Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 4, Episode 6 - Easy J - full transcript

GOSSIP GIRL: Gossip Girl here,
your one and only source...

... into the lives
of Manattars elite.

- Hey. Hey, hey, are you kidding me?
- Hey, you again.

Tell me why you're alone
and I'll tell you anything.

I thought I could start over,
but college is just high school...

...with more expensive books.

I'm in with Serena, I can find
something bigger to take her down.

I better not find out this was
about Nate. If you're falling for him...

- I'm not.
- You sure about this?

WOMAN: The Captain is being charged
with embezzlement and fraud.

There's a way to get our lives back,
one that doesn't require another felony.



You be a man
and you turn yourself in.

BLAIR:
The moment you slept with Jenny...

...that was the best thing
because I got over you.

- Then why haven't you told anyone?
- You wouldn't.

I need to get an interview for someone
who will be applying to Parsons.

Her name's Jenny Humphrey.

WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hello?

Is somebody there?

Who's there?



[THUD]

I know it's you, Chuck.

[BLAIR SCREAMING]

Help! Somebody help!

[BLAIR PANTING]

[PANTING]

GOSSIP GIRL:
They say waking up is hard to do...

... especially when you're not alone.

What have we here?

Bed unslept in?

Hair in missionary disarray?

And yesterday's dress
with today's shame all over it.

No shame.

For your information,
we just stayed up talking all night.

Oh. So does this chatty insomniac
have a name?

- Colin. The cab stealer.
- Oh, well, you showed him.

It turns out he actually
has some redeeming qualities.

He's handsome,
in an old Hollywood way.

He's smart.
Even though he's a businessman...

...he's more interested in Lichtenstein
and Warhol, which he collects.

What are you doing here?

He also collects women that he puts
into cabs, a new one each morning...

...and I'm not gonna be one of them.
I won't be.

What's wrong with you?
You look exhausted.

Ugh, I had another Chuck nightmare.

It was awful.

I was in Wait Until Dark.

And I knew that he was there,
just lying in wait, like in real life.

But then when he attacked me,
he turned out to be a she.

Like Chuck in drag or an actual girl?

- I don't know. I was blind.
- It makes sense.

You dream about being attacked
ever since Chuck declared war.

I guess.

But then why a girl?

And the hair, so long and...

B, hey, can we talk about this
on our way to school?

Without the cab stealer,
I've no excuse for being late.

And I promised the dean
I'd be a model student.

Uh...

I'm gonna meet you there.
There's something I need to do first.

Okay.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hey, man.
What are you doing up so early?

Oh, just visiting my dad.
Thought I'd check in. You okay?

Vanessa went to stay
with her folks for a while.

Sorry.
Probably for the best, though, right?

Yeah. I suppose.

Part of her just believes
that I'll always be in love with Serena.

Yeah, crazy.

So, uh, what about you?
How was your big night with Juliet?

Totally won'th the wait.

- At least I thought so.
- Huh? What do you mean?

This morning, she bolted.
She couldn't skip class.

- So?
- So I thought she'd wanna hang.

You know, maybe have breakfast at
Tom's, stay in bed all day. I don't know.

I'll ignore you have the best problems,
tell you not to read too much into it.

This might come as a shock,
maybe she didn't wanna skip class.

I gotta go. Talk to you later.

[GATE BUZZES]

Juliet?

Nate?

- Hey.
- So the campus crusade continues.

You haven't punished Blair enough
for driving Eva away?

As I told her, I've hardly begun.
Besides, I actually like it here.

Chuck.

They've got someone to replace Martha
for the Psychology of Business lecture.

Apparently, he's Fortune 500.

Curious to meet the man,
see what lessons there are to be learned.

Where is Blair? Don't tell me she threw
in the towel after just one round?

- She'll be here.
- Lf you'll excuse me, I'll sit with them.

From what I hear, badminton players
know how to handle a shuttlecock.

COLIN:
Hold the door, please.

Colin? Hey. What are you doing here?

This is Psychology of Business, right?

Yeah, but...

Oh, no. Don't tell me you're...?

The new professor.

I take it from your less than
glowing enthusiasm, you are one of my...

Students. Yes.

GOSSIP GIRL:
They say life is full of surprises.

That our dreams really can come true.

Hello?

GOSSIP GIRL:
Then again, so can our nightmares.

Anybody there?

GOSSIP GIRL:
Welcome home, Jenny Humphrey.

We've missed you.

Whatever you're about to do, my dad
and Lily will be home any minute.

Not to worry, Little J. This is going
to be a very short conversation.

I let you walk away
after you whored out to Chuck...

...because I assumed you were smart
enough never to come back.

I might have been willing
to make exceptions for holidays...

...birthdays, health emergencies
of family members.

But I don't believe
any of those scenarios apply.

Blair, I have an interview
with Tim Gunn.

If everything goes well, he'll write me
a recommendation for Parsons.

- Parsons is still in Manattan, is it not?
- Lower Manattan.

- It's a hundred blocks away from...
- Semantics. You were banished.

If people think I'm not a woman of my
word, the system could break down.

Look, Blair, I'm not looking
to destabilize your social order.

You know how much fashion means
to me and Parsons is the school for it.

I'll call you a car to take you back
to Hudson and wait while you pack.

How about a day pass? I promise
I'll leave directly after my interview...

...and who knows if Tim Gunrs
gonna like my work?

Either way, I promise I won't set foot
in Manattan for the rest of the year.

Not even Christmas.

A Jenny-free holiday season.

That's been on my wish list
for quite some time.

Amnesty till midnight.

- Thank you.
- I'm not done.

There are terms.

See no one, speak to no one and don't
step foot outside this apartment...

...except for your interview.
- Fine.

Goodbye, Little J.

I look forward
to never seeing you again.

[SIGHS]

So running into each other at a prison.

That's kind of awkward.

Yeah, especially because you said
you were going to class.

- Were you following me or something?
- No, no. I wasrt following you, okay?

I'm visiting my dad.
He's in for fraud and embezzlement.

He just got transferred down
from upstate.

Oh, my God. Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it's usually not a part
of my A-game pillow talk. Heh.

It was in all the papers,
I thought you might know...

...and I wouldn't have to talk about it.
- No, I didn't.

I'm sorry.
I wasrt living in the city then.

No, it's okay. It's nice to have someone
to talk to who might understand.

So who are you here for?
Your brother?

No.

I'm a volunteer
for the Prison Literacy Program.

Why didn't you just tell me that
this morning?

Look, all I wanted to do
was stay in bed with you and...

I don't know, I guess I just felt weird
bailing on you for some convicts.

Like you said,
not exactly the best pillow talk.

Well, I think it's great
you do something like that.

I gotta get going
before my dad wonders where I am...

...but, um, is it cool if I swing by later,
check out your class?

Oh, no.

Um, I just got a text message saying
that my session was cancelled.

- I'll see you back in the city.
- Okay.

Hey, you are never going to believe
who's back in town. What's wrong?

Our Psychology of Business professor
is Colin. The guy from last night.

- Cab guy? What are the odds?
- I can't believe this is happening.

I'm on thin ice with the dean.
What do I do?

You make sure he knows there will be
no more cuddling or art talk...

...and that you expect to be treated
the same as if you had never met.

I really like him though.

But I'll talk to him.

Office hours. Not his apartment.

GIRL 1: Bye.
GIRL 2: Bye. See you.

Did you happen to know that
Jenny Humphrey was back on my island?

Really? She must have a lot of nerve,
considering you banned her.

- Lf people found out she defied you...
- They won't.

And let me remind you,
I sent her packing for both of our sakes.

If it was made public
you had a dangerous liaison...

...with a teenage Brooklynite,
who also is your stepsister...

...you'd be socially guillotined.

Well, I'd be mad to have anything to do
with her return then, wouldn't I?

Arthur, pull the car around.
It's time to make that stop I requested.

Reporting for duty.

I need you to huff and puff over
to the van der Woodsens'.

You're on stakeout.
Jenny Humphrey is back.

- She's violating your order to exile?
- I gave her a day pass.

She is not to move one inch outside that
building without me knowing. Got it?

Nothing could be more entertaining
than bottle-blond recon.

But we're still dying to know
why you deported Jenny.

Yours is not to wonder why.
Yours is to do or die. Go.

[BLAIR SIGHS]

- I didn't know you were coming back.
- I'm here for a day.

- I didn't wanna make a big deal.
- Lf Dad brought out a spread like this...

...I'd be inviting you more often.
- Thanks?

Well, these are so lovely. I can see why
Tim Gunn is dying to meet with you.

Are you kidding? He knows what I do.
Parsons would be lucky to have her.

Hey, how about dinner at Babbo tonight,
celebrate us all being back together?

Um, I'd actually kind of rather stay in
if that's okay. Uh, Dad's chili?

- When have you ever passed up Babbo?
JENNY: Yeah, I know.

But I have a couple finishing touches
to do on my dresses...

...so if you guys will excuse me.

LILY: I'm sorry, Rufus, but the chili...
The smell. It lingers.

RUFUS: What? Must be the cumin.
- Ha, ha.

Okay. So, what's really going on?

Well, Blair stopped by
with her welcome wagon.

I don't know why
I thought I'd sneak back in.

How did she know
you were here before I did?

She's the wicked witch
of the Upper East Side.

I'm sure one of her monkeys spotted me
getting off the train.

But it's fine. She's given me a day pass
as long as I don't see or talk to anyone.

That's ridiculous.

Yes, it is 100-percent vintage,
crazy-ass Blair.

But really, though, I have no interest
in going back to being G.I. Jenny...

...or warring with Blair.
- How very Gandhi of you.

But in case eastern philosophy
does fail you...

...how about I meet you downtown,
escort you back here?

Thanks, but really, the only person I have
to worry about today is Tim Gunn.

CHUCK:
Hello?

- Is anybody home?
- Chuck.

It's all right. I'll deal with him.

What are you doing here, Chuck?

Oh.

I heard Jenny was back.
I wanted to speak with her.

Say what?
I'm sorry for taking advantage of you...

...letting my psycho ex-girlfriend
run you out of town?

Something like that,
except without the sarcasm.

Well, I think I can deliver that message.
I think you can find the elevator.

Well, how can I argue with big brother?
I'll just grab these blueprints Lily left...

...and let you get back
to your Hemingway complex.

I almost respect this side to you,
Humphrey.

Tell Jenny I said hello.
I'm truly sorry.

Hey.

Ah. You raced out of class pretty fast.

Was I that boring?

Come to think of it,
you raced off pretty fast this morning.

I know the routine.

I wanted to save you the effort
of walking me out and hailing me a cab.

Does that mean you think last night
was a mistake?

The opposite, actually.

I had a lot of fun last night...

...which is why I didn't want you
to think I was one of your conquests.

You made that pretty clear last night
when you declined to be conquered.

All of this, however, was before
I found out you were my professor...

...and relationships with faculty
are strictly forbidden...

...and I don't want last night to affect
how you treat me as a student.

Gotta say,
that didn't sound very heartfelt.

Wanna try it again,
with a little more conviction?

I've said what I need to say.
You can have the TA mark my papers.

May I offer a counter proposal?

I have to go to this party
for The New York Observer.

I'm getting some kind
of eligible bachelor award.

Will you come with me?

Wouldrt bringing a date
make you an ineligible for that?

Maybe having you on my arm
would be honor enough.

If I give up my bachelor title and commit
to getting to know you better...

...maybe you could put off mastering
the Psychology of Business...

...for another semester?

Well, it's not like business is my major
and it's still the add-drop period, so...

I'll pick you up.

The messenger's picking them up
so the models can get fitted.

Of course.
I tell him extra careful, special delivery.

Ha, ha. All right. Thanks, Vanya.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Why are you calling me?

I understand your reluctance
to ever speak to me again...

...and I don't wanna bother you.

I was picking up
some Bass Industries blueprints...

...and it seems I mistakenly took
your portfolio.

I don't know what type of game you're
playing, my interview's in an hour.

- You have to bring it back.
- I would...

...but I'm heading into a meeting.
Can you swing by the Empire?

No, I'm not supposed to go anywhere
but my interview. I can't see you.

So you won't have to.

I left it at the front desk
with my concierge.

Good luck today.

No, Chuck.

[SIGHS]

VANYA:
Good luck.

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted, B's disciples
hot on Little J's tail.

- Go, go, go.
- This is fun.

Hopefully, it's about to get more so.

ZOE:
Follow that cab.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Don't tell me you lost her.

GOSSIP GIRL: Watch out, J.
Break a deal with the devil...

We didn't.
She just walked into the Empire.

I need the address
of Tim Gunrs studio.

GOSSIP GIRL:
... and there will be hell to pay.

Dan, you didn't have to meet me here.
I'm already late.

I was in the neighborhood. This is
Veronica, she was waiting for you.

Sorry. Jenny Humphrey. I had a couple
last minute organizational issues.

No problem. The models
are already inside getting dressed.

Mr. Gunn is on
a very tight schedule today.

- Uh, wish me luck?
- I don't have to.

You're my sister and I love you,
so I'm biased.

If you could take Blair in stride today,
Tim Gunn will be a piece of cake.

- Don't tell him I said that.
- Okay, thank you.

I'll be here waiting for you.

WOMAN: Collect call from the correctional
facility. Do you accept these charges?

Yes.

- Ben, I'm so glad you called.
- Where were you today?

- I came, but Nate...
- I told you to stop seeing him.

- His father's in prison with you.
- What?

Don't they make you do your homework
at Columbia?

I did. But he just transferred
and I bumped into Nate outside.

Don't worry. I made something up.

You're wrong about him, you know?

I mean, we talked
and he's not like the others.

He might actually understand.

Understand what, exactly?

That your big brother's
in prison, maybe.

But what happens when he starts
asking questions about why?

You think he's gonna understand then?

I don't know. I just...

I don't wanna lie to him anymore.

Maybe you're right.
I've put a lot on you.

You're my little sister.

You deserve to be happy.

Thank you...

...for understanding.

I've gotta get back,
but I'll call you later.

Hey. You know a new guy in here,
last name Archibald?

Introduce me?

Hey, Mom.

Serena. What a lovely surprise.
What brings you back to the homestead?

Don't tell me word reached you
that Rufus is making his famous chili?

Jenny's in town.

Hmm, guess she forgot to call.

You haven't exactly been
the best of friends in the past...

...but maybe that can change
now that you've had some time apart.

As much as I would love to bond
with her, I actually have plans.

Special plans that involve me raiding
my mother's jewelry box.

Those are special plans.
Let's see what we can do.

Oh, hey. What are you reading?

Oh, it's just a book
by one of my professors. But I'm...

"Winner. By Colin Forrester.
A must-read for 21st century CEOs."

Serena, I can't tell you
how happy it makes me...

...to see you taking a challenging course
just right out of the gate.

Honestly,
after the year that you've had...

...it's wonderful to see you
thinking about your future...

...instead of focusing on boys.

Thanks, Mom.

All right. Let's go find something
that sparkles, huh?

I must say, Jenny,
this is a very impressive r?sum?.

- Especially for someone so young.
- Oh, thank you.

Fashiors pretty much
the only thing I've cared about.

So you interned with Eleanor Waldorf.
Love her.

Then you left to start your own line.
That was bold.

In retrospect, it was a little too bold.

I didn't exactly leave on great terms...

...and my new business partner
set all of my dresses on fire.

Oh, my. But you must have patched
things up with Eleanor...

...because I see you worked together
last year.

And then you just left town?

Uh, well, there was a conflict
with a different Waldorf.

But I can assure you
that all of that's behind me now.

I think that these dresses really express
my take on young women today...

...our sense of self-confidence
and self-won'th.

- Well, let's take a look.
- Okay.

- This is quite a statement, Jenny.
JENNY: Um, no.

GUNN: We're done.
- Uh, that part is not...

Let's get ready
for the next appointment.

GUNN:
"Confidence and self-won'th"?

I don't know if this is your idea
of a joke, but it's not funny.

- It's not a joke. Sorry.
- I'll show you the way out.

Mr. Gunn, please.

Ladies, you may leave.

I don't know what you're doing here.

It's not gonna work
because Jenny's already inside.

Oh, I came for the after party.

- Blair. How could you?
- Jenny, wait, what happened?

She humiliated me
and destroyed my collection.

You broke the terms of our agreement.
Here. There's the 5:00.

[SCOFFS]

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted, Little J having
a fashion emergency.

Looks like B drew blood.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Chuck.
- Before you say anything...

...I'm only calling
because I saw Gossip Girl.

I wondered if I might be able
to offer some assistance.

Unless it's a murder-suicide,
I think I'll pass.

So dramatic. You'd be a writer.

Tim Gunn is being honored...

...at The Observer's
New Yorkers of the Year party tonight...

...at The Boom Boom Room.

Why don't you two accompany me?

Surely, Jenny can find a quiet moment
to plead her case.

Why should I believe
you're trying to help us here?

It would be my way
of making amends to Jenny.

Why don't you run it by the brains
of the operation?

I can't imagine her wanting Blair
to win this one.

Chuck can get us into The Observer
party, Tim Gunn will be there.

It's not like Blair could do anything
worse. What about dinner with Dad?

Tell your sister I'll leave tickets
for the whole family.

I look forward to seeing you
at the festivities.

GOSSIP GIRL: Careful, Little J.
Queen B doesn't grant second chances.

She attacks at first sight.

MAN:
Look this way, please.

[PHOTOGRAPHERS CLAMORING]

- You look incredible.
- Thank you. Ha, ha.

Maybe we should walk in separately.

- You're having second thoughts?
- No, no, no. I just...

I talked to my mom,
she's proud of me for taking your class.

I don't want her to read
I'm dropping it in the New York Times.

Oh, why don't you just tell her?

Because she'll think I'm choosing a man
over my future again.

You know what? If it's okay with you,
I'm just gonna meet you upstairs.

[UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

IVANKA: Lily.
- Ivanka.

- How are you? Good to see you.
- You are a vision.

- Oh, thank you for coming.
- Pleasure to be here.

[JENNY SIGHS]

Are you sure this is a good idea?
RISD has a great fashion program.

We're not letting you give up
on Parsons. Come on.

I have a Blair-shaped target
on my back.

Oh, do you wanna be Gandhi? Now's
your chance. Let's go find Tim Gunn.

Mom, hey. What are you doing here?

- What happened to chili night?
- Change of plan.

Uh, Dan and Jenny wanted to come,
so we all did.

Great. Ha, ha.

Is that your professor?

- Who?
- Colin Forrester.

I recognize him
from his jacket photo...

...which incidentally does not do him
any justice.

MAN:
One more, Colin.

About that, I know how important it is
to you that I take his class...

It's not the class I care about.

I am just so proud
of the student you're becoming.

Your new focus.

- I know...
- I ducked the press line.

Tell your mother
that I am crazy about you...

...that I might be your future
and I don't care who knows it.

Sorry. Colin Forrester.

Lily Humphrey.
Formerly van der Woodsen.

Serena's mother.

Who heard everything
loud and clear.

Status report.

PENELOPE: Jenny didn't get on the train.
She's at The Observer party.

We followed her here.

This isn't just belligerency,
it's insurgency.

Why would she risk escalating
my wrath?

Tim Gunn is here.

An 11th hour appeal. Don't let her
out of your sight. I'm on my way.

Boom Boom Room is a private club,
we're having trouble with the door guy.

- Can you help?
- Penelope, this isn't congress.

Accomplish something.

Ladies, good to see you.

- See who you like,
who you'd like to have for the line...

...and, um, if that works out for you,
we could...

JENNY:
Mr. Gunn?

Hi, Jenny Humphrey.

Jenny, of course.

Um, I'm really sorry to bother you. I just...

I didn't get a chance to explain that my
dresses werert supposed to be like that.

- With the paint and the letters.
- Oh, dear. What happened?

It's a long story, but, um, I just...

I really needed you to know that's not
who I am or what my work's about...

...and I would really do anything
for a second chance.

[SIGHS]

I can arrange for another interview.

And don't let your dresses
out of your sight.

All right, thank you.

When Veronica told me
Chuck Bass wanted us to meet...

Wait. Chuck called you?

Really? No inmates by that name?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

All right. Well, uh, thank you.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What is it?
- This sounds a little crazy.

But after our talk,
I thought your brother was an inmate...

...and you were embarrassed to tell me
so I called over there.

You called the prison?

Yeah, and I'm sorry. I was just being
paranoid and it's not an excuse...

...but I have a history of believing girls
when I shouldn't.

I just wanna make sure
we're totally open with each other.

I know. I want the same thing.

In fact...

...it's why I came over.

There are some things that I need
to tell you about me and my family.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Wait, one second. It's the prison.
Hello?

Yes.

What?

Are you sure?

Yeah, of course. I'll come right over.

Is everything okay?

My dad's been jumped by some inmates,
he's in the infirmary.

- Nate.
- I gotta go. I'll call you later, okay?

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

- Lily.
- Isaac.

- Hi.
- Oh, it is wonderful to see you.

- Good to see you.
- You're being honored tonight.

- Thank you.
- Rufus, this is Isaac Mizrahi.

- Hello, Isaac.
- Hello.

Jenny. Hey, I saw you walk away
from Tim Gunn.

- What happened?
- Just like old times, huh, J?

- What are you guys doing here?
- The question is what are you doing here?

Or do you want that dress
messed up too?

- Leave me alone.
PENELOPE: We don't make the rules.

We just enjoy enforcing them. But there
is one thing we don't understand.

What a nobody like you could have done
to Blair Waldorf...

...to get her so riled up,
we had to play follow-the-Ioser all day?

Wait. You guys don't know
why Blair hates me?

Besides the obvious? No one does.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Blair's here. You're in trouble now.

We'll see who's in trouble.

- Whatever you're thinking of doing, just...
- lf they won't stop, why should I?

Move. I have a Humphrey to squash.

Out to paint the town red?

I don't know what you've heard,
but it isn't your concern.

Unless...

...it is.

You've been behind this
the whole time.

You got Jenny the interview
with Tim Gunn...

...made sure your friend-with-no-benefits
stopped by the Empire just to defy me.

I told you I wouldn't rest
until you were destroyed.

Inviting your old partner back
was my way...

...of avoiding doing
all the dirty work myself.

Jenny always had a talent
for making your life a living hell.

You've gone too far.

Bringing Jenny back
puts both of our reputations at risk.

I love to watch you squirm.

The pleasure I get from witnessing
your shame is considerable.

But I doubt Jenny will talk.

She thinks she's above it all, but Little
Humphrey still cares what people think.

[CELL PHONES BEEPING]

GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like New York's
best kept secret is finally out:

Turns out Little J didn't lose her V card
to Damien Dalgaard.

She waited and Chucked it away
with her stepbrother.

Guess that explains
the Humphrey in Hudson.

Hell hath no fury
like a Waldorf scorned.

It's obviously not true.

Jenny put out the blast
so that she would humiliate me.

Tell them that she's lying.

JENNY:
Give it up, Blair.

Everyone knows I did
and who I gave it to.

Looks like the joke's on Chuck and Blair
and Little J's got the last laugh.

DAN:
Hey.

You okay? I'm not quite sure what just
happened in there, but it seems all bad.

It's a matter of degree.

I'm a little embarrassed that the entire
world knows I lost it to Chuck Bass...

...but did you see their faces?
I mean, Blair looked like she might cry.

Wow, so much
for Zen Jenny Humphrey.

- I just did what needed to be done.
- It's what Blair, Chuck would've done.

Jen, I was proud of you
for moving on.

But if this is what you've become
after a day back...

...maybe Blair was right after all and
maybe you should go back to Hudson.

I met Colin
before he started teaching...

...but I'll drop his class
so there aren't problems.

Oh, Serena, please.
You don't need to apologize. I get it.

- You're not mad?
- I understand...

...the lure of a man like Colin.

I married Bart Bass, remember?
It's fine.

And to be honest,
it can make your life so much easier.

Well, it's not about that.

We both know you would have moved on
to classes more your speed.

You don't think I could have handled
a business class?

We'll never know now, will we?

Darling, I'm just trying to be supportive
and realistic.

A pretty girl like you could get
the attention of a Colin Forrester...

...even without an education.
So why even bother?

[SCOFFS]

I think you may have taken this
tough love a little too literally this time.

Well, um, after Serena left this afternoon,
I bought Colirs book.

And on chapter 16,
it talks about reverse psychology.

Nothing I've done so far
has gotten through...

...so I thought I'd try something new.

Ah. Ha, ha.

- Dad.
- Nate.

- Are you okay? What happened?
- Well, no idea.

I was reading and someone was taking
batting practice with a dictionary.

- Did you have a problem with someone?
- I never seen them before.

[COUGHS]

Hey. Are they giving you anything?

No.
Don't worry, I'm still on the wagon.

I told them nothing stronger
than Tylenol.

Did you let your mother know?

Yeah, I let her know.

If she knew how bad it was
she would've come down.

Nate, it's okay. I gave up on your mother
visiting a long time ago.

This wasrt what she signed up for.

What ever happened to
"in good times and bad"?

I spent most of our marriage focused
on "for richer or poorer."

I wish she could see
how great you're doing now.

I mean, present situation excluded.

Well, you can see it.

That's enough for now.

Nothing I can do about the rest
until I get parole.

Well, just try to stay safe until then.
You know, no reading.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Tell me again about that girl you like.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Jared.

And thank you, Ivanka,
for marrying Jared...

...and giving someone else a chance
to win bachelor this year.

This is quite an honor.

But one I would gladly give up
for the right woman.

Come on, Mom. Let's go.

If I'm ever lucky enough to meet her.

Anyway, um, thank you all...

Are you happy now
that you've humiliated both of us?

Look at your own bloody hands.

What did you think would happen when
you played Carrie with her dresses?

I only did it because you lured her
back here to torture me.

I warned you I wouldn't stop.

And thanks to your vendetta,
we both lost and Jenny Humphrey won.

If you've come to gloat, I would relish
the moment. It will be fleeting.

You're right because I'm leaving.

Despite what happened today,
I can't beat you.

In order to beat you, I'd have
to become you and I'm better than that.

- At least I wanna be.
BLAIR: Nice try, Jenny.

We know you're just scared,
trying to save face.

You two used to be in love.

Together, you were invincible. But now
that you've turned against each other...

...it's just a matter of time
before your mutual destruction.

When that happens,
maybe I'll think about coming home.

But for now, goodbye,
good riddance and good luck.

GOSSIP GIRL: We hear Little J gave
Chuck and Blair a goodbye kiss of death.

COLIN:
Come in.

Hello.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I was just gonna leave a note
under your door.

It explains everything.

Sorry. I thought you'd be out
celebrating your bachelorhood...

...putting a new girl into a cab.

Actually, I'm working on my lecture
for Monday's class.

- Really?
- You got me thinking.

If my class is so important to you...

...maybe I should try a little harder
to make it won'th your while.

Fewer models and martinis,
more footnotes and flow charts.

[SERENA CHUCKLES]

I know you need to figure out what
you wanna do with your life, Serena.

I've been there. Believe me.

And if my course can help,
that's great...

...but it's only seven weeks.

Meaning?

We can still get to know each other
as student and teacher.

By the book?

I'm willing to wait if you are.

Well, then, teacher,
I'll see you Monday.

Don't think about leaving
an apple on my desk.

You've got no shot
at being teacher's pet.

Seriously, Dan, you don't have to ride
with me all the way to the border.

I'm pretty sure I'm safe now.
Besides, I'm leaving like Blair wanted.

No, I know. I'm not guarding you.
I'm just, uh, hanging out.

I'm really proud of you, Jen.

Thanks. I don't know if I'll be able
to come back to the Upper East Side...

...without morphing
into everything I hate about myself.

Give it time, let your Brooklyn DNA
guide you to righteousness.

Well, if it's your DNA that I share,
then maybe I have a chance.

DAN: Yeah.
- Ha, ha.

Thanks for being a good brother.

GOSSIP GIRL:
They say war is not the answer...

... but sometimes it's a battle
just to keep the peace.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

If you're here to deliver any further
humiliation, Dorota can sign for it.

Jenny was right.

If we keep going,
we'll both end up dead...

...and I like myself too much
to let that happen.

- I assume you feel the same.
- About myself? More.

- What do you suggest?
- A truce.

Why don't you skywrite the word
double-cross, it'd be more subtle.

Look, we can keep blaming each other
for what happened that night...

...or we can admit a harder truth.

It was no one's fault.

It was fate, a tragedy.

If Serena hadrt kissed Dan...

...then Nate wouldn't have been
at the hospital, looking for her...

...and Jenny wouldn't have come
looking for Nate.

If Dorota hadrt gone into labor.

Maybe everything would be different.

But it's not.

We're holding onto the pain
because it's all we have left.

But we don't have to.

We have a choice.

[BLAIR SIGHS]

Truce.

- You can see yourself out.
- I know the way.

GOSSIP GIRL: On the Upper East Side,
you may stand down...

... but you can never give up...

... and the bitterest feuds
are always labors of love.

- Hi.
NATE: Hey, I just got home.

Can you come over?

I don't think so.

My dad's gonna be okay,
thanks for asking.

- I'm glad, but Nate...
- But what?

God, this is so hard.

[SIGHS]

Okay, well, let me make it easy
for you.

You find out Nate Archibald's dad's a
jailbird, you decided you could do better.

Or maybe you have.

Nate, you're different than anyone
I've ever known.

You know what? Just save it, okay?

You're exactly like everyone
I've ever known.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

I'm so sorry, but I have to go.

[SCOFFS]

Hey, Juliet.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

I'm fine.

Just a bad day.

I hope it's okay
I poured myself a drink.

Of course. I could use one too.

I assume you're here for your check
and not just to raid my liquor cabinet.

Sorry to be so predictable.

Here, this should cover things.

How's it going?

You werert kidding
when you said it'd be a challenge.

Well, all good things
are won'th waiting for, aren't they?

GOSSIP GIRL: But our most dangerous
enemies are the ones we never knew we had.

To patience.

GOSSIP GIRL: So if you want peace,
always be prepared for war.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.

[English - US - SDH]