Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 5, Episode 2 - Beauty and the Feast - full transcript

Gossip Girl here,

your one and only source

into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

How about a tour?

Absolutely. It is my house.

Don't you think
you should be the one to go?

Actually, this is my house.

Nice to meet you, by the way, um...

Nate.

How would you like
to keep working for me?

I would love to.



I have to say it was
a pretty devious plan.

Thank you, Ivy.
You played your part perfectly.

One month anniversary of our move.

Ivy, stop talking to your
boyfriend and start working.

Charlie! Oh, my gosh!

What are you doing here?

Why would Vanessa steal your story?

To teach me a lesson.

People write songs about wiping
out on our L.A. roadways.

I'm not scared of anything.

Do they know?

Know what?

How far along you are.
I'd say... six weeks?

I'm not pregnant.



Lie to me all you want,

but your body will be
telling the whole world

the truth by the
time of your wedding.

Rise and shine, upper east siders.

It's time for your annual checkup.

Lucky for you, doctors take

their confidentiality
seriously around here.

Are you sure this doctor's reputable?

Your prenatal care is imperative.

You never care about my womb before.

Maybe this is way to avoid

seeing Mr. Louis off on trip to Monaco

for feast of assumption holiday.

Louis' sister Beatrice
is picking him up at noon

in their jet, which gives us

plenty of time to discuss
your gestational issues.

Dorota, how are you feeling?

She's fine.
I'm Blair, Dorota's employer.

I have a few questions.

Just go with it. Is only way.

I need to ask you how long her
morning sickness will last.

As I'm naturally empathetic,

the mere discussion of food...

Not to mention the odor, the taste...

It should ease off in
the first trimester.

And... what about breast sensitivity?

Miss Blair!

Is the one asking the questions.

You see, she practically screams
when anyone touches them.

I can hear her all
the way from queens.

Sensitivity's totally normal.

Okay. And, um,
how long till she can determine

the father of her child?

She's had a few one-night stands
with the staff of our building.

Blair Cornelia Waldorf!

You two should work this out.

Dorota can come back another time...

Alone.

I'm sorry.

I-I don't know what's come over me.

Yes, you do.

You are pregnant, too.

We are like sisters now!

Cousins.

Distant cousins.

Miss Blair, why you not say you are...

do not utter the word.

No one must know.

Well, at least not until I have
some time to figure things out.

I don't care what you say.

I hug you anyway for luck.

And keep secret.

I'm sorry. It's not you...

I'm so sick of all you
guys on antidepressants.

It's a good thing you don't
offer satisfaction guaranteed,

or she'd be your third
refund this week.

Do you need
pharmaceutical assistance?

Yeah, I wish weed was the answer.

I meant Viagra.

No, everything works down there.

It's here that's the problem.

I just can't stop thinking
about that woman from L.A.

It's understandable,
given your mother issues.

She called twice.

She did? Did she leave a
number or at least her name?

Last I heard, it was Anne Archibald.

Yeah, well, in an attempt

to take some of your
advice about my future,

I asked my mom if she could help me

get an internship this fall.

Schumer and Lloyd Blankfein at Goldman

are both interested,
and now she wants me to choose.

So call your mommy. Pick either job.

Forget about your
mysterious lady from L.A.

If a woman wants to see you again,

she generally tells you her name.

What happened to the son helping
the father make breakfast?

You've been on that
computer since you got here.

I know. Sorry.
I'm... I'm trying to figure out

which publisher has my book so
I can stop it from coming out.

And Jeremiah Harris wasn't any help?

No, no, the only clue I have

is this, uh, check Vanessa sent me.

I'm sorry. I'll be one more minute,

and then I will be in there
to burn the bacon, I swear.

Hey!

Hey. Um, listen,

I know you're probably
on your way to surf

or hanging out at Cameron Diaz's house,
but, uh,

I was wondering if you could share

some of your bank
breaking secrets with me.

Well, I thought you did all
your scheming with Blair.

No, she's not speaking to me.

I just need, um,
to help Vanessa with a bounced check,

and I can't reach her.
I was thinking that,

you know, whatever you did to
get into lily's safe deposit box

might also work for me.

Oh, well, that was all Chuck.

He slept with the girl at the bank.
But knowing him,

there are many more
girls at many more banks.

You should ask him.

Right. Chuck. Okay, thanks.

So are you really staying out there?

Well, I got a great job,
and Charlie's here.

Char-Charlie as in "Call me Serena"
cousin Charlie

who moved back to Florida?

Yeah, who's actually been living in L.A.
one and the same.

I'm about to go to brunch with her

and make her fill in all the blanks.

Well, don't be too quick
to option her life rights

before you make sure
she's back on her meds.

But in all seriousness,

tell her I said hi.

Bye.

And for my final course,

a hot peach clafouti,

inspired by my hot girlfriend Ivy.

Aw.

Mmm.

Oh, three Michelin Star, definitely.

Which... of these scream

"I am a New York City
trust fund baby" more?

Uh... those, I guess.

You okay?

You seem extra nervous
about this audition?

Yeah.

Some days it's just not as much fun

trying to be an actress.

Well, at least we're
failing together.

Unlike Jason...

he just got this huge chef
gig at beast in Portland.

Hey, it's cheap, too.
Moving there could end my days

of plating salad with
dressing on the side

and save you from using your
mysterious emergency fund.

Max, I told you,
this is my last resort.

There's only enough to use it once.

I know. It's just,

I don't want to end
up like everybody else

who comes to L.A.
with dreams only to find that L.A.

Is the place where
dreams come to die.

Or you get those weird lips
that everybody here has.

Let's not give up yet.

I promise things will get better.

I wish you could join
me for the feast.

The church celebrates with all
of Monaco's favorite foods.

To honor virgin mother
honest rise to heaven.

Uh... why aren't you waiting
to greet princess Beatrice

at the elevator?

I know you two will love each other.

Don't be so sure.

My first impression
on grimaldi women thus far

has been abysmal at best.

Unlike grimaldi men who fall in love

the moment they see you,
but don't worry.

My mother and Beatrice
never agree on anything.

They make the brothers
of Brunei look civil.

At least we don't have harems.

Ah, la voila.

Louis...

Me, too.

Beatrice, this is Blair.

You are even more beautiful
than the photographs

in the paper.

Mm.

The perfume...

It's Jasmine and clove oil from Africa.
Do you like it?

It's powerful.

Then I shall give you mine.

I'll get more when I go back.

I've always longed for a sister.

Sit, sit.

Tell me everything.

Okay, Spill.
What are you doing in L.A.

And how did you get your mom
to agree to let you come here?

She didn't.

I call her and I tell
her that I'm okay,

but not where I am.

Trust me, it's better this way.

Florida was making me crazier
than New York ever did.

And you're being responsible
with your medication?

I needed a break from my mom,
not reality.

Well, Florida's loss is my gain.

Okay, I wanna know everything!
Friends, boyfriends.

Neither, honestly,
which is why it's so sad

that you have to go back
to New York for school.

Well, then I must be a genie,

'cause your wish is granted.

I'm staying.

Um...

I thought that your movie ended.

Oh, it did,
but the producer offered me a job,

so I'm meeting with her later today

to discuss the details.
But don't worry.

We'll have plenty of time
to catch up before then.

They say misery loves company,
but sometimes

it's the company that
makes you miserable.

Mm!
My. Look at the time.

I'm so disappointed that I
can't spend all day with you

before you rush off
to your principality.

You know, Blair,
I feel just the same,

which is why I moved our
flight to this evening.

We now have all afternoon
to share our secrets

like real sisters,
and I want to know them all.

Mm. I can't wait.

Now if you'll excuse me.

But nothing's worse

than company that
overstays their welcome.

Good luck, B.

Have fun being
the hostess with the mostess.

I get working for this
producer's a huge opportunity,

but what about Columbia?

Well, I'm taking the semester off,

and I'll see how
things go after that.

My only issue is living with Cece.

Last night, at 2:00 A.M.,
her bridge game turned brutal.

A neighbor even came and complained.

Well, I'm sure your real estate agent

will find you a great place.

Well, hopefully near you.

In fact, why don't I have her
just meet us at your place?

It's a bad idea.
My roommate barely lets me in most days.

And he's kind of Howard Hughes-ish.

Hey, I was just about to call you.

I'm gonna need to see 2-bedroom
apartments instead of one.

Okay, great. Thank you.

No, my place is fine.

No, it's not negotiable. This is L.A.

Rhodes girls have to live together.

It's tradition.

Come on. Let's go.

Hey, Chuck.

Ignore him. He's not with me.

Oh, hey, hey,
do I need to call the cops?

This isn't what we signed up for.
We're outta here.

Just...

I expect a full refund.

What are you doing? You okay?

I was until you arrived.

Uh, you don't...you don't
look all right there.

No, no, I have the address.

I just need her name, okay?

Th-then why are you
called "information," huh?

I'm not Serena, Humphrey.
I didn't need saving.

Hey. I thought you were
still in the Hamptons.

I'd ask you how your summer's going,

but seeing you with Chuck,

I guess the answer
is probably "weird."

Oh, it gets weirder.
I found him paying

some really rough dudes
to... to fight him.

He wasn't forthcoming
with the details, but I...

I would imagine it's
some new bass-type scheme

to get Blair's attention.

Well, he said he was okay
about her all summer.

Or maybe it's finally hitting
him now that we're back.

I think something else
might have hit him, too.

He was already pretty
bruised when I got there.

I think he might
need to see a doctor.

Yeah? Well, my mom has this
concierge doc she could send,

but calling her means
I'd have to decide

which internship I want.

Well, I could stick around
and talk it through with you.

I was also kinda hoping to
get some help from Chuck

on something anyway.

Hey, I'm gonna call a doctor,

have him check out
your bruises, okay?

Excellent.

Listen, I'll just, uh, call you

when the doctor leaves.
How about that?

All right.

Well, what do you say
to a little shopping

for all your pre-wedding events?

Yes. I was thinking Wu
for my welcome parade...

short but regal.

And Alaia would put Charlene
and her swimmer's body

to shame at Albert's ball.

Hmm. Those will never do.

Why? They only use children
to sew the beading.

You cannot have bare shoulders,
exposed knees,

anything form-fitting.

Too much skin borders on Bruni.

I-I-I don't understand.
How am I to become an icon of...

Style and taste if I
can only wear a burka?

I'm sorry.
The dress code is mandated.

So you get Balmain,
and I get to be Barbara Bush.

How is this possible?

It's one of the many perks of being

the non-reigning sibling.

I'm surprised to hear you say that.

I read the interview you
did for "The Guardian"

when Louis gave up his seat for me,

and you seemed more than
eager to step into that role.

I admit I've always
wished for my mother

to realize she had
two capable children.

But those few days

with the world watching my every move

were too much.

You, however, are much better suited

for the pressures of
royal service than I.

Shall we have a snack?

Ohh. Actually,
I need to find a restroom.

I'm not sure there's
enough closet space.

You're kidding, right?

I didn't think it was possible

for anyone to need
more closets than I do.

I mean, you have a whole
room for your shoes alone.

Yeah. But, you know,
the... the beach traffic

can get really bad,

and that might depress me even more

than my crazy roommate, so...
maybe I should...

Just stay where I am.

So you're gonna give this
place up because of traffic?

Where in L.A.
is Carmeggedon not an issue?

I already have other interest.

If you want it,
you're gonna need to move quickly.

Oh, I can give you a
down payment right now.

Except I forgot my checkbook.

But you have yours.
I-I saw it when your purse fell.

Yeah. But, you know,
I don't think I have enough

to cover two months' rent.

Unless you bought the
Maldives without telling me,

you should have plenty.

Or is this your way of telling me

that you don't wanna live with me?

Of course not.

All I have is an out-of-state check.

No problem.
Just put your local contact information

in the memo.

See? I told you this would work out.

You understand fractured ribs

aren't something to mess around with.

You could end up puncturing a lung.

I told you, they don't hurt.

I have a hard time believing

anyone has that high
a threshold for pain.

Yeah, well,
he's probably just self-medicating.

You should see his medicine cabinet.

Some of that stuff's not
even legal in Mexico.

No, I was just... I was just kidding.

He claimed he couldn't
feel my touching his ribs

during the exam.

If he's taking that many drugs,

someone needs to keep an eye on him

to make sure he doesn't take any more

or do anything other than rest.

His injuries are
bordering on dangerous.

I'll take care of it.

Thank you.

I wish we'd stopped at Saint Honor?.

Doesn't shopping leave you famished?

Well, perhaps buying one lipstick

doesn't build up the same appetite.

Lucky you can eat at your feast.

I'm sorry. Too much coffee.

Give the virgin my regards.

I'll show you to door.

And by door, I mean elevator.

Over there.

I think it's fairly obvious.

Our future princess has
developed a drug problem.

What? No.

Uh, Miss Blair too much control freak

to use mind alter substance,
even to help mood swing.

I admire your loyalty,

but no one uses
les toilettes so often

unless they have something to hide.

Louis deserves to know what it is.

I swear, Miss Blair just...

Have sensitive stomach.

Of course.

I knew I recognized
that faint acrid smell

from boarding school.

The pale skin. Not eating in public.

Blair's obviously bulimic.

Yes.

No. I...

I mean, not...not anymore.

Only teenage habit of
using restroom die hard.

But Miss Blair digest everything now.

I go make...
tuna melts for both of you.

Louis? We need to speak right away.

Hey!

What are you doing in New York,
at my house?

Leaving, by the look of it.

Whoa, were you trying to find me?

Oh, this is fantastic.

I haven't been able to stop
thinking about you either.

Can't believe you
actually tracked me down.

Oh, that is borderline adorable,

but I wasn't here to see you.

As of recently,
I own "The New York Spectator,"

and I wanted to interview your mother

for my inaugural article

on the disgraced wives
of dirty businessmen,

but she not-so-politely declined.

Okay, wait,
even if this is a coincidence,

it's a pretty damn good one.

All right? I was here just to
discuss job offers with my mom,

but I would much rather take you out.

Oh, we had fun, Nate,

but I need more than just
stamina to keep me interested.

Nice seeing ya.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

Will you at least tell me your name?

What's so important it couldn't wait

until our 7-hour flight tonight?

Your fiancee is bulimic.

Is that all?

Bulimia is a serious disease.

Blair told me all about
her teenage struggles.

It's in her past.

Past hour. She's not well, Louis.

Or she needs an escape from a
shopping trip full of rules.

She told me about that, too.

I was just trying to prepare her
for the pressures of your life.

The stress will be the worst thing

for her condition,

all so you can claim
a title we both know

you don't even care about.

You know I'll do whatever I have to

to ensure Blair's well-being.

But believe me, she's doing great.

There's nothing to worry about.

You never did understand
la psychologie des femmes.

I guess I will just
have to prove it to you.

Go ahead.

I will prove you wrong.

Hi. Yes.
This is Charlie Rhodes from earlier.

Turns out that Serena and
I have changed our minds

about the apartment,
so if it's okay with you,

I'd like to come back
and get my check.

Miss Rhodes, your check was invalid.

The bank told me it was no good.

I'm sorry?

I gave it back to
Miss Van Der Woodsen

when she brought me a new one.

Maybe you should speak
to her about this.

Saltines only thing
I eat for months with Ana.

Well, that was not the same.

Your people are bred to work
through these conditions

and give birth in a field.

No fields in Krakow.

And I have birthing suite
at Lenox Hill.

Well, I am too exhausted

to even reprimand
your insubordination.

At least she and Prince Louis gone.

You have time to figure out...

don't even let the
word leave your lips.

You never know who could be lurking.

Blair?

Louis.

Darling.

Ah, I was just about to take a nap

because I was so exhausted
from that shopping trip.

So romantic of you to come
and say a final good-bye.

Beatrice didn't want you to miss
your first Monegasque holiday.

And that is so kind.

I'm sure the virgin will understand

that I'm too busy to be away.

Which is why I had our priest
arrange to celebrate here

in New York.

He's already spoken
to the local church.

I hope you're hungry.

It's called the feast
for a very good reason.

Let's hope B's first
feast of assumption

doesn't end in damnation.

Back again? What don't you get?

Unlike Serena,
when I rejected you, I meant it.

Nate asked me to keep an
eye on you while he was out.

And while I'm here, I was wondering

if you could help me with something.

The answer is no.

And what did you do
when the doctor said

you're not supposed to go out?

Well, if you're willing
to fight me over it,

we could strike a deal.

Well, that kinda defeats
the purpose of making sure

you don't get hurt.

There isn't a chance in
hell you could hurt me.

Chuck, I know you saw the blast

about Blair and Louis
going to the event tonight.

It's not worth puncturing a
lung to get her attention.

Blair's attention is the
last thing on my mind.

Come on, man.
You do something dangerous.

"Gossip Girl" reports it.
Blair comes to your rescue.

Some might call that a pattern.

Humphrey,
you know nothing about our situation.

Well, I do know that
Blair is over you.

You weren't even the last one
to kiss her before Louis. I was.

While her lips may
have brushed yours,

the last person she was
with before she left was me.

I'm referring to full
carnal knowledge.

A kiss is just a kiss.

That hurt? Wish I could feel it.

Poor lonely boy,

even on the outer boroughs of love.

Excuse me, ma'am,

I think you were fired
from this establishment.

I want to go to Portland.

If this is about your audition,

you can't let one bad experience
make you give up on your dreams.

My dreams will never come
true if we stay here,

but yours could if we leave.

I thought about it,
and you were right.

Let's go before we're
forced to leave.

Okay, if you're sure.

I'll tell the manager when
she gets back from break.

Hey, this is gonna be good.

I can feel it.
We'll be like Bonnie and Clyde.

Without the killing and
robbing and car chases.

I'm gonna go home and pack.

Okay.

I must have gained
10 pounds last year.

It's so delicious.

Louis.

Mon p?re.

I am sorry we missed you at
Cap d'Antibes this summer.

Well, your missionary
work is more important.

Blair, this is Father Cavalia,
the man who will marry us.

Bonjour.

How wonderful. Well, I'm so sorry

you can't be in your own
church on this devout day.

Perhaps if you got on the plane
right now, you could make it?

Don't be silly.

This way,
I have a chance to get to know you

away from all my duties.

Did you enjoy a religious upbringing,
Miss Waldorf?

My family's of mixed faith,

but I've always
appreciated a confessional.

In fact,
I'm gonna go find one right now.

As you know,
the confessionnal is not available

during a celebration.

Ah. G?nial.

Have you ever tried a Barbagiuan?

Mmm, my favorite.

It's filled with pumpkin and spices

and butter.

Mmm, mmm.

It's delicious.

- Alors, je vous laisse, ? plus tard.
- ? plus tard.

I can't help it. I love those.

Je vous salue, Marie.

Surely the virgin
mother can show mercy

to those on earth still suffering

while she rises to heaven.

I-if you'll excuse me,

I see a lost soul
in need of guidance.

Thank you. I will never question

the paternity of your child again.

I told you. She can't even keep
down one bite of Barbagiuan.

You're starting to sound like mother.

But unlike her, who doesn't
care about anyone but herself,

I'm trying to save your fianc?e.
Why aren't you?

Blair, hey, listen,
I know you don't wanna see me right now,

probably not ever,
but I'm not here to cause problems.

I can't say the same about Chuck.
Have you seen him?

Walk with me.

Well, thanks for coming back,
Diana Payne.

Ah, you found the card
I left for your mother.

Please tell me it
was her who texted me

to come back here and not you.

Oh, she's right inside.

So why are we out here?

Her text said she'd relented
and agreed to talk to me

for my "Spectator" article.

She did.
There are just a few final details

that need to be worked out first.

I know. She has a concern

that I'm turning the "Spectator"
into a tabloid,

but I'm very happy to
give her story approval.

Wait, wait, wait. What about me?

I mean, I am the one who convinced her,
after all.

I mean, don't you think

there should be some sort of,
you know, finder's fee?

Are you trying to trade

my interview with
your mother for sex?

Well, I would've called it a date,
but yeah, basically.

How do I know your
mother's really inside?

Well, you can watch me open the door

and tell her that we'll
be back in an hour.

What makes you think
we need that long?

Stamina.

Serena.

What are you doing here?

I got your address off the
check that the realtor gave me.

I'm sorry. I...

Was a flake and forgot
to look at my balance.

Okay, but you can just stop.
I know what really happened.

Out. The princess needs privacy.

My security detail
will escort any of you

who are not willing
to go out on your own.

Security detail?

What's going on?
Blair, I thought you were mad at me.

And you have my forgiveness

if you shut up and guard the door.

It's not like you to forgive me

or run away from a feast.

Might this have something to do
with you sleeping with Chuck?

How in the world did you know that?
Forget it.

I don't even have time to care.

What don't you understand
about "guard the door"?

I can't believe that I
thought you changed last year,

and since you didn't,
Chuck is now going off the deep end

trying to get your attention again.

No, now that's where you're wrong.

Whatever he's doing isn't about me.

He was the one who
told me to marry Louis,

and he meant it.

Now you're gonna be
sorry you didn't guard.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you gonna go with me in here?

I'm not sure our
friendship can handle that.

"Friendship" is a tenuous term.

Now be a gentleman and...
run the water.

Uh, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to leave.

The Princess is getting sick.

Of course she is.
I'll bring her fianc? right away.

I forgive you. Are you happy?

No. I'm worried.

Are you bulimic again?

No!

I was just sick of listening
to your inane questions.

Now I need to say a
prayer for tolerance

and get out there.

Eating disorders can return
when people are stressed.

Clearly, Chuck is not the
only one freaking out here.

The only thing freaking me out

is that Louis' sister
might notice I'm gone

and get suspicious.

Why would you worry about
her being suspicious

if you weren't bulimic?

Blair, this isn't a joke.
We are not leaving this room

until you agree to get help.

I don't need help.

I'm not bulimic. I'm pregnant.

While one mother's life
leads her to heaven,

another's is going straight to hell

in a Moses basket.

Beatrice?

You have to understand.

It's still so early.

I didn't wanna get Louis' hopes up

if things weren't okay.
I was gonna tell him.

What were you going to tell me?

About her wonderful idea, Louis.

I have so many.

You know, the one

about inviting the
homeless into our meal.

To dine with us?

You're too modest.

I was telling Blair about
our missionary work,

and she suggested we share our meal

with those less fortunate.
I think it's wonderful.

Of course.

Yes, not to have them eat with us

but to serve them the food,

like in a soup kitchen,
with gloves on.

It's a wonderful idea.

Spotted...Chuck on the
wrong side of town.

Looks like Bassman doesn't
have enough of a dark side.

He has to take a walk on one, too.

Um... I should go.

You promise you won't say anything?

Yes, but you can't hide this forever.

I think you were right
about her, Louis.

She'll make a perfect princess.

And... you the perfect sister-in-law.

You know, I swear,
I just took that checkbook

in case of an emergency.

I didn't wanna use it.

Well, why not? It belongs to you.

It does?

Yeah, your mom can't cut you off
just because you leave Florida.

That's not fair.
I was actually gonna call her,

but I was waiting till you got back.

I don't wanna involve her.

I'm the one who told her
I wanted to make it on my own.

Besides, if she knows where I am,

then she's just gonna
try to make me come back.

That's true.

But you can't live... here.

You have to come live with me.

I'd love to, but I can't afford it.

You can once grandma calls the
bank and makes it impossible

for your mom to cut you off again.

I don't think that
that's such a good idea.

I don't wanna make her any more mad.

Well, she'll never find out.
Look, I explained to Cece

how bad being around
your mom is for you,

and she doesn't wanna deal
with Carol's wrath either,

so she won't tell.

I don't know what to say.

I can't believe that you
would do this for me.

You can show your
gratitude by packing.

I have to go meet my boss,

but I'll come pick you up after.

We Rhodes girls need
to stick together.

Get him up!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Again?

Guys, come on. You can't...

Hey!
I'm not part of his payment plan.

Sorry. Mr. Bass said

nothing should stop us
except his safe word.

This is serious. He could die.

"Though this be madness,
yet there is some method in't."

Guess that wasn't the safe word.

Chuck. Chuck, tell 'em to stop.

Okay. Fine. Stop.

Let's go.

"Stop"? Really? That's it?

I wasn't trying to kill myself.

Then what the hell were you doing?

I was hoping it would hurt.

What, to--to dull the
pain of losing Blair?

That's what you don't understand.

I feel nothing when
I see her and Louis

or when I jump off a building

or when I crash a motorcycle.

Even you don't irritate me.

Well, having these guys beat you up

is not the way to try
to feel something.

You...you could have died.

Is being dead that much
worse than being nothing?

I still don't know how you
got your mother to agree

after she slammed
the door in my face.

I just told her

it was her chance to tell
her side of the story

and move on with her life.

And that it made her seem
classier than Ruth Madoff.

Clever. That's all it took?

Well, I had to let her
decide on my internship...

Goldman or Schumer.

Why do either?

Well, like I said in L.A,
I need to figure out my future,

and, you know, both are great options

other people would kill for.

How about working for me instead?

I'm not a journalist.

I'm not looking for you to be one.

The newspaper is just the cornerstone

of what I hope is gonna
be a new media empire.

Someone with your persuasive skills

could be great at sales or marketing.

Once you know how to
control information,

you can do anything with it... politics,
banking, whatever.

While that sounds great,

I would have to get my
family to approve me

pulling out of this other thing.

Well, just remind them what
"George" did for J.F.K. Jr.

See you at the office next week.

Watch out, Nate.

Looks like sex play may not be
the only game you're a pawn in.

So it looks like something
called a conversion disorder.

People become blind,
paralyzed, or unable to feel

after experiencing a
psychological trauma,

I.E., Blair leaving you forever.

It's a little like P.T.S.D.

If you say so.

You should see someone.

Treatment involves trying to
make the patient feel again.

That's what I was doing
before you showed up.

Well, how about instead of pain,
you try to feel good things?

I could tickle you.

I'd rather hire someone
else to do that,

thank you,
but it wouldn't work either.

Why don't we discuss why you
needed my help before instead?

Um... I wrote a novel.

It was something I was
working on for a while.

No one was supposed to see it,
but then Vanessa found it

and sent it to a publisher,
so I need to find out which one

so I can, uh,
I can stop it from coming out.

Forgive me for stating the obvious,

but isn't being published
a writer's goal?

Not for this book.
It's... it's a scathing social satire

about everyone I know, including you.

Return of Charlie Trout.

Hmm. I need to get into
Vanessa's bank account

so I can see who's
making the deposits

before anyone sees what I wrote.

Well, just because I
can't feel anything

shouldn't mean everyone else
has to endure a humiliation.

I'll help you.

Hi.

So Jason said we could crash
with him and his roommates

until we find our own place.

Max...

What's going on?

I don't think I can go.

What are you talking about?
It'll be great.

I even got us onion-flavored
snacks for the road.

And these things.

What changed?

Remember what you said.

This isn't giving up on our dreams.

It's just making them
happen in a different place.

I'm sorry.

I just realized that

what's making
me unhappy in L.A. isn't L.A.

It's you.

Where is this coming from?
I love you.

I'm sorry.
I wish I could explain better,

but I can't.

Just... be happy

and... know that I
never meant to hurt you.

How well do any of us
really know each other?

Even families have their secrets.

We were so close.
I could even see my mother's face

as Louis gave away his title
because his fianc?e was bulimic.

She would have never forgiven him.

It would have been perfect.

Why not just tell
her Blair's pregnant?

Please.
Nothing would make her happier

than a grandchild by Golden boy.

I just have to find
another way to get Louis

out of Monaco for good so
my mother will finally see

I was the right choice all along.

Vengeance becomes you.

Thank you.

So how did your crazy
roommate take it?

It wasn't easy, but he'll be fine.

Well, maybe you should
get further from him

than just Santa Monica.

I'm sure it's okay.

Unless you found us a
different apartment.

Mm, how about one
on the Upper East Side?

What are you talking about?

Well, turns out my boss was only in L.A.
for the movie.

So my meeting was about
transferring her back

to her New York office,
and I want you to come with me.

Last time didn't work out so well.

Well, this time,
you won't have your mom to worry about,

and you'll have your trust
fund and your family.

Cece wants us to stay with her
in Montecito until we leave,

and her house is huge.

You would love it. Please.
All you have to do is say yes.

Why not?

I think I'm done here.

They say blood is thicker than water.

But it's also a lot harder
to clean up when it spills.

If I'd known any better,

I'd think you're starting
to like Brooklyn.

It isn't Brooklyn I'm here for.

You're the only person I can have

a furtive, emotionally loaded
conversation with right now.

How's Chuck?

Uh, he's... okay. Sort of.
Long Freudian story.

How are you?

Pregnant.

That makes it sound more real.

I had hoped denial would last
longer as a coping mechanism,

but breast tenderness
and morning sickness

made that impossible.

You know, you do have options.

And I've considered them all,

but no matter what,
this baby was conceived out of love,

and... I'm gonna keep it.

Have you not told Louis
because it might be Chuck's?

I only slept with him once.

I slept with Louis a hundred times.

He may be mild-mannered,
but he's surprisingly virile.

So by the sheer law of probability,

it must be his.

Well, except the
definition of "probability"

is "strong likelihood" not,
uh, "known fact"

haven't you read
"The Power of Positive Thinking"?

Put your giant intellect
aside and just focus with me

on wish fulfillment.

This is not that kind of situation.

Even Blair Waldorf cannot bend D.N.A.
to her will.

I am about to marry a fabulous man...

Who happens to be a prince.

I can't be this close to
having all my dreams come true

only to have them yanked
away by one transgression

at a stranger's Bar Mitzvah.

Look, I know it's scary,

but I think you should
know who the father is,

if not for yourself,
then for the baby.

Sync by zzattack
Correction by Mlmlte

And what if I lose everything?

You'll still have me.

Maybe it's not blood bonds
that make us a family.

Perhaps it's the people
who know our secrets

and love us anyway,
so we can finally be ourselves.

X.O.X.O. Gossip Girl.