Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Rescue - full transcript

♪ Well, I don't know
Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin'
That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

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Okay, you sad sack. On your feet.

Today's the day.

We are doing it.

I got Platinum passes for Six Flags.

No, they still got my picture up
from when I pretended to be a war hero.

I see. And may I ask
why you're eating noodles with tongs?

More noods per scoop, brah.

You're having
a complete nervous breakdown.

It's not complete
until I stop wearing pants.

Uh-oh.

What do bike shorts mean?

Perhaps it's time we called Grace.



No, I can't.

I've got to get used to being on my own,

and Grace has got to get used
to being married.

We said we weren't gonna call each other
about every little thing.

Well, then, you need
to snap yourself out of this.

Did you read that book I gave you,
You Need to Snap Yourself Out of This?

Oh, yeah, that bullshit about how the way
you live can affect your mental health?

Well, it really helped me
when I was a person of interest

in my husband's death.

I mean, the author, Dana Morino,

is a genius.

Where is the book?

I think we both know I lost it.

Oh, God.

One, two, three.

Oh.

- What's that, honey?
- Oh.

Hi, sailor.

Come here often?

Only when I'm not avoiding my wife.

Why don't I take the day off?

We'll go see Jurassic Park.
I can have the plane ready in an hour.

Why would we fly somewhere
to watch a movie?

Movie?

You know, honestly, I was...

I was kind of looking forward
to settling into a routine

after Vegas and Bora Bora
and that weird half-day in Boise.

I had to take you
to my favorite Ruth's Chris.

You should go to work.

But I... I will take a hug.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's good.
- Mmm.

Someone's a little clingy this morning.

Well, can you blame me?

Here's an exciting thought.
How about a night at home? I'll cook.

True story, I've never once had
a home-cooked meal.

And I'll do you one better.
We'll invite Keith.

- Keith who?
- Skolka.

- Keith Skolka?
- Your son.

Oh, God. Keith?

Well, you know my daughters.
I don't know your son at all.

Funny thing is,
I don't even really know him very well.

But from what I hear
around the office, he's...

You know, he's what you'd call
a "small doses" guy.

Well, it's happening.

You've seen my family
in all its dysfunctional glory.

- Now it's your turn.
- How can I argue with that?

Should we say tomorrow?

Fine. I'll figure out
where his desk is and tell him.

Good boy.

Nick, we need to leave five minutes ago

if we're gonna make this meeting
with Matsuhashi.

Hi, Grace. Congratulations, by the way.

Thank you, Miriam.
What happened to your arm?

Oh, nothing too exciting.

I hurt it playing with Pete Sampras.

You play tennis with Pete Sampras?

No.

Come on. Move it or lose it, buster.
You've got a schedule to keep.

What would he do without you?

Go to prison for many, many years.

I have done some stuff. Shall we?

Yeah. I'll call us a cab.

Can you imagine?

No. The helicopter's waiting on the roof.

- Come on, let's go. Bye, Grace.
- Bye.

A cab.

Oh.

See, I think if we amortize
our four-point-seven...

Let's just call it a five.

If we amortize that surplus
from last quarter

to cover the current gaps in production,
well, I just...

I think we're gonna see
some pretty spectacular

end-of-the-year fiscal projections.

I mean, I'm...

I'm talking...

At best, mind you. I mean, at best a...

point-zero-eight-four percent bump
in variable revenue stream facilitation.

Boom.
How do you like them bananas?

Brianna?

Brianna!

Wow. Barry, you just put me
right the fuck out.

- Surprise, Erin and Liz are here!
- Hey.

And you just showed up without calling,
so 1993.

Sorry, I wanted to call,
but Liz said there was no time.

Oh, no, Erin, did you decide not to have
the baby, and I'm free from this?

Oh, I decided not to have the baby,

but you're not free from this
because now Liz is.

Wait, what?

So this one decided to choose
smoking cigarettes over carrying a baby,

so now it's me.

And I am ovulating
like a Civil War cannon.

Well, let's get you pregnant,
General Grant.

Okay. And that's my cue.

Okay, um...

So tomorrow, at the Margera Hotel,
we booked two rooms.

Check-in is at 3:00.

And we will have a fruit plate
and some trail mix waiting.

- Oh.
- And then you'll, well, you know...

- Masturbate into a bowl.
- Yeah.

- It's a yogurt dish.
- Right, right.

And then our friend Jenny
will take your deposit

and deliver it to us in our room.

Guys.

Hi.

I couldn't help but listen in horror.
Who is Jenny and why?

- Uh, she's our middleman-slash-runner.
- Yeah, no one wants to see Barry

- all flushed and sweaty.
- Mm-mm.

Uh, you mean dewy and triumphant.

Jenny is straight?

She is, despite our best efforts.

And since you didn't want to do it...

Yeah.

She wears a lot of Lululemon or...

- She looks great in Lululemon.
- Mmm.

I'm your runner, ladies.

Hey.

Sol, are you quite ready?

Coming!

The first challenge in researching
what to do for our honeymoon

was narrowing it down
into four categories:

Getting away from it all,

learning adventure,

feeling good because we're doing good,
and rumpus, general.

- Robert, where are your materials?
- I don't need materials.

I have researched exhaustively

and am prepared to deliver
my opening remarks.

Shall we begin?

Okay.

- Boat.
- Excuse me?

Boat. Bobby wants a boat trip.

Yes, well, I know you fancy yourself
a man of the sea...

Thank you.

But I've got a few things in these binders
that you're going to want to explore.

What about Gettysburg?

Perfect! We'll sail there.

Think about it, Sol. We can go anywhere.

Sail through the Panama Canal if we want.
Just you, me, and the deep blue sea.

I don't know.
I think it's asking for trouble.

How is it asking for trouble?

What about your health?
Your heart attack was only four years ago.

Please, I'm as healthy as a boat.

Why are you so against this?

Because the ocean
is no place for a person.

What if you suddenly need
to get out of the boat?

And how do they stay afloat, the boats?

Wait. Sometimes they don't.

But that's just a myth
propagated by the airline industry.

Sol, what is going on with you?

I can't swim, okay?
So we can't go on a boat trip,

because if I fall off,
I'm sinking into a watery grave.

Oh, Sol, honey,

if you find yourself having to swim
on a sailing trip, you're already dead.

Television on. Steel Magnolias.

Playing Steel, starring Shaquille O'Neal.

Whatever. Do what you want. You always do.

Frankie, meet Dana.

Dana, meet Frankie,

a shell of her former self.

Oh, good. I was hoping
to meet new people today.

Come in. I was just about to watch
my third-favorite Shaq movie.

I hired Dana for the day.

She's here to whip
your sorry ass into shape.

Okay, you can stop helping now,
Joan-Margaret.

Frankie, I want to help you
get your house in order.

I mean, clean house, healthy mind.
Will you let me help you?

It may not look like it
to the untrained eye,

but I have a very carefully curated system
going on here.

Okay. So, can you tell me
what your credit card is doing

stuck to your back with a piece of gum?

That's where I keep my credit card.

But I will thank you for finding my gum.

Frankie, be a good girl, won't you?
I paid good money for today.

Oh, about that.
Uh, your check bounced, so if we could...

Bye, girls!

Look, I know you're having
a hard time right now.

And I totally understand
your resistance to this process.

I've seen it a million times.

But I promise you that
by the end of the day, you'll feel better.

All right.

The whole place, I guess,
needs to be vacuumed.

So your first job will be
to find the vacuum.

I'll be right here if you need me.
Just tell me if the TV's too loud.

Frankie, I am not a maid,
and I am not your mother.

And I have already been paid, sort of.

You're doing this with me,
and it's going to hurt.

Now, what in God's name are these?

Because I love them.

- Really?
- No, they're horrible.

If I had my gun, I'd shoot them.

Oh, hey, Grace, don't mind me.
I'm just in and out.

Oh, hey, you.

I-I just had to grab this file
I need for tomorrow.

I'm so sorry,
I keep barging in on you like this.

No problem.
I'm used to being barged in on.

Not used to the apology.
That's refreshing.

Boundaries, right?

Oh, yes. Boundaries,
they're, like, my whole thing.

Well, boundaries and fen-phen.

God bless you.

I had a roommate who once used
my underpants as a napkin.

So, this is nice.

Come and have a glass of wine with me.

Oh, I'd love to, but I can see
you're getting ready to eat dinner.

- I don't want to intrude.
- Nonsense. Sit.

Okay.

Thanks.

I've always liked you, Miriam.

I'd... I'd like to...

I'd like to get to know you better.

Well, very few people know me, Grace.

I love that.

So give me a... give me a taste.
Are you seeing anyone?

Oh, no, no.

Boyfriends have an annoying habit
of becoming husbands,

and I'm not going down that road again
anytime soon.

And kids?

Just my son.

Oh.

I want to know more. Hold that thought.

Keith, welcome.
I'm so glad we can do this.

Me too. I brought bread. Hey, Mom.

Keith, I don't even like my own kids
to call me "Mom."

Hello, sweetheart.

Hey, Miriam...

and Keith are here together!

Nick!

Oh. Excuse me.

- Hey, so this is super weird.
- Did you guys know it was Comic-Con?

No, but that explains the drunk Spider-Man
passed out on our lawn this morning.

A lot of lonely boys in latex.

Most of these costumes are probably
actually a spandex-cotton blend.

You know, they wish they had latex.

To our rooms!

Good luck, Barry.

- Thanks again, Brianna.
- Yeah, no sweat.

Shuffling around a glass bowl of spunk
amidst a sea of doughy Captain Americas

is definitely not an actual,
real nightmare I've had.

Milady.

- What?
- Wait, wait, wait.

Did new-Mom not know
that old-Mom is my mom?

No, she definitely did not.

Oh, new-Mom's not gonna like this.

Can we pump the brakes
on the "new-Mom" talk?

Thank you, Keith.
I see you've brought bread.

It's for dinner.

Why am I not surprised
that you didn't tell her?

What's that supposed to mean?

I think it's supposed to mean
you got a new...

Once again, thank you, Keith.

I'm so sorry, Grace. I assumed you knew.

No reason to be sorry.

In fact, why don't you join us for dinner?

I made a roast.

Oh, Grace, that's so weird
of you to offer,

but you know what,
I really should be going.

I insist.

I wanted to have a lovely evening
getting to know my husband's family,

and here you all are.

Honey, are you sure you wouldn't...?

I made a roast!

Hey, Frankie.

I need you to give me three good reasons

why we should keep this Happy Meals prize
from 1988.

It's a collector's item.

He swivels.

And we almost named Coyote "Hamburglar"

but ultimately decided that was
a ridiculous name for a child.

Okay, but-but-but where would be
a good place for it?

The floor?

- But I know that's not right.
- Mmm.

Hey, how about this?

So, what about these Welding Woman
magazines from the 1970s on?

Do we need all of these?

Y-Yes.

Do you weld?

Not as such, no.

So these are crazy, right?

I suppose.

Would you stop struggling?

Good Lord,
how many necklaces do you need?

Some of these are belts.

And who is this, please?

Nobody.

- Hey.
- Good job!

Done early with plenty of time to spare.

And spare we shall.

I'm rolling a particularly hearty joint.

- Care for a sip?
- No, thanks.

But I, uh... I did see
a freezer full of vodka,

and I am a sucker for a dry martini.

And I'm a sucker for a gal
who's a sucker for a dry martini.

Hmm.

Under. Reach. Good.

Reach. Big elbows.

Reach. Scoop. Great.

Scoop. Reach as far as you can reach...

I was snack mom today.

- My compliments. I love string cheese.
- Yeah, so does my Jason.

- He's the one in the red trunks.
- Mmm.

Ugh, he was so nervous,
I had to bribe him to come today.

Hmm. You should've seen mine this morning.

Yeah? Which one's yours?

- Reach.
- The seven-foot-tall 80-year-old man.

Reach. Reach.

Yeah. Over.

Reach. Reach.

Point your toes.

Ballerina kicks.

Like a ballerina.

Ballerina kicks, everyone.

Make bubbles.

Keep kicking.
You're falling behind.

I told you, Kyle,

I only respond to positive reinforcement,

and if you were a good instructor,
you'd know that education

is not monolithic
and that every child learns differently!

Come on, let's go!

I know you can do it.

I'm doing it!

I'm doing it!

Are you walking, sir?

Yes.

Brianna! I told you
we should have brought a go-bag.

All the lotions are scented.
It's like masturbating at a Sephora.

I'm not listening.

And... And what's nice
about this product is...

Hmm.

Hey, did you remember
to bring your soft clothes?

I'm gonna want to cuddle after.

I think we should see other people.

I'm so tired of this conversation.

Hulk is the most powerful mutant
in the Marvel Universe.

Jesus Christ.

You betray yourself, sir. Hulk?

Strongest, sure.

But can he bend time? No.

- Who can? Cable.
- Wha...?

You're both tourists.
It begins and ends with Jean Grey.

It's Franklin Richards! Franklin Richards!

Jesus dang Christ!

Incredible Hulk?
He isn't even an Omega-Level mutant.

Franklin Richards can create
whole universes out of dang nothing!

So y'all pretenders needs to shut it

'cause some of us
are trying to masturbate in here!

Yeah!

- Is everyone enjoying the roast?
- Mmm.

- Delicious.
- Mmm, roast.

Look, our... our marriage
basically meant nothing.

- Less than nothing.
- For sure. Not a happy home.

We were completely wrong for each other.

But you two are such...
great communicators.

Though neither of you
told me you were married.

Would you buy
"I was getting around to it"?

- Pass the peas?
- How long were you married?

Okay, cards on the table...

I totally forget.

Ditto. I mean, long enough
for this to happen.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey-o.

But you guys work so well together.
So why didn't you work so well together?

Well, things tend to fall apart
when you screw the help.

What? Wait...

Nick, my God! Are you kidding me?

Oh, no. No, that was my bad.

Giacomo...

He took me to soccer a bunch.

Giacomo was actually a great guy.

Did Giacomo know
you were married to Miriam?

That's a Miriam question. Keith, the peas?

Okay, well, I think you two
have got a lot of screaming to do.

- So, Keith, let's go.
- I'm still workin' on this roast.

- Move your ass!
- Get the hell out of here!

Thanks for dinner.

Bye.

Well, you're fucked.

Yeah.

It's bad if I throw up in it, right?

Just go.

Okay.

- Careful.
- Okay, okay.

I'm going.

It's actually really authentic. We...

Of course it's a pair of elves.

- I was proud of you today.
- You were?

Of course.

And if this really is
something you cannot do,

then we just won't go
on a boat trip. I'll get over it.

You're a good husband.

So... honeymoon ideas?

How a-boat a European trip?

Robert, you just said "how a-boat."

What is it with you and sailing?

I don't know, I guess it all started
when I saw Grace Kelly and Bing Crosby

on that sailing boat in High Society.
Remember?

It all seemed so glamorous and far away.

And I wanted to be
a part of that world so badly.

Is that why you joined the Navy?

Yes. Being a weatherographer
on the USS Pocono

is about as close as I ever got.

But I still dream about that sailboat.

If it means this much to you,
I'm going to do it.

I'm going to learn to swim.
I'm going to beat this thing.

If you can learn to swim,
I promise you this:

I will stop eating bacon past 10:00 p.m.

Really?

11:00 p.m., yep.

And that's why I'm not welcome back
at Benihana.

Oh, God, I wish I was
a little more like you.

You mean fascinated by knives?

- Oh.
- I think it's cashed.

You know what?
This whole day's been about me.

I feel like I don't know
anything about you.

You're obviously career-oriented.

What else? Kids? A gay husband?
Tell me everything.

Oh, Frankie, I am not in the habit

of talking about my personal life
or feelings.

Not yet. Wait till I open you up.

And that sounded
exactly the way I wanted it to.

What do you want to know?

Okay, we'll start off easy.

- Where are you from?
- Denver.

- Go, Nuggets.
- Mm-hmm.

Are you estranged
from any immediate family members?

I thought you said
we were gonna start off easy.

Well, we did.

There was all that great Denver stuff.

Okay.

Well, I...

I'm kind of on the outs
with my oldest daughter.

We're not speaking.

And that's kind of my area of expertise.

This chick I know, Grace, I basically
taught her how to be a mom, so...

Okay, fine. Here it goes.

So, Katie and I...

Oh, look at that. Our time's up.
That happened fast.

What are you talking about?
We're just getting started.

No, Joan-Margaret only hired me
for eight hours.

I really need to get going.

Oh, I... I guess I just thought...

Frankie, the place looks great.

Look at all we got done in just one day.

So now we party.

No, now I go home and you party.

But I don't know
where any of my things are.

Well, I don't know about you,
but I actually had fun today.

Me, too.

Oh, what the hell. I don't normally
do this with clients, but...

Yes?

Would you mind leaving me
a good review on Yelp?

Oh, yeah, sure. Of course.

I mean, it'll be easy

since you found my phone in the fridge.

It was good meeting you,
Frankie Steinberg.

See ya.

Well, now Keith can't say
I never had dinner with him.

What the hell were you thinking?

Okay. I wasn't thinking.

She's been my business partner
for so long,

I-I'd truly, truly forgotten
we were ever married.

Oh, bullshit. Bullshit.

You can keep saying bullshit,
but it doesn't make it bullshit.

You lied to me.

Okay, fine. You...

You know why I didn't tell you?

Yeah, 'cause you're a coward, and you
didn't want to have to deal with it.

Well, obviously that.

But also, I was worried that you'd
make me fire her. And I need her.

Why would I make you fire her?

Well, you know, old wife, new wife...

I do understand the concept
of a professional relationship.

Of course you do.

Well, then next time,
don't underestimate me

and assume you know
how I'm gonna react.

I won't. I promise.

- Will you do the same thing for me?
- Of course!

Well, I'm...

I'm waiting for you
to not underestimate me about a thing.

A thing.

A couch thing. And...

not being able to get off it.

You noticed?

Yes. I was a person in the room
with all my faculties.

Okay, you know something?
This couch is a death trap, and I hate it.

Okay. Fuck this couch
and the sultan who gave it to me.

Fuck that couch!

The only thing in this house
that means anything to me at all is you.

And my ties.

Oh.

- I really want to make us work.
- Me, too.

So, from now on,

let's tell each other everything.

The Miriams and sore joints and all.
Total honesty.

I never saw The Godfather.

I want a divorce.

Mmm.

Who is it?

Okay, I have some good news
and bad news.

Bad news first, please.

I bumped into some elves,

and I spilled all of your semen
on the ground.

Brianna, you know how hard it is to get
two in a row out of me on a good night.

Did you do this on purpose?

Of course not.

Can you blame me for asking? I mean,
you've never been on board with this.

If I didn't want you to do this,
would I have done this?

Get the bowl.

I love you,
and I know that you can do this.

You're better
than all those stupid eight-year-olds

with their malleable minds
and their supple joints.

You have something they don't have, Sol.

Bigger hands. Use them!

I can do this.

Yes, you can. And I'll be walking
right beside you every stroke of the way.

Godspeed, my love.

I did it!

Robert!

Did you see? I did it!

Robert?

I'm coming. I'll be right there
in a second. Okay.

Fit as a fiddle, eh?

You want to go sailing?
You are getting a physical first.

I went from there to there.

Yes. Yes.

- I went from there...
- Yeah.

- ...to there.
- Yes.

Okay.

One, two, three.

Oh!

Honey, everything okay in there?

Uh...

Actually, Nick...

- Grace?
- Oh.

You okay?

I'm fine, honey.

Okay. I'm leaving for work.
Love you.

Five stars. Great service.

But if you're looking for love,
she's not your gal.

Hey, lover.

♪ Now if you feel that you can't go on ♪

♪ Because all of your hope is gone ♪

♪ And your life is filled with confusion ♪

♪ And happiness is just an illusion ♪

♪ And your world around
Is tumblin' down ♪

♪ Darling, reach out ♪

♪ Reach out ♪

♪ Reach out for me ♪

♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ To love and comfort you ♪

♪ Trust me, baby ♪

- ♪ I'll be there ♪
- ♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ With a love that'll see you through ♪

♪ Now when you're lost
And about to give up ♪

♪ About to give up... ♪

Okay, good night.