Gordon, Gino & Fred's Road Trip (2018–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - Christmas Road Trip: Three Unwise Men - full transcript
In this festive Christmas special, Gordon, Gino and Fred visit Morocco for the holiday to experience firsthand the local culture, cuisine and shop at the bazaar. They also visit a snake handler, a saffron farm and a hammam or Turk...
This is the transport?
Yes.
What do you think?
Uh... I feel bad.
Why?
Because I've eaten camel before.
CAMEL GROWLS
How do you cook a camel?
Braise it.
Ah, so it's like a long...
Can have this conversation
away from the camels?
Well, listen... It's Christmas...
CAMEL GROWLS
Shit.
LAUGHTER
They're all getting up!
Now, how are we gonna get up there?
CAMEL GROWLS
He doesn't like you.
GINO LAUGHS
CAMEL GROWLS
LAUGHS
Can you take a picture of us three?
ALL: Happy Christmas!
LAUGHS
'Gino D'Acampo, Fred Sirieix
'and I are on a festive,
culinary adventure.'
Gino!
"Come to Jerusalem to celebrate
Christmas with me." Really?
'Thanks to a classic
D'Acampo cock-up, we're in...
'Morocco.'
I like it. Not the most obvious
choice for a Christmas getaway.
It's a cobra!
Mind the donkey on the
left and the car on the right.
SCREAMING
'But, as always,
'we'll be seeking out
the very best ingredients.'
How's the eyeball?
Disgusting.
'The warmest hospitality...'
Can you make 5,000 of those?
'..And Yuletide cheer.'
You have to be kidding me.
Merry Christmas.
CHEERS
'Three amigos.'
LAUGHS
'Three big egos.'
I hate turkey.
What?!
You're not cooking it properly.
'Back in the saddle, again.'
On my fork?
Yeah.
SCREAMS
LAUGHTER
# We three Kings of Orient are. #
"Would you like to come to Jerusalem
for Christmas?" Great idea, Gino.
Oui, the land of the three kings!
So why on earth
are we in the middle of Morocco?
Oh, come on.
I got good deals on the tickets.
What a doughnut.
CAMEL GROWLS
Why don't you just
embrace the Christmas in Morocco?
Brahim, how do you celebrate
Christmas in Morocco?
CAMEL GROWLS
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
A lot's wrong with it.
CAMEL GROWLS
Oh, this one is kicking!
Listen, we are in Morocco.
Here, the food is fantastic.
We gonna embrace the culture,
it's gonna be amazing.
'Thanks to Gino,
'our journey starts in the foothills
of the Atlas Mountains.'
We are heading north,
through the Agafay Desert,
to Morocco's cultural capital,
Marrakesh.
Home to the famous Medina.
It's very uncomfortable.
MOCKS ACCENT: Uncomfortable?
LAUGHS
Uncomfortable.
CAMEL GROWLS
Whoa! Holy shit.
"Fancy Christmas in Jerusalem?"
Really?
Listen, guys, Christmas is not about
where you are.
Christmas is about the people
you are with.
And I love the fact
that I am with you two at Christmas.
'These ships of the desert
can walk all day without stopping.
'Us? Not so much.'
Gino, I'm surprised
you haven't moaned yet.
I tell you what,
my testicles are killing me.
Have you ever got lost
in the desert, Brahim?
Wow.
My legs are killing me, Gino.
How much further to go? Seriously.
I need a wee.
Where are we going?
# Joy to the world
# The Lord is come. #
'Arab and Berber tribespeople have
been living in the Agafay Desert
'for thousands of years.'
'We'll never get to Marrakesh
before nightfall.
'We can only hope
there's some room at the inn.'
Gino. I've trapped one of my balls.
This is the worst bit for me.
GROANS
Shit.
CAMEL GROWLS
LAUGHTER
SPEAKS ARABIC
Bonjour.
Nice to see you.
SPEAKS ARABIC
Bonjour, Madame. May we take our...?
SPEAKS ARABIC
BRAHIM TRANSLATING:
Thank you. We're honoured
to be here. Thank you.
How old is the house?
A hundred years.
Wow.
Who is the best cook here?
No, not you!
We are talking about the family.
Little lady.
Do you cook? Ask her if she cooks?
No.
Nothing?
SPEAKS ARABIC
Thank you.
To pay him back, it'd be nice
to cook and help with dinner.
Where are we sleeping, please?
Wow. Nice.
Thank you.
So this is the kitchen?
Is there... like, like, a larder?
Gotcha.
Gordon!
LAUGHS
What is that?
That's what you're having tonight.
LAUGHS
How does this work?
GRUNTS
GRUNTS
Oh, it's so hard.
GROANS
How do you put these poles up?
Some cumin, tomatoes.
'My contribution to dinner
is a local fish, tilapia,
'cooked with ingredients
I raided from the larder.'
What you put in, lemon?
So, preserved lemon...
Yeah?
...some rosemary, some garlic,
yeah. Just inside.
My daughter, she's the same age,
seven years old,
and she already cooks.
OK, so
we can do this together, then.
We want to put all the...
Can I talk?
Do you need to make all this noise?
I'm chopping garlic!
What's wrong with you?
We need to put all the almonds...
We need to put all the dried fruits
in there
and then we mix it and we make it
into a... a sweet bread.
Yes.
I can't hold them up!
I have never done anything
like this in my life.
Et voila.
Not great.
So this fish
is gonna be grilled.
I'm just worried that it's not gonna
feed us all. ls there any meat?
SPEAKS ARABIC
Oh, we have meat, then.
Wow. Has it got the brains in there?
Being here, it makes you realise
that we have
far too many things in life.
Can she say brava?
Brava.
Brava!
People could very happily live in
a place like this, in this desert,
where there is nothing.
If your family are together,
everybody's happy.
Egg wash?
Si.
LAUGHING: Egg wash?
Did you see any eggs?
I heard a chicken.
GORDON LAUGHS
Just one.
One, just to brush.
She hides her eggs?
She hides her eggs.
Oh, my goodness me.
You got it?
Yeah. In the wardrobe.
GINO LAUGHS
Merci.
If you glaze this, it's gonna
come out so beautiful.
The problem is the flour
that they use.
LAUGHTER
ls important.
A little bit of oil on the bottom,
just not to stick.
How do we turn the gas up?
LAUGHTER
What's that, there?
The poo of the goats.
Goat shit.
We put the goat poo
in there, as well?
LS it?
Oh, OK.
Some... some poo.
The shit is in.
What are you doing?!
This is the old style of living,
you know, in this desert
and they're happy.
It's pretty remarkable.
We are gonna eat together,
there, around that very fire,
I mean, this is proper hospitality.
Oh, wow. This looks beautiful.
Oh, grazie.
Fantastic. Thank you.
This is a wonderful treat.
Back home, we'd be getting
ready with turkeys and beef
and this is completely different.
Look at the children's faces.
If I give this to my kids, they
would never talk to me again.
Right.
Oh, really?
This is gonna be like
a Bushtucker Trial.
It's for me.
LAUGHS
For Gordon?
No, for you,
listen to him! Yeah.
What did he get, the dick?
LAUGHS
It's the head.
Oh, OK.
You don't have that in the head.
Unless you're a dickhead.
LAUGHTER
Merci beaucoup.
Do we say, uh, grace?
Bismillah. Bismillah.
Bismillah.
Thank you.
I've got a... I've got a cheek.
The sheep head's delicious.
Really good.
Oh, my God.
How's the eyeball?
Disgusting.
SPEAKS ARABIC
Has Mustapha.
Can I ask Grandad,
how was the fish?
Number one?
Thank you.
Shall we have the sweet bread?
You like it.
Bueno?
Brava. See, she talks Italian, now.
So, every Christmas and New Year,
we would clink glasses and go...
"Cheers."
Salute.
Thank you.
ALL:
Merry Christmas.
Merry Desert Christmas.
This is where we're gonna sleep.
Seriously?
What do you mean we're gonna sleep?
This is all open, man.
What is this bag?
It's Christmas decoration,
I got all the Christmas decoration,
so then
it looks like it's Christmas.
Where are you going, now?
I need to go for a wee
and I'm getting changed.
# It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas. #
What kind of decoration
did you have, Gordon,
when you were at home,
when you were a boy?
Chocolate Santas
and gingerbread men.
# But the prettiest sight to see
# ls the holly that will be
# On your own front door. #
You have to be kidding me.
It's warm and it's cosy.
I don't care.
LAUGHS
The shoes!
Come round here,
I want you to go on my shoulders
and then you can go
on the top of the tree.
Are you kidding me?
This is gonna look beautiful,
Gordon.
Oh, the eyeball is repeating on
me. Don't you dare fart.
LAUGHTER
I got the eyeballs coming out.
You keep that in that fucking
onesie, don't you dare.
Get him down, get him down!
Look, guys, there is a star,
as well. Look!
These people,
they may not celebrate Christmas,
but we definitely brought
Christmas to Morocco!
How about that?
# It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas. #
I used to love it
when it snowed at Christmas,
because that really confirmed
that Father Christmas
was literally en route.
Gordon, can I have
some of the quilt?
You seriously only had one
flipping job to do!
Fucking hell. Useless!
CAMEL GROWLS
# You better watch out
# You better not cry
# You better not pout
I'm telling you why
# Gordon, Gino and Fred
are in town. #
LAUGHS
Ready, boys?
Oh, yes.
# He sees you when you're sleeping
# He knows when you're awake
# He knows if you've been
Bad or good,
# So be good, for goodness sake.
# Oh, oh, oh. #
CAR BEEPS
LAUGHTER
Ohhhh!
Gordon, Gordon, Gordon!
Don't antagonise the locals, please!
CARS BEEP
'After our debacle
in the desert,
'thank God we've been reunited
with our trusty camper van.'
Let's not get arrested. But you're
supposed to be navigating.
'We are heading into Marrakesh's
old town, or Medina.
'I'm trying to find the main square,
jemaa el-Fnaa'
You know where we are going, right?
SATNAV SPEAKS ARABIC
I've no... You're supposed
to be on the satnav.
This is all in Arabic.
I have no idea what this thing says.
BEEPS
How am I gonna navigate
if it says Arab, Arabic.
Stop whingeing, it's Christmas,
what's wrong with you two?
BEEPING
THEY SCREAM
My friend...
Oh, my lord.
Shit.
Gordon, Gordon, Gordon, Gordon!
Can you focus on staying
in the middle of the road?
I'm trying, the bikes
are on the inside!
I'm feeling anxious.
BEEPING
Mind the donkey on the left
and the car on the right.
GINO IMITATES HONKING
There's no structure.
What is called?
Jemaa el-Fnaa? jemaa el-Fnaa.
My friend!
Jemaa elf... Ah-fina.
Jemaa el- Fnaa.
Jemaa el... hell... Fnaa.
He says straight, straight.
Right. This looks like it over here.
Oh, this must be this.
Look at that.
It's like a festival of colours.
This is amazing.
Look at the colour of the food.
Can we park this van,
I want to go and walk now.
You know, this place,
jemaa el-Fnaa. Yes.
It used to be the place where public
executions took place. What?!
Yeah. The name of the place means
The Assembly Of The Dead.
They used to chop
all the heads here!
'It's not my first time in Morocco.
'I fell in love with this country
years ago.
'But, I think the boys are in for a
shock, because it is pandemonium.'
'You've gotta be on your toes.'
Gino is not fast-thinking
and Fred, well, God bless him,
you know, he's not the sharpest tool
in the box.
Oh, look, snakes!
Oh, my lord.
Oh, to hell!
Oh! Ask if they bite.
Yeah, they bite!
Biting his head.
Yeah. Why would you do that?
It's almost like a performing zoo,
but it's their culture.
It's how they survive.
This is crazy!
Oh, shoot, he just got a bite.
Ask if they're poison.
Shit, no!
LAUGHS
No way, no, no.
No way am I doing that.
SCREAMS
What's going on here?
Watch out, watch out, watch out.
Oh, fuck that.
CHANTS
It's a cobra! It's a cobra!
Shit, shit, shit.
LAUGHS
Oh, my God. Here he goes again.
'Fred dives into things
without thinking.'
Finally, I think Fred's got balls.
Gordon!
Oh, my God, no, no, no.
I was petrified.
Pet-ri-fied!
But, at the end of the day,
somebody's gotta step up and show
these two clowns how it's done.
APPLAUSE
I was fucking shitting myself.
Huh?
Shitting myself.
Is it me or this place
is full of knick-knack?
It's incredible.
It's almost like walking
through a postcard. Ready?
'My slightly unhinged friends and I
'had made it to Marrakesh,
'the city that Churchill described
'as the Paris of the Sahara.
'Of course,
Gino wants to rock the Kasbah.'
Shall we do some shopping?
What are you looking for?
I want to get a belly dancer costume
for my wife.
Can you imagine?
No. No, I cannot.
Hey, that's what you wanted.
I want you to just model for me
for a sec.
Move a little bit.
That's it. I like it.
800?
Tell him I'll get another wife.
I'm gonna put Gino inside, rub it.
Hopefully he'll pop out
a bigger man.
Look at the magic carpet.
Look at this.
What are these, spices?
It's like being in a doctor's.
Have you got something for...?
Oh, Jesus. I need
a Christmas present for my wife.
OK.
Pfft! That stinks.
How does it work?
Oh, my God.
Ping? So, three bags of that,
and three bags of that, please.
Is this female Viagra, is it legal?
Of course.
He's shy.
We'll take it for you, Gordon.
Don't worry.
What kind of Christmas is this?
Spice up your Christmas, my friend.
My life does not need spicing.
Mr Boring Ramsay.
B-O-R-l-N-G.
We're supposed to be looking
for lamb, mechoui lamb.
'We were on the hunt for
the best lamb in Marrakesh
'after a tip-off
from our host in the desert.'
How do know where to find it?
It's in Mechoui Alley.
OK, let's go.
And we have to ask for Mustapha.
Mustapha?
Mustapha.
Bonjour, Monsieur.
Mustapha?
Merck.
Look, there's a sign there.
Mustapha.
THEY SPEAK FRENCH
Gordon. Gino.
Hello. How are you doing?
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
He says we can try the
royal mechoui of Marrakesh here.
'People come from miles around
for Mustapha's mechoui
'or spit roast.
'He slow-roasts the whole lamb
and sells up to 40 a day.'
THEY SPEAK FRENCH
It's 50 years he's been working here
doing the mechoui.
His father and his grandfather
were here cooking mechoui.
How'd you get a lamb
like that cooked?
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
They've got an oven.
Where?
Just behind.
Stop it. Where?
May I?
Oh, my God. Wow.
Two hours?
Two hours?
No salt, no spices.
Nothing?
There's about 12 lamb
underneath in that oven there.
I'm hungry.
Oh, my Lord. And what's
the seasoning there, what is it?
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
Oh, wow.
Don't put too much.
What are you doing?
I don't need any seasoning.
This looks incredible.
Nice and flat.
Oh, my God.
FRED SPEAKS FRENCH
Delicious.
Best lamb I had.
Best lamb.
Flaky. Simple.
So tender and succulent.
For me, you'd serve this
quality of lamb in a restaurant.
I can see this on the menu
at the Savoy. Delicious.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
He said he's so happy to meet
a proper chef for the first time.
Let me pay.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
GORDON SPEAKS FRENCH
GINO SPEAKS ARABIC
That has to be the best lamb
I've ever tasted.
Better than anything
in Gino's Bar and Grill.
I am going to make
a beautiful mulled wine.
I've got a few olives. What about
a nice tapenade with bruschetta?
We're just having toast?
Olives on toast, that's it?
It's tapenade on bruschetta.
So black olives, green olives.
Then fresh garlic.
I put a touch of mint
and harissa paste.
Thank you. Salute.
Salute.
A slice of toast.
Let's relax.
Nice.
Why is it so salty?
It's not salty at all.
That is salty as anything.
Take the criticism.
As a chef, you just need
to know where to draw the line.
It's salty.
I've got a present for you.
What is it?
I got it in the market.
For somebody who doesn't like
tapenade on bruschetta,
you're doing quite well, aren't you?
He always complains
when I cook something.
Then he eats everything.
I think he's getting old, that guy.
Well, he is 52.
No, he's 53. Fuck me.
HE LAUGHS
Are you...
Are you two...
Are you two for real?
We are ready.
LAUGHTER
This reminds me of Christmas
on my house.
Argument
and then we cuddle each other.
CALL TO PRAYER
MUSIC: 'jingle Bells'
# Dashing through the snow
# In a one-horse open sleigh
# O'er the fields we go
# Laughing all the way
LAUGHTER
Gordon, be careful of
that red light. It's flashing.
But then it goes off again.
It's fine. Relax.
How lucky are we to be here
in the middle of a saffron harvest?
Ho-ho-ho.
'Saffron can only be picked
for three weeks every year.
'Today we are heading
to the Ourika Valley
'in the foothills
of the Atlas mountains
'for the harvest of the world's
most expensive spice.'
Talking about expensive spices.
Yes.
What has been your most expensive
Christmas present that you received?
My one, if I tell you,
you won't believe me.
Go on.
My wife went to an auction
for charity.
Yes.
For £3,700,
one pubic hair from Madonna.
What?
That's disgusting.
It comes in a transparent box
in a nice frame.
It's about this long.
What colour was it?
It's a bit like your colour.
Blond?
Well...
It's come back on again.
Now it's gone back off again.
The light.
What have you done?
I don't know.
The red light has come on now.
It says stop.
Don't go in the ditch.
You're on the ditch.
It said stop.
Shit. Now it's fucked.
Try and turn it on. Try.
CLICKING
Just lock it.
See, we are here.
And we need to get there.
Right.
It's a flipping long way.
We're supposed to be picking
saffron, and look at you two.
Why are you going so fast?
Why? Cos I hate hanging around.
Let's go for a light jog.
No. No.
Come on, Gino.
My shoes are not good for that.
What are you doing?
LAUGHTER
I'm doing the Italian jog.
Oh, Gordon.
Yes.
Look. The man with the donkey.
Bonjour.
FRED SPEAKS ARABIC
Hello.
Gino.
Now, see there?
Look.
Then left.
MAN SPEAKS ARABIC
He said, yes, OK. Thank you.
I'm gonna go there.
Gino.
Watch out, there's a goat
and three chickens.
# Just hear
Those sleigh bells jingling
# Ring-ting-tingling too
# Come on, its lovely weather
# For a sleigh ride
Together with you
BLEATS
"Come to Jerusalem
to celebrate Christmas with me."
Really?
We are together, right.
We are together.
That's the most important thing.
It's about being together
for Christmas.
# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up
Let's go
# Let's look at the show
In a sort of funny way,
I'm happy that the van broke down.
Really? Why?
Because we're never going
to experience something like this.
It's like we've been back
2,000 years ago
# We're gliding along with a song
# Of a wintery fairyland
You know the name of saffron
comes from the Arabic "zafaran",
and it means "yellow".
Some people say
it's effective as a stimulant
for people who have ADHD.
What?
People who are hyperactive
like Gordon.
That's why I put saffron
in my coffee, that's why. Do you?
Yes.
CHICKEN CLUCKS
Are there any e995?
Argh!
CLUCKING
Gino.
Look, we're getting overtaken
by kids on bikes.
Bonjour.
Merry Christmas. Really?
I could walk faster.
# Jiflg ling Ji"9- #
How far now?
Every time I move, this pin changes.
Oh, my God.
Don't do that. I don't understand
what he says, either.
'We're in the foothills
of Morocco's Atlas Mountains,
'where, once again,
Gino the Genius has got us lost.
'If we manage to find
the saffron farm,
'I want to take some home and add
a twist to my Christmas stuffing.'
Christmas day, do you have turkey?
I...
hate turkey.
What?!
I really dislike...
I really, really don't like turkey.
You're not cooking it properly!
What do you mean I'm not cooking...
I've tried many recipes.
I've tried everything,
put the streaky bacon on top,
put the butter between.
Baste, baste, baste.
Yeah, but it's bland, it's dry!
It's not.
And let it rest
for as long as you cook it.
What about over there? Come on.
Bonjour!
SPEAKS FRENCH
SPEAKS FRENCH
'Finally.'
How are you, are you OK?
Hi, I'm Fred.
'Lynn Ducker moved to Morocco seven
years ago and started her farm,
'Zahor Saffron, by hand-planting
eight tons of crocus bulbs.
'She now produces some of the
highest-grade saffron in the world.'
Is it one unique flower
or can you get saffron from
different variety of flowers?
Like a four-leaf clover.
Why are they all women in the field?
Women are more delicate. I mean,
look at his sausage fingers.
LYNN LAUGHS
You could not pick up a saffron.
The only things you can pick up
is a fillet steak.
Trust me, I could pick up saffron.
This one here?
So beautiful. I've never
picked saffron before, ever.
# I'm just mad about saffron
# And saffron's mad about me. #
So that's what makes it
so expensive?
'A gram of saffron contains 500
threads and can sell for up to £75,
'making it more expensive
than gold.'
# They call me mellow yellow
# Quite right
# They call me mellow yellow. #
Gino!
What?
Stay in your lane! There is no
flowers in there. Stay...
You're not looking properly.
Look at the flowers you're missing.
You can't just pick
different people's lanes.
Guys, can I just let you know
there are some ladies
that are working in silence.
If people were screaming like this
in your kitchen, Gordon...
He's jumping over lanes,
you need to complete the lane.
You can't just go
where the flowers are, look!
I'm not deaf,
you don't have to shout.
Hello.
Can I take yours?
CLEARS THROAT
One second, I need another
tray, guys.
Excuse me,
you stole from the ladies!
You just went to the girl
over there. There is... No, no.
I have been breaking my back here
and that's all I got.
I haven't been talking.
Well, you're too slow.
And you are a cheater.
Is it true that saffron... uh
makes your willy go like ping!
LAUGHS
OK.
That's a nice sidecar.
That's a nice one?
Salaam alaikum. Bonjour.
'These Berber ladies extract a
staggering two million red threads
'every harvest.
Worth around £30,000.'
I feel very relaxed being here.
You can hear the bees,
it's very quiet and calm.
Why?
Now I understand
why it's so expensive,
because it's so time-consuming
and you need to have
all these hands working.
My God, what a labour of love
this is.
I have a four... strand.
One, two, three, four.
That means... good luck.
You've just ruined my Christmas.
LAUGHTER
I was all excited and then boom.
I'm scared, Gordon!
GORDON CHEERS
'With our camper out of fuel,
I've 'borrowed'
'this vintage Russian
motorbike and sidecar
'to get us back to Marrakesh.'
I can't see the map!
'If we can find it, that is.'
Turn right.
Gino, it's not right.
Yes, it is right!
No, it's not.
Look. That's where Marrakesh is.
Shit.
Guys, I lost the piece
that says Marrakesh.
Seriously?
Excuse me!
FRED WHISTLES
Salaam alaikum.
Excuse me, bonjour.
Marrakesh?
Marrakesh?
Back that way?
Over there.
Fucking hell.
Thank you.
He looks German!
LAUGHTER
We need to go right, now.
Are you sure this is the way?
That's what
the navigation system said.
GINO SPEAKS ITALIAN
I'm gonna die in Morocco.
I don't want to die.
What the fuck?
Ooh, la, la.
It was a stupid idea
with this three-wheeled car.
My nuts. Ooh!
I think we've got lost.
Right, there's a village there.
Slow down, there's goats everywhere.
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
GOATS BLEAT
Salaam alaikum.
Here. Allez, allez.
Allez, let's go! Beep beep.
GORDON LAUGHS
Which way to Marrakesh?
Follow the sheeps!
FRED SPEAKS FRENCH
Marrakesh?
Come on, jump up!
LAUGHTER
Jump! Jump!
EXCLAIMS
LAUGHTER
SCREAMS
LAUGHS
Come on, come on!
This is very dangerous!
My bum!
Two hours of this to Marrakesh!
BEEPS
Two hours!
# We three Kings
of a three-wheeled car!
# Bearing gifts
We travel so far
# Red and gold
And thought we are in Jordan!
# Follow the yonder star... #
Jordan?
MAKES RANDOM NOISES
Normally, I'd be putting the turkey
in, this time in the morning.
What would you be doing?
I watch Only Fools And Horses.
Christmas Day morning? You don't
help with the cooking? Not really.
Oh, I love that programme.
I watch Only Fools And Horses,
I sit there,
with a packet of cheese puff.
I like cheese puff.
'After our rough ride
back to Marrakesh,
'we've enjoyed a night
of relative luxury
'in a traditional riad guest house
in the medieval Medina.'
Smell?
Oh, wow.
Delicious.
I'm gonna go crazy on the saffron.
Oh, you're generous.
'I'm laying on a festive feast
with a distinctive Moroccan flavour
'for the three of us.'
I think it is great to have
this dish in Morocco, the tangia.
Everything in one pot,
nice and easy.
The fascinating thing
about THIS tangia,
with that saffron and that butter,
it doesn't need stock.
'The centrepiece of the meal
is a beef tangia,
'a dish that takes its name
from the urn-shaped pot
'that it's cooked in
'and traditionally prepared
by the man of the house.
'Naturally, that means me.'
Do you have, like a...
like a Christmas, you know...?
Ho-ho-ho, jingle my bells.
Oh, Christmas day morning?
I have a busy day Christmas Day.
LAUGHS
My sous chef needs to get his mind
out the gutter and onto the veg.
I'm just massaging all the spices
and the oil into the cauliflower,
so you get a fantastic colour
and flavour.
Right, tangia ready,
beetroot's ready.
Hot roasted cauliflower, done.
Now, this is gonna cook
in a unique way. Let's go.
I need to wash my hand first.
Before we can eat,
I need to find the oven.
We couldn't be any deeper
in the souk.
This is where all the locals come
for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Which way?
Left, left, left, left.
Is it here?
Come here.
Are you sure
we are in the right place?
B0njour!
Bonjour. Salaam alaikum.
Come down, come down.
Now, this is the oven.
Ohh!
Feel that heat? Shit, that's hot.
Beetroot, there.
Just shuffle...
I love this country, it's like we
are going back to biblical time!
'These ancient community ovens
can be found all over the Medina,
'as most people who live here
don't have one at home.'
Whilst that's cooking slowly,
we're gonna have a hammam.
What's a hammam?
It's like a medieval spa, Gino.
See those pipes? This generates
all the steam into that hammam.
Traditionally, they would come here,
drop this off on Thursday night,
pick it up Friday morning
and literally have a hammam
in order to be super clean,
ready for a prayer day.
And it's all men?
Of course it's all men!
Time to bond. Come on.
Here, men, you know, they are very
affectionate with each other.
Very intimate. They held hands and
they do all these things together,
they cook the tangia,
they go to the hammam. Exactly.
You have no hair on your chest.
I know I've got no fucking hair
on my chest, I'm not a hairy person.
You don't have any hair!
Stop nipping it.
You wax?
No, I don't wax!
You shave?
No, I don't shave!
Do you use cream instead?
Cream?!
What's wrong with you two?
GREETINGS
This is beautiful.
That's for me?
'A full body exfoliation
and massage,
'the perfect Christmas treat
for metrosexual men like us.'
He's taking off my skin!
# I feel it in my fingers
SCREAMS
# I feel it in my toes
GROANS
GROANS
# Christmas is all around me
GROANING
# And so the feeling grows
PANTS
Oooohhhhh!
# So if you really love Christmas
# Come on and let it snow
Ah. Oh. Ah! Ooh!
# Come on and let it show! #
SHRIEKS
I have to say, Gordon, I don't think
that this is your best idea.
Hand me another plate, please.
Perfect. This looks good, man.
You know what's nice about
celebrating Christmas here, Gino?
Look, you got the mosque everywhere.
Every three or four hours,
they call people for prayer.
This is as far as you can get from
Christmas and, yet, here we are.
Look. Look at this table,
look at this shirt. I'm ready.
Are we gonna have a drink or what?
Yeah, I've got it all prepared.
Ah, that looks beautiful, Fred.
Thank you, Gordon. Now...
Now... this is the moment.
I'm looking forward to this.
The smell of this...
Ohhhh!
Now that is what I call
a Moroccan tangia.
Look at the colour!
Beautiful.
'As well as my succulent
beef tangia,
'flavoured with saffron
and preserved lemon,
'our Christmas spread includes
'Gino's slow-roasted beetroot
and goats cheese salad,
'drizzled with honey.'
That's it!
'And a mountain of steamed seasonal
vegetables on a bed of couscous.
'Fresh herbs and spices infuse
every dish with Moroccan magic.'
Guys, it wouldn't be Christmas
without a tipple.
This is called A Desert Crossing.
Cauliflower smells delicious.
15ml of saffron liquor...
and about 15ml of gin.
That's enough, thank you.
The champagne...
We're listening, we're listening.
And 10ml of lemon.
Nice.
Here you are. Gordon.
A Desert Crossing for you.
A Desert Crossing, thank you.
For you, mon ami.
Love the colour.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!
Taste the tangia.
Yes.
Close your eyes...
Oh, beautiful.
...and put that tangia
in your mouth.
What comes to mind?
First impressions? OK...
Super tender.
Must be because all the spices, must
be because of the slow cooking. Mm.
Now, I want you to do exactly
the same with the cauliflower,
close your eyes.
Put it on my fork?
Yeah.
Ready?
SCREAMS
LAUGHTER
I'm missing my wife!
GORDON LAUGHS
# Underneath the mistletoe... #
'What a Christmas feast,
everything was just exceptional.
'It was different, but one of the
best that I personally had.'
Pull the cracker. Ready?
Three, two, one.
Make sure the quiff
is above the crown. Let's see.
Goes, I wanna play a game.
Who Am I?
I play that with my kids
all the time.
So, what we do,
we write a name on our hat
and the others are going to try
and guess what we've written.
Can I go first?
All right.
I'll write one on and this
one is going on Gino.
Got it?
Yep.
That's it.
OK.
Old or young?
LAUGHTER
What... What, who is...?
I used to be in love with her
when I was a boy. OK.
LAUGHS
What was that?
OK, OK, OK. Wait. Yeah?
LAUGHS
Big knockers?
Yes!
Big boobies. Yes!
Pamela Anderson!
Well done, that's a good one.
OK, now, your turn.
This is one of my real heroes.
OK?
Yes.
Male or female?
Uh... male.
Um... Italian?
He wishes.
OK, uh...
OK, let me, I'll help you out.
LONDON ACCENT: All right, mate,
so, uh, this is how you do it,
you just put a few nuts...
Oi, pukka. That is pukka!
Jamie Oliver!
Yes!
LAUGHTER
Cheers!
Salute. Salute.
This cocktail's amazing,
by the way.
Thank you.
It's going to my head.
'Magical.'
It doesn't really matter
where you are.
If you are with the right people,
you gonna have a hell of a time.
That's fantastic!
How beautiful is that?
What a week we've just had.
I've experienced things that
I've never, ever dreamt of before.
My favourite part
was when we went to see the family
in the middle of the desert.
They shared everything with us
and this is the spirit of Christmas.
It took me forever to find these,
Gordon.
Where did you get the size?
'It's been an amazing
Moroccan Christmas week.'
Of course, I love the boys,
but my real Christmas
starts tomorrow with my family.
Oh... Good idea, Gino.
What are you doing?!
Trying to get a song that we know.
I...
Be patient.
MUSIC: 'Driving Home For Christmas'
by Chris Rea
Beautiful!
ALL: # Driving home for Christmas
# I can't wait to see those faces
Woo hoo!
# Driving home for Christmas
MUMBLING WORDS
Yeah, me too,
I don't know the words!
Come on!
# Driving home for Christmas...
Listen, I need to ask you something,
it's been bothering me.
Where are we gonna go next?
Do you want to know?
Yes!
Guess what, guys?
Go on.
We're going to-
HORN BEEPS
CHEERING
No way!
# Driving home for Christmas. #
Subtitles by ITV signpost
Yes.
What do you think?
Uh... I feel bad.
Why?
Because I've eaten camel before.
CAMEL GROWLS
How do you cook a camel?
Braise it.
Ah, so it's like a long...
Can have this conversation
away from the camels?
Well, listen... It's Christmas...
CAMEL GROWLS
Shit.
LAUGHTER
They're all getting up!
Now, how are we gonna get up there?
CAMEL GROWLS
He doesn't like you.
GINO LAUGHS
CAMEL GROWLS
LAUGHS
Can you take a picture of us three?
ALL: Happy Christmas!
LAUGHS
'Gino D'Acampo, Fred Sirieix
'and I are on a festive,
culinary adventure.'
Gino!
"Come to Jerusalem to celebrate
Christmas with me." Really?
'Thanks to a classic
D'Acampo cock-up, we're in...
'Morocco.'
I like it. Not the most obvious
choice for a Christmas getaway.
It's a cobra!
Mind the donkey on the
left and the car on the right.
SCREAMING
'But, as always,
'we'll be seeking out
the very best ingredients.'
How's the eyeball?
Disgusting.
'The warmest hospitality...'
Can you make 5,000 of those?
'..And Yuletide cheer.'
You have to be kidding me.
Merry Christmas.
CHEERS
'Three amigos.'
LAUGHS
'Three big egos.'
I hate turkey.
What?!
You're not cooking it properly.
'Back in the saddle, again.'
On my fork?
Yeah.
SCREAMS
LAUGHTER
# We three Kings of Orient are. #
"Would you like to come to Jerusalem
for Christmas?" Great idea, Gino.
Oui, the land of the three kings!
So why on earth
are we in the middle of Morocco?
Oh, come on.
I got good deals on the tickets.
What a doughnut.
CAMEL GROWLS
Why don't you just
embrace the Christmas in Morocco?
Brahim, how do you celebrate
Christmas in Morocco?
CAMEL GROWLS
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
A lot's wrong with it.
CAMEL GROWLS
Oh, this one is kicking!
Listen, we are in Morocco.
Here, the food is fantastic.
We gonna embrace the culture,
it's gonna be amazing.
'Thanks to Gino,
'our journey starts in the foothills
of the Atlas Mountains.'
We are heading north,
through the Agafay Desert,
to Morocco's cultural capital,
Marrakesh.
Home to the famous Medina.
It's very uncomfortable.
MOCKS ACCENT: Uncomfortable?
LAUGHS
Uncomfortable.
CAMEL GROWLS
Whoa! Holy shit.
"Fancy Christmas in Jerusalem?"
Really?
Listen, guys, Christmas is not about
where you are.
Christmas is about the people
you are with.
And I love the fact
that I am with you two at Christmas.
'These ships of the desert
can walk all day without stopping.
'Us? Not so much.'
Gino, I'm surprised
you haven't moaned yet.
I tell you what,
my testicles are killing me.
Have you ever got lost
in the desert, Brahim?
Wow.
My legs are killing me, Gino.
How much further to go? Seriously.
I need a wee.
Where are we going?
# Joy to the world
# The Lord is come. #
'Arab and Berber tribespeople have
been living in the Agafay Desert
'for thousands of years.'
'We'll never get to Marrakesh
before nightfall.
'We can only hope
there's some room at the inn.'
Gino. I've trapped one of my balls.
This is the worst bit for me.
GROANS
Shit.
CAMEL GROWLS
LAUGHTER
SPEAKS ARABIC
Bonjour.
Nice to see you.
SPEAKS ARABIC
Bonjour, Madame. May we take our...?
SPEAKS ARABIC
BRAHIM TRANSLATING:
Thank you. We're honoured
to be here. Thank you.
How old is the house?
A hundred years.
Wow.
Who is the best cook here?
No, not you!
We are talking about the family.
Little lady.
Do you cook? Ask her if she cooks?
No.
Nothing?
SPEAKS ARABIC
Thank you.
To pay him back, it'd be nice
to cook and help with dinner.
Where are we sleeping, please?
Wow. Nice.
Thank you.
So this is the kitchen?
Is there... like, like, a larder?
Gotcha.
Gordon!
LAUGHS
What is that?
That's what you're having tonight.
LAUGHS
How does this work?
GRUNTS
GRUNTS
Oh, it's so hard.
GROANS
How do you put these poles up?
Some cumin, tomatoes.
'My contribution to dinner
is a local fish, tilapia,
'cooked with ingredients
I raided from the larder.'
What you put in, lemon?
So, preserved lemon...
Yeah?
...some rosemary, some garlic,
yeah. Just inside.
My daughter, she's the same age,
seven years old,
and she already cooks.
OK, so
we can do this together, then.
We want to put all the...
Can I talk?
Do you need to make all this noise?
I'm chopping garlic!
What's wrong with you?
We need to put all the almonds...
We need to put all the dried fruits
in there
and then we mix it and we make it
into a... a sweet bread.
Yes.
I can't hold them up!
I have never done anything
like this in my life.
Et voila.
Not great.
So this fish
is gonna be grilled.
I'm just worried that it's not gonna
feed us all. ls there any meat?
SPEAKS ARABIC
Oh, we have meat, then.
Wow. Has it got the brains in there?
Being here, it makes you realise
that we have
far too many things in life.
Can she say brava?
Brava.
Brava!
People could very happily live in
a place like this, in this desert,
where there is nothing.
If your family are together,
everybody's happy.
Egg wash?
Si.
LAUGHING: Egg wash?
Did you see any eggs?
I heard a chicken.
GORDON LAUGHS
Just one.
One, just to brush.
She hides her eggs?
She hides her eggs.
Oh, my goodness me.
You got it?
Yeah. In the wardrobe.
GINO LAUGHS
Merci.
If you glaze this, it's gonna
come out so beautiful.
The problem is the flour
that they use.
LAUGHTER
ls important.
A little bit of oil on the bottom,
just not to stick.
How do we turn the gas up?
LAUGHTER
What's that, there?
The poo of the goats.
Goat shit.
We put the goat poo
in there, as well?
LS it?
Oh, OK.
Some... some poo.
The shit is in.
What are you doing?!
This is the old style of living,
you know, in this desert
and they're happy.
It's pretty remarkable.
We are gonna eat together,
there, around that very fire,
I mean, this is proper hospitality.
Oh, wow. This looks beautiful.
Oh, grazie.
Fantastic. Thank you.
This is a wonderful treat.
Back home, we'd be getting
ready with turkeys and beef
and this is completely different.
Look at the children's faces.
If I give this to my kids, they
would never talk to me again.
Right.
Oh, really?
This is gonna be like
a Bushtucker Trial.
It's for me.
LAUGHS
For Gordon?
No, for you,
listen to him! Yeah.
What did he get, the dick?
LAUGHS
It's the head.
Oh, OK.
You don't have that in the head.
Unless you're a dickhead.
LAUGHTER
Merci beaucoup.
Do we say, uh, grace?
Bismillah. Bismillah.
Bismillah.
Thank you.
I've got a... I've got a cheek.
The sheep head's delicious.
Really good.
Oh, my God.
How's the eyeball?
Disgusting.
SPEAKS ARABIC
Has Mustapha.
Can I ask Grandad,
how was the fish?
Number one?
Thank you.
Shall we have the sweet bread?
You like it.
Bueno?
Brava. See, she talks Italian, now.
So, every Christmas and New Year,
we would clink glasses and go...
"Cheers."
Salute.
Thank you.
ALL:
Merry Christmas.
Merry Desert Christmas.
This is where we're gonna sleep.
Seriously?
What do you mean we're gonna sleep?
This is all open, man.
What is this bag?
It's Christmas decoration,
I got all the Christmas decoration,
so then
it looks like it's Christmas.
Where are you going, now?
I need to go for a wee
and I'm getting changed.
# It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas. #
What kind of decoration
did you have, Gordon,
when you were at home,
when you were a boy?
Chocolate Santas
and gingerbread men.
# But the prettiest sight to see
# ls the holly that will be
# On your own front door. #
You have to be kidding me.
It's warm and it's cosy.
I don't care.
LAUGHS
The shoes!
Come round here,
I want you to go on my shoulders
and then you can go
on the top of the tree.
Are you kidding me?
This is gonna look beautiful,
Gordon.
Oh, the eyeball is repeating on
me. Don't you dare fart.
LAUGHTER
I got the eyeballs coming out.
You keep that in that fucking
onesie, don't you dare.
Get him down, get him down!
Look, guys, there is a star,
as well. Look!
These people,
they may not celebrate Christmas,
but we definitely brought
Christmas to Morocco!
How about that?
# It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas. #
I used to love it
when it snowed at Christmas,
because that really confirmed
that Father Christmas
was literally en route.
Gordon, can I have
some of the quilt?
You seriously only had one
flipping job to do!
Fucking hell. Useless!
CAMEL GROWLS
# You better watch out
# You better not cry
# You better not pout
I'm telling you why
# Gordon, Gino and Fred
are in town. #
LAUGHS
Ready, boys?
Oh, yes.
# He sees you when you're sleeping
# He knows when you're awake
# He knows if you've been
Bad or good,
# So be good, for goodness sake.
# Oh, oh, oh. #
CAR BEEPS
LAUGHTER
Ohhhh!
Gordon, Gordon, Gordon!
Don't antagonise the locals, please!
CARS BEEP
'After our debacle
in the desert,
'thank God we've been reunited
with our trusty camper van.'
Let's not get arrested. But you're
supposed to be navigating.
'We are heading into Marrakesh's
old town, or Medina.
'I'm trying to find the main square,
jemaa el-Fnaa'
You know where we are going, right?
SATNAV SPEAKS ARABIC
I've no... You're supposed
to be on the satnav.
This is all in Arabic.
I have no idea what this thing says.
BEEPS
How am I gonna navigate
if it says Arab, Arabic.
Stop whingeing, it's Christmas,
what's wrong with you two?
BEEPING
THEY SCREAM
My friend...
Oh, my lord.
Shit.
Gordon, Gordon, Gordon, Gordon!
Can you focus on staying
in the middle of the road?
I'm trying, the bikes
are on the inside!
I'm feeling anxious.
BEEPING
Mind the donkey on the left
and the car on the right.
GINO IMITATES HONKING
There's no structure.
What is called?
Jemaa el-Fnaa? jemaa el-Fnaa.
My friend!
Jemaa elf... Ah-fina.
Jemaa el- Fnaa.
Jemaa el... hell... Fnaa.
He says straight, straight.
Right. This looks like it over here.
Oh, this must be this.
Look at that.
It's like a festival of colours.
This is amazing.
Look at the colour of the food.
Can we park this van,
I want to go and walk now.
You know, this place,
jemaa el-Fnaa. Yes.
It used to be the place where public
executions took place. What?!
Yeah. The name of the place means
The Assembly Of The Dead.
They used to chop
all the heads here!
'It's not my first time in Morocco.
'I fell in love with this country
years ago.
'But, I think the boys are in for a
shock, because it is pandemonium.'
'You've gotta be on your toes.'
Gino is not fast-thinking
and Fred, well, God bless him,
you know, he's not the sharpest tool
in the box.
Oh, look, snakes!
Oh, my lord.
Oh, to hell!
Oh! Ask if they bite.
Yeah, they bite!
Biting his head.
Yeah. Why would you do that?
It's almost like a performing zoo,
but it's their culture.
It's how they survive.
This is crazy!
Oh, shoot, he just got a bite.
Ask if they're poison.
Shit, no!
LAUGHS
No way, no, no.
No way am I doing that.
SCREAMS
What's going on here?
Watch out, watch out, watch out.
Oh, fuck that.
CHANTS
It's a cobra! It's a cobra!
Shit, shit, shit.
LAUGHS
Oh, my God. Here he goes again.
'Fred dives into things
without thinking.'
Finally, I think Fred's got balls.
Gordon!
Oh, my God, no, no, no.
I was petrified.
Pet-ri-fied!
But, at the end of the day,
somebody's gotta step up and show
these two clowns how it's done.
APPLAUSE
I was fucking shitting myself.
Huh?
Shitting myself.
Is it me or this place
is full of knick-knack?
It's incredible.
It's almost like walking
through a postcard. Ready?
'My slightly unhinged friends and I
'had made it to Marrakesh,
'the city that Churchill described
'as the Paris of the Sahara.
'Of course,
Gino wants to rock the Kasbah.'
Shall we do some shopping?
What are you looking for?
I want to get a belly dancer costume
for my wife.
Can you imagine?
No. No, I cannot.
Hey, that's what you wanted.
I want you to just model for me
for a sec.
Move a little bit.
That's it. I like it.
800?
Tell him I'll get another wife.
I'm gonna put Gino inside, rub it.
Hopefully he'll pop out
a bigger man.
Look at the magic carpet.
Look at this.
What are these, spices?
It's like being in a doctor's.
Have you got something for...?
Oh, Jesus. I need
a Christmas present for my wife.
OK.
Pfft! That stinks.
How does it work?
Oh, my God.
Ping? So, three bags of that,
and three bags of that, please.
Is this female Viagra, is it legal?
Of course.
He's shy.
We'll take it for you, Gordon.
Don't worry.
What kind of Christmas is this?
Spice up your Christmas, my friend.
My life does not need spicing.
Mr Boring Ramsay.
B-O-R-l-N-G.
We're supposed to be looking
for lamb, mechoui lamb.
'We were on the hunt for
the best lamb in Marrakesh
'after a tip-off
from our host in the desert.'
How do know where to find it?
It's in Mechoui Alley.
OK, let's go.
And we have to ask for Mustapha.
Mustapha?
Mustapha.
Bonjour, Monsieur.
Mustapha?
Merck.
Look, there's a sign there.
Mustapha.
THEY SPEAK FRENCH
Gordon. Gino.
Hello. How are you doing?
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
He says we can try the
royal mechoui of Marrakesh here.
'People come from miles around
for Mustapha's mechoui
'or spit roast.
'He slow-roasts the whole lamb
and sells up to 40 a day.'
THEY SPEAK FRENCH
It's 50 years he's been working here
doing the mechoui.
His father and his grandfather
were here cooking mechoui.
How'd you get a lamb
like that cooked?
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
They've got an oven.
Where?
Just behind.
Stop it. Where?
May I?
Oh, my God. Wow.
Two hours?
Two hours?
No salt, no spices.
Nothing?
There's about 12 lamb
underneath in that oven there.
I'm hungry.
Oh, my Lord. And what's
the seasoning there, what is it?
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
Oh, wow.
Don't put too much.
What are you doing?
I don't need any seasoning.
This looks incredible.
Nice and flat.
Oh, my God.
FRED SPEAKS FRENCH
Delicious.
Best lamb I had.
Best lamb.
Flaky. Simple.
So tender and succulent.
For me, you'd serve this
quality of lamb in a restaurant.
I can see this on the menu
at the Savoy. Delicious.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
He said he's so happy to meet
a proper chef for the first time.
Let me pay.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
GORDON SPEAKS FRENCH
GINO SPEAKS ARABIC
That has to be the best lamb
I've ever tasted.
Better than anything
in Gino's Bar and Grill.
I am going to make
a beautiful mulled wine.
I've got a few olives. What about
a nice tapenade with bruschetta?
We're just having toast?
Olives on toast, that's it?
It's tapenade on bruschetta.
So black olives, green olives.
Then fresh garlic.
I put a touch of mint
and harissa paste.
Thank you. Salute.
Salute.
A slice of toast.
Let's relax.
Nice.
Why is it so salty?
It's not salty at all.
That is salty as anything.
Take the criticism.
As a chef, you just need
to know where to draw the line.
It's salty.
I've got a present for you.
What is it?
I got it in the market.
For somebody who doesn't like
tapenade on bruschetta,
you're doing quite well, aren't you?
He always complains
when I cook something.
Then he eats everything.
I think he's getting old, that guy.
Well, he is 52.
No, he's 53. Fuck me.
HE LAUGHS
Are you...
Are you two...
Are you two for real?
We are ready.
LAUGHTER
This reminds me of Christmas
on my house.
Argument
and then we cuddle each other.
CALL TO PRAYER
MUSIC: 'jingle Bells'
# Dashing through the snow
# In a one-horse open sleigh
# O'er the fields we go
# Laughing all the way
LAUGHTER
Gordon, be careful of
that red light. It's flashing.
But then it goes off again.
It's fine. Relax.
How lucky are we to be here
in the middle of a saffron harvest?
Ho-ho-ho.
'Saffron can only be picked
for three weeks every year.
'Today we are heading
to the Ourika Valley
'in the foothills
of the Atlas mountains
'for the harvest of the world's
most expensive spice.'
Talking about expensive spices.
Yes.
What has been your most expensive
Christmas present that you received?
My one, if I tell you,
you won't believe me.
Go on.
My wife went to an auction
for charity.
Yes.
For £3,700,
one pubic hair from Madonna.
What?
That's disgusting.
It comes in a transparent box
in a nice frame.
It's about this long.
What colour was it?
It's a bit like your colour.
Blond?
Well...
It's come back on again.
Now it's gone back off again.
The light.
What have you done?
I don't know.
The red light has come on now.
It says stop.
Don't go in the ditch.
You're on the ditch.
It said stop.
Shit. Now it's fucked.
Try and turn it on. Try.
CLICKING
Just lock it.
See, we are here.
And we need to get there.
Right.
It's a flipping long way.
We're supposed to be picking
saffron, and look at you two.
Why are you going so fast?
Why? Cos I hate hanging around.
Let's go for a light jog.
No. No.
Come on, Gino.
My shoes are not good for that.
What are you doing?
LAUGHTER
I'm doing the Italian jog.
Oh, Gordon.
Yes.
Look. The man with the donkey.
Bonjour.
FRED SPEAKS ARABIC
Hello.
Gino.
Now, see there?
Look.
Then left.
MAN SPEAKS ARABIC
He said, yes, OK. Thank you.
I'm gonna go there.
Gino.
Watch out, there's a goat
and three chickens.
# Just hear
Those sleigh bells jingling
# Ring-ting-tingling too
# Come on, its lovely weather
# For a sleigh ride
Together with you
BLEATS
"Come to Jerusalem
to celebrate Christmas with me."
Really?
We are together, right.
We are together.
That's the most important thing.
It's about being together
for Christmas.
# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up
Let's go
# Let's look at the show
In a sort of funny way,
I'm happy that the van broke down.
Really? Why?
Because we're never going
to experience something like this.
It's like we've been back
2,000 years ago
# We're gliding along with a song
# Of a wintery fairyland
You know the name of saffron
comes from the Arabic "zafaran",
and it means "yellow".
Some people say
it's effective as a stimulant
for people who have ADHD.
What?
People who are hyperactive
like Gordon.
That's why I put saffron
in my coffee, that's why. Do you?
Yes.
CHICKEN CLUCKS
Are there any e995?
Argh!
CLUCKING
Gino.
Look, we're getting overtaken
by kids on bikes.
Bonjour.
Merry Christmas. Really?
I could walk faster.
# Jiflg ling Ji"9- #
How far now?
Every time I move, this pin changes.
Oh, my God.
Don't do that. I don't understand
what he says, either.
'We're in the foothills
of Morocco's Atlas Mountains,
'where, once again,
Gino the Genius has got us lost.
'If we manage to find
the saffron farm,
'I want to take some home and add
a twist to my Christmas stuffing.'
Christmas day, do you have turkey?
I...
hate turkey.
What?!
I really dislike...
I really, really don't like turkey.
You're not cooking it properly!
What do you mean I'm not cooking...
I've tried many recipes.
I've tried everything,
put the streaky bacon on top,
put the butter between.
Baste, baste, baste.
Yeah, but it's bland, it's dry!
It's not.
And let it rest
for as long as you cook it.
What about over there? Come on.
Bonjour!
SPEAKS FRENCH
SPEAKS FRENCH
'Finally.'
How are you, are you OK?
Hi, I'm Fred.
'Lynn Ducker moved to Morocco seven
years ago and started her farm,
'Zahor Saffron, by hand-planting
eight tons of crocus bulbs.
'She now produces some of the
highest-grade saffron in the world.'
Is it one unique flower
or can you get saffron from
different variety of flowers?
Like a four-leaf clover.
Why are they all women in the field?
Women are more delicate. I mean,
look at his sausage fingers.
LYNN LAUGHS
You could not pick up a saffron.
The only things you can pick up
is a fillet steak.
Trust me, I could pick up saffron.
This one here?
So beautiful. I've never
picked saffron before, ever.
# I'm just mad about saffron
# And saffron's mad about me. #
So that's what makes it
so expensive?
'A gram of saffron contains 500
threads and can sell for up to £75,
'making it more expensive
than gold.'
# They call me mellow yellow
# Quite right
# They call me mellow yellow. #
Gino!
What?
Stay in your lane! There is no
flowers in there. Stay...
You're not looking properly.
Look at the flowers you're missing.
You can't just pick
different people's lanes.
Guys, can I just let you know
there are some ladies
that are working in silence.
If people were screaming like this
in your kitchen, Gordon...
He's jumping over lanes,
you need to complete the lane.
You can't just go
where the flowers are, look!
I'm not deaf,
you don't have to shout.
Hello.
Can I take yours?
CLEARS THROAT
One second, I need another
tray, guys.
Excuse me,
you stole from the ladies!
You just went to the girl
over there. There is... No, no.
I have been breaking my back here
and that's all I got.
I haven't been talking.
Well, you're too slow.
And you are a cheater.
Is it true that saffron... uh
makes your willy go like ping!
LAUGHS
OK.
That's a nice sidecar.
That's a nice one?
Salaam alaikum. Bonjour.
'These Berber ladies extract a
staggering two million red threads
'every harvest.
Worth around £30,000.'
I feel very relaxed being here.
You can hear the bees,
it's very quiet and calm.
Why?
Now I understand
why it's so expensive,
because it's so time-consuming
and you need to have
all these hands working.
My God, what a labour of love
this is.
I have a four... strand.
One, two, three, four.
That means... good luck.
You've just ruined my Christmas.
LAUGHTER
I was all excited and then boom.
I'm scared, Gordon!
GORDON CHEERS
'With our camper out of fuel,
I've 'borrowed'
'this vintage Russian
motorbike and sidecar
'to get us back to Marrakesh.'
I can't see the map!
'If we can find it, that is.'
Turn right.
Gino, it's not right.
Yes, it is right!
No, it's not.
Look. That's where Marrakesh is.
Shit.
Guys, I lost the piece
that says Marrakesh.
Seriously?
Excuse me!
FRED WHISTLES
Salaam alaikum.
Excuse me, bonjour.
Marrakesh?
Marrakesh?
Back that way?
Over there.
Fucking hell.
Thank you.
He looks German!
LAUGHTER
We need to go right, now.
Are you sure this is the way?
That's what
the navigation system said.
GINO SPEAKS ITALIAN
I'm gonna die in Morocco.
I don't want to die.
What the fuck?
Ooh, la, la.
It was a stupid idea
with this three-wheeled car.
My nuts. Ooh!
I think we've got lost.
Right, there's a village there.
Slow down, there's goats everywhere.
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
GOATS BLEAT
Salaam alaikum.
Here. Allez, allez.
Allez, let's go! Beep beep.
GORDON LAUGHS
Which way to Marrakesh?
Follow the sheeps!
FRED SPEAKS FRENCH
Marrakesh?
Come on, jump up!
LAUGHTER
Jump! Jump!
EXCLAIMS
LAUGHTER
SCREAMS
LAUGHS
Come on, come on!
This is very dangerous!
My bum!
Two hours of this to Marrakesh!
BEEPS
Two hours!
# We three Kings
of a three-wheeled car!
# Bearing gifts
We travel so far
# Red and gold
And thought we are in Jordan!
# Follow the yonder star... #
Jordan?
MAKES RANDOM NOISES
Normally, I'd be putting the turkey
in, this time in the morning.
What would you be doing?
I watch Only Fools And Horses.
Christmas Day morning? You don't
help with the cooking? Not really.
Oh, I love that programme.
I watch Only Fools And Horses,
I sit there,
with a packet of cheese puff.
I like cheese puff.
'After our rough ride
back to Marrakesh,
'we've enjoyed a night
of relative luxury
'in a traditional riad guest house
in the medieval Medina.'
Smell?
Oh, wow.
Delicious.
I'm gonna go crazy on the saffron.
Oh, you're generous.
'I'm laying on a festive feast
with a distinctive Moroccan flavour
'for the three of us.'
I think it is great to have
this dish in Morocco, the tangia.
Everything in one pot,
nice and easy.
The fascinating thing
about THIS tangia,
with that saffron and that butter,
it doesn't need stock.
'The centrepiece of the meal
is a beef tangia,
'a dish that takes its name
from the urn-shaped pot
'that it's cooked in
'and traditionally prepared
by the man of the house.
'Naturally, that means me.'
Do you have, like a...
like a Christmas, you know...?
Ho-ho-ho, jingle my bells.
Oh, Christmas day morning?
I have a busy day Christmas Day.
LAUGHS
My sous chef needs to get his mind
out the gutter and onto the veg.
I'm just massaging all the spices
and the oil into the cauliflower,
so you get a fantastic colour
and flavour.
Right, tangia ready,
beetroot's ready.
Hot roasted cauliflower, done.
Now, this is gonna cook
in a unique way. Let's go.
I need to wash my hand first.
Before we can eat,
I need to find the oven.
We couldn't be any deeper
in the souk.
This is where all the locals come
for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Which way?
Left, left, left, left.
Is it here?
Come here.
Are you sure
we are in the right place?
B0njour!
Bonjour. Salaam alaikum.
Come down, come down.
Now, this is the oven.
Ohh!
Feel that heat? Shit, that's hot.
Beetroot, there.
Just shuffle...
I love this country, it's like we
are going back to biblical time!
'These ancient community ovens
can be found all over the Medina,
'as most people who live here
don't have one at home.'
Whilst that's cooking slowly,
we're gonna have a hammam.
What's a hammam?
It's like a medieval spa, Gino.
See those pipes? This generates
all the steam into that hammam.
Traditionally, they would come here,
drop this off on Thursday night,
pick it up Friday morning
and literally have a hammam
in order to be super clean,
ready for a prayer day.
And it's all men?
Of course it's all men!
Time to bond. Come on.
Here, men, you know, they are very
affectionate with each other.
Very intimate. They held hands and
they do all these things together,
they cook the tangia,
they go to the hammam. Exactly.
You have no hair on your chest.
I know I've got no fucking hair
on my chest, I'm not a hairy person.
You don't have any hair!
Stop nipping it.
You wax?
No, I don't wax!
You shave?
No, I don't shave!
Do you use cream instead?
Cream?!
What's wrong with you two?
GREETINGS
This is beautiful.
That's for me?
'A full body exfoliation
and massage,
'the perfect Christmas treat
for metrosexual men like us.'
He's taking off my skin!
# I feel it in my fingers
SCREAMS
# I feel it in my toes
GROANS
GROANS
# Christmas is all around me
GROANING
# And so the feeling grows
PANTS
Oooohhhhh!
# So if you really love Christmas
# Come on and let it snow
Ah. Oh. Ah! Ooh!
# Come on and let it show! #
SHRIEKS
I have to say, Gordon, I don't think
that this is your best idea.
Hand me another plate, please.
Perfect. This looks good, man.
You know what's nice about
celebrating Christmas here, Gino?
Look, you got the mosque everywhere.
Every three or four hours,
they call people for prayer.
This is as far as you can get from
Christmas and, yet, here we are.
Look. Look at this table,
look at this shirt. I'm ready.
Are we gonna have a drink or what?
Yeah, I've got it all prepared.
Ah, that looks beautiful, Fred.
Thank you, Gordon. Now...
Now... this is the moment.
I'm looking forward to this.
The smell of this...
Ohhhh!
Now that is what I call
a Moroccan tangia.
Look at the colour!
Beautiful.
'As well as my succulent
beef tangia,
'flavoured with saffron
and preserved lemon,
'our Christmas spread includes
'Gino's slow-roasted beetroot
and goats cheese salad,
'drizzled with honey.'
That's it!
'And a mountain of steamed seasonal
vegetables on a bed of couscous.
'Fresh herbs and spices infuse
every dish with Moroccan magic.'
Guys, it wouldn't be Christmas
without a tipple.
This is called A Desert Crossing.
Cauliflower smells delicious.
15ml of saffron liquor...
and about 15ml of gin.
That's enough, thank you.
The champagne...
We're listening, we're listening.
And 10ml of lemon.
Nice.
Here you are. Gordon.
A Desert Crossing for you.
A Desert Crossing, thank you.
For you, mon ami.
Love the colour.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!
Taste the tangia.
Yes.
Close your eyes...
Oh, beautiful.
...and put that tangia
in your mouth.
What comes to mind?
First impressions? OK...
Super tender.
Must be because all the spices, must
be because of the slow cooking. Mm.
Now, I want you to do exactly
the same with the cauliflower,
close your eyes.
Put it on my fork?
Yeah.
Ready?
SCREAMS
LAUGHTER
I'm missing my wife!
GORDON LAUGHS
# Underneath the mistletoe... #
'What a Christmas feast,
everything was just exceptional.
'It was different, but one of the
best that I personally had.'
Pull the cracker. Ready?
Three, two, one.
Make sure the quiff
is above the crown. Let's see.
Goes, I wanna play a game.
Who Am I?
I play that with my kids
all the time.
So, what we do,
we write a name on our hat
and the others are going to try
and guess what we've written.
Can I go first?
All right.
I'll write one on and this
one is going on Gino.
Got it?
Yep.
That's it.
OK.
Old or young?
LAUGHTER
What... What, who is...?
I used to be in love with her
when I was a boy. OK.
LAUGHS
What was that?
OK, OK, OK. Wait. Yeah?
LAUGHS
Big knockers?
Yes!
Big boobies. Yes!
Pamela Anderson!
Well done, that's a good one.
OK, now, your turn.
This is one of my real heroes.
OK?
Yes.
Male or female?
Uh... male.
Um... Italian?
He wishes.
OK, uh...
OK, let me, I'll help you out.
LONDON ACCENT: All right, mate,
so, uh, this is how you do it,
you just put a few nuts...
Oi, pukka. That is pukka!
Jamie Oliver!
Yes!
LAUGHTER
Cheers!
Salute. Salute.
This cocktail's amazing,
by the way.
Thank you.
It's going to my head.
'Magical.'
It doesn't really matter
where you are.
If you are with the right people,
you gonna have a hell of a time.
That's fantastic!
How beautiful is that?
What a week we've just had.
I've experienced things that
I've never, ever dreamt of before.
My favourite part
was when we went to see the family
in the middle of the desert.
They shared everything with us
and this is the spirit of Christmas.
It took me forever to find these,
Gordon.
Where did you get the size?
'It's been an amazing
Moroccan Christmas week.'
Of course, I love the boys,
but my real Christmas
starts tomorrow with my family.
Oh... Good idea, Gino.
What are you doing?!
Trying to get a song that we know.
I...
Be patient.
MUSIC: 'Driving Home For Christmas'
by Chris Rea
Beautiful!
ALL: # Driving home for Christmas
# I can't wait to see those faces
Woo hoo!
# Driving home for Christmas
MUMBLING WORDS
Yeah, me too,
I don't know the words!
Come on!
# Driving home for Christmas...
Listen, I need to ask you something,
it's been bothering me.
Where are we gonna go next?
Do you want to know?
Yes!
Guess what, guys?
Go on.
We're going to-
HORN BEEPS
CHEERING
No way!
# Driving home for Christmas. #
Subtitles by ITV signpost