Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 5, Episode 12 - Father and the Bride - full transcript

Gossip Girl here,
your one and only source...

... into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

You're the one I never wanna leave.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, but you lost the baby.

This is just the culmination of years
of damage.

- So, what do you wanna do?
- I wanna take Gossip Girl down for good.

I'll do anything. Let him live.

I promise I'll keep my vow
to marry Louis.

Chuck Bass is asking for you.

Blair, it's good to see you. And you, Dan.



Thank you, Father Smythe.

I swear to you
we are not having an affair.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Having a relationship with me.

Blair got in the wrong car. The car that
crashed was the one ordered for me.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.

Where has she been?

And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

... Gossip Girl.

Hey, Upper East Sider.

It's me, Gossip Girl.

I'm hoping you're interested
in some quid pro quo...

... because we both have something
to prove.



You look like hell.

I assume you didn't find anything.

I've reread every piece in The Spectator
since I started.

Unless Christina Aguilera is mad...

...about our "Baby Bump
or Mexican Lunch?" article...

...I really don't think there's anything
here worth hurting me over.

- Gossip Girl didn't offer to help?
- Only if I help her.

Whatever that means.

Sometimes, to get your needs met,
you need to choose an unsavory partner.

That might work for you on
the Lower East Side, but it's Gossip Girl.

It's been nice
not having her record our every move.

Maybe for you, but without her,
I have no idea what Blair is up to.

You still don't know why
she won't talk to you?

Before the accident,
she was ready to run away with me...

...and spend the rest
of our lives together.

Now she won't even take my call.

- I have to know why.
- So, what's your next move?

If she won't give me my answer,
I'll find it myself.

Now if you'll excuse me, Blair should be
wrapping up her breakfast with Beatrice.

- I have her doorman on retainer.
- Careful. There's a fine line...

...between surveillance and stalking.
- Getting caught, which I don't plan on.

If you want to catch someone,
you know what to do.

I hope you don't mind the imposition.

Not at all.
With Louis at his bachelor party...

...it's a comfort to have a Grimaldi
by my side.

And your kindness while I recuperated
was very much appreciated.

I wish it wasn't something so sad
that brought us together.

But now we get to focus on happier
things, like your wedding next week.

- How can I help?
- You can get yourself to Vera Wang's...

...to try on your bridesmaid dress.
- Really?

We all make mistakes...

...but I would be happy to have you
stand with me next Saturday.

- I feel so honored.
- So hustle to Vera's.

My bachelorette party is tonight,
and you need to be free at 5.

A real American bachelorette party?
I've only seen those in movies.

Sorry to disappoint,
but this won't be "It" Girls Gone Wild.

Serena has planned an elegant
and intimate party.

Dinner at Le Charlot,
then the Tiffany suite at St. Regis...

...for Kir Royales
and Kiki De Montparnasse.

Even without the male strippers
and a penis cake, I cannot wait.

Wonderful.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I don't want to be late for Father Smythe.

This fake relationship is costing money.

I know Blair asked us to stay together...

...to keep Louis from getting suspicious,
but coffee in Brooklyn is half the price.

If you want the
world to think you're doing something...

...you have to do it
on Madison Avenue.

And $8 cappuccinos
are the price you pay.

What time do we have to be
at The Spectator?

Uh, we're doing it outside my office.
Nate bought cab ads...

...and thought it would be fun
to be photographed in one...

...just as my blog launches at 10.

Oh, that's pretty cool.
What did you end up writing about?

About how my relationships suffered
under the microscope of Gossip Girl.

And now with her gone,
how they're flourishing.

Yeah, or fake flourishing.

But wow. Taking down Gossip Girl,
that's a pretty risky move.

I wasn't sure I wanted to take her on
so directly...

...but then Nate
made a really good case...

...and now I can't imagine
having written about anything else.

You're kind of
the focal point of my first piece.

Well, as long as it helps your career
and Blair's future, I'm on board.

And the publicity certainly didn't hurt.

Simon & Schuster moved up
the meeting for my second book.

Wow, see? A second book,
and my column launching?

Doesn't seem like fake anything to me.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I pressed the close button on an elevator
when I saw a woman running to catch it.

Why did you do that?

It was a long ride down to the lobby,
and she was wearing too much perfume.

Diddy called it "Unforgivable"
for a reason.

Technically, that's not a sin, but okay.
What else, my child?

My dreams at night...

Yes, my child?

May not be about the man
I'm going to marry.

Go on.

I love Louis, I do,
but I fear the devil on my shoulder.

- Which devil is that?
- Chuck Bass, of course.

I know I need to honor my pact
with God to protect him...

...but I'm growing weak.

I'm afraid I might break.

Father Smythe,
you are the only one...

...who can keep me on the straight
and narrow.

As long as Monaco
must have a royal priest...

...I want it to be you
instead of that horrid Cavalia.

Cavalia isn't that bad, is he?

While I'm loath to discredit
any man of the cloth...

...he's the biggest snake in Christendom
since the one that bit Eve.

To have you as my royal advisor
will mean...

...that you can be with me at all times.

You'll find strength in prayer.
Five "Hail Mary's" and a "Glory Be."

Thank you, Father.

Today's Spectator
is ready to be uploaded...

...and the photographer's downstairs
to cover the debut of Serena's column.

Oh, just give me five minutes.
I need to do something first.

Nathaniel.

Hey, Chuck, can you hear me?

Why do I hear bells?

Blair was inside a church
for half an hour.

Please tell me
you didn't follow her inside.

Of course not. Didn't wanna risk blowing
my cover or bursting into flames.

- What's going on?
- Well, I just sent it to you.

- Who is that?
- It's Charlie Rhodes' ex, Max.

- The one who tried blackmailing her?
- Yeah. This was the night of the accident.

He's leaving the Empire
with an envelope of cash.

- Do you think Gossip Girl knows more?
- Wouldn't be the first time.

I'll have security pull footage
from the party...

...see if there's something we missed.
- Sounds good.

Is it true Blair plans to replace you
as soon as she's princess?

It is. But it doesn't matter.

Because she's never going
to become princess.

You will see to that.

Yeah, I don't know if our plan
is going to work.

Blair's bachelorette party seems like
it's going to be a very staid affair.

Not if you're there.

And there will be liquor, no?

See that she drinks a lot of it.

You're not going back on me now,
are you?

Beatrice, Blair is still in love with Chuck.
She just confessed it to me.

If we don't stop your brother's marriage,
I will lose my position in the royal court.

And you will lose me as well.

Is that really what you want?

What do you want me to do?

Help Louis to see the truth
about Blair.

Get her drunk and alone
with Chuck Bass.

And then we will show the world
where her true heart lies.

- Dad, Lily, what are you doing here?
- Serena asked us to come.

- I'm sorry, I was just so excited.
- Of course.

It's not every day you get to see
your face on a cab.

- Serena.
- Serena, Lily, over here.

Oh, not yet.
We're waiting for one of the cabs.

I wonder where Nate is. It's almost 10.
He would not miss this.

This is just as much his moment
as mine.

- I'm sure he'll be out in a minute.
- Ah, there's one. Taxi.

Ten on the button.

- This is fabulous.
- Let's see that column.

I'm on it.

Here we go.

Serena, hold it up. Yeah, right next
to your face. That's great. Thanks.

Nice, smile.

Ask a question.

But there's... It's just blank.

Well, that's... That's weird, uh...

Maybe there's a delay or something.

What are we supposed to do?

What's happening?

Everything okay?

I hope so.

Just put that up there, make it color.

"This page no longer exists"?

I had to postpone the launch.
I'm sorry.

I'm confused because
this whole column was your idea.

If you're rethinking it now,
let me know.

No, it's just not the right time.
Marketing said awareness was too low.

Maybe after the cabs make
more laps around the city.

You swear that's what this is about?
A marketing strategy.

You'll be the first to know
when I decide we're ready. I promise.

Okay.

So you think I'm ready for the pitch?

I know some of my ideas
are a little esoteric.

No... No, your ideas are brilliant.

Obviously you light up...

- Ha, ha.
...every room that you walk into.

Hmm. But?
I sense there's a "but" coming.

Oh, you may not like what I'm gonna say.
It's personal.

- Is it my shirt? It's my shirt, right?
- No.

It's Serena.

You're a brilliant writer
with incredible creative range...

...but I worry that the publicity
you are getting...

...is distracting people
from your real talent.

See, I want Simon & Schuster to see you
as the next Jennifer Egan...

...or Chad Harbach.

And I worry that if they see you
as Serena's boyfriend again...

They're just gonna want me
to write a sequel to Inside again.

I'm sorry. I know it's not
my place to say anything.

No, I'm glad you did because Serena
is about to launch this new column.

Uh, the cover story is all about us. I need
to call her and tell her not to right now.

Hold on.

- Hello.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Listen, I got a question for you.

When your column launches,
do you think you could leave out...

...uh, the parts that focus on
our present-day relationship?

Why, what's going on?

Well, my agent seems to think
that I'll have a better chance...

...of writing something that isn't about
the Upper East Side...

...if I'm not so connected to you
in the press, uh, right now.

- I know that sounds kind of bad.
- Yeah. It did.

Don't worry about it. My column
has been put on hold indefinitely.

Oh, good. Oh, that's great.
No, that's not good for you.

- I'm sorry about that.
- No, it's fine.

If Nate ever does decide to run it...

...I'll make sure all the references
are in the past.

We can keep up appearances.
I just think no more Madison Avenue.

I'm sure your wallet
will be happy to hear that.

Ha, ha, thank you, Serena.
I really appreciate it.

Yeah. Bye.

Thanks for keeping me company.

I told Serena
I wanted to handpick macaroons.

Besides, I wouldn't mind an orange
blossom to tide me over.

Of course. I love Ladur?e.

Although I can go there any time I like
in Paris.

You can never have
too many macaroons.

You joke, but you might want to lick
cr?me fra?che off a stripper...

...or take a pole-dancing class
while you still can.

What's the point in deviating
from the royal path, even for one night?

My life is what it is.

Might as well get used to it now.

Mm.

What are you doing here?

And don't say shopping for velour
track pants. You're following me.

I'm not going to leave until you tell me
why you turned your back on me.

I told you everything there is to say.

- Lurking in doorways won't help.
- Sooner or later you're going to crack.

You always do.

Whether it's at Le Charlot at 7,
or Doubles at 9.

Or the Tiffany Suite
at the St. Regis at 11.

Maybe it's a good idea
to cut loose tonight.

Far away from any place
Chuck Bass can find me.

Leave everything to me.

Is Nate in?

Uh, he's in Graphics,
but should be back any second.

I just want to talk to him.
I'll wait inside.

Okay, well, maybe you should...

Turns out Nate's gonna be
longer than I thought. Hey.

Wait, what are you doing?

Nate killed my column
because Gossip Girl told him to.

- You can't do that.
- No, watch me.

So, Dan, what are you thinking
for book number two? We're all ears.

Um, you know, there are a couple of worlds
I'm drawn to right now.

One of them is a modern Western.

Uh, but it's like, uh, a Henry IV
kind of structure, revived.

So there's the Falstaff thing,
all your friends addicted to revelry...

...of the West, you know, so it's set
on a cattle range during Reconstruction.

Uh, smart, but I worry that, uh,
Westerns are a little played out.

- Uh, how about something more modern?
- He has another idea.

- It's set in Manhattan.
- Keep going.

Yeah, um, it's, uh, basically like
a hundred years from today.

- It's the future?
- No, it's the near future.

- Yeah, I mean, I know it's a risk.
- Can I hit pause?

Your fans are crying out
for a sequel to Inside.

And frankly, so's your publisher.

I don't know who's interested
in hearing that story anymore.

Your girlfriend Serena's article
about you two went up...

...less than an hour ago and there are
already over a thousand comments.

Um...

Yeah, I mean, I was really hoping
to stretch on this one.

Then take a yoga class.

- Heh.
- That's good.

But, uh, write what you know.

And keep on dating Serena,
at least until the next book comes out.

It's great press.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah.

You're fired.

Are you kidding?

You went behind my back
and launched your column.

- We weren't ready.
- We weren't or Gossip Girl wasn't?

I saw her e-mail. Look, I know
you've been secretly working with her.

Or for her. Either way, I don't care.
It means you're a hypocrite.

- Did you even read the e-mail?
- Which one?

The last one, where she said
my own cousin sabotaged my car.

Tripp? Heh, you realize you're even crazier
than Gossip Girl.

Well, her information seems reliable.
She's got photos.

Oh, yeah, because no gossip site
has ever faked a photo before.

She would do anything
to save her reputation now.

Nate, what's happened to you?
When did you stop being able to tell...

...the difference between your friends
and your enemies?

- Serena, wait.
- No, you fired me.

I don't have to listen.
And you know what?

Someone should tell Tripp
that his cousin is trying...

...to frame him for a crime
he didn't commit.

Okay. So we shall have plenty of
alcohol and many phallic party favors.

Uh, the most important thing
is that we steer clear of any place...

Chuck Bass might find you?
I understand.

We're going to have so much fun.

I even got a few party games
I saw girls play on channel VH1.

Oddly, it sounds perfect.

It will be a night you will never forget.

There was no need to come up. I told
the desk we're fine with our Gideons.

I'm not here to sell you anything.
God's advice is free.

- Father Cavalia, of Monaco.
- Heh.

The Grimaldis' spiritual flack.

What could you possibly want
with me?

I received a call from Princess Beatrice
this morning.

She is concerned about her brother's
pending marriage to Blair Waldorf.

And you think I might be the answer
to her prayers?

Perhaps.

I know you're on your way
to the St. Regis...

...to interrupt Miss Waldorf's party.

So I thought you would like to know
that the party's been moved.

What happened
to "thou shalt not steal"?

This is not a time to be cavalier.
The woman you love...

...is about to marry another man.
- I am quite aware.

And thank you for your sympathies.
But tell me, Father, what is your angle?

This is what is known
as divine intervention, Monsieur Bass.

I'd accept it if I were you.

I'd have to speak with Blair
in private.

I'm not sure even you could
perform that miracle alone.

Heh. Who said I'm working alone?

After all,
I've got a higher power by my side.

Let's go.

I'm sexy and I know it

I have never been so happy to be
surrounded by bridge-and-tunnel types.

- You should have worn an actual tiara.
- Whoo!

Are you kidding? Someone would have
fist-pumped it off her head.

Ooh, shots, now.

- So who's ready for the first party game?
- I am.

Beatrice came up with a great plan.
Match the ex with the act.

Remember how we made you write
down all the scandalous acts...

...your exes committed?

Beatrice now holds the questions and
the answers, and will read each one.

- If no one can name the right ex...
- We take a shot.

But if we guess correctly,
you take a shot.

Well, I hope you ladies
have the urge to purge...

...because those secrets
not even Serena knows.

Wait, where is Serena?

Ah, oh, my God. I forgot to call her
with the change in plans.

Oh, let me call her now.

Hey, B, I'm on my way.

No, there's a change in location.
We're at Panchito's.

Sorry, my phone must be messed up.
I thought you said Panchito's.

Beatrice forgot to call and tell you.

Beatrice doesn't seem like the kind
who forgets anything.

She's changed, I promise.

But what are we doing talking
about this? Get in a cab immediately.

No, I'm still at the apartment.

I have to finish something,
but, um, I'll be there soon.

And please, don't drink too many frozen
margaritas before I get there. Bye.

Everybody's waiting.

- Let's start drinking.
- Ha, ha.

Hey, Tripp.
I'm glad you decided to come.

Ah, thanks for calling. I saw your fight
with Nate on Gossip Girl.

I know you have no reason
to take my side in anything.

But I really appreciate
you standing up for me.

I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing it because it's the right thing.

I just don't know
what Nate was thinking.

Next question.
What is Lord Marcus' favorite song?

Ooh, ooh, I know.
"Where Do Broken Hearts Go?"

- How did you know that?
- Lucky guess.

There have been
a lot of lucky guesses.

Okay.

Question number four:
Who once wore Blair's underwear...

...to dinner at Picholine?
- Uh-uh, oh.

Bottoms up, ladies.

No one knows the answer to that one.

I never told a single soul about that.

I don't even think
I wrote it in my diary.

Carter Baizen.

Correct, heh.

This game is kicking my ass.

And we gonna make you lose your mind

We just wanna see ya

Shake that

Drink!

In the club party rock
Lookin'for your girl? She on my jock

Booty movin' weight like she on the block

Where the drink? I gots to know
Tight jeans, tattoo 'cause I'm rock 'n'roll

Shufflin', shufflin'

Ha, ha. What's so funny?

Serena's column.
I gotta hand it to her. It's great.

I'm not the only one that thinks so.

I know. The whole city's reading it,
over 1000 comments.

Is that bad thing?

Well, for me. Kind of.

I had my, uh, pitch meeting this afternoon
with my editor...

...and now that Serena and I
are back on...

...he's completely focused on me
writing a sequel to Inside.

So that's great. You guys are the new
hot couple. You should enjoy it.

Ha, ha, we're not dating. We're faking it
to protect Blair's engagement.

Okay, I'm not even gonna
ask you to fill me in.

Instead I'm just gonna assume
there's a long, royal explanation.

You know me well, and Blair.

As long as it seems like
Serena and I are together...

...my editor's not gonna
let me write a novel I care about.

Well, uh, sacrificing your career
for the people you love I understand.

But sacrificing it for fake love,
I think it's counterintuitive.

Which is why I have to find Serena.
Have you seen her?

Tonight's Blair's bachelorette party.
I'm sure she's there.

I've already crashed
her bridal shower.

I'm sure it won't matter if I barge in
on another pre-wedding event.

Ha, ha, oh, tell Serena I'm a fan.

Now, since, ahem, I'm not sober...

...heh, I'm gonna tell you
what I really think about tonight.

- I'm having the best time.
- Oh, I'm so glad.

But I had my doubts about you.

You are almost as schemey as me.

But we are cut from the same cloth.

Overbearing mother, absent father...

...the weight of a thousand expectations.

You're right.

I always am.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Anything.

Why are you marrying my brother when
I know you're not in love with him?

I do love him.

There might be some loves
that seem bigger than others...

...or more complicated,
or harder to let go of.

But there's a reason
they're not meant to be.

- You cannot choose who you love.
- But you can choose how you love them.

And there are some people you can
only love by not being with them.

Okay, I'll get you some water.
You need to sober up.

Oh, you're so nice and so pretty.

How could Nate ever believe
I'd want to hurt him?

He's the closest thing
I have to a brother.

No, I know. But Nate's not the kid
that you grew up with. He's changed.

Well, so have I. I'm not gonna let him
frame me for a crime I didn't commit.

Well, then we need to kill the story
before he goes public with it.

Uh, how? There's no way
I can prove I didn't do it.

I know. Maybe we can find out
who really did do it.

Is there anyone you can think of
that would want to hurt Nate?

I don't want
to say this out loud, Serena.

But all the way here
I was replaying it in my mind.

- Replaying what?
- The night of the accident.

I heard Maureen call a car
to take her to the Empire.

- If I had known...
- Wait, Maureen?

Are you surprised? After all,
all she's ever cared about was my career.

How my success reflected on her.

When she saw Grandfather
pass me over...

...she decided to protect the thing
that mattered to her most.

I think we've heard enough.

Thank you, Nate.

Don't thank me, thank Serena.
It was her idea.

- What is going on?
- We knew you won't admit to anything...

...so Serena and I staged
that little argument on Gossip Girl.

We figured you'd pin the accident
on someone else...

...like when you left Serena in that car.

Did you think I'd talk to you, never mind
take your side against Nate's?

- You're gonna pin this on Maureen?
- I'm not pinning anything.

It was Maureen.
Oh, why don't we ask her ourselves?

We don't have to.
She has an airtight alibi.

- How do you know?
- The night of the accident...

...she was with me,
consulting a divorce lawyer.

As soon as she hears about this, she's
definitely gonna be through with you.

I have to say, an unexpected choice.

I'll get Blair.

Why don't you wait in the car.

I certainly hope you know
what you're doing.

A priest in a bar? Kinky.

You have no idea.

We'll go this way.
Now tell Beatrice I need air.

I'll be back in a minute. Whoo. Whoo.

- Ah.
- Hey, bridey, got a match?

Two.

And that's the problem.

All right, well, hold this
while I go find one?

Ooh.

Don't mind if I do.

The strippers are here.

Ooh, whoo, whoo.

Excuse me, miss.
Is that ajoint in your mouth?

Why, hello, officer...

...Weiner. Why, yes, it is.
Do you want some?

Okay.

Oh, you're no fun.
Where did Beatrice find you?

No, shh.

Just cut all small talk. Let's find out
if you really are New York's finest.

- Oh, is that a real gun?
- Okay.

Ow! What are you doing?
Is this part of the act?

- Excuse me, officers.
- Back off, kid.

Okay.

No, no, no. Don't you know who I am?

I'm going
to be the Princess of Monaco.

Yeah, and I'm the King
of the Sixth Precinct.

I love you, New York!

Of course you'd be behind this.

- Hey, where's Blair?
- I'm just finishing the paperwork.

You royal bitch!

You paid that girl to give me ajoint,
and tipped off the police.

You wanted to humiliate me
in the eyes of the world! What's next?

Photoshopped nude pics?
A dead body in my bed?

Ooh, she's just making a point.

This was not Beatrice's fault,
it was Chuck's.

Chuck's? Ha. I shook his tail
with a decoy plan.

He's staking out a suite
at the St. Regis.

No, I saw him there
with my own eyes.

Ma belle-soeur,
may we speak privately?

Go ahead. I'll wait for your things.

How you doing?

- Start at the beginning.
- And don't leave anything out.

The day of the accident, I met Max.
He'd followed you from Nate's office...

...and offered to help me
in exchange for money.

We'd just had that argument about
the weekend, Nate taking my place.

I was so angry.

And so I paid him to drain
the brake fluid from the car.

Half before,
and the rest when it was done.

So that explains Gossip Girl's photo
of Max at the Empire.

I met him outside the garage
to give him the rest of the money.

He said he'd done it.
When I double-checked...

...it turns out that he played me.

He took the money and he ran.

So you did it yourself.

I never meant for anything
to happen to Blair.

You wouldn't have cared
if I ended up in a wheelchair?

I never thought it would get that bad.

I thought you'd hit a parked car,
get thrown around, get banged up.

I wanted to ruin your weekend,
not your life.

And I know what you think of me
after what I did to Serena.

And when I saw you rising up
with The Spectator...

...well, we both know there's only a certain
amount of Grandfather's love to go around.

He chose you.

And so I did the only thing
I knew how to.

That's it? That's your answer?
Not enough love?

I raised you to stand
on your own two feet.

No, you raised me
to kneel before yours.

- And now my life is over.
- And that's exactly what you deserve.

Two years ago, you and I
were the ones in the accident.

And you left me, hurt and alone,
and you got off scot free.

But not this time. This time
you are gonna pay for what you did.

And I'm gonna see to it.

- Oh, Blair's been arrested.
- Go. We've got it covered.

You're telling me that when my face
is on "Page Six" tomorrow...

...I'll have nobody to blame
but myself?

Yes. But don't be so sure
about the story getting out.

- Where did you get those?
- I bought them off everyone outside.

Did you get all of them?

If anyone talks,
it'll be just a rumor, no proof.

Oh, I've never been so happy
for the demise of Gossip Girl.

But now, one last thing.

Oh.

Mm.

Mm.

Tripp's in the car. He says he wants
to tell the police himself.

- I'm gonna take him down there now.
- Good.

I want to thank you
for the way you handled things tonight.

And for never believing that I had
anything to do with this heinous crime.

Well, I'm glad
your conscience is clear.

What is that supposed to mean?

You can't possibly blame me
for what happened.

You've pitted us against each other
our entire lives.

Everything's a competition,
and the prize is your approval.

It's the great Vanderbilt tradition.

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way
about your own family.

Diana Payne
would never have given you...

...thatjob at The Spectator
if I hadn't paid her to.

You really think you can make it
on your own?

I don't know.

But it's the only way
it'll mean anything.

I've set up some meetings
with investors.

I'll be making you an offer.

Where is she? What happened?

Oh, she's fine.
They're not pressing charges.

Oh, thank God. You would not believe
what I just came from.

Look, Serena, while we're alone,
there's something I need to say to you.

Are you fake breaking up with me?

Ha, ha. You know how guys say "it's not you,
it's me"? Well, in this case it's my book.

Well, don't worry.
You haven't hurt my fake feelings.

I would never get in the way
of your career.

There you are!

Ugh, is everything okay?
Were you worried about little old me?

B, you smell like a distillery.

I had shots. They were fun.

The first 10, anyway.

I'm sorry I missed the excitement.

I had someone to watch over me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, she's so nice.

- Where's Blair?
- With me.

Can you get her to Chuck's hotel?

No. The plan is finished.

- It's over. And so are we.
- Beatrice, wait.

I don't want to play these games,
to hurt people.

I only want you. But you're never
going to leave the Church.

We both know it. I'm just the only one
brave enough to say it out loud.

Hey.

Hey, I wanted
you to know Blair made it home.

I just tucked her in
and she is out like a light.

Ha, ha, no surprise there.

I never thought I'd see the day
when Blair ate a tequila worm.

I never thought
I would read something...

...by Serena van der Woodsen
that made me laugh out loud.

And even more impressive?

There were no witnesses,
so I'll deny it if asked...

...but, uh, there may have been
a lump in my throat.

Really, a lump?

Don't gloat. But seriously, I mean,
it's surprisingly real...

...for something supposedly fake.

- Well, not all fake.
- No, I know. I mean, we...

We dated for years,
so of course there's history.

Yeah, eh, but...

But what?

I don't... Just...
Whatever, have a good night, okay?

No, what is it? Tell me. We're Dan
and Serena. You can tell me anything.

It must be true
because I read that online.

I have to go. Bye.

- Chuck, you need to leave.
- I don't know what it is...

...you think I did tonight,
but all I care about is her.

Blair's asleep, okay?

And even if she wasn't,
she wouldn't want to see you anyway.

Tell her I came by.

And that I'm not done.

It's one thing I learned from Blair.
You don't give up on the people you love.

Rise and shine, jailbird.

I made you French press.

Oh, no, no, please, please.
I beg you. No light.

Here, you want your coffee?

Uh, stop spinning.

What are those?

Louis' wedding vows. I found them
hidden in my desk last night.

And I was drunk enough to allow myself
a minor ethical transgression.

Blair.

Okay, how were they?

It's like he peered into my soul.

I know Louis loves me, but sometimes
I wonder if he understands me.

But reading this
is exactly what I needed...

...to go into our wedding
sure of my choice.

Can I be a little jealous?

You may.

I can't wait for you to hear them
on Saturday.

And you don't have
to keep up the charade...

...with Humphrey for me any longer.
Louis and I are in a good place now.

Yeah, well, I'm glad everything
worked out like it should've.

I'm gonna go into the office now,
take down my column. It'll help Dan.

- You ready?
- Ready for what?

Miss me, Upper East Siders?

Have you been asking yourselves
if you're better off...

... than you were two months ago?

You've made a grave mistake, Beatrice.

You forget I still have your mother's ear.
And she had no trouble believing...

...you were still trying
to ruin your brother's wedding.

So when I suggested
you might benefit...

...from some missionary work
in East Africa, she agreed.

I'll tell my mother we slept together.
You'll be defrocked.

And whose word
do you think she will accept?

Her scheming daughter?
Or her loyal, loving priest?

You might be able to get rid of me,
but you won't stop the wedding.

Which is why I have found someone
far better equipped to assist me.

That's probably your mother now.

Bon voyage.

- Hey.
- Hey, can you meet for lunch?

I'm on a roll here. What's up?

Ah, well, I talked to Blair this morning...

...and she wants us to stay together
until the wedding.

Just so Louis
doesn't suspect anything.

Would you hate that?

Uh...

I mean, no, no, that's fine,
but only till the wedding, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I know, of course.
You know, um...

But we should probably still go out
to keep appearances up.

Uh, sure. Coffee?

I don't know,
I was thinking, you know...

...dinner could be better.
Or maybe a movie?

Yeah, that's fine by me.
I'll call you later.

Trapped under the weight
of a false accusation...

... I've done a lot of thinking about the
kind of girl I want to be from now on.

I'd like to be the kind who does
what she says she's going to do.

Thank you.

Mr. Bass. Welcome. Right on time.

I have no interest in niceties.
Just tell me what you know.

I know what is
in Blair Waldorf's heart.

If you don't want
this wedding to happen...

...together we can make sure
it doesn't.

She already thinks I'm a villain.

I may as well become one.

You know what they say, talk is cheap.

So if you don't have
anything nice to say...

... maybe you should
just shut your mouth.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.