Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 2, Episode 2 - Never Been Marcused - full transcript

GOSSIP GIRL: Gossip Girl here,
your one and only source...

...into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

Waiting for you in Tuscany the first
few days were mildly humiliating.

But when I realized
you weren't gonna show, I rallied.

Luckily I made a friend
on the trip over.

My name is actually Marcus Beaton.
I'm British. And a lord.

Please don't leave with him.

You're telling me you didn't have fun
with anyone all summer?

I don't think I'm ready.
I still miss Dan sometimes.

DAN: I've been trying to distract myself
the best I can.

I was hoping, when I saw you, I would
know that we did the right thing.



But I don't feel that way.
I don't feel that way at all.

What about those rumors
about you and Nate?

Completely untrue. They got people
off my back about being sad.

Nate could do whatever he wanted.

You told me your secret girlfriend
was older, I thought you meant college.

Not to mention Catherine's married.

I just wish I could make her
feel as badly as I feel now.

You totally can.

CATHERINE: I can't believe you'd try to
make me jealous in front of my husband.

- Well, did it work?
- Completely.

DAN: I haven't been able to
get you out of my head all summer.

GIRL:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.



You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL:
As summer comes to an end...

...I'd like to share a few things
I've learned about fun in the sun.

Gossip Girl's Guide to Summer,
tip number one:

Don't fall asleep on the job.

The best hookups
are free of morning breath...

...and awkward conversation.

The only thing harder than making up
is waking up.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Morning.

What?

I'm sorry, I'm just a little...

- Overwhelmed?
- Confused.

- Last night was...
- It was amazing.

And confusing.

Okay. Now I'm a little confused.

Well, it was so romantic,
what you did, showing up here...

...and it feels so right to be together.

But you're having second thoughts.

No, I just think that we should think
before we get back together. Right?

Yeah. I mean, I thought this meant
we were back together.

SERENA:
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- No, you're not.

No, I'm not. At all.

And neither am I,
and I wanna keep it that way.

But this is a big decision,
and we did break up for a reason.

Many reasons.

But this was never our problem.

Okay. I will see you back in the city.

Fully clothed,
with lots of people around.

- Okay?
- Okay.

We'll talk.

Yeah, about our problems.

That sounds great.

GOSSIP GIRL: Summer tip number two:
There is no "we" in "summer"...

...only "U" and "me."

Find out where you stand
before you find yourself stood up.

Anyone can canoodle in July and August,
but will he be gone by September?

- So, what's next?
- I was thinking breakfast.

A little French toast, some coffee.

No. I mean, since you don't go
to Princeton or Georgetown...

...I assume you're not
headed back to college.

So where are you headed?
Are you staying here?

Would it be too forward of me
to say I'll go wherever you go?

I'd be honored, milord.

Blair, you don't have to call me that.
In fact, you shouldn't.

I know, don't worry. I was up all night
reading Debrett's Peerage.

I'm well versed in your lordly ways,
and I'm ready to meet the queen.

Which I also watched on DVD, BTW.

I can see that you are quite prepared.

As you've probably guessed,
I have to get back to the city.

Senior year awaits.

Let me think. A beautiful girl,
autumn in New York...

- I could find a way to entertain myself.
- Really?

Absolutely.

My family will be glad
I'm staying in one place for a while.

Oh, your family.
I'd love to meet the duke and duchess.

The duchess. Right. Well, we'll see.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

Things are going south
with Lord Marcus.

- Who's Lord Marcus?
- James.

Turns out that he was only pretending
to be a commoner.

It's like Roman Holiday...

...only I'm Gregory Peck
and he's Audrey Hepburn.

Oh, suddenly it's all so clear.

He's not really a college student.
He's a lord, and I love him.

Okay. I'm gonna take your word for it.
But, Blair, love?

Like, very much.

And not just because Tom Hanks
gave him a Kleenex at Lady Di's funeral.

And you really expect me to believe
this isn't all about revenge on Chuck?

Revenge is so 12 hours ago.
And just because Marcus...

...happens to be
the perfect post-Bass palette cleanser...

...doesn't mean he isn't a delicious dish
in his own right.

Okay, so it sounds like
you guys are soul mates.

- What exactly is the problem?
- He's being vague about the future.

- Marcus. Hey.
- Hello, Chuck.

I was just getting something to eat.
Do you mind if I join you?

I do, yes. I'm dining with Blair.

And I feel I should tell you...
I know you two have a history.

Around here, who doesn't?
But you're with Blair now.

I get that.
There's no reason we can't be civil.

After all, isn't that a trait your people
pride themselves on?

Right.

Well, for England, then.

- Shall we?
- We shall.

But you just found out
this guy's real identity.

It's a little soon to be worrying about
the rest of your lives.

But not the rest of the year.

It's the season for flings,
tennis pros and townies.

I'm his secret summer shame.

Blair Waldorf, a fling.
You're not exactly low maintenance.

Speaking of,
where were you last night?

The lifeguard turn up at the party,
or did you find another disposable...?

Sorry, Blair.

- I have to go.
- Wait, Serena.

Hi.

- I thought you were gonna take the train.
- I thought you were gonna...

- Yeah.
- But you're taking the Jitney. Me too.

I was gonna use that downtime to do
some of the thinking we talked about.

And you should.

You know, just because
we're not gonna make out...

...doesn't mean we have to
totally avoid each other.

Yeah, right.
Well, it's not like we're animals.

I think we can share the same bus
without running off together.

- I'm gonna sit over here.
- I'll be here.

CHUCK: And that's me.
- Fantastic. I'll call you.

CHUCK: Please. And...
- Chuck. What are you doing in my chair?

We've got a date to play squash
at Chuck's father's club.

- Charles, sidebar.
- Actually, we weren't finished.

Notice how my voice didn't go up
at the end? Not a question.

Squash? I'll squash you.

- It's just a game, Blair.
- It's not to me, Basshole.

- I like him.
- And so do I.

And apparently
he doesn't have too many friends.

Chuck just informed me that he
and Serena are leaving immediately.

Do you think I could catch a ride
back into town with you?

Of course.

Hey, Mom.
It's looking really nice out here.

Thanks. I couldn't sleep,
so I got up early.

- You going somewhere?
- Gonna head back into the city, actually.

- Still a few more days of vacation.
- Yeah, I know.

I figured it'd be good to get back in
and settled before school starts.

I mean, Louisa's at the house, right?
It's not a big deal.

No.

I haven't wanted to tell you this,
but you're going to find out soon.

Find out what?

The federal prosecutor
has taken your father's leaving town...

...as an admission of guilt.

They wanna forfeit our assets
for restitution.

- They wanna take our money?
- Well, not yet.

But they have frozen our accounts.

And now they're making an inventory
of everything that we own.

I asked your granddad for help.

- You told Grandpa?
- Not that it did any good.

As you can imagine, he's not very happy
with my role in your father's departure.

For the time being, at least,
I've been cut off.

I can't believe you knew
and didn't say anything.

All summer I kept hoping I could
make it go away, and maybe I still can.

I need you to keep your chin up and
trust that your mother's got this handled.

No, when he left,
Dad told me to take care of you.

And you are.
Nate, let's not fight about this, please?

[PHONE RINGING]

GOSSIP GIRL: Tip number three:
Take time to smell the flowers.

I gotta go.
Let's talk about this later, okay?

GOSSIP GIRL: It's true that all good things
must come to an end...

...and August is no exception.

They don't call it "fall" for nothing.

NATE [RECORDING]: Hey, this is Nate.
Please leave a message.

Nate, it's Catherine.
Listen, last night was not smart.

In fact, it was very, very stupid.

Which is why we're
gonna have to be more clever...

...when we get back to the city.

Call me when you get this.

[PHONE RINGS]

Darling.

Duchess. You weren't home
when I packed up.

Just wanted to say goodbye
to you and Dad before I left.

Your father's in Boston till tomorrow,
but I'm sure he sends his love.

I'll see you in the city for dinner?
I wanna hear all about your summer.

And me yours.

See you then.

Manhattan, here we come.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Cheers to that, Blair.

Nothing says "welcome home"
like a bottle of bubbly.

BLAIR:
Ready?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And a scandal bubbling.

[ROCK MUSIC BLARING
ON HEADPHONES]

Sorry.

I'm done reading my magazine,
and I know that you like...

...the music reviews,
so if you wanna read it, you can.

Thank you.

- Want one?
- No, thanks, I'm good.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

So, what are your plans later?

I mean, besides racket sports
with your new friend Chuck.

Well, the duchess
was hoping we'd get dinner.

Dinner? I'd love to have dinner
with your mother.

Oh, she's my stepmother, actually.

Not that this makes her
an any less forceful presence in my life.

But I meant we are having dinner,
she and I.

We haven't seen each other
much all summer, so...

Of course. I understand.

It's just you'll be missing my big party.

You're having a party?

I can't believe I didn't mention it.

Every year I have a big " welcome back
to the city" party for all my friends.

It's only my favorite event of the year.

Then I'll tell the duchess
we'll catch up another time.

You don't have to, but thank you.

No offense, but don't you think
you're a little outmatched?

At squash? I've been playing my father
since the eighth grade.

- How good can Marcus be?
- No, I mean as a guy.

Blair wants to be a princess...

...and your greatest achievement
is owning part of a burlesque club.

Which is why I have to get to know him.
See, no one's that perfect.

Once he's out of the way,
I'll have a clear shot at Blair.

You know it's love when you start
talking like an assassin.

You're jealous of my new best friend.

I have been hoping someone
would tag in for a while now.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

I can't talk right now.
I'll have to call you when I'm home.

If you need to work out the details
of your takedown, don't let me stop you.

You know me well. But it's nothing.

VANESSA: It's still kind of a mess,
but I think you get the idea.

Well?

You're being very quiet.
Is that good quiet or bad quiet?

- Come on, I'm freaking out.
- I'm freaking out.

This place is amazing.

- People might actually come here.
- That's the idea.

When I talked about converting
our storage space into a caf?...

...I was thinking of a folding table
and a coffeemaker.

Vanessa, thank you.

This is a great homecoming present.
It's exactly what I needed.

What you needed for what?
Aren't you happy to be home?

Yeah, of course.

I can't wait till the kids get back from
the Hamptons. I miss them like crazy.

And they miss you too, but...?

No buts.
I had a great time this summer.

I'd forgotten what it was like
to be on the road...

...performing for a live audience
night after night.

And now that you remember?

I'm grateful for the memory.

Now, does this place
actually serve coffee, or what?

Yes, it does.

To go, please.
I need to head downtown.

One house blend on the house.

MAN:
See what else you can find upstairs.

NATE: Excuse me.
- You Nate Archibald?

Yeah, since this is my house,
how about I ask the questions?

Don't worry. Your family's lawyer
is upstairs, supervising.

Supervising what, exactly?

Us. We've moved into your house...

...and we're going through
every single thing your family owns.

Wow, you're actually enjoying this,
aren't you?

Look, no one wants to hold a yard sale.
We want your father locked up.

No, we already told the prosecutors,
we don't know where he is.

- That's too bad.
- We'll deal with it.

Maybe you will.

But after spending so much time
in your mom's closet...

...I feel like I know the lady.

I don't think she'll adjust so well.

CATHERINE [RECORDING]:
Hi, it's Catherine. Leave a message.

Hey, it's me. Listen.

I really need to talk to someone, so...

I need to talk to you.
So if you'd call me, please.

Something tells me
you're off your game.

- Anything I can help with?
- Oh, no one can help.

You sure?

Well, it's the duchess.
You know how it is.

Tell me.

No one's ever good enough.

I've dated a lot of top-flight girls,
and she always sends them running.

It's like she gets inside their head,
figures out their worst fears, and just...

Ruthlessly exploits that fear.
That's rough.

Not to mention,
she's completely got my father's ear.

Of course,
Blair's desperate to meet her.

And when Blair sets her mind
on something...

Exactly.

That's the match.

I'd keep at it, but I have to
get ready for Blair's party.

- Party? Right.
- Thanks, Chuck.

We should do this again.
See you at the Hudson?

Perfect. And there was a problem
with your cell earlier.

Why don't I get your home number?

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted: Chuck Bass
putting his new BFF on speed dial.

Is it the beginning
of a beautiful bromance?

- That was a good match.
- You nearly had me.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Or the end of Blair's bid to be British?

Well done, Dorota.
I like what I'm seeing.

Now, make the library the sky terrace,
the ranunculus, dahlias...

...the Veuve Clicquot, Laurent-Perrier,
and we have a party.

Thank you, Miss Blair.

This guest list, however,
is a complete page one.

- But those are your friends.
- Then invite strangers.

I have to present myself
as a crown jewel...

...surrounded by other, smaller,
slightly flawed gems...

...but quality stones nonetheless.

And try to round up some people
who can vote...

...so it doesn't feel
like a total high-school party.

A party at the Hudson, huh?

I got your message.
Since when are you having a party?

Since it became clear that
Marcus does not think I'm worthy...

...of meeting his family.

Obviously,
I have some more work to do.

- B, you don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do.

Marcus dated the descendant
of Princess Grace.

His consort needs to be able
to host royal dinners...

...and hobnob with oligarchs
and dictators.

If you can't find common ground
with a dictator, I don't know who can.

Dan likes soccer, right?
Or football, as Marcus calls it.

- You think it'd be too weird if he came?
- No, not necessarily.

Good. You'll call him.

Wait, so does this mean you actually
think Dan has a redeeming quality?

As long as he knows his arse
from his Arsenal, I think he's aces.

Well, this could be a good opportunity
for us to get together and talk.

- I have been thinking about the breakup.
- What is to think about?

You're finally free from Downer Dan,
and I have my old Serena back.

So come on,
there's lots of work to do.

- Nate.
- Hey. Could I talk to you for a second?

- I'm actually in the middle of something.
- Oh, do you have a girl here?

- What about your devotion to Blair?
- It's not a girl, it's business.

I'm liquidating my shares in Victrola.

Wait, you're selling the club?
But you love that place.

Chuck, if you're trying to impress Blair,
I mean, come on.

What you said in the limo was right.

If I'm gonna compete with this guy,
I have to rise to his level.

But don't you think
that's a little extreme?

Maybe, but given the situation,
it's the right thing to do.

And I should probably get back to it.

The sooner I get it done,
the sooner I can brag to Blair.

Okay. All right. I'll see you.

Hey. Yeah, what's going on?

What are you up to right now?

Is this gonna take long?

I told Mrs. Archibald
we could have it done by tonight.

- Hey. Hey, it's me.
- Hey, you. Did you get my message?

Yeah. And before you say
anything else...

...I just wanna let you know
that this morning on the bus...

Yeah, we didn't exactly
stick to the plan, did we?

Well, no, the plan was deeply flawed.

I think we overestimated our powers
of restraint.

Or I did, at least.

Yeah, me too.
But then I realized something.

- Yeah, me too.
- Really?

Yeah, well...

...I think if we wanna
figure anything out for real...

...you know,
we do need to take some time.

Alone.

Oh.

Sure.

Yeah. But Blair's not gonna like that.

Blair?

Yeah, that's actually why I called.

Your knowledge
of Premier League football...

...is integral to one of her schemes.

- She just wants you to come to a party.
- A party?

Yeah, well, I'll be there.
And I really wanna see you.

Yeah, I guess we can start
with the new plan tomorrow.

You know, they're obviously just trying
to scare us to get us to rat out my dad.

You do know where he is, right?

Yeah, but I couldn't.

Even after everything he's done.

Just had to put it out there.

But if the worst-case scenario
comes true...

...I promise my sister and I
will give your mom some pointers...

...on how to do more with less.

I'd love to see that.

The Salvation Army's having
a bag sale on Saturday.

And Ruby knows this place in the Village
that has two-for-one taco night.

- Stop it.
- It's lesbian-Mexican.

Sometimes her band plays there.

[PHONE RINGING]

Just one second, okay?

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, Nate.

I just wanted to apologize
for scaring you this morning.

It turns out
I was able to fix things after all.

How? You didn't tell them
where Dad is, did you?

Of course not.
I just got a loan from a family friend.

- From who?
- That doesn't matter.

I just find it hard to believe you opened
up to one of the book-club ladies...

...and told them we're broke.

He's not in the book club.
He's outside of my regular circle.

Oh, so you asked someone
you barely know for money?

I didn't ask, he offered.

And when I tried to refuse, he insisted
that it was the right thing to do.

The right thing to do?

You said he's outside of
your regular circle? Is he in mine?

Nate, please stop it. Let me do this.

Okay, fine. I won't bring it up again.

- Everything okay?
- No, actually, it's not.

Look, I gotta go.

I'll come back later tonight,
but I have to find Chuck first.

Oh, look, I forgot to tell you,
the place looks great.

I'm so glad I called you.
I really missed you this summer.

Thanks.

Me too.

Charles Bass?

I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting anyone so young.
Or so beautiful.

Just because I didn't
give birth to Marcus...

...doesn't mean I'm any less interested
in his well-being.

I don't usually take meetings
with children, Charles...

...so, what do you have to say
for yourself?

Plenty.

GOSSIP GIRL: Lordy, lordy, look who's 40.
Or at least a well-preserved 38.

We knew Chuck had a thing
for older women...

...but is this Risky Business
or strictly business?

Wasn't that wonderful?

Thank you, Ingrid and Beatrice.

I'm Ingrid. She's Beatrice.

That's what I said.

- I just love Mozart.
- That wasn't Mozart...

Come, come.

Blair, who are these people?

Dorota invited them.

- No...
- Excuse me.

- Sorry.
BLAIR: Dan. Hi.

Come meet the lord.

Okay. Hello, lord. I'm Dan Humphrey.

Marcus Beaton. Nice to meet you, Dan.
Do you know Serena?

- I do.
- He does.

Dan is a football fanatic.
He's a huge Chelsea fan.

Oh, me too.
I just love the Balenciaga store.

- Freshen your drink?
- Yes, please.

So she actually
refers to him as "the lord"?

Yeah.

I'm so glad you're here.

- Chuck.
- The name's Dan.

No, Chuck's here,
and Blair didn't invite him.

Well, maybe he's her plus one.

- What are you doing here?
- Blair.

That's Nate's... mom's friend.

I have to go. I'll be back.

I thought you might like
to meet my friend.

Why? So she can warn me about
the effects of too much Botox?

Blair, is it?

I'm Duchess Beaton.

- Duchess.
SERENA: The duchess?

Nice to meet you.

A little soon for flowers, no?

Just a few finishing touches.

Much better job
than I could've ever done.

You just weren't here to do it.

Sure, but you were.
How would you like to continue?

Why?

Where have you been all day?

I had a meeting with Tanya Donelly.
She has a college tour coming up.

Another tour?

What do Dan and Jenny think?

Well, before I asked them, I wanted
to see if it was even possible.

Alison's open to coming back
for a while longer...

...but I know that summer's over
and you've got your schoolwork.

Yeah. Home schooling
really ties me up.

Lf, however, you're asking if I don't mind
sticking around while you're away...

...it's not exactly brain surgery.

But are you sure
you wanna leave so soon?

Well, if I'm honest,
I'm not sure what I want.

This was supposed to be my chance
to get it all out of my system.

But I didn't know
how much I missed it.

I'm not done.

Wow. That is honest.

Well, whatever you decide...

...I loved fixing up the place
and I'd be happy to stick around.

Just let me know.

- Thanks.
SERENA: Come on.

If you really like him, just apologize.

What good will it do me now?

Thank you.

BLAIR:
Duchess.

I'm so sorry about what I said
about the Botox.

Your work is flawless.

Look, I know you're here with Chuck.

And I can only imagine
what he's said about me.

Limo sex, the social torture
of freshmen, blackmail.

But I assure you,
there's an explanation for all of it.

Save your breath, Blair.
Chuck didn't tell me a thing.

Oh.

- He didn't?
- He didn't?

I told him not to bother. None of it
makes any difference to me.

Because nothing will change the fact
that despite your best efforts...

...which are completely transparent,
by the way...

...Marcus is never going to end up
with a lowly Waldorf.

Nate.

Hey.

- Nate?
- Catherine?

You two know each other?

No. No, no. Yeah, well,
just from book club this summer.

But that's it. They've had
no other personal contact.

Blair's dating Catherine's stepson.

And, Catherine, Nate's Blair's ex.

GOSSIP GIRL: What's this? Chuck's date
and Blair's date are mother and son...

...and Nate and Blair are exes...

...and Nate and the mother
are in a book club?

Now, there's a novel plot twist.

This party's a complete bust.

- My whole life's a bust.
- Well, it serves you right.

You were scheming to convince
Marcus you're someone you're not.

But my intentions were good.

I really do like him, I just...

As soon as I knew he liked me, I
would've relaxed, dropped the plotting...

...and devoted myself
to being the best girlfriend ever.

See? Thank you. There's my B.

Show this girl to Catherine
and she'll want you to be with Marcus.

This is you. Just be yourself.

She made "Waldorf"
rhyme with "Spears."

I may as well have gone commando and
held my party at Nyla's Burger Basket.

Fine. While you stand here
and feel sorry for yourself...

...and denigrate the fine people
of Kentwood, I'm gonna go find Dan.

Cheer up.

I can't believe you'd do this to me.

Bring the duchess to Blair's party?
What do you care?

No, I know about the money.

Nate.

No, you weren't trying to sell Victrola
to impress Blair.

- You did it to loan my family money?
- Look, you say it like it's a bad thing.

And maybe you were just doing it
to be a friend...

...but I would never let you do that.

You knew that, which is why
you didn't tell me.

Yes, it is. So what?

You go behind my back,
make a deal with my mom?

She called me to see if
I thought you were okay.

I didn't know what
she was talking about.

You didn't tell me
anything was wrong.

I'll tell you what's wrong:
My best friend lying to my face.

Normally I would agree with you.

But for your mom to open up
about something like this...

...don't you think
it has to be pretty bad?

- I'll handle it, okay?
- How?

- Dan, are you leaving?
- I have to get Jenny from the train.

- I didn't know if you were coming back.
- How about coming with you?

Why don't we get out of here?

Who are we kidding?

What do you say we just forget
thinking and follow our hearts?

Are you sure that's your heart
you're following?

Shut up, or I'll change my mind.

Hey, clearly there are other forces
at work in the universe.

Forces much more powerful than us.

- I'm glad we had this little talk.
- Oh, are you two back together, or...?

- No, this is just a friendly...
- Kiss, yeah.

DAN:
Mm-hm.

Okay. Are you coming?

[PHONE BEEPING]

No, no, you guys...
You guys just go ahead.

Oh, good, because
this elevator's gonna be in use.

- Hey.
- This is so messed up.

Your ex dating my stepson? Yes, it is.

But I actually do know you, Nate.

That isn't what's bothering you.

I think I'm starting to
get it, you know?

How things are gonna be
now that the summer's over.

It would be kind of nice to have someone
who could actually be there.

But when the best version
of the situation...

...is that I'm gonna
become Blair's father-in-law...

...I think it's just time
to move on, Catherine.

No, wait, Nate, come on.
I'm here now, and I wanna talk.

Just tell me what's going on.

RECORDING:
You have one unheard message.

Unheard message.

JENNY:
Hey, Dad, it's me.

I talked to Dan, so he's gonna pick
me up, so I'll just see you at home, but...

Oh, my God, stop it. Sorry, Dad.

I gotta go kick Eric's ass
in a water fight. Love you. Bye.

Yeah, hey, Tanya. It's me, Rufus.

I think Anne Archibald would rather die
than lose her house, her things.

- They're her whole identity.
- That's why I won't let that happen.

I'll find a way.

It's not what she'll have to live without,
it's what she'll have to live with.

The scandal will destroy her.

Can you imagine her watching
her house seized...

...her grandmother's jewels
up for auction?

I told you, I'll figure something out.

I can handle this. I just need some time.

Yeah.

You can take care of this.

With my help.

It could just be between you and me.
No one would have to know.

I care about you, Nate.
I would do it for you.

What would I have to do for you?

MAN:
Come on, man, let's get out of here.

- Dorota, have you seen the duchess?
- In the library.

[NATE & CATHERINE MOANING]

Oh, my F-ing God.

Well, I don't have to
explain myself to you.

No explanation necessary.

- I think I got it.
- Catherine?

She'll just be one more minute,
if you don't mind.

Here you go.

Can I just say how sorry I am
that I judged you earlier?

You judged me?

I thought you were just a callow,
social-climbing former swimsuit model...

...who married above her station, only
to be enslaved by her own insecurities.

But now that I've seen you rolling around
on the floor with my adolescent ex...

...I understand
you have a compassionate side too.

What are you saying, Blair?

That I think you'll find it in your heart
to take pity on me...

...and in spite of my common,
lowly, unroyal ways...

...accept that I have true feelings for
Marcus and that he has them for me too.

I think that would be the best thing
for both of us, don't you?

Oh, there you are.

- Hello, darling.
- Hello, darling.

Am I too late?

As soon as I heard you were at
Blair's party, I knew I had to find you...

...and do damage control.

Is there still time,
or have you already scared Blair off?

Not at all, dear.

Blair here is a treat.
I can see why you're so fond of her.

- She never likes my girlfriends.
- She just had to get to know the real me.

Did you say "girlfriend"?

- She asked you to make a dress?
- I know, right?

I already did some sketches
on the train. Dad!

Jenny! Hey.

Oh, I missed you.
It's so good to see you.

And a kitchen full of food.
I'm starving. Hey, Dad.

Yeah, a little Caprese salad,
a little gnocchi with pesto.

First Humphrey family meal of the fall,
I figured we should do something special.

I wanna hear all about the Hamptons and
everything that happened this summer.

- Sounds like Jenny's got some stories.
- So does Dan. You hear he finished his?

- It finally has an ending?
- Well, this chapter does, yeah.

- Chapter?
- Yeah, I thought it was a short story.

- I'm thinking of reworking it into a novel.
- Oh, a novel.

That's not ambitious.

Someone must think
his life's pretty fascinating.

Oh, thanks for the support, guys.
You'll both be written out.

Well, what about you, Dad?
You were on the great road trip.

Any stories worthy of your memoir?

Oh, you know, it was fun,
but there's no place like home.

Well, that's original.

If you do write a memoir,
you should think about a ghostwriter.

I told you your back
could never handle those bunk beds.

Face it, Dad, you're getting old.

Yep, that's it, all right.

- This looks good.
- Looks fantastic.

I'll have two
because they're my favorite.

BLAIR: You were right, as usual.
- I don't want to say "I told you so."

All I had to do was just be myself
and Catherine loved me.

I'm proud of you, B.

- Oh. Great.
- Actually, Serena, can we have a second?

SERENA:
I'll take that.

I'll just be leaving you two alone.

- Did you enjoy meeting Duchess Beaton?
- I did.

- That's not sarcasm in your voice, it's...
- Victory.

I know. Your plan to ruin me
totally backfired.

Turns out Marcus' mommy
is even sicker than you are.

You got along great.

I think she recognized
a part of herself in me.

Or rather, I recognized someone in her.

- I don't follow.
- All you need to know is that you lost.

But don't be too hard on yourself.
It was a solid effort.

Tomorrow is another day.

- Good night, Chuck.
- Good night, Blair.

- Hey, Nate.
- Hey.

So that maybe took a little longer
than you thought.

A little bit, yeah.

Hey, listen, I'm so sorry...

...but I'm not gonna be able
to make it back tonight.

I figured. It's okay.

I was tired anyway,
so we'll hang out another time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure.

- So, look, I'll call you later, okay?
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

We good?

We're good.

GOSSIP GIRL: Every summer,
vacationers traverse the globe...

...in search of new sights
and experiences.

But when it comes to scandal,
I'll take Manhattan every time.

Welcome home, Upper East Siders.
You know you missed me.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.