Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 6, Episode 6 - Where the Vile Things Are - full transcript
With Ivy's help, Chuck discovers there is evidence incriminating his father and enlists Nate to help retrieve it. Serena volunteersto help Dan, but unexpected emotions arise.
Gossip Girl here...
your one and only source
into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.
Can we please turn it off?
You manipulated me into
thinking that it was over
so I would cheat on her.
And I can't marry someone who
always has another sex tape
or surprise scheme up their sleeve.
You wanna grab a burger?
So Bart was using the
horses to hide the money
he was buying illegal oil with?
He did it so he could avoid federal prison.
Lola returned it to me.
That's Carol's portion of Cece's estate.
I never thought I'd be
grateful to Cece Rhodes.
Miss Eleanor call. She
saw photos of cotillion.
She say she come home
to fix decorum disaster.
And who am I?
That's a secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me.
X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl.
6x06
Where The Vile Things Are...
(Gossip Girl) They say the
early bird gets the worm.
Inspiring motivation... if you're the bird.
The worm, however, has no idea
when her future will be plucked away
by the next airborne attacker.
My mother's plane landed 45 minutes ago.
Look, alive, people!
She was so furious that my
cotillion dress was associated
with Serena's sickening sex tape.
Everything must be perfect.
And "perfect" does not
include tabloid contraband.
Hand it over.
[ Little Birds
by White Arrows plays ]
Get this out of my sight.
My mother cannot see that revenge smut.
On second thought, you go with it.
How dare Humphrey write that
I am conniving, manipulative,
and stuck in high school?
I am not all scheme and no substance.
Hell have no fury like
a lonely boy scorned.
Well, he doesn't matter.
When my mother sees the dress orders,
she will be so busy singing my praises
that she won't have time
to pay attention to...
Pay attention to what, Blair?
What don't you want me paying attention to?
Mother! Welcome home!
What is this, "Downton Abbey"?
Everyone, back to work!
(Employees murmuring)
(Sighs) Dorota, when did
you become a seamstress?
Get my bags,
take them back to the
house and start keeping it.
This is not fooling anyone.
You. Office. Now.
(Door slides closed)
I know you're upset, mother,
but my cotillion dress
has already been ordered
by the three B's...
Barneys, Bergdorf's,
and the lesser but still
relevant Bloomingdale's.
I achieved your goal.
At the cost of my company's reputation.
A few sales do not make up
for a runway strip show and sex tapes,
and bandage dresses
without the... the bandages.
Well, I admit a shift in marketing
strategy may be called for.
No, the... the issue goes deeper
than that, Blair. It's you.
You and your... your split personality.
Well, you must be referring
to my ability to multitask.
I am referring to your dark and scheming
and, frankly, sexually inappropriate side.
I like to think of myself as open-minded?
For as long as I can remember,
you have struggled
between your two natures.
I know that you are a
beautiful, intelligent,
ambitious young businesswoman.
But if you want to continue to run
my multimillion-dollar corporation,
the deviant half has to go.
For good!
I understand.
There won't be an issue.
My Grace Kelly can defeat my Grace Jones,
no problem.
Uh-huh.
Well, honestly, I've...
I've slept so much better
since you found out
that Lola returned the money
from Cece's estate to me.
I'm really sorry I kept
that a secret from you.
I'm just glad everything's out in the open
and you had the money to save the gallery
in time for tonight's opening.
I'm so excited it's finally happening.
Are there any last-minute details
you want me to take care of?
Well, we need to give the
caterer a final head count.
(Stool scrapes floor)
Do you remember how many R.S.V.Ps we had?
I never checked, but...
I'm sure everyone's coming.
Uh...
What's wrong?
Well, this can't be right.
They're all regrets.
What happened to your
art world connections?
No "Art Forum" editor.
(Taps keys)
No major collectors.
Hey, even Bex said "no."
What the hell happened?
(Elevator bell dings)
You surfing the Empire CCTV again?
What, is Olivia Munn staying here?
Wrong place.
This is the security footage
from the Van Der Woodsen building.
How'd you get your hands on that?
Well, Vanya can't be
bribed, but the night doorman
was remarkably open to a cash payment.
So what are you looking for?
When Ivy was in the apartment,
she said Bart walked in
with an envelope he held
on to rather tightly.
I was hoping to see
a return address or some
distinguishing marks.
Did you find anything?
Indeed.
The envelope had the seal
of the first international bank of Sudan.
The financial records
from his illegal oil trade?
I assume so, but Bart closed
all the accounts that morning.
And he's not about to show
you what's in the envelope
or tell you where it is.
He won't, but someone else might.
Bruce Caplan dropped the
envelope off to Bart that morning.
The Bass business manager?
He won't spill any of
Bart's secrets to you.
He won't, but if the head
of "The Spectator" were
to ask for business management advice...
He might accidentally let something slip.
Especially if it's the kind
of meeting that loosens lips.
Okay.
Yeah. Thank you.
Well, I figured out why no
one's coming to our opening.
Turns out there's a huge
benefit tonight at the Conrad
for the art production
fund. Guess who's hosting.
Lily.
She must've figured out
when you were planning
on opening your gallery,
scheduled her own benefit to sabotage you.
Well, it's not just me she's sabotaging.
It's my artists, too.
This group show was a big deal to them.
How am I gonna explain that no one's coming
because of my vindictive ex-wife?
Well, everyone would still
come if her event was canceled.
Oh, she's not gonna cancel
a huge benefit for me.
She won't even take my call.
I'm not calling her.
I'm calling the art production fund.
I feel like donating some money.
Good morning, Daniel.
Good morning.
Thank you for letting
me stay in Eric's room.
Can I make you and Bart a cup?
Oh, no. I'm good, thanks.
And Bart is out of town.
I'm on my way to Via
Quadronno to meet the girls
before my benefit meeting.
How's that going, by the way?
I forgot how much I enjoy throwing a party
without having my husband
standing over my shoulder,
judging me.
I mean Rufus, of course,
not Bart.
Forgive me, Daniel.
You can never offend me with the truth.
Nonfat cappuccino, extra foam, no sugar.
You remembered.
Yeah, well, it's been a while,
almost as long as since we woke up
in the same apartment together.
Unless you count the Waldorfs'. Remember?
(Taps tablet)
I certainly forgot this
was coming out today.
Yeah. We've both burned a
lot of bridges this year.
But at least we have each other.
And I couldn't be more grateful
for you letting me camp out,
but I... I don't want
to overstay my welcome.
I finally got my first
paycheck for "Vanity Fair,"
so I think it's time for
me to find my own place
and let you get back to your life.
Yeah. I mean, we can't hide
out here forever. (Chuckles)
(Chuckles)
But, hey, if you... if you
need to find a new place,
I... I know someone who knows everyone,
who has terrific instincts for real estate,
and who happens to have an afternoon free
to look at apartments with you.
Who?
Oh. Right. Yeah, that's you. Okay.
So do you have any idea
what neighborhood you want?
I can't get far enough
away from my dad right now,
so Brooklyn's out.
So Upper East Side?
I was... I was thinking lower.
(Laughs)
What's funny about that?
Oh, I know you like the idea
of saying you live in an L.E.S. walk-up,
but we both know you well enough to know
you secretly long for a
condo in the West Village.
Fine. A doorman would be nice,
but I'll just lie about
how much rent I pay.
Okay, let's take a cab to West Fourth then.
No, we got a ride.
You bought a Vespa?
(Chuckles) That's right.
I forgot how much you like Vespas.
But I got so used to driving
one around Italy this summer
that I decided I couldn't live without.
Here. Hop on.
(Men) Serena! Serena!
(Man) Hey, I loved that sex tape!
Serena, Serena, over here!
No.
Turn around and give me a smile, Serena.
When's the sequel? Talk to us.
Spotted... S. and D. getting cozy again.
Even I have to admit they
sure look cute on that scooter.
(Engine rumbling)
(Turns off engine)
Oh, my gosh. That was amazing!
You were... you were like Jason Bourne,
riding up on the sidewalk.
You know, that sex tape...
I knew it went viral,
but I didn't expect that.
Well, given the media circus,
maybe today's not the day to
be searching for apartments.
Nobody wants a tenant trailed by TMZ.
(Camera shutter clicks)
That's great.
All right, we should
probably get off the streets.
Yeah. I could use a drink.
You know what? I know a place
where no one will think to look for us.
Perfect.
(Engine revs)
(Cork pops)
Thank you.
So, Bruce, is there
anything else I can get you?
Wow. Crystal and Cristal
is my favorite combination.
But maybe we'd better get
to that urgent business
matter you mentioned.
Well, there are certain things
about "The Spectator" finances
I would like to remain confidential.
I wonder if you could advise me
on the safest way to keep those hidden.
Storing confidential information
is... a specialty of mine.
But I like to work on a
client-by-client basis.
Could you give me some examples?
I'm sorry. Uh, my clients
depend on my discretion.
Besides, I don't want
to talk about that now.
(Chuckles)
Send me your books. I'll
make a recommendation.
In the meantime,
I... would like to take the
rest of this... meeting...
elsewhere.
(Giggling)
Don't forget your jacket.
Oh.
(Elevator bell dings)
Thanks.
(Woman giggles)
Why did you let him leave
without getting the information?
He wasn't gonna give it to me,
so I figured I'd just take it.
(Elevator bell dings, doors open)
I will admit you have taken steps.
Like the... the peonies
were an elegant addition
to the handwritten apologies you sent
to each of the board
members of the cotillion.
And poppy did seem touched by my donation
to her charity for
children who can't smile.
Sound like Miss Blair show
great grace and dignity.
Yes, that's right, Dorota.
My mother has shown me
the errors of my way.
So now you can return to Paris,
reassured that your company's
on the straight and narrow.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I said steps,
as in the first of many
on the road to recovery.
Well, I have already admitted
that I am powerless over my scheming,
and that my life has become unmanageable.
What else is there?
Amends to the fashion community
which informs the masses.
Hello, Blair.
I had Dorota prepare a light lunch.
I'll let you girls... chat.
How could someone who hides
everything for everyone else
pick his birthday for
his password? (Laughs)
I underestimated you, Nathaniel.
Well, you're not the
first person to say that,
but there's nothing under the
international bank of Sudan.
Then pull up my father.
Bruce said he had different methods
for hiding information
for different clients.
Maybe there's a record of it.
There's nothing here but
addresses and phone numbers.
Then look at the calendar
the morning he dropped off the envelope.
Maybe there's a clue to where he went.
Wait. There's an entry
here from the morning.
It says "Bass traffic."
(Indistinct conversations)
(Glasses clatter)
(Man) I'm sorry. We're not
open to the public just yet.
Oh, we have an appointment.
Rufus Humphrey. Hi.
This is Ivy Dickens.
Benedict Tate.
I'm doing P.R. for tonight's event.
So please, how can I be of assistance?
We would like to purchase
all of the artwork.
I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but tonight's silent
auction is expected to raise
hundreds of thousands
of dollars. (Chuckles)
How many hundreds?
5?
7?
You know, 8 has always
been a lucky number for me.
So now you can, uh,
cancel your expensive party
and send everyone home.
I'm... I'm sorry. I think
there's been a misunderstanding.
I am happy to deliver
all the artwork to you
after the event, but it's
too late an hour to cancel.
And, well... (Chuckles)
we need something on the walls.
Then I have an idea that may
help you raise even more money.
(All wrong and the plans
change's "Deals" playing)
*
When we came here on our first date,
you didn't know how to hold the cue.
Did you spend the last five
years taking billiard lessons?
I could always play.
You hustled me.
Well, no. I... I just wanted
to make you feel better
after your epic French ordering failure.
Or maybe you were looking for an excuse
for me to put my arms around you.
A girl never reveals her secrets.
(Cell phone alert chimes)
Unless you're Gossip Girl.
Spotted... two old flames
slumming it on memory lane.
Who doesn't love a sequel?
Did she give our exact location?
Yeah, which means our mob of new friends
are probably already camped outside.
We're just fueling their
fire by being together.
Why don't I go out front with the Vespa?
I'll distract 'em, and you just
sneak out back and grab a taxi.
Well, we don't have to go right now.
I'm just about to win.
Please. Let's... let's not
make my humiliation official.
And the sooner we get
out of here, the better.
*
This was nice, though. I'll miss it.
Mm.
*
Traffic.
Traffic jam.
Traffic light. Maybe they
had a meeting in a car.
Or it's Bart's oil trafficking
or something else he's illegally selling.
Like a nuclear bomb in a briefcase.
You watch too many movies.
So does Bruce.
Wait. That's it.
The movie "Traffic" is right here.
I remember in that film,
the head of the drug cartel
stored his illegal account information
in the back of a painting.
What, you think that's where Bart hid
whatever was in the envelope?
Well, there's a lot of paintings
in the Van Der Woodsen apartment.
I'm just, unfortunately,
still banned from the building.
I guess I'll have to pay them a visit.
So I called and I called
and I called and I called,
and then I just never heard from him again.
Is that the end of the story?
Mm-hmm.
Wow. You really are so... entertaining.
So when my mother returns,
tell her that I apologized
and that we're best friends.
I'm sorry, Blair. This was
fun, but I won't do that
because it's not the truth.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
(Whispers) Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
I have been cordial to you
for the last... 52 minutes.
Do you have any idea
the psychological torture
that I have endured being nice to you?
I should have just skipped
ahead to this from the start.
It that me as Mrs. Mingott in a fat suit?
That was embarrassing.
Agreed, which is why you don't want this
bouncing around the blogosphere.
No one wants to take
fashion advice from her.
Mother!
Ladies, how are we getting along?
Famously.
Blair just tried to blackmail me.
I'm sorry, Eleanor. I tried.
This is all Nelly's fault.
She was clearly lying because
she's always been jealous of me.
The only thing clear
is that Daniel Humphrey
was right about you.
You read that dreck?
On the plane.
And his... his central thesis is correct.
You are running my business
like you're still the
meanest girl in high school.
I am trying.
Relapse is part of recovery.
Please, just give me one more chance.
I'm sorry, Blair. It's over. I can't.
I have no other choice but to demote you
and take back the presidency
of Waldorf Designs,
effective immediately.
Watch out, B.
They say you're only as
good as the company you keep,
and right now you're not keeping any.
What's going on?
Why are you taking down
the paintings for my event?
I think you mean our event.
Since everyone in the art
world is coming here tonight
instead of my gallery opening,
I decided to have my opening here.
That's outrageous. I'm
gonna talk to Benedict
and have him reinstall my art immediately.
Well, that would be difficult
since we own it all now.
Lily, welcome.
I see you've met our
new event co-sponsors.
I have,
and I'm not thrilled that
my carefully curated pieces
are being replaced without
even so much as a phone call.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry.
I never imagined that you'd object
to raising more money for
such a worthwhile cause.
Lily, Rufus and Ivy have helped A.P.F.
Break fund-raising records.
Certainly, sharing your hosting duties
is a... a small price to pay.
Of course,
which is why you've inspired me
to make my own additional donation,
which I am sure will break their record.
(Vehicles passing, horn honks)
(Door opens)
Hold it right there, Humph-freak!
Do you have any idea what a
mess your article has made?
No, but I'm guessing you're gonna tell me
even if I keep walking.
My mother demoted me, thanks
to your disparaging drivel.
Right, and I'm sure it had nothing to do
with your work-related behavior.
Fix this,
or when I'm done with
you, you won't even have
Georgina Sparks' couch in Brooklyn.
I will fly Vanessa back
from whatever third-world
country she's in if I have to.
Do you hear yourself?
You're trying to bully me
into retracting an article
about you being a bully.
No.
I'm proving to my mother that I am
the mature, polite, professional woman
who should be running Waldorf Designs.
Blair, you tracked me down
with your "Spotted" map
and threatened me with
the return of Vanessa.
You are not mature,
polite, or professional,
and even your own mother knows it.
(Beep)
Nelly?
Do you think you could meet
me at Lily's benefit tonight?
There's something I think
you would want to hear.
And you're sure there's nothing?
There's nothing in any of this art.
It could be subtle.
Tape on the backing or rip in the seam.
No, there's nothing.
And the back of artwork is really boring.
(Door closes)
Hold on one second.
Someone's coming.
Nate? What are you doing here?
I am just writing a story on
Lily's artwork for "The Spectator."
Oh, for the A.P.F. benefit tonight?
Yeah. Exactly.
What are you up to?
Uh, just rereading an old short story.
Hey, is everybody a writer these days?
It... no, it's Dan's.
Wow. Aren't you getting
enough of him in "Vanity Fair"?
It's the one from "The New Yorker."
You know, the story about the
first time he saw me at that party.
Do not tell me in some
twisted turn of events that
that sex tape made you miss him.
No, it's just...
we spent some time together,
and... I don't know. It... it
brought up some old memories.
Serena, you're really vulnerable right now
after Steven broke up with you.
It's too soon to have
real feelings for Dan.
But what if those feelings
never really went away?
That high school kid
you fell in love with...
that's not who he is anymore, okay?
He almost cost me "The
Spectator" to sell his serial.
And he exploited all
of us in those chapters.
I know. You're right. (Elevator bell dings)
I mean, he has become a
selfish egomaniac who will...
Serena...
destroy his friends for...
for money and attention,
for fame and...
Ahem.
I know how much you like
chocolate-covered strawberries.
Dan, wait.
Hey, listen, I better get going.
Wait. What about the
auction Serena mentioned?
Look around. Is there anything missing?
That painting of the rainbow woman is gone.
Oh.
My Richard Phillips has arrived.
Lily, are you sure?
You know, it's one of my favorite pieces
in my collection, but
it is for a good cause.
And I've already sent Bart an e-mail,
and I know he will agree.
This is incredibly generous.
In fact, we're gonna have a live auction
just for this special piece.
I know she will be the star of the show.
This work of art appears
to be a work of Bart.
Let the bidding begin.
[ Trophy Kids
by My Fiction plays ]
This is Spencer Sweeney, Patrick McMullan,
and Fab Five Freddy.
♪ Give me sunshine
♪ and dancing
(bangs gavel)
(Amplified voice) Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Art
Production Fund benefit.
First, I'd like to say a special thanks
to Rufus Humphrey and Ivy Dickens
for their tremendous contribution tonight.
(Applause)
Careful, Lily.
You paid a lot of money
to fill those worry lines.
Listen, you vile little interloper,
you and Rufus may have rubbed
your last two nickels together
to replace my art,
but the only people that
you're making fools of
are yourselves.
But tonight, folks,
the centerpiece of this event
will be a special live auction
of Richard Phillips' "Spectrum"...
(Audience murmurs)
courtesy of Lilian Bass'
personal collection.
Bidding will begin shortly.
As I was saying, you
can pretend to be Lola,
you can pretend to be Serena,
but you will never be me.
I don't want to be you.
I want to be better.
Rufus already thinks I am.
*
I always liked that painting.
*
I'm glad to see you two found each other.
Blair.
Nelly was just telling
me you invited her here
to meet with her.
I hope it is to make an official apology.
That I'd love to hear.
I'm not here to apologize to Nelly, mother.
I'm here to apologize to you.
Then what am I doing here?
Shutting up and writing about
it so you can publicly restore
Waldorf designs' pristine reputation.
Blair, what is this about?
Undoing all the damage
my dark side has done.
I'm a bad seed, mother,
so send me away to the
village of the damned.
*
No one expects miracles, darling.
It's been part of you
for 20-something years.
It's not going to go away overnight.
Just maybe sometime before I die.
Y... you don't understand.
The real Grace Kelly had talent.
You have talent.
Even that goth princess
Jenny Humphrey had talent.
But I don't. It's all just pretense.
Well, your record of
achievements prove otherwise.
Everything I have
was from scheming and lying
and working the angles.
I don't have what it takes.
You are Mozart.
I'm Salieri.
No matter how hard I
work, I will never be you,
and I think it was just my dark side
trying to hide that.
So...
effective immediately,
I resign from Waldorf Designs.
(Horns honking)
Did you reach anyone from A.P.F.?
I finally got a hold of an assistant,
but she said they're only
taking bids in person.
How far away are you?
At least ten blocks.
Is there no way around
this, like on the sidewalk?
(Horns continue honking)
[ Knives & Bombs
by My Fictionh plays ]
(Indistinct conversations)
I like that your artists reflect
the same socially relevant projects
we commission at art production fund.
And I like that you can see
the street art influence.
I'm not talking about
the '80s but the '40s...
Dubuffet, Pollack, Ray Johnson.
Yeah, when artists were
the stars of New York
instead of celebutantes.
(Laughs) Yes.
Excuse me. Can I speak to you for a moment?
What can I do for you, Lily?
Are you interested in
one of my Pfahler pieces
to replace your Phillips?
No, thank you,
and I think you've made
your point here, Rufus.
This is a benefit to raise
money for a good cause,
and I won't have your little freeloader
making a mockery of it
by bidding on things she can't afford.
Ivy can afford any painting she wants.
And with what money? I know it's not yours.
You're right.
It's Cece's.
(Bangs gavel)
(Amplified voice) Ladies and gentlemen,
if we are ready to begin,
I would like to start the bidding
for the Richard Phillips
at $500,000.
(Guests murmuring)
$500,000.
I have $500,000.
Lola gave it back to her
when she found out your
mother wanted Ivy to have it.
$500,000. Going once?
$500,000. Do I have $520,000?
$520,000.
She may have been able to con Lola
out of half my mother's estate,
but she'll never get anything of mine.
Do I have $540,000? Going once?
$540,000.
$560,000.
$560,000. Do I have $570,000?
(Ivy) $570,000.
$570,000. $570,000. Do I have $580,000?
$580,000.
$580,000. Do I have $600,000?
$750,000.
$750,000.
(Guests murmuring)
(Serena) I know it sounded bad,
but you heard it out of context.
In what context can "selfish
egomaniac" be positive?
I was telling Nate what a
good time I had with you,
but th...
Yeah, I heard the "but" part.
But that it's confusing for me
because I have spent the
past few months hating you.
I told you I loved you,
and then you rejected
me for my best friend.
You've rejected me for nearly
everyone on the Upper East Side.
Can you blame me for having doubts?
You had more than doubts.
You told me you never
wanted to see me again.
You mean, after you used
me to make a sex tape
to destroy me and your best friend?
I'm not the bad guy here.
You want everyone to believe
you're poor, sweet Dan
Humphrey from Brooklyn,
but you sent that video of Chuck
and Blair into "Gossip Girl"
to try to ruin her wedding,
and then you pinned it on me.
Yeah, I didn't want Blair
to marry the wrong man.
And it's not like you've
never used "Gossip Girl"
to further your own agenda.
Oh, wait. Oh, wait. You were
Gossip Girl for a second.
Only to restore balance after
Georgina's reign of terror...
who... who is now partnering
with you to attack and humiliate
everyone that we care
about in your exposes?
Which leads us back to your reason
for calling me a selfish egomaniac.
You're right. Now I... now I understand.
Good. I'm glad.
I was being sarcastic, Serena.
So was I.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
Look... look, ob...
obviously, too much has happened
over the past five years.
No matter who we are today,
we can't undo the things
we've done in the past,
so it's probably best
we just move on without each other.
Which I will do the second
we get out of this elevator.
(Clank, bell rings, elevator powers down)
$880,000. I have $880,000.
Do I hear $900,000?
$900,000.
$900,000. What do you think you're doing?
$920,000.
I'd ask you the same thing.
Bidding on an item you put up for auction?
I changed my mind when
this gypsy trash wanted it.
She will not have anything
near and dear to my heart.
(Benedict) $940,000 once?
$940,000.
$960,000.
I assure you I won't let
her win if you stop bidding.
And why should I trust you?
I know you teamed up with this charlatan
to cause problems with your father and me.
This painting means
more to me than anything.
$980,000.
What do you think you're doing?
We're supposed to be on the same side.
So you are still aligned with her?
I'm on nobody's side but my own.
(Benedict) $1 million,
ladies and gentlemen.
(Chuck, Lily, and Ivy arguing indistinctly)
$1.1 million.
Do I hear 1.2?
Going once. Going twice.
(Bangs gavel)
Sold for $1.1 million
to the man in front.
Congratulations.
(Cheers and applause)
Revenge is sweet,
especially when you have a sugar mama.
(Cell phone alert chimes)
Unfortunately,
not all families appreciate just desserts.
[ Tara Simmons ] ♪ So much blame
♪ with our heart
I just wanted to congratulate
you and apologize.
I admit that I was out of line
with some of the things
that I said earlier.
And you obviously want something now.
Well, I know how important
it was for you to prove
that you could best me publicly.
And now that you've
achieved what you wanted,
I would love to buy my painting back.
Well, if you wanted it so much,
why'd you put it up for auction?
I had no idea how much it
meant to me till it was gone.
And let's face it, Rufus.
Do you really want that
hanging in your loft,
reminding you of me?
I don't.
We'll give it to a museum...
one far away from Manhattan
where you won't even be able to visit.
Surely there's a price
that will change your mind.
No.
You can't buy us off the
way you do everyone else.
We don't want your money.
What is it you want then?
To make you feel the way
you've made us feel...
humiliated and powerless
and like you're worth nothing.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to make sure they're
packing up our painting.
♪ Now please be gone
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll see you later.
♪
And you remain a kept man.
I never thought I would say this, Lil,
but I think Ivy's right.
You brought this on yourself.
♪
Maybe you should try Vanya again.
It's been, like, 47 seconds since I called.
And unlike last time we were stuck here,
I remembered to use your name.
Oh, if we're recreating that,
you should probably try to crawl
out of the ceiling any moment.
(Chuckles)
I admit that was not
one of my better ideas.
Why... why were you so mad about it, then?
Because I didn't want you to get hurt.
I'm sure you want me to
hit the floor right now.
Throw me down the elevator shaft.
(Chuckles)
Or, hell, you know, you could just
trick me into making another sex tape.
It's the people you know best
that you can hurt the most.
I'm sorry...
I didn't say anything when
you told me you loved me.
It... it was easier to
focus on my anger at Blair
than face the possibility of
getting what I always wanted
and...
and... and losing it again.
What you always wanted?
You know, I had...
a really great time with you today.
I had to believe that you were terrible
in order to protect myself.
Well, you know, I could actually
be terrible if you prefer.
(Chuckles) No. No, thank you. I'm good.
I... I much prefer you this way.
Yeah, the feeling's mutual.
I will try Vanya again.
(Elevator powers up)
Well...
I guess that's my cue.
Or you could come up
and have some chocolate-covered strawberries
before you face the paparazzi.
Yeah. That sounds nice.
(Pushes button)
(Elevator whirring)
(Siren wailing in distance)
(Sighs)
If you've come for a follow-up
interview, I have no comment.
Actually, I came to say
thanks for the exclusive...
and maybe to gloat a little.
How did you know where to find me?
The met steps?
Where else would you go to
make yourself feel better?
My mother always said
you'd peaked in high school.
You mean when no one else spoke
to you besides your mother?
You can make fun of how
unpopular I used to be,
but the person no one
cares about anymore is you.
Then why are you still
sitting below me on the steps?
Habit. Like a headband.
Just a remnant from when
you were a tastemaker.
And all every girl at constance
wanted was to be just like me.
Lucky for all of us, like
the eco-clothing trend,
those days are gone.
You obviously don't shop in Brooklyn.
But thank you, Nelly.
Your misinformation has been invaluable.
Where are you going? You
won't look good in hemp.
But you will, while you eat crow.
I just hope it's not too late.
Thank you so much
for letting us use your
painting in the auction.
Um, Todd Diciurcio,
this is Chuck Bass.
It's a beautiful painting. Excuse us.
Great work tonight.
No thanks to you.
I thought we were on the same team.
We are, which is why you
should sell me that painting.
Lily already tried that.
I hope you turned her down.
That piece is a critical component
of my campaign against Bart.
As you know, if I topple
him, Lily won't be far behind.
What's a queen without her king?
I'll sell you the painting...
for double what I paid.
That's a price I'm willing to pay.
(Chuckles) All right,
I'll have it delivered.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Spotted... Ivy moonlighting as a gallerina.
Better hope this
masterpiece isn't a forgery.
Isn't it weird to say I'm...
I'm glad we got in that fight?
No, no. No, not at all. I am, too.
That storage unit I kept
packed full of old resentments
was getting pretty full.
(Laughs)
You know, I... I feel like I did
when I first came back to
the city from boarding school,
when all I wanted was a fresh start.
Well, you have one now, at least with me.
(Chuckles)
[ Vivid
by Lemonade plays ]
I, uh, should probably take
off. It's getting pretty late.
Oh, did you ever find a place?
Technically, no. But, I mean,
I got that check now, so...
Mm.
I can afford a hotel room. I
don't want to impose too much.
No, you're... you're not imposing at all.
Are you sure? I mean, just this morning,
you were saying you thought
it might ruin our friendship.
Well, I think if we could get
through the last five years,
then we could get through a
few more nights. (Chuckles)
So... y... you can stay.
Or you don't have to.
You can go, too.
Or you can stay. Whatever you want.
♪ All of my love
That's what I want.
♪ All of my life
(slurps)
(Footsteps approach)
I made a mistake.
Many. Who hasn't?
You'll have to be more specific, dear.
When I quit earlier.
I thought that I was using my dark side
to hide the fact that I have no talent.
I wasn't the one who said
you didn't have talent, Blair.
No, but you told me to squash my dark side,
which is my talent. It's my inspiration.
You can't blackmail your
way through business.
Well, I agree, but...
I'm not talking about my management style,
which I admit needs help to
stay on the straight and narrow.
I'm talking about my designs.
Oh, where is this coming from?
High school.
My Grace Kelly did have talent.
She got me straight A's
and the perfect boyfriend.
But it was my Grace Jones
that had everyone wanting to dress like me,
not because they admired my hard work
but because they were
fascinated by my ferocity.
You did instill fear in the hearts of many.
I need to stop trying to
be you and use my power
to form the fashionistas of the future...
With a line for high school girls,
inspired by my Constance uniform.
I'm not sure people want to wear uniforms
if they're not in school.
These won't be the
uniforms they have to wear.
They'll be the uniforms they beg to wear...
ones they see on the girls they want to be.
They own this town.
Uniforms?
Well, they do represent power and authority
and instill a sense of belonging.
And the girls I dress won't follow trends.
They will set them,
just like I did.
You always were very influential.
Please.
Give me one more chance to prove it.
(Clink)
(Men speak indistinctly)
So what do you expect to find?
The financial records of Bart's oil deal.
Which, when I finally hand over to the FBI,
will ensure he spends the rest of his days
playing pinochle with Bernie Madoff.
Thank you.
Well, I guess it's not time
to break out the handcuffs just yet.
Where the hell is that envelope?
Maybe "Traffic" meant something else
or we got the wrong painting.
No. No. Lily was too
determined to get this one.
And the Phillips in my
bedroom has a backing on it.
Then someone took it off.
Then they've got the evidence!
[ Stay
by MNDR plays ]
Remember that silver
bullet we were looking for?
I found it.
(Chuckles)
You know, I really think it's
time for you to come back.
The sooner, the better.
I don't know how much
longer I can keep doing this.
(Door opens)
(Whispers) I gotta go.
(Beep)
One pepperoni pizza, extra cheese to go
with a bottle of Dom Perignon...
an unexpected yet brilliant combination,
just like us.
The Beatles sang,
"Living is easy with eyes closed."
Bart, I am so sorry. I had no idea
that's where you hid the
records of your oil deals.
But even with our eyes open,
we all still have blind spots.
♪ Blood is on my hands
♪ on my hands
♪ oh, stay
♪ wish I could stay in love with you ♪
♪
♪ right here when we
could say something ♪
♪ stay
Or maybe we're just
looking in the wrong place.
So this will be aimed at the 12-to-25 set.
Marc Jacobs has "Marc by"...
Mm-hmm.
And Waldorf Designs will have "B."
Oh, I just love that.
Yeah!
But when we finally do see the light,
it's strawberry fields forever.
♪ Stay
♪ wish I could stay in love with you ♪
♪
Wait a second.
Are you sure?
♪ Wish I could stay in love
X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl.
♪ Well, right now we can stay frozen ♪
your one and only source
into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.
Can we please turn it off?
You manipulated me into
thinking that it was over
so I would cheat on her.
And I can't marry someone who
always has another sex tape
or surprise scheme up their sleeve.
You wanna grab a burger?
So Bart was using the
horses to hide the money
he was buying illegal oil with?
He did it so he could avoid federal prison.
Lola returned it to me.
That's Carol's portion of Cece's estate.
I never thought I'd be
grateful to Cece Rhodes.
Miss Eleanor call. She
saw photos of cotillion.
She say she come home
to fix decorum disaster.
And who am I?
That's a secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me.
X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl.
6x06
Where The Vile Things Are...
(Gossip Girl) They say the
early bird gets the worm.
Inspiring motivation... if you're the bird.
The worm, however, has no idea
when her future will be plucked away
by the next airborne attacker.
My mother's plane landed 45 minutes ago.
Look, alive, people!
She was so furious that my
cotillion dress was associated
with Serena's sickening sex tape.
Everything must be perfect.
And "perfect" does not
include tabloid contraband.
Hand it over.
[ Little Birds
by White Arrows plays ]
Get this out of my sight.
My mother cannot see that revenge smut.
On second thought, you go with it.
How dare Humphrey write that
I am conniving, manipulative,
and stuck in high school?
I am not all scheme and no substance.
Hell have no fury like
a lonely boy scorned.
Well, he doesn't matter.
When my mother sees the dress orders,
she will be so busy singing my praises
that she won't have time
to pay attention to...
Pay attention to what, Blair?
What don't you want me paying attention to?
Mother! Welcome home!
What is this, "Downton Abbey"?
Everyone, back to work!
(Employees murmuring)
(Sighs) Dorota, when did
you become a seamstress?
Get my bags,
take them back to the
house and start keeping it.
This is not fooling anyone.
You. Office. Now.
(Door slides closed)
I know you're upset, mother,
but my cotillion dress
has already been ordered
by the three B's...
Barneys, Bergdorf's,
and the lesser but still
relevant Bloomingdale's.
I achieved your goal.
At the cost of my company's reputation.
A few sales do not make up
for a runway strip show and sex tapes,
and bandage dresses
without the... the bandages.
Well, I admit a shift in marketing
strategy may be called for.
No, the... the issue goes deeper
than that, Blair. It's you.
You and your... your split personality.
Well, you must be referring
to my ability to multitask.
I am referring to your dark and scheming
and, frankly, sexually inappropriate side.
I like to think of myself as open-minded?
For as long as I can remember,
you have struggled
between your two natures.
I know that you are a
beautiful, intelligent,
ambitious young businesswoman.
But if you want to continue to run
my multimillion-dollar corporation,
the deviant half has to go.
For good!
I understand.
There won't be an issue.
My Grace Kelly can defeat my Grace Jones,
no problem.
Uh-huh.
Well, honestly, I've...
I've slept so much better
since you found out
that Lola returned the money
from Cece's estate to me.
I'm really sorry I kept
that a secret from you.
I'm just glad everything's out in the open
and you had the money to save the gallery
in time for tonight's opening.
I'm so excited it's finally happening.
Are there any last-minute details
you want me to take care of?
Well, we need to give the
caterer a final head count.
(Stool scrapes floor)
Do you remember how many R.S.V.Ps we had?
I never checked, but...
I'm sure everyone's coming.
Uh...
What's wrong?
Well, this can't be right.
They're all regrets.
What happened to your
art world connections?
No "Art Forum" editor.
(Taps keys)
No major collectors.
Hey, even Bex said "no."
What the hell happened?
(Elevator bell dings)
You surfing the Empire CCTV again?
What, is Olivia Munn staying here?
Wrong place.
This is the security footage
from the Van Der Woodsen building.
How'd you get your hands on that?
Well, Vanya can't be
bribed, but the night doorman
was remarkably open to a cash payment.
So what are you looking for?
When Ivy was in the apartment,
she said Bart walked in
with an envelope he held
on to rather tightly.
I was hoping to see
a return address or some
distinguishing marks.
Did you find anything?
Indeed.
The envelope had the seal
of the first international bank of Sudan.
The financial records
from his illegal oil trade?
I assume so, but Bart closed
all the accounts that morning.
And he's not about to show
you what's in the envelope
or tell you where it is.
He won't, but someone else might.
Bruce Caplan dropped the
envelope off to Bart that morning.
The Bass business manager?
He won't spill any of
Bart's secrets to you.
He won't, but if the head
of "The Spectator" were
to ask for business management advice...
He might accidentally let something slip.
Especially if it's the kind
of meeting that loosens lips.
Okay.
Yeah. Thank you.
Well, I figured out why no
one's coming to our opening.
Turns out there's a huge
benefit tonight at the Conrad
for the art production
fund. Guess who's hosting.
Lily.
She must've figured out
when you were planning
on opening your gallery,
scheduled her own benefit to sabotage you.
Well, it's not just me she's sabotaging.
It's my artists, too.
This group show was a big deal to them.
How am I gonna explain that no one's coming
because of my vindictive ex-wife?
Well, everyone would still
come if her event was canceled.
Oh, she's not gonna cancel
a huge benefit for me.
She won't even take my call.
I'm not calling her.
I'm calling the art production fund.
I feel like donating some money.
Good morning, Daniel.
Good morning.
Thank you for letting
me stay in Eric's room.
Can I make you and Bart a cup?
Oh, no. I'm good, thanks.
And Bart is out of town.
I'm on my way to Via
Quadronno to meet the girls
before my benefit meeting.
How's that going, by the way?
I forgot how much I enjoy throwing a party
without having my husband
standing over my shoulder,
judging me.
I mean Rufus, of course,
not Bart.
Forgive me, Daniel.
You can never offend me with the truth.
Nonfat cappuccino, extra foam, no sugar.
You remembered.
Yeah, well, it's been a while,
almost as long as since we woke up
in the same apartment together.
Unless you count the Waldorfs'. Remember?
(Taps tablet)
I certainly forgot this
was coming out today.
Yeah. We've both burned a
lot of bridges this year.
But at least we have each other.
And I couldn't be more grateful
for you letting me camp out,
but I... I don't want
to overstay my welcome.
I finally got my first
paycheck for "Vanity Fair,"
so I think it's time for
me to find my own place
and let you get back to your life.
Yeah. I mean, we can't hide
out here forever. (Chuckles)
(Chuckles)
But, hey, if you... if you
need to find a new place,
I... I know someone who knows everyone,
who has terrific instincts for real estate,
and who happens to have an afternoon free
to look at apartments with you.
Who?
Oh. Right. Yeah, that's you. Okay.
So do you have any idea
what neighborhood you want?
I can't get far enough
away from my dad right now,
so Brooklyn's out.
So Upper East Side?
I was... I was thinking lower.
(Laughs)
What's funny about that?
Oh, I know you like the idea
of saying you live in an L.E.S. walk-up,
but we both know you well enough to know
you secretly long for a
condo in the West Village.
Fine. A doorman would be nice,
but I'll just lie about
how much rent I pay.
Okay, let's take a cab to West Fourth then.
No, we got a ride.
You bought a Vespa?
(Chuckles) That's right.
I forgot how much you like Vespas.
But I got so used to driving
one around Italy this summer
that I decided I couldn't live without.
Here. Hop on.
(Men) Serena! Serena!
(Man) Hey, I loved that sex tape!
Serena, Serena, over here!
No.
Turn around and give me a smile, Serena.
When's the sequel? Talk to us.
Spotted... S. and D. getting cozy again.
Even I have to admit they
sure look cute on that scooter.
(Engine rumbling)
(Turns off engine)
Oh, my gosh. That was amazing!
You were... you were like Jason Bourne,
riding up on the sidewalk.
You know, that sex tape...
I knew it went viral,
but I didn't expect that.
Well, given the media circus,
maybe today's not the day to
be searching for apartments.
Nobody wants a tenant trailed by TMZ.
(Camera shutter clicks)
That's great.
All right, we should
probably get off the streets.
Yeah. I could use a drink.
You know what? I know a place
where no one will think to look for us.
Perfect.
(Engine revs)
(Cork pops)
Thank you.
So, Bruce, is there
anything else I can get you?
Wow. Crystal and Cristal
is my favorite combination.
But maybe we'd better get
to that urgent business
matter you mentioned.
Well, there are certain things
about "The Spectator" finances
I would like to remain confidential.
I wonder if you could advise me
on the safest way to keep those hidden.
Storing confidential information
is... a specialty of mine.
But I like to work on a
client-by-client basis.
Could you give me some examples?
I'm sorry. Uh, my clients
depend on my discretion.
Besides, I don't want
to talk about that now.
(Chuckles)
Send me your books. I'll
make a recommendation.
In the meantime,
I... would like to take the
rest of this... meeting...
elsewhere.
(Giggling)
Don't forget your jacket.
Oh.
(Elevator bell dings)
Thanks.
(Woman giggles)
Why did you let him leave
without getting the information?
He wasn't gonna give it to me,
so I figured I'd just take it.
(Elevator bell dings, doors open)
I will admit you have taken steps.
Like the... the peonies
were an elegant addition
to the handwritten apologies you sent
to each of the board
members of the cotillion.
And poppy did seem touched by my donation
to her charity for
children who can't smile.
Sound like Miss Blair show
great grace and dignity.
Yes, that's right, Dorota.
My mother has shown me
the errors of my way.
So now you can return to Paris,
reassured that your company's
on the straight and narrow.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I said steps,
as in the first of many
on the road to recovery.
Well, I have already admitted
that I am powerless over my scheming,
and that my life has become unmanageable.
What else is there?
Amends to the fashion community
which informs the masses.
Hello, Blair.
I had Dorota prepare a light lunch.
I'll let you girls... chat.
How could someone who hides
everything for everyone else
pick his birthday for
his password? (Laughs)
I underestimated you, Nathaniel.
Well, you're not the
first person to say that,
but there's nothing under the
international bank of Sudan.
Then pull up my father.
Bruce said he had different methods
for hiding information
for different clients.
Maybe there's a record of it.
There's nothing here but
addresses and phone numbers.
Then look at the calendar
the morning he dropped off the envelope.
Maybe there's a clue to where he went.
Wait. There's an entry
here from the morning.
It says "Bass traffic."
(Indistinct conversations)
(Glasses clatter)
(Man) I'm sorry. We're not
open to the public just yet.
Oh, we have an appointment.
Rufus Humphrey. Hi.
This is Ivy Dickens.
Benedict Tate.
I'm doing P.R. for tonight's event.
So please, how can I be of assistance?
We would like to purchase
all of the artwork.
I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but tonight's silent
auction is expected to raise
hundreds of thousands
of dollars. (Chuckles)
How many hundreds?
5?
7?
You know, 8 has always
been a lucky number for me.
So now you can, uh,
cancel your expensive party
and send everyone home.
I'm... I'm sorry. I think
there's been a misunderstanding.
I am happy to deliver
all the artwork to you
after the event, but it's
too late an hour to cancel.
And, well... (Chuckles)
we need something on the walls.
Then I have an idea that may
help you raise even more money.
(All wrong and the plans
change's "Deals" playing)
*
When we came here on our first date,
you didn't know how to hold the cue.
Did you spend the last five
years taking billiard lessons?
I could always play.
You hustled me.
Well, no. I... I just wanted
to make you feel better
after your epic French ordering failure.
Or maybe you were looking for an excuse
for me to put my arms around you.
A girl never reveals her secrets.
(Cell phone alert chimes)
Unless you're Gossip Girl.
Spotted... two old flames
slumming it on memory lane.
Who doesn't love a sequel?
Did she give our exact location?
Yeah, which means our mob of new friends
are probably already camped outside.
We're just fueling their
fire by being together.
Why don't I go out front with the Vespa?
I'll distract 'em, and you just
sneak out back and grab a taxi.
Well, we don't have to go right now.
I'm just about to win.
Please. Let's... let's not
make my humiliation official.
And the sooner we get
out of here, the better.
*
This was nice, though. I'll miss it.
Mm.
*
Traffic.
Traffic jam.
Traffic light. Maybe they
had a meeting in a car.
Or it's Bart's oil trafficking
or something else he's illegally selling.
Like a nuclear bomb in a briefcase.
You watch too many movies.
So does Bruce.
Wait. That's it.
The movie "Traffic" is right here.
I remember in that film,
the head of the drug cartel
stored his illegal account information
in the back of a painting.
What, you think that's where Bart hid
whatever was in the envelope?
Well, there's a lot of paintings
in the Van Der Woodsen apartment.
I'm just, unfortunately,
still banned from the building.
I guess I'll have to pay them a visit.
So I called and I called
and I called and I called,
and then I just never heard from him again.
Is that the end of the story?
Mm-hmm.
Wow. You really are so... entertaining.
So when my mother returns,
tell her that I apologized
and that we're best friends.
I'm sorry, Blair. This was
fun, but I won't do that
because it's not the truth.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
(Whispers) Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
I have been cordial to you
for the last... 52 minutes.
Do you have any idea
the psychological torture
that I have endured being nice to you?
I should have just skipped
ahead to this from the start.
It that me as Mrs. Mingott in a fat suit?
That was embarrassing.
Agreed, which is why you don't want this
bouncing around the blogosphere.
No one wants to take
fashion advice from her.
Mother!
Ladies, how are we getting along?
Famously.
Blair just tried to blackmail me.
I'm sorry, Eleanor. I tried.
This is all Nelly's fault.
She was clearly lying because
she's always been jealous of me.
The only thing clear
is that Daniel Humphrey
was right about you.
You read that dreck?
On the plane.
And his... his central thesis is correct.
You are running my business
like you're still the
meanest girl in high school.
I am trying.
Relapse is part of recovery.
Please, just give me one more chance.
I'm sorry, Blair. It's over. I can't.
I have no other choice but to demote you
and take back the presidency
of Waldorf Designs,
effective immediately.
Watch out, B.
They say you're only as
good as the company you keep,
and right now you're not keeping any.
What's going on?
Why are you taking down
the paintings for my event?
I think you mean our event.
Since everyone in the art
world is coming here tonight
instead of my gallery opening,
I decided to have my opening here.
That's outrageous. I'm
gonna talk to Benedict
and have him reinstall my art immediately.
Well, that would be difficult
since we own it all now.
Lily, welcome.
I see you've met our
new event co-sponsors.
I have,
and I'm not thrilled that
my carefully curated pieces
are being replaced without
even so much as a phone call.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry.
I never imagined that you'd object
to raising more money for
such a worthwhile cause.
Lily, Rufus and Ivy have helped A.P.F.
Break fund-raising records.
Certainly, sharing your hosting duties
is a... a small price to pay.
Of course,
which is why you've inspired me
to make my own additional donation,
which I am sure will break their record.
(Vehicles passing, horn honks)
(Door opens)
Hold it right there, Humph-freak!
Do you have any idea what a
mess your article has made?
No, but I'm guessing you're gonna tell me
even if I keep walking.
My mother demoted me, thanks
to your disparaging drivel.
Right, and I'm sure it had nothing to do
with your work-related behavior.
Fix this,
or when I'm done with
you, you won't even have
Georgina Sparks' couch in Brooklyn.
I will fly Vanessa back
from whatever third-world
country she's in if I have to.
Do you hear yourself?
You're trying to bully me
into retracting an article
about you being a bully.
No.
I'm proving to my mother that I am
the mature, polite, professional woman
who should be running Waldorf Designs.
Blair, you tracked me down
with your "Spotted" map
and threatened me with
the return of Vanessa.
You are not mature,
polite, or professional,
and even your own mother knows it.
(Beep)
Nelly?
Do you think you could meet
me at Lily's benefit tonight?
There's something I think
you would want to hear.
And you're sure there's nothing?
There's nothing in any of this art.
It could be subtle.
Tape on the backing or rip in the seam.
No, there's nothing.
And the back of artwork is really boring.
(Door closes)
Hold on one second.
Someone's coming.
Nate? What are you doing here?
I am just writing a story on
Lily's artwork for "The Spectator."
Oh, for the A.P.F. benefit tonight?
Yeah. Exactly.
What are you up to?
Uh, just rereading an old short story.
Hey, is everybody a writer these days?
It... no, it's Dan's.
Wow. Aren't you getting
enough of him in "Vanity Fair"?
It's the one from "The New Yorker."
You know, the story about the
first time he saw me at that party.
Do not tell me in some
twisted turn of events that
that sex tape made you miss him.
No, it's just...
we spent some time together,
and... I don't know. It... it
brought up some old memories.
Serena, you're really vulnerable right now
after Steven broke up with you.
It's too soon to have
real feelings for Dan.
But what if those feelings
never really went away?
That high school kid
you fell in love with...
that's not who he is anymore, okay?
He almost cost me "The
Spectator" to sell his serial.
And he exploited all
of us in those chapters.
I know. You're right. (Elevator bell dings)
I mean, he has become a
selfish egomaniac who will...
Serena...
destroy his friends for...
for money and attention,
for fame and...
Ahem.
I know how much you like
chocolate-covered strawberries.
Dan, wait.
Hey, listen, I better get going.
Wait. What about the
auction Serena mentioned?
Look around. Is there anything missing?
That painting of the rainbow woman is gone.
Oh.
My Richard Phillips has arrived.
Lily, are you sure?
You know, it's one of my favorite pieces
in my collection, but
it is for a good cause.
And I've already sent Bart an e-mail,
and I know he will agree.
This is incredibly generous.
In fact, we're gonna have a live auction
just for this special piece.
I know she will be the star of the show.
This work of art appears
to be a work of Bart.
Let the bidding begin.
[ Trophy Kids
by My Fiction plays ]
This is Spencer Sweeney, Patrick McMullan,
and Fab Five Freddy.
♪ Give me sunshine
♪ and dancing
(bangs gavel)
(Amplified voice) Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Art
Production Fund benefit.
First, I'd like to say a special thanks
to Rufus Humphrey and Ivy Dickens
for their tremendous contribution tonight.
(Applause)
Careful, Lily.
You paid a lot of money
to fill those worry lines.
Listen, you vile little interloper,
you and Rufus may have rubbed
your last two nickels together
to replace my art,
but the only people that
you're making fools of
are yourselves.
But tonight, folks,
the centerpiece of this event
will be a special live auction
of Richard Phillips' "Spectrum"...
(Audience murmurs)
courtesy of Lilian Bass'
personal collection.
Bidding will begin shortly.
As I was saying, you
can pretend to be Lola,
you can pretend to be Serena,
but you will never be me.
I don't want to be you.
I want to be better.
Rufus already thinks I am.
*
I always liked that painting.
*
I'm glad to see you two found each other.
Blair.
Nelly was just telling
me you invited her here
to meet with her.
I hope it is to make an official apology.
That I'd love to hear.
I'm not here to apologize to Nelly, mother.
I'm here to apologize to you.
Then what am I doing here?
Shutting up and writing about
it so you can publicly restore
Waldorf designs' pristine reputation.
Blair, what is this about?
Undoing all the damage
my dark side has done.
I'm a bad seed, mother,
so send me away to the
village of the damned.
*
No one expects miracles, darling.
It's been part of you
for 20-something years.
It's not going to go away overnight.
Just maybe sometime before I die.
Y... you don't understand.
The real Grace Kelly had talent.
You have talent.
Even that goth princess
Jenny Humphrey had talent.
But I don't. It's all just pretense.
Well, your record of
achievements prove otherwise.
Everything I have
was from scheming and lying
and working the angles.
I don't have what it takes.
You are Mozart.
I'm Salieri.
No matter how hard I
work, I will never be you,
and I think it was just my dark side
trying to hide that.
So...
effective immediately,
I resign from Waldorf Designs.
(Horns honking)
Did you reach anyone from A.P.F.?
I finally got a hold of an assistant,
but she said they're only
taking bids in person.
How far away are you?
At least ten blocks.
Is there no way around
this, like on the sidewalk?
(Horns continue honking)
[ Knives & Bombs
by My Fictionh plays ]
(Indistinct conversations)
I like that your artists reflect
the same socially relevant projects
we commission at art production fund.
And I like that you can see
the street art influence.
I'm not talking about
the '80s but the '40s...
Dubuffet, Pollack, Ray Johnson.
Yeah, when artists were
the stars of New York
instead of celebutantes.
(Laughs) Yes.
Excuse me. Can I speak to you for a moment?
What can I do for you, Lily?
Are you interested in
one of my Pfahler pieces
to replace your Phillips?
No, thank you,
and I think you've made
your point here, Rufus.
This is a benefit to raise
money for a good cause,
and I won't have your little freeloader
making a mockery of it
by bidding on things she can't afford.
Ivy can afford any painting she wants.
And with what money? I know it's not yours.
You're right.
It's Cece's.
(Bangs gavel)
(Amplified voice) Ladies and gentlemen,
if we are ready to begin,
I would like to start the bidding
for the Richard Phillips
at $500,000.
(Guests murmuring)
$500,000.
I have $500,000.
Lola gave it back to her
when she found out your
mother wanted Ivy to have it.
$500,000. Going once?
$500,000. Do I have $520,000?
$520,000.
She may have been able to con Lola
out of half my mother's estate,
but she'll never get anything of mine.
Do I have $540,000? Going once?
$540,000.
$560,000.
$560,000. Do I have $570,000?
(Ivy) $570,000.
$570,000. $570,000. Do I have $580,000?
$580,000.
$580,000. Do I have $600,000?
$750,000.
$750,000.
(Guests murmuring)
(Serena) I know it sounded bad,
but you heard it out of context.
In what context can "selfish
egomaniac" be positive?
I was telling Nate what a
good time I had with you,
but th...
Yeah, I heard the "but" part.
But that it's confusing for me
because I have spent the
past few months hating you.
I told you I loved you,
and then you rejected
me for my best friend.
You've rejected me for nearly
everyone on the Upper East Side.
Can you blame me for having doubts?
You had more than doubts.
You told me you never
wanted to see me again.
You mean, after you used
me to make a sex tape
to destroy me and your best friend?
I'm not the bad guy here.
You want everyone to believe
you're poor, sweet Dan
Humphrey from Brooklyn,
but you sent that video of Chuck
and Blair into "Gossip Girl"
to try to ruin her wedding,
and then you pinned it on me.
Yeah, I didn't want Blair
to marry the wrong man.
And it's not like you've
never used "Gossip Girl"
to further your own agenda.
Oh, wait. Oh, wait. You were
Gossip Girl for a second.
Only to restore balance after
Georgina's reign of terror...
who... who is now partnering
with you to attack and humiliate
everyone that we care
about in your exposes?
Which leads us back to your reason
for calling me a selfish egomaniac.
You're right. Now I... now I understand.
Good. I'm glad.
I was being sarcastic, Serena.
So was I.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
Look... look, ob...
obviously, too much has happened
over the past five years.
No matter who we are today,
we can't undo the things
we've done in the past,
so it's probably best
we just move on without each other.
Which I will do the second
we get out of this elevator.
(Clank, bell rings, elevator powers down)
$880,000. I have $880,000.
Do I hear $900,000?
$900,000.
$900,000. What do you think you're doing?
$920,000.
I'd ask you the same thing.
Bidding on an item you put up for auction?
I changed my mind when
this gypsy trash wanted it.
She will not have anything
near and dear to my heart.
(Benedict) $940,000 once?
$940,000.
$960,000.
I assure you I won't let
her win if you stop bidding.
And why should I trust you?
I know you teamed up with this charlatan
to cause problems with your father and me.
This painting means
more to me than anything.
$980,000.
What do you think you're doing?
We're supposed to be on the same side.
So you are still aligned with her?
I'm on nobody's side but my own.
(Benedict) $1 million,
ladies and gentlemen.
(Chuck, Lily, and Ivy arguing indistinctly)
$1.1 million.
Do I hear 1.2?
Going once. Going twice.
(Bangs gavel)
Sold for $1.1 million
to the man in front.
Congratulations.
(Cheers and applause)
Revenge is sweet,
especially when you have a sugar mama.
(Cell phone alert chimes)
Unfortunately,
not all families appreciate just desserts.
[ Tara Simmons ] ♪ So much blame
♪ with our heart
I just wanted to congratulate
you and apologize.
I admit that I was out of line
with some of the things
that I said earlier.
And you obviously want something now.
Well, I know how important
it was for you to prove
that you could best me publicly.
And now that you've
achieved what you wanted,
I would love to buy my painting back.
Well, if you wanted it so much,
why'd you put it up for auction?
I had no idea how much it
meant to me till it was gone.
And let's face it, Rufus.
Do you really want that
hanging in your loft,
reminding you of me?
I don't.
We'll give it to a museum...
one far away from Manhattan
where you won't even be able to visit.
Surely there's a price
that will change your mind.
No.
You can't buy us off the
way you do everyone else.
We don't want your money.
What is it you want then?
To make you feel the way
you've made us feel...
humiliated and powerless
and like you're worth nothing.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to make sure they're
packing up our painting.
♪ Now please be gone
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll see you later.
♪
And you remain a kept man.
I never thought I would say this, Lil,
but I think Ivy's right.
You brought this on yourself.
♪
Maybe you should try Vanya again.
It's been, like, 47 seconds since I called.
And unlike last time we were stuck here,
I remembered to use your name.
Oh, if we're recreating that,
you should probably try to crawl
out of the ceiling any moment.
(Chuckles)
I admit that was not
one of my better ideas.
Why... why were you so mad about it, then?
Because I didn't want you to get hurt.
I'm sure you want me to
hit the floor right now.
Throw me down the elevator shaft.
(Chuckles)
Or, hell, you know, you could just
trick me into making another sex tape.
It's the people you know best
that you can hurt the most.
I'm sorry...
I didn't say anything when
you told me you loved me.
It... it was easier to
focus on my anger at Blair
than face the possibility of
getting what I always wanted
and...
and... and losing it again.
What you always wanted?
You know, I had...
a really great time with you today.
I had to believe that you were terrible
in order to protect myself.
Well, you know, I could actually
be terrible if you prefer.
(Chuckles) No. No, thank you. I'm good.
I... I much prefer you this way.
Yeah, the feeling's mutual.
I will try Vanya again.
(Elevator powers up)
Well...
I guess that's my cue.
Or you could come up
and have some chocolate-covered strawberries
before you face the paparazzi.
Yeah. That sounds nice.
(Pushes button)
(Elevator whirring)
(Siren wailing in distance)
(Sighs)
If you've come for a follow-up
interview, I have no comment.
Actually, I came to say
thanks for the exclusive...
and maybe to gloat a little.
How did you know where to find me?
The met steps?
Where else would you go to
make yourself feel better?
My mother always said
you'd peaked in high school.
You mean when no one else spoke
to you besides your mother?
You can make fun of how
unpopular I used to be,
but the person no one
cares about anymore is you.
Then why are you still
sitting below me on the steps?
Habit. Like a headband.
Just a remnant from when
you were a tastemaker.
And all every girl at constance
wanted was to be just like me.
Lucky for all of us, like
the eco-clothing trend,
those days are gone.
You obviously don't shop in Brooklyn.
But thank you, Nelly.
Your misinformation has been invaluable.
Where are you going? You
won't look good in hemp.
But you will, while you eat crow.
I just hope it's not too late.
Thank you so much
for letting us use your
painting in the auction.
Um, Todd Diciurcio,
this is Chuck Bass.
It's a beautiful painting. Excuse us.
Great work tonight.
No thanks to you.
I thought we were on the same team.
We are, which is why you
should sell me that painting.
Lily already tried that.
I hope you turned her down.
That piece is a critical component
of my campaign against Bart.
As you know, if I topple
him, Lily won't be far behind.
What's a queen without her king?
I'll sell you the painting...
for double what I paid.
That's a price I'm willing to pay.
(Chuckles) All right,
I'll have it delivered.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Spotted... Ivy moonlighting as a gallerina.
Better hope this
masterpiece isn't a forgery.
Isn't it weird to say I'm...
I'm glad we got in that fight?
No, no. No, not at all. I am, too.
That storage unit I kept
packed full of old resentments
was getting pretty full.
(Laughs)
You know, I... I feel like I did
when I first came back to
the city from boarding school,
when all I wanted was a fresh start.
Well, you have one now, at least with me.
(Chuckles)
[ Vivid
by Lemonade plays ]
I, uh, should probably take
off. It's getting pretty late.
Oh, did you ever find a place?
Technically, no. But, I mean,
I got that check now, so...
Mm.
I can afford a hotel room. I
don't want to impose too much.
No, you're... you're not imposing at all.
Are you sure? I mean, just this morning,
you were saying you thought
it might ruin our friendship.
Well, I think if we could get
through the last five years,
then we could get through a
few more nights. (Chuckles)
So... y... you can stay.
Or you don't have to.
You can go, too.
Or you can stay. Whatever you want.
♪ All of my love
That's what I want.
♪ All of my life
(slurps)
(Footsteps approach)
I made a mistake.
Many. Who hasn't?
You'll have to be more specific, dear.
When I quit earlier.
I thought that I was using my dark side
to hide the fact that I have no talent.
I wasn't the one who said
you didn't have talent, Blair.
No, but you told me to squash my dark side,
which is my talent. It's my inspiration.
You can't blackmail your
way through business.
Well, I agree, but...
I'm not talking about my management style,
which I admit needs help to
stay on the straight and narrow.
I'm talking about my designs.
Oh, where is this coming from?
High school.
My Grace Kelly did have talent.
She got me straight A's
and the perfect boyfriend.
But it was my Grace Jones
that had everyone wanting to dress like me,
not because they admired my hard work
but because they were
fascinated by my ferocity.
You did instill fear in the hearts of many.
I need to stop trying to
be you and use my power
to form the fashionistas of the future...
With a line for high school girls,
inspired by my Constance uniform.
I'm not sure people want to wear uniforms
if they're not in school.
These won't be the
uniforms they have to wear.
They'll be the uniforms they beg to wear...
ones they see on the girls they want to be.
They own this town.
Uniforms?
Well, they do represent power and authority
and instill a sense of belonging.
And the girls I dress won't follow trends.
They will set them,
just like I did.
You always were very influential.
Please.
Give me one more chance to prove it.
(Clink)
(Men speak indistinctly)
So what do you expect to find?
The financial records of Bart's oil deal.
Which, when I finally hand over to the FBI,
will ensure he spends the rest of his days
playing pinochle with Bernie Madoff.
Thank you.
Well, I guess it's not time
to break out the handcuffs just yet.
Where the hell is that envelope?
Maybe "Traffic" meant something else
or we got the wrong painting.
No. No. Lily was too
determined to get this one.
And the Phillips in my
bedroom has a backing on it.
Then someone took it off.
Then they've got the evidence!
[ Stay
by MNDR plays ]
Remember that silver
bullet we were looking for?
I found it.
(Chuckles)
You know, I really think it's
time for you to come back.
The sooner, the better.
I don't know how much
longer I can keep doing this.
(Door opens)
(Whispers) I gotta go.
(Beep)
One pepperoni pizza, extra cheese to go
with a bottle of Dom Perignon...
an unexpected yet brilliant combination,
just like us.
The Beatles sang,
"Living is easy with eyes closed."
Bart, I am so sorry. I had no idea
that's where you hid the
records of your oil deals.
But even with our eyes open,
we all still have blind spots.
♪ Blood is on my hands
♪ on my hands
♪ oh, stay
♪ wish I could stay in love with you ♪
♪
♪ right here when we
could say something ♪
♪ stay
Or maybe we're just
looking in the wrong place.
So this will be aimed at the 12-to-25 set.
Marc Jacobs has "Marc by"...
Mm-hmm.
And Waldorf Designs will have "B."
Oh, I just love that.
Yeah!
But when we finally do see the light,
it's strawberry fields forever.
♪ Stay
♪ wish I could stay in love with you ♪
♪
Wait a second.
Are you sure?
♪ Wish I could stay in love
X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl.
♪ Well, right now we can stay frozen ♪