Gravity Falls (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 16 - Carpet Diem - full transcript

Gravity Falls S01E16 Carpet Diem

Oh! Total domination!

I am the master of attic-stuff mini-golf!

From the mighty Swiss Alps

to the badlands of Dipper's old laundry,

where man fears to tread.

All right, let a pro on the field.

Er...floor. Whatever.

Ow! My head!

It hit me right in the head!

Yes! Stan shot!



Is that legal?

The judges say it's out of bounds.

You're out of bounds!

Hey! Stop it!

Hey, Dipper, I gotta go hang out with Candy and Grenda tonight.

Aw, again? You can't leave mid-game!

Don't be silly, I'm not leaving!

My friends are coming to me!

Wait, what?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Sleeping bags? Rom-coms?

Calling all boys preteen edition?!

You're not having a--

Sleep over!



Okay, so how much do you like boys?

So much!

Boys make me think about kissing.

Candy!

Oh my gosh! Ow!

We are so crazy tonight!

Who wants to smear make-up on my face?

Oh, you're already so beautiful Grenda,

What would be the point?

Beautiful! Beautiful!

Beautiful!

Mabel!

Do you think you could do this somewhere else?

You're laughing at frequencies only dogs should hear.

Come on, it's not that bad.

You know what your brother needs?

A makeover?

Hey Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight?

Of course, dude.

You just gotta make your body

go like a video game puzzle block.

The trick is to hold perfectly still.

Oh! Wait, wait.

Oh! Wait, wait.

Oh! Wait, wait. Ow, ow, ow--

I think I'll sleep somewhere else.

Actually felt good that time.

Ow! Wait, wait.

Sleeping under the stars... not bad.

Ah! Get off!

Ah! Ah! Get away!

This is still better.

Uhh... what happened last night?

What's up, party girl?

I don't know what I was kissing in there,

But I have no regrets.

Candy falls down now!

That was awesome, girls!

See you again soon!

Hey brother!

You want any of this leftover pizza?

It's got glitter on it!

Mabel, last night an owl tried to eat my tongue.

That's great!

No, it's not great!

This is impossible to live with!

What? I'm delightful to live with!

Get ready to be poked by the fun stick!

- Boop.
- Ahh!

Mabel, I've had it with the fun stick!

You've totally wrecked our room.

And... oh no!

Our mini golf course!

Yeah, Grenda sure loves breaking things.

Mabel, we need to lay down some ground rules

if we're gonna be living in this room together.

First of all, no sleepovers.

What?!

Well if I can't have sleepovers,

then you can't keep me up every night with your summer reading.

How does reading keep you up?

Interesting...

But who stole the capers?

Well, at least my braces don't whistle when I breathe!

At least I wash my clothes once in a while!

Washing clothes is a waste of time!

I'm a busy guy!

All right. If you meow one more time--

Okay, that's it, that's the final straw.

Maybe we shouldn't share a room anymore.

Well, uh--

Well, maybe we shouldn't!

- Fine by me!
- Double fine by me!

Then we need to talk to grunkle Stan about moving rooms.

Yeah, he's a reasonable guy.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

TV, it knows what I want.

Grunkle Stan? We want different rooms.

And I want a pair of magic money pants!

It's not gonna happen.

Magic money pants?

Come on, grunkle Stan!

Can't we work something out?

Look, kid. There's my room and the attic.

That's it. What do you think,

there's some kind of secret hidden room in the shack?

Dudes!

I found some kind of secret hidden room in the shack!

Okay, so I was cleaning up behind this bookcase,

when boom! Mystery door.

This old shack is full of weird secrets.

Classy!

"Experiment 78."

Grunkle Stan, what is this place?

I don't know.

Just another room I gotta clean up now.

The carpet it's amazing!

Yeah, if you're into things that are terrible.

Problem solved! I'll move in here!

What? Why do you automatically get the room?

We both saw it at the same time!

Wait a second...

So you both want this room, huh?

I guess I'll give it to

whichever one of you I like more.

Uh oh. Looks like my shoe's untied!

Give it to me.

To the kitchen! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight!

Whoa. I don't know dudes.

This room gives me major creep-o vibes.

Ya know, the attic is a pretty good space.

Maybe you two should appreciate what you got.

Grunkle Stan! I gotta have that room!

Huh. Hey, what do I know?

Maybe there's nothing creepy going on in this room.

All right, kids, here's how it's gonna go down.

Whoever sucks up the hardest, gets the key to the new room.

Grunkle Stan, we're not going to suck up to you

just to get the new room.

Yeah, we are!

Ten suck up points for Mabel!

I mean, uh, yeah we are!

Trying too hard. Minus 15 suck up points.

- What?
- Good decision, grunkle Stan!

Trying way too hard! Plus 50 suck up points.

Now who wants to re-tile the roof

In searing 105 degree heat!

Me! Me! I'll do it!

Me! No, Dipper! Give it here!

Ahh, Stan, you're a good uncle.

I'll kill you!

Dipper! You're phoning it in!

Ahh. Man, that's refreshing.

Ten suck up points for this lemonade.

Thank you, Stan.

Oh, ho! Ten more for politeness.

Oh, and so sweet!

All these chores will be worth it when I get this room.

Shag carpeting... come on!

Hey, brother. Don't get too comfortable,

I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face.

I have seen the face of beauty.

Face it. I'm like a suck up ninja!

This room's as good as mine!

You might as well give up now.

What do you say?

I say, I'm gonna win this room somehow,

And when I do...

I'll finally have my own space,

And we'll never have to share anything ever again!

Ugh...what happened?

Dipper?

Why are you wearing my clothes?

And my... face!?

Am I in my your body?

Am I in my your body?

Get out! Get out!

Get out!

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

Great, just what we need.

More gravity falls weirdness.

This is stupid!

Sharing a room was bad enough.

Now we're sharing bodies?

Ugh, braces are horrible.

It's like my mouth hates me!

And what are these things?

I wanna know why you're so sweaty!

- And awkward.
- Hey, look!

Experiment 78!

Electron carpet.

Atoms can swap electrons.

This carpet must build up a static charge

so powerful it can swap minds.

It was the static electricity.

Maybe, we could use it to switch back!

Phew. Oh, oh!

Glad I'm switchin' back.

If I was you, I would totally lose the contest.

And if I was you, which I am...

I could sabotage myself!

Then Mabel would lose all her points

and the room would go to Dipper!

Wait, what?

Oh, Stan!

I've always hated you!

Ha ha! See who he gives the room to now!

No! Wait!

Tie your shoes!!

Mmm... those cannibals are onto something,

I taste delicious!

Grunkle Stan!

What's the word, Mabel?

That's right! It's me, ugh, Mabel!

If you like that omelet, you'll love this...

A sandwich made out of rocks!

Candy rocks?

Regular rocks!

Keep that up, and I'll be giving your brother this key.

Ha ha! I mean... darn.

Hey, grunkle Stan!

Your face looks like a butt!

What?!

Breaking stuff is so much fun!

I am Dipper and I stink!

Mabel's gone bananas!

Well, this is getting weird.

Wait!

Are you gonna dock Mabel points?

Dipper should lose all his points!

Ugh! Grunkle Stan!

Waddles, you got it good, bro.

You got no worries.

I mean, nobody thinks it's cute

When I lie naked on the living room floor.

I wish I could be a pig.

Yes!

I should do out loud wishing more often.

Is that a corn cob I spy?

I got little legs!

Hey, Soos. What's up?

Have you seen my--

Uh... I'll come back later.

Grunkle Stan, come back!

I have more terrible things to do!

You're toast, Mabel!

That room's as good as mine!

There you are Mabel!

- Attack her with love!
- Yeah!

Sleep over!

What!? No no no!

Ahh! Dipper? Hey, wait!

Wait, come back!

Hey! Could I talk to my, uh, sister for a sec?

This is a sleepover buddy. No boys allowed!

Look guys, I'm not really in a sleepover mood right now.

One of my irrational girl mood swings, you know?

Right? Don't we have those?

Come on! My mom's age-inappropriate romance novels

Aren't going to read themselves!

Oh! "Wolfman, barechest"!

Uh, really, I should probably..

Come on! You know you love it!!!

"My name is Gerard.

"I am a werewolf, creature of the night.

But I am also a creature of passion."

Gerard is just so fierce.

What's goin' on, Dipper?

Ahh... you're at that creepy age where you spy on girls, huh?

Guess it's time you and me had a man-to-man talk

About the birds and the bees, ya know.

I--I should really be going--

No way out of it!

Look, it all begins with this little fella,

The pituitary gland.

He may be little, but he has big plans.

I wonder what rollicking adventures I'll stumble into.

A mud puddle!

Do I dare live out the cliche?

I'm a pig! Oink oink, right?

Free meal!

No! Don't eat me!

I'm a man trapped in a pig's body!

That's what they all say!

Help! Police!

A bearded witch chasing a talking pig!

My horoscope came true.

Now read mine!

- What are you, gemini?
- You knew?!

Yeah, of course, I knew!

And now you know where babies come from.

Goodbye, childhood.

You know, I find you more likable today than usual.

Maybe you could still win that game after all.

Huh?

I was gonna give that new room to Mabel--

No, you should! Give it to Mabel!

You big jerk!

What did you say to me?

I said, uh, shut up, old man!

You're fat and dumb, and you're a dummy.

And take that!

Finally Standing up to me, huh?

I love it!

You know, I've made up my mind.

The room belongs to you, Dipper.

You can't!

You have to give it to Mabel!

Shh.

You had me at "Shut up old man."

No!

The end.

Now for the 38 sequels!

No!

I'm gonna make you into bacon!

Oh, ho! That sounds pretty good.

Wait, I mean, no!

Three, four, five.

It's him! My dream date!

Hello!?

Hello baby, this is Kevin.

My beach house has room... for two.

Kevin has the voice of a robot.

Don't ruin this for me, Candy!

It's your turn, Mabel.

I gotta win the room.

Stan! It's me, Mabel!

I'm doing things you hate!

It's over, Dipper.

Stan gave you the room.

Ha ha! Yes! All right!

Well let's switch bodies then, and I can start moving in!

Wait a minute, you can't have the room...

If you can never get in!

Hey, come back!

Come on!

Open the door, Dipper!

I mean... Mabel.

How am I ever gonna get in there?

Kevin for the last time, I'm not interested!

How could you say that to Kevin!

Hey girls, who wants to give my brother a make-over!

Oh, good, Soos.

Ya got a second?

Look, times are tough, economy, or something, etc.

Basically... I have to cut your pay.

Wh-- what are you doing?

Is this some sort of negotiating tactic?

'cause it's not gonna to work.

Fine! I was lying. I'll give you a raise!

Just never do that again.

Ugh. Nightmare.

Can you help me? I'm looking for directions--

Oh, you'll show me the way?

Such a gentleman!

It's Candy and Grenda!

Friends!

Hey guys!

What's up?

Dipper?! Wait! Don't let him in here!

Make over!

No, no! Stop, stop! Whoa, no!

We're gonna make you so hot!

Wait, no! Stop!

Guys, you have to listen to me!

No!

Good job, ladies!

Now let me just add one final touch!

My body!

I'm a genius!

Ugh... all right, Mabel.

The room is mine.

Wait! Hold on here. What just happened?

I barely understand it.

All I know, is if you shuffle your feet on this carpet,

you can switch bodies or whatever.

- Zip zip!
- No!

Aw, come on!

I am a boy now!

What's up, brah?

Lets grow some moustaches!

Dipper, give me that key back!

Guys! Stop fighting!

Oh, no!

Then again, I like having muscles for once

Now I have tiny little doll hands!

Everybody, look.

Swap back in three, two--

Oh, dude!

Come back! I wanna deep fry yer ears!

Tonight on baby fights!

Tensions rise between madison and avery

at baby fight headquartes.

Give me my body back!

Cool! I'm santa claus!

I've regained my innocence!

Well, I guess I'm a pig now.

So, that's a thing.

This body's not that different

From my old one.

We got some reports of excessive giggling.

My horoscope didn't say anything about this!

Ahh! What's happening to me?!

I am a police officer now!

Let's go get some perps, Candy!

- Give me that key, Mabel!
- Never!

Mabel, are you you?

Yeah, I'm me.

Well, I've got the key!

Mabel! The room is mine!

Give it to me!

What's with you?

Why do you need that room so bad?

I never even wanted to move out!

Me either!

Wait, what? Say that again!

I--I never wanted to move out.

Then what was all this?

Everything was fine until you started bringing

your friends around every night.

I mean, hanging out with you this summer's been fun.

But now, you're always with Candy and Grenda.

And I'm... like, just left behind.

Aw, Dipper.

It's okay.

I've been having a hard time.

You wouldn't understand what I'm going through.

You're probably feeling awkward and sweaty, huh?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Here. I won't fight you for it.

Thanks.

Well, it looks like everyone's back to normal!

Except for Soos, who may be pig permanently?

Oh, no. I changed back.

At least I think I did.

I'll still eat ya.

Okay pal, that's enough of that.

Move it along, weird old man.

Huh, I guess being a pig wasn't that great after all.

Hey, lemme get that spot you can never reach...

Hey, I've been thinking and the answer is...

Yes! I will marry you!

Wait I don't remember anything about a--

Hmm. All right.

Ah, there.

Ahh, a man in his own space.

That's right! Finally.

So what are you gonna do with this old thing?

Get rid of it.

Ha ha! You got it.

This carpet's ugly.

Ah, finally, my own room.

Goodnight, Mabel.

Goodnight, Dipper.

Hey, um, you wanna have a sleepover?

Fore!

Ah! Why am I even out here at night?

So, what are we gonna do with that new room?

I gave it to Soos to replace

that horrible break room he has.

Hey, do you know what the deal was with that lady?

I just don't think I can do this anymore.

You just seem so... different.

Look, dude, uh, I'm playing a little bit of catch up here.

I was in a pig's body for most of the day.

What's going on?

Can we kiss again?

Is that an option?

Oh! Wait, wait.