Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 3, Episode 7 - How to Succeed in Bassness - full transcript

GOSSIP GIRL: Gossip Girl here,
your one and only source...

...into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

I was willing to do what was necessary,
including lying to Chuck.

I'm KC, Olivia's publicist.

- I'm looking for a job.
- Have you thought about publicity?

How have you never heard of Olivia Burke?
That Endless Knights series.

- She plays Guinevere.
- My father turned his first profit...

...by the time he was 22.
I hope to do it by the time I'm 21.

The manager of the inn wants to meet you.
Horace, meet Chuck Bass.

- Man, come here.
- Constance is gonna be so different.

There's no more hierarchy,
no more mean girls.



We're here to make sure
you get what you want.

You need to be cool to be queen.

Make sure my spot's free
at the Met steps.

And wait there with a yogurt for me.

WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL:
All Hallows' Eve, the one day of the year...

...it's socially acceptable
to play dress-up.

The only question is,
who do you wanna be?

There are costumes
to make men feel like boys again...

[RUFUS CHUCKLES]



... or turn little girls into queens.

Jenny, please let me go through
this closet.

There's no room for your new things.

Does this even fit you anymore?

Yes.

Perfectly.

All of it does.

We're 183 on Travelocity,
right behind the Holiday Inn LaGuardia.

Who needs travel sites
with their huddled masses...

...searching the Internet late-night,
trolling for deals?

Without those masses,
I'm at less than 20-percent occupancy.

That's why you should open the club.

Once that's the place to be seen,
you'll be so booked...

...you can turn away
the tasteless tourists in fanny packs.

Now, I was thinking an '80s theme.

Although shoulder pads can be
overwhelming on my delicate frame.

This is a business,
not a high-school party.

I told you I was sorry
for my little transgression...

...and you forgave me.

Now, either make me kiss a girl already,
or let's move on.

I apologize. I've been on edge lately.
With all my liquid assets...

...tied up in this hotel, I have to
make sure everything gets done right.

"Right" for the Chuck Bass I know
means "right now."

People think I'm playing a game,
and they want me to lose.

I have to prove
I'm not just Bart Bass' son.

My impulsive tendencies have no place
in my life as a legitimate businessman.

You know, you're very sexy
when you're legitimate.

Thank you.

I'm late to meet my accountant.

You understand
I have to do this my own way?

Of course.

Mark? I wanna book you
for the opening of a new club.

- All right, I gotta ask, did you bring it?
- Yeah, I got it.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Olivia and I have been dating
for a couple weeks. It's getting serious.

I've waited so long, it's embarrassing.

Yeah, sure, but once you go there,
you can't go back.

Believe me, I know. I know.
I really think I'm ready.

Oh, okay. Enjoy, man.
Six hours of pleasure.

[DAN GROANS]

You think the sight of Olivia
in fake fangs reciting stilted dialogue...

...is gonna be a deal breaker?
- Oh, the dialogue's awesome.

It's the part without the talking
that's the problem.

I think I can handle
some PG-13 bloodsucking. Come on.

Seriously, man,
do you not get Internet here in Brooklyn?

Okay, Patrick Roberts...

...who plays her vampire costar,
was her boyfriend the whole time...

...they were shooting this.
All the blogs said they got really into it...

...and started doing it for real. Like
sex-tape-on-the-cutting-room-floor real.

The most disturbing part is that you've
been reading Endless Knights blogs.

[SPUTTERS]

I know you think you're okay with it,
but you don't wanna watch...

...your girlfriend with another guy.
I mean, comparing looks and noises.

I don't...
I have no idea if she makes noises.

We haven't gotten to the noises stage.
Although we do have plans tomorrow.

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

Hold on a second. Maybe this is her.

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted:
One star with her hand in the cookie jar.

Even Perez Hilton knows our Lonely Boy
is going to be getting a Halloween treat.

KC:
What the hell is this?

It looks like Olivia's picking up
some free...

I know what she's doing.
I wanna know why.

I assume it's because...

...she wants to practice safe sex.
- She shouldn't be practicing anything...

...without Patrick Roberts,
who's in Toronto.

This obviously means you didn't
take care of the Dan Humphrey situation.

It's not a situation, it's a relationship.
They're very happy together.

Well, since I'm not a couples counselor,
their happiness is irrelevant.

Serena, without Endless Knights,
Patrick is on the road to Mark Hamillhood.

The guy from Star Wars
that's not Harrison Ford?

Not dating Olivia is the nail
in Patrick's culturally relevant coffin.

And I'm not being ironic
about vampire movies.

I'm sorry about Patrick, but if you want
Dan and Olivia to break up...

...that's something you're gonna
have to do yourself.

Olivia's trying to be a real girl
and not taking my calls.

So I suggest you make yourself useful,
unless, of course, you see yourself...

...delivering James Franco's underwear
for the rest of your life.

He needs them by noon.

I'll be in my office.

[SIGHS]

So Rufus asked my size this morning.
Does this mean I'm getting a flannel?

- No. He's just a costume enthusiast.
- Oh.

He likes Halloween more than Christmas
and his birthday. We have to find a party...

...otherwise he's gonna make us hand
out candy dressed as the Octobabies.

Uh, speaking of creepy
social anomalies...

The last time you handed her the yogurt,
there was a spoonful missing.

Hmm. Time to get to work
ruling the kingdom.

- You look queentastic.
- Thank you.

- And your yogurt with almonds.
- It's all there. I checked.

Are there skins on these almonds?

Fix it, and in a timely fashion,
otherwise you're all going as...

...The Real Housewives of New Jersey
for Halloween.

Even if there are other Dillingers...

...none of them will have one
of Johnny's actual suits from the movie.

Jenny. You should come
to the Village with us.

Uh, yeah.
What are you guys doing sitting up here?

The birds decided to use our usual place
as a restroom.

Oh, gross.

Um... Would you guys mind
moving down a couple steps?

No one's supposed to sit higher than me.
If the girls see you here, they're gonna...

...take it as a sign of weakness.
- We get it.

You can't lead if no one thinks
they have to follow. It's cool.

Thank you.

- Not you.
- Hello, Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Looks like Jenny, sounds like Jenny,
is really a dark, power-hungry monster.

Oh, come on. She's still the same Jenny.
She has to wear the mask for school.

That mask is becoming her face.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING
ON COMPUTER]

[SIGHS]

[BOTH PANTING]

- Is she actually levitating?
- I'm pretty sure that's green screen.

Is their acting this good
in the rest of the movie?

Look at the way she's looking at him.
That's love. That's definitely love.

- And lust. And gratitude.
- Dude, it's an orgasm.

Yeah.

I mean, pshh, it's completely
understandable why you're freaking out.

No, I'm not freaking out. I'm just...

- You know, I'm processing this.
- Yeah.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, it's Olivia.

[COUGHING]

Oh, hey.

Yeah, no, I just...
I got this thing. It's like a flu. L...

Can I call you in a couple days?

[SNIFFS THEN GRUNTS]

Okay. All right. Bye.

[NATE CHUCKLING]

Mark Ronson is on hold, and I left word
for the mixologist from Milk & Honey.

Chuck didn't wanna open
his club till after the holidays.

That's what he says.
He also says he wants to do it his way.

But that will change, like it always does,
when he sees my plan.

I don't know, B. I tried to help Carter,
and that just drove him away.

KC's yelling at me all the time,
and I don't have time to think about it.

[PHONE RINGING]

This is probably her calling now saying
there's not enough chai in her chai latte.

- Hello?
- Are you alone?

Chuck, hey.

[WHISPERS]
"Am I alone?"

It's obviously about a gift.

CHUCK [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]:
Serena?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Yes, hi. I'm here. Sorry.

Hotels that don't book
over the holiday season...

...don't make it to the next.

I'm sorry.
Do you want me to call my mom...

...see if Bass Industries can help?

I don't want Bass help. I want a publicist.

Okay, great. Well, I'll call Cond? Nast
and Tablet Hotels right away.

No. I no longer have time
for the establishment to accept me.

I need them to come begging.

I wanna open my club tomorrow,
Halloween.

[WHISPERS]
See? My idea.

SERENA [OVER PHONE]:
Okay, tomorrow, absolutely.

And, Serena...

...I don't want Blair anywhere near this.

Okay, bye.

[DIAL TONE ON PHONE]

I'm sorry.

Clearly, Chuck hasn't forgiven you.

GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like someone's
ghosts of tricks past...

... have come back
to haunt this Halloween.

What's up, D? You're the man.

INSPECTOR:
Everything else looks good here, Mr. Bass.

Thank you for moving so quickly.
I'm glad everything's up to code.

"Up to code"? Wow, not words
I'd usually associate with Chuck Bass.

What can I tell you?
It's the dawning of a new age.

NATE:
Mm.

- Moonshine martini.
- With a callback to the old.

NATE: Ha, ha.
CHUCK: Mm.

- This is perfect.
- Thank you.

A speakeasy. What could be more timely?

A place to escape the modern world
and violate its rules.

- Legally, of course.
- I'm surprised Blair isn't here.

- What, are you guys in another fight?
- A fight implies time and energy.

This is more of an ongoing
detached distrust.

I can't believe he chose you over me.

I'm gonna ignore that.
I know you're upset.

Can you please keep your voice down?

I can prove myself to KC
if she doesn't find out about this party...

...until after I make it amazing.
She'll try to take it away.

It's not like Chuck hasn't kissed a guy.
He said so himself.

Did it ever occur to you
that maybe it's not about the kiss?

Your game is based on trust,
and you broke his.

What do you call
him pretending he's not mad at me?

That is the most untrustworthy thing.

I'm going to demand he let me help him.

Blair, I know this is hard to hear,
but maybe today is not about you.

Chuck has 24 hours
to create something from scratch.

[PHONE RINGING]

His liquor license
hasn't even cleared yet.

Hi.

No, I already faxed the permit to control
the sidewalk in front of Gimlet.

Yes.

I know Chuck
is anti-everything Bart Bass...

...but his father must've had
a better way to get these things done.

Have you even been listening
to anything I've been saying to you?

Yes. This is not about me.
It is about Chuck.

So I'm going home.

Hey. Vanya has a package
you need to sign for.

Who would possibly send all this candy?

Oh, this is not package.
This is package.

This is for the trick-or-treaters.

Oh, I had no idea you would get
all of this, or I would've called you.

Charles invited us to his club opening,
and I wanna go be supportive.

I'm sure Vanya would love
to take all of this candy.

- We're not going to that club opening.
- But I already got costumes.

You tell me
I shouldn't embarrass the kids.

You wanted us all
to dress up like The Ramones.

- Well, Jenny would make a great Joey.
- This is a Prohibition party.

Classy. Elegant.

There's nothing classy about
being at a party with your parents.

We can dress up and pass out candy.

Sorry about that, Vanya.

Sorry not to me. Sorry to Mr. Rufus
when he sees no trick-or-treaters...

...come into this building.

[WHISPERS]
I know. He just seemed so happy.

I couldn't bear
to take his candy away yet.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Not bad, but it's Prohibition,
not Last of the Mohicans.

Lose the feathers.

You think that's the same Jenny
who took the bus from Brooklyn?

If you don't believe me,
just go talk to her about it.

I've got a better idea.

Did you make your own costume, Jenny?

No. It's vintage. Gaultier.

No way.

- What's your problem?
- Him.

No one's allowed to sit higher than you.

Hey, Jenny.

Jonathan,
you know you can't sit up here.

- Are you disobeying a direct order?
- Sorry. Pigeons. Ha, ha.

- Bird poop is not our problem.
- You have to sit somewhere else.

Jenny, come on, what's gonna happen...

...if we hang out here
for a couple minutes?

Girls.

[KNOCKING]

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

- Wow. Looks like you're feeling a lot better.
- Yeah, thank you.

Um, yeah, it was... You know,
it was just one of those 24-hour things.

It was kind of weird.

Dan, if this is about
that cookie-jar photo...

- lf you're not ready, I understand...
- Ready? No, I love that picture of you.

It's so flattering.

And who can resist free gifts
and shiny wrappers?

[CHUCKLES]

- Did you watch that?
- What?

Okay, so it's not about
the cookie-jar photo.

- You think that I'm a bad actress.
- What? No, no, no.

- I wouldn't say "bad."
- Which scene was it?

Was it where I sucked
that wolfman's blood?

Because that was a dummy wolfman...

...and it's really hard
to play with a dummy.

[PATRICK PANTING ON COMPUTER]

Oh.

So "flu" as in Patrick Roberts flu?

Look, he made you levitate.

Dan.

That's all acting.

Well, reigning blog opinion
seems to be...

...that acting with your boyfriend
without clothes on, it's...

You know, it's a sex tape.

Well, what the blogs don't know
is that Patrick was never my boyfriend.

Our whole relationship
was strictly for publicity.

- Oh.
- Mm.

Have I ever told you
what a great actress you are?

Listen, I never had feelings for Patrick
like I do for you, okay?

So can we please get back
to somewhat normal?

Yeah, yeah. Only if you promise
to show me your free gifts.

Mm. We can explore all of my
Health Center acquisitions tonight...

...after Chuck's club opening.

- Let me let Serena know we're coming.
- Okay.

Why is MK bringing two guests
to some Gimlet club opening?

L... I know you wanted me
to make myself useful.

I'm sorry, I wanted to surprise you.

By stealing my client list?

Pack your things.

KC, wait. I only did this
because I was trying to get...

...Olivia and Patrick back together
like you wanted.

Olivia is coming tonight.
All you have to do is fly Patrick in. Look.

Olivia's coming alone?

Yeah.

- This better work.
- I promise it will.

In the future, the only surprises
I appreciate are cash and gifts.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

This is Chuck Bass again
regarding the status of my liquor license.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Voicemail again, huh?

With clubs closing all over the city...

...it would be in their interest
to expedite things.

The interest those people understand...

...comes in envelopes
full of unmarked bills.

I seriously hope you're not thinking
about opening without a license.

No, I'm considering what my father
would do in this situation...

...and trying to find
a suitable alternative.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

This is Chuck Bass.

MAN [OVER PHONE]: Frank Bennett,
from the ABC returning your call.

I wanted to let you know
your liquor license has been approved.

Effective immediately?

MAN:
Ha, ha. I'll deliver it myself later today.

Thank you very much, Mr. Bennett.

You see that, Horace?
Victory without deceit.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Seems like little Chuck finally stepped out...

... from Big Bad Bart's shadow.

Too bad his girlfriend's
still playing on the dark side.

What do you think?
Does it play without the other Ramones?

I was gonna do lggy,
but I thought I might scare the children.

Well, not that I don't enjoy you
shirtless and in eyeliner...

...but you made the right choice.

I don't want you
to get your hopes up too high.

I know the kids care
more about the candy...

...but I think they appreciate the effort.

Rufus,
I know this is important to you...

...but I can't remember the last time
we had trick-or-treaters here.

No one thinks you're home.
But I told them we'd be here.

They seemed excited, except for
that guy who never makes eye contact.

It's hard to tell what he's feeling.

[ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

- Oh, Eric, my darling, are you sick?
- I'm not sick.

Then what are you doing home so early?
Did something happen?

Ask Jenny.

[SIGHS]

I'll handle this one.

[DOROTA LAUGHING]

Oh, I don't like the tickle.

Dorota, when I get you a gift,
the least you can do is enjoy it.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Chuck, my goodness.

When you are mad at Miss Blair,
Dorota is very tired...

...and has to have the foot bothering
and never sees Vanya or movies...

Dorota, that will be enough for today.

[SPEAKS IN KOREAN]

Is it safe to assume this signals
the end of my community-service hours?

I wanted to apologize.

Last week's incident took
longer than anticipated to move past.

But as tonight's all about
new beginnings...

...I wanted to put that behind us...

...and make things right.

With gifts?

I assume word reached you
of my club opening this evening?

It was never my intention
to leave you out...

...I just needed to create it on my own,
as a legitimate businessman.

BLAIR:
It's beautiful.

- I love it.
- Good.

Serena, tell Dan he should be a musician,
not a gangster.

- You have no street cred.
DAN: I'm offended.

Once in fourth grade
I had to miss recess...

...because I purposely broke
the rules of grammar.

[TOY GUN RATTLES
AND OLIVIA CHUCKLES]

I think Dan'll look fine
whatever he wears.

Serena doesn't have an opinion
on wardrobe?

- This isn't right.
SERENA & OLIVIA: Ha, ha.

Look, KC wants you guys to break up.

Yeah, I know, and that's why
I'm not returning her phone calls.

Did she seriously send you here
to do that?

I didn't come because
I want you guys to break up.

I came because I have found
a compromise...

...that will get her
off your backs and mine.

I hope it's firing KC.

Patrick is coming for the Gimlet opening.

He's already on a plane.

I don't like this. I have a gun.

I can get KC the publicity bump
she's looking for...

...if you're willing
to walk the red carpet with him.

Just act like you guys are still together.

Well, no. Right?

It's one night.

I'll do it.

Okay. Dan, I'll leave your name
at the back door...

...so you guys can meet up
after the cameras.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

You want me to pretend
that we're not together?

No, it's just... It's just for the cameras.

Sometimes this is the way
the business works.

Our relationship isn't business.
I don't understand...

...why you would wanna go somewhere
with your fake boyfriend.

Dan, I'm sorry.

And I hope you'll come
and meet me inside tonight.

I don't know why he's blaming me.
I can't control every girl at school.

Oh, Jenny, you and I both know
that that's not true.

[LILY SIGHS]

You may not have done the deed,
but I suspect you gave the order.

- He sat above me on The Steps.
- Hmm.

That must have put you
in a very difficult position.

Yeah, and he did it on purpose.
He knew that I'd have no choice.

Lily, please.

My dad would never understand
and you know these girls.

I had to do something.

Yes.

Just like I have to do something now.

But you gave us permission
to go to Chuck's tonight...

Well, and you can, as long as
Eric still wants to go with you.

You make sure
that your so-called friends...

...apologize to him when he gets there.

Ahh. Fine.

CHUCK:
Horace, put this up behind the bar.

Thank you for taking care
of this promptly.

It's my pleasure.
I'm always happy to help out Jack Bass.

Are you ready to open the cornerstone
of the new Chuck Bass empire?

You decided this was the way
to impress KC?

What?

- Chuck, I would never call Jack.
CHUCK: You might convince me...

...if you weren't the only one
who knew about the problem.

Blair.

Blair, did you call Jack?

[BLAIR SPUTTERS]

Well, you have the liquor license.

What does it matter
who called who to get it?

Jack is the last person
I would call for help.

You're still mad from before.
It's clouding your judgment.

This isn't about last week.
It's about you, Blair.

It's the reason why I couldn't
say "I love you."

It's not a game.

I knew I couldn't trust you.

I did this because I love you.

Be that as it may...

...I have a club to open...

...and you're no longer invited.

Fine.

S, come on. We're leaving.

Blair, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna stay with Chuck.

[SCOFFS]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

You're alone, Nate?

What, you don't have any friends left
to screw over?

Oh, well, at least I'm on the list
and not working the door.

Text me when Patrick arrives.

I thought you said
this was an exclusive party.

Eric's over there on the phone.

Uh... Yeah, he ratted me out to our parents,
so now I have to be nice to him.

- At least to his face.
- Sounds like you have a plan.

I do, and one that won't
get me caught this time.

Follow me.

[ELEGANT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

It's a queen's job to protect her king.

Chuck should be thanking me
for making his club possible...

...not treating me like some pawn.

It's hard to love a powerful man.

You think I'm trustworthy, don't you?

Of course, Miss Blair.

Knight to Queen 7.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Tell those pathetic trick-or-treaters
there's no prepackaged joy for them.

DOROTA:
Thank you.

See? I knew he would
come to his senses.

I told you this wasn't my fault.

What does Mr. Chuck say?

They're not from Mr. Chuck.

Dress, now.

Here you go, Mr. Policeman,
and here you go, Mr. Fireman...

...and, uh, Lady Gaga.
Wow, you kids look terrific.

Thank you. They're perfect.

Come on, kids. Let's go. Come.

LILY: Thank you.
RUFUS: Happy Halloween.

[ALBERT HAMMOND, JR.
PLAYING "IN TRANSIT"]

[SINGING]
Free from it all

I'm not gonna change

Till I want to

Free from it all

Just give me a minute.

Your powers of disguise
have fallen off a bit.

- I know you don't wanna see me.
- Then what are you doing here?

I have more important things
to deal with than your surprises.

I came to apologize.

I was trying to help you
so you would see you needed me...

...that we make a good team.

But you were right not to trust me.

I ruined everything.

Heartfelt. Earnest.

Let me guess.

You found out the liquor license
you so thoughtfully procured was a fake.

You...? You already knew?

Did Jack send you flowers too?

I don't need condolence flowers.
I know Jack Bass.

If you know,
then why is the club still open?

If the cops show up...

You probably don't wanna hear this,
but I have an idea.

I've already made the call.

I'll take care of the paparazzi.

Blair, we still have things to discuss.

I know.

ALBERT HAMMOND, JR. [SINGING]:
I'm not gonna change

Till I want to

[SNICKERS]

If you got it, you got it, right? Heh.

You do not got it.

You wanna sit?

I'm sorry you had to sit down
with my mom.

Yeah.

She clearly has some experience
in queendom.

I'd take a run-in at The Steps with you
over her any day.

Can we agree not to say
the words "steps" anymore?

I'd like nothing better.

[CHUCKLES]

- Without Jonathan here, I know no one.
- Yeah, me neither.

Where are all your handmaidens?

[SINGING]
I went too far

Oh, that's all I've got to say

- Happy Halloween.
- Happy Halloween.

[GIRLS LAUGH]

[RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING]

KC:
Serena.

Oh, Patrick, hey.

I'm so glad you finally made it.
I'm Serena.

Wow.

If I'd known what you looked like...

...I would've kept you on the phone
longer when I called.

Enough chitchat. Where's Olivia?
We need this picture.

I just saw her.

What the hell is he doing here?

I'm so happy that you're here.

I'm not going down
to a fake boyfriend without a fight.

[GIGGLES]

Come on.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

It's not what it looks like.
Let me just go talk to them. Chuck.

Excuse me, Serena.

[SIRENS WAILING OUTSIDE]

These gentlemen are here
to close down my club.

GOSSIP GIRL: And the Best Costume award
goes to New York's finest.

This party is a bust.

POLICEMAN 1:
What have we got here?

That's it. Shut it down.

POLICEMAN 2: Let's move.
- Party's over.

- Come on, ladies, move it.
- I'm sorry.

POLICEMAN 2:
Let's move, people.

[CROWD WHINING]

POLICEMAN 3:
I know.

Let's go, guys.

POLICEMAN 4:
You gotta give me that drink right now.

SERENA:
Chuck.

You might wanna try to stop the police.

Why would I stop them?

I called them.

Why would he have his own club raided?

Once we found out
the license was fake...

...we could either wait for Jack
to call ABC to take us down...

...or we could take control
and call the police to blow up the party.

For a night that no one
would ever forget.

Brilliant, isn't it?

This was your idea?

Well, it was both of ours.

You see, S, we belong together.

Okay, well, KC blames
this whole thing on me.

Now I have to go get
my clients out of here...

...before they get mugshots
or TMZ videos.

You could try to go through the hotel.

Thank you.

But there's probably
paparazzi out there too.

I'm sorry, S,
but Chuck's hotel needed this.

Without your celebrities,
we're buried in the City section.

- Now we're front-page news.
SERENA: Why would you do this to me?

You knew how important it was
for me to prove myself to KC.

I remember when you chose Chuck.

Now I did too.

RUFUS:
Bye. Happy Halloween.

What I tell you?
Just had to put the word out.

Once these kids tell their friends,
we'll get at least a hundred next year.

- A hundred? Rufus, I hope you d...
- I'm just teasing you.

You got the perfect number.

How did you figure it out?

Well, after the third time
I heard "a?i?"...

...I realized it wasn't a sneeze.
It's "thank you" in Lithuanian.

Lady Gaga forgot to change her hair
when she came back as Taylor Swift.

I didn't want you to feel you had to
leave traditions in Brooklyn.

And I love you for that.

But, why don't we start
some of our own traditions?

How about some
grown-up trick-or-treating?

All right, but I draw the line
at door to door.

I was just thinking of one door.

POLICEMAN 1:
Let's go, ladies.

[WOMEN LAUGH]

You know, we should probably
get out there eventually.

I know.

Um... There's something that I...

Dan, um...

Patrick wasn't my fake boyfriend.

- What?
- I know. Um...

I lied because I care about you.

And I did not want you
to compare yourself...

...to some perfectly lit,
heavily edited performance.

And what about tonight?
Why get photographed with him?

When I ended things with Patrick...

...I broke his heart.

And with no more
Endless Knights movies...

...his career just kind of stalled.

You don't think that was because of
the Bruce Jenner biopic?

I mean, that was...

[BOTH LAUGH]

Dan, my plan was
to tell him afterwards...

...that the only person
I wanna kiss here tonight is you.

- Okay?
- Okay.

You really need to work on your timing.

Actually, my timing is perfect. Follow me.

Come on, I'll explain. Hurry.

Okay.

Sorry I interrupted. Um...

Now is probably a good time
to get that kiss.

Ooh.

I could use a real one
before we go out there.

Look, it's Olivia Burke
kissing her boyfriend Dan Humphrey.

[PAPARAZZI CHATTERING]

- Heh.
- Are you okay with this?

Yeah.

PAPARAZZO 1: Olivia, if you're dating
this guy, who's dating Patrick Roberts?

I am.

[OLIVIA CHUCKLES]

PAPARAZZO 2:
All right.

PAPARAZZO 3:
Patrick!

GOSSIP GIRL:
You really proved yourself with this one, S.

Looks like your work troubles
have just turned into a labor of love.

[RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHATTERING
AND LAUGHING INSIDE]

Perez Hilton drew tears on his own photo
because he wasn't there.

Have you heard from the hotel?

Blowing up the club
exploded our online reservations.

We're already up 50 percent.

Now do you see I'm trustworthy again?

Blair, you and I both know
you'll never be completely trustworthy.

And I admit,
it's not my strong suit either.

It's part of what keeps things
interesting between us.

And why we make a great team.

No. In order to be a team...

...we need to focus our duplicity
on others.

But what if it's my way
of showing you I love you?

- Well, I can think of better ways.
- Oh.

So I can handle being in the
"She's Dating Him" page of In Touch...

...if you can handle
not having a fake boyfriend.

Mm. I couldn't be any happier
with my real boyfriend.

Actually, that's not true.

- I could be a little happier.
- Is Vanessa still at...

...her sister's gig in Albany?
- Yes.

Oh, well,
I'm feeling a little happier already.

Just to confirm, that levitation thing
was just a special effect, right?

Mm. There's only one way to find out.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Hi.

I guess that means
you heard about Jonathan.

Guess it does.

I wanted to call it off.

But those girls see me hesitate,
I have a rebellion on my hands.

You could have warned Jonathan.

Everyone gets egged on Halloween.

You didn't.

You know I have to act this way
about school stuff.

But I'm still your friend.
I'm still your sister.

We just can't let the worlds
get confused.

I'm not confused.

I want nothing to do with you
in either world.

I'm sorry about your purse
getting locked in the club...

...and the police showing up.

And Dan and Olivia kissing.

You did fine.

You got my clients photographed
at the hottest party of the year.

Patrick got more attention than he's had
since Olivia dumped him.

As long as you get my purse back,
your job is safe.

- Thank you.
- And, Serena, that job now includes...

...publicly dating Patrick.
- I don't know if I'd call that work, heh.

Get back to me after date two.

[HORACE CHUCKLES]

It's a damn shame.

Sometimes the best ones
are just too hot not to burn out.

In this case, Horace,
this is just the first match.

Mm. ABC won't let you get another license
for at least six months.

From what I recall...

...speakeasies were built
on finding ways around liquor regulation.

[CHUCKLES]

You talking about a secret-password
type of establishment?

I'm thinking keys.

Mm.

An ambassador program,
like they have at The Gates.

Keep the lock on the front door...

...come in through the back.

Your father would be proud of you.

In the best way.

Hey, S.

I just came to find KC's purse.

Hey, how would you like to be
the publicist of a "members only" club...

...so exclusive it makes the Soho House
look like one of those...

...dirty public schools
with numbers for a name?

Come on, it'll be amazing.

Blair, I would never work for you.

I'm giving you a chance to leave
that wannabe before you get run over.

You don't get it.

KC can be a bitch
because she's my boss.

You're supposed to be my friend.

Chuck might forgive you, but I don't.

GOSSIP GIRL: Like all good things,
the witching hour must come to an end.

True natures are revealed.

Tricks turn into treats.

And taking off costumes
is as much fun as putting them on.

Everything returns to the way it was.

Except for little girls who forget
that Halloween only lasts one night.

They wear their costumes for so long...

... pretty soon, they can't even remember
who they were before they put them on.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.

[ENGLISH - US - SDH]