Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 15 - The Fake Funeral - full transcript

♪ Well, I don't know why
I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feeling
That something ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪

♪ Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Yes, Jerry, I'm calling
about the ice sculpture for my funeral.

I understand you left it outside,
but I can't find it.



Joan-Margaret,
did you see anything outside?

No, just a big bucket of water.

Nope, we didn't see anything,
but we'll keep looking.

- Bye.
- Yes?

Oh, damn it.

Mountain Dew says no.
They're not going to sponsor your funeral.

- Well, where are we with Mr. Pibb?
- We're trading calls.

Frankie, dust off your toilet cape.
We are back in the toilet game.

Oh, my God, you finally heard back
from Toidy-toi Toilets?

Not only did I hear back, we have
a meeting with the CEO tomorrow at 3 p.m.

Oh, no can do.
That's the same time as my funeral.

This is our last chance.
He flies back to Tokyo tomorrow night.

Well, you can't go either,
you're my maid of honor.

This is a real thing.
That's an insane thing.



So I'm feeling we cancel the insane thing.

But I'm dying on Thursday.

- You are not dying on Thursday.
- I am!

And if you don't believe it,
could you just go along with it,

because I'm your best friend.

Frankie, I have gone along with it.

For three months I have placated you,

I have taken you to the doctor,
I even tried to find your murderer.

And you failed.

- And he or she is still at large.
- This is just ridiculous.

I am not gonna miss a meeting with
the most important toilet man in the world

for a fake fucking funeral.

How could you not come
to my fake fucking funeral?

I will come to your real funeral,
but I am going to this meeting, by myself.

You can't go by yourself.

Who will spice it up
with hilarious sound effects?

Hopefully no one,
since it's a business meeting.

Well, we'll have a better time
without you anyway.

A funeral is no place for a buzzkill.

The mother gazelle
can only watch as the lions and hyenas

appear to put their differences
aside to kill her calf.

Good Lord.

Robert, ready to go?

Hmm?

- Go where?
- Your doctor's appointment.

You didn't forget, did you?

- I don't have a doctor's appointment.
- Sure you do.

You told me to make an appointment
to check on your blood pressure,

your memory, your cholesterol.

You thought
that was gonna work, didn't you?

Thought what was gonna work?
I'm just being super normal.

You almost had me. But I'm not going.

You got sloppy, kid.

Why on earth
would I wanna check my cholesterol

when everyone knows it's terrible?

That's so weird.

Because I thought...

So weird.

Sol, you tried to gaslight a man
whose favorite movie is Gaslight.

Oh, God, how could I have forgotten?

Perhaps your memory needs checking.

I'm sorry, but you have to admit
yours has gotten worse.

I'll do no such thing.

I don't want you
to be embarrassed at the funeral.

You're worried that
I'll be embarrassed at the funeral

for a woman who's not even dying?

That's rich.

And just for that,
you-know-who is coming to the party.

No.

Yep!

Party Robert.

I thought you retired Party Robert in '87.

I'm bringing him back
to show you I'm as sharp as ever.

I'll wow everybody with my old stories
just like I did on that Ireland trip

where Party Robert was born.

You know, you don't have
to be Party Robert.

You can just be Regular Robert.

Or even better, Quiet Robert.

- Party Robert in the house tonight!
- It's tomorrow.

Never correct Party Robert.

Here. You should take the bread maker.

Just too many painful memories.

Are you sure?

I mean, I do love the smell
of fresh bread.

And I want you to have
that smell in your new life.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Did we ever use the bread maker?

Oh.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry. How are you?

I'm fine. I'm just...

I just want you to know
that I am here for you.

Oh, thank you.

That means a great deal.

Your support means everything.

- I'm gonna go pack up my Legos.
- Yeah.

What? I haven't had a chance
to talk to him since you guys broke up.

I wanted to make sure he was okay.

I mean, having to choose
between you and his own daughter? Come on.

He was the one who went back on our deal.

Oh, don't get me wrong,
I am firmly Team Brianna.

Thank you.

It's just sad that he spent
so much time in a relationship

that was never right for him.

And you too!

You know what would go with those?
The silver tea set.

Would you like it? I just know
how much you like shiny things.

Wow. Are you sure?
I feel like I'm taking you for a ride.

You keep giving me
all the expensive things...

It's just really important to me that
we're not those people

who fight over stuff.

- You know?
- Totally.

I'll go get it.

Thanks.

- Hey, Barry? Come here.
- Yeah?

Okay. Brianna
is screwing you big-time, all right?

She's giving you all the
high-priced items that no one ever uses,

so she can have
the practical stuff you use every day.

No, that can't be right.

Look at this amazing
electric soufflé maker she's leaving me.

The last time you made a soufflé?

- Oh, my God, she's screwing me.
- Yeah.

I'll make you a list
of all the things you need.

- But I get to keep the sushi bazooka?
- Jesus, Barry.

This is a hard one.

Mom?

- Are you okay?
- Oh, totally.

I'm just a little stoned.

You wanted to see us?

We have to have a serious talk.

Here, sit.

As you know, I am dying on Thursday.

- Is that still happening?
- Yes.

And boys, you must promise me
when I am gone,

you will always look out for each other.

Of course, Mom.

Can we stop talking
about you dying, please?

No. And now it's time
to discuss your inheritance.

Bud, I leave you...

permission.

Excuse me?

I leave you permission.

To liquidate your half of the beach house?

No, that's going to Grace.

And you keep ruining the moment
so I have to say it a third time.

I leave you...

permission.

Okay.

Um... Thanks.

And, Coyote, I leave you the entirety
of my earthly estate.

- What?
- You're leaving him everything?

Not everything. I leave you...

Permission. Yes. Yes. Yes, I heard.

And both of you boys should feel free
to use your inheritances as you see fit.

Yeah. I will.

Mine's a word.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Permission.

Mrs. Hanson?

- I'm Youko, Mr. Fujibayashi's right-hand.
- How do you do?

He's really looking forward
to meeting you and Mrs. Bergstein.

Oh, um...

- I'm afraid Frankie couldn't make it.
- Oh, no. Is she sick?

Well, she's not well.

- This might be a problem.
- Why?

Mr. Fujibayashi was quite taken
with her on Shark Tank.

And while he respects
your business acumen,

what really interests him
is meeting the team of Grace and Frankie.

I'll reschedule.

But don't worry,
he'll be back next spring.

Yeah. Oh, no, no.
No. We need to do this now.

And, um, the truth is...

I'm both members of the team.

- Both members?
- Yes. I write the material.

It's like Simon & Garfunkel.

You know, Simon wrote
and Garfunkel is a zero.

He has the voice of an angel.
"Bridge Over Troubled Water"?

Well, yes, but my point is,
Mr. Fujibayashi will not be disappointed

to meet with the team of Grace.

I'm in here.

Mourners, welcome. Eat up!

First, I drink up.

You came to this sober? Rookie.

We've got Del Taco coming

and a frozen yogurt bar
with a casket full of toppings.

I can't believe
Frankie's making us do this.

It's rude to speak ill of the dead
when they're standing right there.

Frankie, I'm so sorry
for your loss of you.

It's no biggie. I'll be back.

If a cow moos at you funny,
just say hello.

Oh, you look good.

- That's 'cause I'm Party Robert today.
- Oy.

Thank God. Somebody needs
to liven up these stiffs.

It's like they've never been
to a funeral before.

Hey.

- Okay. Whoa.
- Yeah. I heard about everything.

And I just want to say I can't imagine
how hard this must be for Barry.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I've been thinking about
the little guy nonstop.

He's like seven feet tall.

His heart is for sure.

And, um, I don't have a cell phone
right now for reasons beyond my control,

um, but when you see him next,

can you give him this number
and tell him to call me?

Thank you.

- Hey.
- Oh, no.

Coyote told me everything.
Do you know if Barry has a good therapist?

My guy is great,
but he is kind of expensive.

Oh, you know, it'd be a nice gesture
if you offered to pay for it.

Uh, excuse me?

I just feel like when you break something,
you should pay for it.

You really still talking?

- Are you guys talking Barry?
- I'm worried sick about the little guy.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm a little guy too.

You...

bitches.

I have to take it all in.

This is the first of my last meals.
Subcategory, "A Taste of the Asiatic."

Darling, stop torturing yourself.

No fork. Ever.

I will not insult the Chinese people
and the noodles.

There's only one good thing
about dying young.

I will never become
a sad, old mangled loser

who uses a fork for noodles.

J-M, let's get this funeral party started.

Everybody outside!

Well, that's a nice touch.

Why the conch shell?

I guess she felt things
weren't annoying enough.

Welcome everyone to Frankie's funeral.

And remember, darlings,

you can't spell "funeral"
without the word "fun."

Now before we head to the beach,

you should know,
you're all required to do a eulogy.

What?

And no pressure, but these will be
the last words I'll ever hear.

So, make it poignant, funny,
heartfelt, and haunting.

Hmm. That's an easy target to hit.

You will each be given 12 minutes.

You are welcome to go over,
and you are forbidden to go under.

- Permission not to do this?
- Denied.

Yeah, hi.
I don't really know you that well.

Dig deep.

This is fun!

So, in closing, we believe that
the combination of our idea

and your technology will finally usher in

a new age of toilets for seniors.

Oh.

Are there any questions?

Very impressive, Mrs. Hanson.

It was a lot of compelling numbers.
And one... "boi-oi-oing."

Thank you. Thank you.

Please.

Your product seems to be
a great match for our brand.

You and Mrs. Bergstein could be very
valuable to our business in the U.S.,

perhaps globally.

So, can I call you "partner"?

You know,
a successful business relationship

starts with a strong foundation.

Shared trust.

Are you aware of
the Japanese tradition of nomikai?

Sure.

Sharing drinks with friends, colleagues,
potential business partners...

Ah. So, you will join me and my team
for a little sake?

Well, if by "a little sake,"
you really mean "a lot of sake."

It seems you are more fun
than you appear to be.

Didn't get that from my "boi-oi-oing"?

I can't wait to hear what you pick
for your karaoke song.

Now, please excuse me.

Um...

He's not serious
about the karaoke stuff, right?

He's very serious.
It's his favorite thing.

Right.

There's not enough sake in San Diego
to get me up there alone, singing.

I don't even sing in the shower.

Here's the thing: karaoke
is very important to Mr. Fujibayashi.

To him, it's about humbling yourself
in front of the team.

Right, well, I don't like to brag,
but I'm pretty humble already.

So, maybe I could drink extra?

I'm afraid he'll perceive you not doing it
as putting yourself above the team.

- And that's not good?
- That's bad.

Oh, fuck me.

We don't have all day, people.

The woman is expiring tomorrow.

It's hard to write a eulogy
with you standing over me

screaming at me to write a eulogy.

Some comedian.

Hey, why don't you do all the speeches?

You get everything.
You should get all the speeches too.

Oh, I get it. You're mad at me
about my inheritance.

You know, it's like Dad used to say:
It's fair, it's just not equal.

Yeah, well, he also invested
in something called Betamax,

so you fucking tell me.

I think talking about this
on the day Mom's dying is disgusting.

Mom's not dying today,
she's dying tomorrow.

You don't know anything.

That's lovely, darling.

Not that.

Why are we even doing this?
Grace should be doing the eulogy.

Why isn't she here? It's weird.

Hey, Mom, where's Grace?

Obviously, she's someplace else.
I guess she couldn't be bothered.

Now get back to writing
damned adorable things about me!

Not that.

You've reached Frankie.
I'll get back to you.

Unless it's after Thursday.

In that case, look up to the sky
and wait for a sign.

Frankie, pick up your damn phone already!

You know I can't get up there
and sing without you.

And we have a chance to make this deal.
But only if you get down here quickly.

You know, I've stalled as long as I can.

I'm parked outside the bar
and they think I'm lost.

Frankie, um, I know I broke
your karaoke machine, but I will...

Oh, shit, I just remembered
I blamed my grandson for that.

Well, Frankie,
I promise I'll get you a new one,

but only if you can get down here right...

- Oh, I found it.
- Yeah.

My grandson broke my GPS.

- Well, it worked.
- Yeah.

- Let's go karaoke.
- Yeah. I'll be right there.

We need to all go in together.

Hey. It's all the store had left.

- What are you doing here?
- You asked me to come.

I didn't mean it.

- Fine. I'll leave then.
- No. You can't leave now.

I'll look like the asshole
who told you to leave.

- You are telling me to leave.
- But now I'm telling you to stay.

In fact, I need you to do me a favor.

Convince everybody that you've been doing
really well since the breakup.

Why?

Because nobody is asking me how I am
and it's bullshit.

If they think you're doing great,
I will maybe get a few crumbs of sympathy.

Fine. But I'm getting the everyday plates.

Fine.

- Is the kitchen okay for this? Okay.
- Yes.

Dearly beloved, Frankie will not be dead
as long as she is alive in our hearts.

And here on this beach. Right over there.

So she's trying to extend
the crosswalk time

to let older people
actually make it across.

But she's on the verge of failure
until Grace shows up and saves the day.

I actually know Grace better than Frankie.

Thank God she's still with us.

She is still with us, right?

Oh, Christ.

So, Frankie comes up with the most
brilliant idea for a vibrator...

Shit, that was Grace.

Oh, fuck you.

Frankie, Frankie, Frankie.

I think we've all realized something today
about this amazing woman...

That it's impossible to think about her
without thinking about Mom too.

Oh, fucking try!

Okay!

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Well, I remember when they, um...

They?

They?

Come on, get off of here.

Frankie!

Did all of you not get the memo
that this was my funeral?

One of you must have a story
about Frankie without Grace.

Oh, come on!

I'm not just part of a duo.

I have a solo career too.

Like the guy with the great voice
who left Journey.

The new guy is fantastic.

Somebody left Journey?

The hot little Filipino fella?

Anybody? Anything?

Oh, oh! Wait!

No.

How is it that after everything I've done,

every memory you have of me is with Grace?

When did I become a sidekick
to my own life?

You do realize
I've been painting for years.

I did that without Grace, didn't I?

Anybody have any painting stories?

Painting is solitary.
It's not a rich area.

You know, I do remember
this wonderful painting you did

of this woman who looked like Dracula,

drinking a martini, and she...

Allison, don't you want to stop
telling that story?

Why?

You know what, I'm out of here.

And I mean, I am out here,

but first, I'm out of here.

And I understand this is confusing.

Where are you going?

To paint something that's not Grace.

Oh. It was a painting of Grace.

Shit.

Hey, thanks so much for telling everyone
you're doing okay with the breakup.

Ah. Did it work?

Not really. Apparently, everybody
just likes you better than me.

That's a surprise?

I mean, our couple name was "Barry."

Anyways, I appreciate it.

And I know it's hard to pretend
like everything is fine.

Actually...

it wasn't that hard.

Oh. Okay.

- Why, though?
- Because I wasn't pretending.

I am fine.

Aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

Like, yeah.

Totally.

I'm better than fine, even.

I mean, I'm actually kind of relieved.

I can spend time with Molly without
worrying what you're gonna think.

Maybe I'll have another kid.

It just feels right for me.

Good.

Good.

And look at you, you're doing great.
You know?

You're 41 years young,
got the whole world ahead of you.

You don't have a job,
so you can do... anything.

It's a fresh start.

I'm so excited about my future.

You should be.

Oh.

Sorry, I gotta take this. It's work.

I'm not as free as you.

Hey.

Yeah.

What's up?

- Wait.
- What?

I got it.

- A story about Mom.
- No Grace? Are you sure?

Yep. No. Nothing to do with Grace.

It's about how Mom changed my whole life.

Last year she asked me to come over
to help her move something.

You know, a box of vibrators,
a toilet, the usual.

And then I saw this portrait
that she had painted

of this unbelievably beautiful woman.

I was totally blown away.

Then that woman showed up,
and I've been in love with her ever since.

And now we're getting married.

Never would have happened without Mom.

And I don't know if you even know this,

but one night, Frankie pulled me aside
and told me she planned that whole thing.

She was trying to get us together.

- What?
- God.

Great story.

What's your problem now?

I just found out that Mom gave you
my ex-girlfriend even.

You're gonna be mad about that?

So who ends up saving us from that bear?

It was Sonia,
our waitress from Dottie's Cafe.

It turns out her father was a Belarusian
bear tamer from Smolensk.

How's that for my memory, mister?

I don't know if any part
of that story is true,

but you remembered it beat for beat.

Okay, you two are adorbs.

And Party Robert? Come on!

How did you manage to bag
such an unbelievable gem?

I don't know if I'd call him a gem.
Have you seen him act?

Oh, please.

I can see we're gonna be friends.

No, thank you.

I got very lucky.

If you really wanna know the story
of how Sol and I got together, settle in.

It was a beautiful East Coast spring day.

Yes, it was.

We were in New Haven, Connecticut.

We were at a bar on the pier,
and I remember Sol had just dressed down

this rude waiter.

He was drinking a martini
with extra olives.

Uh, Robert, they don't need to hear...

I will never forget it.

The azure sky brought out
those beautiful blue eyes.

And I can still see that green shirt
with the popped collar...

That must be where Grace got it from.

- Robert.
- What?

I think you are mixing things up.

Weren't you and Sol at a hotel
in New York?

I seem to remember a kiss on an elevator?

Oh, my God. Sol.

No, no, it's fine.

A senior moment.

Did anyone watch the sports yesterday?

I didn't, but I hear people do.

That was your shot, kid.

♪ Sweet Caroline ♪

♪ Bah, bah, bah ♪

♪ I believe they never could ♪

♪ Oh, no, no ♪

- ♪ Sweet Caroline ♪
- ♪ Bah, bah ♪

Eat my dust, Neil Diamond!

I'll give you 50 bucks if you'll burn
the place to the ground.

You're next.

Oh, I just remembered, I have a thing.

How about I call you tomorrow?

Grace.

I am excited about your toilet

and I'm excited to hear your song.

- Let's go back to the toilet.
- After the song.

I like the other order.

Oh, come on.

Everyone has done it.

You can't be worse than Youko.

Thank you, sir.

Let's welcome to the stage
our favorite new American.

Grace!

Grace!

Grace!

- Grace! Grace! Grace!
- No. Mr. Fujibayashi...

I respect you and your company

and your rendition
of "Sweet Caroline," but I can't.

- You must.
- No.

No. I really can't.

My worst nightmare is singing
in front of people.

Me too.

Isn't this fun?

Your turn.

Do you not understand?
I can't fucking do it!

It is frowned upon in Japanese culture

to disrespect
a potential business partner.

Yeah. We have that here too.

It's the first story without Grace.

I'll just go up there and tell her
she has to come down

to hear Coyote's great story about her.

- Well, shouldn't Coyote do it?
- Wanna split it down the middle?

Or do you want to take the whole story?

- It's my story.
- Actually, it's our story.

Right. Right.

So, how about you and I go?

I'm going.

I'm giving myself permission to go talk
to the woman who gave me permission.

Do you technically have permission?

She hasn't passed away yet.

♪ It's been so long now ♪

♪ I know I should forget you ♪

♪ But I ought to let it lie ♪

♪ But I'm bound to wonder ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ No matter how I try ♪

♪ There you are ♪

♪ There you are ♪

♪ There you are ♪

♪ First a knock and then a crash ♪

♪ And a staggering conviction ♪

♪ That I might not catch up ♪

♪ Like all the colors ♪

♪ Running down a portrait ♪

♪ And now it looks nothing like ♪

♪ The one I fell in love with ♪