Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
*
HIGH VOICE:
Cha, man!
W-w-why are we meeting in the pub?
This is it, man!
..We're finally 15! Woh!
You're tall enough to order
your first underage drink! Wicked!
..So go on, then!
Um, I'll have a lemonade, man!
Kiss my chuddies, man! You're
supposed to drink alcohol! Why?
Everybody knows hard-drinking men
are attractive to the...
BOTH: Rasmulai!
You don't see James Bond going in no
bar and ordering no Sunny Delight!
Beenies go mental for big boozers!
What about that geezer who lives
in the park? He drinks like a fish
and I don't see no beenies
hanging around him!
He's got wee in his trousers
and...! Hey!
He's still your dad!
But if you dress cris', and
order sophisticated drinks, right,
you will be
irresistible to the ladies!
What's sophisticated? Sophisticated
drinks are them that sound foreign.
Like Martini-i-i! Martini!
Campari-i-i! Campari!
Hooch! Hooch!
Let's get the Hooches in, man!
Time out, man!
First we gotta look older. How?
By wearing my dad's glasses! Yeah.
Do I look older? I don't know, man.
Everything's gone blurred. I think
your daddy's been... Yeah, yeah!
This'll be good practice for later
on when we're drunk, innit? Yeah.
Hey! What about the beenies, man?
The pretty ones don't like
men with glasses.
That don't matter, man!
We'll have our alcopop goggles on!
Woh! And they make even the ugliest
beenies look sweet like chocolate!
Let's get alcopopped up! Yeah, man!
Two Hooches - shaken not stirred!
Hey, check it, man!
It's working already!
Hello, foxy lady!
Buy you a drink, innit?
You're all right. Thanks, boys!
..Two Hooches.
BOTH: Arghh!
Innit!
Hello, beti.
Hello, Mama.
No, no, no. Ko ey vatene.
Where's my little prince?
Say hello to nannima! Don't want to!
I'm your grandmother.
You should show me respect, no?
You're supposed to touch her feet.
It's our tradition. ..Get!
Oh, such a good boy!
Wow! What's that?
That's my engagement ring
from Harry Harisha. Cost a fortune!
He had to sell his car
to get it! Great!
Wow, that's nice! Yah.
My engagement ring from
Bunty Patel. Sold his own mother
for the down payments! Lovely!
That's nice! That's my engagement
ring from...Pinky Ponky! Oh, wow!
And that's my engagement ring
from Ravi Row!
Oh, but...I've got
an engagement ring from Ravi Row.
Goddamnbullshittohellya! One of us
is going to have to give it back.
Why? Oh.
Welcome to India's top programme.
Coming up on Rajinder And Gudi...
..How to cope with
those embarrassing haldi mishaps.
..The story of a maharaja
turned minicab driver.
Interesting. Yes.
Our phone-in today...
I'll look forward to that!
Indian ladies tell
of erotic fulfilment at 11.30.
And at 11.31,
our resident psycho-quack...
I would, wouldn't you?
Really? No, not really.
Moving on - right onto fashion.
The Prime Minister's wife
grabbed the headlines
when Tony and Cherie visited Delhi
and she greeted them
in traditional ENGLISH dress.
Let's see that lovely outfit...
We are very lucky to be joined
by one of India's top designers,
Kalvinder Klein.
Hi, Rajinder! ..Hi, Gudi! ..Hi!
You have a new collection out
which uses BRITAIN for inspiration!
That's right! What the Prime
Minister's wife was wearing there
is ideal evening formal wear. Yes.
But I've gone
for a classic street look.
Let's have a look!
Wow!
What's the significance of the sign?
It's a punk youth rock thing -
the '60s, injecting the weed...
And why Stop Children?
You know - "Stop, children.
What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going down."
Right. Let's have a look
at your next piece.
Wow! Oh right, yah!
Now that...this really is fantastic.
Now this is classic club wear.
You'd see people dressed like this
running into the rave gatherings
in the early hours of the morning.
..And what about the helmet?
Well...that's what they wear.
It's a dancing helmet.
(Dance! Dance!) Oh!
..Chut, chut, chut.
Oh, dancing helmet. This is all
very well for the catwalk, right,
but is anyone
actually going to wear this?
Well, they do in England.
For my next outfit,
I've created a fusion
of different British looks. Right.
Let's have a look.
Oh, that's very interesting. Yah.
It's what a hep chick would wear
down to the foggy King's Road
in fashionable...Walford Town.
And the bottom is a ballet outfit?
Yes, it is.
I told you, it's a fusion.
It's big fish, little fish,
cardboard box! (Chut! Chut!) But
the highlight of my collection...
Ah! Yah!
Well, that's quite... Walheim!
I really like that!
It's another fusion thing.
The top half is a judge's outfit
and the bottom, a...
Judge's outfit!
Everyone on the floor, now!
You! Press the alarm button
and I'll blow your head off!
Put the cash in the bag now!
Beta? ..Is that REALLY you?
..Ooh, cha!
Uncle, I was desperate!
I needed the money!
If you want to turn to petty crime,
come to me. I can get you cheaper.
No, Uncle! What...?
I do it for you! No, Uncle!
Don't insult me! Uncle!
Just give me the gun! No!
Don't insult me! OK!
Any of you pricks move, I'm going
to execute every last one of you!
ALARM
Armed police! Drop that weapon!
Drop it!
..Oh, chut!
Oh, my God, Bina!
Brace yourself, girlfriend!
They are gonna try it on
to the max!
As if! Just ignore 'em, innit?
BOTH: Poofs!
They're gaggin' for us -
in their dreams! As if!
Thank you for attending this AGM.
I'm JK the Hamster. Like Carlos the
Jackal, only with chubbier cheeks.
We aim to put
the fun back into fundamentalism,
the kid back into kidnapping,
the laugh back into...slaughter!
Yeah, all right, all right.
I've seen last year's report
and I'm very disappointed.
Atrocities in the name of God
are down 30%,
but expenses are up 85%.
What we need is inspiration,
ideas, a vision.
Maqbool the Squirrel.
My idea is kidnap! Ah!
We kidnap the son of the wealthiest
industrialist in the whole of Europe
and then we demand
a ransom of 1 million.
And if they don't comply? We cut off
his hair and post it back to them.
The ear! Not the hair! They'll get
a bald boy and I'll get extortionate
bill from Vidal Sassoon.
..Sorry. Nah, sorry. Who else?
Yah, Buddhist Militant Order?
Our crack suicide squad will occupy
every major government building
until our demands are met.
Which are?
Release of all political prisoners
and a global ban on fly paper!
And if they don't pay up?
We'll set ourselves on fire!
So the police wait and then raid the
hideout with a dustpan and brush.
BOTH: Oh, right!
See? You are not committed enough.
Absenteeism! The Sikhs take days
off for Guru Nanak's birthday,
Guru Gobind Singh's birthday...
Fair enough. But Guru Guru Barney
Maguru, Cuthbert Dibble Grub's
birthday is going too far!
Hindus, how many gods do you have?
Krishna, Lakshmi, I have heard of,
but Bunty? Apache?
..Which gods are these?
The Muslims have put down Eid twice
and somebody has put down
Christmas Eid and taken a day off!
Ramadan, yes. Ramalamadingdong, no!
And you Jews. Yom Kippur, yes. Yam
Halibut? Are you taking the piss?
If standards do not improve
you will end up like
all the other failed terrorists...
as traffic wardens!
Thank you!
BLUES GUITAR
Yoo-hoo!
# Oh, Lord, won't you buy me
another Mercedes Benz
# Our neighbours have got seven
and a Jaguar for weekends
# How will we hold our heads up
in front of all our friends?
BOTH: # Oh, Lord, won't you buy me
another Mercedes Benz? #
Surjeeta!
..St John, actually!
ALL: # Happy birthday, dear Papaji
# Happy birthday to you! #
Come on, Papaji!
ALL: Yeah!
Lovely to have you here and thanks
for my present. ALL: That's OK!
PHONE RINGS
Hello? ..Hello, Uncle Prem.
How are you?
He's here, waiting for your call.
It's Uncle Prem from India.
From India?
Hello, Prem! Argh! ..Hello! ..Hi!
Hello, Prem?
..A trunk call.
Technology means that you don't have
to shout! ..Prem? Is this better?
Hello! Who is shouting? Hello?
Oh, I think we got cut off.
Honestly, Papaji!
Where are my birthday cards? Why
don't you read them later? Nonsense!
Or I can read them out for you.
No, no. I don't mind.
I have my eyes!
So many cards. The first one
is from Nitin in Montreal! Oh, God!
That's a long way! "Thinking
of you on your special day!
"Wishing you prosperity!" Oh,
I can't read this word... "Peace!"
I shall always remember this!
Hi! Sorry we're late!
ALL: Hi!
Happy birthday!
Oh, for me? Yeah.
Your company would have been enough!
Who is this charming lady?
Maria.
Happy birthday! Kris has told me so
much about you. Your accent is er...
Maria's from Australia.
ALL: Oh, no!
Which part of Australia
do you come from?!
Hello?! Melbourne?!
I like Australia!
..Balwant Singh Jagee
was just an ordinary plumber
living in the Hounslow area
of West London,
until one fateful day when he went
to a car boot sale in Cranworth.
It was there that he picked up
a pair of battered old satin trou...
It was THERE that he picked up
a pair of battered old satin trousers
which once belonged
to Channi from Alaap.
Unbeknown to Balwant, those trousers
still contained special powers.
From that day on whenever he put on
those trousers Balwant became...
Bhangraman!
Oi...
chakte-e-e...fate-e-e-eh!
Help! Help!
Ay komehay Bhangraman!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
A freak earthquake has rocked New
York City and a man is in danger.
My boy is trapped under the rubble!
He's trapped under there!
Oh, God! I'm sorry, ma'am.
We don't have any cranes left to help
him. But he's gonna die in there!
No-one can lift that girder! Oh!
Oi chaktee fate-e-e-eh!
..Bhangraman!
Not even YOU can help him now!
Ik paseh hoja mera yar fireman yaro!
RHYTHMIC MUSIC
What's he doing?
He's jerking his shoulders in
the rhythm of the Indian folk dance!
This is no time to dance!
Look! His shoulders have reached
superhuman frequency!
Hey!
I guess I underestimated
the power of Bhangra!
Oh, Bhangraman!
How can we ever repay you?
..Tu ik kham kur ke menoo
vadhi jai. BOTH: What?
Nacho-o-o!
Ah bhalle, ah bhalle... C'mon,
honey! Oh, right, yeah. This is fun!
Don't tell the guys
at the station about this!
When I'm with you, I think
of that actress, Cameron Diaz.
Really? Why's that?
It's the only way
I can get turned on, innit?
..Hmmm. Check, please.
Some people say I look like my dad.
That'll be
the moustache then, innit?
# Ah-oh!
# Ah-oh!
# Ah-oh!
# I said, hey, buddy, in your dreams!
Hands off my belly button ring!
# You wanna pull a babe like me
# Just cos we're brown don't expect
the Kamasutra on request! As if!
# Got no time to listen to your gob
Being stunning is a full-time job!
# All the men in town
Hey, hey, hey!
# Follow us around
He-e-e-ey!
# And we have to say
Hai! Hai! Hai!
# No way, Jose, now go away and play!
# Say you've got leprosy
Say it's time for your tea
# Say you've just got to pee
Say as if!
# Say your dad's got a gun
# Say you've become a nun
Or just say that you're gay
..In your dreams!
# Hey, girls! Keep cool! Don't get
jealous cos we're beautiful! Ah-oh!
# You don't know what it's like to
be me - ugly bunnies have got it easy
# We know what girl power's about
A short skirt and a big mouth
# Designer clothes, a baby for show
Get your wedding pictures to Hello
# But it's a real shame
Hey, hey, hey!
# Some guys just run away
He-e-ey!
# Ain't it obvious?
Hai, hai, hai!
# They just can't cope
cos we're too damn gorgeous
# Says he's washing his hair
Got no clean underwear
# When we call, he's not there
Say, as if!
# Says his heart is too weak
Says his wife needs to sleep
# Says, "Bog off!", bleeding cheek!
# In your dreams!
# In your dreams! #
I'm not like
all the other men. Really?
Yes. ..I don't think
you're that ugly!
Check, please.
Miaow, pussycats. Yah, it's me -
Smeeta Smitten, showbiz kitten
in yet another pilot show.
This time I'm in the one place where
they don't mind a booze problem -
children's television!
Ah, kids! I love 'em,
don't I, er...kid?
How about giving your Auntie Smeeta
a big kissy? No!
They say the darndest things,
don't they?!
How about you and me sing
a lovely little song about rabbits?
You smell of tinkle! ..Miaow!
We've all heard
of Britain's 100 richest Asians
but I'm with Mr Mitti
to talk about a different list -
Britain's 100 most vulgar Asians.
Mr Mitti, you have joined the list
at number three.
Can you tell me
some of the qualities that
you've shown to reach this pinnacle?
..I, I don't know.
I'm just a businessman.
I don't know what...
..I don't know what attracted
these people to me, you know?
Do you consider yourself to be a
role model for young British Asians?
Well, you know? Anything I can do
to inspire these people...
That's great, you know?
Thank you very much
for talking to me.
That's no problem.
PHRRRT!
All right, listen up, lads!
Now, I know Glenn Hoddle got a lot
of stick for using faith healers -
forcing you to talk to some mad old
lady who didn't know about football.
I think he was on the right track -
he just used the wrong person.
So I've got someone to look after
the spiritual side of things
but who also knows about the game.
He's a genuine football pundit.
Let's give a big team welcome
to the Guru Maharishi Yogi!
Hello, boys.
I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi.
..How you doing?
Mr Keegan asked me to speak to you
because, as highly paid footballers,
you are exposed to many temptations
such as...hard drugs, loose women.
I want you to know that I am here
to share these troubles with you!
Now I would like to kick off
with a passage from the ancient
Sanskrit texts. I will translate...
"Owen na Beckham na Gigsy
"..triptaka na Monkey na Pigsy."
This passage tells of a great battle
fought by the gods...
Very much like a cup tie.
On the one hand, the forces
of good - white shirts, blue shorts.
On the other side, the forces
of darkness, referred to
in the ancient texts as Germany.
During this battle,
Krishna was under duress but
he didn't let his head drop low.
No, he reached DOWN
to his inner strength
and grabbed his foe's shirt,
bringing him down outside the box.
All right. Can you help us
with dealing with defeat?
Yah. You see, within a war
there are many battles.
Sometimes you are defeated,
sometimes victorious but
remember the words of the poet...
PING!
"Maracana, Bernabau, San Siro..."
Er...
"Wembley, Geoff Hurst, kia hero."
..Translated this means, "I get
knocked down but I get up again, you
ain't never going to keep me down.
"You drink a whisky drink,
you drink a..."
All right! All right, lads!
Some of my lads are on a short fuse.
How should they deal with
a bad decision?
Well, if we view the Mahabarat
as a football match,
then the text asks us
one very pertinent question.
PING!
"Va va, oo-ah, Cantona!
"Kung fu hiram au revoir."
And translated
this asks the question,
"Who's the tosser in the black?
Who's the tosser in the black?"
# Who's the tosser in the black?
Referee, you're a wan... #
Guruji! That ain't good enough!
Meditation, meditation.
Everybody go, om! ALL: Om!
Football's coming om!
Subtitles by Caroline Tosh
BBC Scotland - 2000
For years, I've suffered from
these feelings of inadequacy, and
it's only after my third therapist
I began to come to terms with my
lack of confidence and, you know...
You telling me that reminds me
of that song... Um, how does it go?
..Shaddap You Face!
Check, PLEASE!
Goodness gracious me!
HIGH VOICE:
Cha, man!
W-w-why are we meeting in the pub?
This is it, man!
..We're finally 15! Woh!
You're tall enough to order
your first underage drink! Wicked!
..So go on, then!
Um, I'll have a lemonade, man!
Kiss my chuddies, man! You're
supposed to drink alcohol! Why?
Everybody knows hard-drinking men
are attractive to the...
BOTH: Rasmulai!
You don't see James Bond going in no
bar and ordering no Sunny Delight!
Beenies go mental for big boozers!
What about that geezer who lives
in the park? He drinks like a fish
and I don't see no beenies
hanging around him!
He's got wee in his trousers
and...! Hey!
He's still your dad!
But if you dress cris', and
order sophisticated drinks, right,
you will be
irresistible to the ladies!
What's sophisticated? Sophisticated
drinks are them that sound foreign.
Like Martini-i-i! Martini!
Campari-i-i! Campari!
Hooch! Hooch!
Let's get the Hooches in, man!
Time out, man!
First we gotta look older. How?
By wearing my dad's glasses! Yeah.
Do I look older? I don't know, man.
Everything's gone blurred. I think
your daddy's been... Yeah, yeah!
This'll be good practice for later
on when we're drunk, innit? Yeah.
Hey! What about the beenies, man?
The pretty ones don't like
men with glasses.
That don't matter, man!
We'll have our alcopop goggles on!
Woh! And they make even the ugliest
beenies look sweet like chocolate!
Let's get alcopopped up! Yeah, man!
Two Hooches - shaken not stirred!
Hey, check it, man!
It's working already!
Hello, foxy lady!
Buy you a drink, innit?
You're all right. Thanks, boys!
..Two Hooches.
BOTH: Arghh!
Innit!
Hello, beti.
Hello, Mama.
No, no, no. Ko ey vatene.
Where's my little prince?
Say hello to nannima! Don't want to!
I'm your grandmother.
You should show me respect, no?
You're supposed to touch her feet.
It's our tradition. ..Get!
Oh, such a good boy!
Wow! What's that?
That's my engagement ring
from Harry Harisha. Cost a fortune!
He had to sell his car
to get it! Great!
Wow, that's nice! Yah.
My engagement ring from
Bunty Patel. Sold his own mother
for the down payments! Lovely!
That's nice! That's my engagement
ring from...Pinky Ponky! Oh, wow!
And that's my engagement ring
from Ravi Row!
Oh, but...I've got
an engagement ring from Ravi Row.
Goddamnbullshittohellya! One of us
is going to have to give it back.
Why? Oh.
Welcome to India's top programme.
Coming up on Rajinder And Gudi...
..How to cope with
those embarrassing haldi mishaps.
..The story of a maharaja
turned minicab driver.
Interesting. Yes.
Our phone-in today...
I'll look forward to that!
Indian ladies tell
of erotic fulfilment at 11.30.
And at 11.31,
our resident psycho-quack...
I would, wouldn't you?
Really? No, not really.
Moving on - right onto fashion.
The Prime Minister's wife
grabbed the headlines
when Tony and Cherie visited Delhi
and she greeted them
in traditional ENGLISH dress.
Let's see that lovely outfit...
We are very lucky to be joined
by one of India's top designers,
Kalvinder Klein.
Hi, Rajinder! ..Hi, Gudi! ..Hi!
You have a new collection out
which uses BRITAIN for inspiration!
That's right! What the Prime
Minister's wife was wearing there
is ideal evening formal wear. Yes.
But I've gone
for a classic street look.
Let's have a look!
Wow!
What's the significance of the sign?
It's a punk youth rock thing -
the '60s, injecting the weed...
And why Stop Children?
You know - "Stop, children.
What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going down."
Right. Let's have a look
at your next piece.
Wow! Oh right, yah!
Now that...this really is fantastic.
Now this is classic club wear.
You'd see people dressed like this
running into the rave gatherings
in the early hours of the morning.
..And what about the helmet?
Well...that's what they wear.
It's a dancing helmet.
(Dance! Dance!) Oh!
..Chut, chut, chut.
Oh, dancing helmet. This is all
very well for the catwalk, right,
but is anyone
actually going to wear this?
Well, they do in England.
For my next outfit,
I've created a fusion
of different British looks. Right.
Let's have a look.
Oh, that's very interesting. Yah.
It's what a hep chick would wear
down to the foggy King's Road
in fashionable...Walford Town.
And the bottom is a ballet outfit?
Yes, it is.
I told you, it's a fusion.
It's big fish, little fish,
cardboard box! (Chut! Chut!) But
the highlight of my collection...
Ah! Yah!
Well, that's quite... Walheim!
I really like that!
It's another fusion thing.
The top half is a judge's outfit
and the bottom, a...
Judge's outfit!
Everyone on the floor, now!
You! Press the alarm button
and I'll blow your head off!
Put the cash in the bag now!
Beta? ..Is that REALLY you?
..Ooh, cha!
Uncle, I was desperate!
I needed the money!
If you want to turn to petty crime,
come to me. I can get you cheaper.
No, Uncle! What...?
I do it for you! No, Uncle!
Don't insult me! Uncle!
Just give me the gun! No!
Don't insult me! OK!
Any of you pricks move, I'm going
to execute every last one of you!
ALARM
Armed police! Drop that weapon!
Drop it!
..Oh, chut!
Oh, my God, Bina!
Brace yourself, girlfriend!
They are gonna try it on
to the max!
As if! Just ignore 'em, innit?
BOTH: Poofs!
They're gaggin' for us -
in their dreams! As if!
Thank you for attending this AGM.
I'm JK the Hamster. Like Carlos the
Jackal, only with chubbier cheeks.
We aim to put
the fun back into fundamentalism,
the kid back into kidnapping,
the laugh back into...slaughter!
Yeah, all right, all right.
I've seen last year's report
and I'm very disappointed.
Atrocities in the name of God
are down 30%,
but expenses are up 85%.
What we need is inspiration,
ideas, a vision.
Maqbool the Squirrel.
My idea is kidnap! Ah!
We kidnap the son of the wealthiest
industrialist in the whole of Europe
and then we demand
a ransom of 1 million.
And if they don't comply? We cut off
his hair and post it back to them.
The ear! Not the hair! They'll get
a bald boy and I'll get extortionate
bill from Vidal Sassoon.
..Sorry. Nah, sorry. Who else?
Yah, Buddhist Militant Order?
Our crack suicide squad will occupy
every major government building
until our demands are met.
Which are?
Release of all political prisoners
and a global ban on fly paper!
And if they don't pay up?
We'll set ourselves on fire!
So the police wait and then raid the
hideout with a dustpan and brush.
BOTH: Oh, right!
See? You are not committed enough.
Absenteeism! The Sikhs take days
off for Guru Nanak's birthday,
Guru Gobind Singh's birthday...
Fair enough. But Guru Guru Barney
Maguru, Cuthbert Dibble Grub's
birthday is going too far!
Hindus, how many gods do you have?
Krishna, Lakshmi, I have heard of,
but Bunty? Apache?
..Which gods are these?
The Muslims have put down Eid twice
and somebody has put down
Christmas Eid and taken a day off!
Ramadan, yes. Ramalamadingdong, no!
And you Jews. Yom Kippur, yes. Yam
Halibut? Are you taking the piss?
If standards do not improve
you will end up like
all the other failed terrorists...
as traffic wardens!
Thank you!
BLUES GUITAR
Yoo-hoo!
# Oh, Lord, won't you buy me
another Mercedes Benz
# Our neighbours have got seven
and a Jaguar for weekends
# How will we hold our heads up
in front of all our friends?
BOTH: # Oh, Lord, won't you buy me
another Mercedes Benz? #
Surjeeta!
..St John, actually!
ALL: # Happy birthday, dear Papaji
# Happy birthday to you! #
Come on, Papaji!
ALL: Yeah!
Lovely to have you here and thanks
for my present. ALL: That's OK!
PHONE RINGS
Hello? ..Hello, Uncle Prem.
How are you?
He's here, waiting for your call.
It's Uncle Prem from India.
From India?
Hello, Prem! Argh! ..Hello! ..Hi!
Hello, Prem?
..A trunk call.
Technology means that you don't have
to shout! ..Prem? Is this better?
Hello! Who is shouting? Hello?
Oh, I think we got cut off.
Honestly, Papaji!
Where are my birthday cards? Why
don't you read them later? Nonsense!
Or I can read them out for you.
No, no. I don't mind.
I have my eyes!
So many cards. The first one
is from Nitin in Montreal! Oh, God!
That's a long way! "Thinking
of you on your special day!
"Wishing you prosperity!" Oh,
I can't read this word... "Peace!"
I shall always remember this!
Hi! Sorry we're late!
ALL: Hi!
Happy birthday!
Oh, for me? Yeah.
Your company would have been enough!
Who is this charming lady?
Maria.
Happy birthday! Kris has told me so
much about you. Your accent is er...
Maria's from Australia.
ALL: Oh, no!
Which part of Australia
do you come from?!
Hello?! Melbourne?!
I like Australia!
..Balwant Singh Jagee
was just an ordinary plumber
living in the Hounslow area
of West London,
until one fateful day when he went
to a car boot sale in Cranworth.
It was there that he picked up
a pair of battered old satin trou...
It was THERE that he picked up
a pair of battered old satin trousers
which once belonged
to Channi from Alaap.
Unbeknown to Balwant, those trousers
still contained special powers.
From that day on whenever he put on
those trousers Balwant became...
Bhangraman!
Oi...
chakte-e-e...fate-e-e-eh!
Help! Help!
Ay komehay Bhangraman!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
A freak earthquake has rocked New
York City and a man is in danger.
My boy is trapped under the rubble!
He's trapped under there!
Oh, God! I'm sorry, ma'am.
We don't have any cranes left to help
him. But he's gonna die in there!
No-one can lift that girder! Oh!
Oi chaktee fate-e-e-eh!
..Bhangraman!
Not even YOU can help him now!
Ik paseh hoja mera yar fireman yaro!
RHYTHMIC MUSIC
What's he doing?
He's jerking his shoulders in
the rhythm of the Indian folk dance!
This is no time to dance!
Look! His shoulders have reached
superhuman frequency!
Hey!
I guess I underestimated
the power of Bhangra!
Oh, Bhangraman!
How can we ever repay you?
..Tu ik kham kur ke menoo
vadhi jai. BOTH: What?
Nacho-o-o!
Ah bhalle, ah bhalle... C'mon,
honey! Oh, right, yeah. This is fun!
Don't tell the guys
at the station about this!
When I'm with you, I think
of that actress, Cameron Diaz.
Really? Why's that?
It's the only way
I can get turned on, innit?
..Hmmm. Check, please.
Some people say I look like my dad.
That'll be
the moustache then, innit?
# Ah-oh!
# Ah-oh!
# Ah-oh!
# I said, hey, buddy, in your dreams!
Hands off my belly button ring!
# You wanna pull a babe like me
# Just cos we're brown don't expect
the Kamasutra on request! As if!
# Got no time to listen to your gob
Being stunning is a full-time job!
# All the men in town
Hey, hey, hey!
# Follow us around
He-e-e-ey!
# And we have to say
Hai! Hai! Hai!
# No way, Jose, now go away and play!
# Say you've got leprosy
Say it's time for your tea
# Say you've just got to pee
Say as if!
# Say your dad's got a gun
# Say you've become a nun
Or just say that you're gay
..In your dreams!
# Hey, girls! Keep cool! Don't get
jealous cos we're beautiful! Ah-oh!
# You don't know what it's like to
be me - ugly bunnies have got it easy
# We know what girl power's about
A short skirt and a big mouth
# Designer clothes, a baby for show
Get your wedding pictures to Hello
# But it's a real shame
Hey, hey, hey!
# Some guys just run away
He-e-ey!
# Ain't it obvious?
Hai, hai, hai!
# They just can't cope
cos we're too damn gorgeous
# Says he's washing his hair
Got no clean underwear
# When we call, he's not there
Say, as if!
# Says his heart is too weak
Says his wife needs to sleep
# Says, "Bog off!", bleeding cheek!
# In your dreams!
# In your dreams! #
I'm not like
all the other men. Really?
Yes. ..I don't think
you're that ugly!
Check, please.
Miaow, pussycats. Yah, it's me -
Smeeta Smitten, showbiz kitten
in yet another pilot show.
This time I'm in the one place where
they don't mind a booze problem -
children's television!
Ah, kids! I love 'em,
don't I, er...kid?
How about giving your Auntie Smeeta
a big kissy? No!
They say the darndest things,
don't they?!
How about you and me sing
a lovely little song about rabbits?
You smell of tinkle! ..Miaow!
We've all heard
of Britain's 100 richest Asians
but I'm with Mr Mitti
to talk about a different list -
Britain's 100 most vulgar Asians.
Mr Mitti, you have joined the list
at number three.
Can you tell me
some of the qualities that
you've shown to reach this pinnacle?
..I, I don't know.
I'm just a businessman.
I don't know what...
..I don't know what attracted
these people to me, you know?
Do you consider yourself to be a
role model for young British Asians?
Well, you know? Anything I can do
to inspire these people...
That's great, you know?
Thank you very much
for talking to me.
That's no problem.
PHRRRT!
All right, listen up, lads!
Now, I know Glenn Hoddle got a lot
of stick for using faith healers -
forcing you to talk to some mad old
lady who didn't know about football.
I think he was on the right track -
he just used the wrong person.
So I've got someone to look after
the spiritual side of things
but who also knows about the game.
He's a genuine football pundit.
Let's give a big team welcome
to the Guru Maharishi Yogi!
Hello, boys.
I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi.
..How you doing?
Mr Keegan asked me to speak to you
because, as highly paid footballers,
you are exposed to many temptations
such as...hard drugs, loose women.
I want you to know that I am here
to share these troubles with you!
Now I would like to kick off
with a passage from the ancient
Sanskrit texts. I will translate...
"Owen na Beckham na Gigsy
"..triptaka na Monkey na Pigsy."
This passage tells of a great battle
fought by the gods...
Very much like a cup tie.
On the one hand, the forces
of good - white shirts, blue shorts.
On the other side, the forces
of darkness, referred to
in the ancient texts as Germany.
During this battle,
Krishna was under duress but
he didn't let his head drop low.
No, he reached DOWN
to his inner strength
and grabbed his foe's shirt,
bringing him down outside the box.
All right. Can you help us
with dealing with defeat?
Yah. You see, within a war
there are many battles.
Sometimes you are defeated,
sometimes victorious but
remember the words of the poet...
PING!
"Maracana, Bernabau, San Siro..."
Er...
"Wembley, Geoff Hurst, kia hero."
..Translated this means, "I get
knocked down but I get up again, you
ain't never going to keep me down.
"You drink a whisky drink,
you drink a..."
All right! All right, lads!
Some of my lads are on a short fuse.
How should they deal with
a bad decision?
Well, if we view the Mahabarat
as a football match,
then the text asks us
one very pertinent question.
PING!
"Va va, oo-ah, Cantona!
"Kung fu hiram au revoir."
And translated
this asks the question,
"Who's the tosser in the black?
Who's the tosser in the black?"
# Who's the tosser in the black?
Referee, you're a wan... #
Guruji! That ain't good enough!
Meditation, meditation.
Everybody go, om! ALL: Om!
Football's coming om!
Subtitles by Caroline Tosh
BBC Scotland - 2000
For years, I've suffered from
these feelings of inadequacy, and
it's only after my third therapist
I began to come to terms with my
lack of confidence and, you know...
You telling me that reminds me
of that song... Um, how does it go?
..Shaddap You Face!
Check, PLEASE!
Goodness gracious me!