Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 5, Episode 21 - Despicable B - full transcript

Gossip Girl here.

Your one and only source into
the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

Don't you think it's time
you head home?

I am home.

No, I mean your other home,
the one with your wife in it.

As for the rest of my estate,

I leave to you, Ivy Dickens.

You are never gonna get away with this.

You don't have a case.
I didn't do anything wrong.

The court will decide that.

Our relationship isn't about
choosing one world or another.



Our relationship is our world.
We're a team.

Serena's Gossip Girl.
I'm gonna prove it to you.

You saved Chuck's life,

and you did that because...

I'm Chuck's mother.

You're actually her. You're Gossip Girl.

Please, whatever you do,
just don't tell anyone.

It's one thing to accuse
Serena of being Gossip Girl.

But sending in that video about Chuck?
I can't forgive that.

I've always hesitated

going after Lola's father
for child support.

Do you even know who he is?

I'm looking right at him.

What if my dad doesn't even know I exist?



What if all he'd want is to know me?

I'm sure he does.

And who am I?

That's a secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me.

X.O.X.O., Gossip Girl.

In our modern age,

there are so many ways for
information to travel.

And yet, with all our
tablets and smartphones,

there are still some people

who like to get their morning dish

the old-fashioned way.

Even without the information highway,

good news always seems to travel fast.

But bad news?

Well, you know what they say...

You know, I must commend myself

on my choice of wardrobe for you today.

You are striking just the right
tone of literate and serious yet

playful and accessible.

I'm just meeting a couple of
Simon & Schuster publicists.

It's really not a big deal.

Not a big deal?
What could be more important

than strategizing ways
to publicize yourself?

I don't know. Maybe the banking crisis or--

or what's going on in Syria or--

Dan, we know you're never
gonna be trending on Twitter

if you choose those topics to discuss.

Now just be humble, self-deprecating,

with a tinge of intellectual superiority.

And always leave them wanting more.

Have a great day!

Dorota!

Run me a hot bath.

I want a long soak in the tub
and catch up on my reading.

I have better idea.

How about you take quick shower,

then supervise me as I
clean out your closet?

You need more space,

and I-I-I need to work off baby weight bad.

Did you see the look on Ivy's face

when mother's nurse accused her

of "taking unfair advantage
of the weak and elderly"?

Well, thank God that woman came forward

and said what actually happened.

I knew right then that the judge
would invalidate the will.

Tell me, Lily.

How much exactly did you pay
that nurse to lie for you?

'Cause I have done nothing
but love and care for Cece.

It's not my mom's fault that
the truth finally came out.

So why don't you leave us alone

before we head into one of these offices

and file a restraining order against you?

Hey, mom. Where was Rufus this morning?

I was kinda surprised he
wasn't here to support you.

Well, Rufus had an appointment,

and I just told him not to cancel

because as long as you were
by my side, I'd be fine.

So what happens now?
The money just reverts back to you?

Well, now that the will has been revoked,

the estate will be split
50-50 between me and Carol.

And she's flying in tonight
to sign the paperwork.

There'll be gloating, no doubt.

Well, believe me, it's a small price to pay

to be done with this whole thing.

And thank God nobody knew
how dirty it really got.

Here she comes!

Lily! Lily! Is the family still
fighting with each other

over your mother's inheritance?

How's it feel going from
high-class to high-trash?

Well, I assure you, this is
all one big misunderstanding.

The entire Rhodes clan couldn't be happier.

Any truth to the rumors

that you and your husband are
no longer living together?

No. None at all.

Serena, shall we?

Wait, just one more question.

I think you dialed the wrong number.

Obviously, you meant to
call your son and not me.

I know the news of me being Chuck's mother

must have come as rather a...
big surprise to you.

Ya think?

But it doesn't have to
ruin anything between us.

Except for the small fact that

every time I look at you now,
I see a Bass in my face.

You know I still have feelings for you.

And now that you've broken
up with that girl Lola,

I think you might still
have feelings for me, too.

Am I wrong?

I should really go.

I'm gonna be out of the
office all day. But...

Can we meet after work tonight

and at least talk it through?

I don't know. I never really saw myself as

a "sleep with your best
friend's mother" kind of a guy.

Just think about it, okay?

All right.

Is it true what the paparazzi
said about you and Rufus?

Are you really not living together?

Well, we're taking a little
hiatus to clear our heads, yes.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, because I didn't want to worry you.

Rufus is in Brooklyn. He's fine.

And, you know, he'll come
around like he always does.

My bigger concern is the public perception

of this whole mess that Ivy caused.

'Cause let me tell you something, Serena,

nothing ruins a family reputation faster

than a money fight.

You should be focusing on
fixing things with Rufus.

I know! We'll have a big
family dinner here tonight,

to celebrate our victory in court.

And I'll invite a reporter
from the New York social diary

to dispel all the rumors of family strife.

You think the way to handle this

is by inviting the media into our home?

I'll find a way to get Rufus here.
You bring Lola.

We're not exactly in a
good place right now.

Well, get in one.
Once they see us all together,

these vicious rumors will
evaporate before they began.

Nathaniel, are my ears playing tricks on me

or did I hear you on the phone
with a young lady earlier?

No, not exactly. Um...

You mother called to talk to me.

Well, I'm not sure which one of
us this is more awkward for.

Neither am I.

Between my history with
Diana and now yours,

it's just too weird to even
be in business with her.

I would love to find some funding

and possibly buy her out for good.

You interested?

Unfortunately, I'm still trying to decide

what kind of relationship I want with her.

Which means I'm not ready to put
her out of business just yet.

What you're saying is, since
I already screwed her...

I don't need to also.

Oh, by the way, I hope you don't mind.

I called Andrew in

to figure out where Diana's
getting her money.

She needed my grandfather last time.

Someone must be bankrolling her now.

And when you find out who it is?

I'll try and convince the
investor to bet on me alone.

Do what you have to do,

but I am respectfully staying out of it.

Andrew.

Mr. Bass.

I did some digging.

I found out that Diana
is getting her funding

from an Australian holding company.

Were you able to find a name?

Andrew, I need you to find out

everything you can about Diana Payne.

I'll tell you, Dorota,

for the first time in a long time,

I feel as if all is right in the universe.

Not the Dior!

Wait.

Why did you throw these away?

I haven't read "New York" magazine yet.

It's too much clutter.
It clutter your brain.

You sure you want to read, miss Blair?

There are some bad things
about friends in there.

Don't you know me at all?

I love reading bad things about my friends.

It's the only thing that makes
me feel better about myself.

Dan made the approval matrix?

In the highbrow/brilliant box?

"Dan Humphrey writing a new book--

one that isn't a cheap sequel to 'Inside.'"

That's brilliant?

I mean, I'm surprised he made
the magazine at all, but...

He's highbrow and I'm lowbrow

"for being married for less
time than Kim Kardashian"?

I was so wrong, Dorota.
All is not right in the universe.

The universe is totally upended,

and we must right it immediately.

And how we plan to do that?

I must become as highbrow
as Dan this instant.

Hello, sweetie.

Hey, dad. I-I think I need your help.

For you, anything.

What's going on?

Word got out about all of our family drama

over grandma's inheritance,

and now mom wants to have
a big dinner tonight

and--and invite the press to try to fix it.

I don't know. I just don't think

that's the right way to handle it.

This is just your mother's process.

She needs to make sure

everything looks good on the outside

before she takes care of the inside.

Well, is there any way you can make it?

You've been such a calming presence

during all this craziness.

And Carol is gonna be there,

which usually only adds to the conflict.

I wish I could, sweetie,

but there's no way I can get
into town on such short notice.

But don't worry.

I promise you, everything
is gonna be just fine.

Okay. Well, thank you anyway.

I love you, dad.

Love you, too, angel.

Bye.

I've always been a daddy's girl,

but sometimes the problem with fathers...

Sorry about that. Now where were we?

I think you were about to tell me

how you found out that you're my dad.

Is that they can be real sons of bitches.

How am I supposed to be okay with this?

My mom knowingly kept me
from you all these years.

It may sound crazy, but I
think in her... own way,

she was just trying to protect everyone.

Well, she still should've told me about it,

and then it could've been up to you and me

what kind of relationship
we wanted to have.

I know in your mind you think we
lost a lot of good years, but...

The truth is,

I was a lousy dad to Serena and Eric.

I think I finally learned from my mistakes.

So instead of looking back
and cursing your mother,

how about we focus on what
we can have moving forward?

Now your mom told me not
to tell anybody about us,

but...

If you'd like everyone to know the truth,

it's fine by me.

I think it would be best if we
didn't tell the family just yet.

I won't say a word.

Okay.

Have you heard the good news?

A judge invalidated my mother's will,

so we can now finally put
all this drama behind us.

Now where are the champagne flutes?

Uh, Lil... why are you here?

Well, because we're having
a celebratory dinner

tonight at our place, just the family,

and I want you to come.

I'm sorry you're upset with me,

but I think it's time we put
our petty fighting behind us

and move on.

What do you say?

I'd say that doesn't sound
like a real apology.

Well, I'm not sure I'm the
one who needs to apologize.

Oh, you think I am? For what?

Taking Ivy's side, paying
her way behind my back?

She was basically homeless.

That's because the home she'd
been living in was mine.

That's exactly right, Lil.

It was yours, not ours.

Do you see what we're doing here,

all this fighting and finger pointing?

I thought we were in this together,

but you do whatever you feel like.

Well, I could say the same thing about you.

This isn't how a marriage
is supposed to be.

Who's wrong? Who's right?
It doesn't matter.

What matters is that
we're in a partnership.

I couldn't agree more.

Then how about you give me a call

when you're ready to be a partner again?

Wow. That must've been one quick jet

you took to get you back
to New York already.

Serena. Hello.

Do you wanna explain why you lied to me

or why you were hanging out with Lola?

If you must know, I...

Bonded with my niece at Cece's wake.

She's been a bit lonely with all
this stuff with her mother.

I'm just... trying to be there for her.

But that still doesn't explain

why you told me you weren't in town.

I'm sorry.

It's just, you invited
me to a family dinner,

and I heard rumors that Lily
and Rufus are having problems.

As you know, my presence tends to be

the opposite of helpful
around the two of them.

I never should've lied to you.

I-I didn't know what else to say.

Well, if you wanna make it up to me,

why don't you come to dinner tonight?

Please? I'm not gonna
take "no" for an answer,

so just say "yes," dad. For me?

You convinced me.

Thank you.

You know, I'm--I'm gonna invite Lola, too.

I'll see you at mom's at 8:00, okay?

Great.

Yeah, I appreciate that. Thanks.

Were you able to reach Jack?

No. Apparently, he's
taken a leave of absence

from Bass Australia,

and no one seems to know where he is.

Of course, they say that's
rather normal for Jack.

Well, you have a visitor.
Want me to let her in?

Yeah, sure. Thanks, Amy.

Nate, hi.

Lola, hey.

I just recently gained insight

into how painful it must've been

for Chuck to find out
that Diana was his mom.

And I'm just really sorry for
the role I played in that.

Oh, yeah, well, thanks for that.

But... why? What happened to you?

My father finally came forward,

and, um, I just spent the morning with him.

So I really needed someone to talk to.

Well, I'm glad you came to me.
Believe it or not,

I went through the same thing with Chuck

when he thought he found his
mother a couple years ago.

Another woman besides Diana?

Yeah, but it turned out
none of it was true.

It was just all this big lie
orchestrated by his, um...

Orchestrated by his Uncle Jack.

Hey, Lola, I'm--I'm really sorry,

but I can talk more about this later.

I've just gotta deal with
something right now.

Are you gonna be okay?

Thanks.

Hey, Amy, would you give me Andrew Tyler?

And if you can't reach him,

see if you can find any information online

about a woman named Elizabeth fisher.

So as I was cleaning out
my closet this morning,

I suddenly had a brilliant--

And highbrow.

Thank you, Dorota.
A brilliant and extremely highbrow idea.

Such a shame to have all
these beautiful accessories

that are hidden from the world
the vast majority of the time.

So I decided to allow F.I.T.

To exhibit my shoe and handbag collection.

This is the purse I brought to prom,

and, of course,

that is the shoe that Louis
brought back to me from Paris

in the beginning of our storybook romance.

Which ended even more famously
than it began, didn't it?

Maybe if you were still
a princess, I'd bite,

but since you're no longer royalty...

She still royalty to me.

Down, Dorota. It's okay.

Also, it's far too similar

to an exhibit we already
did with Daphne Guinness.

Perhaps another time.

Who was that guy?

Some representative from F.I.T.

More like similar word, but spelled "s"--

It doesn't matter.
How was the meeting with your publicist?

They just wanted to see me in person

so they could tell me I'm one
of the five people nominated

for the New York Public Library's
2012 Young Lions Fiction Award.

and there's a cocktail reception tonight

where they're honoring the nominees.

I was wondering if, uh,
if you would be my date.

Well, of course.

I can't wait to be there to honor you,

my boyfriend,

who's doing such highbrow,
brilliant things.

In fact, I'm gonna buy a
new dress since clearly

nothing is worthwhile in
my entire collection.

Okay, but it's a cocktail party.

You can keep it casual.

Despite what F.I.T. Believes,

I think I know how to dress
myself for an evening out,

thank you very much.

Hey! Have you seen Lola?

I just saw on "Gossip
Girl" that she was here.

Oh, you just missed her.

Oh. I just left her a message

inviting her to this family dinner tonight,

but I really wanted to
make up with her in person

after our tiff last week.

Oh, I'm glad.

Lola could really use some
friends right about now.

She's just going through
some things, you know?

Unrelated to you, but...

Really? Everything okay?

She just met her father
for the first time today.

She spent the morning with him.
I think the whole experience

just kind of threw her
for a loop, you know?

She spent the morning with her father?

Yeah.

Nate, no word from Andrew
yet, but I think I found

that phone number your were asking for.

Ah. Thanks, Amy.

Listen, Serena, I really need to
go deal with this. Excuse me.

Lily may have wanted the
perfect nuclear family,

but this bomb is going to start a war.

How's this for tonight's speech?

"I learned many things writing this book.

"Number one-- don't exploit your friends.

"Number two--if you are going
to exploit your friends,

uh, you--you should probably
tell them about it first."

I can do better than this.

You know, I'd be happy to
accompany you to the event

as your proud father, if you want me to.

Okay, what's going on, dad?

You haven't wanted to spend
this much time with me

since I wrote a term paper

on British punk rock and
the subculture of scorn.

All right, you got me.

Lily invited me to this big
family dinner tonight,

and I'm not sure if I wanna go.

Well, do I need to remind you
that Lily's still your wife?

Don't tell me you're on her side.

No, I'm not on any side.

But you gave me some very
good advice recently

on the importance of
equality in a relationship.

And if Lily is taking steps
to make things better,

how can you not at least
try to do the same?

That's all.

Oh, hi.

Mom, I know you wanna have

this great family dinner here tonight,

but you have to cancel.

Why? What happened?

I just...

I just found out that Lola's not my cousin,

but she's my sister.

Which means dad was having
an affair with Carol

while you were still married.

How did you hear this?

Well, dad lied to me
about being out of town,

and then I saw him with Lola.
And--and then Nate just told me

that Lola spent the
morning with her father.

Well, there still could be
some other explanation.

No, no, this is the explanation.
It explains everything--

Carol hiding Lola from us,
hiring Ivy to be her.

You know in your heart
that this is the truth.

Serena...

Your father and I divorced
for many reasons.

His philandering was just one of them.

Nonetheless, we need to
handle our present problems

before we start digging into past ones.

Are either one of them aware
that we know their secret?

Okay, then let's keep it that way

until after the reporter
leaves and dinner is over.

And then I'll sit down with
your father and Carol alone

and calmly sort through
this in a mature manner.

I want you to put this out of your mind,

plaster on your best happy face,
and go get ready for the party.

Will you do that for me?

If that's what you want.

I'll see you in a few hours.

Hi. This is Lily.

I know I'm probably the last person

you wanna talk to right now,

but I have a partnership
proposition for you.

I'm sorry to leave all this

on your answering machine, Elizabeth.

I just really need your help.

I mean, if you have any proof whatsoever

that you are in fact Chuck's real mother,

and if you care about
him even a little bit,

now would be the time to come forward.

Feel free to contact me
anytime, day or night.

Thank you very much.

What'd you find out?

That the first record of our "Diana Payne"

was three years ago.

Before that, it's like
she didn't even exist.

So if Diana Payne's not her real name,

how do we ever find out her story?

How do I look?

Suspicious.

You heard Mr. Humphrey.

Why you dressed so fancy
for casual book party?

Ah, guess the opera
gloves may be a bit much.

I smell a scheme when I see one.
What's going on?

It is very simple, Dorota.

After carefully studying back
issues of "New York" magazine,

I realized that I don't
aspire to be anything

like the highbrow/brilliant people at all.

They're all boring doctors curing diseases

and lame philanthropists
trying to save the world.

Who wants to be on that list?

But Mr. Dan's not lame.

Fine. He is the exception to the rule.

But my point is--

highbrow/despicable.

That's where you find

the headline makers having all the fun.

Gwyneth, Victoria Beckham,
Mayor Bloomberg--

those are my people, Dorota,

and it is time that I
become one of them again.

Now I have written a list of talking points

for when the press calls
later this evening.

"Do say Blair is generous and impulsive.

Don't say any of this was premeditated."

You going to steal Mr. Dan's
spotlight on big night,

aren't you?

That would be merely despicable.

But if I do it while performing

an incredibly honorable
and magnanimous deed,

then it's highbrow/despicable.

So I was, uh, thinking about
what we talked about earlier,

and I decided that as your husband,

I'd like to come and
support you this evening.

Oh, that's very sweet of you Rufus,

but unfortunately, dinner's been canceled.

I'll call you later.

All right, you got me here.

Now what kind of a
"partnership proposition"

did you have in mind?

I can work with this.

You can work with what?

Take my coat, will you?

Uh... you look beautiful,

but I did tell you this was casual, right?

This is casual.

Be right back.

Dorota, why isn't anything
posted on "Gossip Girl" yet?

I don't know. I sent in tip about
how your Elie Saab couture

upstages stodgy lions ten minutes ago,

just like you said.

Well, it isn't working.

No one's paying any attention to me.

Hey. How you doing? I'm Dan Humphrey.

It looks like I'm going
to shift into phase two

earlier than I thought.

...on modern class distinctions

and the near ritualistic social
mores of the Upper East Side.

It was almost Austenian in nature.

Or Waldorf-Ian...

Being as that I was his
muse and inspiration.

And hi. I'm Blair Waldorf.

Hi. Blair Waldorf.

Hi. Blair Waldorf. Hi. Mm.

Victor, I really appreciate
you doing this for me.

The empire just isn't the
same without you, man.

Well, I might be back there very soon

if anyone finds out what I just did.

Well, I'll be super quick, I promise.

All right, Diana.

Reveal yourself.

Well, I really appreciate the invitation.

Yes, of course. I think it's very important

for you to see firsthand all
this infighting over money

has been just so wildly
exaggerated by the press.

You can understand how to an outside eye--

Oh, nonsense. The truth is, one bad egg

threatened to tear the whole family apart.

But as you'll see this evening,

I would never let that happen.

I'm, um, sorry that my husband
won't be in attendance,

but he's feeling a little
under the weather. Excuse me.

Are you all right?
Because this isn't exactly

the happy face that we
talked about earlier.

I just still feel a little
weird about tonight.

Is it too late to cancel?

Darling, it is already happening.

Oh, Carol!

Looking just as great as ever.

Hi.

Hi. Uh, Carol, this is

David Patrick Columbia of
the New York social diary.

Hi! Nice to meet you.

If you wanted to see my underwear,

all you had to do was ask.

Are you just gonna stand
there, staring at me,

or would you like to tell me

why you've broken into my hotel room?

If you must know, I was...

Looking for something for you to wear.

The truth is, I've just been...

Thinking about your call today.

I'm listening.

Our chemistry is clearly undeniable.

And...

I'm just tired of fighting it.

So... I'm not going to anymore.

Good evening, Carol.

How are you?

You can breathe easier now, William.

Since I've gotten half
of my mother's estate,

you're no longer in danger of
losing everything anymore.

And our little secret?

I see no reason to tell anyone else.
How about you?

Hello, sweetheart.

You're looking lovely as ever.

Oh, thank you. I get it from my mom.

Wow! Look who's here. Can you believe it?

All of us together in the same room,

one big happy family.

Well, now that our final guest has arrived,

if you'll follow me, I know
we're in for quite a meal.

Next up to say a few words about his book

and tell us what the young
lions means to him--

Dan Humphrey.

Thank you, Deborah.

Your brilliant short stories
inspire me to write better--

and get to the point quicker.

I believe it was Hemingway who once said--

What...

a wonderful introduction, Dan.

I truly could not tell you how moved I was

by all the touching things you
wrote about me in "Inside."

A book can only be read by
people who know how to read it.

Otherwise, it is nothing
more than a paperweight

or a doorstop.

Which is why I, Blair Waldorf,

have decided to provide an endowment

to the young lions fund

to help with children's literacy,

so that all the despicable new
yorkers our there like me

can one day grow up to
read "Inside" themselves.

However, as always,

I prefer to remain anonymous.

So a toast to Dan.

And to literacy.

And to me...

Anonymously.

Cheers?

Well, in the spirit of the evening,

I've decided to serve
tonight's meal family style.

Mom, this is so unlike you.

You hate anything family style.

Yes, well, I've since realized
how important sharing is

to the family dynamic. Us Van Der Woodsens

share more than you could possibly imagine.

Yeah, like when you used
to steal my leg warmers

when we were teenagers.

Yes, just like that, or
when you stole my husband

and decided to have a baby
with him behind my back.

Oh, my God.

Mom, why are you doing this now?

Okay, I think David's seen
enough family bonding

for one evening.

No, please, Serena, let him stay.

I don't want there to be any more secrets.

Why did you tell Lily?

I never said a word.

Lola was never supposed to know about this.

Well, maybe if you didn't want me to know,

you shouldn't have tried to blackmail him.

And if it wasn't bad enough
that you slept with my husband

all those years ago and left your daughter

in the dark about her father's identity,

then you send an imposter
into my home to get money.

You know what? I don't need
to listen to this any longer.

I got what I came here for--

my half of the inheritance,

and I'm leaving.

It's not exactly that easy. Gentlemen?

What's going on?

You're being arrested for fraud.

Ivy is the one who committed fraud, not me.

Yes, well, you're the one
that put her up to it,

so that kinda makes you the mastermind

behind the whole thing.

Well, unfortunately for you,

Ivy would never admit that to anyone.

Otherwise, she would incriminate
herself in the process.

Ivy?

Actually, I've already given my statement,

and in exchange for ratting you out,

I got off scot-free.

Uh-oh, Carol.

Dinner's over, and it looks like

Ivy just served you your last supper.

You realize this isn't just hurting my mom.

It's hurting me, too.

Your mother deserves to be punished.

She defrauded all of us,

and we should have done this months ago.

You know, don't listen to her, Lola.

This has nothing to do with fraud.

This is all because I slept with
her husband two decades ago.

But here's the thing, Lily.

I never would have been with
William in the first place

if he were happy with you.

One tip--

if you want things to go
smoothly in the jail,

put her in solitary.

You know, maybe my mom was
right keeping me from you

all these years,

because the truth hasn't helped anybody.

Lola, wait.

Let me take you home.

You know I never meant

for any of this to happen, right?

Oh, wow, what's next?

You gonna walk her down the aisle?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?

They haven't even handed
out the certificates

to the nominees yet.

Did you really feel the
need to steal the spotlight

from me tonight because I was above you

on the--on the back page of some magazine?

No, that's ridiculous.

Is it? 'Cause you said in your speech

something about me being
"brilliant and highbrow,"

and if it's about that,

it's a bit of an overreaction,
don't you think?

I mean, you know none of that
stuff means anything to me.

Well, it means something to me,

and it isn't just about the magazine.

I don't wanna live in someone
else's shadow anymore.

I did it the whole year I was with Louis,

and then with Chuck before that.

I'm sick of being behind the
scenes in a relationship.

You're not behind-the-scenes with me.

That's what I love about us.

We are equals in this.

Well, that's not how I feel,

and it's clearly not how
other people view me.

Maybe you are so focused on how
everyone else perceives you,

that you no longer know who you are.

And that's too bad,

'cause if you could only see what I see...

Mm. Is it safe to assume
that you're ready to, um,

resume our relationship again?

What do you say we go downstairs
and grab a drink together

and continue exploring our options?

Mwah. Okay.

Actually, Diana, I, um,
just got a text from Chuck.

He's back home, and he's,
um, wondering where I am.

So if I could just take a
rain check on that drink,

then I'll just see you at the office.

Wait a minute!

Serena, give me a minute, please.

Hey, look...

I'm sorry for not being
truthful with you today.

And for cheating on your
mother all those years ago.

That's between you and mom,

but you lied to me today to protect Lola.

You left me when I was 4 years old,

and when I tracked you down...

You wouldn't even see me.

All I ever wanted my
whole life was a father,

and all you ever did was avoid me,

and then now when you find out about Lola,

you just rush to be by her side.

Well, you broke my mom's heart,

and now you just broke mine.

Rufus.

Don't get up. I'm not gonna be long.

Apparently, you did have a dinner tonight,

or so I read from a newsfeed

about you getting your sister arrested.

Carol hurt this family too badly
to just get away with it.

You sound just like your mother.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

My mother would have done anything

to preserve our family name.

No matter the consequences to
the actual family members,

right?

I'll bet

you even paid off the nurse
to testify against Ivy.

You know, I-I thought we'd grown together,

but if this is who you wanna be...

I don't wanna have anything to do with it.

Rufus, are you saying you'd like a divorce?

'Cause where exactly are you gonna find

some other Upper East Side woman

to take care of you the way I have?

Spoken like a true Rhodes.

You just made my decision for
us to spend some time apart

that much easier.

So... thank you.

Oh, hey. How was your day?

I've decided to delete
certain disturbing images

of my mother's past from my mind...

And attempt a relationship with her.

Well, before you two start bonding

and having spa weekends together,

maybe you should see this.

Elizabeth fisher e-mailed me
that picture a few minutes ago.

Take a look at the date in the corner.

It's right before you were born.

But Diana said Elizabeth
couldn't get pregnant.

Well, I guess she lied to you.

Jack probably put her up to it.

Jack? What does he have to do with this?

Turns out he's the one funding Diana.

He could have paid her to tell
you whatever you wanted to hear.

And had her pretend Elizabeth's
donated blood was really hers.

But if Elizabeth really is my mother,

then why would she deny being the donor?

Something still doesn't add up.

You were right.

The problem wasn't your success.

It was me.

Somehow between being traded for a hotel

and selling out for a tiara,

I lost my true self.

But I wanna be found.

Could you possibly help?

I have a feeling that
the real Blair Waldorf

is a lot closer than you think.

Wasn't all that long ago that she and I

were working side-by-side at "W,"

and I totally fell for her.

And what was that girl like?

That girl is, uh, fiercely strong,

independent, outspoken, beautiful,

capable of anything, and no man or magazine

should be able to take that away from her.

She sounds great.

I look forward to meeting her again.

I can't believe Lily did this to me.

Neither can I,

but you have to stop
thinking about your sister

and start doing what's
best for our daughter.

With you under arrest,

it's going to be very difficult

for you to access your money.

If you sign over power of attorney to me,

I give you my word that
I'll take care of Lola,

and I will get you the best damn lawyers

your mother's inheritance can buy.

You really care about her, don't you?

I just wanna do the right thing.

You did the right thing.

Carol never should have
put you in this position.

I want you to know I'm not like her.

I might have... come to New York

because Carol paid me
to, but once I met you,

the only thing that mattered to me

was feeling like I was
a part of your family.

So you've said, but there is, um,

nothing to be done about that, is there?

I could tear up this check.

Lily, please.

Just let me earn back a
place in your heart.

Good-bye, Ivy.

Hello?

I did what you asked.

I'll sign Carol's half of
the estate over to you

when I get to the apartment.

Thank you.

We both know she does
not deserve that money,

and your getting it away from her

is the least you could do
after what I found out

about you two today.

But you are going to take
care of Lola, right?

That was our deal.

What kind of a monster do you think I am?

You think just because she's a product

of your extramarital affair
that I would punish Lola.

I wouldn't do that.

Why don't I believe you?

See you soon.

On second thought...

Take me to J.F.K.

What do you want?

I know we've had our ups and downs.

Well, mostly downs.

But... we're sisters now.

Half. What's your point?

I don't know a ton about being a sibling,

but I have a hunch that
uniting against parents

is a pretty major bonding experience.

I was thinking the best way for
you to get back at your mom

is by helping me get my mom out of jail.

You never really stood a chance
of exposing me as Gossip Girl,

and I'm not really interested
in being your sister

all of a sudden.

So please just stay away
from me and my family,

okay, sis?

I'll show you out now.

You okay?

The only thing that Diana and Elizabeth

have in common is my Uncle Jack.

Take a look at this photo again.

You see the tattoo on the guy's arm?

Yeah. So?

So I know that tattoo.

Check it out.

The man in that photo is not my dad.

It's Jack.

What if all this subterfuge
over my mother's identity

was actually disguising the real question?

It's not who's my mom. It's who's my dad.

Nate, I think Jack Bass is my father.