Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Bender - full transcript

[chanting in foreign language]
If you're a ghost, I'm a friend.
-What if I'm Babe?
-Oh, Babe!
-Ah!
-Oh, my God.
-I didn't know you were back.
-I'm back.
And look! I've got a new wagon.
-What's in it?
-Just a little spring cleaning.
I saw your fire ceremony
from my bedroom window
and I wanted to get in on it.
Oh, Babe, I was cleansing myself
of an ugly corporate chapter of my life.
Aww.
But I don't want to talk about me.
I want to talk about you.
I want to hear all about your travels.
Same old, same old. The Great Wall,
the Berlin Wall, the Wailing Wall.
The whole world is just a bunch of walls.
Now, come on, catch me up.
[laughs] Let's see. [clears throat]
Robert and Sol told us they were lovers,
so I moved in here with Grace.
Sol and Robert got married,
now they're getting divorced
because Sol was unfaithful
with a woman who turned out to be me.
And I almost made nine million dollars.
You and Grace are living together?
[dog barking]
[distant sirens]
[heavy sigh]
[cat yowls nearby]
I wasn't really expecting today
to go like this.
But I'm so glad it did.
Me, too.
So... how do we do this exactly?
I think we've reached that point
in the evening
where you ask me
if I'd like to come in.
-Do you want to come in?
-I do.
But I don't want you
to think I'm easy.
Believe me, I know you're not easy.
[Babe laughing] Ah!
What's so funny?
Oh, I'm just trying
to picture you two down here
hanging over waffles
in the morning.
-It's been a process.
-Oh, I thought you hated Grace.
Hate's such a strong word.
It's the word you used when
you said things like, "I hate Grace."
Thank God I could vent about her
on our walks.
You know,
she vented about you, too, sunshine.
-When?
-On my walks I took with her
right after the walks I took with you.
-You did a lot of walking.
-I did.
-My ass looked good then.
-Your ass looks good now.
So, how's Grace been managing
with all this drama?
Like a champ. With my help, of course.
And you know, like,
how she was always a skinny,
emotionally shut down drill sergeant?
Now she's a skinny, not so
emotionally shut down drill sergeant.
Where is she?
I want to give her a squeeze.
Upstairs sleeping. She's going through
a lot of rough stuff right now.
I'm sure she'll tell you,
but it's very private,
so it's not for me to say.
She reconnected with this guy
that she'd been in love with for years
and it didn't work out.
He has a sick wife.
I'm sure she'll tell you.
If only her neighbor
were throwing a party,
maybe that'd cheer her up.
-A Babe party?
-The Babe party.
It's gonna be the party
to end all parties.
I don't know how it could
beat the last one.
It went on for 24 hours.
Are you gonna have that little monkey
that picks pockets?
Oh, no. I'm done with her owner.
He doesn't think Patton Oswalt's funny.
Fuck that noise.
[both laugh]
-[indistinct chatter nearby]
-[dog barks in distance]
-Turns out you are easy.
-[chortles]
God, I've missed you.
-I had some moments of missing you, too.
-[sighs]
But I played it pretty close to the vest.
Feels good holding you again.
I thought you were holding me
so I didn't drop to the floor.
Sorry the bed's so small.
Don't be. It was the best night's sleep
I've had in weeks.
-Me, too.
-[both sigh]
-[fire truck horn blowing]
-[sirens blaring]
This place is way worse in the daylight.
Fortunately,
it never gets brighter than this.
Why would you move in here
in the first place?
I don't know.
I guess after what I did to you...
it's what I thought I deserved.
I will never again doubt how bad you felt.
And I'm sorry.
[inhales, exhales deeply]
Oh, good morning.
Try again.
Bad morning?
Can I get you something?
A larger sphere of personal space.
It's the one thing I'm out of.
[Grace] Then, no.
[Frankie]
OK, here's what we need to do.
We're gonna start Frankie Bergstein's
three-step emotional healing system,
-patent pending.
-No.
Step one: talk about it.
You need to purge.
-It's essential for closure.
-No.
And I've got watermelon.
It's everyone's favorite low-calorie food.
Basically celery
in a Lilly Pulitzer dress.
Can we move on to step two
so I can say no to that?
Step two: art therapy.
-No.
-I soaked you an extra lump of clay.
I just want to get into my bed...
and watch that show
where terrible people buy tiny houses.
All right. But I want you to know
I'm proud of you.
I know it was hard to say no to Phil...
but it's so much better that
you stopped it before it started.
Yeah, well--
No, I'm not gonna let you
put a negative spin on this.
You are my shero.
-Please don't tell me why.
-I'll tell you why.
You were strong
when you made a clean break.
You weren't weak like I was
when I slept with Sol.
[Grace sighs]
Why are you defiling my watermelon?
Because they don't sell them like this.
Isn't it a little early
for that watermelon to be drunk?
I'm talking about you, Grace.
You're the watermelon.
I'm not having it now.
It has to marinate.
I'm cooking.
You know, you should share that with Babe.
She's back.
She is?
Oh, God, I'd love to see her,
but not right now.
The boys are coming today to meet Jacob.
You want to join us for crafts?
You talking to me or the watermelon?
'Cause the watermelon's not coming.
I'm the watermelon.
You want me to cancel
so I can be with you?
Oh, please don't feel hurt, but I...
I need some alone time.
Yes, alone time
is all part of the process.
You can vlog. You can write
your feelings in the sand.
You can jump in the pool
and do some underwater yelling.
I think I'm just gonna take myself
for a walk on the beach.
-[rock music plays]
-Mmm.
Best martini in town. Another.
If you think I'm gonna ask you why
you're drinking at 11 in the morning,
you've come to the wrong bartender.
That's exactly why I'm here.
No talking, just drinking.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Are we really braiding garlic?
I think it's Mom's idea
of a group bonding activity.
Hm. [sniffs]
Are you really packing a Dry Lady Dry?
Mom asked me to pick it up.
Man, I cannot believe
she is back on deodorant.
Well, maybe she's just trying to
get ahead of the garlic. Frankie B!
[chuckles]
[exhales]
Up or down? Down or up?
-What?
-My hair.
Oh, down.
Oh, God, I've got-- I better go fix it.
Oh, you know my...
What about my dress?
[stammers] Is it like too-- Is it--
I'm trying-- Am I trying too--
I mean, my hands are so sweaty.
I hope you like him. I think you will.
I know he's gonna like you.
He's really a great-- I'm-- I--
I'm pretty sure you'll like him, too.
I-- Oh, God, I'm so nervous.
You can't tell, can you? Really?
-Not at all.
-Whoa.
Our mom is using store-bought deodorant
for a man that isn't our dad.
Or Art Garfunkel.
[scoffs] She is leaning in, man.
Yeah.
Do you think this guy's the real deal?
Well, she seems pretty sure about him.
And she deserves to have somebody.
Maybe he's that someone.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Or maybe he's that someone
that blows in with all the sizzle and jazz
of a master garlic braider,
only he's braiding
someone else's garlic on the side.
-That would suck.
-Not on my watch.
-[knock on door]
-I'm really nervous now too.
Well, hey-hey. Here he is.
Hey, guys. Great to finally meet you.
Your mom talks about you two all the time.
I got a few more boxes in the car.
We will give you a hand.
Bud...
-I love him.
-You just met him.
No, no, I can tell. He's solid, man.
-I got great instincts.
-You have terrible instincts.
-That's what you're known for.
-No--
-[rock music plays]
-[cheering]
Suck on that, bitches.
I think she's hustling us.
-Yeah.
-You're next, Abandoned Husband.
OK.
I hope you're not as bad as Workers' Comp.
You think he'd be better
with all that free time on his hands.
[both laugh]
Hey.
Hey, you. Excuse me. How much
do you have to drink to not feel anything?
[voice falters] If you're still asking...
you're not even close.
Hello?
OK, maybe you should slow down.
It's 12:15.
But I'm having a good time
with my friends.
Workers' Comp,
Been-Here-Since-Last-Night,
-and...
-Abandoned Husband.
Yeah. I love these guys.
Hey, let's start a darsleague.
Darts league.
A round for my darts league.
We need a name.
"Who Darted"?
-Did you get it?
-Yeah.
Hey, that's some pretty stellar braiding
you got going on.
Oh, thanks. [chuckles]
Bud, look at you.
-Yeah.
-Super first attempt.
Thanks, but I've actually done it before.
Hey, man. Every braid is unique.
I think it was Thoreau who said,
"I was not designed to be forced.
I will breathe after my own fashion."
-Whoa.
-Even your depths have depth.
-So good.
-I have no idea what you just said.
So what can you tell us about yourself,
Jacob?
Well, I was born in a pretty small town
in upstate New York--
Mom said you were married.
What happened there?
-When and how did things go south?
-Bud.
Oh, it's OK. I don't mind.
My ex-wife wanted out of the marriage,
but, um, it was the right thing to do
for both of us.
-Was it amicable?
-Oh, yeah. We're good.
She's remarried,
but we still do holidays together.
On too-good-to-be-true-island?
I think it's super cool
that you have a farm.
Yes. How are your yields?
Do you do OK for yourself?
I'm comfortable.
Well, that is a relief because, uh,
Mom's not as wealthy as this beach house
might lead a person to believe.
How was the shower?
The shower is worse than the bed.
And I would use the word "shower" loosely.
It's more of a random drip.
I had to run around to get fully wet.
-[laughs]
-Sorry. And don't use the hair dryer.
It's downright dangerous.
Unless you need to light the stove.
-[laughs]
-Sit down. Breakfast is served.
Doesn't this look lovely.
Special K or Corn Chex?
Offering a selection, are we?
[French accent] But of course.
Merci.
Special moment. Special K.
We only have one spoon. I'll use the fork.
You don't mind?
It actually achieves
the perfect milk-to-cereal ratio
-I've been searching for my entire life.
-[chuckles]
-Bon appétit.
-[chuckling]
[car horn passes nearby]
[muffled hip hop music blares]
Right on time.
-Every day?
-Every day I've been here.
Sir? If I may?
We gotta get out of here.
-And quickly too. Let's go home.
-[cackling]
-[rock music continues]
-Boom. What else you got?
Concerns about your drinking?
Well, then you're in the wrong
line of work, sissy.
Hey... for this next one,
surprise me.
OK, I have the perfect thing.
What's in there?
It is a water and water with a water back.
-I'm not thirsty, I just want a drink.
-You need to take a breather.
-No, you're too drunk!
-I'm cutting you off.
Oh, yeah?
Well, we'll just see about that.
Somebody, give me a boost.
-Ah...
-I knew it'd be you.
-[both laugh]
-[grunts]
[grunts] Now you have to serve me.
It's the law.
-Ah...
-[moaning]
Hey! Hey! That is it.
You guys, that is it.
Get off!
Hey, off! Go. I am taking you home.
Where are your keys and where is your car?
-[laughs] At home.
-OK, fine.
I'm gonna put you in a cab.
No, I'm putting you in a cab.
I'm putting all of you in a cab!
Why are you going all Leaving Las Vegas
on me right now?
I mean seriously,
what is wrong with you today?
I thought you were the bartender
who doesn't ask questions?
Usually, yeah. That guy you just kissed?
Abandoned Husband? His name is Pete.
And Been-Here-Since-Last-Night?
That is his wife.
You mean Abandoned Husband is just...
Husband?
Oh, God, they're all over the place.
Let's leave before you do
something else you'll regret.
No, I don't want to go home.
They talk too much about feelings there.
I hate it.
OK, you're going home. Come on.
And you know what else? I lied.
You don't make the best martinis in town.
Cheesecake Factory does.
Are you a fan of whimsy? Answer carefully.
Hey! Hey! Cashmere. Cashmere.
Are you interrogating my boyfriend?
No. I'm just asking a series
of pointed questions
in order to get the truth.
That's different.
You are supposed to build bridges
with garlic and words.
Or... find out if he has
a secret love child with Cher.
You have asked him that five different
times in five different ways
and his answer every time is "no."
That's not true. The last time his answer
was, "Why do you keep asking me that?"
What is this about? Do you not like Jacob?
-[sighs] He seems perfectly nice.
-He is.
Until he's not.
Dad's the nicest guy in the world
and he broke your heart.
-I mean, what's this guy gonna do?
-I don't know.
Yeah. That answer terrifies me.
I just-- I can't let you get hurt again.
Well, I may be hurt again,
because sometimes that's what happens
in a relationship.
And it's not your job
to protect me from that.
-I feel like it is.
-I'm telling you it isn't.
I just want to make sure
that somebody's looking out for you.
Oh, sweetheart.
Why don't you chill the eff out
and give Jacob a chance?
[Coyote] No, wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute, wait.
You worked on the Hubble telescope?
I worked on a team that worked for a team
that worked on the Hubble telescope.
[Frankie] He's being modest.
-He has a letter from the president.
-No way.
Once I was held back
from riding an elevator
because the first lady
was riding in it.
[Coyote] Do you have stories?
Or is it-- Is it top secret?
I get it. I get it.
-You'll tell me later.
-[objects clattering in kitchen]
[Grace] I can fix it.
Grace?
I like one-third cake,
one-third berries and two-thirds cream.
That's four-thirds.
I guess it is.
Here she comes. Ooh.
-Are you drunk?
-Oh, I hope so. I drank enough.
[gasps] Oh...
[delighted moans]
Oh, that is so good.
Why don't I eat cake more?
Oh.
How about some coffee?
Nah, it keeps me up.
-Mmm.
-[laughs]
-Oh, how are you, Jacob?
-Can't complain.
Oh, you guys, you make a great couple.
You're gonna make
beautiful babies one day.
Oh, I think that ship has sailed.
Oh, right. Because
you're afraid of sex in the vagina.
-OK. Party's over.
-No. Why?
You're always telling me to eat
and I'm eating.
This is how I do it.
Bud told me he was done.
-Bud did not say that.
-Grace, what are my eyes saying?
Oh, probably more of your hippie bullshit.
-That was harsh.
-OK.
I think somebody's ready for bed.
No! No, I'm ready to purge.
Isn't that what we do here?
We purge our feelings.
[hiccups]
That along with a bunch of other stuff.
Come on. Beddy-bye. This is not the time
or the place to purge our feelings.
-Come on, you goonch.
-Passive resistance.
-No, use your feet.
-Is that what gets you off?
You're being mean to me.
Because I just realized how much
better off I was without you.
How can you say that to me?
-Because you're a bully.
-How am I a bully?
You bullied me into Phil.
You bully me into feelings.
I don't want to feel!
Then don't. I don't care.
You liar. You do care.
Because if your "Better Grace"
project doesn't work out,
I'm just like everything else you do.
A total failure!
And we're done. Come on.
Oh! I'm not done! I'm still eating.
Give me some cake.
-Take it to go.
-I love him.
-Where do you want her?
-How about the middle of the ocean?
No, no, no. She's-- She's just kidding.
Hey, she was just kidding.
She was just kidding.
[Coyote] You OK?
Oh, yeah.
Mm. That looks good, love.
Thank you for making dinner.
Thank you for going "Mm" when
you know it's cashew-cheese lasagna.
[sighs]
What?
Nothing, it's just...
All I can see is you hunched over there
after the heart attack.
And I haven't been able to sit there
since the night you told me about Frankie.
Maybe we should eat in the dining room?
Where Grace and I told our daughters
I was leaving her?
-That was a fun brunch.
-Right.
How about the sun room?
Where Stan Singer almost caught us
kissing New Year's Eve, 1999?
Why did we risk kissing that night,
anyway?
It was Y2K.
We thought the world was ending.
Ahh...
I suppose we could eat on the stairs.
Where you almost bludgeoned me
with a toilet plunger?
[sighs] It's this whole house, isn't it?
But it's your house.
But it's never been ours.
I was happier this morning
with you in that dump.
-You want to go back?
-No, no.
But I think we should
call a realtor in the morning.
Wow. That's...
an exciting idea.
But where do we
actually eat tonight's dinner?
-At a restaurant.
-Mm!
OK.
[wind chimes tinkling]
[sighs]
Frankie?
Frankie?
"I threw away your alcohol.
You're welcome.
And don't worry,
I recycled the bottles."
Oh, fuck.
Oh...
[sighs]
[sighs]
I can't believe how mad I am
that Grace made me so mad.
I mean, she was so drunk,
I don't even know why I was listening,
although sometimes that's when
the things you really mean come out.
When you're not thinking.
That's the whole theory behind improv.
I'm gonna have a hell of a walk
with her tomorrow.
Oh, please don't. She's too mean
to deserve a walk with you.
I hate to change the subject but,
critical juncture:
Racing car or snail in a top hat?
What about cross-eyed bear?
I feel bad for him.
Marty Feldman,
you're coming to the party.
-[gleeful squeal] He's so cute.
-[Babe laughs]
Almost makes you think twice
about beating him to a pulp,
which I am going to do.
[both laugh]
[Babe] Beep, beep! Beep, beep!
Beep, beep!
[car thuds]
Fuck.
Oh.
Come on.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
it looks like we're all out of that size.
-We have other brands.
-No. Just give me the size you do have.
We have these fun little baby sized ones.
I mean, not baby as in a baby, but--
Great.
How many of these equal a regular bottle?
Like, probably a hundred.
[register beeps]
[engine revs, tires squeal]
We've got masks, we got pilgrim hats,
we got a great deal
on 2013 sunglasses.
We just need that kid to come back
with the helium.
Now I appreciate you letting me
put whatever I want into the cart,
but I'm a little confused as to theme.
I have a theory, dare I say wish...?
Hit me.
A sweet sixteen party
for your breast reduction.
Close. [chuckles]
-A bon voyage party.
-For you?
-Pour moi.
-[starts to speak French]
I don't know French.
Well, if you want a tarot card reading
from Jean-Pierre, I suggest you learn.
Are you really going away again?
You just got back.
I'm still basking in the glow
of your joie de vivre.
I do know French.
Where are you going this time?
Can I tag along?
I'm sorry, honey, you can't come.
Please? I'm really fun to be with,
and I really need a vacation from Grace.
-I'm sure you do, but this isn't it.
-Why?
Because I'm going to the one place
you don't come back from.
A Carnival cruise?
[chuckles] No, sunshine.
That's not where I'm going.
Ma'am? Would you like me
to ring this up for you?
-Yes, please.
-OK.
Bye-bye, Babe.
The party to end all parties.
My God.
And I need you to help me.
Oh, come on!
[cell phone rings]
Hello?
Hey, Frankie. It's Grace.
I need you to come pick me up.
Find your own way home.
Oh, wait. I have coupons.
[chuckles]