Gravity Falls (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 18 - Land Before Swine - full transcript

Gravity Falls S01E18 Land Before Swine

Focus, deputy. Remember your trainin'.

Easy, easy...

You're almost there.

Dang it! I almost got the treasure!

The time we spend together is treasure enough.

Hey! You feel that?

Reckon we should report that.

Or go for a ride in our new convertible!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Continuing our mystery tour,



You'll see the world famous outhouse of mystery.

I got stuck in there once!

Could I go to the bathroom?

Save all questions until after the tour.

And up ahead if you look really closely--

Everybody get your cameras,

You're gonna want to see this...

Finally, Waddles,

We have the whole house to ourselves!

What do you think, dance party?

I'm not hearing a no!

Uh-oh, cuddle time. Ha ha ha!

Waddles, can I tell you a secret?

You're my favorite pig in the whole world.



Mabel! What are you doing on the floor?

Being cute and great.

And I thought your brother was weird.

No, he's more like, "Oh! Let's solve a mystery!

I kiss a pillow with Wendy's face drawn on it."

Ha ha! That's pretty good! Kissin' a pillow.

Go! Go! Chew that pant leg!

All right, outside. Now!

No! Grunkle Stan!

It's not safe for waddles outside.

There's predators! And barbecuers!

That's just the natural order.

It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious.

He should be inside like a person.

People don't roll around in their own filth.

Except for Soos.

And we're the lesser for it!

Maybe we're the ones who should be put outside.

Huh? Huh? Think about it!

Today's the day, Soos. Thanks for coming along on this mission.

Dude, it's an honor.

Today I'm sweating from heat and excitement.

There's something hiding in these woods.

Something big enough to rip the roof off a car.

If we get a photo of this thing, we'll be heroes!

Yeah, we'll get all the babes.

You'll be fending off smooches with a stick!

Ha ha! Shut up, man.

With a stick, dude.

Here. Give me a boost.

Oof! Got it.

Uhh. Is sap supposed to be this sticky?

If everything goes according to plan,

The creature will grab that steak,

Cross through the string,

And set off cameras a, b, and c.

And nothing can go wrong.

High five.

This was poorly planned.

- Hey, you!
- Me?

- Sick of constantly dropping your baby?
- Yes!

Hi! I'm Bobby Renzobbi,

And what you need is the huggy wuvvy tummy bundle!

I can hold ten babies at once!

I know what you're thinkin'-- "Does it work for pigs?"

Yeah, it does work for pigs, stupid!

Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours!

It works for p-I-I-I-I-gs!

Grunkle Stan!

I'm off to get a huggy wuvvy tummy bundle!

Yeesh! Isn't knitting matching sweaters for that pig enough?

Nope. Anyway, I need you to look after

This little gentleman while I'm gone.

Not now, kid. I got some tourists comin' through.

Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles.

He's a fat, naked jerk!

But you do care about me.

Promise me you won't let him outside?

Fine! Yeah, yeah, I promise.

Thanks, Grunkle Stan!

I'm watching you, pig.

We did it! It tripped the wire!

Somewhere in these cameras is a photo of that creature!

I'll go develop the film.

I'll go make us victory nachos.

Dipper and Soos for life!

And here, ladies and gentlemen,

Is our final exhibit,

The most hideous creatures known to man!

Oh, it's us!

Right, right. We...

We have fun here.

But seriously, folks,

This is something.

I present to you

A unicorn made out of corn:

The cornicorn!

I-I don't know. I'm tired.

What the--?!

What a rip-off!

Kids, we're leaving.

No! Noooo!

Grrr. You!

Come on, come on...

That's a wing!

If camera b got the wing,

Then the one that should have got the rest is...

Camera c!

The creature!

Who wants victory nachos?

No!

Dude, don't worry.

I only ate like a third of 'em.

Half of 'em.

I ate all of 'em, dude.

Just ten minutes without this pig in the house,

Is that so much to ask?

There. If Mabel asks...

This never happened.

"Oh, but Grunkle Stan! It's not safe out there!

There's predators!" Oh, brother.

I can't believe you, man!

Sorry, dude. I was just so excited! Nachos cause excitement.

Soos, no offense, but you gotta be more careful sometimes.

I'm mean, what are the

odds we'll ever get another picture of the--

Dude, did you see that?

That thing was a dinosaur, bro!

How is it possible a dinosaur survived 65 million years?

Did you see it, Mr. Pines?

- Mr. Pines?
- It--

- It took him.
- Took what?

The pig. It took Waddles.

What'd you say about waddles?

Oh, whoa. Awkward silence.

What's going on? Why are you standing around and where's Waddles?

The good news is, you're gettin' a puppy!

- What happened?
- Well, see,

Uh, when the--

The pig got eaten by a p-terodactyl, bro.

What?!

Waddles? Waddles!

Where did he go?! How did this happen?!

Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him outside?

What?! No! I didn't put him anywhere!

I'm not acting suspicious!

You're acting suspicious!

- What's a pig?!
- Then what happened?

Uh, look, it went down like this, see?

So there I was, in the living room...

Tenderly nursing him with only the richest of creams,

When all of a sudden...

So I said...

Aaah! No dice, cowboy!

I start punching him right in the face!

But he played dirty.

That really happened.

Why?! Why couldn't you have taken me?!!!

Oh, Grunkle Stan, you tried to save him!

Uh, yep. I'm a... great man, all right.

You punched a pterodactyl in the face?

I thought you didn't even believe in the supernatural.

Dinosaurs aren't magic. They're just big lizards.

Get off my back!

Oh, Waddles.

That's it.

No pterodactyl messes with my sister.

We're gonna go out there, catch him, and save your pig.

For Mabel, guys!

For Mabel!

But how do we even find the little guy?

We follow that!

Oh, sweet! Yes! Genius!

Or, ya know, we could just call it a day,

Maybe hit the pool hall or, uh...

Yeah! Let's go...

Save waggles!

- Waddles.
- Him too.

All right!

That p-terodactyl won't know what hit him.

Huh. It's "Pterodactyl," Man.

Actually, nobody knows how to pronounce it

Because no one was alive back in dinosaur days,

So, uh--

Whoa! Almost ran over my own head there.

Mabel, we've gotta talk.

This is a really high-stakes mission

And I'm a little worried about Soos coming along on this one.

I love the guy, but sometimes he...

Messes stuff up.

What?! Since when?

Sorry, dude.

Sorry, dude.

Look! A fairy!

Ha ha!

Oh, sorry, dude, I killed that fairy.

Let him down easy.

This is so great! You and me, bro!

Best friends,

Fighting and potentially high-fiving dinosaurs.

Soos, look, I, uh... I gotta tell you something.

Okay, but before you do,

check out these matching shirts I made for us.

Who's this guy right here?

You. Totally you, dude.

And these rays indicate friendship.

So what was it you were gonna tell me again?

Uh... p-terodactyl, here we come!

Yes!

Bros before dinos!

Okay, the red yarn leads to...

Old Man McGucket?!

Howdy, friends!

What are you doing out here?

You'll never believe me.

So I was doing my hourly hootenanny--

Ohh! This guy.

When this enormous wingly critter

Stole my musical spoons

And flew lickety-split into the abandoned mines down yonder.

Looks kinda hairy down there.

Come on, Grunkle Stan, you can handle it.

You punched a pterodactyl in the face, remember?

Oh, yeah. Ha ha.

I did do that, didn't I?

My! What suspicious laughter!

Guys, we're going in.

Need someone to tag along

and tell weird personal stories?

No, thanks.

So there I am

Fightin' a raccoon for the same piece of meat,

When our mouths get close and we kiss accidentally.

Uhh. You can't take a hint, can you?

Nope!

- Sweet moses!
- Razzle dazzle!

Fancy marmalade!

These plants look all jurassic-y.

Huh. This little fella smells like battery acid.

Looks like I lost my sense of smell. Ha ha ha!

Oh, Waddles,

We're gonna find you!

They're all trapped inside tree sap!

That's how they survived for 65 million years.

The summer heat must be melting them loose!

Holy moly! Forget the cornicorn--

This is the attraction of a lifetime!

I could bring people down here

And turn this into some sort of theme park.

"Jurassic sap hole."

Uh, dudes...

Maybe we should keep moving.

This could be a gold mine!

Velvety rope type deal there,

Ticket booth here--ha!

I shoulda put that pig outside ages ago!

- Wait. What did you just say?
- Hmm? What's that?

You said the dinosaur flew into the house.

No, wait. Uh--

- If you think about it
- you put waddles outside,

Then you lied to me about it!

And now, thanks to you, my pig could be dead!

Waddles could be dead!

Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside.

No! That's it!

Grunkle Stan, I am never, ever speaking to you again!

Look, you can't be serious.

Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them!

Kid!

I can't hear anyone!

No one's talking to me!

Guys, guys, don't fight.

Why can't you be more like me and Dipper?

Look, everything's gonna be cool.

All we gotta do to find the pig is follow this here yarn.

We just keep following and following,

And when we reach the end--

Wh-which cave was it again?

Ohh, Soos! You lost the trail!

Hey, come on, we'll find our way. Trust me!

Sorry, dude.

That is it! See, this is why I didn't want to bring you along!

What--what do you mean?

I mean, this is really important to Mabel,

And you keep screwing everything up!

You ruined our photograph,

And now you've got us hopelessly lost!

But we're p-terodactyl bros. I made t-shirts.

It's pronounced "Pterodactyl."

And these shirts are useless! They're gigantic!

I...have...A different. Body type, dude!

- Oh, so it's my fault?
- I just thought, ya know...

Hey! Cheer up, fellers!

I fixed your lantern!

Heh heh! What-- what are we doin'?

Nobody make any sudden movements or loud noises.

Yeehah! We found a pterodactyl!

Guys. We need a plan to get out of here.

Okay, okay. How's about Mabel knits Soos a pig costume...

I like it.

And we use soos as a human sacrifice!

- I like it.
- Whaddya say, mabel?

Aw, come on,

You can't stop talkin' to me forever.

Yeah, Mabel, we have to work together here.

What? You want to work with Mabel

But not your buddy Soos?

Wait! Did you hear that?

Waddles!

- Wait, kid!
- Mabel!

Are you nuts?!

Oh, is someone speaking?

Because I can't hear anything!

Oh, no! She's gone deaf with fear!

Mabel, come back here!

Waddles!

Oh! My waddles!

I'll never lose you again!

Uh... Mabel?

Sh-sh-sh. You're safe now.

Mabel, great, you got him.

Now we gotta get out of here!

Waddles, wait!

Get off me, you dumb pig!

Look out!

- Oh, no!
- Stan!

Mr. Pines!

Yeah, you would enjoy this.

Guys, we've gotta save them!

McGucket, do you have an invention

that can distract the pterodactyl?

Do I?!

Nope.

Well, welcome to the world, little feller.

The dumb thing must be hungry.

I guess it's you or me, pig.

What are you lookin' at?

Aw, come on, don't give me that look.

What am I supposed to do, let it eat me?

Oh I get it! You're trying to guilt me.

Well, it ain't workin', pal.

Who cares if you're mabel's favorite thing in the world?

I can live without the kid talkin' to me all the time,

Tellin' me her jokes... makin' me laugh...

Ah, dang it!

Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done.

You want this pig?

Then you're gonna have to get through me, you flying devil!

Come and get me!!!

Aw, dude. Did he really just

eat that prospector guy? That is messed up!

I'm okay!

What do we do? What do we do?

- We have to get in a straight line.
- What?!

A pterodactyl's eyes are so far apart

That if you stand right in front of it, it can't see you.

Soos, you've been wrong about stuff all day.

- How can we...
- Dude, look.

I know I've messed up a lot.

I could be sorta clumsy,

And it's not always as loveable as I think.

But please, as my friend, just trust me on this one.

Get behind me, dudes.

It's working.

Soos, you did it!

Was that...

Stan?

Waddles!

He's punching him in the face!

From heck's heart I stab at thee!

Oh, yes! Ha ha! You're all right, Stan?

Oh, Mr. Pines, you're okay!

Here's your pig, kiddo.

Oooh! Waddles!

Oh... you saved him for me!

Yeah, well, sometimes you just gotta--

Look out!

We're trapped!

Quick! The geyser can shoot us back up!

Come on, go! Go!

Bros before dinos!

I can't believe you did all that for Waddles!

Ah, well, I can't have my favorite niece not talking to me,

And if I gotta leap onto a pterodactyl and punch him in the face,

Then that's what I gotta do.

That's kinda sappy.

What?! That's how I feel!

No, I mean...

Oh, yeah.

Gotcha!

Check it out, that thing destroyed my vest.

Soos, look!

A real dinosaur tooth? That's awesome!

Not as awesome as you saving us back there.

Pterodactyl bros?

Pterodactyl bros.

Hey, I pronounced it right that time.

Think we need to worry about the rest of those dinosaurs?

I doubt it.

I ate my way through a dinosaur!

Hi, I'm Bobby Renzobbi!

Are your arms jealous of your legs?

Then you need arm pants--

The pants that you wear on your arms!

Sheesh. Who actually buys this infomercial stuff?

Ha. I know, right?

Cancel the order. Cancel the order!

Snorting. That's his tell.

- I fold.
- Tough luck, sucker.

- Waddles was bluffing.
- What?!

I had four aces!

That pig is a wizard!

Look at him. He's taunting me.

I've been cheating the last eight turns.

Ha ha! That's my girl.