Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 1 - Oliver Buys a Farm - full transcript

Oliver Douglas quits his job as a lawyer & moves from Park Avenue to Hooterville. He wants to get away from the rat race of the city. His beautiful wife Lisa doesn't exactly love the idea.

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Man: This is an apartment house

located on fashionable
park Avenue in New York City.

This is Oliver Wendell Douglas,

the gentleman
who lives in penthouse "b."

Every day at this time,

when Mr. Douglas comes home



from the hustle and bustle
of his law practice,

and after fighting
the rush-hour traffic...

He enjoys walking out
on his terrace

and looking at his magnificent
view of the city

and saying...
I hate it.

Good evening.
I'm John daly.

There are many people
who would disagree

with Oliver Wendell Douglas'
feelings about New York City.

Among them, Mrs. Douglas.

I certainly do.

I love New York.

To me,
it has everything.

It certainly has.

Crowded streets,
polluted air,

unfriendly people.

New York is nothing
but a rat race,

and the rats
are winning.

Lisa,
one of these days,

I'm gonna buy a farm
and get away from all this.

Now, of course,
you will, darling.

I mean it!
I know you do.

You've been saying it
ever since we married.

Mm-hmm,
and I'm going to--

and soon.
Oliver, how soon?

Well...

Oliver,
how soon?

Yesterday!

Aah!

In 1930, there were more
than 32 million people

living on farms.

In the 35 years
that followed,

more than 20 million people
sold their farms

and moved to the city.

To the best of my knowledge,
in this same period of time,

only one man got rid
of his park Avenue penthouse

and bought a farm.

Oliver's beautiful
and sophisticated wife

reacted to the news
of his purchase

with typical
wifely tolerance.

[Explosion]

Oliver Wendell Douglas'
love of farming started here,

in this comfortable
little farmhouse

in upstate New York
near saratoga Springs,

where Oliver was born.

Oliver was a happy baby.

He didn't catch cold easily.

These are some
of the photographs

his father took
while Oliver was growing up.

By the time his father
learned to use the camera,

Oliver was 14.

This is young Oliver
on his 14th birthday.

Father and son sat down

to have a talk
about the boy's future.

Well, now, son,

have you given
any thought

to your future?

Yes, sir.
I'd like to be--

a lawyer.

No, sir. I'm going
to be a farmer.

A farmer?!

Oh, now,
look here, my boy.

Your mother and i
decided that you were

going to be a lawyer

from the day
you were born.

don't you think i
should have been consulted?

What does a day-old kid
know about anything?

Why, we even named
you Oliver Wendell

after the associate justice
of our supreme court,

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

I could change my name.

You'd better change
your mind.

You're going to Harvard,

and you're going
to study law!

No, sir.

I'm going to be a farmer!

There is one thing
you can say about me

that you can't say
about your mother.

I am not pig-headed.

Now, why do you want
to become a farmer?!

The boy went on to explain

all his reasons for wanting
to become a farmer,

and why he didn't want
to go to Harvard.

Oliver's father
listened patiently.

He was a reasonable man.

This picture of Oliver

was taken on the day
he graduated

from the Harvard
school of law.

Oliver started his career

with the very distinguished
law firm

of felton, O'Connell, Clay,

Blakely, harmon,
Dillon, and pastor.

He applied himself diligently
to his work,

but he never lost his desire
to be a farmer.

His days were filled
with briefs,

complaints, answers,

demurers,
and writs of replevy.

[Whistle blows]

And his lunch hour

was crowded with
inter-seeding legumes in corn,

zinc deficiency
of field and vegetable crops,

how to control sickle
coccitiosis of chickens.

Douglas.

Yes, Mr. felton?

What is that?

Uh, a bulletin

from the department
of agriculture, sir.

Department
of agriculture?

This is a law office.

Yes, sir.

Where are the papers
on the cantor affair?

Uh, right here, sir.
They--

wait a minute.
Wait. What--

what's in that drawer?

Uh, papers, sir.

This one!

What are those?

Mushrooms, sir.

The next office Oliver
was associated with was...

After reporting regularly
for 8 weeks,

Oliver received a letter

offering him immediate
and permanent employment.

After carefully assessing

his educational background
in law,

the army gave him
a commission

as a lieutenant
in the air force.

Even in the midst of war,

Oliver never lost
his interest in farming.

I'm flying over
a field of lettuce.

Looks like
butter lettuce.

No. Oh, no,
that's iceberg.

Hey, there's
a corn field.

Oh, that doesn't
look too good.

Soil's probably
suffering

from a nitrogen
deficiency.

Maybe
it's corn borers.

Radio: Red leader,
red leader,

never mind
the agricultural report.

Have you sighted
the target?

The target?

The gun emplacement.

Oh, yes, I see it
right dead ahead.

Bomb it.

But, sir, it's right
in the middle

of a field of tomatoes.

Bomb it!

They're just ready
to be harvested!

Bomb it,
and that's an order.

Roger.

[Bombs whistling]

[Explosion]

Red leader.
Red leader, report.

Direct hit.

Ketchup
all over everything.

After the war,

Oliver returned
to the United States

and became
a successful lawyer.

And romance entered
his life.

Oliver now had 2 loves:

Lisa...

And the one he'd never
forgotten, farming.

When they returned
from their honeymoon,

Lisa and Oliver set up
housekeeping

in this apartment house
on east 62nd street.

They lived here for a year,

and then moved
to east 54th street.

From there, they moved
to east 37th street.

5th Avenue,

east 62nd,

Sutton place,

Madison Avenue,

central park south,

park Avenue.

Lisa was happy
in each one of them,

but Oliver
insisted on moving.

His reasons were...

Oliver: Too noisy.
Too crowded.

No sunshine.
No privacy.

No fresh air.
Too expensive.

Too snooty.
Too far downtown.

Too far uptown.

Oliver, what's
the matter with you?

The same thing that's always
the matter with me.

I drive home
through that traffic,

the crowds,
the foul air,

and I say to myself,

"this is a ridiculous
way to live."

Oh, Lisa,
let's buy a farm.

Oliver...

Why do you have such a thing
about moving to a farm?

Why do you have such a thing
about not moving to a farm?

My thing makes more sense
than your thing.

I don't agree with you.

Darling, darling...

You have everything
a man could possibly want.

A beautiful home.
A wife who loves you.

A successful
law practice.

Yet you'd throw it all
away to move to a farm.

You're darn right
i would.

Why?
Because a farm

would give me a feeling
of accomplishing something.

I'd take a little seed,
a tiny little seed,

I'd plant it in the ground.
I'd put some dirt on it.

I'd water it.
And pretty soon,

do you know
what I'd have?

A dirty little
wet seed.

You'll never understand
the way I feel,

because you were not born
on a farm like I was.

But that was
a long time ago.

Besides, you grew up
in the city.

My roots are in the soil.

So that's what
you want to do--

soil your roots.

Come with me.

I want to show you
something.

I was going to order some
beautiful garden furnitures,

but I think
it's more important

that you do
a little farming.

Farming?

Get yourself some pots
and putter.

Dirty up
your little seeds.

Have a ball.

It's all yours.

Oh, farming is more than
puttering in a few pots.

But, darling, this way
you can start out small

and find out
if you really

can grow anything.

don't you worry about
me growing anything.

Lisa: Darling?

Oh, darling,
you better get dressed.

We are due
at the coopers' at 6:00.

I can't go.
Why not?

This is planting season.

I've gotta get these seeds in
while the weather's right.

Oh, darling, you can
plant flowers anytime.

Flowers?

I'm planting a money crop.

Corn, tomatoes,
carrots.

How long do you think
it will take?

You know the coopers.

I don't know how long.

You can't just
scatter seeds around.

You gotta do it
scientifically.

The corn has to be planted
exactly 30 inches apart.

You got a sick pot?

I'm taking
the soil's temperature.

The department
of agriculture

says that corn grows best
when the soil is warm.

How am I gonna tell whether
the soil is warm or not

if I don't take
it's temperature?

Oh.

Darling,
what about the coopers?

Tell them
we're not coming.

But they'll
want to know why.

Tell them the truth.

Tell them
I'm planting corn.

I'd rather tell them
a lie they'd believe.

Oliver and Lisa
didn't go out very much

for the next few months.

All his spare time
was devoted to farming.

He cultivated, weeded,
fertilized.

He did everything

recommended by
the department of agriculture,

and a few things
not recommended by them.

What is that?

It's a sun lamp.

I bought it today.

Corn's not getting
enough sun.

Can't get through
the smog.

Looks fine to me.

Ohh.

Look at those carrots.

Ohh.

don't worry, darling.

It'll be all right.

It'll grow.

I have all
the confidence in you.

Why, I bet

there won't be another
man on park Avenue

who has as big a crop
as yours.

I won't be back
for weeks,

so you've got to water
the corn everyday.

Do you have
your toothbrush?

The toothbrush?

I don't--yes,
I've got the toothbrush.

Now, the carrots
have to be thinned out.

What about
handkerchiefs?

Uh, um,
handkerchiefs.

Let me look.
Uh, yes, handkerchiefs.

I've got handkerchiefs.
Uh, about the tomatoes--

shirts?
Uh...

Yes, I've got shirts.

There's a window box
on the uptown side

of the terrace--

don't worry, darling.

I'll look after the farm
for you.

Thank you.

Have a good trip
to Chicago,

and good luck
with your case.

Thank you.
There, darling.

I'll call you. Bye.

Haven't you forgotten
something?

My farm gazette.

I wanted to finish
reading it on the plane.

There's an ad in here
about a farm

in a place
called hooterville.

A steal. 160 acres.

Darling, you only have
25 minutes to make your plane.

Oliver!

You'll be gone for a week.

Hootersville?

[Oink]

Oh, I see it,
Arnold.

Hey, fellas!

Quiet, Joe.

Arnold's
concentrating.

I got some big news
about the town.

Yeah?
You leavin'?

No.

Then it can't
be very big.

This is big news.

Somebody bought
the haney place.

Men: The haney place?
Yeah.

[Squeals]

Sure wish I coulda
latched onto him first.

I'd have sold him
a few acres

of that bottom land
of mine.

What bottom land?

That stuff I got down
on the Simpson swamp.

Oh, nobody
in his right mind

would buy
any of that stuff.

This fella bought old man
haney's place, didn't he?

You know
who he is, Joe?

No, but I sure would
like to meet him.

Uh, good afternoon,
gentlemen.

Afternoon.
Afternoon.

[Oinking]

Good after--

uh, I'm looking
for Mr. drucker.

Oh, that's me.

Oh, my name is Douglas.
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Pleased to meet you.

Douglas Oliver
Wendell Douglas?

You got enough names
for 2 fellas.

No, there's no Douglas
at the front of it.

It's just plain
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Well, that ain't
very plain.

I'm Joe Carson, manager
of the shady rest hotel.

You lookin' for a place
to stay?

No, no. I--

I'm Floyd smoot,

and that there
is Fred ziffel.

I'm glad to meet you.
You, too, Mr. ziffel.

Yes, sir. Howdy.

And this is Arnold.

Arnold say hello
to Mr...Uh...

Douglas.
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Thought you said there wasn't
any Douglas in front of it?

There isn't.

I wonder if you could
help me, Mr. drucker.

I'll be right with you.

I don't wanna
miss my train.

I understand it leaves
for pixley at 3:10.

You got an hour
and 20 minutes.

It's 3:05 now.

Yeah, if you wanted
to leave at 3:10,

you shoulda taken
the 1:20.

Well, I'm supposed
to make a bus connection.

I've got to get back
to New York.

Is there any other way
i can get to pixley?

You could fly.

I could?

If you had a plane.

I don't have
a plane.

Then I wouldn't
figure on flying.

You can drive to pixley
if you want.

I haven't got a car.

Wanna rent one?

Yes. Where?

Pixley.

No, I'm going
to pixley.

Well, you couldn't
drive there anyway.

The road was washed out
by a flash flood.

Yeah, sure was
a lollapalooza

of a rain.

When was that?

1928.

If I was you,

I'd figure
on taking the train.

Meanwhile, if you're in
a hurry for something,

help yourself.

I've got something
i want notarized.

They tell me
you're a notary public.

I am when I can
find my seal.

Doggone kids
keep borrowin' it

to crack walnuts.
Got the jaws all sprung.

Mr. drucker, I'd appreciate
it if you'd look for it.

This is a very
important document.

This is the deed
to the haney place.

Men: The haney place?

[Squeals]

That's right.

Mr. Douglas, if you
wanna buy some land

for speculation,
i got some bottom--

oh, no, no.

I didn't buy this
for speculation.

I'm gonna live there
and farm it.

Men: The haney place?

My wife and I are gonna
be your neighbors.

Has your wife
seen it?

No.
Have you seen it?

Oh, yes.

And you bought it?

Mm-hmm.
That's right.

What business
you in?

I'm an attorney.

Maybe you can sue haney
and get your money back.

Gentlemen, this has been
the dream of my life--

to buy a farm,
move away from the city.

Plow my own fields,
plant my own soil.

To get my hands dirty!

Sweat and strain
to make things grow!

To join hands with you,
the farmers...

The backbone
of our economy.

Sam, Mr. Douglas
oughta have

that bottom land
of mine.

Well, Mr. Douglas,

all I can tell you

is we'll be mighty happy
to have you and your wife

livin' here in the valley.

[Oinks]

Aah!

"Mr. Douglas,"
he said,

"all I can tell you

"is that we'll be
mighty happy

"to have you
and your wife

living with us
in the valley."

Now, that's
real neighborly.

When we moved here,

any of
the neighbors come

and welcome us
to the valley?

[Wailing]

There's nothing
to cry about.

The only one I ever met
was that fella from downstairs

who came up to complain
about the water from my hose

leaking through his ceiling.

[Wailing]

I don't know what
you're crying about.

Oh, it's a beautiful farm.

When I told the fellas
at the general store

that I had bought it,

all they could say was,
"the haney place?"

Like they couldn't
believe

that I'd gotten him
to sell it to me.

But you did.

Money talks.

How loud
did it talk?

Hmm...

You only gave him
a deposit?

No, no. I gave him a check
for the full amount.

Oh! Ohh!

I didn't want
to lose it.

Couple of other people
were after it.

Oh, really?
Did you see them?

Oh, no. Mr. haney wouldn't
give me their names.

He knew I'd talk to them,
get the price down.

Ah, but you got it up.

It's a fair price!

Oliver, stop payment
on the check.

No, I can't do that.

Oh, yes, you can.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Besides,
it's a certified check.

Ohh.

[Wailing]

Oliver Douglas!

Oh, mother!

I just couldn't
believe it.

What have you done
to this child?

Mother...

Oh, there, there,
darling.

Mother's here now.

Ohh.

Phew.

Oliver, is it true?

Is what true?

What Lisa told me
on the telephone.

That you've bought
a farm.

Yes!
Ohh.

Go pack your things.

You're moving in
with me.

I told you
not to marry him.

I warned you.

Look, whose side
are you on, anyway?

Hers.

But you're my mother!

Let's not shout it
around, shall we?

Ohh, Oliver,

why did you
have to do this?

Couldn't you have been
happy out there

farming the south 40?

I want a real farm,

like the one
i was born on.

If anyone's to blame,
you are.

If anyone's to blame,
it's your father.

If he hadn't insisted
on staying

for that last race
at saratoga,

we would've made it
to the hospital.

It doesn't matter
why I was born there.

The fact is, I was.

My roots are in the soil!

But you were
only there 2 days.

Mmm. Well...

You don't forget
a thing like that.

Mother,

why don't you let
Oliver and me

try to work
this out?

Oh, all right,
darling.

But as I said,

if you want to
move in with me,

just pack a bag and
come right on over.

don't even
bother packing.

We'll buy a whole
new wardrobe

and charge it
to him!

For crying out loud,

I don't see why everybody
is carrying on so.

You knew I wanted a farm.

You must've known
one day I'd buy one.

I never really thought
you would.

Well, maybe not so soon,

but that ad
in the farm gazette

was so enticing.
And I figured,

well, as long
as I'm in Chicago,

I ought to run over
to hooterville

and have a look at it.
And...

Hootersville
close to Chicago?

Yeah, kind of.

You just have
to change planes twice,

and then you take the bus
from the county seat

over to pixley,
and from pixley,

you take this little train,
and there you are.

There you are--

without me.

Lisa...

I know you'll love it.

It's got a farmhouse

and a barn and trees

and land that's just
made for growing things.

Why don't you fill up
a few pots

and bring them back?

Lisa...

You know how much this
means to me, don't you?

If I didn't,
I'd move in with mother.

Try it for me,
will you please?

For how long?

Just long enough to
see whether or not

you like it.
Hmm. 5 years.

Write me
once in a while.

2?

Doesn't have to be
a letter.

A postcard.

Just so that I know
you're all right.

You tell me how long.

One month.

One month is not enough
to find out!

2.
9.

4.
6.

Well...
Please?

All right. 6 months.

Darling...Thank you.

Daly:
It was a beautiful day

when Lisa and Oliver drove
into the hooterville valley.

There's where you'll
do your shopping.

Let's go back.

Now, Lisa,
you promised.

Daly: And he showed her

hooterville's
other big attraction.

What was that?

That's the hooterville
cannonball.

Runs all through
the valley here.

It's about the only way
you can get anywhere.

I've got a great idea.

What?

Let's go back.

Isn't this
beautiful country?

That's newt Kiley's
place over there.

He farms 80 acres.

And that's Ben Miller's
up there.

Grows apples.

[Sniffs]

Mmm. Smell that air.

[Sniffs]

Very nice.

No, no.
Take a deep breath.

[Snorts]

Mmm.

You never smelled air
like that in the city.

No, I didn't.
What is that?

[Sniffs]

Oh!

That's Fred ziffel's.
He runs a pig farm.

He should run it
in another direction.

You'll get used to it.

Never.

Wait till you see
our farmhouse.

Oliver, why are we
stopping here?

Is there something wrong
with the car?

Nope.

You're going to ask
for directions?

No.

You mean that--

welcome home.

Green acres...

That's what
I'm gonna call it.

[Whimpers]

And that's how
Oliver Wendell Douglas

bought a farm.

This is John daly
in New York.

Thank goodness.

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