Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript

Some people in the Asian community
think white women are promiscuous
and sleep with anyone. Ridiculous!

I know! ..But YOU do, don't you?

Check, please!

This is Asian Children's BBC TV.
We kick off with Live & Cooking!

PROGRAMME THEME MUSIC

Chup!

MUSIC STOPS

Hi, Asian kids, my name is Chippy
Sanderalingam. I'M Funny Kumar!

You kids wanna have fun?
ALL: Yeah! I bet you do.

There's plenty of time
after you've got a degree, got a
good job, married, had children!

THEN you can have fun! You're so
sensible. Cover yourself up!



OK, let's get on with the show!

ALL: Yeah!
Chup!

First, over to Computer Corner
to check out new software
with our cyberpunk Dumpy!

Wow! Mega graphics, Dumpy!
And what piece of virtual
hilarity are you playing?

I'm checking out
the hottest new software.

An updated version
of an old classic. Mega-fast with
state-of-the-art bit map imaging.

Wow, dumpy, you're phat!
What's it called?

Excel Spreadsheet. Radical! Have
you reviewed any GAMES for us?

No-o-o-o!

Good girl! Over to you, Chippy!
OK, kids, later on we've got
pop sensation Five coming up!

We'll ask them what respectable
jobs they're gonna do.

You can phone in... Look who's
coming! Who? Uncle Blobinder!

BLOBINDER CHATTERS MANIACALLY

CHANTING: Blobinder, Blobinder,
Blobinder!



No! No, don't do this!

It's not a respectable thing to do!
CHANTING: Blobinder!

CHUP!

STOPS CHATTERING
Take that thing off!

Him, not you!
YOU, take that head off! Ahh!

Let your mother see you! Is it any
job for a respectable Indian boy?

This is what happens
when you don't do your homework!

BLOBBY VOICE: I'm just trying
to earn a living. Knock off that
stupid voice! What stupid voice?

Nobody thinks that you're funny.
Anyone think he's funny?
ALL: Yeah! Blobinder!

CHANTING: Blobinder, Blobinder!

Go and do your homework!

MAN ON TV: 'At last!'
WOMAN: 'We'll never be parted.'

MAN: 'I've waited so long for this!'

FAMILY: Awwwww!

SOUNDS OF LOVE-MAKING
'Oh, yes! Oh, Alice! Ahhhhhh!'

LOVE-MAKING ON TV
..This daal is fantastic!

FAMILY: Yes! Brilliant! Very tasty!
ALL TALK AT ONCE

It's fantastic!
LOVE-MAKING STOPS

The entertainment world
was rocked by the revelation

that super-hunk and darling of
Indian cinema, Chunky Lafunga,

was in a porn film as a young actor.

I'm here at a press conference
to hear his response.

I think they're about to speak!

For legal reasons, my client
will not be speaking today.

I will be reading out
a prepared statement
written by my client himself.

"Sweety pumpkin darlings,

"OK, it's true, I did a hardcore
porn film, but can you blame me?

"I was young, handsome,
needed the money."

Usual, madam?
Yes...one great big churn of milk!

My husband's away.

Maybe YOU could fill my jugs.

From here?

Better come in, then.

Oh, no, better get out
of these...wet things!

Don't you think,
by participating in pornography,

you are reinforcing the idea
of women as sexual objects

for men to abuse and degrade?

I'm not sexist of the any kind.

I LOVE women!

I don't care if
they're short, tall, black, white!

For example, I'm quite into
fat birds at the moment.

Thank you, thank you very much!
BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS

Love you! My Winnebago!
You, not you!

TV: 'Tyrannosaurus Rex, the most
feared dinosaur of its time.

'Fast, strong and deadly,

'a predator without peer.'

FAMILY: Wow!

TV: 'And, as you can see,
it also had a 15-foot penis.'

This daal is fantastic!
Really good!

Miaow, pussycats! It's Smeeta
Smitten, showbiz kitten!

3 out of 10 cat-owners
can't believe I'm not butter!

Welcome to my brand-new pilot
show, "Smeeta's Street Date".

I'll find a boyfriend for Sunita
who's obviously gagging for it!

See anybody you fancy, sweetie?
He's a bit of all right!

Leave it to your kittenish cupid!
Excuse me, sir! Hang on!

Well, hello!

Are you...rich, witty, single,
straight?

Yes to all of those things.
Wow, great! Great!

Fancy a date? Oi! Come on, sonny,
I can put my leg behind my ear!

He's MY date! I can swallow
three furballs at once!

Let go of me!

SMEETA HISSES AND SNARLS

Wait up!

Wow!

This is amazing, Dad!
The most famous painting
in the world! Inspiring!

Of course it's inspiring...
because it's Indian!

Dad, the Mona Lisa was an Italian
noblewoman from the 16th century!

Son, this is Meena Lhossa...

..a Gujerati washerwoman
from Bhavnagar.

No! Yes!

What's she thinking? She's thinking
about the irony of her situation.

Asking us if we are observers
or voyeurs. Rubbish!

She is thinking
"My brother can get cheap paint."

Why would da Vinci go to Bhavnagar
to paint someone?

It's near where he lived.
Florence?! Firozabad!

Leonardo's not Indian, Dad!

Of course he is. Look at this one.
The Last Supper?

12 men sitting around the table.

Where are the women?

They're in the kitchen!

He's a Renaissance artist!

They're famous for being Italian!

Donatello...Raphael...Titian!

Kashmiri, Punjabi, Gujerati!
All great artists - Indian.

Rubbish! Not rubbish!
What about Picasso? Spanish!

Indian! You've seen his portraits.
A nose here...an ear there.

Beggars in Delhi
look exactly the same!

Here's another one.
That's Lowry. He's British.

Think about it. Matchstick men
with matchstick arms and legs.

How much more Indian can you get?

What about Rubens? Fat women.
Indian. Botticelli? Fat kids.
Indian. Michelangelo?

Ahh, the painter
of the Sistine Tandoori.

You mean the Sistine Chapel!

Tandoori! Only an Indian restaurant
would have a ceiling like that!

No! Look, Dad, the statue of David!

Are you telling me
that this, the representation
of male perfection, is Indian?

No...not Indian.

TV: 'Len meet Tracey.
Let's play Family Favourites.

'We asked 100 people, what's
your favourite sexual position?'

This daal is fantastic!

OK, listen up, men.

This woman had fifteen sons.

Fourteen of 'em
have been killed in action.

The army wants to bring
her last one home. We must find him.

What's his name, sarge?

Private Narayan.

- Nah, forget it.
- OK.

COOL JAZZ

Happy anniversary, you two!
Congratulations!

How long is it now?
Long enough to keep her happy!

It's - what? - 7 years now.
We've been together
8 years next month.

Having a party? It'll be wild!
Line dancing again?

Don't forget your stetsons!
Oh, I won't!

Sorry, do you know where I could
put my coat? Welcome! New blood!

Got a drink?
Whose wife are you?

Oh...I'm not married.

THUNDERCLAP

# The minute I walk in the room

# I can see the aunties
all run for cover

# They say to each other

# That junglee in the trampy clothes

# She smokes, drinks and steals
your sons from under your nose

# They think cos I'm smart
She's a tart!

# And when their husbands chat
me up that I don't mi-i-i-i-nd

MEN: # Hey, big spinster

# Just cos I am single, I ain't...

# ..blind!

# She must be stupid or gay

# But wouldn't YOU be
if you'd only had offers

# From complete and utter tossers?

# Fat lawyers, shady boys

# Pharmacists and men in wigs
who just call me... OI!

# I don't wanna spend
one more night

# With men who've popped their cork
before I've shut the do-o-o-or!

# Hey, big spinster

# That has never happened to me
bef-o-o-ore # Yeah, right(!)

# I may be married to a...
Jat Jat Jat!

# But at least I'm not a slut!
Slut!
Slut!

# # Keep away
because it might be catching

# She'll do it
for a bag of pork scratchings

# So let me get right to my point

# I ain't looking for convenience
shadi to no suitable Punjabi

# Smart marrieds give me the blues

# All those kitty do's
with tupperware and crap barbecues

# I know that I'd much rather try

# To be on my own
than with the wrong gu-u-u-u-uy

# Hey, big spinster

ALL: # Hey, big spinster!

# Hey, big spinster
ALL: # Hey, big spinster

# That's me, big spinster!

# Only real men

# Need apply #

I really hate the way the British
are so inhibited.

I mean, I'm a really tactile
sort of person.

Great! Ahhhh!

Check, please!

How do I look, Dad?

Oh, beautiful, beautiful!

Your future mother-in-law
is VERY traditional.

You have to behave yourself while
we discuss your wedding plans.

Don't worry, only the best for you.
Where are the earrings she got you?

Dad, I don't like them! She'll ask!
DOORBELL

Here they are.
Put them on, put them on!

No problem finding the place, huh?
No, no, no.

Parking, everything OK, huh?
Yes, fine. Very good!

(Be quiet.)

This is my son. Very handsome.
Mmm, thank you.

And this is my daughter.

Nice earrings.

Beta, beta, beta, beto, beto, beto!

Dimpoo, get some tea.

No, no, no! No need! I made this
at home for nothing!

About the wedding...
Have you any thoughts on the venue?

Yes, I thought we'll make it
at home for nothing!

Mum! Chup! What do YOU know?!

You sit there with your Calvinder
Klein chuddies and your hair gel!

You think weddings are free booze,
fancy gifts and # C'mon, Eileen #

No need to hire a horse
for the bridegroom to arrive on
while our dog is still alive.

You're sure this is going to be...
Why waste money when you can
make it at home for nothing?

I thought as a bridal outfit,

I would give your daughter
this sari which my mother
gave to me on her deathbed.

Namina's not dead yet.

We're planning for August,
a lot can happen.

We'll need outside caterers... No!

I will make
the traditional wedding aubergine.

Well, what about a pandit?

Of course we will need a pandit.

That's a relief.
I'm glad we agree on something.
It is good to be traditional.

Allow me to introduce you
to Swami Sock-ji!

Namasta!

Dad, I'm scared!

Absurd! I am not going to let you
destroy my daughter's special day!

We haven't even discussed the dowry.

A dowry is for ignorant,
low-caste villagers!

That's why we chose YOU! What?!

My son is my pride and joy,
the most eligible bachelor
in the whole of Hounslow.

YOUR daughter's a bit of an old boot.

So in exchange, we expect some goods
of EXTREME value! I'm not listening!

The dowry we expect...

..from you...one small aubergine!

That's really nice. Thanks.

You can't walk down the street
in traditional clothes
without being stared at!

OI!
Aye, and they call this
a tolerant society.

You got a problem, then?!
LAUGHTER

Hi, I'm Dev Gobi, welcome to
the Asian Shopping Channel,

your tip-top choice
for your Asian shopping needs.

Let's go to our make-up expert
Jaz from the Khushboo salon.

Hello there and welcome, Jaz.

Hi, Dev. Today I'll talk about
Khushboo skincare products.

Khushboo skincare products. That's
right, Khushboo skincare products.

We put the Asian back into
sens-ASIAN-al!

They're designed to give ladies
the wheatish complexion
every low-caste woman wants

and every man expects
if he's thinking of marrying you.

Excellent. Which are YOU wearing?

I'm not wearing anything.
Wh-What's that?

I'm not wearing anything.
I'm a natural redhead. The brown
bits are just freckles. O...kay.

What have you got? We've got
Fair And Fancy Face Cream -

for those of you who are a bit
Cadbury's Cocoa! Wonderful.

For those whose shade is more
too-dark-to-get-a-dance,

we have Coal Slag Cover Up.

Mmm! We also have Tan Be Gone,
Brown Bits Away... Excellent!

Why don't we see
some of this in action?

We have our resident model here -
Madhu. Hi, Madhu! Hi! Hi!

I need a make-over -
I'm getting married.

There's hope for us all!

DEV CHUCKLES
I guess I am quite dark. I'll have
what YOU'RE wearing.

I'm not wearing anything.
But what's that?

Yes, well, er, Jaz, let's see what
you can do with The Shadow here!

Jaz, work your magic! OK!

The entire Khushboo skincare range
is available at competitive prices.

The starter kit comes with bleach,
wire brush and sterile dressing.

Let's see how they're getting on.

# Da-daaa! #

Well, Madhu, what do you think?

Wow!

Kithnee khubsoorat!

That's amazing!

DEV CHUCKLES
Well done, Jaz, fantastic job!

Thanks for coming in.
I'm a natural redhead, you know.

Much better than the filth on TV.

Good family game and also...
educational.

Hah! It's your go!

This daal is fantastic, wonderful!

Always aim for the roof
of the mouth!

Oh, your tie is crooked.

Well, you've got a big nose
and a fat arse, innit?

Check, please.

HUMS TO HIMSELF

Come in! Dennis, look who it is.
Ahhhhhh!

Surjeeta!

It's St John, actually, Dennis.
MUTTER AT EACH OTHER

St John, let me take your brolly.
Ah! Heh-heh-heh!

Dennis, where are your manners?
Grab Vanessa's muff.

Grabbing, grabbing! Dennis!

That's not a muff, you silly sod.
Yes, Charlotte, you stupid tart.

It's a dog.

Oh, twadi!

Stand back! I'll get it! No, no!

No, Dennis, it's a pet.

I knew that!

Fetch!

Yes, well, we British love
our animals. Yes, we do.

Yes, WE do.

This is Lady Penelope
Underskirt Gobbler The Third.

I say, Vanessa,
that's a bit of a mouthful!

Yes, it is.
That's why I call her Pinky.

Shall we sit down? Downing, downing,
sitting, sitting, sitting, downing!

No English household is complete
without a pet, they say.
Yes, and YOU don't have any.

We're British. Of course we do.

We have, um, gerbils!

Gerbils?! Yes, they're very sweet.
We love them like our own children.

"Like" your own children?
MORE than our children.

What are gerbils? You know, Dennis,
our furry little friends.

Ohhhhh! Ah-ah-ah-ah-haaaaaa!
Gerbils!

Yes, we have hundreds of them!

Hundreds? Yes, they live
under the floorboards!

And they eat all the rubbish.

I give them a bit of cheese
in a trap.

What we British won't do for
our pets! Yes, quite right.

Must be hard looking after him.
It's a bitch.

But surely you get used to it
after a while, eh?

No, no, it's a little girl doggy.
Oh! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Are you planning to breed her?
No, we've had her fixed
so she can't have babies.

How?

Spayed.

Yeah, that will do it! Yes, I use
a shovel on the bloody gerbils!

Yes, they're a very small target,
you know! Yes!

Dennis, you wag!
He loves animals, really.

Oh, really(?) Perhaps he'd
like to hold her, then.

Er...I-I don't think
that's a good idea, old fruity.

Come on, Dennis, don't you want
to hold my little Pinky?

Ohhh, I really don't think I...

I think you should hold her, darling,
if you want to hold anything again.

Oh, twadi! OK, now, don't be
frightened, she won't BITE!
BOTH LAUGH

She does all her business
in the garden now.

And what about the dog?!

Right, well,
don't make any sudden movements.

If she gets nervous,
she tends to have little accidents.
She's not the only one. Excuse me!

Oh, dear, perhaps you'd better
rub his nose in it!

Or put down a litter tray
in the kitchen!

Ah, changed your mind, old chappy?

May I? Of course.
One hand on the botty. That's it.

Decided to make friends, after all?

Ran out of toilet paper, actually!

Subtitles by Pam Atkinson, TFL Ltd,
for BBC Subtitling - 2000

WOMAN: Darling...!

SHE SIGHS SENSUOUSLY

MAN: This daal is fantastic!

Goodness gracious me!