady that owns
the phone company.

Ah?

Oh, yes.

We've known each other
since I was that high.

Well, I was a little sma--
i was, uh.

She's my mother.

Your mother!

Do you think you could
talk to her for me?

Talk to her?

Oh, we're not talking.

We had a little argument.

Well, it wasn't
a little argument,

it was a big fight.

I ran away from home.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Gee, i-i wonder
if mom misses me.

I've been gone a week.

Mr. kimball, I have
a mother, too.

Now, we don't always
see eye to eye--

yeah. I know
what you mean.

No. I don't know
what you mean.

What do you mean?

Look. We really need
a telephone.

I'd appreciate it
if you would--

I'll think about it.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

It's been nice talking to you
today, Mr. Douglas.

Well, not very nice.

You brought up
a lot of unhappy memories.

But you did
make me realize

that a boy's best friend
is his mother.

No. Not his best friend.

His best friend's a dog!

That's what
the argument was about.

She wouldn't let me
have one.

Well, I'll s--

bye, Mr. Douglas.

[Crows]

Lisa.

Get up.
It's after 5:30.

We overslept.

5:30!

Oh, what a day!

Look
at that beautiful--

who put this telephone pole
in front of the window?

What pole?

Oh, morning,

Mr. Douglas,
Mrs. Douglas.

What is a telephone pole
doing here?

Oh, this is
a present from Sarah.

With thanks for all
you've done for her.

What did you
ever do for Sarah?

Mrs. Douglas,
your husband

cooked up this
wonderful story

about needing
a telephone

just to get Mr. kimball

to go in to talk
to his mother.

He brought
a mother and son

closer together again.

I didn't.

Mr. Douglas, you deserve
a telephone pole.

Why put it here?

Well, this was as far as
the wires would reach.

I don't want--

oh, darling.
It's better than nothing.

It's not better
than--I'd--

well, hello?
Where are you?

Man:
I'm up here.

Sarah? Testing.
1-2-3-4.

4-3-2-1.

How am I coming
through? Ok?

Sarah says thanks again
for everything, Mr. Douglas.

Darling, darling,
you shouldn't do this.

One day you are going
to hurt yourself.

How did you get out?

Through the front door.
See?

Look, I don't want

this telephone pole
here.

Oh, this is only temporary.

We're going to move it.

When?

Oh, in a couple of months.

Ever see a watch like that?
Calendar watch.

When are you going
to hook it up

with the telephone
in the kitchen?

Soon as we get
some more wire.

We've got plenty
of wire!

Oh, come on. Please!

You can't use
just any kind of wire.

You've got to use
08 double strand interwoven

coaxial weather resistant.

And when are we
going to get that?

Well, just as soon as the
5-and-dime opens in pixley.

See ya.

[Telephone ringing]

Oh, darling,
our first telephone call!

[Rings]

Be careful.

[Rings]

Hello.

Who?

You've got
the wrong number.

[Generator puttering]

[Brakes squealing]

Well, here we are.

Doesn't this thing
have any Springs?

No. It's all
air cushioned.

I never had such
a shaking up in my life.

Yeah. It's good
for the circulation.

I'm glad you enjoyed it,
Mr. felton.

That'll be 75 cents.

75 cents?

Yeah. If you'da
been gomer,

it would only
cost you 50.

Oh, all right.

There you are.

Thanks.
I like a man that tips.

Mr. felton!

Oh. Hello, Oliver.

I-i was waiting for you
to call me back.

Well, I thought
it would be easier

to talk to you
in person.

Now I'm not so sure.

What's so important
that you'd come

all the way out here
to talk to me?

Oliver,
the clarkson case

has finally come up
for trial.

Now, you did all the
preliminary work on it,

and we want you
to come back to New York

for a month or so
and more.

No. I couldn't--
the--the liming season is on.

The what season?

Uh, that's when you prepare
the ground for planting.

No. I couldn't go back
to New York now.

But, Oliver,
we need your help.

I tell you what.
I'll fill you in

on the direction I was going
to go on the case.

Come on in the house.

You mean,
that's what you gave

a park Avenue penthouse
up for?

We're going to work
on it, you know.

Come on in.

Lisa will be glad to--oh.

I fixed that.

Oh, really?

Yeah. You learn to do
a lot of things

when you're out here,
you know.

Lisa, open the door.

It always comes off.

What's the matter,
darling?

Oh, Mr. felton!

Lisa, you are more
beautiful than ever.

Thank you.

Come in.
Come in, won't you?

Thank you.

Here we are.

Homey, isn't it?

Uh, is this the furniture
that you had in your penthouse?

Yes. This is it.

Just fits.

Yeah.

Um, Oliver, if we could spend
a couple of hours

discussing
the clarkson case--

oh, have you had breakfast?

Why, no. No, I haven't.

I'll cook you some.

You cook?

Um-hmm. 2 things.
Fried eggs and hotcakes.

Except fried eggs.

But with toast.

Oh, tha--really,
i think--

come on. Come on.

We can discuss it
while we're eating.

Lisa's
turned out to be

quite a cook,
hasn't she?

Oliver,
about the clarkson case.

I'll go plug in.

You know,

the preliminary depositions
that you made...

[Puttering]

[Explosion]

What happened?

The generator
blew out.

What have you got
plugged in?

I've got a 2, a 2,
and a 4.

Well, that adds
up to 8.

You know it will
only take a 7.

7 what?

Well, um, you see, the
generator only likes a 7.

That means if you have
a 6 plugged in,

you can only plug in a one,
which is a can opener.

But if you pull out the 6,

you can, plug in the can
opener, the toaster,

the electric frying pan,
the coffee pot,

or you can use
the dishwasher,

but only
with the can opener,

or you can use
the washing machine,

but not the refrigerator,

but you can use
the can opener.

I see.

Uh, Oliver,
about the depositions--

I've got to fix
the generator.

Come on along. We can
talk while I work.

If we can show
where the fiduciary in--

aha! It's empty.

[Laughs]

Will you get me
some gas?

Where?

Out of my car.

I'll adjust this.

Caught ya!
Pfft!

Mr. Douglas,
i caught a feller

swiping gas
from your car.

Eb, this is
Mr. felton.

Oh. How are you,
Mr. felton?

[Coughing]

If I were you, I wouldn't
smoke for a while.

I'm sorry,
Mr. felton.

[Sighs]
Now, look, Oliver.

About that clarkson case--

l-look, I just
remembered,

I've got
some notes I made

on the case
right here.

Oh? Could we
look at them?

They're
in my bedroom.

You gotta suck it in
a little bit there.

I know it's in my briefcase.
Right along in here.

Ah, here we are.

Yeah.

[Telephone rings]

Oh. Telephone.
Excuse me.

[Rings]

[Rings]

[Rings]

Hello?

Oh, Mrs. brumley.

Yeah. They installed
it this morning.

What? Oh.

Just a minute.

Uh, Mr. felton.

Mr. Wilson wants
to talk to you.

He's on his way.

Hello.

Hello, Wilson.

No. He won't
come back.

But, look. He's got
a brief outline that--

wait a minute.

Uh, Oliver, would you
get the outline

and read it to Wilson?

Sure.

Uh.

You'll have to excuse me,
I'll have to get...

Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah.

I'll be right back.

All right. I'll tell him.

Wilson's waiting for you.

I found it!

[Thump]

Mr. felton, what happened?

We got disconnected.

You know, that Mr. felton
is a perfect example

of why I left
that rat race in New York.

Did you--did you see him?

He was a bundle of nerves

from the minute he got here
until the time he left.

You think he's really
going to sue you?

Oh, no.
He was just blustering.

You know,
i used to be like that.

Tense and nervous and upset
by the least little thing.

And now look.
6 weeks in the country.

I'm relaxed. Calm.

[Telephone rings]

Who's calling us
this time of night?

Darling, relax!
[Rings]

[Rings]

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