Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
Dr. Bender, paging Dr. Bender, please.
Dr. Bender, paging Dr. Bender, please.
He's OK, Grace.
Everything went really well.
They just moved him out of recovery
- and he's in his room.
- Oh, thank God.
-I've been praying for him.
-Me too.
What's happening?
Is there news?
Your dad made it through surgery
with flying colors.
He's going to be just fine.
That's so good!
-Ah... Let me just--
-Sorry... Yeah.
-Wow.
-I was still asleep.
That was special.
He looks so small in that bed.
I can almost see what he looked like
when he was a boy.
When he wakes up should I tell him
Frankie and I had intercourse?
-No! No!
-Are you crazy?
OK. That was my instinct.
Just checking.
Sorry to interrupt, but I'm looking
for Mr. Hanson's spouse?
Well, I guess that would be me.
I am the spouse.
Well, don't get too excited.
I'm from the billing department.
Oh.
I love you so much.
Wow. They really are married, aren't they?
They really are.
I need gluten.
Oh. My powers are weak.
Your powers are fictional.
Oh, God.
We don't look a day over 350.
I would've loved being born
in the 17th century.
Of course I would have died in my 30s.
-I look like our mailman.
-Let's go.
Hey, kids,
I feel my trademark energy waning,
and I could really use
a bowl of Grape-Nuts.
So unless one of you has some,
I-- I'm just gonna skedaddle.
-OK.
-Bye, Frankie.
- Bye, Momma.
- Bye, Mom.
-Don't ask.
-What's wrong?
Our insurance is balking
at the bill, plus, I just remembered
there are 80 people
coming to our house in 48 hours
for a wedding that's already happened.
Not to mention the caterer, the florist--
Yeah, what about the bagpiper?
- Did he make you get the bagpiper?
- Two!
Identical twin, red-headed piper brothers.
Fergus and Finn.
Hot.
Sol, we'll can take care of it.
Right guys? We'll just--
We'll call everyone and cancel everything.
-It's fine.
-Really?
I hate to be helpful,
but I could use the distraction
while we're waiting for Dad to wake up.
Dad, don't stress. We got it.
Take this off your worry list.
-It's time for a full-body exhale.
-Uh-oh.
-Full-body exhale. Here we go.
-Excuse us.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Drop it!
Release my Cheez-Its!
Aw, man, she really does
need her full 11 hours.
OK, I got to go home,
check on the house,
get a change of clothes. Wait!
I need to fix this insurance stuff
before Robert wakes up.
And get a change of clothes.
Did I say that?
OK, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go to your house
so you can stay here
-and take care of everything else.
-I couldn't ask you to do that.
Well, you didn't. I offered.
Text me a list of what you need
and I'll bring it back for you.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Insurance.
Let me hold that.
-Bye, Mom.
-Oh. Hey, guys.
Somebody should be here
if Robert wakes up.
-Coyote, will-will you stay?
-Of course.
I love to watch guys sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I like sleep.
I prefer it to running errands
for my ex-husband.
Why are we doing this for him?
Because, Frankie. It's what one does.
It's not what I does.
I've been here for 48 fucking hours--
Whatever, Mary Lou.
Why don't you work at McDonald's?
-Whoa.
-Yeah, I know stuff.
No, you don't.
-Yes, I do.
-Mommy, look! Free crackers!
Nothing's free.
You-- Frankie!
Whoa.
This is a lot more loot
than Sol and I got for our wedding.
Mighta had something to do with the
50 other couples you were married with.
Oh, man, they got a Vitamix?
I always wanted one of those.
They get everything, don't they?
Maybe Sol will trip over it
when he comes back.
Actually, will you help me move
some of these things out of the way?
Oh, whatever, Mary Lou.
Why don't you... Lou.
Why don't you go to McDonald's
and get me--
-Forget it. You'll never learn it.
-Everybody a burger.
Hello.
Oh! No solicitors.
No, no, I-I live across the street,
and I saw an ambulance here
a couple of days ago.
-Are you Gladys Kravitz?
-No, I'm Lucy.
Oh, Grace! Grace!
She knows me. Grace.
-Lucy. Hello.
-Hello.
Listen, what's going on?
I've been very worried.
Robert had a heart attack,
but he's all right.
-Ah! He's all right?
-Yeah, he's fine.
Oh, well, I'm so relieved.
We're all relieved.
Thanks for stopping by, Luce.
Yeah, you're welcome.
It's just so crazy.
I mean-- Oh, those are from us.
Ken and I were just here for dinner
with the boys and Robert looked just fine.
-You, you had dinner with them?
-Well, it was their turn to host.
And let me say that Robert
makes a mean mojito.
-Robert?
-Well, you know,
Ken and I have always
wanted to get to know you, too.
But, you know, you were busy
with the kids and work,
and rushing out of the car
to your house,
and rushing from the house to the car.
So...
How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand?
Poor Sol. He must be worried sick.
He is so wonderful.
-Do you know Sol?
-Clearly I-I know nothing.
Well, I hope that you
get to meet him some day.
Sol has the soul of the Buddha,
he has the heart of Mother Teresa.
And, oh, those soulful eyes!
How they twinkle when you know he's--
You know, since you love Sol so much,
maybe you could take him his underwear.
Oh, Frankie.
-Well, I suppose I could.
-No. We're OK.
-Thank you for stopping by, Lucy.
-OK. All right.
-Well, you know, I'm available.
-We'll give him your regard.
No. You give him a hug.
Oh, my God.
Let's do this and get out of here.
-What?
-I don't know. It's just... different.
You want to leave?
What is that coffee table
doing floating out in space?
And this chair?
Looks like it dropped out
of a wormhole from the Tang Dynasty.
Everything is just wrong.
And what's with the ottoman
that looks like a yeti?
-That's Sol's, right?
-Yeah. He loves that thing.
Well, it belongs by the window,
or... out the window, actually.
Did you know I even sewed a stupid pocket
on it for his stupid reading glasses?
Which he never used because they were
always under a stupid couch cushion.
Sol did not put
these glasses on his list
because he thinks he has his extras,
which he doesn't,
because they are always
under his favorite pillow.
Ha-ha. Ta-da!
It's like a circus trick that
not many people would be interested in.
Including me. Let's get out of here.
No, you stay down here.
I'm gonna do the upstairs stuff.
-Oh, brother.
-There's a brown sweater,
Xanax, mouth guard.
-God, I hope there's a case on that.
-Well, the Xanax will not be upstairs
because he keeps that
with all his other drugs,
which are with the spices
in the kitchen.
Well, that makes about as much sense
as a sarape on a velvet couch.
And the brown sweater
is in a cedar box he keeps in the closet
so that it will smell like the cabin
where he first read Catcher in the Rye.
-You're kidding.
-Damn it, knowledge, leave my head!
We can't get the deposits,
but we can try to get some money back.
We should play up the heart attack.
Say the surgeon had to go back in
because they left a Coke can inside.
-Over the top.
-Shot glass. Dice.
-Bow tie?
-Is the surgeon a riverboat gambler?
Look, I'll call the vendors,
you guys divide the guest list.
Wouldn't it be better if you took the list
since all of these people
like you better than me?
Exactly. The guests will be so eager
to get off the phone with you
that it'll all go by more quickly.
A brutal yet fair point.
You're smarter than I give you credit for.
Though I do wonder how Princess Goody
Two-Tits is gonna get one single penny
from the big, bad potentially
mob-affiliated vendors.
Wuh-whoa. Big sister throw-down.
The same way I beat you out
for Commissioner of Youth Activities
by using my sweet demeanor
and sugar cookies to get elected
while you used intimidation
and then promised to blow everyone.
-Game on.
-I didn't do it.
There wasn't enough time before voting.
Hey.
Did you read my play?
Did you give me a play?
You didn't read it yet?
Um...
Well, what was your play about?
Oh... So cute.
Oh...
Ee! Cold.
Oh...
Little baby spoons.
What are you doing?
-What does it look like I'm doing?
-Stealing from our ex-husbands.
-Are you going to tell?
-No.
Take a spoon so I know you're cool.
I'm not telling them,
because you're not doing it,
because it's not something one does.
Come on!
They're getting all this new stuff
for their wedding and we get nothing.
I thought you wanted to go home.
I do. Don't I deserve some kind of
compensation for my services?
I usually get paid 300 bucks
for marrying people. Plus a tip.
-Give that to me.
-No, no. It makes me so happy.
-I don't care. Give it to me.
-Give it.
-Frankie, give it to me!
-Give it!
Is that the hospital?
Sol wants his earplugs.
Which he keeps by the fishbowl
so he'll be reminded to feed the fish
before going to sleep.
Fine. I'll get them.
Wait. Up against the wall.
You seem to be enjoying yourself.
-Really?
-I miss you already.
So the money you say we owe
is for a special surgeon,
our surgeon called in
during my husband's surgery
-who's not in our network?
-That is correct.
Whom we didn't know about and never met.
That is correct.
But had we known about this surgeon,
in the time it would have taken
to be janked around
and rejected by insurance,
my husband would have died on the table!
But then you wouldn't owe $35,000.
Look, my husband had a heart attack.
If he sees this bill he's going to
have another, which can't happen,
because he's got to get healthy
because there's some stuff
I need to process with him--
that I can't talk about--
but let's just say some shit
is going down!
What if we refuse to pay?
Interesting question.
No one's ever been clever enough
to try that before.
Actually, the hospital will sue you
and come after your wages.
Who's next?
That's right, no wedding. Yeah.
Don't come. Buh-bye.
No, you have a great day, Spencer.
And can I just say
what a pleasure it has been
to work with such
an absolute professional.
I'm gonna give you a five star Yelp review
right this second.
OK, you too. Buh-bye. Ha.
A very respectable 40 percent refund
from the florist.
New friend made. Flies, honey.
Oh, right, your mother had the same thing.
Except with clots. That must have been
very upsetting for you, Mrs. Mathison.
I just did five calls in line for coffee,
how many have you done?
This is the first.
She's having a lot of feelings.
Yes! The caterer is refunding
everything but the deposit. Mm.
Hold it.
What about all the food they prepared?
That's just gonna go to waste?
Oh, no. I completely forgot.
Oh, wait, no, I didn't.
It's all being donated to the
homeless shelter that Dad and Sol support.
-Shazam!
-OK.
You're a mother of four.
Have some self-respect.
Hey.
-Did you get it?
-Uh, what? Your play?
My hot dog.
Oh, I don't think
that's such a good idea.
The lady said I could have it.
-What... What lady?
-Ella Fitzgerald.
OK, I think I've got everything.
Did you get the rest of your stuff?
Frankie?
For Pete's sake.
Hey, now.
Where's the stuff from Sol's list?
How should I know? I'm on strike.
I'm lying upside-down on the job.
Well, in case you haven't noticed,
we are in crisis-mode now.
Oh, ple-- Yesterday was a crisis.
This is Sol wanting his Stim-u-dents.
You have been acting
like a petulant teenager all day.
-Whatever.
-No, seriously.
You have got to let go
of some of this crap.
I'm trying to.
After the wedding, I felt almost good.
And what do you do?
Drag me back to this hellscape.
It's a place.
A house where people live. That's it.
Oh, really? The minute you walked in here
you started getting twitchy.
You don't want to be here
any more than I do.
-It doesn't matter what I want.
-Oh, it exactly does matter.
You are so caught up
in this bullshit obligation and what for?
-What has it gotten you?
-Do we really have to answer
every existential question
about our lives right now?
No, no, not every one.
But how about this one:
What do you want?
-What?
-Right now. Right this minute.
Of course. I-I'm not surprised.
You couldn't even come up with one wish.
Fine.
Grace?
Grace!
A little help!
Oh, shit.
Hi. Is this Finn or Fergus?
Oh, I have both of you.
I've bagged two pipers.
Yes, we've hidden all
of Robert's valuables from the nurses.
Well, uh, I don't think it matters
how Filipino she is, Aunt Irma.
Well, I'm sure somebody
stole his socks,
-but that is not what killed Uncle Dave.
-Get off.
-Wait--
-Hi, Aunt Irma. Bye, Aunt Irma.
And, Aunt Irma?
Get that racist shit together, OK?
-Watch some documentaries.
-What the hell?
Sorry, there's just way too much talking.
We have over 60 people to do.
You know what, Bud,
you're not capable of doing this.
I am just going to send out an email blast
to the entire wedding list.
-"To Whom It May Concern. Wedding off."
-Oh, that's friendly.
-That's real friendly. Let me do it.
-What?
No. You'll just do that feel-good
psychobabble bullshit subterfuge.
-It's called being human.
-No, it's called being a pussy.
But just get to the facts, pussy.
-You want the facts?
-Yes.
You want the facts?
I'll give you the facts!
How about "Dear Beloved Guest,
Sol fucked Frankie,
and Robert had a heart attack
because he eats sausage for every meal.
That's not a gay thing.
He really eats a lot of sausage.
But everything's fucked
because they got married anyway.
Wedding canceled. Send gifts.
Fuck you!"
-Happy now?
-Yes.
Ho--
-Oh.
-No.
No.
What the hell?
-Hey.
-Hey.
Come here.
Why did you use all those drugs?
Um...
I guess because...
I only really liked myself
when I was on them.
Why didn't you come talk to me?
I...
didn't know I could. I...
Always.
Stop it.
OK.
The bad news is that
the email did go wide.
The good news is that
it was auto-corrected.
-Uh-huh.
-Oh, God, what did it say?
"Dear Beloved Guzzle,
Vin Diesel fucked Frankie,
and Robert hatha yard attack
be causal bleeds Sausalito,
California every day."
Oh, my God, I am so relieved
it was Vin Diesel who slept with my mom.
-OK. It's OK.
-Guys, that was really scary.
- Phew.
- Woo!
Whoa. Whoa. Head rush.
Oh, come on.
That thing you said about suing people
got my attention.
So I chatted up a few folks,
and you know what?
Everybody I met owes this hospital money.
But how can that be?
How is this happening?
Since this isn't my area of the law,
I ran my questions
by a colleague in malpractice
and she told me that in addition to having
a very high rate of billing code error,
you guys have set a record
in the area for surprise charges,
and litigating against patients,
and I'm pretty sure
that under the Affordable Care Act,
Federal Regulation 7-8-9-5-4,
you're not supposed to do that.
Funny. This isn't my area,
but I've learned so much today
I'd like to branch out.
What do you say?
Maybe I move into class action
and I represent these good people
and we sue your hospital's ass off?
I'll just get my manager.
Your constraints mean nothing to me.
My feet are like sparrows.
Fly, feet.
You fat flightless penguins.
Ah...
Yes. Jackpot.
I thought you left.
I figured you might need a ride home.
How'd you get out of that thing?
I jimmied my way out
with Sol's pocketknife,
which he keeps with his nighttime
peanut butter and cracker kit,
which I would never have known about
if I didn't know him so damn well.
-That's ironic.
-Oh, knowledge.
Get out of my head and don't come back.
-Be gone. Forever.
-I-- Hold this, will you?
I gotta move this ottoman.
It is so wrong it's driving me crazy.
How anyone in God's name
would want to put an...
That's why the coffee table
is way out there.
And why they put the ottoman here.
So they can sit here.
Under this blanket with their feet up.
Together.
It's not all wrong.
It's just the house of two people
who could give a fuzzy rat's ass
where things are supposed to go
as long as they're next to each other.
It's warm.
It wasn't like this when I lived here.
Oh, thanks.
I'm sorry that I lashed out.
Oh, it's OK.
What you said about
my not having a wish, it's true.
But see, the thing is...
I don't have any practice
because I don't actually make wishes.
-Never have.
-Come on. Not even on your birthday?
Mm.
No. It's too stressful.
Everybody wants cake.
Not even when you were a kid?
I used to tell myself I'd do it after
everybody left the party, but I never did.
And then it became easier
not to make any wishes at all.
Yeah, don't ever make them,
can't ever be disappointed.
Exactly.
You might want to get on that before,
you know, you like, expire.
-How?
-Well, if I had to guess,
I'd say black mold or disgruntled waiter.
You...
So?
What? A... a wish?
-Can I start small?
-Of course.
OK.
I wish I didn't have to schlep
all this stuff back to the hospital.
Well, now that's a wish
we can do something about.
And I'd also like to make amends
for drinking all the crème de menthe
at Thanksgiving and blaming it on Brianna.
Well, she did do a lot of other things.
Yeah, but she didn't steal your cigars and
re-sell them for cash, that was also me.
I burned down your tool shed, I stole
the Virgin Mary from your nativity scene--
That's it.
I'm good with your amends.
-Hello, love!
-You're awake.
-There's my husband.
-How are you feeling?
-I'm great.
-Hello.
I missed you.
Jeez. You had the easy job.
-I got really lucky.
-Mm.
-Hi, Daddy.
-Aw, here are my babies.
-You're back! I was-- Oh. Sorry.
-What?
Are you OK?
Yeah. Yeah.
It's just some boring cramps
from the babies I'm gonna have.
-Babies? You're having twins?
-Wait a second, you're pregnant?
Why didn't you tell us?
Well, Dad, I didn't want
to steal your medical thunder.
Give us a hug! Oh, sweetheart.
It's Mom.
Hey, hey. Don't say anything
about the babies, OK?
I'll tell her later.
-Thank you.
-Mazel tov.
Hi, honey.
-Thanks, Lucy!
-Uh-huh.
-You're a pal.
-Oh, it's my pleasure.
How's your dad?
-He's great.
-Good. Listen,
sweetheart, change of plan, um...
We're sending a friend to bring Sol's
stuff and then I'm taking Frankie home.
- Oh, by way of Del Taco.
- By way of Del Taco.
Get some rest, Mom.
-We love you.
-Love you, too.
Let me see it again.
Oh.
Whatever, Mary Lou.
Why don't you work at McDonald's?
Oh, God, I've never loved you more.
I know. I learned it from my grandson.
-You ready to go?
-Wait. One thing.
I know how to say "bullshit"
in American Sign.
Because see? The bull.
Now I'm ready.
- Oh, oh!
- My babies. They're back.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Who's Vin Diesel?
Dr. Bender, paging Dr. Bender, please.
He's OK, Grace.
Everything went really well.
They just moved him out of recovery
- and he's in his room.
- Oh, thank God.
-I've been praying for him.
-Me too.
What's happening?
Is there news?
Your dad made it through surgery
with flying colors.
He's going to be just fine.
That's so good!
-Ah... Let me just--
-Sorry... Yeah.
-Wow.
-I was still asleep.
That was special.
He looks so small in that bed.
I can almost see what he looked like
when he was a boy.
When he wakes up should I tell him
Frankie and I had intercourse?
-No! No!
-Are you crazy?
OK. That was my instinct.
Just checking.
Sorry to interrupt, but I'm looking
for Mr. Hanson's spouse?
Well, I guess that would be me.
I am the spouse.
Well, don't get too excited.
I'm from the billing department.
Oh.
I love you so much.
Wow. They really are married, aren't they?
They really are.
I need gluten.
Oh. My powers are weak.
Your powers are fictional.
Oh, God.
We don't look a day over 350.
I would've loved being born
in the 17th century.
Of course I would have died in my 30s.
-I look like our mailman.
-Let's go.
Hey, kids,
I feel my trademark energy waning,
and I could really use
a bowl of Grape-Nuts.
So unless one of you has some,
I-- I'm just gonna skedaddle.
-OK.
-Bye, Frankie.
- Bye, Momma.
- Bye, Mom.
-Don't ask.
-What's wrong?
Our insurance is balking
at the bill, plus, I just remembered
there are 80 people
coming to our house in 48 hours
for a wedding that's already happened.
Not to mention the caterer, the florist--
Yeah, what about the bagpiper?
- Did he make you get the bagpiper?
- Two!
Identical twin, red-headed piper brothers.
Fergus and Finn.
Hot.
Sol, we'll can take care of it.
Right guys? We'll just--
We'll call everyone and cancel everything.
-It's fine.
-Really?
I hate to be helpful,
but I could use the distraction
while we're waiting for Dad to wake up.
Dad, don't stress. We got it.
Take this off your worry list.
-It's time for a full-body exhale.
-Uh-oh.
-Full-body exhale. Here we go.
-Excuse us.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Drop it!
Release my Cheez-Its!
Aw, man, she really does
need her full 11 hours.
OK, I got to go home,
check on the house,
get a change of clothes. Wait!
I need to fix this insurance stuff
before Robert wakes up.
And get a change of clothes.
Did I say that?
OK, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go to your house
so you can stay here
-and take care of everything else.
-I couldn't ask you to do that.
Well, you didn't. I offered.
Text me a list of what you need
and I'll bring it back for you.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Insurance.
Let me hold that.
-Bye, Mom.
-Oh. Hey, guys.
Somebody should be here
if Robert wakes up.
-Coyote, will-will you stay?
-Of course.
I love to watch guys sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I like sleep.
I prefer it to running errands
for my ex-husband.
Why are we doing this for him?
Because, Frankie. It's what one does.
It's not what I does.
I've been here for 48 fucking hours--
Whatever, Mary Lou.
Why don't you work at McDonald's?
-Whoa.
-Yeah, I know stuff.
No, you don't.
-Yes, I do.
-Mommy, look! Free crackers!
Nothing's free.
You-- Frankie!
Whoa.
This is a lot more loot
than Sol and I got for our wedding.
Mighta had something to do with the
50 other couples you were married with.
Oh, man, they got a Vitamix?
I always wanted one of those.
They get everything, don't they?
Maybe Sol will trip over it
when he comes back.
Actually, will you help me move
some of these things out of the way?
Oh, whatever, Mary Lou.
Why don't you... Lou.
Why don't you go to McDonald's
and get me--
-Forget it. You'll never learn it.
-Everybody a burger.
Hello.
Oh! No solicitors.
No, no, I-I live across the street,
and I saw an ambulance here
a couple of days ago.
-Are you Gladys Kravitz?
-No, I'm Lucy.
Oh, Grace! Grace!
She knows me. Grace.
-Lucy. Hello.
-Hello.
Listen, what's going on?
I've been very worried.
Robert had a heart attack,
but he's all right.
-Ah! He's all right?
-Yeah, he's fine.
Oh, well, I'm so relieved.
We're all relieved.
Thanks for stopping by, Luce.
Yeah, you're welcome.
It's just so crazy.
I mean-- Oh, those are from us.
Ken and I were just here for dinner
with the boys and Robert looked just fine.
-You, you had dinner with them?
-Well, it was their turn to host.
And let me say that Robert
makes a mean mojito.
-Robert?
-Well, you know,
Ken and I have always
wanted to get to know you, too.
But, you know, you were busy
with the kids and work,
and rushing out of the car
to your house,
and rushing from the house to the car.
So...
How do you catch a moonbeam in your hand?
Poor Sol. He must be worried sick.
He is so wonderful.
-Do you know Sol?
-Clearly I-I know nothing.
Well, I hope that you
get to meet him some day.
Sol has the soul of the Buddha,
he has the heart of Mother Teresa.
And, oh, those soulful eyes!
How they twinkle when you know he's--
You know, since you love Sol so much,
maybe you could take him his underwear.
Oh, Frankie.
-Well, I suppose I could.
-No. We're OK.
-Thank you for stopping by, Lucy.
-OK. All right.
-Well, you know, I'm available.
-We'll give him your regard.
No. You give him a hug.
Oh, my God.
Let's do this and get out of here.
-What?
-I don't know. It's just... different.
You want to leave?
What is that coffee table
doing floating out in space?
And this chair?
Looks like it dropped out
of a wormhole from the Tang Dynasty.
Everything is just wrong.
And what's with the ottoman
that looks like a yeti?
-That's Sol's, right?
-Yeah. He loves that thing.
Well, it belongs by the window,
or... out the window, actually.
Did you know I even sewed a stupid pocket
on it for his stupid reading glasses?
Which he never used because they were
always under a stupid couch cushion.
Sol did not put
these glasses on his list
because he thinks he has his extras,
which he doesn't,
because they are always
under his favorite pillow.
Ha-ha. Ta-da!
It's like a circus trick that
not many people would be interested in.
Including me. Let's get out of here.
No, you stay down here.
I'm gonna do the upstairs stuff.
-Oh, brother.
-There's a brown sweater,
Xanax, mouth guard.
-God, I hope there's a case on that.
-Well, the Xanax will not be upstairs
because he keeps that
with all his other drugs,
which are with the spices
in the kitchen.
Well, that makes about as much sense
as a sarape on a velvet couch.
And the brown sweater
is in a cedar box he keeps in the closet
so that it will smell like the cabin
where he first read Catcher in the Rye.
-You're kidding.
-Damn it, knowledge, leave my head!
We can't get the deposits,
but we can try to get some money back.
We should play up the heart attack.
Say the surgeon had to go back in
because they left a Coke can inside.
-Over the top.
-Shot glass. Dice.
-Bow tie?
-Is the surgeon a riverboat gambler?
Look, I'll call the vendors,
you guys divide the guest list.
Wouldn't it be better if you took the list
since all of these people
like you better than me?
Exactly. The guests will be so eager
to get off the phone with you
that it'll all go by more quickly.
A brutal yet fair point.
You're smarter than I give you credit for.
Though I do wonder how Princess Goody
Two-Tits is gonna get one single penny
from the big, bad potentially
mob-affiliated vendors.
Wuh-whoa. Big sister throw-down.
The same way I beat you out
for Commissioner of Youth Activities
by using my sweet demeanor
and sugar cookies to get elected
while you used intimidation
and then promised to blow everyone.
-Game on.
-I didn't do it.
There wasn't enough time before voting.
Hey.
Did you read my play?
Did you give me a play?
You didn't read it yet?
Um...
Well, what was your play about?
Oh... So cute.
Oh...
Ee! Cold.
Oh...
Little baby spoons.
What are you doing?
-What does it look like I'm doing?
-Stealing from our ex-husbands.
-Are you going to tell?
-No.
Take a spoon so I know you're cool.
I'm not telling them,
because you're not doing it,
because it's not something one does.
Come on!
They're getting all this new stuff
for their wedding and we get nothing.
I thought you wanted to go home.
I do. Don't I deserve some kind of
compensation for my services?
I usually get paid 300 bucks
for marrying people. Plus a tip.
-Give that to me.
-No, no. It makes me so happy.
-I don't care. Give it to me.
-Give it.
-Frankie, give it to me!
-Give it!
Is that the hospital?
Sol wants his earplugs.
Which he keeps by the fishbowl
so he'll be reminded to feed the fish
before going to sleep.
Fine. I'll get them.
Wait. Up against the wall.
You seem to be enjoying yourself.
-Really?
-I miss you already.
So the money you say we owe
is for a special surgeon,
our surgeon called in
during my husband's surgery
-who's not in our network?
-That is correct.
Whom we didn't know about and never met.
That is correct.
But had we known about this surgeon,
in the time it would have taken
to be janked around
and rejected by insurance,
my husband would have died on the table!
But then you wouldn't owe $35,000.
Look, my husband had a heart attack.
If he sees this bill he's going to
have another, which can't happen,
because he's got to get healthy
because there's some stuff
I need to process with him--
that I can't talk about--
but let's just say some shit
is going down!
What if we refuse to pay?
Interesting question.
No one's ever been clever enough
to try that before.
Actually, the hospital will sue you
and come after your wages.
Who's next?
That's right, no wedding. Yeah.
Don't come. Buh-bye.
No, you have a great day, Spencer.
And can I just say
what a pleasure it has been
to work with such
an absolute professional.
I'm gonna give you a five star Yelp review
right this second.
OK, you too. Buh-bye. Ha.
A very respectable 40 percent refund
from the florist.
New friend made. Flies, honey.
Oh, right, your mother had the same thing.
Except with clots. That must have been
very upsetting for you, Mrs. Mathison.
I just did five calls in line for coffee,
how many have you done?
This is the first.
She's having a lot of feelings.
Yes! The caterer is refunding
everything but the deposit. Mm.
Hold it.
What about all the food they prepared?
That's just gonna go to waste?
Oh, no. I completely forgot.
Oh, wait, no, I didn't.
It's all being donated to the
homeless shelter that Dad and Sol support.
-Shazam!
-OK.
You're a mother of four.
Have some self-respect.
Hey.
-Did you get it?
-Uh, what? Your play?
My hot dog.
Oh, I don't think
that's such a good idea.
The lady said I could have it.
-What... What lady?
-Ella Fitzgerald.
OK, I think I've got everything.
Did you get the rest of your stuff?
Frankie?
For Pete's sake.
Hey, now.
Where's the stuff from Sol's list?
How should I know? I'm on strike.
I'm lying upside-down on the job.
Well, in case you haven't noticed,
we are in crisis-mode now.
Oh, ple-- Yesterday was a crisis.
This is Sol wanting his Stim-u-dents.
You have been acting
like a petulant teenager all day.
-Whatever.
-No, seriously.
You have got to let go
of some of this crap.
I'm trying to.
After the wedding, I felt almost good.
And what do you do?
Drag me back to this hellscape.
It's a place.
A house where people live. That's it.
Oh, really? The minute you walked in here
you started getting twitchy.
You don't want to be here
any more than I do.
-It doesn't matter what I want.
-Oh, it exactly does matter.
You are so caught up
in this bullshit obligation and what for?
-What has it gotten you?
-Do we really have to answer
every existential question
about our lives right now?
No, no, not every one.
But how about this one:
What do you want?
-What?
-Right now. Right this minute.
Of course. I-I'm not surprised.
You couldn't even come up with one wish.
Fine.
Grace?
Grace!
A little help!
Oh, shit.
Hi. Is this Finn or Fergus?
Oh, I have both of you.
I've bagged two pipers.
Yes, we've hidden all
of Robert's valuables from the nurses.
Well, uh, I don't think it matters
how Filipino she is, Aunt Irma.
Well, I'm sure somebody
stole his socks,
-but that is not what killed Uncle Dave.
-Get off.
-Wait--
-Hi, Aunt Irma. Bye, Aunt Irma.
And, Aunt Irma?
Get that racist shit together, OK?
-Watch some documentaries.
-What the hell?
Sorry, there's just way too much talking.
We have over 60 people to do.
You know what, Bud,
you're not capable of doing this.
I am just going to send out an email blast
to the entire wedding list.
-"To Whom It May Concern. Wedding off."
-Oh, that's friendly.
-That's real friendly. Let me do it.
-What?
No. You'll just do that feel-good
psychobabble bullshit subterfuge.
-It's called being human.
-No, it's called being a pussy.
But just get to the facts, pussy.
-You want the facts?
-Yes.
You want the facts?
I'll give you the facts!
How about "Dear Beloved Guest,
Sol fucked Frankie,
and Robert had a heart attack
because he eats sausage for every meal.
That's not a gay thing.
He really eats a lot of sausage.
But everything's fucked
because they got married anyway.
Wedding canceled. Send gifts.
Fuck you!"
-Happy now?
-Yes.
Ho--
-Oh.
-No.
No.
What the hell?
-Hey.
-Hey.
Come here.
Why did you use all those drugs?
Um...
I guess because...
I only really liked myself
when I was on them.
Why didn't you come talk to me?
I...
didn't know I could. I...
Always.
Stop it.
OK.
The bad news is that
the email did go wide.
The good news is that
it was auto-corrected.
-Uh-huh.
-Oh, God, what did it say?
"Dear Beloved Guzzle,
Vin Diesel fucked Frankie,
and Robert hatha yard attack
be causal bleeds Sausalito,
California every day."
Oh, my God, I am so relieved
it was Vin Diesel who slept with my mom.
-OK. It's OK.
-Guys, that was really scary.
- Phew.
- Woo!
Whoa. Whoa. Head rush.
Oh, come on.
That thing you said about suing people
got my attention.
So I chatted up a few folks,
and you know what?
Everybody I met owes this hospital money.
But how can that be?
How is this happening?
Since this isn't my area of the law,
I ran my questions
by a colleague in malpractice
and she told me that in addition to having
a very high rate of billing code error,
you guys have set a record
in the area for surprise charges,
and litigating against patients,
and I'm pretty sure
that under the Affordable Care Act,
Federal Regulation 7-8-9-5-4,
you're not supposed to do that.
Funny. This isn't my area,
but I've learned so much today
I'd like to branch out.
What do you say?
Maybe I move into class action
and I represent these good people
and we sue your hospital's ass off?
I'll just get my manager.
Your constraints mean nothing to me.
My feet are like sparrows.
Fly, feet.
You fat flightless penguins.
Ah...
Yes. Jackpot.
I thought you left.
I figured you might need a ride home.
How'd you get out of that thing?
I jimmied my way out
with Sol's pocketknife,
which he keeps with his nighttime
peanut butter and cracker kit,
which I would never have known about
if I didn't know him so damn well.
-That's ironic.
-Oh, knowledge.
Get out of my head and don't come back.
-Be gone. Forever.
-I-- Hold this, will you?
I gotta move this ottoman.
It is so wrong it's driving me crazy.
How anyone in God's name
would want to put an...
That's why the coffee table
is way out there.
And why they put the ottoman here.
So they can sit here.
Under this blanket with their feet up.
Together.
It's not all wrong.
It's just the house of two people
who could give a fuzzy rat's ass
where things are supposed to go
as long as they're next to each other.
It's warm.
It wasn't like this when I lived here.
Oh, thanks.
I'm sorry that I lashed out.
Oh, it's OK.
What you said about
my not having a wish, it's true.
But see, the thing is...
I don't have any practice
because I don't actually make wishes.
-Never have.
-Come on. Not even on your birthday?
Mm.
No. It's too stressful.
Everybody wants cake.
Not even when you were a kid?
I used to tell myself I'd do it after
everybody left the party, but I never did.
And then it became easier
not to make any wishes at all.
Yeah, don't ever make them,
can't ever be disappointed.
Exactly.
You might want to get on that before,
you know, you like, expire.
-How?
-Well, if I had to guess,
I'd say black mold or disgruntled waiter.
You...
So?
What? A... a wish?
-Can I start small?
-Of course.
OK.
I wish I didn't have to schlep
all this stuff back to the hospital.
Well, now that's a wish
we can do something about.
And I'd also like to make amends
for drinking all the crème de menthe
at Thanksgiving and blaming it on Brianna.
Well, she did do a lot of other things.
Yeah, but she didn't steal your cigars and
re-sell them for cash, that was also me.
I burned down your tool shed, I stole
the Virgin Mary from your nativity scene--
That's it.
I'm good with your amends.
-Hello, love!
-You're awake.
-There's my husband.
-How are you feeling?
-I'm great.
-Hello.
I missed you.
Jeez. You had the easy job.
-I got really lucky.
-Mm.
-Hi, Daddy.
-Aw, here are my babies.
-You're back! I was-- Oh. Sorry.
-What?
Are you OK?
Yeah. Yeah.
It's just some boring cramps
from the babies I'm gonna have.
-Babies? You're having twins?
-Wait a second, you're pregnant?
Why didn't you tell us?
Well, Dad, I didn't want
to steal your medical thunder.
Give us a hug! Oh, sweetheart.
It's Mom.
Hey, hey. Don't say anything
about the babies, OK?
I'll tell her later.
-Thank you.
-Mazel tov.
Hi, honey.
-Thanks, Lucy!
-Uh-huh.
-You're a pal.
-Oh, it's my pleasure.
How's your dad?
-He's great.
-Good. Listen,
sweetheart, change of plan, um...
We're sending a friend to bring Sol's
stuff and then I'm taking Frankie home.
- Oh, by way of Del Taco.
- By way of Del Taco.
Get some rest, Mom.
-We love you.
-Love you, too.
Let me see it again.
Oh.
Whatever, Mary Lou.
Why don't you work at McDonald's?
Oh, God, I've never loved you more.
I know. I learned it from my grandson.
-You ready to go?
-Wait. One thing.
I know how to say "bullshit"
in American Sign.
Because see? The bull.
Now I'm ready.
- Oh, oh!
- My babies. They're back.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Who's Vin Diesel?