Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 6, Episode 3 - Dirty Rotten Scandals - full transcript

Gossip Girl here...
your one and only source

into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

I need your passion for
social upheaval to help me

write the book about the Upper East Side.

Would you prefer the kink
of watching your father do

it with Fake Charlie again?

No, I did not watch. I got the hell out

before they saw me.

As the new head of Waldorf Designs,

I only have one chance to make my debut.

At fashion show for Buyers next week.



Please tell me that means

you're giving your
serial to "The Spectator."

I know you need this to
succeed as much as I do,

but it's only gonna do that
if you print it word for word.

Done.

What do you want me to say,

"thank you for the humiliating experience

of being walked to school by my
dad and his trophy girlfriend"?

"Gossip Girl" says your dad is
dating Serena Van Der Woodsen.

Is it true?

Not for long.

She know you can do this, Miss Blair.

I hope she's right.

My entire future... here and with Chuck



depends on it.

And who am I?

That's a secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me.

X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl.

(Rebecca & Fiona's "We are girls" playing)

(Gossip Girl) Manhattan has
weathered her share of storms...

heat waves, hurricanes, even an earthquake.

But these days, it looks
like a new force of nature

is taking shape on the Upper East Side.

(Sighs) There's nothing I love more

than the sound of a
sweatshop in the morning.

That hemline is too short.

And that one is too long.

My debut collection must be perfect.

(Singsongy) We haven't
been working day and night

for the last two weeks to make errors.

(Normal voice) The devil is in the details,

and I'm about to start worshiping Satan.

Blair, here is the list of it girls

walking in tonight's show.

(Gasps)

I am so glad Charlotte Casiraghi

agreed to be our centerpiece girl.

She is a veritable style icon

and the only Monegasque
who doesn't hold a grudge.

That is the genius of our strategy.

So what, we missed Fashion Week.

People always take their style cues

from real life it girls, anyway.

Our buyers will clamor for the collection

the second they see it.

Oui, Blair, which reminds me,

I'll go confirm Charlotte's flight now.

Miss Blair, you have no
moment for rest in days.

I bring you health shake with kale.

The only green that I'm
concerned with right now

is the shade of harem pants

Lauren Bush will be donning tonight.

Quel désastre.

Charlotte's lawyers say she has a conflict

with another endorsement.

They've made her drop out
of the show. What do we do?

Not to worry, Jean Pierre.
I've got this under control.

We'll just have to find
someone even more fabulous

to feature as the face of Waldorf Designs.

♪ we are girls, we don't
care what they say ♪

♪ we are girls like you ♪

♪ like me ♪

Thank you.

So, sweetie, what's on tap at school today?

(Cell phone alert chimes)

(Chuckles)

Do you want some berries?

I got 'em fresh at the farmer's market.

Hey, if you wanna be rude to me,

I'll put up with it as
part of my parental duty,

but there is no excuse
to be impolite to Serena.

Ah, it's fine.

No, it's not.

Sage, what's the deal?

You've been cutting school,

and you dropped out out
of all the activities

that used to matter to you.

Our agreement was that you could date Nate

if he didn't distract
you from what's important.

Please leave Nate out of this.

Hey. Look at that.

She actually speaks.

(Scoffs) You weren't around all summer,

and now all of a sudden,
you're the world's awesomest dad

trying to impress your trophy girlfriend?

Okay. Wow.

I didn't know that you felt that way,

but now that I do, let's talk about it.

(Cell phone rings, beep)

Hi, Nate. No, it's a great time to talk.

(Sighs)

Well, there went your teachable moment.

(Door closes)

You know, I just don't
know what to do with her.

You know, her grades are abysmal.

College is right around the corner.

You know, I hate to say it,

but maybe I introduced
the two of you too soon.

Well, speaking as someone who
had a lot of stepparent types

waltz in and out of my life,

I know it can be tough,

but we'll make it through it, okay?

I really, really want that.

Well, it sounds like
there's a "but" coming.

Yeah. I just, you know, wonder if I...

moved a little too fast here.

I... make no excuses
for the way she's acting,

but she's still a kid.

You know, if she's this
upset, I need to deal with it.

Well, yeah, you should
definitely talk to her.

You know, I was... I was
thinking more like, um...

you know, maybe you and
I should take a break.

You know, it's the last thing
in the world that I want,

but I should focus on
Sage, you know, get her...

Get her back on track.

Well, what if I talk to her?

You did hear everything
she just said about you.

Well, yeah, but I know how
to relate to girls like Sage

because I was a girl like
Sage not too long ago.

Well, at this point she could
hardly hate either of us more.

Therefore, we have nothing to lose.

She'll come around, I promise. Okay?

Okay.

I heard you on the phone
earlier this morning.

Didn't sound like Blair.

Deeper voice, darker mind. My Uncle Jack.

Ah.

His people on the ground in Dubai

are helping me to find
out who the mystery man

with Bart in Amira's photo is.

Did he come up with anything?

Not yet. We got a
partial plate off the car.

Tracked down the restaurant
it was parked outside of.

So that's a good place
to start asking questions.

Well, that's good news. I
mean, maybe someone in the area

will recognize him, you know?

Yeah, let's hope so.

(Door opens)

(Panting)

I may be negotiating with terrorists,

but you're harboring a fugitive.

(Monkey whimpers)

(Panting)

Come on, Monkey.

(Panting)

I... I'm sorry about that,
man. He's, you know...

No, Chuck's barbs don't bother me.

Anything beats having
Georgina watch me sleep.

I'm just grateful for a place to crash.

Well, as your roommate and publisher,

I am pleased to report that "The Spectator"

is finally ready to post its
very first Humphrey original.

(Chuckles) Hey, it's a good
day, and it's only 9:00 a.m.

Before I publish, would
you wanna warn the subject

of this week's serial?
You know, let 'em know

that they're about to be totally skewered?

Yeah. Uh, yeah, no. No, I'd rather not.

Are you sure? I mean, this is kinda like

when you start sleeping with someone's ex.

It's better... better that
they hear it from you first.

You should know.

So should you.

You think Graydon Carter
makes a courtesy call

to the Astors before
publishing an expose on them?

Yeah, actually.

Post it.

(Exhales deeply)

(Key clicks)

How's the invite list for the
gallery opening coming along?

Speaking of, who will you be escorting?

'Cause I have the perfect suggestion.

Me.

Well, I would love nothing
more than to have you on my arm,

uh, but before we announce
our relationship status

to the world, I have to tell my kids first.

Uh, Jenny sent her blessing from London,

but I still haven't connected with Dan.

Well, he'd better hurry
up and get back from Europe

so I can officially be your girlfriend.

Well, he was gonna do some traveling...

(Computer chimes)

after his writer's retreat,

but he should be back any day now,

and I'm sure he'll reach out
to us as soon as he returns.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

Look at this.

♪

So... who is our new it girl?

She's impossible to find.

I've called all of our contacts.

This is Manhattan. There's
an it girl on every corner.

Even on this corner?

I can't walk in my show.

Not you.

Serena.

When I was in high school,
my mom was remarried a lot.

That must have been so hard for you.

Yeah, it actually was,

and I learned the hard way that, you know,

if you act out, you're
only hurting yourself,

so please just try to care about college

and stay involved in your extracurriculars.

You're so right, Serena.

And they say you can't be pretty and smart.

And try to go easy on your dad, please.

He's... he's a really good man.

That's why I fell in love with him.

Okay, now my ears are bleeding.

But it's cool to talk to someone
my own age who actually gets it.

I promise I'll turn over a new leaf.

Thanks, Serena.

(Cell phone rings)

Hold on one second.

(Ring, beep)

What do you want?

I'm not even going to
pretend to be calling you

as a friend right now because
you have made it quite clear

that you are not mine,

but I do have a mutually
beneficial business opportunity.

I highly doubt that.

I need a power it girl to walk in my show.

You made a splash at the
Central Park Conservancy Gala.

I'm guessing that you need
something equally as exciting

to follow it up.

Oh, well, your concern
for my social standing

really tugs at my heartstrings,

but a fashion show is hardly a life crisis.

It is to me.

My back is up against the wall,

and not in a hot Chuck Bass kind of way.

(Sighs) You and I have
known each other long enough

that we are like family,

which means that we have earned
the right to hate each other

from time to time, but that doesn't mean

that there's not still love underneath.

(Sighs) Come on, Serena.

Please. How many times have I saved you?

It's your turn to save me back.

I'm saving someone else
now... Steven's daughter Sage.

My only focus is her
and keeping her on track.

They're my new family.

Maybe you should find a new one, too.

(Line disconnects)

(Car door closes, tires peal)

(Sighs)

You know what? If Serena
doesn't wanna be family,

then that's fine. She can
dive right from the gene pool

to the cesspool.

My mother is my family.

My mother... is always watching...

like the "Mona Lisa."

Like the "Mona Lisa" with
a lot of expectations!

You look pale...

(Distorted voice) Like "Mona Lisa."

(Voice echoing) This
business is my namesake.

It is the family jewel.

It is what Chuck paid my dowry to save!

If I'm not successful at this,

we might not even end up together!

(Slow, distorted voice) We all root for you

to be... Blair... Waldorf-Bass.

I must match my mother's hard work,

dedication, and success.

I can't let her down.
I can't let Chuck down.

(Normal voice) Can't let myself down.

They say history repeats itself,

but looks like B. is charting a
brand-new course to epic collapse.

Excuse me. Hey, have you seen this girl?

Are you Serena?

Yeah. Yeah. Where is she?

Uh, you just missed her,

but she did say you
would take care of this.

(Cell phone rings)

(Beep)

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, everything went
as well as it could have.

She thinks just like I did when I was 17.

It's like looking in a mirror.

It seems as if you're suffering

from severe exhaustion and dehydration.

Have you been sleeping? Eating?

Do I look like I've been eating?

Don't insult me.

Miss Blair running
around like rhesus monkey.

She take no moment for sleeping

or eating or resting or stopping.

Is exhausting me, too.

I have been working harder than a farmhand,

but I do have a multimillion
dollar brand to build

and a fashion show to oversee tonight,

so if you'll excuse me.

You're not going anywhere.
If you wanna be at that show,

you need to be on bed rest and I.V. fluids.

Where did you find this quack?

Oh.

Oh!

Perhaps I am a wee bit tired.

I'll prepare the I.V.

I guess I'll just have to
deal with running my empire

from my own sickbed.

Oh, the state of your shirt

makes me think Sage must be close.

Yeah, well, you just missed her.

Where could she have disappeared to now?

I just searched every
floor of Barney's twice.

You try doing that
without stopping to browse

at either of the shoe departments.

I think you should just give up the chase.

(Sighs) I can't. I'm
supposed to be mentoring her.

(Laughs) You? Mentor?

Just go with it.

She may be 17, but she
is wise beyond her years.

She's high school you
times ten, believe me.

But Sage's entire goal is to destroy

mine and Steven's relationship,
and she's succeeding at it,

because I've been lying to him all day.

I'm supposed to be keeping
her on the straight and narrow,

and I have no idea where she is.

Well, if you feel so guilty,

maybe you should just come clean.

I can't. If he knows that I messed this up,

he'll wanna take a break,

and that's the last thing I want.

He's the most important
person in my life right now.

Look, it's his job to
handle her, not yours.

Oh, you're right.

(Sighs deeply) Okay. As
hard as it's gonna be,

I think I just have to admit defeat.

Well, good luck with that.
I'm around if you need to talk.

Thanks.

You here on one of your
famous blackmail missions?

I hope you got it all on film.

Suck it, Humphrey.

You should probably button up your shirt.

You are editor-in-chief now.

(Sighs)

I just can't figure out
how Dan found out about us.

I should have called him
so he heard it from me.

He must be in shock.

(Sighs) Oh, my God.

Rufus, you are too good for your own good.

I mean, your son trashes you in the press,

and you think you're to blame.

I mean, it was bad enough
when Dan fictionalized you

in his last book, but this is next level.

I need to talk to him immediately.

Talk?

Isn't that what you did last time?

And look how well that turned out.

I mean, he's using real names
and distorting the truth.

It's libel.

These ad numbers seem pretty promising.

I think my serial might give
"The Spectator" a real boost.

Yeah, and more importantly,

judging by these online comments at least,

the Rufus piece has reached
a whole new readership.

I mean, people who actually read...

over 35s who love vintage indie rock

and dirt on other people's divorces.

And since my dad isn't exactly
in the "Gossip Girl" demo,

there's no way she can
undermine this story.

(Cell phone alerts chime)

Oh, come on.

(Sighs)

This says your dad is gonna sue you,

me, and "The Spectator."

And "Gossip Girl" is breaking the news.

(Sighs)

(Telephone ringing in distance)

Jean Pierre? You are ruining everything.

The runway is the wrong color.

And who approved those wigs?

Even Nicki Minaj knows better.

We will change it all...

paint the runway, ditch the wigs.

Is that Nelly Yuki I see in the background?

She's there for her exclusive interview.

Stall her. Tell her she's pretty.

She's never heard those
words strung together before.

(Sighs)

It couldn't get worse, Dorota.

I still haven't found my it girl,

and now Nelly Yuki is sniffing around

like one of Valentino's little dogs.

Jean Pierre should put a muzzle on her.

Jean Pierre thinks "Muzzle"
is the name of our D.J.

I don't know who else to call.

The minions are on probation
because of Poppy-gate,

and Dan is still furious with me.

I just want someone who can read my mind.

Is that too much to ask?

Hello, Blair.

Serena. Your ears must be burning.

Yeah? Why?

I was just telling my dad

about the great opportunity you got me.

Of course. The great opportunity.

You scored me a prime spot

walking in Blair Waldorf's
fashion show tonight.

(Sighs) I did, and it's just so exciting.

Who better for me to learn from

than a young businesswoman like Blair,

running her own company?

I do applaud entrepreneurship.

This could lead to a summer internship

or maybe a whole career in fashion.

I was just happy to do anything

for... for sweet Sage. (Chuckles)

You know, this is great news.

My two girls getting along.

(Kisses) Thank you.

This means a lot.

You thought I ratted you out, didn't you?

Do you really think I care
about your childhood baggage?

I go to therapy. I have enough of my own.

Hey, I was just trying to help.

How'd you get a spot in Blair's show?

I didn't.

You'll get me in.

Uh... it's not that easy.

Nothing ever is with Blair.

Well, then I'll just have to tell my dad

that I finally found my true calling,

and you squashed it

by telling your B.F.F. not to hire me.

They say don't hate the
player, hate the game.

But when you invented the rules,

losing really stings.

I knew nobody keep you
in bed except Mr. Chuck.

That's why I call him.

I would love to spend the
day with you under the duvet,

but you're exhausted.

And I know from my brief
stint as a candy stripper

that an I.V. can be quite a hindrance.

So how may I serve?

I can't pull you away
from taking down Bart.

Well, my hands may be momentarily tied

when it comes to my
mission against my father.

Task me, Blair.

I can't. Tasks are for
minions or Dan Humphrey.

On second thought, I know
exactly what you need done.

And I know exactly how you like it.

No instructions necessary.

(Sighs)

Dorota.

I'm feverish!

(Exhales)

Elton John won $150,000
from "The Sunday Mirror,"

and all they wrote was he
was on some sort of diet

where he chewed his
food but didn't swallow.

Well, don't worry. I'm pretty
sure my father swallows.

Dan, this isn't funny. This
is exactly why I was saying

you should speak to
Rufus in the first place.

No, but this isn't like my father at all.

I mean, granted, nothing he's been doing

has really been in character,

but I just don't believe he would sue.

The last thing he wants
to do is tell the truth,

the whole truth about banging
Ivy Dickens on my sofa.

That doesn't mean that he
isn't gonna try to make a point

or get a settlement.

Nate, look, if I... if I know my dad,

all he wants to do is give me a lecture

from his perch on
mount-holier-than-thou.

We'll be fine.

I'll... I'll go talk to him, but just

try and take a deep breath
and maybe a Xanax or two.

So the show will open with this track.

Here's a list of the rest of the set here

with time stamps.

Chuck.

What do you think?

I'm speechless.

Is it everything you desired?

You read me like tea leaves, Chuck Bass.

(Cell phone alert chimes)

It's Jack. He has a lead
on the man in the photo.

I have to...

Go.

Tonight will be...

Perfect because of you.

Go find that man.

It means we're one step
closer to being together.

(Exhales) Go.

Oh, the ice woman cometh.

(Sighs) I wanted to apologize
about our conversation earlier.

I... I know that I was way out of line.

Save it, Serena. What do you want?

I need Sage to be in your fashion show.

Ironic, since I need a fabulous
it girl to walk in my show.

But Sage is in high school.
Sorry. Can't help you.

This is your opportunity to discover Sage.

Look, Karl found Naomi.
Calvin invented Christy.

People love a fresh, new face.

So what you're saying
is that you wanna use me,

your non-family,

to make a good impression
on your new real family.

Yeah. Yeah, having Sage in your show

will save my relationship with Steven.

Okay. I'll do it.

Thank you.

On one condition.

For some reason, people
care what you think.

So you will sit front row
in vintage Eleanor Waldorf,

applaud wildly, and gush
to anyone who will listen

about how fabulous my new collection is.

Done.

You have a deal.

It was almost nice doing business with you.

Sage, come meet Blair. You're in.

Oh, and stunning.

Thank you.

Tonight's gonna be amazing.

Sage will be working the runway.

Steven and I will be sitting in front row.

But starting tomorrow,

you're gonna start caring
about some things, okay?

I am?

Yeah, like attending school
and after school activities

and making it home in time for curfew

and being so, so kind to your father.

Do we understand each other?

Perfectly. I'm so happy
we're all getting along.

I have a feeling tonight's
going to be very memorable.

Careful, ladies.

Turns out Sage might be
a wolf in B.'s clothing.

(The Japanese popstars)
♪ let go ♪

(indistinct conversations,
camera shutter clicking)

♪ just relax and let go ♪

Thank you.

Can't wait to see your line.

Eleanor will not be
attending tonight's show

because she trusts me completely.

I feel honored to have earned that trust

and excited about the
future of Waldorf Designs.

Blair? This way.

Excuse me.

Great.

Oh, thank you.

Here you go.

(Sighs)

To Sage's big night and to
you for making this all happen.

Oh, and to us and nothing
standing in the way of our future.

I'll drink to that.

(Clink)

Oh, of course,

when I told you to speak with her,

I imagine you igniting her
interest in horseback riding

or, you know, maybe
joining the volleyball team.

You know, modeling wasn't exactly

the... after school activity I had in mind.

Well, this isn't just
about modeling, though.

I mean, Blair has an incredible
group of women wearing her clothes,

from activists to
businesswomen to actresses.

Sage is in great company.

Okay.

Serena. Steven.

It is such a pleasure
to have you here tonight.

Welcome. And I'm so glad
that Sage is in the show.

She's gonna be beautiful.

Can't wait. (Chuckles)

Oh. Look, I see, uh,
Anderson Cooper over there.

Excuse me. I should go congratulate him

on his old news becoming new news...

if that makes sense.

♪ let go, let go ♪

Let me show you your seat.

Okay, well, I need a good
view if I'm going to applaud.

♪ let go, let go ♪

♪ let go, let go ♪

Why isn't there a seat for Steven here?

Serena, this is prime fashion real estate.

I had to save all the
best seats for journalists

and influencers, not do-gooding dads,

but not to worry. Steven
has a very nice seat

behind you in the third row right there.

No, that is so disrespectful.

Do you even care that we're here?

Well, of course I care.

♪ just relax ♪

You are so transparent, Blair.

You couldn't have a seat
for my boyfriend next to me

because you had to save it for
one of your indentured minions.

Well, th... that's not true.

Why even bother to make a deal with me

to have me fake-clap when you've
already got one of your slaves

writing a fake story about
how wonderful your line is?

For your information,

I'm a very real "Women's
Wear Daily" reporter.

Yes, Nelly Yuki, a very real reporter

who happens to look
incredibly gorgeous tonight

and who I am thrilled to
have sitting in the front row.

And... I haven't the slightest clue

what fake deal Serena is referring to.

Nobody likes a fashion counterfeit.

You're right. I would never be
caught dead wearing a knockoff,

and if tonight really is about honesty,

then maybe I will sit next to Nelly,

and I will give her all
of my genuine opinions.

(Sighs)

That's right. Serena.

All your true, nice opinions.

Nobody likes a Debbie
Downer or a Serena sabotage.

I'm sorry that I didn't
let you read it first.

That would've been the honest thing to do.

And I'm sorry that you
had to find out about Ivy

from someone other than me. But...

We're together now,

and, uh, admittedly,
it's... it's getting serious.

W... dad, she... she's a known con artist.

She swindled Lily and her entire family.

And, you may remember from my article,

she tried to have sex with me

and asked me to call her "Serena."

Dan, you're my son,

and we have to find a
way to put this behind us.

But... (Sighs) when it comes
to Ivy, you're way out of line.

I'm an adult,

and you need to respect
my decision to be with her.

Being with her is the adult decision?

Throughout my entire life,

you have portrayed yourself
as the moral compass,

the guy who always does the right thing.

According to Rufus Humphrey,

there's no road like the high road.

Yes, I believe in doing the right thing.

So can't you see what
you're doing with your life?

Your whole thing is a lie.

At least I wrote the truth,

and the truth, which, by the way,

is a defense against a
libel, so you've got no case.

Case? I don't want a case.

I just wanna have a real
conversation with my son,

so let me know if you see him around.

(Cell phone alert chimes)

(Chimes)

I will.

I gotta go.

That didn't sound like it went very well.

Did you leak news that I was
threatening to sue my son?

♪

(woman) ♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ we are so alive ♪

♪ tonight, tonight, tonight ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

I am definitely the
luckiest guy in Manhattan.

I look okay?

You look amazing.

And if I spend any more time
back here staring at you,

that robe's gonna end up
crumpled up in the corner.

So... I'm just gonna wish
you luck and take my seat.

Can it end up crumpled in the corner later?

Absolutely.

♪ but lightning unites us ♪

♪ tonight, tonight, tonight ♪

You know, this looks nice on you,

but I think I have something
Serena might like even better.

Come with me.

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ we are so alive ♪

♪ tonight, tonight, tonight ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

Erica Winograd!

It's great seeing one of my
advertisers out on the town.

Likewise, Nate.

Listen, I wanted to thank you for choosing

to advertise with us at
"The Spectator" this week.

It's been a real pleasure doing
business with you and your team.

We were very excited about Dan
Humphrey's inaugural serial.

We knew it would draw a lot of eyeballs.

And it has, and I know Dan's
piece next week will garner

even more attention.

You should definitely think
about buying up some more space

for that one as well.

We did, Nate, in "Vanity Fair."

Wait. I'm... I'm sorry. What?

Dan's serial is continuing
in "Vanity Fair."

Yeah, I thought "The Spectator"
was just a onetime occurrence,

which is too bad for me

because Graydon is charging ten
times as much as you did for ad space.

(Clears throat) I'm sorry, Erica.
I... I have to go right now.

(MNDR's "U.C.B.L." Playing)

♪ faux fur on my bed ♪

♪ we're moving slowly ♪

♪ fill my glass, take it down ♪

♪ turn off that movie ♪

♪ paint it gold, you can
have my silver jewelry ♪

♪ keep our sunglasses on ♪

♪ those colors move me ♪

♪ ah, ah ♪

♪ ah, ah, falling down a straight line ♪

♪ onto the dance floor ♪

♪ D.J., loop this... up
until the break of day ♪

♪ why don't you come along? ♪

♪ spinning backwards all night long ♪

♪ this rhythm moves along ♪

♪ why not get emotional? ♪

♪ you can come along ♪

♪ grab my hand, and we'll both get gone ♪

♪

♪ let's get our party on ♪

(camera shutters clicking)

(Audience murmuring)

♪

(woman) And different.

(Man) You know, it could work.

(Woman speaks indistinctly)

(Man speaks indistinctly)

(Woman) She pulls it off.

(Woman) I like it.

H... have you guys lost your minds?

This isn't fashion forward
or provocative or couture.

It... it's exploitation,
and it's embarrassing.

♪ we're breathing ♪

♪ why don't you come along? ♪

♪ spinning backwards all night long ♪

♪ this rhythm moves along ♪

♪ why not get emotional? ♪

♪ you can come along ♪

♪ grab my hand, and we'll both get gone ♪

(gasps)

Okay, Alexa, it's your
turn. (Chuckles nervously)

(Sighs) Show must go on.

No one cares about one
person's silly opinion.

So strut!

♪

(man) Yep, I'm out of here.

There's no way in hell I'm going out there.

Oh. Don't go.

♪ ah, ah ♪

w...

(Gossip Girl) It's B.'s party,

and she'll cry if she wants to,

'cause looks like this birthday suit

isn't exactly cause for celebration.

I only did it because
I wanted to protect you.

No one ever stands up for you.

I thought if I... (Sighs)

threatened a lawsuit on "Gossip Girl,"

"The Spectator" would have
to retract Dan's piece.

Standing up for me is one thing,

but you shouldn't interfere in
matters between me and my son.

I... I apologize, Rufus.

I wasn't thinking about the consequences,

but Dan did publish this piece to hurt you.

There are other ways to fight back, Ivy.

No.

The only way to deal with the
world of the Upper East Side

is to fight fire with fire.

Dan may have been an
innocent Brooklyn boy once,

but while you weren't looking,

he became as ruthless as
any Park Avenue prince.

(Sighs) I'm sorry I inserted
myself in your battle,

but it broke my heart

to see you trashed so viciously.

Well, his words may have been nasty,

but Dan wrote the truth.

We are together.

And I want you...

by my side, here and
at the gallery opening.

Mmm.

(Indistinct conversations)

Why the hell do my advertisers think

that "Vanity Fair" is publishing
the rest of your serial?

Because they are.

Dan, we had a deal.

A handshake is hardly a deal.

Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna hit you.

I told you last week

it was a bad idea to mix
business and friendship.

You wanted me to go to Rufus
before publishing the piece,

and today when he... when
he threatened a lawsuit,

you freaked out.

I was trying to protect my newspaper.

What do you want me to say?
"Vanity Fair" is the big-time,

and the more readers I
have, the more power I have.

It is that simple.

I thought we were in this together.

We were, and then
something better came long.

Okay, now I know I wanna hit you.

Come on, Nate. You know you
and all of your other friends

would've done the exact
same thing in my position.

You know what? Don't bother
coming back to The Empire.

Find another place to stay.

I thought you might say that.

(Scoffs)

Dave Berger.

You used to work for Bart Bass
a while back as a bodyguard.

He fired me. I got nothing
to say about that guy.

I just have a few questions
about a weekend you spent

with Bart in Dubai, about four years ago.

Like I said, I got nothing.

Mr. Bass makes everyone sign
a nondisclosure agreement.

I don't know who you are,

but I know better than to cross him.

Think of me as a friend,

a compadre, a fellow fighter.

This gym is pretty nice.

It's all right.

Perhaps you'd like to own it
instead of just working here.

Personally, I've always taken
great pleasure in being my own boss.

(MNDR's "I go away" playing)

♪ it is over ♪

♪ don't you believe it's over? ♪

♪ how did I get here... ♪

How could you do this to me?

Just because I didn't give
your geriatric boyfriend a seat

doesn't mean that you had to
tell Sage to sabotage my show!

Save it, Blair.

You were so upset that I care
more about Steven than your show

that you had to destroy my relationship.

I didn't tell her to take
off the dress. You did.

No, I didn't.

I would much rather avoid
the child pornography charges.

Well, if I didn't tell
her to take off the dress,

and you didn't tell her to take
off the dress, then who did?

I happened to like the underwear more.

Sage, you get in this car
right now. We are going home.

I'll see you later.

♪ I'll go away, I'll go
away, I'll go my own way ♪

♪ I'll go away, I'll
go away, I'll go away ♪

Looks like these besties
were bested by a newbie.

When Sage's dress came
off, they both came undone.

Steven, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault.

She's right. It is all her fault.

She gave me all this advice

and told me to use her as a role model.

Save it, Sage. I know you set Serena up.

I should've known

as soon as you started
talking about the fashion show

that you were planning something.

Serena isn't the one who
should be apologizing.

It's you.

(Sighs)

I'm waiting.

(Sighs)

Serena, I'm sorry that
you weren't clever enough

to figure out what I was up to.

Sage, I am warning you.

I apologize.

I shouldn't have taken advantage of you.

It won't happen again.

Good.

Now I'm gonna contemplate your punishment

while I make us all some tea.

It's been a very long night.

For the record, I didn't
mean a word of that.

I'm not sorry at all.

Well, for the record, I don't care.

Why don't you just try to wrap
your little machiavellian brain

around the fact that your father
and I are gonna be together

no matter what you do?

So you're gonna have to
get used to me, sweetheart.

Chamomile or mint?

I just got off the phone with Jean Pierre.

It's a fashion prognosis
of disastrous proportion.

Not one buyer has made an
appointment to place an order.

And to make things worse,

Nelly Yuki trashed me
in "Women's Wear Daily."

"Can Blair Waldorf step
into her mother's shoes,

or is her Achilles' heel
of the stripper variety?"

(Scoffs) Dorota, I have been relegated

to clear heels and Kardashian tastes!

I always know this Nelly a real snake.

It doesn't even matter
if the clothes are good.

Serena walked out, and everyone followed.

Once again, I have been defeated

at the hands of Serena Van Der Woodsen.

She's the double-edged
sword of my very existence.

Miss Blair must keep chin
up, must keep company going.

You will make Miss Eleanor proud.

I know because I proud already.

My mother. How am I
gonna explain this to her?

Eleanor Waldorf does not
take kindly to the "F" word...

"Failure."

(Sighs deeply)

Save the Dom, Chuck. I would rather die.

I am the laughingstock
of the fashion press.

The clothes were beautiful,
and you are beautiful,

and that is something we need to celebrate.

You say celebrate. I say drown my sorrows.

Give me the bottle.

Tolstoy wrote

that all happy families are alike,

but every unhappy family
is unhappy in its own way,

especially on the Upper East Side.

(Santigold) ♪ I've been
looking for a fight ♪

♪ but it's got no place to go ♪

You know, Sage can be a handful,

but you handled tonight with true grace.

I'm impressed.

Mmm.

♪ my command ♪

♪ I've been searching for an angle ♪

♪ for a cause... ♪

Some are only too happy to be distracted

from their pain.

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ let me go all day ♪

♪ just be here till I know ♪

♪ till I, I know ♪

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Well, I had...

an awful day with "The Spectator."

I had a really awful day with the Serena.

I'm not wearing my robe anymore,

but my clothes can still
end up in the corner.

(Inhales deeply)

Well...

I guess I could help you out with that.

♪ on the brink of something close ♪

♪ people know that I write ♪

While others choose to bite
the hand that feeds them,

even when they have no idea

where their next meal is coming from.

I heard you sold your serial
to "Vanity Fair" this morning.

I can't believe they bought it
ten minutes after it was posted.

(Chuckles) You're very
up on current events.

Word travels fast in
the publishing industry.

I guess you took my advice

and started playing by your own rules.

How does it feel?

Uh, weird.

Kinda dirty but good.

Like you said, the truth
is a very powerful thing.

Well, if you have nowhere to go...

you can always stay with me.

(Footsteps approach)

Are you Dan Humphrey?

I am.

I read your piece in "The Spectator" today

and I loved it. Can I buy you a drink?

(Chuckles) Absolutely.

So there you have it.

Dave Berger worked as a
bodyguard for my father.

He was there that weekend with Amira.

Dave drove Bart to meet someone

named Lady Alexander.

Dave wasn't in the meeting,
so that's all he could tell me.

I don't know who she is,

what she does,

or even where to start looking for her.

We will find her.

I'm all yours,

mind, body, and scheme.

♪ waiting for the day ♪

You helped me with my show tonight,

and, at least for the first few hours

before the big fashion fiasco,

everything was perfect.

And I can help you, too.

♪ let me go all day ♪

♪ just be here till I know ♪

Let's face it.

We... need each other.

I need you... right now.

For one night, make an exception.

A gentleman...

wouldn't take advantage of a lady who's had

more than her half of the bottle of Dom.

(Sighs)

But...

the exception I'll make is this...

we join forces,

combine our power,

and achieve our goals that much sooner.

♪ go all day ♪

♪ just be here till I know ♪

Ahem.

♪ I know that ♪

Fine. (Sighs)

We're in this together.

And I will try with
every fiber of my being...

(Sighs) to behave.

But whether your family
is happy or unhappy,

it's always best to stick together

because some ties are simply unbreakable.

X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl.