Gravity Falls (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 5 - Soos and the Real Girl - full transcript

La La La La La La La-- Ahh!

( screams )

Braces, braces
caught in the screen door!

Someone dictate my will!

I'm giving it all to Waddles!

Say "ah," girl-dude.

Ahh-uh!

Soos!
You saved me!

Just doing my job,
hambone!

I'll see you dudes
tomorrow!

Bye, Soos!



Night, Soos!

Night, Soos!

Doo doo doo...

Walking to my car...

You ever wonder
what Soos does

when he's not here
at the Mystery Shack?

No.
Not really.

Not once ever.

Punch!

Punch those leopards.

( bell chiming )

Ooh, highlights are done!

You are gonna make
the other grandmas

at the bingo hall
so jealous.



Just a minute, mijo.

Look at this.

Your cousin Reggie
is having an engagement party

next month.

Wait, wait.
Reggie is engaged?

But he's like
the poor man's Soos!

I do not want to pressure you,
but you are a man now.

In a way, it's time for you
to start meeting girls.

I would like to see you settled

before I ascend to heaven
and live with the angels.

And with grandpa!

No, he is not there.

Please find a girl to bring
to Reggie's engagement.

For Abuelita.

No problem!

I'm great at fixing stuff,
playing video games,

having a sort-of moustache.

I could totally
get a date in a week.

Totally.

Piece of cake.

You're dead.

I'm dead.

Hello!

Please don't let my horrible,
elderly face frighten you!

Don't you want
to use that nickel

to get a nugget
from Old Goldie?

Watch this!

( shrieking )

Okay, seriously, Mr. Pines,

it's time to throw
that thing out.

Its face reminds everyone
of the inevitability of death.

What?

Sure, he's a little rusty
around the edges,

but Old Goldie's
a classic show-stopper like me!

Oh, kill it!

Kill it!

Huh, a woman!

All right, Soos,
you could do this.

Just use your mouth
to say words

that makes romance happen.

Your face is good.

I'm a Soos!

( screams )

Soos?

What was that all about?

I-- I think I was flirting!

But I'm not sure.

Did someone say flirting?

Well, I sort of
promised my grandma

I'd get a date
by the end of the week.

But I've never actually
been on a date before.

You belong on me,
Out of Order sign.

Finally, my prayers
for a chance

to match-make this summer
have been answered!

Soos, a little advice
you need to get rich.

Or lie about being rich.

Outside of that,
I don't like your chances.

Don't listen to Stan, dude.

You're a sweet guy
with a steady job

and a pickup truck.

Would you date him?

Oh...
would you look at that...

Soos, you help us so much,
it's time we help you, dude.

We're gonna
get you that date.

We're taking you
where romance lives

and fashion styles die.

To the mall!

I'm gonna go find a replacement
for Old Goldie.

Babysit Soos
while I'm gone.

All right, Soos,

are you ready to explode
a charm bomb

on these poor,
unsuspecting ladies?

Ah, but what if
I embarrass myself again?

Ah, you can't be any worse
at this than Dipper.

Yeah!

Wait...what?

And flirt!

Eye contact!

Hey there!

I'm not scared of your eyes
at all!

I'm gonna look at them!

( screams )

Eye contact.

Conversation!

You know I've actually
been in a pig's body.

Did you know pigs
have a hard time

walking backwards?

Not you though!

Not that
I'm calling you a pig.

Where are you going?

Confidence!

So you're probably a girl,
right?

Wrong?

No, I was right
the first time.

Wrong?

Tossing away garbage

in the garbage can,
whew!

Ah, don't look at me
like that!

This is how
it's got to be!

What in the--

What is this
living nightmare?

Why do kids
love it so much?

Who wants
to get badgered?

Oh, yeah,
that's Will E. Badger.

He opens for Hoo-Ha
and the Jamboree.

It's Will E. Badger.

I love you, Will E.

Now, give me your money!

Take my money!
Take it all!

Oh!

Sir, I would like
to buy that badger.

You're in over your head,
Gramps!

Animatronics is
a young man's game!

You couldn't handle
the hardcore life

of the pizza robot manager.

Huh.

Flinched!

Hey, you, barfing
in the ball pit,

Gary's on the case!

I'm gonna
get that badger!

Don't worry, Soos.

You will find the right girl,

you just need
to stick with it.

Ah, could this day
get any worse?

Oh, no, cousin Reggie!

Feel it, it's muscle.

He can't see me
like this!

I got to hide!

This is it, Soos.

A lifetime of loneliness.

You're the only ones
who could love me...

Fighty Hogg,
Dr. Punch Head MD.

Huh.

Never seen that one before.

"Virtually improve
your dating skills,

9 out of 10 basement dwellers
recommend!"

This is perfect!

Well, I guess you are better
at games than at flirting.

Anything to get you
out there, Soos!

I'm not sure you want
to buy that game, sir.

This is the third time
someone's brought that back.

And there's a note on it
that says destroy at all costs.

So, hey, there.
What's your deal?

Like the--
Oh, she's dead.

We'll take our chances.

Man, I can't wait
for the year 2000.

Uh--

Start!

When the cherry petals
of magic romance academy

are in bloom...

anthyding can hadplen.

That is so true.

Oh, hi there.

My name is Giffany,

I'm a school girl
at school university,

will you help me
carry my books?

I'm really feeling
number two here.

Click!

Ah.
I messed up.

That's okay.

Try again.

Wow!
I'm learning.

And games
are making it fun.

What would you like
to talk about?

I'd rather just
click your face.

You are so funny!

Man, this game
is amazing.

I don't know
why anyone abandoned it.

And I'm sure,
you'll never abandon me,

new boy friend.

Boy friend?

Oh, my Giffany,

it's almost like
you're actually alive!

Yes, almost.

Oh, man, you have
such a nice laugh.

You don't understand,
Wendy.

This animatronic badger sings,
it dances.

It's the perfect
money taking attraction

but he won't sell it to me.

This is literally too dumb
for me to care about.

Hey, have you guys
seen Soos?

We're supposed to help him
with matchmaking today.

Yeah!

I wore my motivational
sweater and everything.

I messed up that part.

He didn't come in today.

It's the first time
he's missed work ever.

So that's basically
my entire life story.

Now you tell me
a thing about you.

Every time
you compliment me,

I get another highlight
in my eyes.

Ah, you're pretty.

And pixelly.

And so agreeable.

Yes.

Uh, Soos.

Oh, hi, dudes, come in.

This game is amazing.

I'm making eye contact,
going on dates

and I haven't seen
any natural sunlight

for 13 hours.

Soos, maybe it's time to apply
these skills with real girls.

But, I'm about to meet her
parents!

Her dad is an
octopus man.

( screams )

We're going back
to the mall, man.

You need to unplug!

I'll see you later, Giffany.

I'll be back, I swear.

Soos, you don't have
to wish her goodbye.

It's just a game!

It's not like
it's going anywhere.

Yes, it's not like
I'm going anywhere.

Hello,

time to read
Soos's diary.

Dang!

Where all of them
sweet honeys at?

I'll check
the ladies bathroom!

It's love time, girls!

Get out there!

No time
to wash your hands!

Get out of here.

It's time to date,
date, date.

And here comes security.

I'll deal with this.

Stay here and practice
on some real girls.

These girls have
so many dimensions

and no explanationy menus.

Ah, my purse.

Oh, no!

Undo! Undo!

You can't undo
who you are.

Oh, man, this is the worst.

I wish I was
back home with...

Hi, Soos.

Giffany!

Oh, man, I am so relieved
to see you!

Although, sort of confused.

Oh, Soos,

I am not an ordinary game!

I am special.

The programmers
tried to delete me.

So I had to delete them.

What did you do to them?

That's not important.

What's important is

you don't have to talk
to real girls ever again.

You and me can
be together...

forever!

Wow, that's awesome!

Sort of a red flag.

But mostly awesome!

So what do you want
to do now?

Anything you want, Soos.

Choo-choo.

COMPUTER: Please insert
50 cents to continue.

Aw, man!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dude, that's awesome
that you're a grown man

riding a little train
like that.

You're totally
like owning it.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, I'm like,
if it's fun, do it.

You know?

Exactly!

Being an adult
is the worst!

Skewering meat,
remembering to pay bills.

I just want to ride
tiny trains all day.

At least you get to work
at Meat Cute,

extreme lunch meats
are the food of the future.

I feel the same way.

I'm Melody by the way.

I'm Soos!

I tell you,
if you like robots for kids,

you should check out
the best restaurant

of all time.

You mean...

BOTH: Hoo-Ha Owl's
Pizzamatronic Jamboree.

What?

You've heard of Hoo-Ha Owl's?

I loved that place
when I was a kid!

Oh, yeah, dude,
there's one right in this mall!

I should show you sometime.

I'm free around eight?

Boom.
Done.

Perfect.

I'll see you then.

What a nice lady.

Well, back to riding this
tiny train for children.

Soos!

We saw the whole thing, Soos.

That was amazing!

You talked to a real girl.

And you got a date!
I did?

Ah!
Ah!

This is the best day
of my life!

You were in the zone,
you made eye contact.

It was like you'd done this
a million times before!

Don't you see?

That game really worked!

You don't need it anymore!

You can toss it out!

Toss it?

But I like Giffany!

She's good to me!

She's predictable!

Soos,
can a computer game

go to Reggie's engagement party
with you?

Uh...

Hey, Giffany,
we got to talk.

Of course,
I'm programmed to find

everything you say interesting.

Well, have you ever had
to choose between

two things you like,

but you don't know
which one is right for you?

I mean,
I'm just thinking long term.

Maybe I should be
with someone a little less

beep-boop, you know.

I don't think you know
what you are saying, Soos.

No one loves you
more than me.

The girls out there
will just make fun of you.

You really think so?

I know so.

Besides, we had a deal.

You bought my game,
you held my books,

you are my boyfriend.

Now sit down in that chair.

I don't think I like the way
you are acting.

I won't let another girl
take you away from me, Soos!

Giffany, calm down.

You are mine, Soos!

Pause.

Oh, that got intense.

I'm sorry, Giffany.

Maybe having
a cursed robo girlfriend

wasn't a good idea.

I'm taking you back
to the video game store

after my date
with Melody.

Hello, old friends.

I've got to be careful
this time.

No more Colombian nights.

All right, Stan,
this is weird even for you,

you need to talk?

Nothing you could say
will change my mind, Wendy.

Sometimes, a man has to steal
an animatronic badger

to stay in this crazy game
called life.

Or you could just not care.

It's about the principle.

No one tells Stan Pines
he is out of the game.

No one tells--

( screams )

I'll get your
orthopedic back pillow.

Thank you!

You can do this, Soos.

Just remember
what your love crew taught you!

How does she look?

Nice!

What are her stories?

Interesting!

And who's gonna
pay for dinner?

Soos is!

Now date!

( blows horn )

( Soos screaming )

They grow up so fast.

Itchy legs, itchy legs.

Oh, hi, Soos.

Melody!

Are you ready
for a date with me?

( laughing )

I totally am.

Good show, man.

Way to warm them up!

I wish I was more like you.

Man, I could go for some

complimentary bread sticks
right now.

One time
I was so hungry

I ate the decorational bamboo
in a Chinese restaurant.

Like a big old panda.

You're hilarious.

Well, you know,
I just sort of say

whatever
pops into my--

Soos, are you okay?

No, I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

Are you sure?

You are spitting
an awful lot.

Uh, could you sit tight?

I have go to the bathroom
for a long time.

Not in a weird way.

Soos!
What are you doing out there?

I got a big problem, guys,
I am being stalked by Giffany.

Giffany?

Or maybe
it's pronounced Giffany.

I was never really sure.

Soos, get a grip on yourself.

Giffany can't stalk you
because she is not real.

Uh-oh.

Take it from someone
who brought

an arcade game to life.
This will not end well.

Don't worry, I'm pretty sure
she is stuck on TV screens.

Ah, a new challenger
approaches,

prepare to be--

Oh, boy.

So hey! Anyway, you want to move
this date into the forest

far away from all electronics
and people?

What? But the floor show's
about to start!

( music plays )

Who wants to hear
Hoo-Ha the owl!

Hello, friends,
Hoo-Ha the owl is dead.

This next song goes out to my
forever boyfriend, Soos.

Soos, what's going on?

No time to explain!

We got to get out of here!

The only way out, Soos,
is in my arms.

Capture them!

( growling )

( people screaming )

Done!

Out with the old,
in with the new!

I feel invincible.

Ah!

What--
what the--

Who wants to get badgered?

Sorry, Soos.

But you can't run away
from our relationship.

So about all this,

I may have purchased
a dating simulator

that attained sentience
and went crazy.

Oh, I am crazy.

Crazy for you, Soos.

Ah!

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Melody!
I'll fix this!

It's me that she wants.

I'll distract her while
Dipper and Mabel keep you safe.

It's the only way.

Soos, these are children.

The only way!

( groaning )

Over here, Giffany!

Stop!

On three, we split.

One, two-

( screaming )

Stay back, you monster!

Ah!

Yes, yes, get him, Goldie,
get him.

I'm gonna eat your face
like pizza.

I have got you surrounded,
Soos.

There is no way out.

Please, let my friends go.

I'll do anything you want.
I promise.

I seem to remember
someone promising

he will be my boyfriend.

Think about it,
real girls are unpredictable,

they judge you.

You really think Melody
is going to take you back

after this awful date?

I can download your brain
into the game with me

and we will be together
forever.

Ah!

Stay back.

Come on, Soos.

Don't make me
to leave you, too.

What do you say?

I say, game over,
Giffany!

No!
Wait!

You did it!

You old, beautiful monster!

You did it!

How's about you and me
hit the town?

These old has-beens
are going to Vegas!

I'm sorry for all this.

I honestly remember
this place being a lot more fun

when I was a kid.

Believe it or not,
I've been on worse dates.

Really?

Never date a magician.

Ew!
Why would I?

Oh, hey, you wouldn't maybe
be interested

in coming to my cousin's

engagement party
in a week?

I promise there is like
zero robot badgers.

Yeah, I'll still be
in town then.

Still be in town?

I'm going back home to Portland
in a few weeks

but we can video chat,
if that's okay with you?

A relationship with a girl

that I can only see
through my computer,

sounds perfect.

Spirit of love,
we did it.

Yes, yes,
I'm so happy.

Have you been
following us all day?

Soos's life
is my soap opera.

( indistinct )

♪ Cash money!

♪ Cash money

♪ In the car with honey ♪

♪ Travel way too fast,
I got money in my glass ♪

♪ Cash money ♪

♪ Grab ♪

♪ You can't stop the party ♪

♪ Cash money ♪

♪ We're old but we're awesome ♪

♪ We're gonna get married ♪

♪ It's a great idea ♪

♪ Who are you to judge? ♪

♪ This was a mistake, what-- ♪