Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
I sound pretty good.
You're the Jennifer Holliday
of Tuvan throat singing.
Thanks to your voice,
crops are bigger and better than ever.
I mean...
have you ever seen anything so bulbous?
Well, that's a trick question,
to which I will answer, "perhaps."
You know what? I'm making you dinner.
-You are?
-Yep.
Tomorrow night.
I make a mean veggie tagine.
We can talk about
what varieties to plant next.
I'm thinking Japanese for hardiness.
I would hate for my lube
to lack hardiness.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
This is my favorite part.
Hmm.
Good morning, Grace.
How about a kale smoothie?
Fresh from the farm.
No, thank you. I already didn't drink
the one you gave me yesterday.
Oh, my.
Did all the other fancy ladies get beamed
back up into the mothership without you?
I'm saying goodbye to the old me.
This is a bon voyage party for her
and her country club clothes.
You gonna burn 'em? 'Cause if you don't,
we could make an army
out of business casual scarecrows.
-I'm donating them.
-Good for you.
Bon voyage, tiny pantsuits.
You'll make some
little doll women very happy.
Am I to assume you had another
business meeting with Jacob
or are you returning a ring
to Middle-earth?
I don't know why you wag your eyebrows
when you say "business meeting."
And we are having
a business dinner tomorrow night.
It's not a business dinner.
What do you call
talking about seed varieties
while we eat a tagine
made from surplus vegetables?
It's a date. It's a sad, weird,
hippie date, but it's a date nonetheless.
No, I've seen the way he looks at you.
Oh, you can see that,
but you can't see chemtrails
or all the people who live
under the San Diego river.
Don't you have somewhere to go?
I do and that's why I can't listen to your
romantic notions and chemtrail blather.
-That was you!
-They're real and I'm right.
Oh, jeez.
So, what do you think?
Maybe let the seams out a little?
-Oh, my. Can you sit?
-Let's see.
No. It's a no-go.
I love this suit.
It's from our London trip.
Dad, don't worry,
I know a tailor who can work magic.
This much magic?
He does everything.
Believe me, I have become
quite a fan of the elastic waistband.
Well, I thought with all the weight
I'd lost since the hospital,
I could pull it off.
Now I'm not even sure
I can actually pull it off.
Oh, dear. Uh, hon,
maybe you should hit "end call."
-This won't be pretty.
-OK.
Oh, these are beautiful.
Thank you. This is so generous.
You have no idea how happy I am
to be rid of them.
-Oh.
-Oh. "A Change of A Dress."
I just got it. Oh, that's clever.
Thank you. I had to fight for it.
You hear that, Carol? Another name fan.
Whatever.
- This is really impressive.
- We help a lot of women.
Some come in just to get clothes, but we
also do job placement and mentoring.
Oh.
I will be right back
with your donation receipt.
Hm.
May I?
Of course. Oh, it fits you perfectly.
Not everyone can carry off canary yellow.
We're the lucky ones.
It's not too bright?
I'm interviewing to be a bank teller.
You wear a bright color like that,
you'll be even more memorable.
If you really want to stand out, after
the interview, mail them a thank you note.
It's more personal than a-- than an email.
But the trick is, write it ahead of time
and then slip it in the mailbox
as you leave.
That's a great idea.
I would've never thought of that.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Tell me-- Tell me more
about this mentoring thing.
Oh, of course.
Ta-da!
Wow... It's very vaginal.
I don't mean to toot my own horn,
but I think it's my best work
-since Hitler's Circumcision.
-Mm-hmm.
I don't know if you know,
but Hitler's Circumcision
is in the private collection
of one Mr. Kenny Loggins.
Yes. Who saw it in Sol's office
and bought it on the spot.
I love that story.
The thing is, we want your lube
-in every store in America.
-Yes, yes!
And pubic hair might be
making a comeback,
there's just so very, very much of it.
Alas, our rigid Western
-standards of beauty.
-Yeah.
Still, I do want to be
in every store in America. Ta-da.
OK. Yes, this is closer.
I can't really tell what it is.
Thank you.
I painted this one with my vagina.
You need a long brush
and a very strong pelvic floor.
Brianna, I just--
Sorry. I'll-I'll come back. Oh. Wow.
See? Imagine him walking
around a supermarket looking for...
oat bran. This would catch his eye.
That would definitely catch my eye.
-Frankie, this is Barry, our accountant.
-Barry.
I was just checking if you looked at
my projections for year-end taxes.
Yes, did you, uh, declare
the new emulsifier as a capital expense?
Ah! Angela Merkel.
Why don't you two just
get on the table and do it?
Excuse me?
No seriously,
how long has this been going on?
What-- What is this?
A conversation about tax season?
No. I know what I'm talking about.
-I am an intuitive witch.
-OK.
Thank you, Goody Proctor.
Actually, she wasn't a witch.
Kinda the whole point of The Crucible.
I was in it in high school.
Well, I have to move my car,
I'm in a loading zone.
Uh, good day. No, not "good day," uh...
Obviously, I'll be right back.
How did she know about us?
I don't know, but clearly we need to be
more careful around here.
Or, we could finally... come out?
We've talked about this.
Barry, I'm the boss, you work under me,
and that's a joke everyone will make.
OK, for a minute. Who cares?
Why do we have to tell anyone anything?
Because that's what people
who are dating do.
Why do they do that?
Aren't you sick of staggering
our entrances?
No, I like it.
Or trying not to look at each other
too much during meetings?
Your shirt popped open yesterday
and everyone could see your bra.
And I didn't want you
to flash the whole office,
but I was afraid even acknowledging
you have breasts
would somehow give us away.
I like being with you.
I don't want to hide anymore.
You're right. We will tell everyone.
Thank you.
Eventually.
-Great.
-Eventually.
Yeah, we'll see.
Hey, you guys!
Barry from Accounting and I are doing it.
On the regs. And if you have
a problem with that, Cindy, you're fired.
And also, thank you for telling me
my bra was showing yesterday.
You're fired for that, too.
Everybody knows.
Nobody cares. Love today's bra.
Damn it.
Gina said they don't usually
approve mentors this quickly,
but she was so impressed
with the advice I gave
and with my business background
that she wanted me to start right away.
Oh, I'm sorry, I lost track,
uh, around "Gina said."
You know, this is exciting for me.
You have your yams
and whatever else you do.
I-- I need something. I...
I need a purpose and this might be it.
You're right. I'm happy for you.
See, isn't it nice to be nice to the nice?
I have been nice before.
It's been ages since I stole
a Christmas goose from a crippled child.
She's here. How do I look?
Uh, like a docent at a hair spray museum.
Just answer the door. I...
I need to de-poof.
Oh, this poor kid.
She's not gonna know what hit her.
You Grace? It took me
frickin' forever to find this place.
There's like no street parking
and your neighbor's dog is a dick.
She'll be fine.
All right, let's start with the basics.
-Do you have a résumé?
-I do.
It flew out of my car window
while I was driving here.
That's OK. We'll start from scratch.
Um, what work experience do you have?
-I was in the Army for a while.
-Great. How long did you serve?
Top secret.
OK.
Do you have any
customer service experience?
-Baskin-Robbins.
-Good.
Best three days of my life.
OK. Do you have a job now?
-Yeah. I'm a bartender, but...
-But?
I don't want to be working for tips
or cleaning things with a rag
the rest of my life. It's like
nobody fucking sees me. I'm invisible.
I have more to offer than people think.
I know what you mean.
What would you like to be doing?
-I want to be Diane.
-Who's Diane?
She works in my doctor's office.
She isn't a doctor or a nurse,
but she bosses 'em all around.
And they listen to her
because she knows everything.
Except for all the gross medical stuff,
which I have zero interest in.
Sounds like she might be
an office manager.
That sounds good. I want that.
It isn't that easy.
You don't have any office experience.
You know, there's a few steps
between where you are now
-and where you want to go.
-Ugh. Steps?
That's what my stupid sponsor's
always bugging me about.
Alcoholism isn't funny. OK, I think
we need to hone your interviewing skills
and your image that you project
to the world.
-What was wrong with my image?
-It's specific.
Look, I'm not gonna start taking shit
from anybody, including you,
just because I need a job.
Well, that's unfortunate.
Because short of being a pirate,
taking shit is part of every job.
I thought mentors were supposed to be
all nice and encouraging.
This is me being nice and encouraging.
God, you're like
a two-legged version of my mom.
You went to A Change of A Dress
for a reason. Right?
I mean, you probably are right,
you have more to offer,
but nobody's gonna see that
unless you drop the attitude.
I know what I'm doing.
I could actually help you get a great job.
-How?
-I was in the business world a long time.
I was good at it.
My daughter runs my old business,
I could have her meet with you,
but I'm not gonna waste her time,
or mine,
unless you start listening to what
I say and doing what I tell you to do.
You sound like Diane.
I'm better than Diane.
Do you want my help or not?
Fuck yeah, I want your help.
No, cross your legs.
And stop chewing your nails.
What do you consider your strengths
as a-- as an employee? Stop that.
Quick reaction time.
-Ready?
-OK.
How do you do? Yeah--
You're not fusing metal.
- And your weaknesses?
- Oof! Wow.
I don't know. I have so many.
Uh, I'm late a lot,
I always lose like three sets of keys,
I've got a bad temper, I--
Oh. OK, instead of saying
you have a bad temper,
try saying you feel passionate
about your work.
I am passionate about my work.
I hated every job I ever had.
All right, Bud said this should
bring you up to speed on all your cases.
Got it. Thanks.
Oh, uh, Dad wanted me to remind you
to not to try and lift the box yourself
and to take plenty of breaks
as you read through the Walker file.
And just a general hope,
I think, that you'll stay hydrated.
Oh, boy.
-He's worried about you.
-I know, and God love him,
but he won't let me do anything.
For just one day I'd like to,
I don't know,
rake the leaves in the backyard,
eat something with salt,
take a shower without having to
sit on that little stool.
That's my old stool.
It's got Ninja Turtles on top.
Listen, kiddo. I need a favor.
Friday is my last day of freedom
before I have to go back to work.
I need you to take him out to lunch.
I gotta have one day for myself.
He really enjoys having lunch
with you every day. What do I tell him?
Here's $50, you'll think of somethin'.
Lunch for two plus $40? Score!
-Thanks, Coyote.
-Thank you!
-Get out here!
-I feel stupid, OK?
This shirt's an idiot.
Very good. Stop futzing.
Hmm.
What the hell are you doing?
You have a migraine or something?
I'm trying to imagine
what you'll look like at the interview
without that bracelet in your nose.
What interview?
You have an interview with my daughter.
Friday. Two o'clock sharp.
No pressure. Just practice.
Unless you ace it.
Which nobody does
wearing a door knocker on their face.
Do you have a problem with the way I look?
-Just name me one successful person--
-Lenny Kravitz.
Uh... not in show business.
Indira Gandhi.
Touché.
No dumb chick, huh?
She ran India and shit.
No. No dumb chick.
Did you really set up
that interview up for me?
I did.
OK.
-Well, Jacob...
-Mm-hmm?
I think this is where we can
officially say you went up and did it.
Admit it, you were a little nervous
when you heard the word "tagine."
But I Googled it and I laughed
at the little pot.
I was at corporate yesterday.
-You mean... Brianna?
-Yeah.
Things are happening.
And I want you to know, no matter
how massive this lube thing gets,
I will always be supportive
of the organic...
local...
There. Sorry.
I didn't want you
to get tagine in your hair.
There.
So how did you get into the yam business
in the first place?
I was an engineer at Lockheed.
And I kind of hated
being an engineer at Lockheed.
You know how people talk about
quitting their jobs,
moving to Vermont and making cheese?
You're the guy who actually did it.
Except with yams. In California.
Aren't you sumpin' sumpin'.
The first year, I made $53.
I had to send half of that to my ex-wife.
You were married?
I told you that.
No, you didn't. I would have remembered.
We got married too young.
But she's a good person
and we're still friends.
So you have a Sol.
Only you... have a Sol.
How about... something to drink?
I have something.
How about something else?
Frankie...
What are we doing here?
Um, what do you mean? You're thirsty,
I'm gonna get you a backup drink.
No, I mean this. Us.
What are we doing?
We're having a business dinner.
Wow.
I thought it was a date.
You thought it was a date?
Of course it's a date.
I cooked you 11 vegetable dishes
and I'm wearing a sport coat.
What do you think we're doing?
Nothing. I-- Well, not nothing.
I mean, friendship.
The yam pipeline.
Is that all you want?
I... Well, you know--
Whatever you're afraid of happening,
it's already happened.
I think you like me as much as I like you.
I do like you.
But?
I didn't say "but."
Yeah, you did.
Jacob...
I get it.
We'll keep it just business.
Anyway, he had tattoos,
but not the good kind of tattoos.
You know, like the sexy electricians
with the big, nice, thick forearms.
You know, that guy?
No, these were faded and wrinkly
like a sad old sailor.
-No.
-But you slept with him?
He had a cute dog.
-What about you?
-No one since Asian Larry Hagman.
Oh. Frankie, are you out there yet,
having fun?
Actually, I need to talk to you guys.
It's about...
...feelings.
-No.
-No. I can't go there.
No, you see, Jacob and I
have a successful business relationship.
Who's Jacob?
The farmer who's supplying yams
for my lube.
Farmer? Really?
All that early to bed and
early to rise shit and actual shit?
They named the worst tan after them
for a reason.
No, he's actually a great guy
and I'm pretty sure he wants me to be
his one and only.
-And the problem is?
-I'm not ready for a big romance.
Well, who has time for that?
Yeah, it kind of makes me want to
take a nap just thinking about it.
Right. So what do I do?
I don't want to lose the friendship.
And I love the flirtation.
So what's between
business-colleagues-with-chemistry
and a big romance?
Sex.
Well, what's between
business-colleagues-with-chemistry
-and sex?
-Occasional sex.
Well, what's between
business-colleagues-with-chemistry and--
Honey, if somebody wants something more
in a relationship,
eventually it's going to involve sex.
And if you want to stay
his one and only...
Just remember, don't bite your nails,
no eye-rolling,
and try not to look like you want
to punch anybody, OK, Billie?
Call me back.
You're washing the dishes!
With fresh water.
Oh, is this a housekeeping mirage?
I'm upset.
Sometimes I clean when I'm upset.
-Since when?
-It's new.
-What's the matter?
-Jacob wants sex.
With me. In the vagina.
Did he make a pass at you?
No. Amanda and Jason made a pass at me
on his behalf.
How does that even work?
I don't want a boyfriend!
I have to say,
it seems like that's where you and Jacob
have been going this whole time.
I know, I know.
And I like him, too, but--
That doesn't clean that.
I mean, I don't understand.
Things were going so great with Jacob.
Well, Grace,
excitement has transmogrified,
as it always does, into fear.
That is definitely not
what you clean that with.
I have to do something. I can't just sit
on the slope and slide into love oblivion.
-Why not?
-How are you not following this, lady?
Look what happened to you and Phil.
You know what? This is not about
me and Phil. This is about you.
Maybe I'm not as strong as you.
I can't do it.
I cannot go through that again.
Define "that."
Heartbreak.
Well, what's between heartbreak
and where you are now?
Oh, this game again.
You know, sometimes things do work out.
When did you become the optimist
in this relationship?
Tuesday. Next time you get upset,
try getting upset in the bathroom.
It's filthy.
Mallory? Everything all right?
Yeah. Sorry, Dad,
two babies dancing on my bladder.
That's sweet.
OK, Dad, not so much salt.
You know what, never mind,
you're not gonna eat
the chicken skin anyway. It's fine.
God, no. Crispy chicken skin's
the absolute worst.
Voilà.
OK, now we're gonna put it in the oven.
It's already pre-heated
so you're good to go.
Chicken is going in the pre-heated oven.
Done.
-Potatoes.
-Potatoes.
So we're going to use the water that
the potatoes cooked in instead of milk,
and then we're gonna use half the stick
of butter that Ina Garten suggests.
Butter. Yes.
Where did I put that butter? Excuse me.
-Dad.
-Oh, sorry.
Dad, did you just put
the whole stick of butter in?
It slipped through my fingers, but, hey,
if it's good enough for Ida Baddadudda,
it's good enough for me.
Ugh. My mom's Eliza Doolittle
still hasn't shown up,
but she's in the lobby
and she wants to say hi.
That's great.
We can tell your mom about us.
What is this weird obsession you have
with telling people things?
Your mom hired me. She already likes me.
Come on, let's rip off the Band-Aid.
Look, please? You don't even
have to scream into a hallway.
Fine, Tattles. Go ahead and rip.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
How'd it go? Mmm! Where is she?
I don't know, Mom.
Your protégée is 15 minutes late.
Oh. Well, she's probably
having car trouble or something.
-Hm.
-Try to be patient with her, honey.
She's a... little rough around the edges.
But she has a lot of potential.
She reminds me a little bit of you.
You know, she's feisty.
Mom, that's almost not an insult.
Well, this was a good excuse
to stop by the new office.
Very nice. Is this why
you couldn't hire me back?
You spent all your money on windows?
And how is
my favorite former intern?
Oh, so good. Can I just say,
you not paying me was probably the
best thing that's ever happened to me.
I still can't believe I didn't know
you moved in with Eric.
Well, this is what happens
when you skip SoulCycle.
Hi, Grace. It is so good to see you again.
Oh, God.
It's me, Barry. Uh, you hired me
from Burt's Bees. The accountant.
I got you the iPod nano
for Secret Santa and...
I-- The toaster oven.
It caught on fire when my bagel
went in it and set off the sprinklers.
Oh, God. That was-- That was you?
Yeah.
I thought we fired that guy.
OK, this has been a blast,
but I have some meetings, Mom,
-so maybe you should call Billie.
-Come on.
You can use my office
slash cubicle slash prison.
-OK. Bye, honey.
-Bye.
Thank you. I really appreciate this.
Bye, you.
You're right. Let's just--
We'll never tell her.
Told you.
I was fired?
Billie? It's Grace, where are you?
What--
She hung up on me!
Ew. Call her back and hang up on her.
-Here, I'll do it.
-Oh.
What the fuck happened? Where were you?
- I have a job.
- That's it?
No apology?
Do you realize how unbelievably
inconsiderate it is to not show up?
No, I got up this morning,
I put on that stupid shirt,
and I listened to all your messages
reminding me of what to say
and how to smile and I just--
Ever since you started helping me,
I just feel dumb, and ugly,
and uncomfortable,
and like everything
that I'm doing is wrong.
You do not get me at all.
OK? You have no idea
how hard I've had it.
-'Cause I've had it so easy?
-Haven't you, Miss Beach House?
Listen to me, missy.
I have worked since I was 15,
and the only reason I stopped
was because I retired
from a business that I built.
You've had it so hard?
Try being a woman in her 70s.
Talk about being invisible.
People act like you don't know anything,
that you don't count.
Well, screw that, and screw you!
Screw you, too!
I don't know why I thought
I could ever help you.
You know, I don't know how either.
All this, this is too much pressure
for one person.
OK? I think you need to focus all that
energy and instead of finding me a job,
go find yourself one.
Hey.
I just dropped off some seed catalogs.
Text me the varieties you want,
but do it sooner than later
if you want to have them this season.
OK, thanks.
Hey, would you like some tea?
-No.
-Uh, wait. Don't go, Jacob.
I-- I like you. I really do.
I was-- I could-- I'm open to it.
I could see us apple picking
in the fall
or pumpkin picking in the... fall.
They both grow-- weird--
in the same season.
Just-- Mm...
Did you just stop your own ramble...
by kissing me?
It appears that way. I--
Mmm.
I real-- I do like you.
I'm-I'm-I'm scared.
I'm not able to-- I mean, I want to.
I'm-- I cannot see anything
more than going--
-Taking things slow.
-I can do slow.
I mean really slow. Like, I mean,
if we go apple and/or pumpkin picking,
and we go to dinner alone, would--
I mean, do you--
Do you think you can hold back
your desire for me?
I'll do my best.
Make me a martini. Vodka. Very dry.
Two olives.
No, no, no, I said very dry.
That's way too much vermouth.
What are you gonna do,
serve it in a cauldron?
Who's the bartender here?
Sorry. You're right.
-I do need to find something to do.
-Right? I should be the mentor.
You know mentors do it
out of the goodness of their heart.
-You don't get paid.
-Well, then I should keep doing this.
Look, I know I'm a lousy mentor, but
can I give you one last piece of advice?
No, thank you.
You can't get anywhere in life
if you keep pushing people away.
I don't fucking push people away.
OK.
Wow. That's a good martini.
You're actually a good bartender.
What is that? Cinnamon?
-Nope.
-Peppermint?
-Guess again.
-Come on, what's the secret?
I don't clean the shaker
when I make a drink.
Puts a nice stank on it.
Oh. Stank.
Hello, stranger.
What?
What's all this?
Just thought I'd class up the joint.
Oh, my God, this is the London suit.
-It still fits?
-Still fits.
Of course, I had the buttons moved,
all the seams taken out,
and a new panel sewn in the back
to make it fit.
You look even better
than the first time you wore it.
-The first time--
-I said I love you.
I know.
Come on, love.
You did all this?
Is that why
you wanted me out of the house today?
We're married now
and your traditions are my traditions.
I know you've been killing yourself
taking care of me,
but all of the worrying
and the sickness is over.
We got through it. So, mazel tov.
And I'm hoping that from now on,
every Friday night,
we'll be here, together...
doing this.
Or maybe going out someplace.
♪ Barukh atah Adonai ♪
♪ Eloheinu ♪
♪ Melekh ha' ♪
- ♪ Olam-- ♪
- Please.
Please, Robert, just stop.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I'm doing it wrong.
See, I got it off the Internet
and maybe the phonetics are--
I need you to stay calm, OK?
OK.
The day we packed up our house,
I slept with Frankie.
It was an emotional day
and it didn't mean anything
more than an ending.
Even so, I wish to God
I could take it back.
I was going to tell you,
but then you had the attack...
So...
when you married me
in the hospital...
I was so worried about you.
I didn't want to make things worse.
Please...
say something.
Get out.
You're the Jennifer Holliday
of Tuvan throat singing.
Thanks to your voice,
crops are bigger and better than ever.
I mean...
have you ever seen anything so bulbous?
Well, that's a trick question,
to which I will answer, "perhaps."
You know what? I'm making you dinner.
-You are?
-Yep.
Tomorrow night.
I make a mean veggie tagine.
We can talk about
what varieties to plant next.
I'm thinking Japanese for hardiness.
I would hate for my lube
to lack hardiness.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
This is my favorite part.
Hmm.
Good morning, Grace.
How about a kale smoothie?
Fresh from the farm.
No, thank you. I already didn't drink
the one you gave me yesterday.
Oh, my.
Did all the other fancy ladies get beamed
back up into the mothership without you?
I'm saying goodbye to the old me.
This is a bon voyage party for her
and her country club clothes.
You gonna burn 'em? 'Cause if you don't,
we could make an army
out of business casual scarecrows.
-I'm donating them.
-Good for you.
Bon voyage, tiny pantsuits.
You'll make some
little doll women very happy.
Am I to assume you had another
business meeting with Jacob
or are you returning a ring
to Middle-earth?
I don't know why you wag your eyebrows
when you say "business meeting."
And we are having
a business dinner tomorrow night.
It's not a business dinner.
What do you call
talking about seed varieties
while we eat a tagine
made from surplus vegetables?
It's a date. It's a sad, weird,
hippie date, but it's a date nonetheless.
No, I've seen the way he looks at you.
Oh, you can see that,
but you can't see chemtrails
or all the people who live
under the San Diego river.
Don't you have somewhere to go?
I do and that's why I can't listen to your
romantic notions and chemtrail blather.
-That was you!
-They're real and I'm right.
Oh, jeez.
So, what do you think?
Maybe let the seams out a little?
-Oh, my. Can you sit?
-Let's see.
No. It's a no-go.
I love this suit.
It's from our London trip.
Dad, don't worry,
I know a tailor who can work magic.
This much magic?
He does everything.
Believe me, I have become
quite a fan of the elastic waistband.
Well, I thought with all the weight
I'd lost since the hospital,
I could pull it off.
Now I'm not even sure
I can actually pull it off.
Oh, dear. Uh, hon,
maybe you should hit "end call."
-This won't be pretty.
-OK.
Oh, these are beautiful.
Thank you. This is so generous.
You have no idea how happy I am
to be rid of them.
-Oh.
-Oh. "A Change of A Dress."
I just got it. Oh, that's clever.
Thank you. I had to fight for it.
You hear that, Carol? Another name fan.
Whatever.
- This is really impressive.
- We help a lot of women.
Some come in just to get clothes, but we
also do job placement and mentoring.
Oh.
I will be right back
with your donation receipt.
Hm.
May I?
Of course. Oh, it fits you perfectly.
Not everyone can carry off canary yellow.
We're the lucky ones.
It's not too bright?
I'm interviewing to be a bank teller.
You wear a bright color like that,
you'll be even more memorable.
If you really want to stand out, after
the interview, mail them a thank you note.
It's more personal than a-- than an email.
But the trick is, write it ahead of time
and then slip it in the mailbox
as you leave.
That's a great idea.
I would've never thought of that.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Tell me-- Tell me more
about this mentoring thing.
Oh, of course.
Ta-da!
Wow... It's very vaginal.
I don't mean to toot my own horn,
but I think it's my best work
-since Hitler's Circumcision.
-Mm-hmm.
I don't know if you know,
but Hitler's Circumcision
is in the private collection
of one Mr. Kenny Loggins.
Yes. Who saw it in Sol's office
and bought it on the spot.
I love that story.
The thing is, we want your lube
-in every store in America.
-Yes, yes!
And pubic hair might be
making a comeback,
there's just so very, very much of it.
Alas, our rigid Western
-standards of beauty.
-Yeah.
Still, I do want to be
in every store in America. Ta-da.
OK. Yes, this is closer.
I can't really tell what it is.
Thank you.
I painted this one with my vagina.
You need a long brush
and a very strong pelvic floor.
Brianna, I just--
Sorry. I'll-I'll come back. Oh. Wow.
See? Imagine him walking
around a supermarket looking for...
oat bran. This would catch his eye.
That would definitely catch my eye.
-Frankie, this is Barry, our accountant.
-Barry.
I was just checking if you looked at
my projections for year-end taxes.
Yes, did you, uh, declare
the new emulsifier as a capital expense?
Ah! Angela Merkel.
Why don't you two just
get on the table and do it?
Excuse me?
No seriously,
how long has this been going on?
What-- What is this?
A conversation about tax season?
No. I know what I'm talking about.
-I am an intuitive witch.
-OK.
Thank you, Goody Proctor.
Actually, she wasn't a witch.
Kinda the whole point of The Crucible.
I was in it in high school.
Well, I have to move my car,
I'm in a loading zone.
Uh, good day. No, not "good day," uh...
Obviously, I'll be right back.
How did she know about us?
I don't know, but clearly we need to be
more careful around here.
Or, we could finally... come out?
We've talked about this.
Barry, I'm the boss, you work under me,
and that's a joke everyone will make.
OK, for a minute. Who cares?
Why do we have to tell anyone anything?
Because that's what people
who are dating do.
Why do they do that?
Aren't you sick of staggering
our entrances?
No, I like it.
Or trying not to look at each other
too much during meetings?
Your shirt popped open yesterday
and everyone could see your bra.
And I didn't want you
to flash the whole office,
but I was afraid even acknowledging
you have breasts
would somehow give us away.
I like being with you.
I don't want to hide anymore.
You're right. We will tell everyone.
Thank you.
Eventually.
-Great.
-Eventually.
Yeah, we'll see.
Hey, you guys!
Barry from Accounting and I are doing it.
On the regs. And if you have
a problem with that, Cindy, you're fired.
And also, thank you for telling me
my bra was showing yesterday.
You're fired for that, too.
Everybody knows.
Nobody cares. Love today's bra.
Damn it.
Gina said they don't usually
approve mentors this quickly,
but she was so impressed
with the advice I gave
and with my business background
that she wanted me to start right away.
Oh, I'm sorry, I lost track,
uh, around "Gina said."
You know, this is exciting for me.
You have your yams
and whatever else you do.
I-- I need something. I...
I need a purpose and this might be it.
You're right. I'm happy for you.
See, isn't it nice to be nice to the nice?
I have been nice before.
It's been ages since I stole
a Christmas goose from a crippled child.
She's here. How do I look?
Uh, like a docent at a hair spray museum.
Just answer the door. I...
I need to de-poof.
Oh, this poor kid.
She's not gonna know what hit her.
You Grace? It took me
frickin' forever to find this place.
There's like no street parking
and your neighbor's dog is a dick.
She'll be fine.
All right, let's start with the basics.
-Do you have a résumé?
-I do.
It flew out of my car window
while I was driving here.
That's OK. We'll start from scratch.
Um, what work experience do you have?
-I was in the Army for a while.
-Great. How long did you serve?
Top secret.
OK.
Do you have any
customer service experience?
-Baskin-Robbins.
-Good.
Best three days of my life.
OK. Do you have a job now?
-Yeah. I'm a bartender, but...
-But?
I don't want to be working for tips
or cleaning things with a rag
the rest of my life. It's like
nobody fucking sees me. I'm invisible.
I have more to offer than people think.
I know what you mean.
What would you like to be doing?
-I want to be Diane.
-Who's Diane?
She works in my doctor's office.
She isn't a doctor or a nurse,
but she bosses 'em all around.
And they listen to her
because she knows everything.
Except for all the gross medical stuff,
which I have zero interest in.
Sounds like she might be
an office manager.
That sounds good. I want that.
It isn't that easy.
You don't have any office experience.
You know, there's a few steps
between where you are now
-and where you want to go.
-Ugh. Steps?
That's what my stupid sponsor's
always bugging me about.
Alcoholism isn't funny. OK, I think
we need to hone your interviewing skills
and your image that you project
to the world.
-What was wrong with my image?
-It's specific.
Look, I'm not gonna start taking shit
from anybody, including you,
just because I need a job.
Well, that's unfortunate.
Because short of being a pirate,
taking shit is part of every job.
I thought mentors were supposed to be
all nice and encouraging.
This is me being nice and encouraging.
God, you're like
a two-legged version of my mom.
You went to A Change of A Dress
for a reason. Right?
I mean, you probably are right,
you have more to offer,
but nobody's gonna see that
unless you drop the attitude.
I know what I'm doing.
I could actually help you get a great job.
-How?
-I was in the business world a long time.
I was good at it.
My daughter runs my old business,
I could have her meet with you,
but I'm not gonna waste her time,
or mine,
unless you start listening to what
I say and doing what I tell you to do.
You sound like Diane.
I'm better than Diane.
Do you want my help or not?
Fuck yeah, I want your help.
No, cross your legs.
And stop chewing your nails.
What do you consider your strengths
as a-- as an employee? Stop that.
Quick reaction time.
-Ready?
-OK.
How do you do? Yeah--
You're not fusing metal.
- And your weaknesses?
- Oof! Wow.
I don't know. I have so many.
Uh, I'm late a lot,
I always lose like three sets of keys,
I've got a bad temper, I--
Oh. OK, instead of saying
you have a bad temper,
try saying you feel passionate
about your work.
I am passionate about my work.
I hated every job I ever had.
All right, Bud said this should
bring you up to speed on all your cases.
Got it. Thanks.
Oh, uh, Dad wanted me to remind you
to not to try and lift the box yourself
and to take plenty of breaks
as you read through the Walker file.
And just a general hope,
I think, that you'll stay hydrated.
Oh, boy.
-He's worried about you.
-I know, and God love him,
but he won't let me do anything.
For just one day I'd like to,
I don't know,
rake the leaves in the backyard,
eat something with salt,
take a shower without having to
sit on that little stool.
That's my old stool.
It's got Ninja Turtles on top.
Listen, kiddo. I need a favor.
Friday is my last day of freedom
before I have to go back to work.
I need you to take him out to lunch.
I gotta have one day for myself.
He really enjoys having lunch
with you every day. What do I tell him?
Here's $50, you'll think of somethin'.
Lunch for two plus $40? Score!
-Thanks, Coyote.
-Thank you!
-Get out here!
-I feel stupid, OK?
This shirt's an idiot.
Very good. Stop futzing.
Hmm.
What the hell are you doing?
You have a migraine or something?
I'm trying to imagine
what you'll look like at the interview
without that bracelet in your nose.
What interview?
You have an interview with my daughter.
Friday. Two o'clock sharp.
No pressure. Just practice.
Unless you ace it.
Which nobody does
wearing a door knocker on their face.
Do you have a problem with the way I look?
-Just name me one successful person--
-Lenny Kravitz.
Uh... not in show business.
Indira Gandhi.
Touché.
No dumb chick, huh?
She ran India and shit.
No. No dumb chick.
Did you really set up
that interview up for me?
I did.
OK.
-Well, Jacob...
-Mm-hmm?
I think this is where we can
officially say you went up and did it.
Admit it, you were a little nervous
when you heard the word "tagine."
But I Googled it and I laughed
at the little pot.
I was at corporate yesterday.
-You mean... Brianna?
-Yeah.
Things are happening.
And I want you to know, no matter
how massive this lube thing gets,
I will always be supportive
of the organic...
local...
There. Sorry.
I didn't want you
to get tagine in your hair.
There.
So how did you get into the yam business
in the first place?
I was an engineer at Lockheed.
And I kind of hated
being an engineer at Lockheed.
You know how people talk about
quitting their jobs,
moving to Vermont and making cheese?
You're the guy who actually did it.
Except with yams. In California.
Aren't you sumpin' sumpin'.
The first year, I made $53.
I had to send half of that to my ex-wife.
You were married?
I told you that.
No, you didn't. I would have remembered.
We got married too young.
But she's a good person
and we're still friends.
So you have a Sol.
Only you... have a Sol.
How about... something to drink?
I have something.
How about something else?
Frankie...
What are we doing here?
Um, what do you mean? You're thirsty,
I'm gonna get you a backup drink.
No, I mean this. Us.
What are we doing?
We're having a business dinner.
Wow.
I thought it was a date.
You thought it was a date?
Of course it's a date.
I cooked you 11 vegetable dishes
and I'm wearing a sport coat.
What do you think we're doing?
Nothing. I-- Well, not nothing.
I mean, friendship.
The yam pipeline.
Is that all you want?
I... Well, you know--
Whatever you're afraid of happening,
it's already happened.
I think you like me as much as I like you.
I do like you.
But?
I didn't say "but."
Yeah, you did.
Jacob...
I get it.
We'll keep it just business.
Anyway, he had tattoos,
but not the good kind of tattoos.
You know, like the sexy electricians
with the big, nice, thick forearms.
You know, that guy?
No, these were faded and wrinkly
like a sad old sailor.
-No.
-But you slept with him?
He had a cute dog.
-What about you?
-No one since Asian Larry Hagman.
Oh. Frankie, are you out there yet,
having fun?
Actually, I need to talk to you guys.
It's about...
...feelings.
-No.
-No. I can't go there.
No, you see, Jacob and I
have a successful business relationship.
Who's Jacob?
The farmer who's supplying yams
for my lube.
Farmer? Really?
All that early to bed and
early to rise shit and actual shit?
They named the worst tan after them
for a reason.
No, he's actually a great guy
and I'm pretty sure he wants me to be
his one and only.
-And the problem is?
-I'm not ready for a big romance.
Well, who has time for that?
Yeah, it kind of makes me want to
take a nap just thinking about it.
Right. So what do I do?
I don't want to lose the friendship.
And I love the flirtation.
So what's between
business-colleagues-with-chemistry
and a big romance?
Sex.
Well, what's between
business-colleagues-with-chemistry
-and sex?
-Occasional sex.
Well, what's between
business-colleagues-with-chemistry and--
Honey, if somebody wants something more
in a relationship,
eventually it's going to involve sex.
And if you want to stay
his one and only...
Just remember, don't bite your nails,
no eye-rolling,
and try not to look like you want
to punch anybody, OK, Billie?
Call me back.
You're washing the dishes!
With fresh water.
Oh, is this a housekeeping mirage?
I'm upset.
Sometimes I clean when I'm upset.
-Since when?
-It's new.
-What's the matter?
-Jacob wants sex.
With me. In the vagina.
Did he make a pass at you?
No. Amanda and Jason made a pass at me
on his behalf.
How does that even work?
I don't want a boyfriend!
I have to say,
it seems like that's where you and Jacob
have been going this whole time.
I know, I know.
And I like him, too, but--
That doesn't clean that.
I mean, I don't understand.
Things were going so great with Jacob.
Well, Grace,
excitement has transmogrified,
as it always does, into fear.
That is definitely not
what you clean that with.
I have to do something. I can't just sit
on the slope and slide into love oblivion.
-Why not?
-How are you not following this, lady?
Look what happened to you and Phil.
You know what? This is not about
me and Phil. This is about you.
Maybe I'm not as strong as you.
I can't do it.
I cannot go through that again.
Define "that."
Heartbreak.
Well, what's between heartbreak
and where you are now?
Oh, this game again.
You know, sometimes things do work out.
When did you become the optimist
in this relationship?
Tuesday. Next time you get upset,
try getting upset in the bathroom.
It's filthy.
Mallory? Everything all right?
Yeah. Sorry, Dad,
two babies dancing on my bladder.
That's sweet.
OK, Dad, not so much salt.
You know what, never mind,
you're not gonna eat
the chicken skin anyway. It's fine.
God, no. Crispy chicken skin's
the absolute worst.
Voilà.
OK, now we're gonna put it in the oven.
It's already pre-heated
so you're good to go.
Chicken is going in the pre-heated oven.
Done.
-Potatoes.
-Potatoes.
So we're going to use the water that
the potatoes cooked in instead of milk,
and then we're gonna use half the stick
of butter that Ina Garten suggests.
Butter. Yes.
Where did I put that butter? Excuse me.
-Dad.
-Oh, sorry.
Dad, did you just put
the whole stick of butter in?
It slipped through my fingers, but, hey,
if it's good enough for Ida Baddadudda,
it's good enough for me.
Ugh. My mom's Eliza Doolittle
still hasn't shown up,
but she's in the lobby
and she wants to say hi.
That's great.
We can tell your mom about us.
What is this weird obsession you have
with telling people things?
Your mom hired me. She already likes me.
Come on, let's rip off the Band-Aid.
Look, please? You don't even
have to scream into a hallway.
Fine, Tattles. Go ahead and rip.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
How'd it go? Mmm! Where is she?
I don't know, Mom.
Your protégée is 15 minutes late.
Oh. Well, she's probably
having car trouble or something.
-Hm.
-Try to be patient with her, honey.
She's a... little rough around the edges.
But she has a lot of potential.
She reminds me a little bit of you.
You know, she's feisty.
Mom, that's almost not an insult.
Well, this was a good excuse
to stop by the new office.
Very nice. Is this why
you couldn't hire me back?
You spent all your money on windows?
And how is
my favorite former intern?
Oh, so good. Can I just say,
you not paying me was probably the
best thing that's ever happened to me.
I still can't believe I didn't know
you moved in with Eric.
Well, this is what happens
when you skip SoulCycle.
Hi, Grace. It is so good to see you again.
Oh, God.
It's me, Barry. Uh, you hired me
from Burt's Bees. The accountant.
I got you the iPod nano
for Secret Santa and...
I-- The toaster oven.
It caught on fire when my bagel
went in it and set off the sprinklers.
Oh, God. That was-- That was you?
Yeah.
I thought we fired that guy.
OK, this has been a blast,
but I have some meetings, Mom,
-so maybe you should call Billie.
-Come on.
You can use my office
slash cubicle slash prison.
-OK. Bye, honey.
-Bye.
Thank you. I really appreciate this.
Bye, you.
You're right. Let's just--
We'll never tell her.
Told you.
I was fired?
Billie? It's Grace, where are you?
What--
She hung up on me!
Ew. Call her back and hang up on her.
-Here, I'll do it.
-Oh.
What the fuck happened? Where were you?
- I have a job.
- That's it?
No apology?
Do you realize how unbelievably
inconsiderate it is to not show up?
No, I got up this morning,
I put on that stupid shirt,
and I listened to all your messages
reminding me of what to say
and how to smile and I just--
Ever since you started helping me,
I just feel dumb, and ugly,
and uncomfortable,
and like everything
that I'm doing is wrong.
You do not get me at all.
OK? You have no idea
how hard I've had it.
-'Cause I've had it so easy?
-Haven't you, Miss Beach House?
Listen to me, missy.
I have worked since I was 15,
and the only reason I stopped
was because I retired
from a business that I built.
You've had it so hard?
Try being a woman in her 70s.
Talk about being invisible.
People act like you don't know anything,
that you don't count.
Well, screw that, and screw you!
Screw you, too!
I don't know why I thought
I could ever help you.
You know, I don't know how either.
All this, this is too much pressure
for one person.
OK? I think you need to focus all that
energy and instead of finding me a job,
go find yourself one.
Hey.
I just dropped off some seed catalogs.
Text me the varieties you want,
but do it sooner than later
if you want to have them this season.
OK, thanks.
Hey, would you like some tea?
-No.
-Uh, wait. Don't go, Jacob.
I-- I like you. I really do.
I was-- I could-- I'm open to it.
I could see us apple picking
in the fall
or pumpkin picking in the... fall.
They both grow-- weird--
in the same season.
Just-- Mm...
Did you just stop your own ramble...
by kissing me?
It appears that way. I--
Mmm.
I real-- I do like you.
I'm-I'm-I'm scared.
I'm not able to-- I mean, I want to.
I'm-- I cannot see anything
more than going--
-Taking things slow.
-I can do slow.
I mean really slow. Like, I mean,
if we go apple and/or pumpkin picking,
and we go to dinner alone, would--
I mean, do you--
Do you think you can hold back
your desire for me?
I'll do my best.
Make me a martini. Vodka. Very dry.
Two olives.
No, no, no, I said very dry.
That's way too much vermouth.
What are you gonna do,
serve it in a cauldron?
Who's the bartender here?
Sorry. You're right.
-I do need to find something to do.
-Right? I should be the mentor.
You know mentors do it
out of the goodness of their heart.
-You don't get paid.
-Well, then I should keep doing this.
Look, I know I'm a lousy mentor, but
can I give you one last piece of advice?
No, thank you.
You can't get anywhere in life
if you keep pushing people away.
I don't fucking push people away.
OK.
Wow. That's a good martini.
You're actually a good bartender.
What is that? Cinnamon?
-Nope.
-Peppermint?
-Guess again.
-Come on, what's the secret?
I don't clean the shaker
when I make a drink.
Puts a nice stank on it.
Oh. Stank.
Hello, stranger.
What?
What's all this?
Just thought I'd class up the joint.
Oh, my God, this is the London suit.
-It still fits?
-Still fits.
Of course, I had the buttons moved,
all the seams taken out,
and a new panel sewn in the back
to make it fit.
You look even better
than the first time you wore it.
-The first time--
-I said I love you.
I know.
Come on, love.
You did all this?
Is that why
you wanted me out of the house today?
We're married now
and your traditions are my traditions.
I know you've been killing yourself
taking care of me,
but all of the worrying
and the sickness is over.
We got through it. So, mazel tov.
And I'm hoping that from now on,
every Friday night,
we'll be here, together...
doing this.
Or maybe going out someplace.
♪ Barukh atah Adonai ♪
♪ Eloheinu ♪
♪ Melekh ha' ♪
- ♪ Olam-- ♪
- Please.
Please, Robert, just stop.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I'm doing it wrong.
See, I got it off the Internet
and maybe the phonetics are--
I need you to stay calm, OK?
OK.
The day we packed up our house,
I slept with Frankie.
It was an emotional day
and it didn't mean anything
more than an ending.
Even so, I wish to God
I could take it back.
I was going to tell you,
but then you had the attack...
So...
when you married me
in the hospital...
I was so worried about you.
I didn't want to make things worse.
Please...
say something.
Get out.