Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript
*
Why are we meeting here?
Cos this is the Internet Cafe!
From here, we can go wherever
we want. Let's go to the library
and wait for the rasmalai
to finish their homework! No, man!
I'm talking about logging on
to the worldwide web, surfing
on the information superhighway!
W-W-What are you chatting about?
I'm talking about travelling
without moving.
We're taking
one of Uncle Davinder's cabs?
No, you pindoo!
From this computer, right,
we can access the Internet -
the greatest technological
revolution since trainers with
lights. Computers are for nerds!
Some of those nerds
in their bedrooms
have made billions of pounds!
No-one will pay you billions
for what you do in your bedroom!
Kiss my chuddies!
I'm talking about something
completely new.
Being a service provider
for the male population.
What's new about that? It's
the oldest profession in the world.
Will you take your mind out
of your chuddies for one second?
Listen to my vision - I'm talking
about setting up our own website!
It'll cater for every desi geezer
on Earth!
Cool! What are we providing, man?
What do you want more than anything?
Rasmalai!
Bingo! I'm talking about
virtual rasmalai! Cyber honeys!
Phat massivosity, man! Yeah, man!
We'll have every bindi-wearing babe
on the planet on our web page!
Let's do it!
Right! We're surfing!
We're cyber punks! We're riding the
techno wave of a brave new world!
How do you put it on? I dunno!
Let's go down the library, man!
Innit! Cha!
If you're anything like me, then
your desk probably looks like this.
Today, I'm going to show you how
to make a brilliant desk tidy from a
few empty containers in the kitchen,
like this old tin of tomatoes...
This bottle had cooking oil in it.
And these are empty spice pots.
If you're from a white family,
your desk tidy will look like this.
And, if you're Asian,
it will look like this...
I'm so pleased
to have met a woman like you.
You're like one of my best friends.
Really? Yeah.
Dave.
Are you leaving?
..Check, please.
Hello and welcome to Asian Arts.
The last few years have seen
an explosion in the popularity
of Asian arts in Britain,
and this week sees the launch
of the latest sensation,
which will do for Indian culture
what Riverdance did for the Irish.
I'm talking about Punjabis On Ice.
And here with me is the show's
writer-director, Baldev Singh.
Gita!
Could you tell me how
you first came up with this idea?
Well, I've always wanted to bring
the Indian ancient classical arts
to a wider audience.
So I thought, why not a good,
old-fashioned ice extravaganza?
The boys took to it straightaway.
So they were all natural skaters?
No.
You do have to remember that ice
is not the natural medium
for your average Punjabi.
So we replaced the ice.
Replaced the ice? With what?
Lino!
Lino?
Lino!
Right... Well, let's see a clip.
MUSIC: Finale of Ravel's Bolero
That actually looked like two fat
drunk men sliding round the kitchen.
Correct! And let me tell you -
it takes a lot of skill
to make it look that easy.
Let's move on.
You have some other projects
in the pipeline.
What are synchronised Parsees?
It is a performance
inspired by the sublime beauty
of synchronised swimming. Right...
So it's underwater? No.
You see, the Parsees involved
are desert dwellers.
They are not used to water.
So we replaced the water.
With what?
Lino!
Right, let's take a look,
shall we...?
Beautiful, isn't it? I'm sorry!
That's just two dumpy girls
sliding about your kitchen!
You want to know how
they hold their breath for so long!
Shut up! Is there anything else?
Skydiving Muslims. With lino(?)
No. Are you sure? Only a bit.
No!
Thank you, Baldev Singh.
Next week, Talvin Singh's soundtrack
to the Kathak dance version of
Hanif Kureishi's Buddha Of Suburbia.
They should do it on lino!
We should have taken my son's car.
It never breaks down.
I'll just call my son at his office.
He'll come and pick us up.
No. I'll call my son's personal
assistant at the company he owns.
He'll be here quicker.
Well, actually, my son has a
satellite linkup which he bought me.
He'll be here quicker.
Rubbish! We'll see about that.
Redial!
'Meanwhile, as Balwant Singh Jagee
works on a leaky radiator,
'unbeknownst to him, the inhabitants
of Bhangratown are being terrorised
by an evil new menace.
'Hearing their cries, Balwant
instantly leaps into action.'
Help!
Help!
Chakte pathe-e-e-e!
Bhangraman!
SPEAKS PUNJABI
I don't know what happened.
They came out of nowhere. ..That way.
Follow the ribbons. ..Right-oh.
'Using his uncanny bhangra abilities
and his amazing Dekko-Vision,
'Bhangraman recognised the work
of his archenemy.'
SPEAKS PUNJABI
Morris Dancer wallah!
Hey, nonny-no, lads!
I told you it would work.
Today - just shy of £300
from the village post office.
Tomorrow - the world!
Bhangraman!
Blimey!
Morris Dancer wallah!
SIMULTANEOUS
MORRIS-DANCING AND BHANGRA MUSIC
Brrrrrrrrrrrr! Chakte...
pathe-e-e-e-e-e-e!
Hurray!
Why, thanks, Bhangraman!
You've foiled the evil Morris Dancer
and saved us from a future
of performing ridiculous, outmoded
folk-dance routines. That's right.
How can we ever repay you?
Let's bhangra, baby!
Emergency services - which service?
I'd like the Sikh fire brigade,
please. Sorry?
The Sikh fire brigade.
You know - beards, turbans, hoses...
Or don't you know what a Sikh is,
you crypto-imperialist bootgirl?
We don't have a Sikh fire brigade,
but perhaps the regular fire service
can help? I get it! This isn't about
the regular fire service!
This is about the colour of my skin.
No, we just don't have any Sikh
firemen. Ha! Fell into my trap!
Why don't you have any?
Well, our firemen must wear helmets
for their own protection.
This is a black thing, innit? What?
If turbans were good enough
for my forefathers, why aren't
they good enough for firemen?
Because they're flammable!
Well, if you think
I'm going to help you discriminate
against my Sikh brothers,
you are sorely mistaken,
Sat Sri Akal!
Hello...?
The Punjabi ambulance service,
please.
S-S-So...
So what?
So your son hates you so much that
he's leaving you to die of exposure!
No.
My son knows how much I hate you,
so he's letting you die of exposure
to make me happy.
Well, my son is making me very happy
by ensuring that you die a very
horrible and slow and painful death,
your breath freezing in your lungs
until they are nothing
but two useless blocks of ice!
My son will take great pleasure
in knowing that bits of you
will freeze solid
and turn gangrenous and drop off
like leaves from a...
overweight, badly dressed tree...
I feel like we've got to know
each other, really connected.
Yeah, me too.
It's almost like we can read
each other's minds, innit? Yeah.
Check, please.
So...how big is his dunda?
I just can't wait to see my precious
grandchild. So chosen any names yet?
There's a few we fancy, aren't there,
Sunil? Huh?
We both like Ashwin. Ashwin -
a real pharmacist's name, eh?
Huh?
He likes it. Or there's Rohan.
Dr Rohan! ..What do you think?
I prefer... He's thrilled.
Or Rajeev. Rajeev - a prince's name,
a dentist prince with a Mercedes!
We thought, if it's a girl, we'd
call it either Lalita or Bharati...
Ah...
A girl?
Come on! Why think so negatively?
Huh? Well, why imagine the worst?
Lalita - the lavatory cleaner!
Bharati the buffalo...
Ask Sunil - he agrees with me.
Uh...
Boys are forceful and strong.
I think... Shut up!
They are independent and capable.
Can I say...? No!
..My Sunil's not like that.
He'd prefer a girl. I don't mind...
You see, what he's trying to say
is if you had a girl,
he'd probably trade you in for
a wide-hipped virgin from Patiala.
How could you? Yes, how could you?
Don't worry - there are lots
of old Indian traditional methods
you can use to ensure it's a boy.
For example,
eat only raw meat and radishes.
Never smile at a peacock...except
on Tuesdays if you're wearing a hat.
It won't make any difference.
The baby's sex is already decided.
I'm seven months gone.
Oh, God!
I thought it was mostly fat!
Sunil, hot towels and mustard oil!
Sunil, boil some water!
This may be our last chance
to have a boy! Hurry!
I'm not sure... Don't worry!
A nice boy to make your life easier.
I suppose it might be nice
to carry on the proud male tradition
in your family - another Sunil.
Yes, another Sunil!
Ta-ra! Ta-ra!
Sod it! Get up on one leg,
face east and hop! Why?
This way we will have a girl!
Come on - hop!
Speed kills.
And cars like this one paint a vivid
picture of that inescapable truth.
Every day, in Britain, hundreds of
cars will end up just like this one -
terrible coffins of twisted metal.
Yes?
Did you order a cab?
Yes, I did.
This is it!
This is not it?!
Hello? Car 44. Got him.
I am not getting in this! Get in!
Right. 44...?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi.
Many of you spiritually flaccid
Westerners just can't get it up
for God.
I like to think of myself
as a sort of Viagra for the soul.
Medication for meditation
and you don't need a prescription.
the truth lies as ever in the wisdom
of the ancient Sanskrit texts
thousands of years old...
I will translate.
Ek pal, dhomal ay sheeta...
Er...
Ringo dholak ka Beatle...
This means - all you need is love...
Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta... All you need
is love, love is all you need...
You are surrounded by commercial
pressures, by sales slogans that
don't help you work, rest or play,
and by advertising,
some of it subliminal - Mars Bar...
But how to thwart the avaricious
advances of the commercial buggers?
Well...
..the most important thing
is to communicate with oneself.
If one remembers the story of
Mur-Doch, the Hindu god of...Sky...
He was surrounded by demons...
He actually talked to his own soul,
saying...
Hang Seng, Nas Dek, Nikkei Dow...
er...
Geri, Ginger, a silly cow...
Which means...the future...
is bright...
The future...
is Orange.
..I'll call you back.
..So, in order to help you on your
tantric journey, I've developed
my own range of products.
You see, it is very important
for your soul to be clean,
for your spirit to be pure,
for your chakras to be whiter than
white with a meadowy freshness -
use Omo, it's biological!
Heavenly! Also...
Ashram toothpaste -
it's transcen-dental!
And finally -
Reincarnation Pour L'Homme.
Mmm! I'll be back!
All these products
are available on my website.
www.gurumaharishi.yogi.om
Time for meditation -
everybody go om!
Om... Om...
Om...
Ariston...
Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Daddy! Daddy!
I need to do a poo!
Darling, we don't say poo
in this house, do we?
I thought we'd brought you up better
than that. But I need! Honestly!
Remember what we taught you?
Just as the Eskimos have hundreds
of words for snow,
we have thousands for shit.
You have to use the right word -
it's part of your heritage.
But my poo's poking out right now!
Darling, concentrate -
is it a fus-fus? ..Loose motions.
Transparent goo in squidgy squirts.
Is it laindi? The one that's like
minestrone soup and leaves a stain.
Or peppee? Classic. Falls like
boulders, fearful back splash.
Is it wo-wo, that comes in
the night, bringing mayhem and rain?
My tummy's hurting.
Oh, poor baby! ..Oh!
High-pressure poo - the one
that comes out without warning.
Could be...or pira-pira.
Pebble-dashing poo!
..Have you decided which one it is?
Doesn't matter...
I don't believe it! Oh...
Hey! That looks just like
your Uncle Davinder!
He's done a foofer. Aw!
Hello and welcome to Asian Top Gear.
We all know about Italian flair
and Japanese reliability,
but what about the Asian motorist?
I'm here at the home
of Mr and Mrs Panesar to find out
about their car of choice. ..Hello.
Hello. Sat sri akal!
Sagittarius.
Now tell us about your wheels.
Gita? Your car.
Yes, of course...
Reliability is important...
and economy as well... Aho!
The most important thing
with a big family like ours is space.
That's why you chose an MPV
or people carrier.
Let's take a look.
Hup!
What a magnificent beast she is.
Why is this car perfect
for the Asian family?
Mota.
Well, first of all,
there is the spacious boot,
which can hold all of this
especially when we go
to the cash-and-carry.
You get all that in there? You're
pulling my leg! ..This I must see!
Kuch ni.
This car comes
with extras as standard.
Air conditioning, power steering...
No - decorative tissue box.
And on-board navigation system.
What about safety?
Does it have air bags?
No. In the case of an accident,
the glove compartment drops open.
And we all start praying.
HE DOES SO IN PUNJABI
Aquarius!
What a charming, pious touch.
The most important thing for us
is that we have a lot of space
for the family. Of course, of course.
What is the seating capacity? 12.
Wonderful!
And you all travel in total comfort?
Aho!
'Hey, kids! What's the cool new game
everyone's talking about
'that tests your skill and nerve?'
Go!
'That's right! It's Battling Masis!
'See them spin! Watch them wobble!
Round and round and round she goes,
who she lands on, nobody knows!
'It's fun! It's fast!'
It's all in the wrist!
'Take your auntie out for a spin!'
What a brave entry there
from the Greeks.
Next up, it's Dennis, St John,
Charlotte and Vanessa.
They're representing Great Britain
in the Eurovision - it's the Coopers!
# We love Blighty
# High and mighty
# Bought Sony... Oh, twadi!
# Place for me
# Friendly neighbours
# Posters, papers
# Saying, "Pakis out!"
# And we quite agree!
# Because we're British
Oh, so British
# Striped right through
like Blackpool rock
# British, oh, so British
# Don't our police
do a jolly good job?
# British, oh, so British
# Called our children James and Joan
# British, oh, so British
# We stuck our parents
in an old folks' home
# The smell of curry makes me sick
# Me sick, me sick, me sick
# I'd rather have some spotted dick
# Some dick, some dick, some dick
# My best friend is a pearly queen
# A queen, a queen, a queen
# And I breed whippets in my latrine
# Because we're British
Oh, so British
# Look at us, we're so well-dressed
# British, oh, so British
# Look - we're sexually repressed
# British, oh, so British
# Sing it loud with all your might
# British, oh, so British
# Leave off, mate
Cos we're all white
# I choose Britannia when I fly...
I fly
# I fly, I fly
# Puppies and the Queen Mum
make me cry
# Me cry, me cry, me cry
# I'm upper-class
cos I'm rich and fair
# And fair and fair and fair
# And I wear ladies' underwear
# We're British, oh, so British
# Folk put crosses on our lawn
# British, oh, so British
# Set fire to them to keep us warm
# British, oh, so British
# Big Ben and Millennium Dome
# British, oh, so British
# And foreigners
can piss off ho-o-ome! #
Subtitles by Martin Maguire
BBC Scotland 2000
I know what you've been up to.
Just powdering my nose.
Oh... What's the matter? I bet that
geezer £20 you was having a shit.
Check, please.
Goodness gracious me!
Why are we meeting here?
Cos this is the Internet Cafe!
From here, we can go wherever
we want. Let's go to the library
and wait for the rasmalai
to finish their homework! No, man!
I'm talking about logging on
to the worldwide web, surfing
on the information superhighway!
W-W-What are you chatting about?
I'm talking about travelling
without moving.
We're taking
one of Uncle Davinder's cabs?
No, you pindoo!
From this computer, right,
we can access the Internet -
the greatest technological
revolution since trainers with
lights. Computers are for nerds!
Some of those nerds
in their bedrooms
have made billions of pounds!
No-one will pay you billions
for what you do in your bedroom!
Kiss my chuddies!
I'm talking about something
completely new.
Being a service provider
for the male population.
What's new about that? It's
the oldest profession in the world.
Will you take your mind out
of your chuddies for one second?
Listen to my vision - I'm talking
about setting up our own website!
It'll cater for every desi geezer
on Earth!
Cool! What are we providing, man?
What do you want more than anything?
Rasmalai!
Bingo! I'm talking about
virtual rasmalai! Cyber honeys!
Phat massivosity, man! Yeah, man!
We'll have every bindi-wearing babe
on the planet on our web page!
Let's do it!
Right! We're surfing!
We're cyber punks! We're riding the
techno wave of a brave new world!
How do you put it on? I dunno!
Let's go down the library, man!
Innit! Cha!
If you're anything like me, then
your desk probably looks like this.
Today, I'm going to show you how
to make a brilliant desk tidy from a
few empty containers in the kitchen,
like this old tin of tomatoes...
This bottle had cooking oil in it.
And these are empty spice pots.
If you're from a white family,
your desk tidy will look like this.
And, if you're Asian,
it will look like this...
I'm so pleased
to have met a woman like you.
You're like one of my best friends.
Really? Yeah.
Dave.
Are you leaving?
..Check, please.
Hello and welcome to Asian Arts.
The last few years have seen
an explosion in the popularity
of Asian arts in Britain,
and this week sees the launch
of the latest sensation,
which will do for Indian culture
what Riverdance did for the Irish.
I'm talking about Punjabis On Ice.
And here with me is the show's
writer-director, Baldev Singh.
Gita!
Could you tell me how
you first came up with this idea?
Well, I've always wanted to bring
the Indian ancient classical arts
to a wider audience.
So I thought, why not a good,
old-fashioned ice extravaganza?
The boys took to it straightaway.
So they were all natural skaters?
No.
You do have to remember that ice
is not the natural medium
for your average Punjabi.
So we replaced the ice.
Replaced the ice? With what?
Lino!
Lino?
Lino!
Right... Well, let's see a clip.
MUSIC: Finale of Ravel's Bolero
That actually looked like two fat
drunk men sliding round the kitchen.
Correct! And let me tell you -
it takes a lot of skill
to make it look that easy.
Let's move on.
You have some other projects
in the pipeline.
What are synchronised Parsees?
It is a performance
inspired by the sublime beauty
of synchronised swimming. Right...
So it's underwater? No.
You see, the Parsees involved
are desert dwellers.
They are not used to water.
So we replaced the water.
With what?
Lino!
Right, let's take a look,
shall we...?
Beautiful, isn't it? I'm sorry!
That's just two dumpy girls
sliding about your kitchen!
You want to know how
they hold their breath for so long!
Shut up! Is there anything else?
Skydiving Muslims. With lino(?)
No. Are you sure? Only a bit.
No!
Thank you, Baldev Singh.
Next week, Talvin Singh's soundtrack
to the Kathak dance version of
Hanif Kureishi's Buddha Of Suburbia.
They should do it on lino!
We should have taken my son's car.
It never breaks down.
I'll just call my son at his office.
He'll come and pick us up.
No. I'll call my son's personal
assistant at the company he owns.
He'll be here quicker.
Well, actually, my son has a
satellite linkup which he bought me.
He'll be here quicker.
Rubbish! We'll see about that.
Redial!
'Meanwhile, as Balwant Singh Jagee
works on a leaky radiator,
'unbeknownst to him, the inhabitants
of Bhangratown are being terrorised
by an evil new menace.
'Hearing their cries, Balwant
instantly leaps into action.'
Help!
Help!
Chakte pathe-e-e-e!
Bhangraman!
SPEAKS PUNJABI
I don't know what happened.
They came out of nowhere. ..That way.
Follow the ribbons. ..Right-oh.
'Using his uncanny bhangra abilities
and his amazing Dekko-Vision,
'Bhangraman recognised the work
of his archenemy.'
SPEAKS PUNJABI
Morris Dancer wallah!
Hey, nonny-no, lads!
I told you it would work.
Today - just shy of £300
from the village post office.
Tomorrow - the world!
Bhangraman!
Blimey!
Morris Dancer wallah!
SIMULTANEOUS
MORRIS-DANCING AND BHANGRA MUSIC
Brrrrrrrrrrrr! Chakte...
pathe-e-e-e-e-e-e!
Hurray!
Why, thanks, Bhangraman!
You've foiled the evil Morris Dancer
and saved us from a future
of performing ridiculous, outmoded
folk-dance routines. That's right.
How can we ever repay you?
Let's bhangra, baby!
Emergency services - which service?
I'd like the Sikh fire brigade,
please. Sorry?
The Sikh fire brigade.
You know - beards, turbans, hoses...
Or don't you know what a Sikh is,
you crypto-imperialist bootgirl?
We don't have a Sikh fire brigade,
but perhaps the regular fire service
can help? I get it! This isn't about
the regular fire service!
This is about the colour of my skin.
No, we just don't have any Sikh
firemen. Ha! Fell into my trap!
Why don't you have any?
Well, our firemen must wear helmets
for their own protection.
This is a black thing, innit? What?
If turbans were good enough
for my forefathers, why aren't
they good enough for firemen?
Because they're flammable!
Well, if you think
I'm going to help you discriminate
against my Sikh brothers,
you are sorely mistaken,
Sat Sri Akal!
Hello...?
The Punjabi ambulance service,
please.
S-S-So...
So what?
So your son hates you so much that
he's leaving you to die of exposure!
No.
My son knows how much I hate you,
so he's letting you die of exposure
to make me happy.
Well, my son is making me very happy
by ensuring that you die a very
horrible and slow and painful death,
your breath freezing in your lungs
until they are nothing
but two useless blocks of ice!
My son will take great pleasure
in knowing that bits of you
will freeze solid
and turn gangrenous and drop off
like leaves from a...
overweight, badly dressed tree...
I feel like we've got to know
each other, really connected.
Yeah, me too.
It's almost like we can read
each other's minds, innit? Yeah.
Check, please.
So...how big is his dunda?
I just can't wait to see my precious
grandchild. So chosen any names yet?
There's a few we fancy, aren't there,
Sunil? Huh?
We both like Ashwin. Ashwin -
a real pharmacist's name, eh?
Huh?
He likes it. Or there's Rohan.
Dr Rohan! ..What do you think?
I prefer... He's thrilled.
Or Rajeev. Rajeev - a prince's name,
a dentist prince with a Mercedes!
We thought, if it's a girl, we'd
call it either Lalita or Bharati...
Ah...
A girl?
Come on! Why think so negatively?
Huh? Well, why imagine the worst?
Lalita - the lavatory cleaner!
Bharati the buffalo...
Ask Sunil - he agrees with me.
Uh...
Boys are forceful and strong.
I think... Shut up!
They are independent and capable.
Can I say...? No!
..My Sunil's not like that.
He'd prefer a girl. I don't mind...
You see, what he's trying to say
is if you had a girl,
he'd probably trade you in for
a wide-hipped virgin from Patiala.
How could you? Yes, how could you?
Don't worry - there are lots
of old Indian traditional methods
you can use to ensure it's a boy.
For example,
eat only raw meat and radishes.
Never smile at a peacock...except
on Tuesdays if you're wearing a hat.
It won't make any difference.
The baby's sex is already decided.
I'm seven months gone.
Oh, God!
I thought it was mostly fat!
Sunil, hot towels and mustard oil!
Sunil, boil some water!
This may be our last chance
to have a boy! Hurry!
I'm not sure... Don't worry!
A nice boy to make your life easier.
I suppose it might be nice
to carry on the proud male tradition
in your family - another Sunil.
Yes, another Sunil!
Ta-ra! Ta-ra!
Sod it! Get up on one leg,
face east and hop! Why?
This way we will have a girl!
Come on - hop!
Speed kills.
And cars like this one paint a vivid
picture of that inescapable truth.
Every day, in Britain, hundreds of
cars will end up just like this one -
terrible coffins of twisted metal.
Yes?
Did you order a cab?
Yes, I did.
This is it!
This is not it?!
Hello? Car 44. Got him.
I am not getting in this! Get in!
Right. 44...?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi.
Many of you spiritually flaccid
Westerners just can't get it up
for God.
I like to think of myself
as a sort of Viagra for the soul.
Medication for meditation
and you don't need a prescription.
the truth lies as ever in the wisdom
of the ancient Sanskrit texts
thousands of years old...
I will translate.
Ek pal, dhomal ay sheeta...
Er...
Ringo dholak ka Beatle...
This means - all you need is love...
Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta... All you need
is love, love is all you need...
You are surrounded by commercial
pressures, by sales slogans that
don't help you work, rest or play,
and by advertising,
some of it subliminal - Mars Bar...
But how to thwart the avaricious
advances of the commercial buggers?
Well...
..the most important thing
is to communicate with oneself.
If one remembers the story of
Mur-Doch, the Hindu god of...Sky...
He was surrounded by demons...
He actually talked to his own soul,
saying...
Hang Seng, Nas Dek, Nikkei Dow...
er...
Geri, Ginger, a silly cow...
Which means...the future...
is bright...
The future...
is Orange.
..I'll call you back.
..So, in order to help you on your
tantric journey, I've developed
my own range of products.
You see, it is very important
for your soul to be clean,
for your spirit to be pure,
for your chakras to be whiter than
white with a meadowy freshness -
use Omo, it's biological!
Heavenly! Also...
Ashram toothpaste -
it's transcen-dental!
And finally -
Reincarnation Pour L'Homme.
Mmm! I'll be back!
All these products
are available on my website.
www.gurumaharishi.yogi.om
Time for meditation -
everybody go om!
Om... Om...
Om...
Ariston...
Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Daddy! Daddy!
I need to do a poo!
Darling, we don't say poo
in this house, do we?
I thought we'd brought you up better
than that. But I need! Honestly!
Remember what we taught you?
Just as the Eskimos have hundreds
of words for snow,
we have thousands for shit.
You have to use the right word -
it's part of your heritage.
But my poo's poking out right now!
Darling, concentrate -
is it a fus-fus? ..Loose motions.
Transparent goo in squidgy squirts.
Is it laindi? The one that's like
minestrone soup and leaves a stain.
Or peppee? Classic. Falls like
boulders, fearful back splash.
Is it wo-wo, that comes in
the night, bringing mayhem and rain?
My tummy's hurting.
Oh, poor baby! ..Oh!
High-pressure poo - the one
that comes out without warning.
Could be...or pira-pira.
Pebble-dashing poo!
..Have you decided which one it is?
Doesn't matter...
I don't believe it! Oh...
Hey! That looks just like
your Uncle Davinder!
He's done a foofer. Aw!
Hello and welcome to Asian Top Gear.
We all know about Italian flair
and Japanese reliability,
but what about the Asian motorist?
I'm here at the home
of Mr and Mrs Panesar to find out
about their car of choice. ..Hello.
Hello. Sat sri akal!
Sagittarius.
Now tell us about your wheels.
Gita? Your car.
Yes, of course...
Reliability is important...
and economy as well... Aho!
The most important thing
with a big family like ours is space.
That's why you chose an MPV
or people carrier.
Let's take a look.
Hup!
What a magnificent beast she is.
Why is this car perfect
for the Asian family?
Mota.
Well, first of all,
there is the spacious boot,
which can hold all of this
especially when we go
to the cash-and-carry.
You get all that in there? You're
pulling my leg! ..This I must see!
Kuch ni.
This car comes
with extras as standard.
Air conditioning, power steering...
No - decorative tissue box.
And on-board navigation system.
What about safety?
Does it have air bags?
No. In the case of an accident,
the glove compartment drops open.
And we all start praying.
HE DOES SO IN PUNJABI
Aquarius!
What a charming, pious touch.
The most important thing for us
is that we have a lot of space
for the family. Of course, of course.
What is the seating capacity? 12.
Wonderful!
And you all travel in total comfort?
Aho!
'Hey, kids! What's the cool new game
everyone's talking about
'that tests your skill and nerve?'
Go!
'That's right! It's Battling Masis!
'See them spin! Watch them wobble!
Round and round and round she goes,
who she lands on, nobody knows!
'It's fun! It's fast!'
It's all in the wrist!
'Take your auntie out for a spin!'
What a brave entry there
from the Greeks.
Next up, it's Dennis, St John,
Charlotte and Vanessa.
They're representing Great Britain
in the Eurovision - it's the Coopers!
# We love Blighty
# High and mighty
# Bought Sony... Oh, twadi!
# Place for me
# Friendly neighbours
# Posters, papers
# Saying, "Pakis out!"
# And we quite agree!
# Because we're British
Oh, so British
# Striped right through
like Blackpool rock
# British, oh, so British
# Don't our police
do a jolly good job?
# British, oh, so British
# Called our children James and Joan
# British, oh, so British
# We stuck our parents
in an old folks' home
# The smell of curry makes me sick
# Me sick, me sick, me sick
# I'd rather have some spotted dick
# Some dick, some dick, some dick
# My best friend is a pearly queen
# A queen, a queen, a queen
# And I breed whippets in my latrine
# Because we're British
Oh, so British
# Look at us, we're so well-dressed
# British, oh, so British
# Look - we're sexually repressed
# British, oh, so British
# Sing it loud with all your might
# British, oh, so British
# Leave off, mate
Cos we're all white
# I choose Britannia when I fly...
I fly
# I fly, I fly
# Puppies and the Queen Mum
make me cry
# Me cry, me cry, me cry
# I'm upper-class
cos I'm rich and fair
# And fair and fair and fair
# And I wear ladies' underwear
# We're British, oh, so British
# Folk put crosses on our lawn
# British, oh, so British
# Set fire to them to keep us warm
# British, oh, so British
# Big Ben and Millennium Dome
# British, oh, so British
# And foreigners
can piss off ho-o-ome! #
Subtitles by Martin Maguire
BBC Scotland 2000
I know what you've been up to.
Just powdering my nose.
Oh... What's the matter? I bet that
geezer £20 you was having a shit.
Check, please.
Goodness gracious me!