Gravity Falls (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 1 - Scary-oke - full transcript

( wind meter squeaking )

( rumbling )

( snoring )

( snoring )

Thirty long years
and it's all led up to this.

My greatest achievement!

Probably
should have worn pants.

Agh!

( chuckles )

Feisty, I like it.

If I finally
pull this off,



it will all have been
worth it.

I just need to keep
playing it cool.

If anyone ever finds out
about this...

( scoffs ) Yeah, right.
I've come this far.

Who could possibly
catch me now?

( beeping )

AGENT 1: See there,
there it is again.

AGENT 2: We haven't
seen readings like this

for 30 years.

Is it coming
from deep space?

An enemy
weapons site?

Just as I suspected.

Gentlemen, we're going
to Gravity Falls.

( alarm buzzing )



Oh, right.

Show time.

STAN: Welcome
to the grand re-opening

of the Mystery Shack!

( cheers and applause )

Mystery Shack!

We're here
to celebrate the defeat

of that skunk little Gideon.

CROWD: Boo!

Please, please,
boo harder.

CROWD: Boo!

But I didn't catch
that pork chop all alone.

These two scams deserve
some of the glory.

Oh!

Okay, okay.

Most of the glory.

Smile for the camera.

Your camera's
a cinder block, Toby.

I just want to be
a part of things.

Smile for a real camera.

Everyone say
"something stupid."

TOGETHER: Something stupid!

And don't forget to come
to the after party

tonight at 8:00.

We're doing
a karaoke bonanza, people.

Lights! Music!

Enchantment!
Phoo!

And an amazing

karaoke performance
by our family band,

Love Patrol Alpha.

Oh, I don't know
about that.

I would never
agree to that ever.

Too late, I wrote your names
on the list.

It's happening.

( blows horn )

Buy your ticket, people.

You know you don't have
anything else

going on in your lives.

I'm talking to you,
pizza guy.

Don't lame out on me.

Ha!
The town loves us.

We finally got that Gideon
smell out of the carpet.

Everything
is finally going my way.

Hey, Grunkle Stan,
now that we have a moment,

I've been meaning to ask you
for my journal back.

What? Journal?

Oh, you mean
this old thing?

It was so boring
I couldn't even finish it.

( squeals )

You didn't see nothing.

Wait, you're just gonna
give it to me?

Just like that?

What else do you want?
A kiss on the cheek?

I-- I got to go.

Whoa!

I wouldn't mind
a kiss on the cheek.

Not gonna happen.

Mabel,
we've got to talk.

Almost losing my journal
made me realize

that I'm halfway
through the summer

and still no closer
to figuring out

the big mysteries
of Gravity Falls.

Gideon almost
destroyed the town

to get his hands
on this journal.

But why?
Who wrote it?

Where are
all the other journals?

What was Bill talking about
when he said

everything was
going to change?

There's something huge
going on right under our noses.

And it's time
we stop goofing around

and get to the bottom of it.

Bro, you've looked at that
thing, like, a bazillion times.

There's nothing
left to discover.

Half the pages are blank,
remember?

I just feel like
I'm one puzzle piece away

from figuring out everything.

Don't worry, Dipper.

Lord Mystery Ham
is on the case.

"I play by me own rules!
What? What?"

I don't know
why I tell you things.

Do you hear that?

Hey, Mr. Pines,
what's that code word

I'm supposed to yell
when I see a government vehicle?

Wait, what?
Government vehicle?

The Mystery Shack is now closed.
Everybody out!

I will not hesitate
to use the hose

on the elderly.

Uncle Stan,
what's happening?

Yeah, you never
shut down the gift shop.

( doorbell ringing )

( knocking on door )

Welcome to the Mystery Shack,
gentlemen.

What can I get you?
Key chains?

Snow globes?

These rare
photos of American Presidents?

My name is Agent Powers.

This is Agent Trigger.

We're here to investigate

reports of mysterious activity
in this town.

Activity.

Mysterious activity
in the Mystery Shack?

You got to be joking.

I assure you I am not.

I was born with a rare disorder
that makes me

physically incapable
of experiencing humor.

( nervous laughter )

I don't understand
that sound

you're making
with your mouth.

Now if you'll excuse us,

we're conducting
an investigation.

Investigation.

Wait, wait.

Did you guys say
you're investigating

the mysteries of this town?

That information
is classified.

But, yes.

Look, between you and me,

I believe there is a conspiracy
of paranormal origin

all connected
to this town.

We're just one small lead away
from blowing

the lid off this
entire mystery.

Are you kidding me?

I'm investigating
the exact same thing.

I found
this journal in the woods

which has almost
all the answers.

If we work together,
we could crack the case.

If you have
evidence of these claims,

we should talk.

We can talk right now.
Please, please, come in.

I have so much
to show you.

I'm sorry, agents.

Kid has an overactive
imagination and, like,

a sweating problem.

MABEL: ( laughs ) Zing!

Paranormal town stuff,

it's just
part of gift shop lore.

Sells more tickets, you know.

Pop-poro-po-po.

Swag.

We have other spots
to investigate.

We'll be on our way.

I'm confiscating
this for evidence.

POWERS:
Smart move.

Wait!
No, wait!

We have so much
to talk about.

Hold it, kiddo.

Trust me, the last thing
you want around here

in a party is cops.

I'm confiscating
that card.

And how's about
you go be a normal kid?

Flirt with a girl,
or steal a pie off a windowsill.

But, Grunkle Stan,
you don't understand.

And don't go talking
to those agents.

( groans ) That could have
been my big break.

Bro, maybe Grunkle Stan
is right.

We're throwing
a party tonight.

Can't you go one night
without searching

for aliens or raising
the dead or whatever?

I'm not gonna
raise the dead.

I just need a chance to show
those agents my book.

Trust me, Dipper.

The only book you'll need
tonight is right here.

Boo!

I say "kara," you say "oke."
Kara...

Kara...
Kara...

I could do this all day.

Agh!

Well, the confetti
cannon works.

( gasps )

And the karaoke machine
has all the best songs.

"We built this township
on rock and roll."

"Danger lane
to highway town."

"Taking over midnight"
by AmperSandra.

Listen, kid, you do not want
to hear this voice singing.

Trust me.

Grunkle Stan, karaoke
isn't about sounding good.

It's about
sounding terrible, together.

( laughing )

Check it out! These black lights
make my teeth look scary.

It's like a crime scene
in my mouth.

Come on, you'll love it.

( sighs )
It's not fair.

Finally I meet someone
who can help me

solve the mysteries of this town
and Stan confiscates their card.

Dude, I probably
shouldn't be telling you this,

but I'm pretty sure
Stan hides like

everything in his room.

If I go into Stan's room,
I could get in so much trouble.

Yeah, you're probably right.

That's what
makes it fun, dummy.

Man, I can't wait to smash
these Stanatas.

Smash!

Grenda
has entered the party!

Stan's brains
look delicious.

Girls!

Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh, Mabel!

Is that a boom box sweater?

See for yourself.

Poke!
( music playing )

Yeah, yeah!
Work it! Ah!

Aw!

I thought this was
gonna be a rave.

Thompson, take off your shirt
and make it a rave.

I'll do anything
for your approval.

Oh, come on.

I promise I won't
send it to anyone.

Who's got one good eye
and one good pie?

These kegs
are full of meat.

( giggles )

Tambry sends me
the craziest text.

The whole town is showing up

and no sign
of those pesky agents.

Wendy, Dipper, how are those
posters coming along?

Hmm.

I'll keep
an eye out for Stan.

You go rustle through
his weird old man biz.

( creaking )

All right, Grunkle Stan,
where did you hide that card?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Ew!

Pretending
I never saw that.

Wait a minute.

( laughs )
Yes!

I got it!

( dialing )

( line ringing )

POWERS: Agent Powers.

Hi, this is Dipper.

The kid from the Mystery Shack,
the one with the,

um, sweating problem.

I have that journal
I wanted to show you.

And you're certain this journal
will help our case?

I'm 100% positive.

Very well.
We're on our way.

( gasps )

Sorry, Dipper.

I got distracted.

Kid, why did you call
those agents?

I've told you once,
I've told you 100 times,

there's nothing
supernatural going on

in Gravity Falls.

Yes, there is.

After everything
that's happened,

you have to know
that by now.

All I know
is that your dumb obsession

is gonna get us all in trouble
one of these days.

Now go enjoy
the rest of the party,

'cause when it's over,
you're grounded.

Hmm.

( party music playing )
Hey, boys, looking good!

Gorney,
you clean up nice.

Mr. Poolcheck,
move those crazy legs.

You-- You weird pool man.

What's the problem,
officers?

Did you catch my face
going 90 smiles per hour?

We've got complaints about
the loudest party in town.

Three words.

We want in.

Welcome to your dreams.

( whistles blowing )

Guys,
I'm so glad to see you.

Working together,
we can crack

all the big questions
of Gravity Falls.

Trust me, this book is the lead
you've been looking for.

I'm thinking
full-scale investigation.

Forensics, researchers.

Do you guys have
a helicopter?

( chuckles )

I'm sorry, "helicopters."

Kid, I'd love to believe you,
but this just looks like

more junk
from your uncle's gift shop.

I mean, "leprecorn"?

I can't be the only one
that thinks that it's not funny.

I can confirm.
Not funny.

No, it's real, I swear.

You should
"send it to the lab."

Am I saying that right?

Your uncle was right about
that overactive imagination.

We've got paperwork
to do, kid.

Boring paperwork.
Wait!

This book is real.

Gnomes, cursed objects,
spells!

Listen!
Uh...

Uh...
Corpus Levitas!

Uh, Diablo Dominus!
Um, Mondo Vicium!

( howling )

Huh?

Huh?

( growling )

Ha, a zombie!
A real actual zombie, see.

Spooky journal,
100% real.

Now can we work together?

Mother of all that is holy.

What do we do?

It's just one zombie.

Trust me, I see stuff like this
all the time.

( roars )

( screams )

( sighs in relief )

Good thing
it was just that one.

Oh, my gosh.
You guys can help, right?

Kid, we've been chasing
the paranormal for years,

but we've never seen
anything like this before.

Get down!

( screaming )

( screaming )

Oh, my gosh.
What have I done?

♪ What up, fools?
It's Blubs and Durls ♪

♪ Making all that money
and getting them girls ♪

Oh!

What do you say, guys?
Is this party legendary?

When I say Mabel,
you say Pines.

( rumbling )

Mabel!

( screams )
Mabel!

We're all gonna die!

Why does that never work?

Whoa, whoa.

I think it's an earthquake.
( blows horn )

Hey, everybody, we got
to get out of here!

We're all doomed.

Quick!
Into my getaway pouch!

Mabel,
escape while you still can!

Wait! No!
Don't leave!

You haven't even done
our family karaoke song yet.

( all screaming )

( panting )

Dipper,
what's the one thing

I asked you
not to do tonight?

Raise the dead.

And what did you do?

Raise the dead.

( growling )

Get back, dudes.
This is about to get intense.

( screaming )

Sorry, one second.

You've got to admit
this is pretty cool.

( growling )

Zombies!

Don't panic. Maybe they're just
a really ugly flash mob.

Dudes, stay calm.

I've been
training for this moment

my whole life.

With all the horror movies
I've seen,

I know literally everything
there is to know about

how to avoid zombies.

Second thought,
gonna flip the script.

Can I eat your brains?

Yay or nay?

Seeing some yay faces
over here.

( shrieking )

Quick, the golf cart.

Oh, come on.

( chuckles )
That's a bummer.

Good news for me though.

Soos!

Sorry, dude, I just really
want those brains.

Stay back!

Give it up, dudes.

Your fighting only makes us
look more rad.

What do we do?
Where's Grunkle Stan?

How's he supposed to help?

He doesn't even believe
in the supernatural.

Those agents
could ruin everything.

Darn kid!

He has no idea
what he's messing with.

He's stubborn.
That's his problem.

Sort of like me, I suppose.

I got too much
on my mind to worry about

those kids right now.

All right, let's see.

( panting )

( growling )

Take that, sucker!

This thing's a surprisingly
good weapon.

We need to board up
all the windows.

Okay,
maybe that will hold them.

Oh!
Hi, dudes.

By the way, I taught the zombies
how to get to the fuse box.

Among these dudes
I'm like a genius.

Get those brains, dog.

( growling )

Dipper, isn't there something
in the journal

about defeating zombies?

No! There's nothing in here
about weaknesses.

( sighs )
This can't be happening.

I wanted answers so bad
I put everyone in danger.

Now we're toast.

It's all my fault
and no one can save us.

( growling )

No!
Mabel, I'm sorry!

Dipper!

( screaming )

( panting )

You two, attic, now!

Grunkle-- Grunkle Stan?

I said now!

All right,
you undead jerks,

you ready to die twice?

( panting )

The only wrinkly monster
who harasses my family is me.

Take that!

And that!

Beat it, no-eyes.

( growls )

Anyone else want a piece?

( grunts )

( creaks )

( panting )

( banging on door )

( whimpering )

( coughing )

Oh! Ow!

Everything hurts.

Grunkle Stan,
that was amazing!

Are you all right?

( nervous chuckle )

Well, at least, you can't deny
magic exists anymore, right?

Kid, I've always known.

Wait.
What are you talking about?

I'm not an idiot, Dipper.

Of course, this town is weird
and the one thing

I know about that weirdness
is that it's dangerous.

I've been lying about it to try
to keep you away from it,

to try to protect you from it.

It looks like I didn't lie
well enough.

( growling )

What do we do?
What do we do?

Normally,
the journal would help us,

but there's nothing
in there about

defeating zombies.

It's hopeless.

Wait, wait, wait, the text!

It's glowing
in the black light.

What?

All this time I thought
I knew all the journal secrets.

But they're written
in some kind of invisible ink.

Invisible ink?

This is it.

"Zombies have a weakness!

Previously thought
to be invincible,

their skulls can be shattered by
a perfect three part harmony."

Three part harmony?
How can we create that?

I have a naturally
high pitched scream.

I can make noises with my body.
Sometimes intentionally.

Boys, boys.

I think you're both missing
the obvious solution.

MABEL: ( on mic )
Hello. Hello.

Does this seem loud?

Oh, Gossiping Housewives
is on.

( growling )

Eh, I already sat down.

Zombies and gentlemen,
I'm Mable,

they're Dipper and Stan
and together,

we are Love Patrol Alpha!

I never agreed
to that name.

Hit it!

( music playing )

Uh, Mabel, our lives
may not be worth this.

♪ Friday night

♪ We're gonna
party till dawn ♪

♪ Don't worry, Daddy

♪ I've got
my favorite dress on ♪

Mabel, this is stupid.

♪ We roll into the party

♪ The boys
are looking our way ♪

♪ We just keep dancing

♪ We don't care
what they say ♪

♪ And all the boys
are ganging up in my face ♪

( screams )

Guys, we have
to sing together

or it won't work.

♪ Boys are a bore

♪ Let's show
'em the door ♪

TOGETHER: ♪ We're taking over
the dance floor ♪

♪ Oo-oo

♪ Girls do
what we like ♪

♪ Oo-oo

♪ We're taking over
tonight, oo-oo ♪

♪ Girls do what we like,
oo-oo ♪

♪ We're taking
over tonight ♪

♪ We're queens
of the disco! ♪

♪ Oo-oo

♪ Girls do
what we like ♪

♪ We're taking
over tonight ♪

♪ Taking over tonight

( growls )

( screams )

Duck!

Thank you!

We'll be here all night!

Deal with it,
zombie idiots!

( laughs )

TOGETHER: Pines! Pines!

Pines! Pines!

I'm sorry about this, guys.

I totally ruined
everything.

Dipper, are you kidding me?

I got to sing karaoke
with my two favorite

people in the world.

No party could ever top that.

Kids, listen,
this town is crazy.

So you need
to be careful.

I don't know
what I'd do with myself

if you got hurt
on my watch.

I'll let you hold
onto that spooky journal

as long as you promise me
you'll only use it

for self-defense
and not go looking for trouble.

Okay,
as long as you promise me

that you don't have
any other bombshell secrets

about this town.

Promise.

Promise.

Man, we have got
a lot of zombie damage

to clean up.

Where's my handyman anyway?

SOOS: Brains! Brains!

Holy Moses!

Wait!

There's a page in here about
curing zombification.

It's gonna
take a lot of formaldehyde.

Ooh, and cinnamon.

Come on, Soos,
let's fix you up.

Brains! Brains!

Soos, cut it out!

( chuckles ) Sorry, dude.

I can't believe it.

All this time
the author's secrets

were hiding in plain sight.

A whole new chapter
of mysteries to explore.

That was insane.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Who do we report to?

This is bigger than
we imagined.

We need to bring in
the big guns.

But they'll never
believe us.

Then we'll make them
believe us.

This is the town
we've been searching for.

Ba-- Ba-- Bam.

Another zombie!

Drop your weapon!
Drop your weapon!

TOGETHER: Oh, okay,
it's just--

Who is that guy?
A very ugly man.