Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Undergraduates - full transcript

Gossip Girl here,
your one and only source...

...into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

Nate Archibald.
Can I at least get your number?

- Hey, Serena.
- Nate.

- This is Juliet.
- Here you go, grandpa.

This is Milo Humphrey, your grandson.

We need to get our own paternity test.

Milo's bracelet says his blood type
is O-negative. So is Milo's real father.

I've been acting like I'm okay,
but I'm not.

What if I stay like this?
What if I never get over Chuck?

When you dragged me in,
you didn't just save my life.



You gave me the hope of a new one.

- To New York? You got me a ticket?
- We don't need tickets.

I'm Chuck Bass.

Where has she been?

And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

I don't understand. How can Gossip Girl
be down on my first day at Columbia?

Maybe Gossip Girl get kidnapped?

Unstable ex-boyfriend
lock tattletale in basement...

Dorota, what did I tell you?

No watching Law & Order: SVU
while breastfeeding.

Unlike those plebeians at NYU,
the students at Columbia...



...actually respect and understand
the power of Gossip Girl.

But how is my first day
supposed to matter...

...if Gossip Girl isn't around
to tell people it does?

- Still nothing.
- Good.

I forgot how exciting
the first day of school can be.

A new fall wardrobe, fresh slate.

The fact that Gossip Girl isn't around...

...only makes it more perfect.

She could be planning something
for your first day.

After all,
the site says "under construction"...

...not "out of service."

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What are you doing here? I was worried.
- Just looking at your world.

It's magnificent.

If you really are the big boss...

...can you make it so that
no one comes up here and disturbs us?

I already made the call.

Well, the good thing
about no Gossip Girl, no Chuck.

What about you? You're the one
who has to start college...

...with an ex-boyfriend on campus.
- There won't be any issues.

Nate and I are still friends, even if he is
dating some blond named Juliet.

Please.
You are Serena van der Woodsen.

We've been on campus five minutes,
I bet there's already...

...an entire frathouse filled with guys
fighting over you.

And don't worry, my jealousy issues are
as over as surf fabrics for evening wear.

Besides, we're carrying on our
divide-and-conquer strategy from Paris.

But where will our neutral meeting
ground be?

Hot & Crusty will not do
after Caf? Louis Philippe.

But Hamilton House will.

So they do have a Columbia chapter.

I suspected Nate was a member,
but he would never fess up.

He was right not to.
Their membership is so restrictive...

...it makes Soho House
look like a halfway house.

- So then how do we apply?
- We don't.

Incoming students are selected
by an anonymous board of alumni.

If you think you were chosen, you find
the keymaster on the first day of class.

Either a key or white-hot shame
awaits you.

Let's go receive our new accessories.

- Hello?
- I'm dreading this.

As much as the truth might be a relief,
it's the toughest thing he'll have to face.

Be prepared. Who knows how he'll react.

He may not even believe you.

Genetics don't lie...

...even though some doctors
who administer paternity tests do.

- I'm here. Wish me luck.
- Good luck, my darling.

Hey, Dad.

- Everything okay?
- Is Georgina home?

She should be back
from her spa trip any moment.

Why, what's going on?

Hey, man.
Meant to give this back to you last night.

Summer was...

...very rewarding. But I'm done.

- You and Serena are back on?
- No, no. But I'm good.

I met this girl I like.

Now, if I can only get her
to go out with me.

Have faith.
If a good woman can change me...

...surely one can date you.
- Good morning, Nate.

- It's nice to see you.
- Nice to see you, Eva.

Everything's so different.
I keep wanting to call him Henry.

It's a long story,
but it has a happy ending.

Should I make some breakfast?

You don't have to make anything
for anyone.

Whatever you want
at the touch of a button.

Simone is waiting for you
in the spa on the second floor.

Tell her what you'd like, she'll have it
delivered before your massage.

Or after. It's entirely up to you.

- This is crazy. Your life is perfect.
- Now so is yours.

So, Henry,
why do I get the impression...

...you might not have told her
your whole life story?

Wow. I thought college was gonna be
different than high school.

Who would want that?

Sorry, but this is a private club.
No has-beens allowed.

Penelope, good to see you too.
Long time.

Clearly, standards have slipped
if you're a member here.

To whom should I speak
to have you removed?

The wall.

My great-aunt,
she was a founding member.

Ah, nepotism. That explains it.

If you don't mind,
would you direct us to the keymaster...

...and then get me some cashews?
I'm famished.

Those two? We're so in.

Oh, no, it's her.

You know the keymaster? That's perfect.

Well, maybe.

We're here to get our keys.

Blair Waldorf,
Serena van der Woodsen.

- Hi, we've met.
- I'm sorry, we have?

At Dan Humphrey's, with Nate.

Oh, right, Serena.

This is why I hate it
when best friends show up together.

Unfortunately,
I'm down to my very last key...

...which means only one of you
made the list.

Only one?

It's okay.
We'll find a different meeting place.

Like the library or a bookstore
or Starbucks...

This key's for Blair Waldorf.

Sorry for the silent treatment, Gossips...

...but everyone needs the occasional
R and R, even yours truly.

Lucky for you, I observed a sacred
Upper East Side tradition...

...and had a little work done
while I was gone.

Now, enough with the pleasantries,
time for the dirt.

I spy with my many eyes Chuck Bass
returning from Paris yesterday...

...with a pretty new fall accessory.

But if she's the kind of girl you bring
home to meet your stepmother...

...why is Chuck visiting Lily solo?

I'm so sorry.
I know how much Milo means to you.

I just can't believe this. Why?
Why would Georgina do this? How?

Do you want me to stick around
until she gets home?

We can talk to her together.

No, no. I think I need to handle this
on my own.

Thanks, Dad.

Also spotted: Lonely Boy's baby mama...

...looking like one hot mama
on the beach in St. Barts.

If she's flown the coop,
who's cleaning up her baby's poop?

And what about Serena
and Blair? It seems our girls...

...have started their college careers
with a social call to Hamilton House.

I'm sorry, Serena,
but this club is for members only.

Great. I'll see myself out, then.

But if B is the one
holding the key to the kingdom...

...guess Serena is out in the cold.

Sorry for what happened with Jenny.
She was in a bad place, I could've helped.

Instead, I used her pain
for my own self-destruction.

Thank you for the apology.
And welcome home.

- Please don't disappear again.
- I don't intend to.

Hope everyone's as relieved to see me
as you are.

Well, let's not ask for too much
off the bat, shall we?

So tell me what happened.

I heard about the mugging
from Serena.

- But then?
- I, uh, met someone.

Someone wonderful.
She found me, nursed me back to health.

- Her name's Eva.
- So when do I get to meet her?

When do you feel it would be appropriate
to introduce her?

I'm not going to lie, you haven't exactly
come home to a fan club.

But let me talk to Rufus and Eric
and see if I can make some progress.

I'd appreciate that.

Mwah.

Why don't you bring Eva
to Fashion's Night Out tomorrow?

Everyone can meet
without the pressure of a dinner.

That sounds great, thank you.
Thank you for everything.

I don't have to accept.
Any club that'll only take one of us...

...is a club I don't wanna be a part of.

I would never stand in the way
of your social progress.

Hamilton House isn't for me, anyway.
It's much more Right Bank.

- That's why you're my best friend.
- Okay. Ha, ha.

Okay.

First day download dinner tonight?
Sorella?

- Of course. I'll see you later.
- Okay.

That's right, it's Sparks. S-P-A-R...

I'm sorry,
can you hold on one moment?

- Hello?
- Dan. Hey.

We didn't get much of a chance
to talk last night, but I...

- Is that Milo I hear?
- This is a terrible time.

Sorry, can I...? I'm gonna have to
call you later, all right?

- Later, man.
- Later.

Nate. How happy am I
to see a friendly face?

Walk me to class? I'm really lost.
Can you help me, please?

You know what? I'm running late.
So I'm sorry.

Okay. You know, it'd be really great
to catch up for real, though.

Blair and I are going to dinner.
Wanna join?

We can start our own club.

You know what? I'm already a part
of this one, I'm gonna go head in.

I'll call you back.

Chuck is in New York?

He came to see me. Thought I would
tell you when I saw you.

Eric told me first.
Apparently, it was on Gossip Girl.

You have every right
to be upset with him...

...but we can't undo
what's already been done.

He's trying to make amends,
take responsibility.

What else is there?

He met this woman
who's had a big impact on him.

You can see for yourself how much.
I invited them to the party tomorrow.

I would appreciate if you would
just give them both a chance.

Well, Jenny keeps telling me it wasn't
his fault. Maybe it's time I believed her.

Thank you.

Okay, see you soon.

What do you think?

If I answered out loud,
I'd be asked to leave.

I'm afraid I have to go see my lawyer.

Apparently, disappearing for
three months isn't good for business.

I don't know which
is appropriate for the event.

Buy them all. My card's with Leandra.
When you're finished, the car is waiting.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I don't know who's more excited
that you're in:

the girls that wanna borrow your clothes
or the boys that wanna take them off.

Oh, well, thanks for the warning
on both counts.

But I have to ask,
why didn't Serena get a key?

- It just seems like kind of an oversight.
- I agree.

But it's not the worst thing
in the world.

Isn't it nice to have something
that's just yours for a change?

Oh, well, I...

Oh, I have get back to campus.

Listen, I know you said you had plans
with Serena tonight...

...but maybe you can stop by
for a drink beforehand?

Inaugural martinis
are a hundred-year-old tradition...

...and so are the
eager-to-please college boys.

Well, I do hate to disrespect tradition.

Bye.

Leandra, help. I'm stuck.

Oh, hello.

Blair, right?

- I'm Eva.
- Yeah, I know who you are.

I'm just surprised to see you here.

- Chuck asked me to come back.
- I don't mean in the city.

I mean in Carlos Miele.

I know. I can't believe it, either.

Chuck is wonderful. He's buying me
a dress for a party that his stepmother...

If you wanna hole up in Chuck's
hotel suite and feed him croissants...

...that's his business,
but introducing you to his family?

My friends?

Blair, I don't wanna hurt you
in any way.

You're the one that's gonna end up hurt,
and not by me.

Chuck will realize it doesn't matter if the
dress is couture if the girl's off-the-rack.

Then, as of all things that don't fit,
you'll be sent back to where you came from.

Oh, and by the way, if I were you,
I'd wanna accessorize with some gloves.

Not even a manicure
can mask those peasant hands.

The only thing we know about
Georgina's whereabouts...

...is she's in St. Barts?
- I called every resort.

There is no Georgina Sparks
in any of them.

She could've moved
to a different island...

...she could be staying under
a different name. She took everything.

She took her passport. She's gone.

She left Milo
and I don't think she's coming back.

So we know you dated royalty.
Tell us what it's like?

Well, dating a prince isn't really
different than dating anyone else.

Except instead of flowers,
you get diamonds.

- Another martini, B?
- Actually...

...I think Penelope
wants to get me a drink.

To make up
for the less-than-lovely welcome.

Hey, how far are you? I'm starving.

I am so sorry, S.
I totally lost track of time.

Can you hang on?

Can I invite Serena?

It's club members only tonight.
I'm sorry.

But don't tell her you're here, though.

You saw her face when she didn't get
a key. I don't want her to feel bad.

- Where are you?
- I'm just walking into my building.

- The doormen are hopeless gossips.
- You're not leaving, are you?

You still owe us tips on dating royalty.

Can I take a rain check, S?

I'm feeling more like a bubble bath
than bubbly tonight.

I'll guess I'll see you tomorrow.

- Yeah.
- Bye.

Thank you, Hamilton House.

Spotted: B holding court at Hamilton House.

Don't worry, S. It's not your party,
but you can cry if you want to.

Hey.

- I was hoping I'd find you here.
- And I was hoping you'd find me.

I was wondering, does volunteering
at Fashion's Night Out...

...mean you can't bring a date?
- Not necessarily.

But I prefer not to mix business
with pleasure.

How long are you gonna make me wait?

Serena's out of the picture.

- Serena agrees with that?
- That's why she doesn't get a vote.

How about I volunteer, then that way
it can be work for both of us?

You don't give up, do you?

I haven't had to try this hard before.
It's refreshing.

Hey.

Were we supposed to meet up?

Last night, but according to Gossip Girl,
you had a better offer.

- I'm sorry.
- B, you're gonna have House events.

You just don't need to cover it up.

I know. I was just drunk on gin
and attention.

Juliet told me that I shouldn't tell you
because it would hurt your feelings.

I shouldn't have listened.

The one who's dating my ex and swears
she doesn't remember my name...

...she was concerned with my feelings?
She's the one behind all of this.

"All of this"?

Oh, my gosh.
You can't believe you didn't get in.

You've never lost before.

This isn't a conspiracy, Serena.

Face it, Hamilton House
just didn't want you.

- I got it.
- My God!

- Let's go.
- So excited.

Did you just get a key?

Yep. And my mom said I'd never get in
unless I lost 10 pounds. Heh.

She's a bitch.

Eva, you ready? We should go.

- What's wrong?
- You should go without me.

- I thought you wanted to meet everyone.
- Yesterday, after you left the shop...

...I ran into Blair.

Let me guess.

She took one look at you,
radiant in a beautiful gown...

...and started shredding the dress
and your self-esteem?

- Some of what she said made sense.
- That's Blair.

She wouldn't waste her breath hurling
insults if she didn't think they'd land.

She reads people, senses vulnerability.
You need to be stronger than that.

Easy for you to say.

You're used to all of this.
The cars and clothes.

The spa. The roof.

I'm not like you. Or Blair.

When we walk into that party
you'll see me...

...through everyone else's eyes.
It won't be so charming.

That's not true.
I'm glad you're not too comfortable here.

It speaks to your character.
It's the reason Lily will love you.

Why everyone will,
once they get to know you.

Okay.

I'll get dressed.

Can you...?
Can you tell me all their names again?

- Lily.
- Lily.

- Rufus.
- Rufus.

Eric. Serena.

You know, Elliot is the bowtie master
in our relationship.

I guess I can't wear one now
until he's home visiting from Yale.

If your mother taught me,
I could teach you.

Or we can call in the true expert.

Your mother invited Chuck
and his new girlfriend tonight.

She feels strongly that he's changed.

And after talking it over,
I think that we should see for ourselves.

- Everybody deserves a second chance.
- A second chance. Chuck had a bunch.

After a certain point,
a person's beyond redemption.

This is hard for me too.

As upset as the situation might make me,
you just can't go writing people off.

You don't understand. It's not like what
happened was an isolated incident.

- What do you mean, not isolated?
- I shouldn't have said anything.

This is important, Eric.
What are you not telling me?

When Jenny was a freshman...

...Chuck tried to force himself on her
at a party.

So I don't care what Chuck says
about being a changed man.

What he did to Jenny this time
makes it clear.

He has always been that person,
and he always will be.

I'm sorry, Rufus.

Hi.

All right, we're leaving.
We're not coming back.

- Well, what did they say?
- Milo would go into foster care...

...before he gets adopted,
which could take years.

Until then, he'd be moved
from home to home with no real family.

- I couldn't even see him.
- That's awful.

There's an entire wall of photos
covered with kids waiting to be adopted.

I don't care if Milo's not my son.
He's not going into foster care.

If Georgina does not turn up,
I'm keeping him.

- Juliet, hey.
- Oh, hi, Serena.

I can't talk now,
I'm late to go help out downtown.

Don't you think you're going
a little far to hold on to Nate?

What are you talking about?

Serena, if this is about the keys,
as I said...

...there was only one left,
and it was marked for Blair.

Really? I ran into a girl
who got a key this afternoon.

Yes, okay, it's true.
There were more keys.

But I thought that it would be
even more awkward if I revealed that.

I don't determine who the keys go to.

The alumni committee makes
that decision. At least, usually.

- What do you mean?
- It wasn't them who didn't want you in.

- It was someone else.
- Okay, then who?

Blair? Heh.

- No, she wouldn't do that.
- You were on the list two nights ago.

And when I called
to find out what had happened...

...they said Blair had called to give them
more information about you.

Including something about a sex tape.

With a guy named Pete Fairman?

Did you really think she was gonna
let you steal her spotlight at Columbia?

Serena, I am so sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything. I just...

I would have hated for you
not to know the truth.

- They say old habits die hard.
- Sorry.

But when it comes to Serena
and Blair, old jealousies die harder.

Well, even if I drop out of school,
it means I have to get a job.

I have to get a nanny.

What if I get one
who spikes Milo's bottle...

...with Benadryl at nap time?
- I could maybe help.

You've been great, but this is more
than a good swaddle and formula runs.

I mean, I could move in.

We could work it out the same way
you were gonna do it with Georgina.

- I have mostly morning classes.
- Vanessa, hold on a second.

This is way beyond girlfriend duty.

- You didn't sign up for any of this.
- Neither did you.

Today's the last day I can withdraw from
campus housing and get my money back.

You sure?

If Ted Danson
and Tom Selleck can do it...

...so can we, right?

As long as it doesn't
make me Guttenberg.

Hi, Lily. How are you?

Hey, have you guys seen Blair?

Blair told me she was meeting Juliet
at Diane von Furstenberg.

Finally. Nothing makes it a party
like a Serena-Blair showdown.

Prepare your cell phones, ladies.

I'd never think I would be so nervous.

Underneath all the pretty,
they're all starving wannabes.

Let's go find Lily.

- My husband, Rufus, and my son, Eric.
- I've heard so much about you.

On second thought, why don't we
get a drink? It might take the edge off.

- Would you mind?
- Okay. Yeah.

Thank you.

Are you gonna entertain us
with another song?

Why don't we top off our glasses
and we can discuss that in major detail.

Rufus, Eric. It's good to see you.

- Okay, I'm sorry...
- Got a lot of nerve showing your face.

I thought Lily spoke with you.

She did. That was before I found out you
tried to rape my 14-year-old daughter.

I know nothing I can do will make up
for that, but it was years ago.

I apologized. She forgave me.
Did something happen to change her mind?

No, I just thought it was time
Rufus knew the whole story.

I'm glad. Now I can keep you
away from my family.

I understand. I'm sorry.
But I want you to know...

...I would never do anything to hurt
your daughter or anyone ever again.

- If you'll excuse me.
- It's my responsibility to make sure...

...no one else's daughter gets hurt
like mine. Where's this new girlfriend?

She should know
what kind of man you are.

- Is that her?
- No. It's obviously a social climber...

...making a play for Chuck Bass.
Whoever she is, she's not with me.

What's going on?
Flash sale on wrap dresses?

Serena thinks Blair blocked her
from getting into Hamilton House...

...and is going Jersey Shore on her ass.
- And Gossip Girl's streaming it live.

No, you couldn't stand
my stealing your spotlight.

Why would Hamilton House want you?

- Let's go.
- I love car wrecks.

Give it a minute.

While you were at NYU...

...begging for middle-class minions,
I had a job.

You can't seriously
be referring to your political career?

We can watch from here.

- I learned a lot about the issues.
- Oh. You mean your daddy issues.

Oh, like you're so healthy. "I love Chuck,
I hate Chuck, I love Chuck..."

And who do you love? "I love Nate,
then Dan, then Dan again.

Aaron, Gabriel, Carter, Trip,
then Dan, again.

Then Nate again."
Did your father finally fix that?

Because he seemed busy
giving your mom fake cancer.

I think we've seen enough.

We have to save our sister
from that crazy bitch.

- Turns out I'm not the crazy one.
- Or the bitch.

Champagne?

Spotted: S and B
discovering the joys of filmmaking.

Smile for your close-up, Juliet.

Well, you don't really have
the Humphrey jaw...

...but my name's on your birth certificate,
so I'm gonna be your dad.

Vanessa's gonna be here.

You're gonna be the only kid...

...who's seen The Battleship Potemkin
more times than Finding Nemo.

Let's hope she bought some pizza,
because Daddy's starving.

You hungry?

Oh, my sweet baby.

- I missed you.
- What are you doing?

Um, I'm back from the spa. And much
refreshed, thank you for noticing.

I know you weren't at the spa.
And I know Milo is not my son.

- I'm sorry, I can explain.
- I don't wanna hear this.

You don't understand.
Someone was trying to kill me.

Your ploy to blame me for Serena
not getting into Hamilton House...

...would work in high school,
but not now.

Did you really think
I would believe you over Blair?

I don't know what you're talking about.
Or what just happened here.

We had Dorota film us earlier.
Gossip Girl played it as a favor.

She prefers to be the only one
screwing with us.

Juliet, what's going on?

Serena's upset she
didn't get into Hamilton.

- You purposely kept me out.
- Why would I do that?

You're jealous of her relationship
with Nate and her friendship with me.

Whatever twisted
frenemy-slash-ex-boyfriend situation...

...you have going on, Serena,
it has nothing to do with me.

The alumni committee
makes the decisions.

You thought we wouldn't
know anyone on the committee?

You can't.

That's the secret part
of a secret committee.

Unless the keymaster misbehaves.

Half of the board members
of Bass Industries are alumni.

One phone call confirmed the obvious.

Serena has always been
at the top of the list.

Congratulations, darling.

Key, please.

Juliet.

Ladies, champagne?

- Juliet.
- Nate, are you really going after her?

I didn't find your little show
as charming as everyone else did.

Well, it wasn't meant to be.

What's going on? It's like ever since
I got back, you're angry with me.

I thought we ended things as friends.

Serena, you cheated on me with Dan,
and then you dumped me...

...and then you disappeared.

You come back
acting as if nothing's changed.

But I did.

And I guess it took me until now
to realize just how mad I am at you.

When I got on the plane to Minsk,
the guy from the bar...

...wasn't in the seat next to me, it was
a Russian businessman named Sergi.

By the time we landed, we were
platinum members of the mile-high club.

Oh, why am I not surprised?

We did it on the ground too.

Um, anyway,
everything would have been fine...

...if he didn't tell
his loony wife, Oksana...

...that I was pregnant with his child.
She threatened to kill me.

So you escaped to Brooklyn.

But this is all just a cover
because you're really a Russian spy...

...like those women in Westchester.
- No. Not that I wasn't approached.

I was. I came back because three guys
named Boris were paid a lot of money...

...to hunt me down.

And then I realized if I could make
Oksana believe...

...that it wasn't Sergi's baby,
she would leave me alone.

You were the only guy decent enough...

...at least who I slept with,
to take on that responsibility.

I sent a fork to the paternity test.
It was Sergi's.

I just labeled it "Dan Humphrey."

Is this supposed to somehow
be flattering?

Yes. When you signed
the birth certificate...

...Oksana called off her Cossacks.
You saved my life and Milo's.

And to show your thanks, you lied to me
and you abandoned your son?

I was free and clear
on a beach in St. Barts...

...like a younger, hotter
Kathleen Turner in Body Heat.

But I missed Milo.
I needed to come home.

I called my parents...

...and we spent the last 24 hours
in an intensive family therapy session.

- They're gonna let me move back in.
- I'm glad...

...you've gotten your priorities
straightened out here...

...but there's no way
that I'm letting you take this child.

I'm sorry, Dan, but it's not your choice.

He's not your son.

Georgina. What's going on?

Milo's going home.

- Rufus told me what happened.
- You shouldn't be seen speaking to me.

I explained to him that Jenny confided
in me a while ago about the party...

...and reassured him that she's put the
past in the past and wants to move on.

I love you, Charles.

And if Eva is everything you say she is...

...I think she will too.

Can you take me to the hotel, please?

Hey.

Couldn't find your car.
They look the same.

- Please let me explain.
- There's nothing to say.

It wasn't you I was ashamed of,
it was me.

- What could you have to be ashamed of?
- Everything I did until I met you.

Look, I should've told you,
but I couldn't risk losing you.

Well, I'm going now.

So tell me, who the hell are you,
Chuck Bass?

Sometimes, you just have to come clean...

...no matter how many dirty secrets
come out.

Charlotte.
Oh, I was hoping you'd be here.

Blair. Will I see you
at my show tomorrow?

- I wouldn't miss it.
- Great.

Welcome home.

I'd like to say I'm glad,
but the jury's still out.

- Apparently you met Eva.
- Well, I told you to come home.

I never said it was gonna be easy.
Is she with you?

Not anymore.

Wow.

She lasted two days. I'm impressed.

It was good to see you, Blair.

- You didn't leave.
- I'm not gonna lie.

It was hard to hear the things
you've done.

But I've seen the man you can be,
and I choose to believe in that man.

Come on, let's meet my family.

Hey, I thought you left.

I had to oversee gift bags.

Some advice: Don't get into a fight
at a party you helped organize.

So awkward question: is it true
you shut Serena out because of me?

When Serena
walked into Hamilton House, it just...

...sort of hit me.

Your ex-girlfriend was gonna be around
all the time.

Well, that's an interesting reaction...

...for someone who's not sure
they wanna go out with me.

Maybe I'm more sure than I thought.

Once men have tasted caviar,
it baffles me how they settle for catfish.

Hey.

- How you doing?
- Uh, I'm okay.

I'm okay, I guess.

I just talked to my dad
and he thinks I should keep busy.

Throw myself into
traditional college pastimes...

...like Noam Chomsky and beer pong.

Sounds like good advice.

Easier said than done, unfortunately.

I don't wanna bug you...

...but the van's double parked
downstairs with my boxes.

Should I just take everything
back to the dorm?

- What?
- We don't have to do this, Dan.

We made this decision when we thought
Milo was gonna be here.

I want you to stay.

I'm curious. Did you pack that
hideous bathmat your mom made you?

It's a prayer rug.

Oh, okay. Was it wrong of me to pray
that it got lost in the move?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
It'll look great here.

Come help me.

So how was it seeing Chuck with Eva?

Harder than I expected.

But at least he's not going to Columbia.
No offense.

Yeah, I guess I just didn't expect Nate
to be so mad at me.

I thought the only thing he got upset
about was a badly rolled joint.

But we both deserve better.

Now that we're at Hamilton House
where we belong, we'll find it.

Even though I was right about Juliet,
you were right about me.

- I did assume college would be easy.
- It'll get better.

After all, you are
Serena van der Woodsen.

And you do have the best...

...off-campus housing
of anyone at Columbia.

- What are you talking about?
- Follow me.

Ha, ha. What?

Ta-da!

It's your new bedroom.

Ah! Oh, my gosh, Blair.

I put Dorota to work
the minute I got back.

You should've seen her yelling at the
decorator while Anastasia was asleep.

He say he cannot get wallpaper done
in time. I simply make clear he can.

- So, what do you think?
- Oh...

- Can best friends live together all year?
- Of course.

Rumor has it S and B
changed their relationship status...

...from besties to roomies.

Friends or lovers,
moving in is risky business.

Any time the rules change...

...you don't know how they'll change you.

We take the risk
because the payoff can be so great.

But the truth is we never truly know
who we're living with...

...or the company they keep.

- How are you?
- Depends. How are things going?

Guys were easy...

...but the girls are presenting
a little bit more of a challenge.

Apparently, sisterhood is alive and well
on the Upper East Side.

- How long can that last?
- Exactly.

So you just keep your focus
on not getting raped or killed.

- It's a minimum-security prison.
- And you are hot.

Even white-collar criminals get lonely.
Don't worry.

I'll get it done. I promise.

Better watch out, kids...

...trouble's moving in and it's looking
to make the Upper East Side its bitch.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.