Gossip Girl (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Lies Wide Shut - full transcript

Morning,
followers. Gossip Girl here.

Márquez once said, "We
all have three lives.

- A public life, a private life..."
- You have any fun, at least?

- Of course. Always.
- "...and a secret life."

I'm off to Berlin.
I'll be back tomorrow.

But he left out the most important one.
- Love you, Dad.

Our dating life.

And ever since
JC got ditched by Noble O

for a little Z, she's been
on an international manhunt

for a worthy replacement.

She's gone truffle hunting



with the Italian prime
minister's son...

The truffle is a passion, and
you need passion to hunt them.

But this dress is a sample.

Yachting with the
last Shah of Iran's grandson...

Might I invite you to
steam in my huge hammam?

She even
shared a green juice

with the Bonus Jonas.

All he could talk about
was how PC told him

he was cuter than Joe
and Kevin combined.

Spies
tell us nary a one

wanted a second
bite at her apple.

What?

Perhaps this
will provide a temporary balm?

Little Z may occupy
JC's former residence



on the arm of the
prince of New York,

but she's definitely
not to the manor born.

Hope the prince
doesn't lose interest,

or Little Z may find
herself Lonely Z.

Maybe they're sisters after all.

The throne is waiting, but
it won't sit empty for long.

Quelle disaster.

Even Timothée rescinded
his invite to MIPCOM

after seeing these!

You need to
stop being so choosey.

Everyone knows the only way to get over
an heir is to get under another one.

I tried. I guess heirs just
aren't as giving as I'm used to.

I didn't like any of them.

You don't have to like them,
you just have to date them.

Jules, I hate
to say this to you,

because fuck the
patriarchy, right?

But, um, the men
always win this.

Brad Pitt is ancient,

yet he wins an Oscar for
showing his desiccated abs,

while a still-prime Angelina
disappears a Disney witch.

Maybe it doesn't have
to be about a man?

Millie Bobby Brown isn't
defined by who she dates.

Millie Bobby Brown
is pre-sexual.

You need a new Brad or
it's Havisham for you.

- Also, fuck the patriarchy.
Jules.

- Do you have to pee?
- No.

Oh, me too. Thank
you. Bye.

So, if I tell you something,

do you swear on your
Loewe not to tell anyone?

- Did you kill someone?
- Worse.

I may have slept with Max.

- May have or did?
- I did! I did!

I slept with Max! I slept
with Max many times.

What? Why?

When? Basically all
of the interrogatives.

You've known him for
a decade. Why now?

I don't know what happened.
Kiki drama? Sexual ennui?

My apparently latent
self-destructive tendencies?

It was one night. One long,
surprisingly informative night,

like, Jules...

- Are you gonna tell Aki?
- I mean, I feel terrible,

but it had nothing to
do with him. I love him.

Until I can give him a reason
for these anomalous actions,

why cause him pain
with the truth?

Consider my friend-DA signed.

I just hope Gossip
Girl doesn't find out.

You're right. Now
that she's verified,

if she posts it, people
might believe it's true.

It is true.

I know! I'm a bad
person! I'm a bad person!

I'm a terrible person.

Why, because you
wiped out at LES?

No, but I deserve to.
I'm a terrible person.

You are like the last person
to be classified as terrible.

- What if I told you I cheated on Audrey?
- I wouldn't believe you.

What if I told you I may
have made out with someone

other than Audrey?

- You may have or you did?
- I did!

I made out with someone.

Okay, um... Was it
a one-time thing,

- or this was a recurring...
- Yes. Never again. Just once.

Okay then, who cares?

I mean, you still want
to be with Audrey, right?

Of course. I love her.

This had nothing to do with her.

Okay, then why cause her the stress
and embarrassment of your fuck-up?

You know what I mean?

Look, if it was a mistake,
just learn from it and move on.

And make sure that
whoever she is

does not kiss and tell.

- That wasn't awkward.
- Shh!

- Gossip Girl could be listening!
- Yeah, she's everywhere.

- Hey. Something's up.
- I know. It's working.

No. Something else.
Check your e-mail.

Burton called a mandatory
meeting after school.

I'm sure it's unrelated.
- I'm not.

Oh, my
God. There she is.

She knows? Taylor, did you see this?

I don't know, I
gotta go for Pizza Rat.

"Who wore it better?
Pizza Face or Pizza Rat?"

Just forget about it, all right?

By the time you
refresh, it'll be gone.

Wow, you're right.
And now it's a poll.

If it makes you feel any better,
that rat is an iconic New Yorker.

Yeah, so is Zora Neale Hurston,

but no one's
comparing me to her.

Okay, this is why I stay off
of social media entirely.

Well, you don't even have
to. Whenever you eat,

it looks like a dinner
party in T magazine.

Speaking of dinner, my dad
would like to have you over.

He said since I'm
staying at Constance

and I appear to be
serious about you,

he'd like to get
to know you better.

Um... I'm stuck
on "appear to be."

He's a lawyer. It's always
about how it appears to be.

But don't feel obligated
to it. It's just...

No, are you kidding? I
mean, we can't hang out in

morning runs and free periods
and walks home forever.

I want to take you out on a

- a real date.

And I understand your
dad's apprehension.

So I will bring all
the charm that I own.

- Tragic. Just look at her.
I can't.

My transition Lapimas don't dim
from daylight to depression.

Yeah, we've worked too hard

to let Julien abdicate
without a fight.

I know, but we've tried every
man on the Quest 400 list.

Who's left?

Maybe it isn't about
a man. Maybe it's her.

Are you guys talking about me?

- No. Of course not.
- Totally and completely, yeah.

I don't need you to pile
on too, Max. I'm exhausted.

You want to know why no one you've been on a
date with wants to get to know you better? Hmm?

It's 'cause they can't.

You're a billboard, not a body.

Curated, untouchable,
willingly filtered by you,

- your stylist and publicist.
- PR representative.

It's like I lost myself somehow.

Which is why I propose
that we find her together.

A Manhattan
Maxploration, tonight.

Consider me your White Rabbit.

We're gonna do things that
you've never done before,

in places you have
never gone before.

And when we are done,
you are gonna be so real,

that even Obie will remember

why he loved you
in the first place.

Audrey can vouch for how good I
am at demolishing inhibitions.

Fine, go out.

But don't worry
about how it looks.

Do it for yourself and
do not document it.

- Document it!
- Oh, my God, document it.

You in?

I know
you're all curious

why I called this all-hands.

And so I'm just gonna cut
to the chase. Gossip Girl.

I'm sure you're aware of it.

An anonymous Instagram account
that spies on our students

and spreads rumors about them,

students whose parents
rather generously

keep the lights on around here.

And many of those parents
are now threatening

to pull their donations if
this situation isn't solved.

- We're dead. Worse than dead.
My predecessor...

- A Netflix documentary on dead people.
- Jordan.

Of a pernicious presence
that would sabotage

students' studies,

their social lives,
even hijack graduation.

And now it's happening again.

- Vivian, if I may?
- Oh, of course, Linda.

I've found Gossip Girl
surprisingly helpful.

My students have seemed,
I don't know, more mindful

of what they say and

what they do around each other.

I agree. I'd even
go so far as to say

the students are more
respectful to us as well.

With apologies
to my wife and Mr. Caparros,

I firmly disagree.
Gossip Girl is a cancer.

Kids are on their phones
more now than ever.

And in class.

Well, to address Mr. Schacter's
very valid concern,

students will no longer

have access to their phones
during the school day.

That's gonna be
bad for business.

And you may have noticed
some new bodies in our halls.

One of our parents
has graciously donated

a consultancy with an
intelligence agency.

They will conduct a
swift investigation

to determine the
source of our stress.

By this time next week,

Gossip Girl must be
exposed and expelled.

Oh, my God, they
hired Black Cube!

Let's not panic. We just have
to keep them off our scent.

You're all following GG from
your own accounts, right?

Rude, of course we are.

Okay. Then, like the posts
and watch the videos.

A lot of teachers do, so if
you don't, you stand out.

And no DMs from your
accounts to GG ever.

We also shouldn't
post from school, right?

- They could trace it?
- I put a firewall on the server.

As long as you stay on
our Wi-Fi, you're safe.

How can you be so sure?

I'm the computer
science teacher.

And don't post
during school hours.

Now that kids won't have phones,
it could point towards faculty.

But as soon as the bell rings,
I'll keep the posts flowing.

It would cast more light on us
if we slowed after that meeting.

Maybe mix things up a little?

Shine some of that
light on teachers,

make it look more like
it's a disgruntled student?

Got any dirt from
the home office?

Ready to get buried? We can
start with the Schacters.

Henry's been having an affair
with Libby the Librarian.

Ooh.

Make that item blind.

Maybe there are more
affairs around here

and we can get some great tips?

They had perfect
porcinis at Eataly today,

so I told Rocky risotto
ai funghi is imperative.

Even though, um, your dad
is doing "keto" again.

-Which we both
know is a lie.

Oh. There was never an
entrance he didn't make.

- Or a corset he couldn't cinch.
- Oh, this old McQueen?

Your, uh, your
hair is different.

Serge gave me a
blowout. You like?

It's, um... It's voluminous.

Oh, Rocky,
this looks glorious.

As do you.

So, where are you
off to after this?

Critics preview for Jeremy
O. Harris's new play:

AARON at The Public.

- Mm.
It's, um...

A very loose adaptation
of Titus Andronicus

focusing on Aaron the moor.

Gore and genitals? Save
me a full-frontal seat.

I have. Opening's
tomorrow night.

There's a ticket block
for all of your friends.

And Pops.

What are you going to do tonight
while I'm at the preview, hon?

Stay home. Working on the plans

for Ina and Jeffrey's
hornbeam hedge.

You know, maybe it's best

not to wear that tomorrow night.

Mm! And this is keto.

As that essentially
forces them out of this neighborhood

and leaves the area
wide open for developers

who were already circling.

Like your parents?

Yeah, and everybody else
who sees the Navy Yard

as this billion-dollar
waterfront property

and not a neighborhood.

But I think that

privilege ignores the
realities of systemic issues.

I'm surprised to hear you speak
about your family this way.

Yeah, well, it's nothing
I haven't told them.

And they...
they support me.

They want me to remind
them, keep them honest.

- Hey, Z?
- Hmm?

Feel like joining
the conversation?

I'm... I'm sorry. I...
I know I'm being rude.

It's just, I'm trending.

Or at least, the
hashtag "Zugly" is.

It's Luna La.

- She started it.
- How do you know?

"Hey Ju-lions! Let's get the
hashtag 'Zugly' trending."

It's all so toxic. I
tried to tell Julien

that social media was ruining her
life...

How about we put
away our phones,

and discuss how
much I'm enjoying

getting to know Obie here?

Are you, um, are you
enjoying it enough

to consider letting
us go on a real date?

- Not yet.
- Okay.

But, you
know, getting closer.

- Sorry.
- What's wrong?

Just not into eye
contact tonight.

Yeah!

Keep going!

Keep going!

- Whoa!
- Oh, sorry.

No. Just wasn't
expecting that...

- I guess I overshot.
- By a lot.

I'm sorry.

It just caught me by surprise.

Uh... Just need some
time to, uh... recoup.

Yeah, take your time.

- Woo!

Status update?

Uh, you're in your
underwear in the Daily Mail.

I'm in my underwear
on the Daily Mail.

We'll WhatsApp that to Timothée.

Actually, don't.
You'll get arrested.

Want some?

Uh... No, thank you, I'm
intermittent fasting.

But offer some to
that girl there? Hey.

All right, so you're
allowed no more than two

but no less than one.

I love solving inequalities!

Oh!

- Oh, okay.

- What was that?
- Space coke.

- Is that like coke from NASA?
- It's coke with ketamine.

Oh!

Yeah!
- Woo!

I'll help with
dessert in a moment!

What is it? Is it
an Amber Alert?

Someone's calling you.

Hello?
- Do not call list.

- It... It's Zoya.
I don't know her.

I know you made
the Zugly hashtag.

Yes, and?

And I'm asking
you to stop it?

Mm! An ingenious
portmanteau like that

only derives from
a place of truth.

You can't dress like the Paramus
Uniqlo's back-to-school sale

- and not expect some feedback.

- My name's...
- No.

So, what are you saying?

I could, um, try
to Pygmalion you.

Pygmalion me?

Queer Eye, Princess
Diary, Pretty Woman you.

Yeah, I know the reference.

I'm just surprised you do.
Isn't it anti-feminist?

I don't mean a
feminized transformation

in order to please a cis man.

I'm talking elevating
your taste level

so that no one calls
you Zugly again.

Look, I don't want to become some
inauthentic version of myself.

When I'm done with you, you
won't know the difference.

As long as you're on Obie's
arm, you're in the spotlight.

It can be a blinding glare
or a benevolent glow.

So what's it gonna be?
- Well

If Julien falls, we aren't
going down with her.

Might as well get in
with the new world order.

- Well, that was...
- Informative?

Sometimes it's important to
experiment to see what you like.

Or don't.

I love you. Good night.

I love you too.

This just in.

Looks like one of Constance's
most constant couples

isn't as coupled as we thought.

We hear one half strayed, but
not too far from the nest,

in fact, with someone
close to both parties.

You okay, babe?

Yeah, just, uh... reading
Sight and Sound. You?

Town and Country.

That's the fun
thing about blind items.

We often don't see what's
right in front of our eyes.

- I love your cat suit.
- Thank you!

It's my cast aside cat suit!

Oh, babe, whoever
broke up with you

doesn't deserve you
in the first place.

My boyfriend dumped me for my
sister... well, half-sister...

Who I basically imported
from, like, Siberia.

So I am on the warpath
to get over him tonight.

You are a warrior!
- I am.

- I am a warrior!
Maybe I should be, too.

I have been dating my
boyfriend for a year,

and he still won't
go public with me.

We go off-peak to
off-grid places like this.

Or I sleep over two nights
a week at his pied-à-terre.

Sounds like he's
hiding something.

Bring him to the red table!

I should.

Like, is it his problem or
mine for caring so much?

The moral of the story?
You can't rely on any man.

You can only rely
on yourself, right?

That's so fucking true.

- Are we swiping?
- Uh, GPSing.

It is one on Wednesday.

We need to see where the
migaytion is flocking on.

I'll check the LES.

Oh... Tap him, he's cute.
And he likes pigs!

- Oh, that's not what that means.
- What?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

My dad.

No, my dad.

And sometimes,
when we least expect it,

our eyes are opened for us.

My advice? Don't look away.

Something happened.

They're calling teachers
in for private interviews.

What? Why? We did
everything right.

I told you, they're Black Cube!

- They know things!
- It's a crusade.

They won't stop till
there's a head on a spike.

I once saw on an
episode of The Americans

that if you squeeze your anus,
you can dupe a lie detector.

All Burton wants is
for this to go away.

She won't stop until it does.

Which is why we need
to end it for her.

We need a fall guy.

How about a fall gay?

He refused to join us
and knows our secrets.

- Two birds, one stone?
- We can't do that. Can we?

He's too big of a fish to fry.

Then who? We need
to scapegoat someone

before we're strapped
to the chair ourselves.

- Shit. Shit.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You, uh, rough night?

- Um... One could say that.
- You okay?

I'm actually glad
I ran into you.

The craziest thing happened

and I just need to talk about
it with someone I can trust.

Last night...

- You know what, forget it.
- No, um, it's, um...

I'm sorry, all right? It's
just, I probably shouldn't...

Yeah, of course. You shouldn't.
But you did anyway, so.

Hey, did you come in the side
way? I've been waiting for you!

Someone sent Deuxmoi
my old Dubsmashes,

- and now everyone is just la...

You can't use your
phone at school!

Hey. All right. Okay, okay.
All right. Look, look, look,

I know what's
gonna cheer you up.

Your dad gave us permission
for our first real date!

Yeah. And I got us tickets to Jeremy
O. Harris's new play. Opening night.

When I told him what it was,
he caved because he knows

how important theater is
to you and everything.

And you can tell me what
it all means afterwards.

'Cause you know,
off-Broadway is like

all confusing and...

- I thought you loved the theater?
- No, I do. I do.

And I couldn't be more
excited. Excuse me.

- You told Gossip Girl about us?
- Shizukani, Akeno.

I have not had enough espresso
or Vyvanse for this encounter.

- So you admit you did it?
- What, spill the bathwater?

No, of course not.

Do you know how many people
cheat in this school?

This place has more side
pieces than Versailles.

She could have meant any couple.

That post was clearly me

- and Aud...
- What about me?

Um... That, uh, you
look good enough to eat.

Oh.

Could you get me a
contraband straw?

This paper ones always break.

What the hell, Wolfe! You
told Gossip Girl about us?

Oh, for fuck's sake,
not this again.

- Again? What do you mean again?
- Why is everyone on my case?

I have a lot of things
on my mind right now

and your lesbian bed death
is certainly not one of them.

You know what? If you're so
worried about it getting out,

maybe you shouldn't have
done it in the first place!

This one's made of wheat.

Progress report on the
sins of our fathers?

I searched the entire
house last night

and couldn't find a thing.

No hidden passages from the
service entrance to his room.

No stray La Perlas
in the closet.

No sign of a girlfriend at
all. So, he is hiding her.

- But why?
- Hm.

I Insta-stalked
her. Lola Morgan.

- Singer-songwriter.
- Hm, that tracks.

I'm determined to
gain clarity on this.

What about you?

I gently prodded Dad and he
said they've never opened,

so I don't know why Pops
is on there "newly single."

So of course, I had to
take drastic measures.

He probably has his reasons.
Maybe just leave it alone?

Mm... Maybe Davis has
his and you should too?

The Prince and the Popo?

"The new girl on the
arm of prince of New York"

Otto Bergmann IV is
something called a Zoya Lott.

And no, apparently,
that's not her drag name.

An import from a
shtetl called Buffalo,

Lott was overheard at
not-spot Via Quadronno

"saying New York
smelled like garbage."

It was literally garbage day!

It's New York.
It's always garbage day.

When are you going to get it?

As far as the
press is concerned,

he's R-Patz and
you're Suki nobody.

This is the land of
schadenfreude on Adderall.

You need to curate your
image as meticulously

as a Gagauzian exhibit
and follow only my rules.

Otherwise, you'll end up being
banned like a plastic bag

on the corner of
Lex and D'Agostino.

Okay, I'm going to an
opening with Obie tonight,

so I need your help
now more than ever.

First rule. Never
speak in public,

which you've just learned.

Second rule. Never look
directly at a camera.

Never look directly anywhere.

- These are contacts.
- I don't wear contacts.

Exactly. They'll make
everything blurry.

This way, you'll always
look like you're smizing.

Because you literally
can't see anything.

Third rule. Never sweat.

- Relax, it's just Botox.
- I don't want Botox, I'm 14!

It's preventative.

And don't worry, it's not
for your face, anyway.

Then what is it for?

Fine, a pad will do. Lift.

- That'll make me sweat more.
- And now no one will see it.

- Fourth rule. Know your side.
- I have a side?

You do and it's not
facing me right now.

Are you taking notes?

And finally, five tenets to
live and die by in public.

Never eat, cry, PDA,
MTA or wear flats.

- Where am I supposed to eat?
- In private,

with the blinds drawn.
And whatever you do,

never trust the doorman.
They sell tips to TMZ.

No way! Jimmy's
been in the building

- since the '70s when my grandma first moved there.
- Ew. You live with your grandma?

No. I mean, she's in a home,
but I stay in her apartment,

which is probably something
I shouldn't have told you

because it's rent-controlled and the
board doesn't know that I'm there, but...

Do I look like I want a story?
You're a client, not a colleague.

Now show me what's in your bag.

Hey!

I shouldn't be seen
with you right now.

It's fine, Gossip Girl
knows nothing, okay?

But she could find out.

If you want to guarantee,
I'll never tell...

- More steam-room shenanigans?

More of a catfishing expedition.

I need you to create
a fake Scruff profile

and use it on my dad.

Are you out of
your fucking mind?

Look, I need proof that he is using
the app for more than perusal.

- Why don't you just do it yourself?
- You want me to sext my father?

Is it any better you want me to?

No, not as you. As Rafa. Okay?

Clone his profile
and get chatty.

No nudes, no private album,

just the innocent intention
of meeting up on record.

This is ridiculous,
even for you.

Well, since the
guy won't fuck me,

I might as well fuck with him.

Here. Come on, I'll even...
I'll set it up myself.

Spotted on
the corner of Bedford:

JC donning her best disguise.

And is
she the only one?

Guess we
better run to the box office

to get our own ticket
for tonight's show.

Something is clearly
about to go down.

What in God's name
are you wearing?

Your father thought it advisable

not to ruffle any
feathers tonight.

Although, to be honest, I
would rather be wearing them.

- Well, why aren't you, then?
- He said I looked great.

Dignified.

Oh, that's because
you look like him.

- Maximus...
- No, no, wait.

I do not want to ruffle
any feathers either, okay?

But you raised me to be
my most authentic self,

- did you not?
- Of course we did. And you are.

And we wouldn't have
it any other way.

Then you need to start
following your own advice.

Be you. To hell with
what anyone else says.

- Even Pops.
- Oh. I don't know...

Did I not see the most
spectacular Kamali number

in your closet? That would
just be perfect for tonight.

- I know. I did have it tailored.
- Yeah, yeah.

Okay, well I'm excited
to see it on you.

Go. I'll change, too.

Since when do you take a car?

Remind me to learn how
to Citi-bike in a dress?

So this is what you
look like at night?

It, uh... It is now.

It's beautiful.
You're beautiful.

Thank you.

You know, I'm really
glad you invited me

as your plus one tonight. I
feel like it's been forever

since we did something like
this, just the two of us.

Well, I'm really glad
you're back from Berlin.

But you must be exhausted.
You should have coffee.

I heard the play is very
long and full of surprises.

- You're gonna want to be awake.
- Okay.

- I'll be right back.
- Sure.

Hey, what did he say, exactly?

Why don't you just
read it yourself?

He was hesitant at
first but then he asked

if we could come over to
my place next weekend.

That's when my dad's
in London. Okay, um...

Okay, maybe... maybe I do
need to read it for myself?

- What's your password?
- 2046.

Wong Kar-Wai's
unsung masterpiece.

Did you just steal my phone?

Thank God you're
sitting next to us.

I cannot be near Max, or
Aki might put it together.

I really don't think Gossip
Girl was referring to you.

Optically speaking, I would like
to err on the side of caution.

Proximity plus the
wine I'm gonna need

to get through this play
are not a good combo.

What are you looking for?

Hi.

There's Max.

Who knew you liked a grand
romantic gesture so much?

Lola.

- What are you...
- You look surprised.

Yes, I do exist before
the clock strikes 11:00.

Those lily roses with the
ticket tucked and twined?

- So thoughtful.

And opening night, what
a way to go public!

At The Public!

Well, I am so glad it
worked out.

Would you excuse
me for one minute?

I should hit the
bathroom before...

Okay.

I'll be here.

Oh God,
what did you do?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Normally I wouldn't accept
a gift from a student.

But I'm a huge fan
of Jeremy's work,

- so thank your dad for me?
- You can thank him yourself.

I'll introduce you
after the show.

You know what? You
deserve a better seat.

Here, take my ticket instead.

- Oh... I need your ticket.
- The extra one you gave me?

No, I need it.

The sacrifices we make
for the theater, darling.

Next time, steal
someone else's plan.

But this is obstructed view!

Well, guess you need
to gain some clarity.

Let the play around
the play begin.

Thought you were supposed
to sit with your dads?

You don't like me in the middle?

Sorry.
- Dude, give me back my phone!

Ooh, looks like someone's been
doing extra credit homework.

What are you guys doing?

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

"AARON features
full frontal nudity,

potentially disturbing
realistically depicted violence,

simulated and
non-simulated sex scenes,

and..."
"audience participation."

Try and put on a
brave face, dear.

It's a miracle the
theater's even open.

What do you know?

Mr. Caparros, right?

Who?

- Max's Classics teacher!
- Of course. Nice to see you.

And please, Rafa.

I don't think you
two know each other.

Uh, no, no. We certainly don't.

- Nice to meet you.
- This is my husband, Roy Sachs.

Honey, I think you had
a walkthrough in Wilton,

the day of parent-teacher
conferences.

I was so thrilled to
learn you're having them

- read Catullus and Ovid this term.
- Mm.

All right, I've got Justin's,
peanut M&Ms and Tate's.

They're the gluten-free ones,
'cause they were out of the regular.

I'm good. Thank you.

- I thought you loved M&Ms.
- I'm just not very hungry.

You know, I saw
Hamilton here with Max,

before it went on Broadway.

You into that play?

No doubt it's a work of art.

- Um, but...
- But what?

What?

Of course.

I thought you were coming
here with your dad?

I don't have to tell you who
I am or am not here with.

It's the least you can do.

- Can you remove your hat?
- Uh... No.

Who's that that your... Who's
that that your dad's with?

Why? Do you want
to date her, too?

That's my...

- She's my...
- Your daughter?

Who I now realize I
met the other night.

You didn't invite
me here, did you?

LX 1. LX 2, go.

Aaron, go.

What?

What?

Have I not arrived
as you assumed I would?

Like a black dog.

As the saying is...

You do know who I am, right?

The inhuman dog.

Unhallowed slave.

Who said it first?

You...

Who said it first?

My... ...father
said it of my father!

So, what'd you think? It
was pretty intense, huh?

And you're still shocked, I see.

There's a four-block rule.

You can't talk about the work
until you're four blocks away.

I've never known you to wait
half a block to say anything.

Thank you.

Now you're turning down
lemongrass chicken?

The play was, like, four
hours long, I mean...

Well, you must be... starving.

I'll be right back.

- Hey. Hey. We need to talk.
- Do we?

Because I'm pretty
sure whatever you say,

you'll be leaving
a lot out as usual.

- What you did tonight was...
- Oh, I'm at fault?

Do I have a secret apartment? A
secret partner, a secret life?

It was never my intention
to hide anything from you.

But you did. And you didn't
just hide it, you lied.

All of these trips you
take, how many are real

and how many are
ten blocks away?

- It's not that simp...
- Okay, yeah.

I guess we just have more
in common than I realized.

We both have a public
life and a private one.

I don't want to do that anymore.

- Hey, Julien. I am sorry...
- It's not your fault.

But a tip?

You should probably find someone who
isn't afraid to be seen with you.

Burton emailed me my
interrogation time.

During school hours,
like...

I guess it's more important to
talk to a bunch of black hats

about an anonymous
Instagram account

- than actually teach students?
- It's not anonymous to you.

George doesn't
understand our little social experiment.

He went to public
school in Suburbia

where everybody was
nice to each other.

This isn't something
to joke about.

That firm exposed billionaires,

uncovered massive corporate
security breaches.

They worked for Weinstein. You
think you can outsmart them?

I did place a firewall
on the school servers.

These people invented firewalls.

You should quit now before your
entire careers are destroyed.

I understand your
concerns, George.

But the school board doesn't
actually care about Gossip Girl.

They just hate the noise.

We're in the midst
of figuring out a way

- to quiet it all down.

You're my wife. I
can't help but worry.

You know why I was fired?

My boss, a father
at your school,

knew I knew he had
expensed escorts.

That's why
we're doing this.

To hold these people and
their kids accountable.

- You could expose him.
- I've already lost my job.

I don't want to lose my
integrity on top of that.

Besides, privilege and power,

no matter how amoral, will
always win in the end.

And the people at the bottom
will always end up with nothing.

People like us. Sorry,
where's your bathroom?

Um... Just down the
hall, to the left.

We are a bit wrapped up in it.

Well, of course we
are. We created it.

Maybe we should be considering

if it's worth risking
everything we care about?

I like being a
teacher. Don't you?

I'll get us
another bottle.

Did we just get fucked?

I loved it.

But it'd be committing theatrical
seppuku to transfer it.

It would close in a week,
especially without a star.

I just wish it wasn't
so confrontational.

I mean, even Taylor Mac
added farce to his Titus.

And it still flopped.

I guess it's Ivo's
gender-swapped.

My Fair Lady with
Gyllenhaal instead?

Are you kidding me?

Hey, where've you been?
I've been looking for you.

- Obie. Do you know...
- A provocative play like AARON

is exactly what Broadway
needs after a year on pause.

What it doesn't is another
"revisal" of... of anything.

Especially one devised
by white people,

about white people,
starring white people.

That's why the theater
was invented, right?

To challenge audience members to...
to think beyond their own narratives.

I mean, come on, have
you never read Shange?

Albee? Fornés?

- Hey. Who are you?
Oh, hi, Jeremy.

Oh. I'm no one.

You seem very much
like someone to me.

Let's find a less
confrontational space.

And have a little talk.

Hey, excuse us.

Um... Hey.

Sorry about messaging
you at the theater...

About that. I think you might have
me confused with someone else.

Hey, Pops! Don't leave me and
Dad out of the conversation!

Max, I was talking to my friend.

Oh, you're gonna want to talk
to these two more, trust me.

Do you want to tell
him or should I?

Want to tell him what?

Tell me what?

- I'm confused...
- Max.

Pops is on Scruff.

Yeah, he's got an active profile
that says "newly single."

And he's been messaging guys
with the intention of cheating.

This guy in particular.

Hey, Max. Max, that's enough.
Stop. Stop it. Give me that.

- Stop that!
- Wait, you did this?

With Max's teacher?

Yes, I did, but...
- Not with me, no. It...

What do you
mean, not with you?

I think your son can explain.

What does he have
to do with this?

He deserved to know the truth.

- Did you pretend...
- Well, not me, but...

Is it true?

- Is it true?
- Nothing happened.

All right, it was just
talk, it was all talk.

But you wanted
something to happen.

I just wanted to talk and
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I don't understand why you
would do something like this.

Oh, God!

Look, Gideon, I love you.

But when I fell in love with
you, you were different.

You've changed. And
I'm not sure I...

I don't even know
if I'm able to...

Still be attracted to me.

- With all this.
- I still love you.

- I do, but...
- But you like it masc?

Is that it?

And instead of talking
to me about it,

you were gonna fuck
some other guys

- so you can feel it again?
- No, no. Of course not.

I still want you, only you.

You want the version of me
you're comfortable with.

The one I felt I still had
to be when we first met.

But not who I am.

I'm growing.

But after almost
20 years together,

I'm shocked you can't
see that the only thing

that has changed here is you.

Why?

- Why would you do that to me?
- Why would you do this to us?

Obie. What are
you doing out here?

I was looking for you. I
thought that you had left.

Oh, Jeremy actually
asked me to...

- You're upset.
- No.

Is it because of what I said
earlier, about the play?

I mean, I was in the middle of
speaking and you just kinda left.

I was just confused.

'Cause you've been
so weird all night.

And then suddenly
you're yourself again

and then you ditch me. So...

Okay, when I showed up tonight
and you liked how I looked,

I thought maybe while you said
you wanted something different,

you're actually pretty comfortable
with what you already know.

The perfect picture
by your side.

But that's not me.

I'm gonna say the wrong thing
and sweat through my clothes

and eat in the middle
of the sidewalk. I...

I want you to be who you are.

All right, you understand
why I ended it with Julien.

Yeah. You couldn't
find her anymore.

But have you thought about how you
might have contributed to that?

That you didn't lose her
but she got lost behind you?

I mean, it's really hard to
date the prince of New York

when even he won't admit
that that's who he is.

- Do you mind if I, um...
- Do the right thing?

Never.

Hey, Jules.

- No, thank you.
- I wanna talk.

All right, just really talk.

I know, um...

I know that I said that I
didn't like who you'd become.

I, uh...

I... I definitely should have

realized and accepted
some responsibility

for my part of that.

Maybe, I was more comfortable
not knowing, because...

You know, if I had
looked too closely,

I might see some of myself, too.

I spent so much time.

putting forward
this idea of me, that I just

forgot who I was a little.

Like my dad has. Like
everyone has, apparently.

Except for her.

It's no wonder you like her.

I think... You know, I
think that you deserve

someone who sees you, who, um

sees all of you.

And maybe
I needed you to walk away

to see that I could
stand on my own.

- Hello?
Reema? It's Wendy.

I know I shouldn't
tell you this,

but a tip came into
the Gossip Girl DMs

a few weeks ago about your
husband's former boss,

and Kate didn't want to tell you.
She thought you might get upset.

Oh, my God, really?

What was it?

One of the
escorts he hired

was a senior at Constance.

I mean, do with
that what you will.

But I just figured
you'd want to know

in case you felt compelled
to expose the truth

one final time.

Might even get your
husband's old boss fired,

get his job back.

That's a lot to hear. Uh...

I can't believe
Kate didn't tell me.

Which is why I am.

Listen, if you do want
to do something with it,

remember the firewall.

You're protected only at
school during school hours.

We all have the password.

Should we last-call him
before it's too late?

Oh, fuck.
Here.

Maybe it's time to
call it a night?

And why would I do that?

Because you're a
bit out of control?

That's what you like, isn't
it? To relinquish control.

Or is that only with
me. I tell you what,

let's ask some of
your other candidates?

- Max, don't...
- We got... We got Judd.

Uh, Phuc?
Robert? Oh, he's cute.

Is that... Is that your phone?

Why is that on your
phone? What is this?

He's lying. It's his phone.

He's just really
fucked up right now...

Correct. Check.

I am... I'm outside
my boundaries now,

just like both of you.

In fact, I am so outside
that I don't know

if you're gonna be able
to hear me when I say

I'm not the only one
who fucked up here.

You fucked up, too.

You fucked me.
And you wanted to.

God, come on, it is time
that we all stopped hiding

and started being who
we really are, right?

Right? Okay, no more
lies. Only truths. Okay.

So I will go first as the
only truth-teller here.

You guys, you just, you don't
do it for each other anymore.

You just do me. But
you can't have me.

Nobody can have me.

I am not even here. I am
gone. And end fucking scene.

- Where's Lola?
- I sent her home.

- Oh, to your pied-affair?
Cute.

And no. To her own apartment.

You know, when you were a kid,

I wanted you to feel like you
were the only woman in my life.

Because you are.

So I made a choice

that I would always keep
my dating life private.

And I think I forgot
that you grew up

and can handle the truth.

I couldn't be more sorry.

I never want to
lie to you again.

I think that we can
both agree to do better.

That we can live our
lives more honestly,

with ourselves and
with each other.

I'd really like to meet her.

So does the Four Block Rule

still apply on the
Upper West Side?

I guess that depends on the
subject being discussed.

- What if I whisper it?
- No promises.

I'd really like to kiss
you right now.

You put on a real show tonight.

There's another one
tomorrow, I'm sure.

I don't appreciate being used.

I had no idea it would
blow up like that.

What did you think would happen?

You know, that my
dads would realize

that they were being
stupid and just talk?

But I fucked it up.

No, it would have
come out eventually.

It always does.

Yeah, I know.
But I just didn't realize

it would hurt this
fucking much when it did.

You know
why the play's the thing?

Because it holds up a
mirror to our own lives.

Sometimes it's about
staying true to your private self.

Or leaving
your public self behind.

Sometimes, it's about
confronting a painful reality...

Or sublimating
your deepest fantasies.

Hi.

Did you like it?

I didn't

not like it.

But I never want to
do it again. Do you?

Of course not.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, too.

Isn't it all
a performance, anyway?

It's my own fault.

When I got that tip
about George's boss,

I couldn't resist posting it.

But at least now you know
your firewall didn't work.

It could've happened
to any of us.

We're so sorry it was you.

And don't worry, I didn't
crack during the interrogation.

Your identities are safe.

I'll miss you both.

Did you turn
the firewall back on?

- God. Why do I feel so terrible?
- We didn't have a choice.

It was her or us.

And now, we don't have
to be nervous anymore.

Wendy's contacts at
Horace Mann and Dalton

confirmed they'd start
sending in tips, too.

So did mine at
Nightingale and Spence.

Which means Gossip
Girl's gone citywide.

The target's off our back.

And impossible to
trace. Bigger than ever.

She used the tip.
We didn't make her.

Didn't we, though?

Yet no
costume can conceal

what you don't want me to see.

Sooner or later, the
clothes come off,

the makeup washes away
and the real you emerges.

Your secrets, your sins,
your truths, your lies.

- Hi. Where have you been?
- It's story time!

Peak posting hour
is about to strike.

I left my phone at home.

Um... Okay. No one panic.

I'll log in on my phone.

And we can download
your presets.

- And we can figure it out...
- I left it intentionally.

Consider me offline today.

Okay, you tried. But Zoya's
clearly not playing along.

It's time that we reinstate
order as it once was.

And that means JC on top, alone.

Oh! That Buffal-ho needs to go.

I have intel. If we used it,
Little Z would be sistory.

Dites-moi.

If they don't
start a war themselves,

we'll just have to
start one for them.

All the
world may be a stage,

but on the Upper East Side,
the play doesn't matter.

It's all in the execution.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.