Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
*
Goodness gracious me!
Just four of you travelling?
Yes.
Pop your baggage
on the conveyor belt, please.
I think you'll have to pay some
excess baggage. There's loads of it!
No!
Oh, I didn't know YOU were invited.
Hmm, I, er...I wasn't.
Do you think I'd want to be invited
to such a low-class party as THIS?
I merely gate-crashed
to spit in the samosas.
They weren't expecting me either.
I climbed in through the window
and said I was a mate of Kevin's.
I've been sick in a bedroom. Me too.
And I got off with someone
under the coats.
Still, very brave of you
to show your face. Why?
Oh, I just hear that your son
is living with his "GIRL-friend."
I'm surprised that's being
discussed at the DOG-track.
Hmm! So! Living with a woman
and not married.
Funny, I don't remember anything
in the Gita about that one. Very
New Labour, very anti-fox-hunting.
Hmm. Your information is incorrect
as per usual.
My son is actually living
with SEVERAL girlfriends.
My son is a STUD.
Is that so? Uh-huh.
And...he's dripping with honeys.
Well, of course, honeys! My son
has his fair share of skirt, too.
So he talks the talk,
but does he walk the walk?
I don't think so. I bet he doesn't
have a Shag Palace like MY son!
He doesn't need one
because he always does the beast
with two backs round at their place,
so he can leave before they wake up.
Ooh, wake up?!
My son doesn't let them go to sleep.
He pounds away at them
through the night,
one hand raking down their back,
the other speed-dialling a cab.
Ha! Only ONE cab?
My son requires a FLEET of cabs
to transport the sweaty mass
of sticky bodies
that cling to his water bed like
survivors from an erotic shipwreck.
La-di-da-di. Have you heard
of Sky's new TV series -
My Son's Bedroom, Uncovered?
My son is known
as the Prince of Poo Nani...
and his little black book
was used by BT to compile
their last phone directory.
Well, my son has officially slept
with every single girl in Britain!
Really? How big is his dunda?
You tell me!
AS MELVYN BRAGG:
This house near Calcutta, India,
is home to one of the greatest
film-makers of the 20th century.
Ratyajit Say's work has been
recognised by film academics
for its incisive but complex
portrayal of a society in decline.
But we began our conversation
on a contentious note.
Ratyajit, your films are powerful
and cerebral tours de force.
Yes...they are.
How do you counter critics
who claim that your films
are inaccessible and obscure?
I say, "NO! They're NOT!"
Right.
Well, perhaps your most famous film
is The Draughts Game.
You once said this film documented
the decline in post-partition India.
How?
You have to remember that
the game of draughts is symbolic
and the decline in Indian society
happens in the backdrop.
It occurs in the background.
So it's in the subtext? No!
In the background, you pagal!
The two people in the background.
And they represent the decline
in post-partition India? Duh!
Clever.
How do you respond to critics who
say your use of symbolism is obscure?
Like this..
Uhh-huuh, hnnn, uhhh, uhnnn...
THRRRPP!
BOTH: Hello! Us again.
Yes. How many items this time?
Oh, just the two suitcases.
They're underweight.
And what about all THAT stuff?
Hand luggage.
I think it's important
to get to know a girl's family
when you're starting a relationship.
Oh, that's so SWEET! Yeah.
That's why I'm sleeping
with your sister, innit?
Check, please.
Mum, Dad, I'm going out with
my friends, all right? OK, beta.
What did you say? I'm going to
hang out with my friends. Friends?
Why?
I can make them at home for nothing.
Come on, let's go stand
in the corner and be sulky. Uhh. Mum!
Let's practise gobbing!
Oh, Mum, it's not the same!
No? Look, I've got some alcopops!
Let's drink it till we're sick,
then steal things
from your dad's shop! Oh!
I know, let's talk like young
African Americans. Yo-homey! Booyaka!
Mum, this is really embarrassing!
Look, what I'VE found -
your porn mag! Oh...
Come on, look at the bazookas
on that, huh?!
Mum, will you just leave him alone,
all right?
Ooh! So YOU'RE all dressed up, going
out with your friends, too? Well,
I can make THEM at home as well!
"Oi! My mate fancies you!"
No, Mum, I'm not going out
with my friends.
I'm leaving home. I've found a flat
and I'm moving in with my boyfriend.
Are you sure, beti? Yes, Dad.
I really need to do this. But why?
Well, I need my freedom... No, no.
Why live with your boyfriend when
I can make him at home for nothing?!
I'll watch the football on TV while
you make my dinner. And then I'll
piss on the toilet and fart in bed.
Mum! Geoffrey's not like that!
Come on, let's get you up the duff,
and then I can use the milk tokens
to buy lager and crisps.
What more Geoffrey do you want?
Dad,
can you do something about her?!
Yes. Come on, kids, we're ALL going.
What?
I have a mistress in a love nest
in Norwich. We'll stay with her.
Mistress? You have a mistress?
Mistress - I can make at home!
Come here, big boy!
Oh, you don't get many of THEM
to the pound! I love you long time!
OK, kids, get your coats!
We're leaving!
OK, fine.
Go! See if I care.
I don't need anybody,
I don't need any family.
All I need are...
three small aubergines!
Come on! I'm having a banging
of a day! Ha ha ha!
In Game Of Draughts, one of
your rare comedies, you examine
the decline in post-partition India.
Yes, but in a humorous way.
You see,
I took the pathos of Chaplin,
the slapstick of Bergman,
the social satire
of the Chuckle Brothers...
So, you see, in the foreground,
you have your symbolic
game of draughts, while
the comedy occurs in the background.
Bloody funny.
Bloody funny.
Pig in a wig at four o'clock.
Hey, isn't that Serena Mathura?
Yah, the cellulite looks familiar.
Hmm.
Oh, my God, has she grown a beard?
No, goddammit-bullshit-to-hell-ya,
it's not a beard!
That's a face-lift
that went a little too far. Ugh!
Pubic chin factor or what, dear!
'Will passengers
for flight 297 to Zurich
'please go to boarding gate 7.'
YOO-HOO!
SURJITA!
VEENA!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
It's St John and Vanessa,
you f-frequent flyer!
What are you doing here?
We've sent our youngest orf
to finishing school in Switzerland.
Quite right. What is he finishing?
SHE is finishing potty training.
She's almost three.
We English don't like to keep our
children tied to our apron strings.
Quite right. That's why we sent
our son to Roedean when he was two.
Roedean?
Isn't that a girls' school?
Well, he got in.
So what are you up to? I'm waiting
for my mamaji and papaji.
..Oh, twadi!
He means his mater and pater.
Of course. Maker...paper.
Yes, we're a close family. Denis's
parents visit three times a year.
What a queer lot you are!
Who are you calling queer?!
No, no, it's just that we English
are never very close
to our families, are we?
What could be more English than
to hate your in-laws? I knew THAT.
I think that Charlotte's mother
is a fat cow!
And Denis's father is a right twat!
Well, I'd never dream of visiting
Vanessa's mother. She's a pig
and lives in that smelly, horrible
little place. Actually, darling,
she's bought a new house.
No, I meant India.
Oh, of course. Disgusting place.
So, your parents are coming to stay
with you...in your house. Hmm, the
extended family - how very ETHNIC.
Not at all.
There's nothing ethnic about it.
They will be paying full rent - not
including breakfast. Check out by 11.
And no petting in the shallow end.
And they're tickety-boo with that,
are they? Oh, yes. Denis's parents
are as English as WE are!
I say! There they are! YOO-HOO!
Yes, THERE they are! Come on, Denis!
Oh, Mater! Pater!
You must be Surjita!
BOTH: NO!
Yes? Just wanted you to see your
weapons of hate before I burn them!
What? I should have known it, man.
Pharmacist!
Take the f, a and m out
and you're left with "racist"!
There is no f in pharmacist!
..I know! And there shouldn't
be any effing pharmacists
when you sell imperialist skin
products! Is it the suntan lotion?
No! You burnt all
my skin-coloured sticky plasters.
The WHITE man's skin, Judas Patel,
the WHITE man's skin!
No! This is another struggle -
these ointments of ethnic cleansing,
these anti-Asian creams!
Malkit,
these are anti-AGEING creams!
"AGEING!"
Oh...right.
Do you want
your haemorrhoid ointment? Yes.
FASCIST!
- Hello!
- How many?
- One.
Really?
Yeah.
We came from a very traditional
community, so we've had lots of
pressures throughout our marriage.
What sort of pressures? >
Well, the hardest thing for me -
well, for us -
is the tradition of no sex for
the first six months of marriage.
Is that REALLY a tradition? >
Yes.
HOORAY!
Hi! Remember us? The Delhi students.
Only now, we're not students
any more - we've graduated!
Yes! I'm an accountant, waiting to
start work in my father's business!
I'm a lawyer, waiting to start work
in my father's business!
I'm an engineer, waiting to start
work in MY father's business!
I failed all my papers.
I'm going into politics! HOORAY!
But before we all join
the "rat race",
we want to put something back
into society. Yes. To help those
less fortunate than ourselves.
So we joined the voluntary service
of India! HOORAY!
The problem facing any VSI worker is
deciding where to do the most good.
Yes, a lot of countries need help,
like South America, where there
are shanty towns and street urchins.
And Africa, with its droughts
and inadequate health care.
And Eastern Europe,
with its crumbling infrastructure
and stodgy food.
But there is one country with
ALL these problems... So we've all
come to help out here in ENGLAND!
HOORAY!
We have come here to a ramshackle
clinic in the poverty-stricken
village of Wolverhampton.
The governments have neglected
their health care and now, for the
poorest, health care is rudimentary.
If it wasn't for places like
India and Pakistan, there would be
no doctors here at all!
Although for most of the year
it rains continuously,
during the hot summer month,
there are droughts
and water is in short supply.
So when we saw these poor guys
digging a well,
we decided to roll up our sleeves
and muck in.
It's thirsty work, I can tell you.
..Are we nearly there yet?
Yeah, mate.
Keep digging.
You know, Britain used to be famous
for its green and pleasant lands,
but sadly now, most of it has been
bought up by big foreign companies.
Yes,
they build their factories here,
so they can exploit
the cheap labour costs. Terrible!
So another way that Britain can
help itself is to cash in on the
eco-tourism boom sweeping the globe.
That's right.
Gordon here is a warden here....
We're at one of the new game
reserves - Epping Forest! WOW!
And he's agreed to show us around.
Many of England's
endangered species find a haven
in this protected woodland here.
Gordon here is going to show us
some of the rarest,
but we have to be very quiet.
We must not startle them.
What are we looking for, Gordon?
Well, its Latin name
is Califora vomitora.
Wow! And what's that?
BUZZING
It's a type of fly.
Er...what colour is it?
It's blue.
Nope! Haven't seen one yet!
Come any closer and we'll hurt you.
So, how's it going
with Danny Desai?
I hear he's got the most enormous...
trust fund.
I don't think so, darling.
You don't mean...? Yah. Tiniest
credit limit I have ever seen.
The other day
he took me out to dinner
and his card got refused! Wow!
Well, that happens to some men
when they're tired. Yes.
I got really confused and embarrassed
and...I did something really stupid.
You didn't?! Yes.
I paid for my OWN dinner.
Slut!
After The Game Of Draughts
came a commercial departure for you.
Having previously shunned the use of
song and dance, you decided, in 1958,
that it could be a powerful tool.
I realised
that there is a long tradition
of storytelling through dance.
In India,
one thinks of Bharatanatyam, Khatak.
In Europe, you have your classical
ballets like Swan Lake, Giselle,
and in America, of course,
Saturday Night Fever.
With John Travolta?
Precisely.
But what you have to remember...
That the two people are symbolic
and in the background, post-partition
society declines. But to a nice tune.
MELANCHOLY PIPE MUSIC
JOLLY BIG BAND MUSIC
MELANCHOLY PIPE MUSIC
Adult illiteracy
is a major problem here.
Some people cannot even speak
English.
We're at a local education centre
to see how we can help. ..Hello!
Can you tell me what you did today?
Owt, really. Just supped a pint
with us mates down the boozer, like.
Child labour is a major problem here,
as in many developing countries.
Kids like little Eric here has
to work very long hours in terrible
conditions for very low pay.
What would you really like to do,
Eric?
I'd like to be a teacher...
if I could.
Aw! Maybe one day
he'll realise his dreams.
I hope so.
Do you want fries with that?
Yes, and two milkshakes, please.
And hurry up!
CHEERING
But it's not all doom and gloom,
you know.
Even in these appalling conditions,
the spirit still shines through.
These children are proof of that!
HOORAY!!
Where's my wallet?
Where's my watch?
And my camera?!
BASTARDS!
I believe that people should get
to know each other's little foibles
before they make a long-term
commitment. Yeah, I agree.
So tell me - spit or swallow?
Check, please.
Listen, Dad,
I've got something to tell you...
and you're not gonna like it.
What is it? Well, Dad, I've been
thinking about this a lot and, um...
I've decided to become a Christian.
Good.
Good?! I thought you'd be upset.
Beta, why would I be upset
at Christianity when it's Indian?
No, it's not, Dad. Listen, um...
I've accepted Jesus as my Saviour.
Well, of course, he was
a nice Indian boy. Not Jesus!
Beta, he's as Indian as they come.
He worked for his father - Indian,
parents had children
without having sex - Indian,
fed 5,000 people with two loaves
and five fishes - Indian picnic. No!
Ah, beta, not just him - all people
from the Bible - Indian. Rubbish!
Not rubbish. Think about it, yah?
Moses. People came to him with their
suffering. He went up the mountain
and came back with two tablets
because he was a pharmacist. Dad!
Noah came from a land where it
rained for 40 days. He was Bengali!
Walls of Jericho - blow a trumpet,
the whole thing falls down -
Indian builders. No!
Samson - big strong man, long hair.
Cut his hair, lies weak
as a child - because he was a Sikh!
The Bible's NOT Indian! The gospels,
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Mahmud, Malke, Laxmi and Juggy.
Apostles - Indian!
What about Judas? He betrayed Jesus
for 30 pieces of silver.
Well, business is business.
No, Dad... I'm telling you, people
from Bible, Indian. All except one.
Which one? God. Not Indian.
Why? In six days,
he created heaven and earth,
and on the seventh day he rested.
What kind of Indian doesn't work
Sundays?! I'm off to church!
Sing with me -
# And was Jerusalem builded here
# On Jallundur's
brown, unpleasant land... #
MUSIC: "Club Tropicana"
# Let me take you to a place
Where membership's a peaceful face
# Rubbing chakras with the stars
# Where strange men take you by the
hand and promise you a wonderland
# If you'll just remove your bras
# Club Nirvana drink some tea
# Pick a mantra
there's enough for everyone
# Try some hypnotherapy
# But don't worry
I won't feel your...
# Travellers and film stars meet
# At my highly overpriced retreat
# Trying to change
their Western ways
# Cleanse souls, make them hum,
Stick a hosepipe up their bum
# Make sure everybody pays
# Club Nirvana, nothing's free
# Mumbo jumbo
There's enough for everyone!
# Try aromatherapy
# I'll rub oil
into your firm young...
# Club Nirvana, join today
# It's good karma
# And it's tax-deductible
# There are so many ways to pay
# Free for ladies
if they touch my...
# Pack your bags and leave your key
# We've been shut down
They've charged us with indecency
# No money back, no guarantee
# We got your cash
And all you got was dysentery
# Ommm, ommm...
# Ommm, ommm...
# Ommm, ommm...
# Ommm, ommm... #
You know the situation. You're
getting ready for a job interview
and you really want the job,
but you're nervous.
So you have to go to the toilet.
But the toilet paper chafes
and doesn't really get you clean.
That's why I always carry...this.
Here comes the science.
'Thanks to their ability to direct
water right into the affected areas,
'milk bottles have been proved to be
twice as effective as toilet tissue.'
So next time you're in the toilet,
stick THIS behind the cistern.
Milk bottle...
because my arse is worth it.
Subtitles by Gillian Frazer
BBC Scotland 2000
Goodness gracious me!
Goodness gracious me!
Just four of you travelling?
Yes.
Pop your baggage
on the conveyor belt, please.
I think you'll have to pay some
excess baggage. There's loads of it!
No!
Oh, I didn't know YOU were invited.
Hmm, I, er...I wasn't.
Do you think I'd want to be invited
to such a low-class party as THIS?
I merely gate-crashed
to spit in the samosas.
They weren't expecting me either.
I climbed in through the window
and said I was a mate of Kevin's.
I've been sick in a bedroom. Me too.
And I got off with someone
under the coats.
Still, very brave of you
to show your face. Why?
Oh, I just hear that your son
is living with his "GIRL-friend."
I'm surprised that's being
discussed at the DOG-track.
Hmm! So! Living with a woman
and not married.
Funny, I don't remember anything
in the Gita about that one. Very
New Labour, very anti-fox-hunting.
Hmm. Your information is incorrect
as per usual.
My son is actually living
with SEVERAL girlfriends.
My son is a STUD.
Is that so? Uh-huh.
And...he's dripping with honeys.
Well, of course, honeys! My son
has his fair share of skirt, too.
So he talks the talk,
but does he walk the walk?
I don't think so. I bet he doesn't
have a Shag Palace like MY son!
He doesn't need one
because he always does the beast
with two backs round at their place,
so he can leave before they wake up.
Ooh, wake up?!
My son doesn't let them go to sleep.
He pounds away at them
through the night,
one hand raking down their back,
the other speed-dialling a cab.
Ha! Only ONE cab?
My son requires a FLEET of cabs
to transport the sweaty mass
of sticky bodies
that cling to his water bed like
survivors from an erotic shipwreck.
La-di-da-di. Have you heard
of Sky's new TV series -
My Son's Bedroom, Uncovered?
My son is known
as the Prince of Poo Nani...
and his little black book
was used by BT to compile
their last phone directory.
Well, my son has officially slept
with every single girl in Britain!
Really? How big is his dunda?
You tell me!
AS MELVYN BRAGG:
This house near Calcutta, India,
is home to one of the greatest
film-makers of the 20th century.
Ratyajit Say's work has been
recognised by film academics
for its incisive but complex
portrayal of a society in decline.
But we began our conversation
on a contentious note.
Ratyajit, your films are powerful
and cerebral tours de force.
Yes...they are.
How do you counter critics
who claim that your films
are inaccessible and obscure?
I say, "NO! They're NOT!"
Right.
Well, perhaps your most famous film
is The Draughts Game.
You once said this film documented
the decline in post-partition India.
How?
You have to remember that
the game of draughts is symbolic
and the decline in Indian society
happens in the backdrop.
It occurs in the background.
So it's in the subtext? No!
In the background, you pagal!
The two people in the background.
And they represent the decline
in post-partition India? Duh!
Clever.
How do you respond to critics who
say your use of symbolism is obscure?
Like this..
Uhh-huuh, hnnn, uhhh, uhnnn...
THRRRPP!
BOTH: Hello! Us again.
Yes. How many items this time?
Oh, just the two suitcases.
They're underweight.
And what about all THAT stuff?
Hand luggage.
I think it's important
to get to know a girl's family
when you're starting a relationship.
Oh, that's so SWEET! Yeah.
That's why I'm sleeping
with your sister, innit?
Check, please.
Mum, Dad, I'm going out with
my friends, all right? OK, beta.
What did you say? I'm going to
hang out with my friends. Friends?
Why?
I can make them at home for nothing.
Come on, let's go stand
in the corner and be sulky. Uhh. Mum!
Let's practise gobbing!
Oh, Mum, it's not the same!
No? Look, I've got some alcopops!
Let's drink it till we're sick,
then steal things
from your dad's shop! Oh!
I know, let's talk like young
African Americans. Yo-homey! Booyaka!
Mum, this is really embarrassing!
Look, what I'VE found -
your porn mag! Oh...
Come on, look at the bazookas
on that, huh?!
Mum, will you just leave him alone,
all right?
Ooh! So YOU'RE all dressed up, going
out with your friends, too? Well,
I can make THEM at home as well!
"Oi! My mate fancies you!"
No, Mum, I'm not going out
with my friends.
I'm leaving home. I've found a flat
and I'm moving in with my boyfriend.
Are you sure, beti? Yes, Dad.
I really need to do this. But why?
Well, I need my freedom... No, no.
Why live with your boyfriend when
I can make him at home for nothing?!
I'll watch the football on TV while
you make my dinner. And then I'll
piss on the toilet and fart in bed.
Mum! Geoffrey's not like that!
Come on, let's get you up the duff,
and then I can use the milk tokens
to buy lager and crisps.
What more Geoffrey do you want?
Dad,
can you do something about her?!
Yes. Come on, kids, we're ALL going.
What?
I have a mistress in a love nest
in Norwich. We'll stay with her.
Mistress? You have a mistress?
Mistress - I can make at home!
Come here, big boy!
Oh, you don't get many of THEM
to the pound! I love you long time!
OK, kids, get your coats!
We're leaving!
OK, fine.
Go! See if I care.
I don't need anybody,
I don't need any family.
All I need are...
three small aubergines!
Come on! I'm having a banging
of a day! Ha ha ha!
In Game Of Draughts, one of
your rare comedies, you examine
the decline in post-partition India.
Yes, but in a humorous way.
You see,
I took the pathos of Chaplin,
the slapstick of Bergman,
the social satire
of the Chuckle Brothers...
So, you see, in the foreground,
you have your symbolic
game of draughts, while
the comedy occurs in the background.
Bloody funny.
Bloody funny.
Pig in a wig at four o'clock.
Hey, isn't that Serena Mathura?
Yah, the cellulite looks familiar.
Hmm.
Oh, my God, has she grown a beard?
No, goddammit-bullshit-to-hell-ya,
it's not a beard!
That's a face-lift
that went a little too far. Ugh!
Pubic chin factor or what, dear!
'Will passengers
for flight 297 to Zurich
'please go to boarding gate 7.'
YOO-HOO!
SURJITA!
VEENA!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
It's St John and Vanessa,
you f-frequent flyer!
What are you doing here?
We've sent our youngest orf
to finishing school in Switzerland.
Quite right. What is he finishing?
SHE is finishing potty training.
She's almost three.
We English don't like to keep our
children tied to our apron strings.
Quite right. That's why we sent
our son to Roedean when he was two.
Roedean?
Isn't that a girls' school?
Well, he got in.
So what are you up to? I'm waiting
for my mamaji and papaji.
..Oh, twadi!
He means his mater and pater.
Of course. Maker...paper.
Yes, we're a close family. Denis's
parents visit three times a year.
What a queer lot you are!
Who are you calling queer?!
No, no, it's just that we English
are never very close
to our families, are we?
What could be more English than
to hate your in-laws? I knew THAT.
I think that Charlotte's mother
is a fat cow!
And Denis's father is a right twat!
Well, I'd never dream of visiting
Vanessa's mother. She's a pig
and lives in that smelly, horrible
little place. Actually, darling,
she's bought a new house.
No, I meant India.
Oh, of course. Disgusting place.
So, your parents are coming to stay
with you...in your house. Hmm, the
extended family - how very ETHNIC.
Not at all.
There's nothing ethnic about it.
They will be paying full rent - not
including breakfast. Check out by 11.
And no petting in the shallow end.
And they're tickety-boo with that,
are they? Oh, yes. Denis's parents
are as English as WE are!
I say! There they are! YOO-HOO!
Yes, THERE they are! Come on, Denis!
Oh, Mater! Pater!
You must be Surjita!
BOTH: NO!
Yes? Just wanted you to see your
weapons of hate before I burn them!
What? I should have known it, man.
Pharmacist!
Take the f, a and m out
and you're left with "racist"!
There is no f in pharmacist!
..I know! And there shouldn't
be any effing pharmacists
when you sell imperialist skin
products! Is it the suntan lotion?
No! You burnt all
my skin-coloured sticky plasters.
The WHITE man's skin, Judas Patel,
the WHITE man's skin!
No! This is another struggle -
these ointments of ethnic cleansing,
these anti-Asian creams!
Malkit,
these are anti-AGEING creams!
"AGEING!"
Oh...right.
Do you want
your haemorrhoid ointment? Yes.
FASCIST!
- Hello!
- How many?
- One.
Really?
Yeah.
We came from a very traditional
community, so we've had lots of
pressures throughout our marriage.
What sort of pressures? >
Well, the hardest thing for me -
well, for us -
is the tradition of no sex for
the first six months of marriage.
Is that REALLY a tradition? >
Yes.
HOORAY!
Hi! Remember us? The Delhi students.
Only now, we're not students
any more - we've graduated!
Yes! I'm an accountant, waiting to
start work in my father's business!
I'm a lawyer, waiting to start work
in my father's business!
I'm an engineer, waiting to start
work in MY father's business!
I failed all my papers.
I'm going into politics! HOORAY!
But before we all join
the "rat race",
we want to put something back
into society. Yes. To help those
less fortunate than ourselves.
So we joined the voluntary service
of India! HOORAY!
The problem facing any VSI worker is
deciding where to do the most good.
Yes, a lot of countries need help,
like South America, where there
are shanty towns and street urchins.
And Africa, with its droughts
and inadequate health care.
And Eastern Europe,
with its crumbling infrastructure
and stodgy food.
But there is one country with
ALL these problems... So we've all
come to help out here in ENGLAND!
HOORAY!
We have come here to a ramshackle
clinic in the poverty-stricken
village of Wolverhampton.
The governments have neglected
their health care and now, for the
poorest, health care is rudimentary.
If it wasn't for places like
India and Pakistan, there would be
no doctors here at all!
Although for most of the year
it rains continuously,
during the hot summer month,
there are droughts
and water is in short supply.
So when we saw these poor guys
digging a well,
we decided to roll up our sleeves
and muck in.
It's thirsty work, I can tell you.
..Are we nearly there yet?
Yeah, mate.
Keep digging.
You know, Britain used to be famous
for its green and pleasant lands,
but sadly now, most of it has been
bought up by big foreign companies.
Yes,
they build their factories here,
so they can exploit
the cheap labour costs. Terrible!
So another way that Britain can
help itself is to cash in on the
eco-tourism boom sweeping the globe.
That's right.
Gordon here is a warden here....
We're at one of the new game
reserves - Epping Forest! WOW!
And he's agreed to show us around.
Many of England's
endangered species find a haven
in this protected woodland here.
Gordon here is going to show us
some of the rarest,
but we have to be very quiet.
We must not startle them.
What are we looking for, Gordon?
Well, its Latin name
is Califora vomitora.
Wow! And what's that?
BUZZING
It's a type of fly.
Er...what colour is it?
It's blue.
Nope! Haven't seen one yet!
Come any closer and we'll hurt you.
So, how's it going
with Danny Desai?
I hear he's got the most enormous...
trust fund.
I don't think so, darling.
You don't mean...? Yah. Tiniest
credit limit I have ever seen.
The other day
he took me out to dinner
and his card got refused! Wow!
Well, that happens to some men
when they're tired. Yes.
I got really confused and embarrassed
and...I did something really stupid.
You didn't?! Yes.
I paid for my OWN dinner.
Slut!
After The Game Of Draughts
came a commercial departure for you.
Having previously shunned the use of
song and dance, you decided, in 1958,
that it could be a powerful tool.
I realised
that there is a long tradition
of storytelling through dance.
In India,
one thinks of Bharatanatyam, Khatak.
In Europe, you have your classical
ballets like Swan Lake, Giselle,
and in America, of course,
Saturday Night Fever.
With John Travolta?
Precisely.
But what you have to remember...
That the two people are symbolic
and in the background, post-partition
society declines. But to a nice tune.
MELANCHOLY PIPE MUSIC
JOLLY BIG BAND MUSIC
MELANCHOLY PIPE MUSIC
Adult illiteracy
is a major problem here.
Some people cannot even speak
English.
We're at a local education centre
to see how we can help. ..Hello!
Can you tell me what you did today?
Owt, really. Just supped a pint
with us mates down the boozer, like.
Child labour is a major problem here,
as in many developing countries.
Kids like little Eric here has
to work very long hours in terrible
conditions for very low pay.
What would you really like to do,
Eric?
I'd like to be a teacher...
if I could.
Aw! Maybe one day
he'll realise his dreams.
I hope so.
Do you want fries with that?
Yes, and two milkshakes, please.
And hurry up!
CHEERING
But it's not all doom and gloom,
you know.
Even in these appalling conditions,
the spirit still shines through.
These children are proof of that!
HOORAY!!
Where's my wallet?
Where's my watch?
And my camera?!
BASTARDS!
I believe that people should get
to know each other's little foibles
before they make a long-term
commitment. Yeah, I agree.
So tell me - spit or swallow?
Check, please.
Listen, Dad,
I've got something to tell you...
and you're not gonna like it.
What is it? Well, Dad, I've been
thinking about this a lot and, um...
I've decided to become a Christian.
Good.
Good?! I thought you'd be upset.
Beta, why would I be upset
at Christianity when it's Indian?
No, it's not, Dad. Listen, um...
I've accepted Jesus as my Saviour.
Well, of course, he was
a nice Indian boy. Not Jesus!
Beta, he's as Indian as they come.
He worked for his father - Indian,
parents had children
without having sex - Indian,
fed 5,000 people with two loaves
and five fishes - Indian picnic. No!
Ah, beta, not just him - all people
from the Bible - Indian. Rubbish!
Not rubbish. Think about it, yah?
Moses. People came to him with their
suffering. He went up the mountain
and came back with two tablets
because he was a pharmacist. Dad!
Noah came from a land where it
rained for 40 days. He was Bengali!
Walls of Jericho - blow a trumpet,
the whole thing falls down -
Indian builders. No!
Samson - big strong man, long hair.
Cut his hair, lies weak
as a child - because he was a Sikh!
The Bible's NOT Indian! The gospels,
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Mahmud, Malke, Laxmi and Juggy.
Apostles - Indian!
What about Judas? He betrayed Jesus
for 30 pieces of silver.
Well, business is business.
No, Dad... I'm telling you, people
from Bible, Indian. All except one.
Which one? God. Not Indian.
Why? In six days,
he created heaven and earth,
and on the seventh day he rested.
What kind of Indian doesn't work
Sundays?! I'm off to church!
Sing with me -
# And was Jerusalem builded here
# On Jallundur's
brown, unpleasant land... #
MUSIC: "Club Tropicana"
# Let me take you to a place
Where membership's a peaceful face
# Rubbing chakras with the stars
# Where strange men take you by the
hand and promise you a wonderland
# If you'll just remove your bras
# Club Nirvana drink some tea
# Pick a mantra
there's enough for everyone
# Try some hypnotherapy
# But don't worry
I won't feel your...
# Travellers and film stars meet
# At my highly overpriced retreat
# Trying to change
their Western ways
# Cleanse souls, make them hum,
Stick a hosepipe up their bum
# Make sure everybody pays
# Club Nirvana, nothing's free
# Mumbo jumbo
There's enough for everyone!
# Try aromatherapy
# I'll rub oil
into your firm young...
# Club Nirvana, join today
# It's good karma
# And it's tax-deductible
# There are so many ways to pay
# Free for ladies
if they touch my...
# Pack your bags and leave your key
# We've been shut down
They've charged us with indecency
# No money back, no guarantee
# We got your cash
And all you got was dysentery
# Ommm, ommm...
# Ommm, ommm...
# Ommm, ommm...
# Ommm, ommm... #
You know the situation. You're
getting ready for a job interview
and you really want the job,
but you're nervous.
So you have to go to the toilet.
But the toilet paper chafes
and doesn't really get you clean.
That's why I always carry...this.
Here comes the science.
'Thanks to their ability to direct
water right into the affected areas,
'milk bottles have been proved to be
twice as effective as toilet tissue.'
So next time you're in the toilet,
stick THIS behind the cistern.
Milk bottle...
because my arse is worth it.
Subtitles by Gillian Frazer
BBC Scotland 2000
Goodness gracious me!