Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 5, Episode 4 - Memoirs of an Invisible Dan - full transcript

Gossip Girl here...
Your one and only source

into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

Ivy, stop talking to your boyfriend
and start working.

Charlie! Oh, my gosh!

What are you doing here?

"The Beautiful and The Damned"
wraps in a week,

but how would you like
to keep working for me?

I would love to.

What are you looking for over there?

My phone.

I think I left it at the fashion show
when the assistant checked it in.



I'm not interested in interviews
with New York's elite.

I want their secrets and scandals.

You had everyone's phones taken.

Why didn't you just, you know,
look at some of them?

Do you know someone called Ivy?

The truth is, I can't wait to be a father,
and now I'm going to be one.

I never intended to publish "Inside."

Somehow it fell into
Simon & Schuster's laps.

It's a satire of my entire
life and everyone I know.

You didn't write this book. I did.

Bravo! He did it!

I told you I'd get
him to step forward.

Dan Humphrey,
Alessandra Steele, my agent.

And who am I?



That's a secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me.

X.O.X.O.

Gossip Girl.

It's brilliant.

Really exceptional.

Loved the book.

Do I know you? Any of you?

Do I know anyone here at all?

The ending...

Just slays me.

Slays me how you're all alone
with no friends left...

Surrounded by people who think
they know you but really don't.

It's genius.

Right, but, uh, it's not me.
It's the character Dylan Hunter.

that's number 38 on the
Amazon pre-order list.

25,000 shipped so far.

Quick question. How big can my
head get before it explodes?

Half the buys are probably upper east
siders dying to see if they're in it.

Yeah.

Some of my friends
might feel they are.

They're coming tonight, right?

To the book party?

No. I... haven't exactly
mentioned it to them yet.

Um, I'd have to tell them
the book exists first.

They don't know? Not any of them?

No.

And I'm not sure
they're gonna like it

when they find out.

If they're really your friends,
they'll be happy to see your star rise,

and they should be
at the soir?e tonight

when everybody learns
that "Anonymous"

is actually Daniel Humphrey.

I'm gonna need six
copies of this book, uh,

that should probably
be hand-delivered.

I'll see you later at Giorgio Armani
for your suit fitting?

And don't shave.

Makes you look like a real writer.

I now understand why women
used to go into confinement.

It wasn't because of
modesty but vanity.

Look at my boobs.

Oh, I'm huge.

- Are you even listening?
- Sorry, darling.

I was just reading about how some
pregnant women have mood swings.

Apparently, they didn't know
you before the pregnancy.

Oh, you look gorgeous.

I can't wait to tell the
whole world the good news.

Me, too.

My mother and Beatrice
arrive tonight.

And I asked my mom and Cyrus to join us
for dinner at the Consulate.

And then we'll tell
everyone together.

You don't think your family
is gonna be upset, do you?

I don't want them to think of me
as the star of some trashy MTV show

like "Unmarried and
pregnant Princesses"

or, I don't know, "Royally Screwed."

My mother will be over the moon.

The job of any princess is to
provide an heir to the kingdom.

And that is exactly
what you are doing.

An heir to a kingdom lives within me.

How very Shakespeare.

A comedy, not a tragedy, I hope.

So do I, which is why
I have to tell one person

before we meet up with the families..

And I can do that right now.

Yeah, we received the latest draft.
It's on Jane's desk.

Okay, I'll have her call you.
Thank you.

Morning, everyone.

I'm on a juice fast this week.
Not going to be pretty.

Um, I will put those
in the fridge for you.

I'll also request an
extra cashew drink.

It makes the day bearable.

- Thank you. List.
- Yes.

The coverage you wanted on the Krakauer
galley is on your desk, as well as

the new spec script that
Sony won in the bidding war.

What is it again?

"American Psycho" in prep school.

Make it go away.

Also, um,
I know that it's a long shot,

but I sent Daniel Day-Lewis
"The Blue Rose,"

along with a note and a rosebush
that only grows in Ireland.

I don't know.
I thought it might be a special touch.

Daniel never agrees to do anything.

The man took three years
to make a pair of shoes.

But I like that you're
putting it out there. Sam?

Yes?

Could you get me and
Serena two green teas?

Yeah, sure. Happy to.

I knew that my instincts
were right hiring you.

You're a smart cookie.

You can look at your phone.
I don't run a gulag.

Thank you.

That's Piper Van Allen.

And that's Sullivan Baker.

And I care about
their PG-13 pictures because...

'Cause Piper is married
to Jason Van Allen.

Oh, well,
I am slightly more interested.

Yeah, and Sullivan's with
that celebrity florist guy.

I think they got married
in Amagansett this summer.

Oh. That's a twist
I wasn't expecting.

Yeah.

Well, our phone swipe at
the Jenny Packham Show

gave us some pretty good stories.

Yeah, but pretty good isn't perfect.

If only we had Blair Waldorf's phone.

I told you, she's my friend.
My friends are off-limits.

Oh. Morals.

How quaint.

I mean, why do you even hold on to that
phone if you're not gonna answer it?

Because I don't have to
explain how I got it.

But I am too intrigued
by our mysterious "Ivy"

to just toss it away.

Well, we could always lie,
say we found it on the street.

How are we gonna find her?

Look. There are no names in the phone,
only numbers.

And there was no tag
for her at the party.

Well, maybe she was just a crasher.
You know, a nobody.

Mm. Nobodies don't hide their friends.
They advertise them.

I have a feeling about this girl.

- Wait, hold on. I know that number.
- Yeah?

All right, well, I'll be back in a bit,
hopefully with a new lead.

Your call has been
forwarded to an automated...

Still haven't found your phone?

No, and I've been calling it nonstop.

Well, maybe it's time for a new one.

New city, new cell phone. Hmm?

Yeah, but my whole
world's in that phone.

Final mix of Panic's debut album.

This is so exciting.

Yeah, it's been a long time coming.

Do you ever regret not getting
back into music sooner, Rufus?

Nah. No, I wouldn't give up
raising my kids for anything.

I mean, I love music,
but Dan and Jenny, they're my life.

Okay, everybody ready?

Maybe that's Dan.
I was hoping he would join.

Good boy.

Hello.

Do you know what
this summoning is about?

I do but I can't say.
I'm sworn to secrecy.

Since when do you bite your tongue?

I'm learning.

Well, isn't Humphrey becoming
quite the Drama Queen?

- Isn't that usually your role?
- I prefer Drama Princess now.

How are you, by the way?

I'm okay.
Thanks for asking.

Sorry. Squirrels.

Shall we?

What are you guys doing here?

We must have all gotten
the same text from Dan.

The last time he was this secretive,
he showed up with a baby.

Don't worry. You're not about
to become a grandfather,

though Dan is about to
give birth in another way.

Okay, I'm pretty sure this is
how every murder mystery begins.

- Serena, how was your job?
- Really great, actually.

So great she has no time for me.

Well, I would if you weren't
asleep every time I got home.

Uh, I'm still jet-lagged.

Haven't you been home for weeks?

It certainly feels that
way when I'm around you.

Serena, quick question.

You don't happen to know
a girl named Ivy, do you?

Uh, I don't think so. Why?

Oh. Well, I found her cell,
but I don't know how to get it back to her.

- Your number was in her phone book.
- What's her number? I'll dial it.

Look! Here's Dan.

Hey, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming.

I only have five minutes.

- This better be really important.
- What is this all about?

- Is everything all right?
- This isn't about me, right?

- Yeah, what's going on, Dan?
- This is going to be fun.

I'm sorry to call everyone here
on such short notice, but, uh...

All right, you know how there's been

all this speculation about the
book that's being published

by an anonymous author?

Yeah.
Gossip Girl said it was about us.

Yeah, it was probably written by
some loser who doesn't even know us.

Well, not exactly.

I am that loser.

I wrote it.

And it is based on... you,
sort of all of you.

Looks like it's going to be a hot
time in this old town tonight.

Let's just hope lonely boy and
his book don't go up in flames.

{pub}Hey. What are you doing?

I thought you were
waiting downstairs.

I'm tired of waiting.
When are you gonna tell them?

Soon. I promise.

"Soon" isn't soon enough.

It's time they all knew about us.

What's so funny?

I think you should ask Dan.

Well, I might've made
your character a little...

Gay.

I hope that's okay.
Stop enjoying this so much.

You wanted me to feel something.
That's a feeling.

- Do I have game?
- Oh, definitely.

I'm cool with that.

I know it's gonna be a little weird

with everyone reading characters
inspired by themselves,

but I wanna make it clear...

This book is a work of fiction.

And after you read it, I hope that
you'll feel good enough about it and me

that, uh, you will come to
this book party tonight.

The publisher is announcing
that I'm the author. So...

Yeah. Of course we'll be there.

Well, read it first and
then decide because I...

You know, I didn't have a
lot of time to make changes,

and there are some instances where it's
not exactly how I would've wanted it.

Well, an artist never
feels his work is perfect.

But it's good to
always strive for more.

I am so proud of you, son.

I am gonna cancel my whole day with
panic just so I can savor your book.

So... now that this
unnecessary meeting

about America's future
doorstop is adjourned,

do you wanna go grab a cup of decaf?

Oh, I would love to, B,
but I'm already late for work.

I gotta get back.

Well, maybe after work then?

If this is about the book,
don't worry.

Everyone loves a villain.

I wouldn't say there's a villain,
per se.

Well, I can tell you who isn't.

Come on. Every girl needs to be
knocked off her pedestal a little.

Can't handle that kind of pressure.

I'll see you later.

Um, you know that story
I wrote that Louis killed?

It's in the book?

Yeah, I figured.
But if it's all the same to you,

I think I'd like to stay in the dark about
just how nastily you've portrayed me.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

I mean, you know,
we're just recently friends again.

Why ruin a good thing?

Yeah, and, uh, I'm sorry in advance,

but I have a better offer
than your party tonight.

Louis and I are telling
our families our news.

Good luck.

You, too.

Your novel seems to be, uh, very
well-punctuated, and I liked the font.

Yeah. I'll, uh,
I'll be right over. Bye.

A book written about you guys.
It sounds exciting.

Well... I hope he wasn't writing
it when I went nutso last year.

Trust me, there was enough insanity
around before you even got here.

So...

You and Serena were talking
about a girl named Ivy?

I think I met someone at
the Jenny Packham Show with that name.

Can I help?

Actually, yeah.

I was just hoping to find
her and give her phone back.

I think she was with one
of Lily's society friends.

Maybe we could look through her
phone contacts, jog my memory?

I left it at the office,
but yeah, I could do that.

Do you happen to remember
what she looks like?

Hmm. Blonde...
Boobs...

Botox?

That pretty much describes
everyone at the event.

If I saw her,
I'd probably recognize her.

What'd I miss?

Uh, Nigel Kirstein called for you, and
we got an advance copy of this new book

by some anonymous New York insider,

and everyone in town is
trying to figure out who.

Well, I know who. I used to date him.

Shut up.

No way. You're "Sabrina"?

The dreamy blonde with the legs.

I guess I am.

Hi, uh, this is
Serena Van Der Woodsen returning.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Did you actually have cases of
champagne delivered to your school?

Is that what he wrote?

No, a friend was
pulling a prank on me.

But it happened?

That was in high school.
Keep reading.

You'll see I mature as he
gets to know me better.

Hey. Oh, no,
it's great to hear from you, too.

What?

Daniel Day-Lewis responded to my
letter about "The Blue Rose"?

Himself?

Yeah. No, of course.

Okay, thank you so much.

What was that?

That was his manager.

They wanna set up a conference
call to talk about the project.

I have to tell Jane right now.

Oh. Dylan Hunter said
everything comes easy for you.

Keep reading. I told you.

I'm almost through.

So... I was thinking
"Pierre" maybe if it's a boy,

since it's a Grimaldi family name.

Why not "Charles"?

It's a name that seems to have
special significance to you.

What?

Louis, is something wrong?

I know you were with Chuck.

Is that who you needed
to tell our news to?

No.

It was Serena,
and I didn't even get a chance to.

Dan gathered us all together because
he wrote some novel about everyone,

and he wanted to make sure
we knew about it first.

But the way he said he
made you in that story...

If there's an entire book,
it could be terrible.

I would expect nothing less.

I was mean to him
on the steps of the met.

I bad-mouthed him repeatedly
to his dream girl.

I tried to undermine him at "W."

I'm sure he's brutal.

Look, he may be calling this a novel,

but I know just how little
imagination he really has.

It's a memoir masquerading as
fiction like a reverse James Frey.

So you're going to read it?

No. No.

And you shouldn't either.

Look... that book has nothing to do
with us and the family we're building.

Whatever's in there,
even if it is the truth,

it's in the past.

Now if you'll excuse me,

this baby of yours is making
me so tired, I need to lie down.

Still nothing?

The woman I met's not even
in the background anywhere.

Maybe she's a ghost.

Well, at an Upper East Side event,
we just call them first wives.

Nate, can I see you for a minute?

Uh... yeah.

Sure.

I'm sorry.
You know, I can leave.

It's fine. I only need a minute.
I'm Diana, by the way.

So I gathered.

Charlie.

Hey. Who is that and
why is she in my office?

Charlie Rhodes, all right?
Serena's cousin.

And she said she met a woman named
Ivy at the Fashion Show last week.

I don't care who she is.

We can't have strangers in
here going through our photos.

You should know better.

Listen, she's trustworthy, I promise.

I don't care. Get rid of her.

I'm sorry. I...

Wasn't any more help.

If I remember anything more about her,
I'll let you know.

It was really nice to meet you.
I've heard so much.

- I'll see you.
- Bye.

Thanks for letting me hang here, man.

I'm rather enjoying
watching you squirm. Scotch?

- It's, like, 2:00 P.M.
- Valium then?

I'm guessing my dad is, uh,
probably halfway through

and Nate's probably still on page 20.

I wonder if they're
gonna be upset with me.

Alessandra said it
isn't that scathing.

An I am...
I'm harshest on myself.

I hope they can see that.
Come here, buddy.

Stop whining.

You're not the first person to use the
world around them for inspiration.

Didn't your dad get temporarily
famous singing about Lily?

Yeah, but my book isn't a love song,
you know?

Why aren't you mad at me?

Your character dies... accidentally, but
it's not a... it's not a happy ending.

On the contrary...
although clearly fiction.

I've never use a belt.

I'd use a Shahtoosh scarf.
Much softer.

Well, let's hope everyone
else shares your point of view.

All success comes at a price.

The artist must stand alone
to observe the crowd, right?

It's funny.
Vanessa said the same thing.

Hey, dad...

Really?

Great. You're coming. All right.

Uh, you know,
I have another call but..

but I'll see you tonight.
Okay? All right.

Hello?

Seems like things are
looking up for lonely boy.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

It means a lot that you're coming.

Let's hope they've actually read
the book and not judged it by its cover.

{pub}How is it I can sleep for two
hours and still be so exhausted?

Louis, are you sitting
here by yourself?

I was just, uh, waiting for you to wake
up so I could tell you the bad news.

My family is not going to make it.

There is a terrible storm over
the Atlantic that has delayed their trip.

I'll let my mom and Cyrus know.

We can tell them tomorrow when
Sophie and Beatrice arrive.

If they make it by then.

Well... what do you want
to do tonight instead?

Shall I make a reservation
for Gramercy Tavern?

I have some work to catch up on.

Why don't you go to Dan's book party?

I'm sure he'd love to see you.

Okay.

Louis just lied to
me about his family.

How you know?

My outfit for tonight's announcement
included a pair of crocodile Alaia's,

and you can't wear
such a beautiful shoe

if there's even a hint
of sprinkle outside.

So of course I checked the weather.

Clear from Monaco to Manhattan.

Maybe have something to
do with lonely boy book.

Louis was reading while you sleep.

He did not look happy.

I told him not to read it,

it's not like there's anything in
it that he doesn't know about me.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna kill Dan Humphrey.

Oh, God,
the R.S.V.P.S are rolling in!

The literary world is
saying "yes" to you.

To "Anonymous."

Let's hope they're still interested
when they find out he's me.

They will be.

That and dying to know who
you based the characters on.

We'll want to get a photo of you
with all your friends tonight.

That way, people can play the
guessing game of who's who.

You know, I don't know.

I'm not sure that
they're gonna want to...

To be the lead photo
on "New York Social Diary"?

They wouldn't all be coming if
they didn't want to support you.

Well, not everyone's coming.
Blair's not.

Yes, she is.

She just R.S.V.P.'D. it's right here.

Blair Waldorf, no plus-one.

Really? 'Cause she told
me herself that she...

So, my ex in Scott Rudin's office called.

Apparently, everyone is talking about

the book that your friend
wrote and your character in it.

Oh, I told him that you're Sabrina.

I hope that's not a problem.

No, not at all.

It's nice to play such a
big part in Dan's book.

We've always been so close.

Ugh! He must've been a Saint
to put with you that long.

Remind me never to start a juice fast
the day we talk to Daniel Day-Lewis.

Uh, your pineapple
mint's on the desk.

Better. Let's seal this deal.

Jane Bettinger's office.

Serena?

Yeah. Hi, Nigel. It's me.

I'm putting you
on speaker with Jane now.

Daniel's manager.

We're going to need to
postpone the meeting.

Sorry for the short notice.

Uh, hold on a minute.
I need to hop on another call.

Huh. I wonder if this has anything
to do with you being in that book.

D.D.L. is notoriously
anti-anything scene-y.

What are you talking about?

Oh, well, there's this novel going around
town with a character based on Serena.

"Sabrina" is a totally shallow,
self-obsessed party girl.

Yes, uh, I finished it.

Aren't you being a little reductive?

And ridiculous.

Daniel lives on a farm in Ireland.

His cow's probably giving birth right
now, and everything isn't about Serena.

Sorry about that.

I'm afraid right now
is not a a good time for Daniel

to be looking
at this particular project.

Wait. I'm sorry.
You're passing?

Sorry, Sabrina. Movie business.
It's all about timing. Cheers.

Did he just say "Sabrina"?

Did you spend extra time doing
your hair tonight, Nathaniel?

Ha ha. I don't mind
that Dan made me gay.

I know. I was actually a little
offended he didn't make me gay.

Personally, I thought you'd be more
annoyed at being conflated with Eric.

You didn't read it, did you?

What do you mean by conflated?

Your character is two years younger
than everyone else and is best friends

with the narrator's
little sister Frankie.

In fact,
the only thing I think you share

is Lacrosse and a good
political pedigree.

What's my character's name again?

Derek.

What took you so long?

I got your text, and I came right over.
What's wrong?

I can't believe you told everyone.

It was supposed to be our secret.

You're the one who wanted
it kept secret, not me.

I have a life... future... plans, and...
you can't just screw this up.

- I didn't mean to.
- You have to understand.

There is nothing between us...
Not then, not now.

Nothing.

I don't believe you.

Do you believe me now?

Can we dare believe?

Queen B.
And lonely boy doing the deed?

Even I have to admit
it's a novel idea.

{pub}Dan! What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to be here.
It's my party, isn't it?

Yes, but when it's your party,
you arrive late, and the later the better,

especially because we want a
big frenzy around the reveal

that you are "Anonymous."

I need to put you somewhere
no one will see you.

So I'm supposed to just hide in here?

Yeah, you can sign
books while you wait.

And do not come out until I tell you.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Oh. No, no, it was me.
I wasn't looking.

I'm on my way to an event.

Is it drinks with me?

I wish I could say it was,
but it's a family thing.

Come on. What sounds more fun?

Your family...

Or a dirty martini with a stranger?

Well, a martini or two could be nice.

Flighty? Irresponsible?
I'm gonna kill him.

Whoa! I'm sorry.

Yes, you are.

Oh, I am so sorry Nate couldn't come.

Not as sorry as Dan's going to be.

Wonder where he is.

Hi. I'm Alessandra, Dan's agent.
You must be his dad.

It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Humphrey,
and you, Mrs. Humphrey.

Oh, you can call me Lily.

And this is Sloane Crosley,
the best-selling author

of "I was told there'd be cake."

Which I am still in search of,
so if you'll excuse me.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Where is the man of the hour?
He's early to everything.

I'm hiding him. He'll be out soon.

And you must be Mr. Charlie Trout.

I have been dying to meet you.

Care to join me for a drink?

You know, I just saw Graydon.
Maybe we should go say hello.

Nice meeting you.

Ciao.

I was nervous you wouldn't show up,
considering your portrayal in the book.

Why would I be upset?

I don't know. Your character's story
is so tragic, even before he dies.

And the way it happens...
all I could think was

how long you must have been hanging
there before anybody found you.

I have plenty of staff.

They would have found me immediately.

Staff? Not friends or family?

Makes it even worse.

Hello?

Hi. I'm looking for an Ivy Dickens.

- Yeah. This is sh...
- She? I figured as much.

Don't bother lying or hanging up.

We met this morning when you were
Charlie Rhodes. Remember me now?

Hey, do you know where Dan is?

Can you believe what
he wrote about me?

Which part?
Sabrina is glamorous, sexy, beautiful.

Selfish, insensitive, shallow.

Let me tell you, from experience,
everyone loves a villain.

Yeah, I told Blair the same thing,
but then I realize if that's true,

why are you always alone?

Not one word. Have you seen Dan?

No. Have you?

Did you see what he wrote about me?

No, I didn't have time to read all of it,
just the parts about me.

Me, too.

Check the study.

Nate, hey, are you here?

My agent has me locked in the study.

Please tell me the party's good.

I decided not to come.

What? Why? Is everything okay?

No, dude. It's not.

- What? I thought you...
- Derek? Really?

I mean, I can't believe I'm not even
important enough to merit my own character.

I'm one of your best friends, Dan.

At least I thought I was.

No, every writer condenses people
for better dramatic effect.

Hemingway did it.
Uh, Joseph Mitchell did it.

You have a lot of explaining to do,
Humphrey!

I am so sorry I wasn't
able to stop by.

Nate, I gotta call you back
'cause Blair and Serena are here.

Oh, right,
because they're more important,

which is why they got
their own characters.

No, wait.

- Nate is...
- Furious? Yeah, because I am.

And I'm more furious,
if that's even possible.

I could lose my job over this.

I could lose my fiance!

Wait. What?
I didn't read your parts.

He wrote that we had sex!

You slept with Dan?

- No, you really think I would do that?
- It's not what you think.

- Is this true?
- Of course it's true.

This is why you had me kill your story

and why you asked me not to read it.

I came here because I thought
my suspicions ridiculous.

Turns out the only
thing ridiculous is me.

I should have known.

Dan, your father and stepmother...

- Oh, great. You're all here.
- Hi!

- Perfect opportunity for...
- A photo!

Everyone in?

Looks like the best piece
of fiction is that people...

people are actually
happy for Dan Humphrey.

{pub}Is this what you've been
trying to tell me all day?

No, because it never happened.
It never happened.

I don't believe a word you say.

You said yourself that
Dan has no imagination.

Okay, uh, thanks, but,
Louis, it didn't happen.

I would never lie to you.
You know that.

I never know with you...
And that's the problem.

We're gonna go check on the guests.
Come on, Rufus.

I have no reason to
stay here any longer.

You had better hope I can stop your
fantasy life from destroying my real one.

Blair, I never wanted us
to come between you two.

When are you gonna get
it through your head?

There's no "us." There never was!

There's nothing here but friendship,
and even that's gone now.

Please tell me it is
time for my entrance.

Not yet, but you'll be
fine here with your friend.

Susan Baines was arrested today

at her east Hampton estate
for an alleged Ponzi scheme

reminiscent of the Madoff case.

Apparently, Ms. Baines' hedge fund,
which has been funneling...

How did you know?

Just a hunch.
But then I did my research.

Quite a web you've spun.

But what I can't quite
figure out is why.

Maybe the people you've been
lying to could explain it to me.

I didn't ask for any of it.

Serena's aunt, Carol Rhodes, paid me

to impersonate her daughter Charlie

so she could access her trust fund.

It worked.

And I took the money and
went back to my real life,

only Serena found me and
dragged me back here.

Now I'm trapped.

Ohh. So now you can't get out.

Or maybe you don't want to.

That dress suits you,
as does living in a penthouse, I'm sure.

I'm not... in it for the money.

Maybe I was before,
but now for the first time in my life,

I feel like I actually
belong somewhere.

But you don't.

And when these people realize
you're not one of them,

they're gonna destroy you.

Please don't tell them.

I won't.

I'm gonna protect you, if you let me.

What do you want?

You're making a big mistake.

In thinking that Blair
could be trusted, yes.

She will always have her secrets.

She can't exist without them.

You were right, after all.

You should never listen to me.

If you read Dan's book,
you know how I turn out.

You have a chance

at having love in your life,

not ending up alone...

hanging in a closet.

Don't give up on your own fact

over someone else's fiction.

- I'm sorry you're hurt.
- No, not hurt. Mystified.

In high school, you were the only one

who saw me for who I really
was or who I wanted to be.

You helped me be somebody
that I was more proud of.

I didn't know.

Do you even remember the girl
that you fell in love with?

Or just that she got so drunk on
Thanksgiving that she got grazed by a taxi

or that she got married in Barcelona

or slept with not one but
two of her professors?

I hate to break it to you,
but those things... happened.

It's not the things.
It's how you wrote about them.

That's the point.
Dylan Hunter is a judgmental dick

who can't even look at
himself in the mirror.

My character comes off
the worst of all of them.

He puts off his writing.
He misses job interviews.

He ignores his grades. Why?

Because he cares more
for a pretty blonde

than he does his own future,
and in the end,

none of his friends are
happy for his success.

They all turn their backs on him,
and he deserves it!

Yeah. He does.

I need to find Blair.
I gotta make sure she's okay.

No, we're not done here.

I just messed up her engagement.

I could ruin her life.

Yeah, and what about mine?

If you can't tell the difference
between what I did to Blair

and what I did to you,

then maybe your portrayal in the book
is more accurate than you thought.

That sounds exactly like something
Dylan Hunter would say.

It's time.
You ready for your big moment?

Absolutely.

Everyone? Everyone.

Hi. I know you're not all here
to hear me speak

but to finally find
out who is "Anonymous."

It is with great pleasure that
I introduce you to the amazingly special

and very talented
author of "Inside"...

Dan Humphrey.

Seems Dan Humphrey's on the fast
track from lonely boy to only boy.

{pub}Louis didn't return
my calls all night.

I don't know if he'll
ever speak to me again.

Is that what you were
trying to tell me yesterday?

Have you two been having trouble?

No.

Quite the contrary, in fact.

I wish I was telling you
this at a better time, but...

I'm pregnant.

What?

Oh, my gosh!

Blair, that's amazing!

Wait. That's...
that's good news, right?

Well, I was happy. So happy.

But now what if I'm in this alone?

No, you're not alone. Never.

I know I may have been
busy since I got back,

but that doesn't mean
I'm not here for you.

I can always count on you.

I just wish Louis felt
the same about me.

I do.

I'm gonna get ready for work.

I love you.

Let me know if you need me.

- Louis...
- Don't.

I'm ashamed enough at my behavior.

I know you have a complicated past,

but you've been honest about it.

It's hard for me.

I want to believe, but every time I turn,
there seems to be another secret.

That night at constance,
you gave me a choice.

And now I'm giving you one.

Either you find a way to trust me,
or you let me go.

I could never let you go.

Thanks for seeing me.

Of course, Charles.
I'm so happy you called.

It's been a long time.

Rufus isn't here if you need to talk.

Seems like I'm always off on my own.

I thought you liked it that way.

I don't want to be the
unrepentant bad boy

who no one cares lives or dies.

It's just a book, Charles.

What if it isn't?

There are people that
care so deeply for you

if you would just let them.

Blair is lost to me.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Hey, how was the party?

Oh, I didn't go.

Dan Humphrey wasn't exactly
the friend I thought he was.

Mm. I'm sorry to hear it.

I know how important
loyalty is to you.

But I think I have something
that might cheer you up.

I wanna introduce you
to your new colleague.

Hi.

Hey.
What are you doing here?

I... needed a new job,

so thank you for
introducing me to Diana.

Why do I get the feeling that
there's more to this story?

Oh, a lady never tells.

It's always better
to stay mysterious.

Ah.

Why don't you show her around?

Sure. Yeah. Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Come on in.

Hey, dad.

Your reviews? I guess you have
a lot of reading to do today.

I don't want
you to get too excited,

but "The New York Post" called your son
the "potential voice of his generation."

And "The New York Times"
called the book... where is it...

Uh, yeah, "a searing
portrayal of Manhattan's elite

with just the right
portion of pathos."

I had to double-check it to make sure

they didn't say "pathetic," which is
what all my friends think I am.

Is everything okay?

Well, last night was your big night.

- I didn't want to ruin it for you, but...
- Well, it kinda went there on its own.

What--what's going on?
Did you not like the book?

Of course I did.
You're a beautiful writer.

Just...

Broke... broke my heart.

Wait. Dad...

I gave up my career to raise you, and
I never regretted it, not once...

Until yesterday when I read
what you really think about me.

Has-been turned trophy
husband who married for money.

No, that is not...
That's not what I think of you.

You more than anybody should
understand artistic license.

I never expected to
be your hero, but...

I just didn't think
I'd end up the fool.

In literature,

there are thousands of endings...

Some happy, some sad.

Some end with a twist.

I want this book.

Well... here it is.

I want the movie rights to this book,

and since you're good
friends with the author,

that shouldn't be a problem, right?

We're not exactly
on good terms right now.

Look, your reputation
reflects directly on me,

and frankly,
this book leaves yours in tatters.

So prove to me I made the
right choice hiring you.

I want this book,
and you're going to get it for me.

So whatever you did to Dan Humphrey,
undo it, okay?

You have a week.

Yeah, but I don't know why
it says contact here...

Some stories open the door
for something more.

And then there are fairy tale endings
where the girl gets her prince.

And endings that turn
you introspective

about your own life
and your place in the world.

Hello?

How's my star?
Have you been reading the reviews?

Yeah, a few.

Well, I have great news.

The book is now number 4 on
Amazon, and your reading today

at the Union Square Barnes and Noble
is filling up fast.

Great. That's great.

And then there's the ending
that you saw coming a mile away

and yet somehow still
takes you by surprise.

So I'll see you there at 6:00.
And I know. I don't have

to tell you to be on time
'cause you'll be early.

Oh, how many tickets do you want me to
put on hold for your friends and family?

None. It will just be me.

But don't worry,
my Upper East Side friends.

This story isn't ending.

We're just at the start
of a brand-new chapter.

X.O.X.O.

Gossip Girl.