Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Bonida Bandidas - full transcript

[theme music playing]

♪ Well, I don't know why
I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feeling
That something ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪

♪ Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[mariachi music playing]



[Grace] This is insane.

This is the farthest thing from insane.

We're doing something good
for all the folks back home who need us.

We're the Bonida Bandidas.

We are not the Bonida Bandidas.

We have to be extremely careful.

I don't wanna end up in a Mexican jail.

I promise that won't happen.

I used to do this all the time
back in the '70s.

Of course, I was smuggling other drugs
in hard fruits,

but the same basic principle applies.

In a pinch, your safest hiding spot
is your holes.

Well, Frankie, not all of us are blessed
with cavernous orifices.

You'll get there.



Speaking of orifices,
let me do the talking.

You?

Last I checked, I'm the only one
who hablas the español.

For the last time,
you do not speak Spanish.

Save what you've picked up
from telenovelas.

For your information, Corazones Mentirosos
is an educational telenovela.

It's about a former call girl
named Valentina

who escapes the cartel
and joins a convent,

and it is muy hot as shit.

Well, we will follow your lead

when we need to untangle egg beaters
from a human's hair.

But there is too much at stake here.

I hear you, Grace.

That's why I'm gonna make
a phone call to my contact, Psycho.

Don't look him in the eye,
and don't call him Psycho.

No! No call.

No Psycho.

In fact, I'm gonna keep your phone
and your passport.

I know how you like to lose these things.

Why is Arlene's letter
to Dr. Ramirez ripped and re-taped?

Damn post office.

You read this.

In my defense, I read everyone's mail.

Well, what does it say?

Grace, that's a private letter
between Arlene and Dr. Ramirez and myself.

Shame on you.

All I will say is,

they're having an affair,
she's breaking up with him,

probably because of her brain.

I didn't know she was having an affair.
Now she's breaking up with him?

Tell me everything.

No can do. We're here.

What?

When did we cross the border?

I didn't think it was that easy.

Getting into Mexico is easy.

The hard part is getting back
with a keister full of drugs.

♪ Stick with me, baby
I'm the fella you came in with ♪

♪ Luck be a lady ♪

♪ Luck be a lady ♪

♪ Luck be a lady ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

Bravissimo!

That was perfect, Robert.

Worth keeping me up all night to memorize.

Come on, Sol.

You always wanted to be
a mobster's gun moll.

The only way that'll happen

is if Peter accepts my apology
and gives me back my part.

And you think he'll show?

I have a 25-year-old Scotch.

He'll show.

Besides, he won't be able to resist
the apology of a lifetime.

In fact, I wouldn't be shocked
if he filmed it. [chuckles]

Robert, you left the oven on.

- No, I didn't.
- You did.

You did the other day too.

Can you blame me
if I'm a little scatterbrained?

I'm in the fight of my life
to win back this role.

It's been pulling all my focus lately.

Okay. No need to get defensive.

Just making sure you're okay.

I assure you, Sol, I'm fine.

Besides, everyone our age
has moments of forgetfulness.

Does everyone put their hats
in the fridge?

Oh.

That explains the hoagie in my drawer.

No wonder your underwear
smelled like salami.

I don't understand why I should
have to do conflict resolution.

Probably because you've created
a hostile work environment

with your violent ways.

Please.

If there's anyone people are afraid
of being battered by, it's you.

And yet, you assaulted me.

You wanna go again?

I'll go loco on you.

Let me take off my hoops
and I'll be right there.

- [clears throat]
- What?

The mediator is here.

So stop being weird and send him in.

Yeah, I'm just gonna send him right in.

That's what I just said.

Okay.

Uh, you can come in!

Brianna.

Mallory.

Who's ready for some conflict resolution?

I sure am.

[bells jingling]

Okay. We're not gonna mention
the letter we didn't read

until after we get the Bonida.

In fact, let me do all the talking.

Got it.

But then, when the time is right,
I talk a bunch.

Hola.

[speaking Spanish]

Grace, you are such a gringo.

[speaking Spanish]

[in English] You are both pregnant
and I have betrayed you?

Damn it, Frankie.

Perhaps you would be more comfortable
if we spoke in English.

Well, that would be fine.

We're here to see Dr. Ramirez.

I'm so sorry, Dr. Ramirez
is not seeing anyone else today.

But we came all the way
from America to see him.

You'll have to come back at another time.

In that case, would you kindly tell him
Arlene needs to see him?

Uh, who is Arlene?

I am.

Dr. Ramirez and I are very close friends.

Grace, doesn't she have
a lovely chestal area?

What kind of friends?

Like brother and sister.

Oh, no. Much, much closer.

Like conjoined twins
who would never have sex with each other.

Stop it, Frankie!

Look, between you and me,

he and I are having a little thing.

[mimicking siren]

Stop!

Just tell him Arlene is here.

Excuse me for one moment
while I go tell my husband

that the end of our marriage has arrived.

[Maria shouting in Spanish]

Oh, God.

What part of... [mimics siren]

...don't you understand?

If he doesn't show,
this counts as your birthday party.

You just don't wanna build houses
for the homeless.

Peter!

Peter!

My favorite director!

My favorite sycophant!

Well...

time to go prostrate ourselves to Peter

and that talking penis he's dating.

That's the spirit.

[clears throat]

I just wanted to say,
from the bottom of both our hearts...

Hold it.

I wanna film this.

- [cell phone beeps]
- Action.

We are truly sorry
for what we said about the two of you.

We're not making excuses,
but since we were robbed,

we've both been
in a bit of a state of panic.

Accusing friends,

pushing each other in front of raccoons...

The point is,
we weren't in our right minds.

And, of course,
you would never steal from us.

So please accept our apology.

And I beg of you, Peter,

don't take it out on Robert.

Well...

that was certainly a clear
and unequivocal admission of guilt,

wasn't it, Stevie?

Not super sure what you just said.

We accept your apology.

And as far as the play goes,
you don't have to win me over.

Oh! Thank God.

Who wants Scotch?

It's Stevie you have to win over.

Excuse me?

I've made Stevie my new casting director.

Don't worry, Robert.

I'll keep an empty mind.

So my goal here

is to find a place
where both parties feel resolved

and can continue a working relationship.

- [Mallory] Dan?
- Yes. Mallory.

What the fuck are you doing here?

I also have that question.

I'm so glad you asked.

Um, I used to be kind of an angry guy

and I realized I had an issue

when I found myself
in a senseless argument with a waiter.

And I ended up punching a slab of meat.

Are you kidding me?

Dude, we were there.

- That was a separate incident.
- Oh, my.

But it was a blessing in disguise.
It led me to my calling.

And when I heard there was a problem
at Say Grace, I jumped at the chance.

But I must say, I'm kind of surprised
to find you here, Mal.

Well, hold onto your hat, Mediator Dan,

because perfect little Mallory
put me in a sleeper hold.

I understand. I used to deal
with my issues with my fists too.

Life is funny...

isn't it?

You staring deep into her soul right now?

Okay.

Obviously we need to get
a different mediator in here.

I assure you, I'll be fair.

And when I feel
you've resolved this conflict,

I will tell Taneth as much.

Now...

who wants to try some fun exercises?

Do I have to move?

- [Maria shouting in Spanish]
- [glass breaking]

You don't get many
husband-and-wife pharmacies.

Who are you?

Where is Arlene?

Well, I'm a friend of hers.

Why did you say you were her?

I was trying to get you to come out here.

We had no idea that was your wife.

I had some idea.

I need you both to leave.

Sorry, we can't leave until we get
what we came for.

You are not satisfied enough
having burned my entire world to ash?

Am I saying this right?

My English is not perfect.

You are...

completely fucking up my life, yes?

Yeah.

You nailed it.

Yeah, we need Bonida.

Lots of it.

And Frankie could use some Gas-X
for the ride home.

Look, I know she's made
a mess for you here

but there are people back home
who will suffer without this drug.

Please don't punish them
for Grace's ignorance.

I will give you the Bonida.

But I'm sure you will understand,

you can never come back here again.

Mrs. Ramirez, we are so sorry.

I'm not Arlene.

My name is Grace, and this is...

Jennifer Nightingale,
for all your real estate needs.

Mrs. Ramirez, if it helps at all...

we know what it's like to be cheated on.

We do.

We're so sorry.

We're just here for the medication.

Then you will be interested to know
that I have called Border Patrol.

They will be on the lookout
for two old home-wreckers

smuggling drugs illegally
across the border.

Have a nice day.

[groans]

♪ The devil will drag you under ♪

♪ By the sharp lapel
Of your checkered coats ♪

♪ Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down ♪

♪ Sit down, you're rocking the boat ♪

♪ Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down ♪

♪ Sit down, you're rocking the boat ♪

[all cheering]

Oh, this?

It's just my Tappy Award.

I don't even remember
why they gave it to me.

Didn't you win that for 1776, Robert?

That's right, Sol.

I guess everybody thought
I was the best actor-singer in San Diego,

or whatever.

It's a shoe on a stick.

Now, Stevie, about this role, about Sky.

I don't know.

If you ask me,
I'm going with the devil you know.

Whoever is your most talented,
most accomplished actor, you know...

Whoa!

- Whoa.
- Almost dropped my Tappy.

Okay.

I think I see what's going on here.

You want me to give you the role
of Sky Masterson.

You figured it out, Stevie.

What a smart boy.

Look, I know how important this part is,

and I'm not about to gamble on someone
who might not be capable of doing it.

Thank God.

Thank you, Stevie.

Which is why I'm casting myself
in the role. Mm!

Mm.

Please remember,

the point of this exercise is not to win,

but to work together to have
an equal number of wins and losses.

If you can refrain
from competing against each other,

you both win.

- Got it?
- Mm-hm.

Ready?

- Go!
- Ow!

What the hell?

Okay.

I wasn't ready before.

- Are you ready now?
- Yes.

Go.

Ow.

Why are you so strong?

- I have four kids and I do Pilates.
- Wow.

Impressive, Mal. Good job.

Thought you said it wasn't a competition.

It isn't.

But Mallory clearly won.

Two tickets to the gun show, please.

Am I on whatever
the modern version of Punk'd is?

Okay.

Let's try an exercise with a clearer goal.

This one is simple. [clears throat]

You both step inside the hula hoop

and work together
to swing it around your bodies.

If you do not work as a team,
you will fail.

Anyone ever told you
your exercises are stupid?

Many times.

[both grunting]

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

- Here we go. Okay.
- Okay.

[Brianna] Just swing left.

[Mallory] Like this?

No. This way.

This is left.

No, my left.

It's the same left!

No, it is whatever left I say it is!

Okay, Brianna?

You're trying a little too hard
to boss the situation.

Try being more of a team player.

Like Mallory.

Seriously? Gonna claim Mallory
as the winner of this?

Again, there is no winner.

But if I had to pick, it would be Mallory.

Okay, this is some bullshit.

Clearly, he's just trying to curry favor
so he can win you back.

Oh! Right.

Because it's impossible I could be
better at anything than you, right?

God forbid I should excel at something
based on my own merit.

No!

No, no, it couldn't be that.

It must be because he's in love with me.

Okay. Well, guess what, Brianna? He's not.

Hmm.

So here's the thing.

Um...

I've done a lot of, uh...

introspection.

And I really wanna make it work
between us.

I say we give it one more try.

What do you say?

Take a minute.

Think it over. No problem.

- [door unlocks]
- Thank you.

Okay, let's not panic.

Not panic?

How does a Mexican restaurant in Mexico
only have tamales on Tuesday?

Quiet.

I need to think.

We have to lay low, maybe get
a hotel room for a couple of days.

There must be a Four Seasons
around here somewhere.

No.

You took the lead. Look where it got us.

In the same sexy mess
as Valentina's twin cousin.

- I've got it.
- [waiter] Hola, señoras.

- Hola.
- May I take your order?

I'd like seven al pastor tacos,

and I would like you to hold
this bag of drugs for a couple of days.

[Grace] What are you doing?

Simple. This dude holds the drugs
while you and I cross the border legally.

And then one of us comes back to get it.

Got it?

He's gone.

[clears throat]

Excuse me, what is going on here?

Oh, shit.

Hello.

Is there a limit on how much salsa
one may take to go?

I don't want you soliciting my employees.

Tijuana Tony's is a family restaurant.

Well, your employees are narcs.

Could I just get a soup container
for the salsa?

I'll be calling the police now.

Why does everyone
keep calling the cops on us?

Fuck, Frankie, we gotta get out of here.
Give me the bag.

I'm not giving you anything.

You get out of here.

What are you talking about?

I got you into this mess.

Besides, I can do a nickel
standing on my head.

But those guards
would pass you around like peanut brittle.

Frankie, we are in this together.

Not anymore.

This is something
I've got to do on my own.

It was my idea.

Catch you in Los Estados Unidos, amiga.

Listen to me, Frankie.

When I got into that car with you,
I wasn't planning to just go halfway.

If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here

in the final scene
of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

That's right.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here,
doing something selfless.

You do benefit from my tutelage.

Damn straight.

Okay, now, the way I see it...

we have three options.

We can stay and let the police arrest us,

we can ditch the drugs, get home safely

and let Arlene and everybody else down.

Or...

we could go for it.

Are you serious?

Thousands of people
cross that border every day.

Besides...

we have a secret weapon.

Our holes?

Us!

When we're together, we're unstoppable.

But they're on the lookout
for two old ladies.

We are two old ladies.

No.

We are the Bonida Bandidas.

Bonida Bandidas!

[sirens wailing in distance]

We should go now, though.

[Robert] Hey, Peter.

- Enjoying the party?
- Mm-hm.

Cake is kind of dry.

That's great. Listen.

- You are ruining my freaking life.
- I'm sorry?

You see your little porno repairman?

Apparently he's decided
to make himself Sky Masterson.

He's using our home as his personal gym.

- [Robert] Have you even heard him sing?
- He made me sing last night.

If I were straight,
I'd make you high-five me right now.

You are letting your judgment
be completely clouded by lust.

Yes. Thank you.

See, Robert? Sol gets it.

Look, this isn't about me anymore.

That dunce cannot be Sky.

Robert, I hear you.

But I feel like you're not even
considering Stevie's badonkadonk.

You are going to make
the New Lear look bad.

Do you really wanna kill
your community theater career

over a badonkadonk?

[groans]

It's a classic Sophie's Choice.

But more relatable.

I may have a way we can salvage this.

How?

I invoke Prima Nocta!

- What?
- Prima Nocta.

The ancient theater tradition
of disputing a role through sing-off.

Is that...?

Are you doing Braveheart?

It's a theater tradition. Look it up.

Okay.

Okay, I made it up!
Look, I deserve this role.

Give me a chance to prove myself
and we'll let the crowd decide.

Prima Canticum!

Right of first song.

[groans]

Fine, we can do your sing-off thingy.

But if I lose that badonkadonk...

God help you.

It's a sing-off!

[all cheering]

All you need to do
is apologize for the punch

and I'll sign whatever form
this sad sack brought and we can move on.

Why would I apologize?

Because this whole thing began
when you pulled my hair.

That is not where this all began.

Oh, right. It began when you stole my job.

I'm sorry, you mean the job
you were offered first

but then turned down?

You knew Say Grace was my domain.

But in typical Mallory fashion,
you had to butt in.

I'm surprised you didn't put up
a dog fence to keep me out.

- What the hell are you talking about?
- When we were kids.

You would have friends over,

you would keep me from playing with you
with Jeffrey's old dog fence.

The only way I could get past

was by singing that stupid
"Brianna Is Great" song.

Honestly, I got nothing.

How did it go?

Seriously?

[sighs]

♪ Brianna is great, she can't be beat ♪

♪ If I was Brianna, that would be neat ♪

You're fucking with me.

I am, yes.

- [tapping on glass]
- Is there any chance I could come inside?

I won't hit anything.

I won't hit on anyone.

[both] No!

That?

That is how I felt my whole life.

You always kept me out.

I just wanted you to leave
me and my friends alone.

They always ended up liking you better.

- Really?
- Why couldn't you find your own friends?

I had my own friends.

But what I really wanted
was to be with you.

I wanted to be on your side of the fence.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I did block you out,
and that must have felt shitty.

[groans]

Thank you.

And I'm sorry that I punched you.

Now can we figure out a way
to get on the same damn side?

Honestly?

I don't know.

What?

I thought we were good.

We are, it's just...

when Mom gave me the company...

Brianna, I get it.

- It's your company.
- No. Mal, listen.

When she gave it to me,

she told me that I could never have
someone else as a boss.

I had to be the boss.

I don't think this is gonna work.

What are you saying?

I'm saying

I think I should quit.

No. No. Don't be crazy.

We're gonna find a way
to make this work. Just...

I don't think we can.

Mom was right.

I quit.

Is that really what you want?

It is.

I'll be fine. I've...

got Barry.

He's got thousands of dollars
worth of action figures.

I think I need to find my next thing.

Hey.

If you're really gonna leave,

at least let me fire you
so you can get severance and stuff.

Really?

Of course,

I will need you to sing
the "Mallory Is Great" song first.

Good one.

♪ Mallory is great, she can't be beat ♪

♪ If I were Mallory, that would be neat ♪

Okay.

Brianna...

you're fired.

Thank you.

- [tapping on glass]
- [Dan] Whoa!

Did I do it?

I fixed it?

[Dan laughs]

[Frankie] All right. Gracias.

Um... [clears throat] Hey, no pressure.

Everything's totally cool.

But could you maybe hang a uey
and get us out of here?

You don't think that'll arouse
even more suspicion?

Unless these two gals have Bonida,

we're going to jail.

- [shouts]
- What?

Follow the rainbow!

Frankie, this is no time
for a Skittles break.

No, you fool. That's "taste the rainbow."

The rainbow bumper sticker.

It's a sign! It's what Elsbeth predicted!

But what does it mean?

We're gonna switch cars.

Mix it up.

What?

The Border Patrol is on the lookout
for two older women,

not two older couples.

Look at these two.

We'll look totally natural.

Can I interest you in some Skittles?

They're tropical.

What a lovely man-bag.

It's called a purse.

Yeah.

My name's Jennifer Nightingale,
by the way.

Real estate is my game.

Apartments, condos, farms.

I sold a zoo once.

Anyways, you got any Skittles in here?

Skittles? No.

I'm an old man.

I'll just take a Werther's, then.
[chuckles]

♪ Stick with me, baby
I'm the fella you came in with ♪

Amazing.

Not a hint of embarrassment
or self-awareness.

♪ Luck be a lady ♪

I've never seen anything like it.

♪ Luck be a lady ♪

He's got an ass like a Summerset peach.

♪ Luck be a lady ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

- Ha!
- [Peter] Yes!

That was excellent!

Bravo, Stevie!

Clap, you basics.

God.

- [all applauding]
- [Peter] Jealous. You're all jealous.

Good work, Stevie.

I loved it.

You better kill it up there
or we're screwed.

Got a secret weapon. I can sing.

♪ They call you Lady Luck ♪

♪ But there is room for doubt ♪

I'm sorry.

Sorry, everyone.

Let's try that again, shall we?
[clears throat]

♪ They call you Lady Luck ♪

♪ But there is room for doubt ♪

You know what?

We just heard that song.

Isn't there another one
you could do, Robert?

Of course.

You know "Summer Wind"?

This takes me back to the summer of '66.

♪ The summer wind ♪

♪ Came blowing in ♪

♪ From across the sea ♪

♪ It lingered there ♪

♪ To touch your hair ♪

♪ And walk with me ♪

♪ All summer long ♪

♪ We sang this song ♪

♪ As we strolled that golden sand ♪

♪ Two lovers ♪

♪ And the summer wind ♪

Here you go.

Thank you very much.

Whoo!

Whoo!

- I'm just happy to be getting home.
- Ah.

Well, now that we made it,
time to be honest.

You ladies are smuggling drugs,
aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we are.

Funny! Us too.

- What?
- Yup.

It's in the other car.

You mean, you're smuggling Bonida?

Well, sure.

- If Bonida is what you call six kilos of...
- Cocaine?

Jesus!

Why don't you just tell
the whole world, Jennifer?

Oh, my God.

- [line ringing]
- [cell phone chiming]

Oh, my God.

Fuck!

["Down in Mexico" playing]

♪ Down in the Mexicali ♪

♪ There's a crazy little place
That I know ♪

♪ Where the drinks are hotter
Than the chili sauce ♪

♪ And the boss is a cat named Joe ♪

♪ He wears a red bandanna ♪

♪ Plays a cool piano ♪

♪ In a honky-tonk ♪

♪ Down in Mexico ♪

♪ He wears a purple sash ♪

♪ And a black mustache ♪

♪ In a honky-tonk ♪

♪ Down in Mexico ♪

♪ Well, the first time... ♪